How to Build Confidence, like Johnny Cash.

1. Perfectionism Is Paralyzing. Accept failure and mistakes and imperfection as normal aspects of success. If you typically strive for perfection in everything you do, you will never be satisfied and you’ll probably miss out on important lessons gleamed from taking risks and facing failure. It also creates stagnation. If you’re afraid you won’t do something perfectly, you may not do it at all.
2. Stop Comparing.If you’re focused on someone else’s accomplishments, you’re not invested in your own. When my youngest son returned to a sport he left four years ago, his teammates were more skilled, more experienced, in better shape and guess what, more confident. In the beginning, he focused on how much better they played and how inadequate he felt. Once he changed his focus and stopped comparing himself to every player, he improved and so did his confidence.  Strengthen your weaknesses, enhance your strengths and block distractions. Someone will always be better than you. Doesn’t matter. You are on a different journey.
3. Recognize and Record.Pull out your resume, update it if you need to and spend some time looking at everything you’ve done. Same with thank you notes, letters from your kids and photo albums (with special occasions that were special because of what you did). Or, create an outline and start recording your accomplishments, from the insignificant to the very significant. The insig’s started you on your path to the sig’s. Don’t take for granted that which you do easily or naturally and don’t discount an achievement because of it. Confidence is rooted in understanding your gifts and talents and seeing how they have played out, from rocket scientists to stay-at-home moms.
4. Rehearse and Prepare.Determine what makes you feel awkward, uncomfortable and unsure of yourself. Visualize a desired outcome and practice getting there. Start with similar, safe scenarios until your behavior becomes natural. It might be tough in the beginning but the more you face the situation and realize you can handle it, the more comfortable you’ll become.
5. Learn or Improve.This is a simple one. Learn a new skill or improve upon a current one. It showcases your potential to do so much more. From getting stronger in the gym to learning piano or training as a youth volunteer, push yourself mentally and physically and watch your efforts transcend into all aspects of your life.
6. Accept Praise and Compliments.Stop rationalizing your accomplishments and making them less-than. We are telling the truth when we give positive feedback (unless you hang around with a lot narcissists!) Graciously accept with a smile. You earned it. You deserve it. It’s real. It’s you.
7. Stand and Set.Set attainable goals: daily, monthly and beyond. It’s fine to start small and build upon your success. Remember, you’re building and strengthening. And, always stand tall. Shoulders back, tummy in, chest slightly lifted. Same goes for sitting. No slouching. In both cases, you will not only feel more confident, you will look it, too! Now, go rock your world with your serious bad-a## selves!

My definition of being successful has definitely expanded and changed over the years from the natural progression in life and maturity as well as the challenges I’ve faced. I recently spent the day with someone who pushed the “success” definition into yet another direction. I would describe this person as balanced, happy, successful, optimistic and intelligent. Others might judge him differently.

He’s in the midst of a colossal uphill battle riddled with brick walls in several areas of his life. He has none of the typical status symbols of success. He could easily bury himself in pity and despair but instead he focuses on helping those around him and creating opportunities with that which he can do right now. He doesn’t complain. He doesn’t whine. He doesn’t make excuses. He elevates. He encourages. He inspires. Imagine what he’ll accomplish when the walls are behind him.

Another brick in the wall. Now what? Make the most of your in-betweens.

Ponder this. What if success awaits and is built during the in-between times – while you face brick walls. I believe it was Archie Manning (if I’m wrong, please correct me) who told his sons to focus on PACE:  performance after critical error. I’ve taken this on. I love what it stands for. Truly “successful” people probably overcome a lot of in-betweens and step up their PACE time and time again, against wall after wall. Call me crazy, but at this point in my life I find myself measuring success more and more by what occurs after conquering obstacles, after big disappointments and after admitted failures or what I call re-directions or corrections.

Based on your circumstances and how you’ve created and reacted to them – your brick walls – you might be more successful than you think. My friend doesn’t have a nice car. He doesn’t even have a decent car. He has a hunk of steel with wheels that turn and a motor that barely gets him from A to B. He doesn’t own a house or a condo and he’s working in an industry that is getting crushed by the economy. I believe that he will have all of that again, however, with his patience and perseverance, his attitude and because he’s smart and talented.

So, let’s look at success another way. Consider the cumulative effect from hundreds of thousands of us staying the course, living our lives with dignity and strong moral character and reacting positively during our in-betweens despite the fact that we aren’t curing body odor or inventing popular Facebook apps or playing in the superbowl.

