Tomato's Vine

The Nursery

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sat, 13 May 2017 15:56:00 +0000

Preparing the nursery for our little baby M was such a surreal, beautiful, and healing part of the whole adoption process. Back when we bought out condo, almost 4 years ago now, we had always hoped that room would become a nursery. At that point we had already been married 2 years, and so knew we were experiencing infertility, but had hope that it would be easily overcome. After moving in, the room had several iterations. A couple rounds as just a storage room, a guest room, and we tried to turn it into a home office too.

I never really wanted to go in the room, work on it much, or take pictures of it, it was too hard knowing what it should be and wasn't. Several of the times we were in there, trying to clean things up or cut down the clutter I would end up crying, wondering if the room would ever end up being used for what we had always hoped it would be.

And then we got the call that we were matched! Our facilitator asked if we had anything ready and I said no, just a spare room! It had again turned into a storage room, with lots of odds and ends, so the weekend after the call we got to decluttering and clearing out. And this time it was a happy process! Every day after the match I would find myself wandering into the room, thinking about how to decorate, but also wondering and dreaming about the little girl that could be our daughter. It was so surreal that so much hope had now flooded our lives!

My Mom and I were supposed to go shopping for bedroom furniture, but I couldn't get away from work when she wanted to go, so she sent me pictures and we picked it out via text! It was like a pretty luxurious personal shopping experience, haha. One downside though was we forgot to measure in advance, and the furniture was a little bit for our space, but we made it work! We left our guest twin bed in too, just in case we or she would need it in the future.

The next problem was the colors. You might notice that the room was brown and blue. And well, those just aren't very girly! I was scared to pain the room pink, in case things changed or fell through, so I decided on some temporary wall paper. I spent days finding the right one, and hours putting it up on one wall.

But the next morning it had all fallen down! I guess it was a little too temporary! So on to plan b. I decided I'd just go with lots of pink accents instead.

First we got a pink border and this bird and branch decal

Then I got big flowers, and her initial!

After the baby showers, the room started to fill up with more baby stuff, and before we left there was quite a bit, although the room still wasn't quite complete.

We actually didn't finish the room until after we came back from Wisconsin with her.

We put the finishing touches on when she was around a month old, oops! But here it is, all finally done!

It isn't what I originally planned, and took longer than I had thought, but it ended up more beautiful than I had imagined!

The Adoption Story (Part 3)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:06:00 +0000

So, where we left off, it was March 10th, we were settled into our hospital room, prepared for a long wait. At around 6:00 p.m., some nurses came in, and asked if we had our adoption paperwork so we could see her. "See her? She's been born?!?" we exclaimed. We didn't have papers because someone at the hospital was supposed to have everything, but I guess she wasn't available. So we scrambled through our phones to find emails with paperwork, and I handed my phone over to the nurse to take to her supervisor to verify that was sufficient. We scrambled through the Hubs' phone to find our contacts to call the hospital and work on it too!

After what seemed like an eternity (but was probably only about 15 minutes) the nurses came back, said everything was good, and took us to the nursery. We had to wait again at the front of the nursery, and looked around at all the babies. The Hubs look over at one and said "I wonder if that's her." I told him there were so many, how could we know? But we found ourselves being led over to that very baby! And there she was! Beautiful, perfect, bright eyes an alert, and sucking on her hand like it was going out of style.

They were doing the preliminary treatments and testing, but we got to be there right along side her, holding her hand and marveling at her. I could see the Hubs' face change immediately, so enamored by this beautiful little baby we had just met. He was definitely wrapped around her finger from the first second :). We were told that the birth mother was doing well, and still wanted the baby to be taken care of by us. We were asked if we had a name, and we gave it. It's a bit of a unique spelling so I'm not sure if I'll use it here. But her first and middle names are both honoring family, from aunts back to her great-great-grandmothers :).

After she was done in the nursery, she was brought over to our room, and stayed in there with us until we left! We got to dress her and feed her and change her, and the nurses were on hand to kindly and patiently teach us all the basics (multiple times). She was so sweet and calm, she barely cried at at all! She was so alert when she was awake, and even holding her head up for little bits at a time! We took turns holding her throughout the night, and our entire stay. She was only in the bassinet for when the nurses had to check up on her. We just couldn't put the sweet little thing down!

The next day, my Mom came to visit, and meet her little grand daughter! The day after we were discharged! We dressed our little girl up and took her back to our hotel! I couldn't believe we were leaving the hospital with this sweetheart!

It was good timing, it started to snow right after we got back, and for the next couple days! We settled in at the hotel, life was mostly just a blur of feeding, changing, and trying to take naps. My mom would take care of her for a few hours in the morning so we could rest, which was great! But my mom had to go home after a few days. A few days after she left, the Hubs's dad came to visit! It was great that she was loved on by grand parents from both sides early on! He stayed for a few days, and while he was there we got out more, including back to St. Josephats to give thanks!

A few days after the Hubs's Dad left we were finally cleared to go home! So we booked a flight and headed back, exactly 2 weeks after we arrived. It's crazy to think how much things changed between those two flights.

It was great to be home and settle in with out bundle of joy! Friends and family were excited to meet her too! We settled into our routine and waited for the hearing on the termination of parental rights (where the birth parents officially give up their rights), which was set for April 14th, Good Friday. I went to a nearby church for morning prayer with sweet girl along with me, and on my way out got a call from the Hubs that everything went well! Now we wait for the adoption to be finalized to make it all official, but so far everything is going well! We are just so thankful for and in awe of the beautiful blessing she is!

