2. Why are you doing this?
The question itself does not bother me. It’s the manner in which this question is asked. It’s always some “Captain Save A Ho” who thinks he’s in love with you. Worry and sorrow fill his face as he asks, “why are you doing this?!”. And it will surly be followed by him guessing why he thinks I’m “doing this” at rapid fire. As if he were on a game show and is going to win a prize the faster he guesses it: “You’re a student? Single mom? Abusive boyfriend?! CRACK ADDICTION?!.” Sorry Captain Save A Ho, you will never have a chance with me. You’ve exposed your close-mindedness. You’re only going to bore me.

3. Do you give happy endings?
This question is annoying, because we know exactly what you are talking about. However, this one allows you to get creative. The next time I get asked this question, I am going to tell him that I DO give happy endings. Once I sell him the VIP and our time is coming close, I will simply stand up and say “And we all lived happily ever after”.

4. What are doing after you get off work?
The answer will always the same: “Sleeping, mother fucker”.

5. Do you have a boyfriend?
Despite what many might think, strippers are not stupid. Especially when it comes to their money. By telling you we have a boyfriend or a husband, you’re going to picture your money going to him, when you give your money to me. Therefore making the process of extracting money from you , much more difficult. So just like question #1, you’ve accomplished nothing but being lied to.

6. Why should I pay for something I can get for free?
Easy, because you’re in a strip club, asshole.

7. Stand up and let me take a look at you.
I’m not cattle, and I don’t want to be treated as such. When I get asked this question, I stand up… and walk away.

8. You should give me a cheaper dance because I’m better looking than most of the guys you dance for.
Honey, in no way have you turned me on by saying this. You should be humiliated. Now go home and do your homework, brat.

9. I’ll get a dance, if it’s free.
Suicide watch. Someone wants to die. This is the worst thing you can say to a stripper. I think my dear friend responded to this most appropriately with: “Do I go to your job and ask for free shit?!?”

10. My girlfriend will get mad at me.
Then go home! I’m sure she’s waiting there with a ball-gag and a big black dildo to stick up your ass anyway.

Ganja Babe

DON’T short change yourself!
If a dance is $20/ $40, etc. That’s the price. You know it & the customers know it. If you start giving dances at half price or doing extra songs for free, guess what’s gonna happen? They’re gonna come back to you or one of your coworkers & expect to get that same deal. You are worth the set price that’s why you work there, and your coworkers are NOT going to be pleased with that type of action. Do not disrespect your club by going out of the limits that are legal within your particular. NO – you can’t touch him there & NO he can’t touch you there. If you’re a topless only club for example, that means topless ONLY. No taking your panties off, showing, or touching your coochie. You run the risk of being fired (who wants to get fired in this economy?) AND you run the risk of your club being fined or even SHUT DOWN. Not good business. Not worth it.

Next month: Courtesy on the floor & stage area

As I opened the newspaper this morning, I smirked when I saw a picture of myself staring back at me, featured with the advertisement for our strip club. I thought to myself, ‘I’m officially one of those strippers now’. The inner child in me grinned knowing that I finally answered all those questions I had. I must say, all in all, the life of a stripper is incredibly fascinating and exciting.

It’s a good thing my family and friends are already well aware of my profession, and entirely supportive. Being exposed through a newspaper, or otherwise, advertisement is not the ideal way to destroy your anonymity.

I think I’ll frame a copy to give to my grandparents.

Stiletto Sex

You can find the artist, Myah, here on MySpace.

One guy in particular made the normally short two minute song feel like an eternity in hell.  His breath was so bad I could have sworn I saw a green mist emerging from that flapping meat hole he called a mouth.  Each time he hissed something along the lines of “oh yeah, baby, ugggghhh, how do you want it?” I wanted to respond with, “Oh, I’ll tell you how I want it, baby, I want it minty; I want it fresh; and I want it in your fucking mouth”.

I’m thinking about incorporating my own rule when I give a dance from now on, complete with a consequence if broken.  If you talk dirty to me, you’re getting bent over and raped with a 7″ stiletto, and you’re not going to like it.

Let me tell you about two strippers that instantly bring a smile to my face when I see them: Karma and Sensation.  Karma and Sensation are best friends.  They are the reason I smile at work.

Karma is the most lovable slut I’ve ever met. She’s a stripper poacher.  She likes to get her box munched by any and every stripper she can.  She’s been with more strippers than Tiger Woods. (I keep trying to get our DJ to announce this when she goes on stage, but I haven’t been successful…. yet).  When Karma is around, everything becomes a sexual innuendo.  She’s the type of girl that slaps her leg up on the bar and complains to the bouncer that nobody wants to pay to see her meat hole.  Yep – on a slow night when nobody was buying dances, I witnessed this incident. One time, I had the pleasure of  witnessing Karma go up to a gentleman and ask for a dance.  She used what I like to call her “Barry White voice”.  As she leaned down into this gentleman’s ear, her voice changed about three octaves lower as she sensually asked “hi honey, would you like a dance?”.   Another thing about Karma that never fails to bring a smile to my face is how she calls every customer she encounters “gorgeous”.  Fat, ugly, smelly, hairy, etc., nobody is exempt from being “gorgeous” in her eyes.  Her humor in vulgarity is absolutely priceless in my eyes.

