Today I Evolve

Why as humans do we constantly search for a purpose? Why cant we just accept things for how they are and continue to live life day by day without the constant struggle of ‘why’?

Thu, 28 Jul 2016 10:19:16 -0400

That’s a hard question, but I think the answer is fairly simple. Humans are built to always improve. We are hard-wired to innovate and explain things. It has been that way forever!

If you struggle with that fact, try thinking about it scientifically. It’s just how our brains work! We are industrious and philosophical creatures. And honestly, that’s pretty cool!

At the end of the day, we’re all human. We can strive to “let go”, but don’t beat yourself up for searching for a purpose. It’s very natural.

But DO we have a purpose? That’s another question.

I think most of us wish for some greater meaning in life. I’ve seen people waste so much time and energy searching for a purpose. Honestly, I don’t think everyone necessarily has some huge destiny. I think we are just alive like any other animal. We are one of what, seven billion? We live, and we die. What’s different about humans though is that we have the aforementioned drive to innovate and improve. We have a lot of intelligence too.

So, personally, I think we can decide our own purpose. I don’t think it is chosen for us. I’d like to think that everyone can (and should) be here to try and make the lives of others better. We can all work together to help others and to be kind. We can work to stop hurting the planet and hurting other species. We can help friends when they need us and strangers too.

If we don’t DO something with the intelligence and compassion that comes with being human, then I guess there really is no purpose. What do you think?

I am suffering with heart ache and pain of being deceived and cheated on. Where I thought I would be getting married to the person I dearly loved left and is now getting married to the person that broke our relationship. I am trying to see the positives but i can only see the problems in me like not having a family or having health issues. How can I move on

Thu, 28 Jul 2016 10:04:59 -0400

Any person who would be unfaithful to you and untrustworthy is not a good person to be with. I know the pain is difficult, but this person would have caused you pain for your whole relationship.

When the time is right, you will meet someone who emphasizes all your best qualities. They will make you feel better when you are with them. You will know this because the difference will be so clear. The person you were with before probably made you feel desire/longing/attachment. The person you are meant to be with will make you feel free.

At the end of the day, you deserve to be with someone you are compatible with. You deserve to be with someone who would never cheat and respects you for all you are. The person who deceived you is not that person.

What will make the pain go away? Time and a lot of self-care. You need to look outside of yourself for a bit. If you were one of your friends, what would you tell them and do for them? You would feel compassion for them and care for them! Why should you treat yourself any differently.

So get out there and take care of yourself. Be patient with relationships and don’t settle. Finding the “right” person may take time, but don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone anyone who isn’t worth it. You need to get in touch with yourself right now. Love yourself and learn to happy on your own. Once that happens, I bet someone wonderful will fall into your lap :)

I feel like I’m always waiting for happiness. First I thought going to university would allow me to do all things I want to do. Now I’m at uni& that wasn’t the case, I feel I will only be happy when I have my own house and lifestyle. But what if that doesn’t make me happy? I have had a very stressful year and a lot of the time I find myself feeling generally sad&lonely, sometimes for reasons I am not sure of. People around me are happy, I want to be like that instead of my head feeling so full?

Tue, 17 Feb 2015 10:19:00 -0500

Thanks for asking this. I remember feeling this way for long periods of time throughout my life, especially in college.

First of all, it’s apparent you are waiting for external sources to make you happy. It’s an internal journey. I would not count on happiness coming because of anything in particular. I have seen so many people fight for this for years, and every time they achieve a new goal, there is always a new goal and a new reason to wait for happiness.

Your time at uni is a gift to work on this inside yourself. I think this should be your top priority. For that reason, spend a lot of time with yourself and working on how you think. Remember that what goes on inside your head might as well be going on in front of others. It’s just as powerful. If you find yourself having many negative thoughts and beating yourself up, consider it just as damaging as if you were actually yelling at yourself all the time. It needs to stop. The same goes for sad thoughts and lonely thoughts. Be aware of these thoughts and work on removing them. You may find that happiness is hiding beneath all these negative emotions and thoughts.

I have said this before, but it’s not about "happiness" as much as it is about contentment. Happiness is a very loaded word with a lot of expectations. I think some people view happiness as a state of immense joy and find it unobtainable. Instead, seek contentment. Spend a lot of time feeling content and thankful for what you have. Even the small things are worthy of your contentment. Chances are, you have a lot more than many other people in the world. I would also suggest meditation. Guided meditations are great if you can find some on the topics you are struggling with. At the end of the day, you have to learn to be content with your life and yourself. It’s a hard battle, I know, but it will change everything for you. The answer is within yourself, not other people (and definitely not uni or a house).

I would also suggest talking to someone regularly about this. There is no shame in therapy. Many people talk to professionals. That’s what they are there for. Often times these problems become more and more difficult if you feel alone in them. Yes, the answer is in YOU, but sometimes you will need to express yourself to another person. We all need to feel heard. You may find that a lot of weight will be lifted.

Finally, I would suggest getting in touch with your interests. I had a difficult time in college because I did not feel like I belonged to any particular group. I think this could have been solved, if I had allowed myself to get back in touch with the things I really like. After college, I realized this and have been so much happier. For me it was being okay with the fact that I am nerdy and love nerdy things. In college, I was trying to be cool (and was very unhappy because of it). The good news is, there is probably a group of people at your uni who will make you feel more at home. This could help too. If you haven’t found them already I might ask you this: Are you trying to be someone you are not? Are there things you loved as a child that you have been pushing away because you think your life should change now that your older? Are the people you surround yourself with encouraging the best in you?

If you can allow yourself to be content/proud with who you are, then happiness will come. This is my assignment for you :)

Do you seek enlightenment for selfish reasons?