The Adoption Story (Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 14:04:00 +0000

To pick up where I left off, on March 8, we flew to Wisconsin. "We" being me, the Hubs, and my Mom. She really wanted to come and I figured in a normal birth situation I would have my Mom to help me, and if things fell through I would want her there even more, so the three of us travelled together :). It all went pretty well!

We got into Wisconsin late at night, so we just got our rental car (which turned out to be the same make and model as my car, but a newer year, so luxurious :) ) and headed to our hotel. We stayed at a Residence Inn that was brand new, and it was great! We had a nice bathroom, bed, living room, and kitchen! There was free breakfast every day too! My mom got the room right next to ours, perfect!

On March 9th, we decided to try to get a little tourism in. My Mom went to mass in the morning, but me and the Hubs took our last opportunity to sleep in. Then we joined up, stocked up on groceries and what baby essentials we hadn't brought with us, and then went on a drive through Milwaukee, which is beautiful! I have to say, I love driving in the midwest too, traffic was so great, nothing like the crazy aggressive drivers in California! We were on our way to visit a church when we got a call from our California agency, that casually mentioned a complication we weren't aware of. We called the Wisconsin lawyer to get more information, and it sounded like things would be ok, just require a little more legal work that we had expected. Of course we were a little nervous, so that was the perfect time for some prayer!

We walked in the Basilica of St. Josephat, and I was immediately in awe of how beautiful it was! Really, I don't think I've seen a church of that beauty outside of Rome!

I started noticing beautiful stained glass images, one of the first being of St. Junipero Serra!

As I walked along I saw so many faces of the saints that we had asked for help along this long journey to grow our family! Then I saw an image of our Lady of Guadalupe, and was immediately drawn over. In front of her was a beautiful bouquet of multicolored roses, and a table nearby explained the meaning of each Rose, with corresponding prayers, put out by the Elizabeth Ministry. There were prayers for infertility, hoping to adopt, and in thanksgiving for adoption! I was so overwhelmed, it seemed like all the saints and our lady were all there in one place, and letting us know that everything would be ok. How could it not be with everyone we had rooting for us! That was such a beautiful experience!

After that, we went to a nice dinner and went back to the hotel to get some good sleep while we still could!

The next day March 10th, was the induction day. Every birth is different, so we didn't know what to expect, or when the baby would be born, but we were told we would get a call when it was our time to go to the hospital. So in the morning we went to Mass with my mom, who had already made friends the day before :). They came up to us to say hi, and asked the Hubs and I to bring up the gifts! It was a beautiful mass! A we walked around the church (there are so many beautiful churches in Milwaukee!) I got a call from the social worker saying we could head over to the hospital to wait, although we probably had some time.

We went back to the hotel, grabbed some breakfast, packed our bags, and headed to the hospital. Around 9 a.m., my Mom dropped us off, and knew it might be a while before the birth, and a while after that before she could visit.

As the adoption would be closed, we would not meet the birth mother, but she wished for us to take care of the baby after birth. So we were given our own room to wait in (and stay in after the baby was born) and were told a nurse would call us with updates. All of the staff and nurses were very friendly and helpful! Our room was great too! There was a bed, a comfy couch, a recliner, a bathroom, and plenty of space!

We settled in, got comfy, watched some movies, did some reading, took some naps (the lullaby station on pandora is also effective on adults) and took turns going to the hospital cafeteria for food. It was a friday in lent, so that meant tuna sandwiches, cheese pizza, and grilled cheese sandwiches, they weren't bad at all! At around noon and 3 we got some updates, but it didn't seem like things were very far along in, so we expected to be in for a long wait, possibly overnight...

To be continued...

The Adoption Story (Part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 12:17:00 +0000

I think I'll start at the beginning of the year. For the New Years holiday, the Hubs and I went on a roadtrip to northern California. It's become a little tradition of ours, so there years in a row now we've roadtripped to northern California, and visited the Carmel mission on the way, which is where St. Junipero Serra is buried. It's such a beautiful place, we love it there!

Now for the last... good while, maybe months or year, I've been in such a spiritually dry place. But as we were touring the mission, and then in Mass on New Years Eve (at another church), I felt God's presence and so much love. And I started to have hope that this would be a good year, and that this might just be the year our family would grow!

Fast forward to February 1st. As I left home to head to work, I spotted two roses on my favorite rose bush. Now this is California, so it's not like it was blooming in the snow, but it still made me smile and think that God was at work in something. As I drove into work as I get a call from our facilitator. She informed me that we've been picked by a birth mother due March 10th, and tears streamed down my face as she told me all the details that sound too good to be true. She would email me more information as we decided whether we want to move forward (of course!). I call the Hubs, who answers "what's wrong?", we never call each other that early unless there's a problem haha. Oh the excitement in his voice as I told him! And of course he wanted to move forward too! So we look over the paper work, and call the facilitator to officially say yes. There were so many little coincidences we noticed even in the paperwork that seemed to show God was in the details of this, but we tried to stay as guarded as we could, just in case.

That night we told my parents, and my mom had started planning a baby shower by the next morning! We then told our friends and coworkers, while of course being cautious that things could change and nothing was certain, but everyone was excited and supportive. In the end, there were three baby showers thrown for us!

We started cleaning out the spare room that was always supposed to be the nursery, although I had doubted its day would ever come. My friends who had recently had babies took me around the baby stores and helped me gather or borrow all the necessities in case we got the call early. Baby stuff started to pile up and take over our house! We were reluctant at first to unpack boxes and wash clothes, but in the end we decided we'd rather plan for the best instead of the worst, and be ready for the baby we could bring home! We started reading books on taking care of babies, and took a class too!

