Monty:

Bob: Hi everyone! A fan sent me a story about Theressa Groenwald-Hagerman, the world’s greatest female bow hunter! She has pulled off quite a feat that I’m sure you’ll love to hear about.

Monty: Now, me and Bobby-boy may be men of the forest, I mean real men, who smell as good as we sweat. But we don’t mind seein’ the little ladies havin’ a go at huntin’ do we? We ain’t liberals or homosexuals or nothin’ funny like that. But it’s all fair in the forest, hey?

Bob: Yes Monty, we are so pleased women are venturing into the wilderness thrilling to the kill! Ladies make good hunters, it’s like going to the grocery store and fur boutique in one afternoon.

Monty: Heck yeah, once those ladies start imaginin’ them rabbits as a pair a boots, there’s nothin’ in Hell that’ll stop them from slayin’ those little critters all day! I can barely keep up huntin’ with ma sister Mabel when she’s hankerin’ for a new wardrobe.

Bob: Too right, Monty! Anyway, this lady has stolen our hearts, after ripping out the heart of the biggest beast of all! She is the first woman ever to kill-wait for it-an African elephant… with a bow and arrow! Just think of the skill required to find and hunt down a cunning wild animal like a six ton, 12 ft high elephant!

Monty: Yep, them elephants are stealthy critters, ain’t they? Nice to see a young lady doin’ somthin for the environment other than doin’ them those borin’ old walks for peace, an’ cleanin’ up oil spills with tofu or whatever it is them ladies do.

That’s beautiful photo, Bob. Makes ya feel like a man, if you know what I’m talkin’ about. I’d love to get ma mitts on that sexy hot flesh, fer sure. My mouth’s getting’ all wet just thinkin’ about it.

Bob: I don’t think that’s an appropriate comment about the nice lady, Monty.

Monty: The lady? Oh yeah, that’s what I was lookin’ at. Anyways, well done little Miss! I’m hoping next time she’ll go for somethin’ really challengin’, like a polar bear or panda. I’d like to have me some sweet an’ sour panda one day, once them vegan environmentalists quit yappin’.

Ohh, my chute’s gettin’ wet again. Hey Bob, start up that barbeque, I need to get some pork into me to calm me down here! See y’all next time for another Meat Beat!

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(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

It’s tizzy fizzle! I think.

10. Back to the Shit – Millie Jackson

The eagerly-awaited follow up to Millie’s No.1 hit Pissed Myself Again is a toilet-tastic album of shit-hot hit dance anthems! The perfect soundtrack to those extended meetings with WC, you’ll be jiving on the john to tracks including:

* Ho’s Gotta Go
* Check This Shit Out (Featuring Pee Diddy)
* Bling My Ring
* Pump It Up (Call the Plumber)
* I Wouldn’t Go In There Just Yet

Guaranteed to go straight to no.2 in the Poop Charts!

Next time on Hit Parade… Call Doctor House – this record needs resuscitation!

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Are you a busy salesman or executive out on the road? Save time and increase productivity with this super Road Trip Tray! Now you can write reports and browse e-mails on your laptop while you cruise down the highway. Also makes a great dining table for those high-speed picnics. And the Road Trip Tray’s 1001 uses don’t end there…

* Parents! Keep baby happy by using it as a diaper changing station, allowing busy mums to keep moving while attending to junior’s movements!

* Have a dangerous old car with no air bags? Simply tie a soft pillow to the tray and remember to bury your head into it as your car collides with that speeding truck or kindergarten group.

Net nerds! Can’t bear to be away from Facebook or YouTube for a minute? Worried you’ll miss the latest hilarious Lolcat picture? Surf while you drive with this fabulous Web Wow Wheel Widget and never miss a moment of cyber fun!*

*Do not operate while driving. Pretty please. No really, don’t. Seriously. OK, only for really important e-mails. And maybe Twitter.

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Everyone eats three times a day, and look at the massive cookery section at your local bookstore! We have cooking celebrities like Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey, so why no experts on masturbation to give us all a helping hand?
On the other hand, I suppose we should be thankful Jamie and Gordon discovered their talent lay in cookery, not cockery.