Mon, 05 Jan 2015 21:48:00 -0500

One common theme that I see in all my readings about Zen/mindfulness/etc is that one should not seek “enlightenment” for selfish, personal reasons. It is easy to be drawn to Buddhism, yoga, meditation, and similar ways of life as a method for seeming (or feeling) cool. This is not in line with the teachings. Nor should the idea of attaining enlightenment be seen as a godly, personal achievement.

This type of thinking is rooted in desire and is, at its heart, selfish. Selfishness, of course, is not along the path to enlightenment. One should not obsess about his or her desires and status in life. If you desire to join in the path to enlightenment, you should be prepared to do so with no one watching you. You should be excited to make strides in your practice without anyone knowing about it. Take comfort in that. Practice in private or with groups who do not wish to flaunt the art of mindfulness. True masters of this art would never hold it above anyone else. Why should you?

What is enlightenment?

Enlightenment is the unobtainable. I do not believe it exists. At least not as any standard definition or for any two different people. I have heard some argue that specific moments of clarity felt like enlightenment. Perhaps that was true for them in the moment. Nevertheless, it does not last. No one person is perfect. Enlightenment is perfect because it is unobtainable. This is part of the journey. Can you accept that you will never reach your destination? Can you live with mindfulness, kindness, a steady heart, and a steady mind, knowing that there will always be room to grow? That would be something, wouldn’t it? I hope to work my whole life to do this. I hope my last moments of life are spent in the moment, quietly seeking enlightenment as if I were still a young man with my life ahead of me.

So where can one look for enlightenment?

Mindfulness in itself is a misleading word. We hear mindfulness and think of thoughts, we think of what’s within us. We look to better ourselves and focus on the desire-filled “I”. “My” mind. “My” enlightenment. “My” perfection. That’s the thing… Mindfulness is not about “I” or you or anyone. The answer may not be in your mind. It is more likely in releasing your mind. You need to let go of yourself and begin to realize that your body is just a creature living on a small planet in a gigantic Universe. Your mind is an organic machine, bound by nature. You are not all powerful.

You are a part of this massive balance, this perfect system of nature, this wonderful world we live in! So, in fact, mindfulness is not about hiding within your thoughts, but releasing them. You must lose yourself in order to find yourself.

Something to try:

Set a goal for yourself to meditate. Choose a reasonable goal, even if it’s five minutes a day. Do this and do NOT tell anyone about it. Do not brag, not even to yourself.

When you find yourself wishing to tell someone about your new hobby or almost posting about it on the Internet, stop. This is not about you and how you look to your friends. This is not a badge to wear on your sleeve. This is a way of life that is much bigger than you.

Once you learn to seek enlightenment without selfishness, you will be ready to share this same gift with others.

i feel like im wasting my youth. I’m always wishing I was older; to have my own place with bofriend, travel, family. i’m 18 & in university. Uni has made my anxiety worse. i feel like i’m not connecting with anyone, that i’m missing out on having fun teenage years. I do want to enjoy life but i’d rather skip these social pressures i always feel, to be free to do what i want. How do i find people to connect with? how do i become independent & do things i want without needing people, & be happy?

Fri, 07 Nov 2014 15:07:00 -0500

Hi, and thanks for writing with this question. I actually felt very similar to you at your age. I can’t recommend anything specific to you (or anyone) because we are all different and need different things. However, I think I can give you some thoughts relating to what’s happening and how you can pull through to be happier and more independent.

First of all, it’s okay to feel like you don’t connect with people at your University. Schools like this tend to give the illusion that everyone is out there, energetic, and extroverted. That’s simply not the case. Those are the people you see, because they are so outward, loud, and social about it. I think there are just as many people like you, feeling the way you are feeling. It’s tough finding them, but those are the people you need to connect with. I would definitely be honest with yourself when you look at these social pressures. If it doesn’t feel right to you, back off and find something that does feel right.

College/school can be very difficult when you just want to grow up and be independent. I felt the same way. It may be helpful to spend some time with that feeling and let go of this notion of “missing your fun teenage years”. You can’t miss something that isn’t fun for you. People always told me what to do when I was around 18. They said I should get out and party, get away from family, get away from childhood friends, live in a certain way… These things may have felt right for them, but they did not feel right for me. I am so glad that I was able to look at myself honestly and have the courage to say, “No, I’m going to do something different.” In the end, I was true to myself and I am very thankful for that.

Instead of looking at yourself and feeling like “there’s something wrong with me for feeling this way,” why don’t you look at yourself and think, “I need to find people like ME!” Start with your interests. Don’t look in places that you wouldn’t go. Maybe join a group of students who may also feel like growing up and becoming more independent. You’ll have more luck there than at a party, where most people want to stay young forever.

As far as becoming more independent. I would embrace that. Become more independent now! I have known people who started businesses while in University and others who began crafting a skill or hobby that would become a huge part of their adult life. What do you like to do when you’re alone? There’s no right or wrong way to live as an introverted 18-year old. You have to decide how to live on your own. Find an ideal friend in yourself. That’s the best (and first) step to attract more people to emphasize who you are and make you happy.

I would also recommend reading up on being introverted. It sounds like that’s what you are dealing with. I am an introvert as well. Here are two comics that spoke to me. One by Luchie and another by RomanJones. You could also read the novel FanGirl by Rainbow Rowell. I am 2/3 done with it right now and the main character is your age and feeling almost exactly the same. It’s a very good book. Highly recommended, especially for you. Oh, and another recommendation would be Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. Hopefully that will help you.

Trying to combat my anxiety problems, any tips?

Thu, 04 Sep 2014 20:48:00 -0400

Thanks for asking this question. I have and continue to deal with anxiety in my life too. I think most people do, albeit in very different ways and for different reasons. There are a couple things I would suggest.