Life was a blur of phone calls and preparations and so much excitement and worry. The birth mother wanted a pretty closed adoption, so we weren't in contact with her, which was a little nerve wracking, and a little sad that we couldn't get to know her, but of course we wanted to respect her wishes. The people that were in contact with her said she was strong in her plan, and she sounded like such an amazing woman who really just wanted to provide the best life for her child. I'm still in awe of the trust placed in us. Still, we were on edge, not knowing what would happen, and having no control. I'm a little bit of a control freak, so this was a learning experience for sure! All along the way though, God sent us so much comfort, reassurance, and peace. So many little things reminded us that God would take care of us, no matter what happened. The Hubs was pretty calm too, he has always been my rock in everything, and this was no different!

I checked in weekly with the social worker who was coordinating with the birth mother. She was so sweet, and was very positive about everything. She sent along updates, and even ultrasounds that the birth mother wanted us to have. Oh it was so surreal to see the little baby that could be joining our family! We hugged and stared in silence at the little girl that could be our daughter!

An induction date was scheduled, and we started to decided how we would travel and stay there. Although we initially wanted to drive, the weather in between didn't look so conducive, so we decided to fly. We finally booked tickets, a hotel room, and a car rental the week before. Then, sooner than we knew it, it was time to go! We packed our bags, including one for the baby, and headed to Wisconsin!

To be continued!

She's Here!

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 15:40:00 +0000

Sorry for the delay, life has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I didn't want to leave everyone in suspense. Our daughter was born on March 10, 2017! She is wonderful and perfect, and we are loving getting to know her!

It was crazy getting ready with so little time to prepare, but our friends and family really helped us out and we were prepared as we could be! One of these days I'll put the finishing touches on our nursery and get some pictures up lol. Life with a baby is so different, and a little exhausting, but in such a good way!

I definitely want to tell the adoption story in more detail later, but everything went pretty smoothly! There were a few little bumps in the road, but nothing too material, and God gave us peace and reassurances along the way. There are a few more legal steps to go in the the process, but we're hopeful that things will go well. The biggest is a hearing on April 14, please keep us in your prayers!

A Match

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 07:19:00 +0000

Hi there! I know, it's been quite a while. Over the last, oh, half a year or so, there's been both a lot and not much going on. On the adoption front, there wasn't much going on. While finishing the home study and having our profile go live were exciting, it was easy to settle back into the routine of things. Then things got crazy in August when we went on vacation (for our 5th anniversary!), had a bunch of big house repairs all at once, and I got a new job. It was a little hectic, to say the least.

On the adoption front, not much was going on. In the fall there were a couple expectant mothers that inquired about us, but nothing came of that. At the same time, we were told wait times were going up. So we basically settled into the idea that we would be in for a long wait. While on the one hand it was frustrating, on the other, at least it would give us more time to prepare.

On the first of this month, on my way into work, I got a call that changed everything pretty quickly! We were matched with an expectant mother, and due in early March! All of the sudden, we had to start preparing, and quickly!

It's a strange position to be in, excited for a baby that isn't yours, and that could possibly never be. Nothing will be certain for a while after the baby is born even. But we've come to the conclusion that we could either prepare for the best or prepare for the worst, and we might as well prepare for the best. So we're preparing away, and putting a nursery together, and hoping we won't have to pack it all away later, but prepared for the possibility that we might. Its surreal, exhilarating, and terrifying, all at once!

Pleas keep us, the expectant mother, and baby in your prayers!

The Wait Begins

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 04:18:00 +0000

So, funny story. Remember when I wrote a post over a month ago and said we were almost home study approve and our profile was almost done? Yeah, those last couple steps took a little longer and a lot more work than anticipated.

With the home study, we actual got a draft of the report sooner than anticipated, after about 1 week instead of 2-3 weeks. There were a few minor corrections that needed to be made to the draft, but other than that it was great. Things were just about wrapped up, when we were asked when our last reference would be sending in their recommendation. Except he had told us he had sent it in weeks ago. I guess it got lost somewhere along the way, and there was no option but for the poor guy to fill out the form again. Of course we discovered this right before he went on vacation, then we went on a business trip/vacation, and then he had some family issues come up, so we had to wait another 3 weeks after all. Things did finally worked out, and he did send in another recommendation. We were finally officially approved last week, and got the final report yesterday, just about two an a half months after we started.

Finishing our profile was quite an undertaking too. It turns out that submitting the text and pictures wasn't one of the last steps, but just the beginning. We sent the text back and forth with the editor a million (or at least five) times. Then the words got put together with the pictures for the first proof of our profile. Then we went through at least 3 more rounds of editing the text and switching up pictures and backgrounds. After so many weeks and emails and drafts I was worn down and ready to sign off on anything, and gave the final approval. I couldn't read our story one more time, lol. But the our editor decided to make a few more tweaks, and it turned out pretty good. So early last week we agreed to the final final profile, and some time last week it was put up on our facilitator's website. Today I sent checks for our facilitators fee and the printing of our profile booklets.

Long story short, after a little more work and time than anticipated, as of todayish we are officially approved and waiting to be matched. Its seems like it should feel like a big milestone, but it feels...anticlimactic? It could be that it just hasn't sunk in yet that it looks like we're actually officially on the road to becoming parents. Our facilitator assures us its really only a matter of time. Then again, maybe its the fact that there's probably a good amount of time from here to us being parents that makes it feel so anticlimactic?