Genuine success could be as simple as being part of a continuing chain of people who choose to put one foot in front of the other despite obstacles. Every day, intelligent (book, street or both) peeps that find a way to contribute tangible or intangible worth to society. To raise the Collective. To Unify

Please think about your in-between times, your walls, your natural talents, the incredible ripple effect of one small gesture and the strength and growth from adversity. Focus on your PACE and remember that success is measured by the positive and lasting impact you have on those around you. Your personal journey, even when you are stuck between brick walls, can create forward momentum and keep the rest of us moving. Group hug, everyone.

I came across some wonderful tips on body acceptance from a blog called recoveryisbeautiful. Very sweet. I’ve added my own twist to them and formed them into my SIMPLE 7. I think you’ll find these quite useful.

Just like the scale, a BMM (Bad Mirror Moment) can ruin your day, derail your efforts and push you to a binge.          You are so much more than that image. Reflect on that. 

TIP #1: If you know looking in the mirror is going to upset you, then don’t do it. Use full length mirrors when you are less critical of your body and of yourself. Ever have a “bad mirror moment” (I call them BMM’s and I mention them in my book, UnChaos Yourself) and go straight into a food trance because of what you thought you saw when it really wasn’t that bad? A glance from a bad angle can have disastrous effects.

TIP #2: Do NOT compare yourself to others. This will get you nowhere fast and probably back into a binge. You don’t know what else is going on with other people. Go ahead and obsess over someone’s flat tummy. What you might not know is that he or she is battling cancer, taking care of a sick loved one at home or days away from eviction.

A flat tummy might be THE highlight of his/her existence. Still want to lust? Your journey is your journey. What you see from the outside when you compare is only half of the story. Don’t make an unfavorable judgment towards yourself based on half-truth’s. Even better, just stop comparing. It’s not productive and it’s often unrealistic. And, may I be so bold to say – pick better friends, lovers, companions; work environments, social functions –

TIP #3: Appreciate who you are as a whole instead of focusing on broken pieces. In other words, appreciate all your body parts that don’t look the way you want them to or are obviously genetically predestined to be your “trouble” areas. Entertain the concept of actually loving the body you’re in right now. It deserves some love. It needs love. That includes your love handles, big thighs, saggy whatever and even a bloated belly. Not only that, love and respect and appreciate your brokenness. Being perfect is boring. It’s overwhelming to those around you. It’s a fallacy, for the most part. It’s not sustainable. It’s not human.

TIP #4: Start picking better foods. It’s that simple. Don’t know what those are. Google healthy foods. Eat better. Feel better. Look better. You’ll also start to appreciate and accept your body during the process. Notice I didn’t say move more. Of course, that’s a good and important recommendation but at the very least, incorporate proper nutrition.

I know handfuls of fitness fanatics that are over fat despite hours and hours in the gym or on the pavement. Workouts are for getting stronger and reshaping your body (among many other awesome aspects) and that’s 100-percent important but dialing in your diet is critical to life-long success. Injuries, traveling, a crisis, etc., can lead to diminished exercise time. Understanding how to mitigate your health via your diet will save you every time. whatever and whenever you can so you are around loving, accepting and motivating individuals.

TIP#5: Thank your body for all the good things it does for you – all the time, 24/7, even when you’re a hater. Imagine what this would look like – if your constant, negative internal dialogue was vocalized to a real person. Devastating, demoralizing and paralyzing, to start.

TIP #6: Keep going and forgive yourself for mistakes, which always teach us something. This is a very, very, very long journey. Don’t hold onto something that cannot be changed. Release destructive thoughts about actions that are in the past. Even five minutes ago. Move on. You cannot beam yourself into outer space every time you come across chocolate chip cookies or a potluck gathering. If you break down and break your “diet” or binge, agonizing over it will not reverse the situation. Your unmet emotions were driving you. Dive into that motivation and figure out what needs are not being met. (I address this at length in my book, UnChaos Yourself.)

TIP#7: If you have a true eating disorder, you probably need to get professional help. Cravings and addictions are emotional and physical and that means you can be overpowered despite knowing better. You are not weak or stupid. Food is a drug for you.

Any of these resonate? Would love to hear from you. Perhaps, you have your own tips to share. Here’s a good article on body acceptance with additional insight and tips.  And, just say no to BMM’s!

It gives me great pleasure to proclaim myself as a mindful multitasker. I now want to pass along what I’ve learned so you can stop multitasking and get more done (just like me). Once I understood the pitfalls and detriment in this beloved style of productivity – major multitasking, I pivoted immediately. And, let me just say that I am designed (via human design as a manifesting generator) to multitask – up to a certain level.