Sensation is my little bad bitch. At one time, Sensation had a court appointed ankle bracelet, on each ankle.  To be honest, I actually thought they were cute on her skinny little frame.  Little girl, big ankle bracelets.  I loved to stuff dollars in them when she was on stage.  One time, I witnessed Sensation do something that made me want to grab her by both cheeks and kiss her on the lips.  Some douchebag lost his ID in the club and Sensation found it.  She went up to him and told him she’d give it back for $20.  She said it in a way that was playful and cute, but he reacted like a fucking dick.  He started accusing her of stealing and said there was no way in hell he was paying her.  She would have given it back for nothing, had he been polite.  She wanted to make him sweat a bit now though.  He was nearly in tears when he started threatening to get her fired for stealing.  So what does Sensation do?  She stands up, looks this toolbox in the eyes and says, “you want your ID, little bitch? Go fetch!” Then she threw his ID into the busiest part of the crowd, requiring him to get on his hands and knees, under the feet of many men, to find it.  It was one of those moments that if every stripper saw what happened, a gradual clapping would ensue.  Right then and there.

I don’t know what I would do at the strip club without these two girls.   I adore Karma and Sensation.  They never fails to bring a smile to my mug.  I know it isn’t just me who feels this way either.  They bring a smile to everyone’s face there. Their positive energy and humor bring something beautiful to what can be an ugly world.

Their judgment used to bother me.  There was a time when I dreaded the moment when I had to go to the bank with my dirty little stacks of cash.  Peering over each shoulder as I walked up to the teller, I feared judgment.

Now, I couldn’t care less.  I march right up to that old biddy with a name badge.  I grab one of those little Dum Dum suckers and pop it into my mouth as she counts my hard earned cash.  They can take that snarled look on their face and shove it up their ass.  After all, that stack of singles I just slapped down in front of them is the size of their paycheck. I’d probably hate me too.

There are a couple things you can do to expedite this awkward process at the bank.  Make sure all of your ones are faced up, facing one way.  Bundle them together in groups of $25 with a rubber band securing them.  The old gals at my bank actually grew to appreciate me for this.  However, that doesn’t mean they don’t still grab the Germ-X when they see me coming.  Can’t say I really blame them though.

Welcome to our new Do & Don’t Section of the site! Here you can check out some TIPS each month on having a great work environment, the unwritten code of strippers, ways to keep yourself looking & smelling sexy, and fashion advice!  The Do & Don’t are going to be written by Brandy.  Brandy started tap dancing at age 3 and continued in ballet, jazz, lyrical, hip hop & character through high school and college. Received her AA degree and taught dance for 6 years. She took additional college courses that included business ownership, personal finance and psychology. She’s managed events, artists and dancers around the San Francisco area for the past 7 years.  Enjoy her posts, I certainly do!

-Bella

Do & Don’t: Courtesy in The Dressing Room

DON’T: Gag your co-workers with excess perfume. Instead, bring an extra stick of deodorant. Use this for all your little parts that get sweaty. Spots to hit: All over the front & back of your neck – you want him saying “Mmmm you smell good” when you lean in (or back) close. Cleavage & under your boobs! We all sweat there. Your lower back (so he doesn’t touch sweat when it tries to put his arm around you. And all around the outer lining of your panties or bottoms (need I explain why?).  Of course don’t forget your ‘pits! Your customers will love your smell, you’ll feel great, and your coworkers will thank you dearly for sparing them the air and possible allergic reactions!

DO: Keep all your belongings neat inside & outside your locker. especially outside. We don’t want anyone accusing someone of stealing because their stuff was laid out, we don’t want to take up our coworkers’ space in getting ready, and I’m sure we don’t want our clothes ending up on the floor. Be courteous of your fellow dancers, especially if your dressing room has a limited area.  Use as little space as possible to get ready – no need to throw all your makeup & hair tools all over the counter. Think of & bring out exactly what you need to get ready & put it right in front of you. When you’re done – put it away! Also in your locker, it helps to be organized! Some of us have tons of outfits and accessories. Try organizing them into bags: One for outfits (or split into tops & bottoms if you have more) one for accessories like fishnets & leg warmers, and a pocket for jewelry so those little things don’t get tangled up. You’re find things quicker & be less stressed wondering what to wear!

Next Months’ Do & Don’t: Respect of Yourself and Your Club