I don't mind it though, I'll take anticlimactic over a roller coaster any day. Things have definitely been more calm than when we were in medical treatment. I haven't had a big emotional breakdown for a few months now, and its been nice to be mostly even keeled on the emotions front. The little set back and delays aren't driving me crazy either. Don't get me wrong, they definitely bug me, but I'm not going into an anxious tailspin over them like I would over a set back in treatment. I really feel a sense of peace covering the process so far, and it feels like an indicator that we're on the right path, finally.

Now I just have to keep that same attitude for the next 6 -12 months.... Shouldn't be a problem at all, right?

A Busy Month (With Lots of Paperwork)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sat, 07 May 2016 22:52:00 +0000

This past month or so has been a non stop flurry of activity on the adoption front as we tried to get our home study complete and get our profile ready.

On the home study front, we completed tons of paperwork, wrote autobiographies, got fingerprinted, had doctors appointments, took online CPR and First Aid classes, took an in person all day class on adoption, and gathered a bunch of important documents. Then we had two visits with our social worker at our home. She interviewed us together, then separately, checked out or home, and gave us a lot of good insight on adoption. I think we were originally supposed to have three visits, but since we had finished all of our paperwork ahead of time, our social worker decided we could cover everything in two. That was a big relief, we'd already taken a good chunk of time off work for other appointments and visits, I was glad we didn't need to take more. Our social worker explained that it wasn't a pass/fail process, but that she would've brought any concerns to our attention and there weren't any. Now we wait 2-3 weeks to get the report, and hopefully it will be final and we will be approved soon after that!

On the profile (basically a booklet all about us and our life) front, it at least sounds less complicated. Our facilitator has people who put together the profile for us, so we just had to write the text and gather our pictures. Much easier said than done. As for the text, we had a guide on what to topics to cover and took a couple days to get it all written out. Then came about 5 rounds of sending it back and forth for proofreading and edits. That took a couple weeks. At the same time we were trying to find pictures that portrayed us and our life accurately. I thought we had enough, but it turned out that a bunch of our pictures were too low quality to use. Way to fail me, front facing camera on my phone, lol. So, last weekend we dusted off the good old digital camera that we hadn't used in years and ran around trying to fill in the gaps. We also had previously scheduled a horseback trail ride for that weekend (birthday present from the Hubs that was about to expire), so we got some pretty fun pictures in. We finally submitted everything early this week. Now we wait for a proof of the profile to make any changes we want and the approve the final version.

To sum that all up, we spent most of our nights and weekends, and a good part of our weekdays, over the last month-ish doing everything that we could do to complete our home study and profile. I might have been a little pushy about doing it all... It felt good for once to have something that I could do to affirmatively move us forward in this journey to become parent. Now it's all in other peoples' hands and, other than proof reading and approving a couple things, I'm not exactly sure what we do next. For now, I have a stack of books to make my way through. Any recommendations for adoption related books would be appreciated!

That Time The Home Study Saved Our Lives

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Thu, 21 Apr 2016 19:00:00 +0000

In case you're unfamiliar with the adoption process, it involves a lot of things, but pretty much starts with the home study. The home study is basically a background check, on steroids. It involves approximately 5 million forms, visits with a social worker, interviews, an inspection of our home, fingerprinting, references, classes, and more. Right now we're in the thick of it, about half way through, and meeting with our social worker for the first time this Saturday. The meeting with the social worker was previously scheduled for last Sunday, so we had plans to get the house all ready for it last week.

We live in a small condo, you wouldn't think there would be much to do, but you would be wrong. What with our busy work schedules and... penchant for ignoring problems until we really really have to do something about them, we had quite a few little projects that needed to be taken care of before our home could be inspected by the social worker. That translated into us scheduling a cleaner, gardener, plumber, and electrician all to come on the same day to address all of our little issues. We don't really deal in half measures over here, its all or nothing!

Anyways, one of those pesky little issues was a light fixture that kept burning out light bulbs abnormally fast. The thing has 8 bulbs, and I was replacing them all about every 3-6 months. I didn't really think of it as more than annoying, but figured we might as well get it fixed. We first had a handyman come over, but he was clueless and wanted to charge super high fees (bad combo if you ask me) so the Hubs (who was managing everything while I was at work) sent him on his way. Then we were out an electrician. I stared looking up electricians on yelp because... why not. I called several but no one was even picking up to tell me if they were available. I told the hubs, who called the first number that popped p on google, and scheduled them to come over right away. Go figure!

Now, I don't speak electrician, and really have only a cursory understanding of how it all works, so please forgive my ignorant retelling that follows. Once the electrician arrived, he got to work on the light fixture in question... and realized there was a much bigger problem. He opened up an outlet or light switch (wasn't there so I'm not sure) in front of the Hubs, and the Hubs saw charred wire and could smell smoke. Not a good thing at all. They then went to check out the breaker, and found more charred wires... some of those connecting to wiring in our bedroom! After admonishing the Hubs that this was a major hazard (i.e. house in imminent danger of fire) the electrician figured out what was wrong (something to do with how the breaker box was hooked up I think?) and was able to fix it (yay) at a sum several times over our original budget (boo). But the important thing is that our house is safe now!

When I was talking to my parents about it, they pointed out that I probably wouldn't have gotten the light fixture checked out had it not been for the home study. So, in a pretty real way, the home study process probably save our lives, or at least our home from burning down! So... even in the worst case scenario where everything else goes wrong.... at least we are still alive!