First of all, you need to face your anxiety head-on. I think most of us struggle with anxiety way more than we need to because we’re afraid to spend some time feeling stressed out, sad, angry, or whatever it is we need to feel. By pushing away negative emotions (and filling that space with anxiety) you are really hurting yourself. Sometimes you just need to sit down on the floor and hash it out with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Say, “I’m stressed out and this is why…”

Next you need to be okay with that. It’s okay to feel anxious! Spend some time with those feelings and let them be felt. If you’re anxious because you’re worried about something, maybe you need to let that out. Explain to yourself why you’re so worried and talk yourself through it. Most importantly, never blame yourself for feeling that way. There’s nothing wrong with you! So many of us are filled with anxiety. We all try to hide it, but it’s true.

If worse comes to worst, never hesitate to start seeing a therapist. You don’t have to have a serious mental illness to see a therapist! They can help more than you might expect. A professional ear (and one that doesn’t know you personally) can be very valuable. Sometimes talking to someone trained to listen is all you need. It’s helped me in the past and helped a lot of people I know.

Finally, I’d explore the question: Why do we have anxiety? There can be many reasons for it, but I find that it is often a confidence issue. Anxiety usually comes from a feeling of not being in control. To combat that feeling, I would suggest getting in touch with your inner warrior! There’s a version of you who is incredibly confident and ready to take on anything. At the end of the day, you can handle it. You can handle everything you’re afraid of. You’re just afraid of the unknown. What would happen if you took control? What would happen if you woke up each day, turned on some excellent music, and vowed to totally kick butt? At the end of the day, take a look at how it went and remember to be honest with yourself again. The next day will be better, but you have to start taking control of your mind.

Good luck.

Hai there, I hope I am not bothering but I kinda need somebody to talk to. And I don’t really have anyone to talk to. You see I have been in love with my best friend for three and a half years now. But I never said anything. And I have been away all this time, away from that person and away from my friends. A week ago thankfully I was able to visit them, I thought that seeing that person would make it all okay for me. But that did not happen.. Instead it kinda showed me how sad I really was

Tue, 29 Jul 2014 15:49:00 -0400

[the rest of the question was cut off] - continued: ”Things in my life are not going that well. So when I saw that person I got so scared, I messed it up. She made me a cake and wrote on top of it welcome my angle. She was so so happy to see me but I got scared because that never happened to me before. I hurt her. I am sorry for it. I wanna see her again but I am scared, I don’t wanna feel like that again . I wanna be happy when I am with her.”

This is a tough question/situation, but I’ll do my best to answer it.

I’m so sorry things have been difficult for you. It’s good that you have this person in your life and that you feel a lot for them. If you think you have hurt her, you should be open and honest about how you are feeling and apologize. A simple explanation of “I was scared” and “This is how I feel about you” is something I think you owe her. Does she know you missed her all this time? Does she feel the same?

Once things are out in the open, it’s important to give space and time. Sometimes it’s not needed, but more often than not, people need time and space to digest apologies and confessions of feelings. If you speak your piece and do not give her space to think about what you have said, it could ruin a potentially wonderful experience for you. I would give this advice for many other relationship questions as well.

One of the best (and most attractive) things you can do for anyone is to give them space. Respect their individuality. Respect their privacy. Respect their need for space. Guard it and provide it for them. This took me a long time to learn.

I will never forget this quote by Paul Ferrini in his book “Silence of the Heart”:

"Contrary to popular belief, marriage (or a relationship) is not a tie that binds but one that releases. One wants the greatest happiness for the partner in the same way that one wants the greatest happiness for oneself. One loves the partner as one loves oneself, with an equal love."

The truth is this… There is so much mystery in every person. If only every couple could realize this. It doesn’t matter if you have been with someone for 50 years. There is so much that you can still learn about them. A tragedy I see in relationships is that people lose this sense of mystery and privacy. They are afraid of letting their loved one be an individual. They obsessively need to know everything about their loved one and grow to have unhealthy expectations about them every day.

In contrast, wouldn’t it be wonderful for lovers to embrace the mystery and individuality that they both have? If you think about love in this way, it may help you to be more comfortable giving each other space.

I also believe this is the answer to your sadness about her being gone for so long. This is a battle you must fight within yourself. When someone you love leaves, you will feel a flood of emotion, yes, but it should not be the typical emotions people feel. Do not obsessively focus on worry, jealousy, and desire. Remember, this is a real person who exists independent of you. You need to learn to let go and be happy about whatever dreams they are chasing after. Most importantly, you should feel good when they return. The fear and sadness you feel may be a sign that some internal growth is required.

I would challenge you to spend some time releasing expectations about this person and teach yourself to have boundless compassion for her, regardless of where she is or how far away she is. Additionally, spend some time learning to love yourself. The next time she returns, vow to be be ready. You will show her how patient, respectful, loving, and strong you are. Not only that, but you may just show yourself something too.

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How do you learn to ‘love yourself’ more? How do you love someone else without being unhealthily attached?

Wed, 23 Jul 2014 14:53:35 -0400

In my life (and my constant observations of other people's lives) I have learned that unhealthy attachment is, without a doubt, a clear sign of a problem in a relationship. When you find a truly compatible person, you will not experience unhealthy attachment. They will lift you up in all the right ways. When you meet this person, you will sit in awe and wonder how you ever settled for anything else.

Wait for what is right for you.

That would be my first piece of advice. There is a possibility of love out there waiting to make you feel completely confident and comfortable with yourself. Do not settle for anything less. Work very hard to have the clarity of mind to answer this question: "Does this relationship make me feel anxiety more than happiness?" You'll know you've found something worth keeping when this question seems silly to even ask. The right person will take your insecurity away.

Before I forget, I need to mention that not all relationships are without conflict. If a true "soul mate" exists, you will find yourself needing to work with and compromise with that person. This advice is not to raise your standards to an impossible height. It's to raise your standards to the right height! Without more information about your specific experience, it's hard to advise you fully, but I have found the above to be true of all the greatest relationships I have witnessed.