Being lulled back into the seductive nature of it is a constant battle but like the rest of our challenges, it’s worth the fight. Studies indicate that we cut off our creative flow when we constantly switch “piles” or focus. We think we are rockstars while we juggle seven different things, and in a sense, we are but at what cost? Doing much of it half-ass, as I like to say, or missing critical details; forgetting a general concept and quite possibly creating barriers to our full creative force and certainly productivity.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know that we have to spin different plates during the day and even during our work, whether at home or at an outside office. You have to take a call or answer an important email or stop to help with homework. External factors out of your control are just that, out of your control.

I also appreciate the innate ability of many of us to productively manage several different piles or files at once. If you have even the slightest ADHD, you probably have over 10 tabs open on your computer at once. I count 17 right now. Having said that, they stay open day after day until I get to them for whatever reason I originally opened them. I don’t click on them all day.

I intrinsically lean into my urges to bolt downstairs and look for yummy snacks or open my phone and see if my latest post got any likes or comments, or to see which text message I should respond to. I push through the discomfort of staying with a task that has begun to feel mundane. I anticipate that “feel-good” awaiting when I finish something that I didn’t want to finish. It does feel good and I do get more done.

One of the ways I’ve been able to do this is by designing a situation and work environment that sets the framework for more focused thinking and higher productivity. Here are a few tips (seven, of course).

Spinning too many plates at once makes you a crazy person.

• Do not check your phone every time it beeps or simply turn off notifications while you’re working. How many times a day do you check your phone for texts, emails or anything else?
• Close your social media tabs on your computer so you don’t sneak a check on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram (and, no checking on your phone either).
• Put away other piles of paper, magazines, to do lists or anything related. Clean desk. Tidy up around your space so you are not visually distracted. If the project is important, don’t take calls from friends or anyone unrelated to your task. Critical and personal issues allowed, of course.
• Turn off your television, even if it’s just background noise.
• When you get uncomfortable or stuck, sit with it instead of moving on to something else right away. If you stay stuck, take a short walk or grab a healthy snack; sit outside for a few minutes or just take some deep breaths as you walk around your house and free up your thoughts. Sit back down and dive in. Finish what you started instead of starting something else. This one is critical because if you’re not careful, you will end your day with a bunch of busy-work and shuffling stuff and not enough of the “critical few” or 20-percent (of the 80/20 rule) that is necessary to feel accomplished and to see results. It’s about knowing that you added value to your day or to others.
• Give yourself a time deadline instead of leaving the task open-ended.
• If it’s truly time to move on to something else, put that particular project away (whatever that means to you) and clear your desk and work area for the next stream of creativity or focus.

Even our gyms are guilty. They provide TV’s in just about every area, constantly distracting us from our workout. Good grief. And now that I’m on my soapbox, how often do you see our fellow gym rats periodically checking their cell phones (in essence, multitasking)? I’ll give on the online workouts, of which there are thousands. I get that. But, texting and take phone calls – several times within 30 minutes? Sitting on the abductor machine chatting away on your cell for over 12 minutes (yes, I kept track as I moved through push-up’s, kettlebell’s, and medicine ball sets). Sitting in that compromising position alone, just why?

And, please don’t be this kind of multitasking. Are we all that important that we have to be connected to the latest post, email or text, even at a coffee or meal with friends or out on a date; dinner with family; while watching a play; hiking for Pete’s Sake? Now I keep my cell off the table, in my pocket or purse unless I have a legitimate reason to have it out. I’ll honor those. However, I’ll excuse myself to take a call or answer a text and if my companion(s) doesn’t/don’t offer that when we’re in the middle of a convo, I no longer take out my phone to “keep busy” and try to look less important. My advice, at least say “excuse me, I need to take this” or how ’bout “excuse me, you’re really not that interesting so I’m going to check my phone for something better while we talk.” Yes, that’s snarky. But, you exactly what I mean.

So, tell me about your tasking challenges and how you handle distractions or if you dare to share, give us your worst multitasking blunder. The email typo. The text auto correct. Sending a sexy message to the wrong person. I know someone who did that. No, it wasn’t me.

Reading this entry from 2017 was a bit surreal. These “mini lifetimes” can either feel real and visceral, or they can feel like another form of yourself that you barely recognize. I enjoyed this funny walk down memory lane and I hope you do, too.

Why on earth would I name this post Acting and Getting Screwed, you probably wonder. I was reminiscing about my life many years ago around the same month and day. So much has changed. One of the advantages to blogging. It’s like a mini-journal of your life. Here’s the entry for that day and the reason for the unusual title.