Just as I side note, once I got home (after the electrician was gone I changed all the light bulbs in the light fixture.... only to have one immediately burn out :(. Guess its time to replace that thing, but at least it served a purpose.

A New Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 03:26:00 +0000

I know my latest posts have been, well, downers. Sorry about that. I wasn't fun on my end either, but there have been some more positive things going on in my little world that I should probably clue you in on. Things have actually been better since getting off the treatment bandwagon. It was a tough adjustment at first, but getting off the roller coaster of hope and disappointment has been really good for me, and the Hubs too. It's nice to just be us and not worry about medication, timing, and whatever else all the time. More importantly, its made room for an even better new adventure for us.

We've started the adoption process, and we're really excited about it! We actually decided that we would like to grow our family through adoption before we were even married, but with money being a big concern, the "old fashioned way" made the most sense to try first. We checked in every year or so since we were married on where we thought we were on heading towards adoption, but usually agreed we needed more time to get ourselves more stable, financially and otherwise.

This past fall we finally started looking at adoption more seriously, and started weighing our options. After several conversations, we realized we were on the same page and wanted to move forward. Around January, we requested information from a bunch of agencies and facilitators (kind of like agencies, but less full service) in my area. We heard back from most, and talked with a few, but nothing was really clicking. Finally, in March, we heard back from one facilitator we had inquired to back in January and things started to fall together. Before the end of March, we had officially signed up with our facilitator, and had started the home study process (basically a background check on steroids).

Right now, we're still in the early stages, and there is a lot more to do,and plenty of time to go, but it's exciting to have gotten the ball rolling. There are a lot of uncertainties in our future, but we have started to let ourselves be hopeful, and it's a nice feeling. So, that's what's new in my world! I'll probably be writing more about the whole journey here, so I've created a new tab/page for adoption up at the top. Hope all is going well with you!

Letting Go For Lent

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sun, 20 Mar 2016 04:02:00 +0000

First of all, let me just say, I'm awful at lent. If I figure out what to give up in advance, I inevitably fail. If I don't, I never figure it out. So this year, I went into lent with lofty plans. I was going to say the Rosary every day, ~~go paleo~~ give up gluten, stop being distracted at work, try to go to adoration weekly, and more. I figured if I went in with a lot of plans, at least I would make it out of lent having done... some of them at least. Yeah.... I only even kept one the first day, and that didn't even make it into the next day. Have I ever mentioned that I have horrible will power? And that I'm bad at lent?

However, something else was going on as I entered into lent. I just so happened to be at the end of one cycle, heading into another. My cycle hadn't been a failure (on the ovulation front), but it hadn't been great either. I felt like I was fighting a never ending battle to try to keep my hormones in a good range and with no results.

For the last couple years I always felt like I had to keep fighting. I couldn't stop. I had to make it to the end of the journey, one way or another. I needed to know definitively whether I could or could not conceive, and if I could, I would keep fighting until it happened. I was largely motivated by the fear of regret later in life. Knowing I missed my chance by giving up too early. And I didn't want to take a break. The thought of just putting things on pause just to pick then back up seemed overwhelming. I had to keep the momentum going in order to keep going on. I was also motivated by the fact that I'm incredibly stubborn. The Hubs can verify that.

However, as time went on, it started to become clear that I wouldn't be getting my definitive answer. Everything was working on paper, but nothing was happening in reality. Month after month I would get my hopes up, only to have them dashed again and again. We added more medicines every month. More shots, more side effects, less energy for anything else, every month. It came to a point where there were no more answers we could find, we were just playing a guessing game. I also started to bury myself in my work. The more I could bury myself in achievements at work, the less I could think about what I wasn't able to achieve in my personal life. So... that was a healthy state of existence. Yet every time I thought about taking a break or stopping for good, I felt to anxious too even really consider it.

So, back to lent. Like I said, lent started at the tail end of once cycle. A few days after it started I got some mediocre blood test results. Oh and my doctor had gone on maternity leave (along with her nurse, and her receptionist went on grandma leave... couldn't they share the wealth?). So I had two options, and I had to make the decision myself: I could keep up with what we'd been doing... or I could stop. And for the first time, rather than feeling anxiety about the latter choice, peace started to sink in instead. A peace I couldn't shake when I thought about it. So I told the Hubs I was thinking about stopping, maybe just for now, maybe for good,and he was on board. He'd been suggesting I take a break for a while, but I had kept resisting.

Actually following though wasn't too difficult, when the time came or me to take medications for the next cycle... I just didn't. I still had peace, but it wasn't particularly easy either. Believe me, I thought about running down to the pharmacy and renewing my prescriptions last second... but I didn't. There has been a good amount of adjusting, physically and mentally. My hormones have been very unhappy, and lashing out, mostly with nonstop breakouts. There have been some tears too. It's not an easy process to finally accept that I might never conceive, when I've been fighting against that idea for so long. It isn't all bad of course, there are just tough parts to this process.

All that it to say, I had my plans for lent, but I think that God had his own. Maybe its a cop out, maybe its just me being lazy, but for whatever reason, this lent, instead of making up my own plans, I'm letting go of trying to conceive instead.

