(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Do the mashed potato! And gravy.

11. Uncle Bud’s Hospital Experience

After an unfortunate accident falling off a cowboy, Nevada Rodeo clown ‘Uncle’ Bud Bistoo was inspired to record this album about his hospitalization. Combining a dark style reminiscent of Leonard Cohen, with an atmospheric country soundtrack by that bloke out of ELO, the curmudgeonly clown offers a drip-tastic collection of intensive care classics including:

* A Gentleman Don’t Piss Through a Tube
* Bud’s Bed Bath Blues (A Nurse Called Bill)
* When the Medication Wagon Comes A-Rollin’ By
* I Can’t Piss In That Thing
* This Good Ol’ Boy Don’t Give No Samples
* Ain’t No Lady Doctor Touching That

A great gift for the sick and diseased!

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Like most of you on the internet, I hate meeting people. After my run-in with the last set of whackjobs, here are some more people I will be crossing the road to avoid.

1. A disillusioned Illusionist
2. An air traffic controller with double vision
3. A hairy Ukrainian in a bikini
4. A waiter with vomit down his shirt
5. A dental technician high on mushrooms
6. A quadriplegic marching band
7. A hairy Ukrainian man in a bikini
8. A hangman with a theme tune
9. A piss-stained news anchor
10. A suicide bomber with a sponsorship deal
11. A heavily pregnant Girl Guide
12. A butcher with a boner
13. An unhappy clapper
14. A nail bomber with a book deal
15. A Satanist selling life insurance
16. A suicidal bus driver
17. A talk show host with botulism
18. A robber wearing a rubber
19. An easily-distracted surgeon
20. A talk show guest with an itchy scrotum

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Some readers have asked me to expand slightly on an incident I alluded to in a previous post. I didn’t really want to bring the whole thing up again. But yes, there was a police chase, yes, it was through a zoo, yes, I ruined a small child’s birthday party, but in fairness I did return the platypus. No big deal, let’s not dwell.

But you know, during those dark hours holed up in the Aquarium, I spent my time thinking about the sea and lakes and rivers, and all the stuff that’s in them. And how damn ugly most of it is.

I mean, think about a seahorse. At first glance you might say it’s cute, like a bony horse’s head with no body, and little wings and a curly tail… but wait, that’s not cute, that’s something out of a horror flick! Bodyless floating horse skeletons? I don’t wish to swim about with that, thank you very much. Everything that lives underwater is weird and is dangerous. Jellyfish, sea urchins, electric eels, lobster thermidors – these are scary creatures that would happily slice, sting or zap you to death if they had a chance.

You don’t find this sort of ugliness on land. For instance, puppies, sheep and hedgehogs are cuddly and fluffy, and don’t squirt you in the face with ink when you lick them. Nature has decreed that all the gross stuff lives underwater where it can’t offend our eyes, and all the cute stuff stays on terra firma. Nothing should mess with that. And what happens if these two worlds dare to collide? You end up with a PLATYPUS. I mean, what the fuck is up with that thing?

So that’s why I needed a platypus – to make a point. I just hope the jury sees it my way.

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Aren’t children such little angels? Merry Christmas Tiggyblog readers!

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Honestly, I’d only popped out to buy some spoons, then suddenly it was five months later and I realized I hadn’t updated Tiggyblog. Sorry about that, readers.

That’s not to say nothing has happened to me for five months. There has been a lot to blog about – the Norwegian lawsuits, that police chase through the zoo, the odd stains I now have on my carpet… Oooh and you know, I nearly DIED in a plane crash (the plane didn’t actually crash, but that engine didn’t sound right to me), and I had an out-of-body experience where I nearly DIED, and I woke up in the Top Gear studio right in the middle of them taping a show. That was embarrassing.

So what woke me from my creative slumber? Well, certainly not my muse Dave, who was last seen vomiting over the side of a Mersey ferry. No, it was the guilt I felt when I read that Tiggyblog was recently listed in Amazon Kindle’s top fun 100 blogs in the whole world, or something. My dead blog beat approximately 7,000,000,000 blogs to 92^nd place. And that, readers, is probably worth me penning a few more posts, even though nothing interesting will ever happen to me again. You missed it ALL.

Oooh, and did I tell you I nearly DIED the other week…?

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Monty:

Bob: Hi everyone! A fan sent me a story about Theressa Groenwald-Hagerman, the world’s greatest female bow hunter! She has pulled off quite a feat that I’m sure you’ll love to hear about.

Monty: Now, me and Bobby-boy may be men of the forest, I mean real men, who smell as good as we sweat. But we don’t mind seein’ the little ladies havin’ a go at huntin’ do we? We ain’t liberals or homosexuals or nothin’ funny like that. But it’s all fair in the forest, hey?