Are the experts too busy playing with themselves to hold a pen and write a book? I suppose they could record their tugging tips by using a hands-free dictaphone (a dicktaphone)? An audio book on masturbation could be a best seller!

Just don’t listen to it while driving.

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Yes folks, it seems my innocent little blog caught the attention of a shady underworld mob somewhere in Russia. Incensed by my poor grammar and constant piss-taking of Meat Loaf, those cold-hearted dons decided that my blog must disappear. From some dingy basement in Moscow, a team of ruthless Mafia hackers decided to take it apart and TAKE IT DOWN. They trashed it, burned it, pissed on the flames with their vodka-infused urine causing the flames to get higher and burn a bit more… until there was nothing left but a charred, defiled cinder of a website. Those BASTARDS!

Either that or I forgot to renew my web hosting account, I’m not entirely sure.

But anyway, having now single-handedly defeated the Russian mob, I guess it’s time to get on with it and write some ruddy posts! Bugger.

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Trust me, the vodka will help.

1. Which toe-tapping hit song was featured in Tiggy’s Hit Parade?
A. Kjell Kraghe – Haj Haj Happy Pis!
B. The Butter Fucks – Grease Fire Fantasy
C. Man Without Hats – We Haven’t Found Our Hats Yet
D. Billy Frig and the Twatanauts – Kill All the Pies

2. The main ingredient of Tabouli is:
A. Fire
B. Brains
C. Sandwiches
D. Tabouli

3. In a bear economy, is it better to
A. Buy Meatloaf
B. Sell Meatloaf
C. Meatloaf is not in my portfolio
D. I don’t understand the question

4. For Christmas, Tiggy wants:
A. A helicopter ride
B. A balloon ride
C. Ride me big boy, like the big hairy slut you are
D. Tiggy can want all she likes, Santa ain’t coming

5. Where is the best place to hide your stash?
A. Under your boss’s desk
B. Under your boss’s grandmother
C. In a small child’s birthday cake
D. I have no idea what you’re talking about

6. When in Rome:
A. Do as the Romans do
B. Do as some Romans do, but not all of them
C. Fuck the Romans
D. Rome is not on my travel itinerary

7. Which CD would Tiggy most like to find in her Christmas stocking?
A. Paddy “P-Doggy” Roberts – Songs for Gay Dogs
B. The Butter Fucks – Lard is my Lube
C. Monty O’Drizzle and the Steak Suckers – I Told Ya Meat Is Useful
D. Meatloaf – Is It a Prune or Is It a Plum (Rock and Roll Pudding Part III)

8. What is the best superhero power to have, apart from a Super Trike?
A. Super vision
B. Super strength
C. Super noodles
D. Super balls

9. What was the least appetizing food product reviewed on Shopping Bizarre?
A. Panda flavoured twigs
B. Twig flavoured pandas
C. Meatloaf
D. What the fuck is with all these Meatloaf references

10. What is the worst job Tiggy ever had?
A. Porn Art Movie Director
B. Repulsive Hooters girl
C. Prawn strangler
D. Genial television host of That’s My Cock

*******

Mostly As
Congratulations! You got most of the answers right. Have a cake! Or some LSD.

Mostly Bs
You got some right, but I suspect you guessed your way through a lot of this. I mean, the answer to question #3 is B? Seriously?

Mostly Cs
You’re not very good at quizzes, are you?

Mostly Ds
You’ve not been paying the slightest bit of attention to this blog. You owe the “Mostly A” guys a cake. And LSD.

Happy holidays!

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Monty: Happy Holidays, Tiggy fans! Me an’ Bob jus love this time a year, and you know why? Tis the season to be killin’!

Bob: That’s right, Monty. There’s no better way to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus than with a feast of fresh kill.

Monty: Dasher, Donner, Blitzen and ole Rudolf himself will have pride of place at our Christmas table… as tha main course! We tell the lil kids we shot ‘em off the roof. It makes ‘em bawl like banshees, but they gotta toughen up sum time, hey?

Bob: Quite right, Monty, there’s no room for crybabies in our hunting hut! Now, seeing as this is the season for giving, we’d like to share some of our golden rules of hunting with the nice Tiggyblog readers, before they head off on their Christmas shooting sprees.