Cycle Reviews 12, 13, and 14

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Mon, 21 Dec 2015 19:00:00 +0000

Well, with my absence from here, I didn't update with the last few cycle reviews. Since they've been pretty much the same, I might as well lump them all into one

All of the cycles were more of the same routine- taking letrezole (femera) in the same amount with post peak progesterone shots. Over the months I have gotten worse about taking my supplements, other than the essentials. Which actually kind of turned into a good thing, I noticed my CM is way better when I don't take the supplements supposed to help it, go figure. And while I started being really awesome on my paleo diet, I kind of fell off the bandwagon in the last month or so.

The results of the cycles were pretty much the same, ovulation confirmed, lining good, and hormone levels ok. Though this last cycle my levels weren't awesome like they had been the previous two months. I'm convinced that's due to my failure at paleo, considering everything else was the same. At least that's good motivation to get back on it. My side effects has been pretty minimal. The nausea that had been plaguing me post peak is gone for the most part. I still have pre-peak headaches and some emotionalness, but not nearly as bad as it had been. My pmsing is only bad for a day or two, and the cramping is mostly nonexistent, so yay for that.

Despite everything working and hormones being good, I'm still not pregnant. My doctor doesn't have many explanations, other than possible egg quality or implantation problems. And apparently neither of those are things that can be tested for, so it's pretty much just a guessing game at this point. To try to target any possible egg quality issue, I'm going to start taking small hcg injections pre-peak next cycle. The treatments for implantation problems are pricey, so we're not trying those yet.

I feel like we're in unexplained infertility territory now, though my doctor hasn't said anything about that. Although I have a bunch of diagnoses, we're treating them all, and the treatments appear to be effective. Yet we're still not getting pregnant. There has to be some other issue or explanation, but I don't know what it is, and I don't know if there's any way to find out. I hate the uncertainty, but there's not really anything I can do about it. So very frustrating. Oh well, I guess we'll see how the hcg goes next month.

Avoidance

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 21:39:00 +0000

I have a confession to make. I have totally been avoiding you. Well not you really, just this blog. Sorry about that. Really, I've been trying to avoid infertility in general. I don't think it was a conscious effort at first. I really did get incredibly busy with work and didn't have as much free time on my hands as before. But at some point I realized I was trying to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid thinking about infertility as much as possible.

The last couple years have been so difficult, such an emotional roller coaster with starting treatment, then having surgery, then more treatment. It was overwhelming, all encompassing. But then I got the new job (not so new anymore, being over 6 months in), and I didn't want to let anyone know about my IF issues, unlike my last job where I was an open book. I thought it would be just too awkward to explain to a new employer and coworkers that I was trying to get pregnant, but don't worry about it because it probably won't happen. Then we found a treatment that more or less "worked" (as in, got me ovulating and hormones leveled, not pregnant), and so I became a little less anxious about what our next step would be. And then the infertility ministry we tried to start in the last year more or less failed. And most people stopped asking about treatment and how it was going after getting the same answer so many times. So infertility was no longer encompassing every part of my life. I was able to stick it in a small compartment and avoid it for the most part. And so I did.

Except I can't avoid it all the time. It still hurts every month that I get a negative test and start a new cycle. Perhaps even more so now that everything is "working" and has been for months, yet still no pregnancy. And I still have doctors appointments and blood tests every month, and medicines and supplements to take every day. And every big holiday or milestone that passes still feels like a punch in the gut, to pass once again with no child on the way or in our arms. On those days like today (the first day of another cycle and the 5 year anniversary of our engagement) I realize I can't stick it all in a compartment, and I could still use the outlet and community that this blog provides.

It just so happens that this time it fell on a day that I actually had some spare time. So... that resulted in my first post in months. That's where I've been and what's been going on for the most part. I'm hoping to start stopping by here more often... but we'll see.

7QT Vol. 11: While I Was Out & Other Random Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sat, 26 Sep 2015 04:45:00 +0000

So... remember that time I didn't blog for, oh, over a month for no reason? Yeah, sorry about that. I thought I'd give a little explanation for my absence from this little corner of the interwebs and catch you up on what I've been up to.

-1-

Why I Haven't Been Here

I really have missed blogging. Its just that I only have a couple of hours of free time when I get home from work to bed time, and most days I like to spend that time relaxing or hanging out with the hubs. It only took a few times of me yelling at him to stop talking while I was trying to blog for me to realize that mayyybe I had my priorities backwards. Free time is still pretty hard to come by, but we'll see if I can work this into my schedule more often.

-2-

Fourth Anniversary

The day after my last post in August was our fourth anniversary. I really meant to write a post about it but, well, see above. We made a week of it really. We went out of town the weekend before and went wandering around in the mountains, which was a pretty good time. Then we had a nice dinner on our actual anniversary. I have to say ,this last year was a pretty crazy one on our marriage. Lots of downs, like financial issues, medical treatment and surgery, but lots of positives too, like making it through the rough patches. I definitely feel like we're stronger for it all. Despite how cheesy and cliche it sounds, I do feel like I love the Hubs more each day, and I am so blessed to have him.

-3-

Hub's Promotion

Speaking of the Hubs, and my excuses for not writing, the Hubs got a promotion in the last month. He has worked very hard for it, and I'm very proud of him! Of course it means longer work hours for the Hubs too now, and less time together, so take that as another excuse for why I haven't blogged recently.

-4-

Paleo Diet

I don't know if you caught the brief mention in my last post, but after my doctor recommended that I cut out gluten and dairy I decided to dive right in and give the paleo diet another try. The Hubs got dragged along too, under some protest. The first month, we went the easy route and got food delivery. That ended a couple weeks ago though, and we've been on our own... a little scary, and I haven't been perfect. I will say, when I'm actually complying with the rules I feel so good! Oddly enough, the hubs has actually felt worse. We're pretty sure he's highly evolved and requires food that is processed and includes chemicals to survive. My cooking skills also have much room for improvement, thought I will say, I made this chicken tikka masala recipe yesterday, and it was pretty awesome!