Bob: Yes Monty, we are so pleased women are venturing into the wilderness thrilling to the kill! Ladies make good hunters, it’s like going to the grocery store and fur boutique in one afternoon.

Monty: Heck yeah, once those ladies start imaginin’ them rabbits as a pair a boots, there’s nothin’ in Hell that’ll stop them from slayin’ those little critters all day! I can barely keep up huntin’ with ma sister Mabel when she’s hankerin’ for a new wardrobe.

Bob: Too right, Monty! Anyway, this lady has stolen our hearts, after ripping out the heart of the biggest beast of all! She is the first woman ever to kill-wait for it-an African elephant… with a bow and arrow! Just think of the skill required to find and hunt down a cunning wild animal like a six ton, 12 ft high elephant!

Monty: Yep, them elephants are stealthy critters, ain’t they? Nice to see a young lady doin’ somthin for the environment other than doin’ them those borin’ old walks for peace, an’ cleanin’ up oil spills with tofu or whatever it is them ladies do.

That’s beautiful photo, Bob. Makes ya feel like a man, if you know what I’m talkin’ about. I’d love to get ma mitts on that sexy hot flesh, fer sure. My mouth’s getting’ all wet just thinkin’ about it.

Bob: I don’t think that’s an appropriate comment about the nice lady, Monty.

Monty: The lady? Oh yeah, that’s what I was lookin’ at. Anyways, well done little Miss! I’m hoping next time she’ll go for somethin’ really challengin’, like a polar bear or panda. I’d like to have me some sweet an’ sour panda one day, once them vegan environmentalists quit yappin’.

Ohh, my chute’s gettin’ wet again. Hey Bob, start up that barbeque, I need to get some pork into me to calm me down here! See y’all next time for another Meat Beat!

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(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

It’s tizzy fizzle! I think.

10. Back to the Shit – Millie Jackson

The eagerly-awaited follow up to Millie’s No.1 hit Pissed Myself Again is a toilet-tastic album of shit-hot hit dance anthems! The perfect soundtrack to those extended meetings with WC, you’ll be jiving on the john to tracks including:

* Ho’s Gotta Go
* Check This Shit Out (Featuring Pee Diddy)
* Bling My Ring
* Pump It Up (Call the Plumber)
* I Wouldn’t Go In There Just Yet

Guaranteed to go straight to no.2 in the Poop Charts!

Next time on Hit Parade… Call Doctor House – this record needs resuscitation!

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Are you a busy salesman or executive out on the road? Save time and increase productivity with this super Road Trip Tray! Now you can write reports and browse e-mails on your laptop while you cruise down the highway. Also makes a great dining table for those high-speed picnics. And the Road Trip Tray’s 1001 uses don’t end there…

* Parents! Keep baby happy by using it as a diaper changing station, allowing busy mums to keep moving while attending to junior’s movements!

* Have a dangerous old car with no air bags? Simply tie a soft pillow to the tray and remember to bury your head into it as your car collides with that speeding truck or kindergarten group.

Net nerds! Can’t bear to be away from Facebook or YouTube for a minute? Worried you’ll miss the latest hilarious Lolcat picture? Surf while you drive with this fabulous Web Wow Wheel Widget and never miss a moment of cyber fun!*

*Do not operate while driving. Pretty please. No really, don’t. Seriously. OK, only for really important e-mails. And maybe Twitter.

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Everyone eats three times a day, and look at the massive cookery section at your local bookstore! We have cooking celebrities like Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey, so why no experts on masturbation to give us all a helping hand?
On the other hand, I suppose we should be thankful Jamie and Gordon discovered their talent lay in cookery, not cockery.

Are the experts too busy playing with themselves to hold a pen and write a book? I suppose they could record their tugging tips by using a hands-free dictaphone (a dicktaphone)? An audio book on masturbation could be a best seller!

Just don’t listen to it while driving.

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Yes folks, it seems my innocent little blog caught the attention of a shady underworld mob somewhere in Russia. Incensed by my poor grammar and constant piss-taking of Meat Loaf, those cold-hearted dons decided that my blog must disappear. From some dingy basement in Moscow, a team of ruthless Mafia hackers decided to take it apart and TAKE IT DOWN. They trashed it, burned it, pissed on the flames with their vodka-infused urine causing the flames to get higher and burn a bit more… until there was nothing left but a charred, defiled cinder of a website. Those BASTARDS!

Either that or I forgot to renew my web hosting account, I’m not entirely sure.

But anyway, having now single-handedly defeated the Russian mob, I guess it’s time to get on with it and write some ruddy posts! Bugger.

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