Monty: Thas right, Bob! Ya may be lucky enough to get that huntin’ rifle ya asked for on Christmas time. But ya can’t jus go out an’ blast away anythin’ ya see, no matter how much fun that is! Ya gotta follow a few rules that will make yer shootin’ a lot safer.

We don’t like safer, do we Bob, but I ain’t goin’ to jail no more. I can’t handle no more of that prison life, my poor asshol..

Bob: Anyway, Monty, lets run through a few Things You Shouldn’t Be Shooting At.

Number one on our no-no list is CATS. They may be plentiful in numbers and taste as good as they look, but no hunter worth his salt would take a shot at this noble and elegant creature.

Monty: Tha’s right, Bob! Ya’ll leave them cats alone! Unless they’re poopin’ in yur yard, that is.

Bob: No Monty, not even if they’re pooping in your yard.

Monty: Pissin’ in yur yard?

Bob: No.

Monty: Pukin’?

Bob: No.

Monty: Makin’ them screechy cat noises and doin’ they dirty stuff with Mrs. MacKenzie’s Persian?

Bob: Monty…

Monty: Aww. Looks like dem good-fer-nothin’ cats are off ma Christmas menu for this year. Next up is tha VERMIN. Don’t shoot vermin, folks!

Bob: Now some folk out there are probably scratching their heads, wondering why we don’t shoot rats or other pesky critters. I bet they’re thinking we’re mad!

Monty: I’ll tell ‘em why, Bob! Nummer one, you can’t eat ‘em, so is a waste a bullets. Nummer two, they is useless for wearin’ – you try sewin’ together 300 rat pellets to make a pair a pants or jerkin’ or summit. You wastin’ yer time fiddlin’ when you could jus skin a moose an’ throw that on. Nummer three – and let me apologize to the lil ladies out there for ma language – but they’s got all kinda diseases from eatin’ poop an’ shit. The rat I mean, not the lil ladies! Although folks, Bob showed me this video thing called Two Girls, One Cu…

Bob: Thank you Monty. So, my hunting friends, just remember our little motto and you’ll be fine – what is it, Monty?

Monty: No Cats, No Rats, No Pedestrians. It’s tha huntin’ code we live by, hey?

Bob: It sure is. Anyway Monty, it’s time to don our camouflage gear and get hunting!

Monty: Thas right, Bob, I’m gettin’ funny feelin’s in my camo pants jus’ thinkin’ bout it. You go ahead an’ I’ll catch ya up in ten minutes, I have to go lube ma… barrel… on my gun. With tha lube.

Bob: Good idea, Monty, it’s always best to thoroughly test your equipment before a long day of action. Have a great Christmas folks! And remember, pets aren’t just for Christmas – with any luck there’ll be enough left over for Boxing Day!

Ho ho ho, only joking, folks! Happy holidays!

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So precious! Hope your Christmas wishes come true, littles ones! Apart from Ben.

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And now, a beautiful viral e-mail poem celebrating the joy of the season, from our very own Rainbow Princess!

Holiday season is a time of wonder
A child’s happy smile, a jolly Santa
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Or a juicy turkey with all the trimmings!

The reindeer prance through the snowy eve
Have you been a good boy and girl this year?
See what’s in your Christmas stocking
Live cam sluts in tiny panties!

XXX

XXXX

Carol singers gather round the tree
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Colourful lights twinkle in the night
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What wonderful, happy Christmas cheer!

XX

Love and generic meds,
Rainbow Princess

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Get into the holiday spirit with Tiggy this month! Every Tuesday Tiggy will be posting a festive feature to celebrate this most magical of seasons:

* Rainbow Princess has been busy composing a beautiful viral e-mail poem to get us into the spirit of the season! Hopefully it will be less homoerotic than her last effort.

* Those cute kids from Mrs. Davies’ class will be sharing their Letters to Santa!

* Monty O’Drizzle and Bob Nutter will be downing weapons to share some Yuletide Hunting Tips!

* And finally, an end of the year TiggyPops Quiz to tax your drink and drug addled holiday brains!

It’s almost as exciting as a holy virgin birth! But not quite.

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