-5-

Other Miscellany

There's nothing else I have enough to say to write a whole blurb about, so I'll just ramble about some other random things I've been up to. Hmm, there was a random day trip to go apple picking (so fun!), a last minute 24 hour trip to as Vegas with my sister, a boat ride for my sister's birthday, the death of all of my tomato plants :( (apparently they require water), trying Indian food for the first time (so good), and arguing (and winning) a super important motion (with less than a day to prepare for it). So... lots going on!

-6-

Disneyland

My birthday isn't for a few weeks, but we're already making plans to go to Disneyland for it! I'm so excited! I had passes growing up, but stopped renewing when I went to college in a different state. I visited a couple times when I was home from college, but haven't been back since then, its so pricey. I finally have convinced the hubs and rationalized to myself that it'll be worth it for my birthday! It should be a good time!

-7-

The Pope!

I am so excited that the pope is in town (or the country) right now! I may be on the opposite side of the country, and not able to get to the east coast, but I'm still keeping up with everything going on over there as much as I can. I'm loving his speeches and homilies, and pictures and videos are fun too!

I'm pretty sure this video is my favorite so far. Though the pope in his fiat is pretty great too!

---

That's all I have for you now! What have you been up to lately?

As always, for more great posts, check out Kelly's at This Ain't The Lyceum.

Cycle Review 11

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Thu, 24 Sep 2015 05:53:00 +0000

Hi! So after an unintended, unofficial break I'm back! Sorry about that, things have been busy, as per the new usual, and I just don't have the energy to write when I get home after a long day of reading and writing. Anyways, I thought I should at least update my latest cycle review, considering I"m already a week into the next cycle review. So here we go!

So I started off the cycle taking letrezole (femera) for the first time since surgery, after clomid had stopped working again. I also started the paleo diet, again, after my doctor suggested I try going dairy and gluten free. The cycle turned out pretty normal. I had some weird bleeding and the same old pre ovulation headaches (I'm really getting tired of those). CM quality was slightly better than on usual clomid cycles, yay! Then somebody decided to take a last minute girls trip right around ovulation. very smart idea, I know. So yea, we knew our chances weren't so great this cycle.

Post peak wasn't actually too bad, especially compared to the last few cycles. The nausea actually was barely existent, save for a few minor waves of it. The PMS wasn't bad either. I was actually surprised when my period showed up because I wasn't being super hormonal and crazy. Once my period started... well I did get a little hormonal. The cramps weren't bad at all though, so yay!

At my appointment, my doctor confirmed via ultrasound that I ovulated, yay! My lining looked good and my hormone levels were good too. So not a bad cycle. The plan for next cycle is letrezole again. If we don't get a positive test next cycle my doctor wants to move on to injectibles or a middle step. That's a little stressful considering I'm not sure my work schedule will give me the time that the monitoring for injectibles requires. But I'm just going to worry about that when it happen. So I guess we'll see.

I Just Want It To Be Over

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Thu, 13 Aug 2015 06:55:00 +0000

Like I mentioned in my last post, there's part of me that was relieved to find out I wasn't ovulating. Why? Well, lets wind back a few days.

Saturday night the Hubs and I sat at a fancy dinner for our preemptive anniversary celebration. I was trying hard not to bring the infertility/medical treatment topic up, because I usually ruin special events by bringing our issues up and then getting all emotional about them. I can't help it, it's just what I do. So of course, despite my best intentions, I finally brought it up (though I think it was at least after our appetizer).

We started to talk about what to do going forward. I hadn't been feeling good for a while, what with side effects from meds and supplements and all, and wasn't sure if I could take another cycle on that particular mix. (This was before my latest cycle review that, well, simplified the options.) The Hubs suggested that we take a break the next cycle. This isn't the first time he's made that suggestion, its been something we've talked about quite a bit over the last few months as the side effects have gotten more and more difficult to deal with. The idea of it is nice, and I do think it would be good for me, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I'm a very stubborn person.

But this time, before I had really even though of my response, I blurted out "I don't want to take a break, I just want it to be over with." I hadn't really even thought about it that much, but I guess that is a big part of why I didn't want to take a break. Taking a break isn't really just stopping it all. It just means maintaining for a while then jumping back into it all full swing again. The thought of that is about as exhausting as keeping up with the status quo.

All I've wanted from the begging of this journey, other than you know, a child, has been to know when and how it'll end. Such a simple wish right? I know there wouldn't likely be any answering of that, but hey, I could hope. I'm the kind of person that hates suspense in the first place, for anything. Apply it to my own life, and it gets 100 x worse.

If the suspense wasn't bothering me enough, there's also the toll infertility has taken on my life. To say it has thrown thing for a loop would be a giant understatement. It's more like it turned my life on spin cycle. It's a never ending merry go round of tests, diagnoses, procedures, more tests, side effects, and emotions. It's impacted every area of my life, and changed who I am, in both good and bad ways. That's all a really long way of saying that its exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausting. With no end in sight.

I think that's why I've kept plugging along without rest, I just keep hoping to get to the end, one way or another. Whether that's a baby in our arms, or knowing for once and for all that it just isn't going to happen. Choosing to keep going gives me some false sense of control, like I actually have a say in what happens (hah), and that taking one step will get us closer to the end.