Loving Yourself More

This is a good segway to the first part of your question. How do you love yourself more? Hmm. Well, as an incentive, you've probably heard that a person who has love for oneself will be more likely to find and have happy relationships in life (both romantic and otherwise). To help you through the process of learning to love yourself, I'd like to share my own story of finding true love and self love at the same time.

For many years (during and after my teenage years), I was looking to be more confident in myself. I was so insecure that I struggled in almost every area in my life. Dating was a struggle (how could I love someone without loving myself?). School was a struggle (I needed to prove my worth). Even my hobbies, like art and music, were a struggle (clearly I should be the best in the world, right?). I combated this by trying to be many different people (who I was not) and attempting to be "cool" (don't do that... you're already cool).

What is left when you lose everything?

In 2011, however, everything came together for me at the right time. I was laid-off from my job and started dating the woman I am with today. It might seem like an odd combination, but it was the catalyst I needed. I had put so much energy into my job and personal projects that "losing it all" was terrifying. However, being laid-off was one of the most transcendental/inspiring experiences of my life. I was not greeted by a sense of hopelessness. I was greeted by a sense of freedom. I dropped all the baggage that I had weighed myself down with over the years and what was left was just me. I was there, looking out at the world.

The "worst" happened, but I felt free. It was in that moment that I realized how most of my insecurities stemmed from fear. I was afraid of losing everything because I didn't think I could handle it. I was afraid of who the person was underneath my job and everything I identified with. The good news is this: you can handle anything. You are stronger and cooler than you can possibly imagine. I promise you that the strength is there and you need to drop the fear to find it.

Finding Love That Uplifts

The other part of that story was finding love. I met someone who changed everything for me. I had always found stress in relationships and dating. I thought that clinging to relationships was love. I thought that I had to adapt to others in order to find love or even friendships. It all changed when this person came into my life. She was so true and compatible with me that I felt like a child again. What made that happen?! She loved me for me and continues to love me for me. Once I met her, I didn't have to try so hard anymore. The feeling of unhealthy attachment has never been an issue since. It was amazing. The same can happen to you.

Everyone is Worthy of Love

Falling in love in such a way taught me to love myself. I don't know why I was incapable before. My eyes are now open to all the people around me. We're all imperfect! We're all weirdos. I can tell you that every person around you has just as many reasons to feel insecure. They may be wondering how to feel more self love as well. So that's the good news.

We're all humans on a level playing field. We're all made up of a complicated balance of strengths and weaknesses. The best thing you can do for yourself is to embrace all of that stuff. I have met people who are incredibly attractive and well-loved because of the insecurities they embrace. They are comfortable with their weaknesses! When you meet a person like that, you can't help but love them too.

Loving Others = Loving Yourself

That leads me to my last point. To love yourself it helps to love others. Loving kindness is so important in this world. It's important to others, important to yourself, and important for society. The more you love others, the more you will love yourself.

Become a beacon of love and acceptance. When you see a stranger on the street, imagine their story. When a telemarketer calls, feel empathy for how difficult their job must be. Take a moment to realize how fascinating and wonderful everyone's story must be! By loving the people around you, that love will spill over onto yourself. You are just as deserving of that love. Give it, take it, and live a truly happy life.

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I’m offering 52 articles on growth and empowerment. One...

Wed, 16 Jul 2014 10:49:00 -0400

I’m offering 52 articles on growth and empowerment. One for each week of the year. Thank you for all your support recently. I hope you’ll check this out.

How to not self-destruct? I want to love- embrace- feel free within myself. How does one go about that challenge? Self destruction is so prevalent in my life and in society, so how do we escape it to enjoy who we are?

Sun, 29 Jun 2014 23:21:24 -0400

One of the greatest things in life is that you get to decide what matters to you. Aspects of society will always be blaring different and contradictory things your way, but it's within your power to filter out that noise and feel free within yourself. It might be time to ask yourself the difficult questions. When you look at the world around you, ask yourself, "Is that the way I want to be?" or simply "Is that something I personally find value in." Sooner or later, when you are truly honest with yourself, you'll realize that most of the things that you think are beautiful and worth loving are things you embody in your own life. They're probably not the things you see flashing in your face through social media and on television.

It's very easy to self-destruct. We all do it at different levels and for different reasons. When I was younger, I used to feel like I was completely inadequate. Today, I look around me and see so many unique and fascinating people. The idea that they even remotely have trouble loving themselves is baffling. Now that I have some perspective, I can see that every single person is beautiful. In fact, it's usually the people who are most "real" that are most fascinating to me. I know these people are probably self-destructing left and right in their own lives, but they really shouldn't be. They're all amazing, unique people. I would want to know all of them and their stories.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this. You are a wonderful, unique person. I think you need to give yourself some credit. You know what's important to you. You know what kind of people you like to spend time with. You know what matters to YOU! Don't let society influence you otherwise. Instead, sit back, relax, and tell yourself, "I'm living the life I want to live as the person I was born to be."

The most wonderful people I have known in life are not the smartest. They're not the most physically attractive. They're not the funniest or the most successful. They're the ones who are 100% true to who they are. They may have a millions reasons to self-destruct, but they don't. They own every minute of their life with confidence, happiness, and integrity. You can do the same.

Daniel Asks: "What do I do with the negative thoughts and feelings that come up?"

Wed, 11 Jun 2014 09:16:05 -0400

Hi Daniel,

Thanks for writing. This is a really good question. We all have negative thoughts and they can be pretty scary and often debilitating.

In my opinion, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to not let yourself feel these negative thoughts. If you are constantly pushing away negative thoughts, you will never win. You will always be running from them. A good example of a negative feeling is guilt. Most people start to feel guilt and regret about past actions and immediately clench up against those thoughts. They push away from the very idea of guilt. I have literally found myself shaking my head saying, “no no no,” trying to push away regret. In that moment I was replacing possible growth with just a lot of stress.