Two auditions over the last several days, both for testimonials. Funny thing, after I was done, I actually wanted to buy the product and service! Hate to admit our dirty little secret, not that you don’t already know, but those are “posers” and “fakers” when you see ads with satisfied customers. Well, not all of them…but, most. Anyway, felt good about both the companies so that helps. In fact, I was feeling really good about today’s audition so I was happily driving home from Marina del Rey – all good and thinking to myself, “what a great day” – until the driver in front of me, who appeared to be going around a car that unexpectedly made a right turn, actually didn’t and I couldn’t stop in time, thereby slightly tapping the back of her bumper…enough to leave a small imprint of a little screw from my front license plate on her rear bumper. Back to f-ing reality. Nothing like getting screwed by a screw…If I do get lucky enough to book one of the jobs, the pay will probably be eaten up in “bumper” charges. Whatever. Should be starting a new VO job tomorrow. If I can just not jump any more rear ends…couldn’t help myself. You know what I mean. Drive carefully out there.

Thinking back at all the small, non-union gigs I had in comparison to the driving, traffic and gawd-awful auditions, I just can’t imagine how I did it.

Has that ever happened to you? Looking back, it seems surreal that I would even consider the concept let alone go through with it…for two+ years. That’s how life works and I’m still grateful for all the experiences. I did the Gene Simmons Family Jewels show. I auditioned at the Playboy TV studios. I did a corporate video for Taco Bell. I got to play a drunk and a cougar. I was in an Ugly Betty commercial. I had people ask me for an autograph (that was strange) and I got to say the F-bomb on camera in a scene over and over again for six hours.

I learned what it’s like to stand next to Miss San Diego for almost 30-minutes waiting for our audition, wondering how the casting agent could have possibly requested both of us for the same role and wishing Miss Beauty Queen would stop talking to me since I had to perch my neck back to see her face at the 5’9″ level (from my 5′ 2″).

I also experienced the Miss Creepy auditions in Woodland Hills for a Horror Fest hosting job, during which I sat next to a woman with pet spiders wearing an “I love blood” t-shirt. And, let’s not forget about the big-time role for Swifter (pretty big money, for real) with a limited number of actors – me being one of them – called in. I started the audition and one of the camera operators whispered something to the casting director’s assistant and they both chuckled. (F*ck!) Stay cool, I told myself. Then, at the end, I looked over at the director and she had fallen asleep. What an impression I must have made.

There was also the “pretend you’re in the back of the van” reading when for some reason I decided I should stand up for my lines, resulting in laughter and annoyance from my “pretend husband and kids” reading with me. Not sure the extra sarcasm from the casting director was necessary but I appreciated his irritation when I also handed the “pretend map” to my “pretend husband” during the wrong lines, messing up everyone else’s reactions. Wished I could have “pretended” that entire audition away.

It’s cray-cray for sure but I especially love memories that bring a smile to my face or make me laugh again. Plenty of those. Did tons of other jobs, too, and made some cash but quite happy to know that the auditions are in the past. I still do some local jobs from time to time but no more casting calls!

Hope you have some cray-cray in your past that paints your memories and life with color and fun. Would love to hear about them.

• She uses something specific in her complimentor reflection. In other words, instead of saying “you always look great” she says something like “you have the best style in clothing and accessories. I especially love that red and tan outfit you wore at our luncheon.” Or, in the middle of your conversation, she might pause and say “I just gotta tell you how wonderful of a storyteller you are.”
• She asks a question about your lifebefore she talks about hers. Once again, from details to a general concept, there is always something she will remember about your last conversation and she’ll lead with that before talking about her stuff, even if her stuff is a pretty big deal.
• She doesn’t even have to talk about herself at all. I actually look forward to hearing about her life but you get the sense that she is never salivating over her latest newsor desperately waiting to vent or complain, even if it’s justified. (Although, I do wish she would share her good stuff more often.)
• She passes along good words to others. She is very generous in sharingpositive aspects about you to others, face-to-face or in letters or posts, etc.
• She listensintently and without interruption. It was a long time ago and we did not have the technology and “screen” time issues that pull us away from one-on-one contact like today but I can almost guarantee you that if we had, she would not have checked her cell phone, read a text or taken a call during the interaction.
• She follows up. It wouldn’t be odd to get an email saying how nice it was to see you or how it made her day, followed by words of encouragement or a positive reflection about the conversation.
• She really cares. One of my favorite sayings, in da-whole-wide-world, is no one cares how much you know before they know how much you care, and she epitomizes this saying. Whether it’s good or bad or exciting news, her reactions are heartfelt. At that moment, she is focused on you and your news and it doesmake a difference to her. What a precious and needed gift she provides. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

This heart tomato courtesy of beautiful amazing world (on Facebook) just makes me feel good!

Let’s go out and make someone feel good. Remember, genuine and real or it doesn’t count.