So I’ve been thinking a lot today about that. Am I adding anything to my friend’s lives? Are they adding anything to mine? Do I have to keep certain people in my life, just because they’re there? The answer to the last question, is no. I like to think that I add something, even something small, to those I have interactions with. It’s definitely something to work towards, being a better person and all. There are a few people I wonder about whether or not they should be allowed to be a part of my life. I think I know the answers to those questions, but it’s hard sometimes when you like them. Some people are just toxic though…and when you’ve been through the hell that’s been my life this year, you really need to surround yourself with lightness instead of darkness and drama. It’s a tough thing to put into action though, when you’re a fixer, like me. I want to fix everyone’s problems and unhappiness. All that’s ever gotten me is unhappiness and frustration because people need to want to be better people on their own, not because you’d like them to be or even when you need them to be.

I need to get better at setting boundaries with people. People can only do to you, what you let them do. So that’s my me project for now…setting boundaries and limitations on behaviour, both mine and others who I choose to let into my circle. Thinking about what I’m adding to others and who’s adding to me…and who’s not.

P.S. And a tiny lesson about blogs for a certain someone… this is MY blog… I can discuss whatever I choose to here. Period.

I’ve seen some really great friends and hope that it’s just the beginning of a happier life than the one we’ve been leading for the last 5 months. I can’t help but realize that Ken is watching us from where he is, and though I KNOW he’s not thrilled with some of the things that have transpired, I hope he understands, and I think he would. My life can’t be led in the shadow of a ghost or second guessing what I already know would be his wish. He’d want me, really want all of us, to be happy no matter the cost to dreams or hopes we shared.

I’ve found that some things, never change…and some things, change drastically…but in the end it all works out, even if it’s not as you planned or hoped for. It’s a simple lesson really, amazing that it takes 40+ years and a major life event to learn it.

I choose happiness…no matter what life throws at me.

Sometimes life hands you options, sometimes it hands you ONE option. This is one of those one option situation. I cannot continue to pay over $1k a month to keep us all insured, the job market in Myrtle Beach doesn’t make it at all possible to stay here. So even though I WANT to stay here until the kids are out of school, I needed to find an opportunity where I could provide for us without having to live every moment of my life filled with dread that my house of cards would fall with any passing breeze. To that end I’ve found a position that is going to require us to move. Move before me or the kids want to, before I’m ready to do all the things that come with dealing with your spouse’s belongings after they pass, before I’m ready to leave the good memories behind me, before I WANT to go. This means I have to do all those things while it is breaking my heart to do so in so many ways it is nearly paralyzed with fear and adding more sadness to one that already feels like it’s killing me. This has left me unconsolable. I so much wish Ken were here to hold me and reassure me that everything’s going to be ok. Of course, if he WERE here, I wouldn’t have to make the decisions I’ve made, or make miracles happen in 5 weeks time…but if we did have to do that, I would find comfort in doing it together…we could make things happen when we needed to.

I know I need to suck it up and get things done…I just don’t WANT to. Therein lies the difference between being the adult and being a kid. Kids are so often motivated by what they want opposed to their needs. As a parent, you want to give your kids everything they want that isn’t harmful to them. But sometimes you just can’t, no matter how much it tears you apart. Staying here, in our situation, would be harmful to my ability to provide for us. My only solace is in knowing that someday when they have kids and are faced with life’s hard decisions to do things you need, instead of satiating wants, they’ll understand why decisions have to be made that aren’t always palatable. So I’m scared, I’m alone before I should be, I pray for the strength to do all that needs done, to get it done timely, for speed bumps to be surmountable and for my heart not die in the process.

And now for the warning… my husband died after a car accident…after we’d had an arguement of epic proportions…but, there weren’t any traumatic injuries resulting from the accident and toxicology tests had to be done. His heart had been racing for a few days so he’d gone to the doctor that day and gotten a prescription for Xanax when they couldn’t find any issues with his heart. When the reports came back this week…it showed that he had only the meds he was supposed to have, at the levels they were supposed to be at, in his system. The coroner and pathologist determined that Ken had End Stage Liver Disease. When you are in End Stage Liver Disease, your liver can’t filter out the toxins that your body naturally needs to expel, meds will affect you and poisons resulting from them stay in your system, your body eventually starts to poison your other organs including your brain which can cause you to have mood swings and display erratic behavior… Of course, they asked me if he drank heavily, he didn’t. He just finished a bottle of Crown Royal I gave him for Christmas over 5 years ago. Then came the next question…”Did he take a lot of acetominiphen or ibuprofen?” That’s when the light went on, Ken had a bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin in his computer bag, his office, his truck, the kitchen, our bathroom and on our headboard. He took them whenever he felt the slightest headache or felt any kind of ache. The warning is right there on the labels that it can cause liver disease. I never gave any thought to how much he took, but looking back, all I can visualize and hear in my mind is the rattle of the bottle, seeing me handing them to him, remembering how often I did see him take it, knowing that he took a lot of it that I didn’t see. Ken never went to the Dr. for anything. He’d only gone on Monday because the heart racing wouldn’t stop. I can count on one hand the number of times he went to the Dr. in the last 10 years because he wasn’t feeling well…so all through the last six months or so of his life his body has been tearing itself apart before our eyes, disguised…sadly I’m now seeing things and understanding some whys that I was oblivious to before. My warning is this…if you are, like me, one of those people that take 4 Advils when you have a headache, don’t. If you find yourself taking Tylenol or Excedrin all the time, don’t. It CAN kill you. My other warning is, don’t ever let yourself be so mad at people you love that you part with them angry, saying things you know in your heart you don’t really mean…and if someone you love starts to behave oddly, and it doesn’t resolve itself quickly, don’t assume that it’s because they are just changing…it’s far better to get them to go the Dr. and get checked out, than to lose them.

Yes, there ARE blessings to be found in even the most dire moments of our lives. For me, those blessings come in the form of my children, in whom I see an unbelieveable strength and kindness as they help me, help us, try to move forward with life, as we MUST do. Simple gifts, like coming home to them, giving the house a good cleaning up without being asked to do so, or giving me a hug when I look like I need one, to expressing love more often and compassion. My other blessing of light in this darkness is the huge number of friends, both friends I know in real life and whom I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting, yet. I have been overwhelmed by the support and kindness of so many people who have no motive to help me as a friend, just BEING my friends and lending an ear, or words of encouragement or giving me something to do so that I don’t feel so dreadfully alone as I do at times. These things and people, give me hope that it’s ok to live, it’s ok to laugh, it’s ok to look towards the future, albeit a different future than the one I had planned.

These blessings are a gift…they comfort and assure me that though I am navigating a dark and scary path…that my kids and I are not walking it alone. For that, I thank you.

And so the next chapter of our lives begin… the one where we find the paths to happiness again.

It is more important to actually…
BE a good person, than to appear to be a good person.
BE a good parent, than to appear to be a good parent.
BE a good friend, than to appear to be a good friend.

You can no doubt see where this is going. Appearances are decieving…and all too often, we may worry too much about appearing to be the right thing, rather than putting the focus on BEING the right thing. I know my focus needs to be on starting to LIVE again, but right now, I’m just alive. Barely breathing. I know also, that eventually I’ll get there, because my life can’t be over at 41.

I would venture to say, we should all worry much less about appearances…and worry more about making sure we are BEING and and that it means something.