The answer is simple: You need to feel these negative thoughts. Let them in for a few minutes. If it’s guilt, look at the memory and allow yourself to feel regret. If it’s sadness, allow yourself to feel sad. If it’s fear, let yourself be afraid! Once you let it in, you can manage it. Take a look at these feelings and see them as natural. Forgive yourself and others for these thoughts and whatever situation brought them about in the first place.

Once you allow yourself to feel and allow yourself to forgive, I would take a look at the situation logically. Is there any reason to act on the negativity? Do these thoughts hurt you on a daily basis? Are they really worth it? Chances are you already know the answers. So take steps to replace negativity with positivity…

Why not try this exercise that I practice often? Every night before you go to bed, reflect on the day’s actions and thoughts. Recognize situations in which you were too negative. In contrast, feel pride for situations where you were more positive than you have been in the past. Go through your day and say to yourself, “I was exactly how I want to be during that date this evening. I hope to feel that way again next time.” Soon you will be surprised. If you devote yourself to the goal of positivity in life, you will see progress every day.

How would it feel to look back in a month’s time and see yourself as an overwhelmingly positive person? How would it feel to face your negative thoughts, feel them, and move on? Not many people can say they have had the strength to do this, but that’s only because they never tried. You can begin to transform your life one small thought at a time. I know that with a little perspective, honesty, forgiveness, and hard work you can become the most positive person you know.

If you have a question like Daniel, please don’t hesitate to ask here.

You can also get a copy of my recent e-book consisting of 52 lessons for growth and empowerment.

Become a Beacon of Positivity

Tue, 03 Jun 2014 18:12:26 -0400

Have you ever met a person who is so positive that everything bad seems to float right by them? They may lose their job or be presented with difficult circumstances, but they always seem to come out with a smile on their face and a positive outlook. How refreshing is that? We can all begin to become more positive. Will you join me in that goal?

The first step is identifying when and how often you are being negative. If you’re anything like me, you’ve formed countless bad habits over the years. I have found that the key to becoming a better, happier, and more peaceful person relies on eliminating bad habits just as much if not more than adding new habits. I strive to be more like my original, childlike self every day. There are so many bad habits that I see, but I am working on it constantly.

As I said, identifying the negativity up-front is important. When I made an effort to do this, I learned just how negative I had become. Even the most trivial things were incredibly negative. I sometimes can’t even watch a movie without cutting it down and tearing it apart. Part of this is the culture of youth today. Maybe it has always been this way, but my experiences with young adults are usually filled with negativity. We should set an example for them. Take the time to notice when you are being negative and when others are being negative. You don’t have to criticize yourself or others for it. Just acknowledge it and say, “Hello, I see you there. Let’s work on this.”

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

One of the concepts I have heard at many zen talks will stay with me forever. It is this: Everything is manageable. If the worst thing possible happened to you today, you would deal with it. The hardest obstacles are in your mind. Negativity (often based on fear) is not least of which. Being a positive person cuts countless steps out of the path from things being terrible to things being okay. In fact, being positive can transform any bad situation into a perfectly manageable situation instantaneously. As a positive person, things won’t bother you as much. You won’t have time for negativity because you have things to do and a life to live.

In life there are few things more important than being kind and helping others. If you do nothing but greet everyone with a smile and a few nice words, you’ll do more good than most people ever will. I believe all of us should get to a point in life where they practice boundless love and have an unwavering faith in the basic goodness of others. This is how we will change the world. I want to challenge you to look at positivity as a way to become a more kind and helpful person. Instead of holding people accountable for whatever it is they do that you don’t “like”, why not transform that negative energy into positive, loving kindness? Imagine the good you could do for others and the stress you could eliminate.

I’d like to end by saying you need not be the most positive person in the world. This is something to strive towards. Every step in the direction of positivity is an incredible gift to your own life and the lives of others.

Everything is temporary and that's okay.

Tue, 20 May 2014 15:43:00 -0400

It seems that most of us are constantly fighting for things to be 100% secure and never-changing, but that’s not really how it works. Everything in life is temporary and ever-changing. Our very lives are temporary. Nothing is guaranteed. The challenge in life is learning to embrace, accept, and respect that fact.

Your life should be enriched by the temporary. Don’t take anything for granted. The time you have with your loved ones will not last forever, so make every second meaningful and rich. The job you have today may not be the job you have next year, and that’s okay. There is thrill and peace in not knowing.

Most of us have an obsessive desire to “know”. We need to know what’s happening and what tomorrow will bring. We need to know how the people in our lives think and we often think we know what’s best for them. The truth is that even the people closest to you have mystery. It’s not healthy or kind to assume you know everything. The truth is that we are not in control. We do not know everything. Maybe it’s time to let up on some of that self-inflicted pressure. It could all “fall apart” tomorrow and that’s okay. An ongoing mantra I have in my life is “everything is manageable”. It couldn’t be more true.

In Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths say to eliminate suffering. To me, suffering is not grieving a death in the family or responding to difficult circumstances. That kind of emotion is very powerful, beautiful, and necessary. Suffering is that constant feeling of anxiety and inner battle that we feel as humans. It stems from a greed that says, “I want to be in control” and “I don’t want anything to be temporary without my consent”. In Buddhism, in order to relieve this suffering, one must follow the Eightfold Path. In studying the path, I am most attracted to the idea of respecting life. To me, respecting life is respecting balance.

The beauty in life is balance. The wonder in life is that we don’t understand everything. Life can be fascinating and joyful if you let go a bit. You need to be comfortable with the fact that everything could change. Instead of clinging to your attachments, love your time with them. Don’t make your tea in the morning with a grimace and anxiety in your heart. Make your tea and sip it like it’s the only tea you have ever had and ever will have again. This is not a sad thing, This is one of the best parts of life.

You must walk your own path. There’s no telling where it will lead. As much as you grasp and hope, things may change. Some things will disappear and others will appear. An exercise you could try is to think back through your life and remember the unexpected changes. Many of them were terrifying at the time, but almost all of them shaped you and improved your life. Even tragic loss is necessary. As mentioned before, the balance of life is of utmost importance. Without death, we could not appreciate life. Without sadness, we could not appreciate joy. These are the things that make this world filled with beautiful colors and not just a world of gray.

Change your perspective and embrace the temporary.

Happiness is in your mind.

Fri, 02 May 2014 16:37:00 -0400

Most people are ruled by the idea that happiness is based on circumstance. This is simply not true. The Dalai Lama once noted that in all his travels, he found that the poorest people were almost always the happiest. In contrast, the richest and most fortunate people were usually far more unhappy and hardened. The simple reason is this: happiness is in our minds. The more take and receive, the more we desire. We control how we feel. Our circumstances do not ensure or create happiness.

I have learned this first-hand over the years. I used to be very unhappy in college and then very unhappy in my professional careers. I always wanted more and knew exactly what that was. I wanted to work from home, make my own hours, sleep in, wear my pjs all day, and have all the time in the world to work on my creative projects. After a turbulent time in my life and the loss of several jobs, I decided to do this. Since that day I have been living “my dream”. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for my situation but I quickly learned that these things would not make me happy on their own.

Right now in my life I have everything that I wanted three years ago, but it has not “made” me happy. It has not changed anything in my mind. It’s true that I can sleep until 10am every day with no consequence (which is something I’m sure many of you reading this are drooling about), but it all evens out in the end. My new way of life has opened up plenty of new issues to solve and desires to fulfill. For one, I never realized that working from home every day and sleeping in can turn you into a zombie. This thing that I wanted so badly has become a curse to overcome. I often consider going back to the “daily grind” of a normal job because working from home can be so exhausting and life-draining. It’s not as fun as I thought it would be. It certainly hasn’t changed how I feel about life.

I have told many people this, but they never believe me. They say, “You have it made. If only I had what you had.” and feel jealous. The truth is that I do have it great, but so do they! I wish people would believe me when I tell them that if they got what they wanted, they wouldn’t necessarily feel any different. It’s all in your mind. We all have troubles and issues, no matter what our circumstance. What’s important is eliminating the incapacitating desires that you feel and learn to be happy now.

I promise you this: You will not automatically be happy if you win the lottery. You will not automatically be happy if you get that promotion. You will not automatically be happy if you reach your perfect weight again. You will only be happy if you change your thoughts and decide to be a happier person.

Move forward. Be better. Be happy.

Make meditation an important part of your day.

Wed, 09 Apr 2014 22:54:00 -0400

Meditation is one of the best things you can do for yourself on a daily basis. Spending time in silence with your mind is something many of us are afraid of. We fear that we may find something we don’t want to see. Usually it’s the opposite. There is beauty in all of us. There is peace in the silence. I challenge you not to be afraid. What lies within can give you so much power. Below are some thoughts and tips I have learned on how to incorporate meditation into your life. I hope you find them helpful.

Create a space that works for you.

There is no RIGHT way to meditate. If anyone tells you that their way is better, they don’t know what they are talking about. I truly believe that meditation can be done in many different ways. What’s important is to find out what makes sense (and feels good) for you. Maybe your “meditation practice” is focusing on your breathing for 15 minutes on the train during your morning commute instead of playing with your phone the entire time. That’s a wonderful place to start! Alternatively, maybe it excites you to make an amazing space in your home that is filled with blankets, meditation pillows, incense, soothing music, and low lighting. You go to this place of peace whenever you can and make a big deal out of it. That’s great too! Whatever makes you feel good and encourages your daily practice, is okay in my book. It’s the process of clearing your mind and spending time with yourself that is most important.

Make meditation a part of your normal schedule.

Many of us realize that meditation is a valuable thing to do. We know it’s good for our mind and our body and often think about giving it a try. However, few of us actually make it part of our daily practice. I find it helpful to think of meditation as a normal part of the day. Think of it this way: If you already have a goal to go to the gym three times per week, why not make a goal of meditating for a short time three times per week as well? I read once that you should compare your meditation practice to something else in life that you consider mandatory. For example, most of us consider showering an important thing to do, so we do it often. Why not do the same for meditation?

Meditate for short periods of time at first.

If everyone meditated five minutes a day, many more lives would be empowered and many more minds would be helped. Start with a small, attainable goal and make it a habit that you will not break. I have created a series of meditation timers for myself that I use daily. On a good day I will meditate for 30 minutes, but I have another timer for 10 minutes that I use if my day is particularly busy. Don’t make an excuse. Even if you only have three minutes, meditate!

Try to smile during meditation.

I learned this technique a few weeks ago and have been using it in and out of meditation. It’s amazing. Simply smiling will immediately put you in a place of ease. Sometimes it can even take me completely out of a sad place. Our bodies (and minds) are so easily fooled. We have been conditioned to associate smiling with a certain feeling inside. Therefore if you meditate with a happy face, you will feel it. Try this outside of meditation too. If you’re feeling stressed, escape into a private room, close your eyes, and smile for 30 seconds. It may feel ridiculous at first, but give it a try.

Meditate with others.

As an extremely introverted person, I don’t like to be in social situations very much. However, I have found meditation in groups incredibly rewarding. When you are sitting in a room with other like-minded people all hoping to better themselves through meditation, you definitely feel a connection. Not only that, but the space is filled with positive, relaxing energy. At home I often have a hard time meditating for long periods of time. Usually my computer is only five feet away from my meditation area and I know that emails are coming in and need my attention. It’s sometimes very hard to break away from the stress of daily life when the only person in the room holding you accountable is yourself. When you meditate with others, it’s very easy to get into the mindset of meditation. I am able to meditate for an hour straight when in the company of Buddhists at my local meditation center. This is something that is much harder to do on my own. There’s no shame in taking inspiration from others. Many towns have a meditation center. I would look to see if there is a group you can join in your area.

Read before meditation.

I meditate every day that I can and I always read first. I have a whole collection of books on the subjects of the mind, Zen, Taoism, etc. I read a chapter or so and find inspiration and empowerment in the words. Without fail, it puts me in a new and better mindset than before. It also gives my mind something helpful to reflect on if my thoughts do start wandering during meditation. I’ve also found that sitting in silence after learning something powerful from a book helps me to digest the lessons and take them with me throughout the day. By reading before meditation, not only do I make the meditation better, but my day becomes better as well. There is a wealth of amazing books that you should definitely start reading. Today I Evolve is a good place to start!

Set a time and stick to it.

Determine when meditation will help you the most during the day and make a realistic schedule. Maybe it’s first thing in the morning. Meditating in the morning can put you in a wonderful state of mind for your work day. However, it may also put you back to sleep if it’s too early or turn out to be short-lived after you read your first passive-aggressive email in the morning. If this is the case for you, maybe you should try meditating during lunch or around dinner time. Meditating before sleep is a popular time for many people. Sleeping with a clear, peaceful mind is truly a beautiful thing. Personally, I like to meditate mid-morning and take as much positive energy as I can throughout the rest of my day. I also meditate before drawing or composing music, which is very helpful for me as well.

The point I am trying to make is this: if you make meditation an important part of your day, it can transform your life more than anything else you are currently doing. Instead of relying on money and material possessions to get you through life, try looking within. You may have everything you need already.

Don't let control ruin your life.

Tue, 25 Mar 2014 21:56:00 -0400

I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking lately and have been focusing a lot on my innate desire to be in control of everything. I’m convinced that the unhealthy and uncontrollable need to control (that many of us feel) is the cause of most of our problems and anxiety in life. In Buddhism this would be called attachment, but I’m not writing an article for Buddhists. I’m writing for you.

Let’s take a look at some of the problems people face in life. Perhaps you have been stressing about your finances. The desire for wealth is usually about security. In other words, collecting wealth is a means to be in control of your life and your future. On the other hand, perhaps you have been arguing with a loved one. It could be an insignificant problem such as turning the lights off when one of you leaves the room. It might be worth thinking about your partner’s perspective. To him or her, turning off the lights probably isn’t an important thing to spend a moment of stress over. In that way, you are very much clinging to control. You like things in your household to be a certain way and want to maintain control over your environment. Unfortunately, this is a very selfish and short-sighted way of thinking that most of us engage in. What about your work life? No doubt you’ve felt stress when your boss is looking over your shoulder or micromanaging you. It’s no wonder. Bosses, by definition, destroy your ability to maintain control over your work day and career. They’re in charge, and you don’t like that. Even more extreme cases point to control issues. I’m willing to bet most sexual abuse is caused by someone wanting to feel control over their victim. In my mind, I can trace almost every horrible deed, emotion, and stress to humanity’s obsessive need to control.

What does it feel like to release control? What does it feel like to wash your hands of it? An interesting sensation has happened to me the past few times I’ve gotten very stressed over something I couldn’t control. My immediate instinct was to clench. I felt a tightness swelling within me, but something else started to say, “I just can’t do this anymore.” At that moment I released the stress and fell into it. Soon it was gone and with it the moment was gone too. I challenge you to be aware of when you are wanting to control something. You’ll know it’s happening because you will be feeling anxiety. When this happens, identify it and acknowledge it. Welcome it as a natural desire that we all have and send it on it’s way. Say, “I see you there and I understand why you feel this way, but I’m not going to do this today.” Release control. It feels so good.

Do you ever wonder why humans obsessively jump to conclusions about what the meaning of life is? We say things like, “Life is about providing for your family” or “Life is about happiness” and then we stress everyone out (including ourselves) trying to get to these places of false equanimity. I spent a great deal of time recently looking to my cat for perspective on this. Every day I look at my cat and feel immense love for him. I see him sitting in the sun, with a little smile on his face, purring. He must have it all figured out, right? Yesterday I might have said that it is because he is “happy”, but I’m not sure that’s the case. I think humans are very unique in that way. We quantify and label satisfaction in a way animals would never do. We cling to it and wildly attempt to control it. My cat doesn’t do that. The difference is simple: he lives.

Happiness is wonderful, but I don’t think it should be our main goal in life. Trying to be happy 100% of the time is unrealistic for most people and actually is another form of clinging. I think we should certainly try to be more happy every day (because it feels amazing), but we shouldn’t make it another reason to be in control. To put it simply, I would argue that we shouldn’t feel attachment to any one emotion. We can’t completely control how we feel. Sooner or later, we will all experience the death of a loved one and we will, without a doubt, feel sadness. Other times we will be hurt emotionally and physically. We can’t control life and we can’t delete emotions. We can learn and practice right ways of thinking, but we are only human. Emotion is part of life and part of humanity.

My cat is not always happy, but I will tell you what he is. He is always living. He is always in the moment, and that is something that you and I are not. I know now that I need to let go of my need to control the people, circumstances, and even emotions I feel in my life. Happiness is beautiful, but so is sadness. Happiness is not the meaning of life, living is. We all must live and feel with burning fire and peaceful water within us. It’s all a balance beyond our comprehension. My intention is that this takes some pressure off for you. It certainly does for me. You simply need to confidently walk forward along your path and live this one, outstanding life you have. I hope you’ll join me in letting go of control and embracing life.

Love.

Tue, 18 Mar 2014 10:38:00 -0400

Love is the most wonderful and powerful force you can wield in life. Most of us fight fire with fire, conflict with conflict, and hate with hate. We start wars and send hateful messages. I have a vision in my mind of a future where love is the key to peace. Somehow we all know it already is, but we refuse to accept it. Someday we will look back and realize this, but we won’t hate our past. We will love our story and have empathy for our mistakes.

When I am able to find a few moments of true love, it’s so rare and beautiful. Normal life isn’t like that. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Living each day with stress and tip-toeing around the people who “rub you the wrong way.” Unfortunately, this has become the norm for us. We vent, stress, complain, hate, and unload our emotions on others. We look to other nations with contempt and pride without knowing how it hurts ourselves.

Imagine the freedom you could feel by learning to love. Imagine letting the problems of others be what they are without entering your body and settling as a ball of anxiety. We have immensely powerful minds that can choose how to think. How will you choose to be?

A mind of judgment and hate can (and will) eat you from the inside out. A mind of greed will lead to a life of discontentment and lack. A mind filled with love and acceptance, on the other hand, will lead to a life of peace and happiness. I know you want this. We all want this.

Empathy is a good place to start. Every person starts life in the same way. We grow as innocent children and learn how to live and think based on our circumstances. If you look at it in that way, it is easy to relate and understand your fellow humans in this life. When you meet someone who you could easy greet with disgust, try to see them as who they are: human. They are just like you and completely deserving of your empathy. Even the worst criminals are victims of their own thoughts and circumstances. There are better ways to fight them than with hate and violence.

Learn the art of silence through this process. We are always so eager to speak our mind and prove something to others. What do you really have to prove and how often do your rantings result in actual good? It is easier to control your mind when facing it directly, in silence. It is your own battle, after all. The real change must happen in your own mind, not anyone else’s.

I’ve noticed over the years that most people can’t love on their own. Everything they do needs to be known and noticed by others. They can’t have a genuine feeling for another without telling someone about it. Think of the classic romantic blunder of telling someone you love them too early in a relationship. It’s the perfect example of how eager we are to tell others about our feelings. If you choose a life of love (and you should), you should be glad to love in silence. You should be prepared to love even if no one knows it.

There is always a temptation for ego to creep in. The world doesn’t owe you appreciation for your love. We all owe the world our love more than anything. Regardless, take this as an opportunity to have empathy for yourself. You are only human. It is not unusual to cling to ego. Feel that, accept it, and grow.

Every opportunity, conflict, fight, and problem in your life is an opportunity. Each loss of temper is a missed opportunity for practice. We must work out our minds just as much (if not more) than we work out our bodies. The next time I am face-to-face with a difficult situation, I want to step up. I want to greet anger, pain, and hate with love and control. Times like these are most important. For most of us, a “bad day” is an excuse to fly off the handle. I am making a promise to myself today to practice loving kindness with every bad day and every conflict.

I have always been attracted to the phrase “loving kindness”. Love on it’s own is an unusually abstract idea. Kindness, on the other hand, is more manageable. Do you think you can go out into the world every day with the intention of being kind? It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Just be kind to everyone! Make it a priority and your life will be full. Be a hero or heroine for love and lead by example. Others will follow you.

Just published! This is a big moment. You can buy your own copy...

Wed, 12 Mar 2014 10:00:42 -0400

Just published! This is a big moment. You can buy your own copy of my e-book for only $2.99. So far it’s available on Kindle and Smashwords. It will be in more stores soon. It would mean a lot for anyone who buys it to leave a nice review on Amazon. Thank you so much for all your support in making this happen.

In peace,

Chris

Greet hate with peace, anger with control.

Wed, 22 Jan 2014 12:20:41 -0500

It’s too often that we walk out our door with a smile on our face and peace in our heart only to have it all smashed on the curb within five minutes. It’s happened to us all. You walk into work and are immediately greeted by an angry voicemail or a passive-aggressive note from your supervisor. Maybe you get a flat tire and spill your coffee all over your pants. Either way, you’ve let your day be ruined. That peace is gone. Someday you’ll have to realize that you can’t count on your day (and other people) to match your mood walking out the door. You have to be bigger than the day.

I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. - Lao Tzu

Learn to not only accept it, but expect it. Things will happen around you. People will get in your face. Telephone operators will be rude to you. Accidents will happen. Instead of letting it get to you, you need to let it flow over you. You need to greet these people and circumstances with peace, control, and loving kindness. Have an inner mantra that goes something like this, “I dare you to be rude to me. I dare you to be angry. I will strike back ten fold with complete control and loving kindness. Let’s see you deal with that. I know who I am and how I want to feel. I’m the only one who can control that.”

Treasure your body and what goes in it.

Wed, 15 Jan 2014 16:46:16 -0500

We live in a world where people fill their bodies with empty calories, fatty foods, drugs, caffeine, alcohol, and countless other things. These foods greatly affect your body and your mind. We get addicted to patterns of life and patterns of consumption. These things are hard to give up, but it’s nowhere near impossible. Your thoughts and self-inflicted limitations are what make it feel impossible. Your body is an amazing masterpiece that should be treasured. Some people treasure their car more than their body and other people take care of their computer more than they take care of their own body. How can that be? Instead of falling victim to weakness, choose to fill your body with the good things. Know what it is you are eating and discover how it actually has been affecting you over the years.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” - Hippocrates

It’s time to think about how different foods make you feel. For example, I know that caffeine gives me an energy burst, but ultimately I end up feeling foggy, confused, unmotivated, and I feel as if I can’t control my addiction to it. Maybe you aren’t dealing with a coffee addiction, but you are probably not being honest with yourself about something you have been consuming. Chances are these habits are making every day more difficult for you. Identify any eating patterns that are harmful to your body and mind. Think about how much better you will feel when your body is clean of these things. Treasure your body and take it seriously. Don’t throw just anything in your body. You’re bigger than that and your body deserves better. Changing what you consume can transform your life.