I think that's why the news on Monday was somewhat of a relief. Even though it means one more thing didn't work... it also means one more step closer to the end of this journey. As hard as it is to face that the end might not be us being parents... it's comforting to think that some day my life might not revolve around medical treatment again.

Cycle Reviews 9 & 10

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 04:26:00 +0000

Hi! Yes, I'm still alive, just haven't had much time on my hands, still pretty busy over here. I thought I'd stop by and update on the latest cycle review though. I don't know if you noticed, but last month there wasn't a cycle review. That actually wasn't my fault, my doctor had the audacity (lol) to take a vacation. So now you you get two cycle reviews in one, lucky you!

It actually works out pretty well, because the last two cycles were pretty similar. Same old same old with the clomid and progesterone shots and tons of supplements in between. The side effects of, well, some of the many possible things really kicked up though. I had nonstop headaches pre-peak (think going to sleep and waking up with headaches for at least a week, ugh) then post peak nausea that made me plan my walking routes but what trash cans I could stop by if necessary (luckily was never necessary). So... that was fun.. if you call barely functioning fun.

I noticed that pre-peak my mucus quality was pretty poor, even though I was on ALL the mucus enhancers, and post-peak I lost all my dry days I had been gaining. Then I got some results from my first round of blood tests and ultrasounds and I couldn't quite interpret them, but I knew they weren't improvements.

So I didn't have a great feeling when my doctor led with "Let's talk about your ultrasounds. Well...your lining looked good." Unfortunately, my estradiol level hinted and my ultrasounds confirmed that I didn't ovulate either of the last two months. Apparently, even after the surgery my body has decided to become clomid resistant, because it's awesome like that. My progesterone levels were ok, but basically just showed that the shots are doing their job.

So, on the plus side, no more clomid. I was really starting to hate that stuff. On the downside, we're on to the last option we're certain we'll try. Next month we'll give letrezole (femera) a shot. If that doesn't work, we might move on to injectibles, but the cost still looks prohibitive, so we've decided we'll cross that bridge if/when we get there.

I'm handling it, well, ok. On the one hand, its pretty upsetting to know that only 6 months after surgery my ovaries stopped working again. Shouldn't they come with like at least a one year warranty or something? And to know we only got one month to try where I ovulated and my hormone levels were good and that didn't work out is pretty sad too. I had started to take the whole ovulating thing for granted, and now I don't know if we'll be able to get my body to ovulate again. It's crazy how quickly things change.

On the other hand, I'm a little bit relieved. It's not just because of the no more clomid thing either. Part of me really wants to see this journey come to an end, one way or another. But that's a complicated bundle of emotions I'll unravel in another post (yes, I am trying to bribe myself to write another post).

In other news, my cramps have also gotten pretty bad the first day or two of my cycle. Like shooting from my lower back down to my knees bad. When I mentioned it to my doctor she said that, since she didn't find any endometriosis, it's probably from inflammation. So she suggested I try going gluten free to see if it helps. Yikes, that calls for a major diet overhaul (which lately has consisted mostly of fast food). But I think I might just give it a shot. I'll be posting about it in the future if I do.

So, I guess I'll see you on the flip side, when we find out if the letrezole worked or if my ovaries have permanently gone on strike.

Answer Me This (Vol. 7)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sun, 26 Jul 2015 18:32:00 +0000

Welcome back for this week's installment of Answer Me This! This is the last one for this summer (I know, I'm sad about it too) but I hope you enjoyed it!

1. What's your favorite grocery store splurge?

Um, well, I don't really do the grocery shopping around here anymore. A certain Hubs had a heart attack every time I came back from costco, car overstuffed with things I "needed" like 50 lbs of potatoes (that's like the smallest size they have). So the Hubs took over on the grocery shopping. He's much more reasonable about it. We did go to costco together a few weeks ago though and managed to get some fun items, including a fire extinguisher. Safety first!

2. How's your penmanship?

Awful. Really awful. Half the time I can't even read what I wrote. Not only is it sloppy, but I go back and forth between printing and cursive, which makes it look like multiple people are writing. On top of that, I make up abbreviations as I go, and I usually don't remember what they mean when I get back to them. So. Count yourself lucky that this blog is typed and not hand written :).

3. Do you have a "Summer Bucket List?"

I think the only item on my summer bucket list is survive. The work transition still has my schedule and routine up in the air, I hope it comes back down soon. We are hoping to get away for at least on weekend soon, for our anniversary!

4. What's the best thing on the radio right now?

Hmm, that's a tough one. By the time I find a song I like, it usually gets overplayed on the radio and I get over it.

This on is my current favorite, though its definitely on the getting overplayed route. It's just so fun though!

Also I can't help, I love Ed Sheeran's music. Photograph is my current favorite song, but I pretty much just love whatever his latest song is, lol.

5. Ice cream or frozen yogurt?

FROZEN YOGURT!!!!! I love it so so much. I used to be a big Golden Spoon fan (more traditional yogurt place) but now I'm a convert to Yogurtland (self serve place with fun flavors and toppings).

Lucky for me we have both of them in a shopping center within walking distance from our condo. Score! I go to Yogurtland so much I've even go a platinum loyalty card, that gets me a few free ounces (like $1 off) every so often, woo hoo, haha.

Well, that's it for this week, and this link up, for now. You can find other great posts over at Catholic All Year.

Why I Use NFP: For a Healthier Me

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 05:25:00 +0000

I think I've shared most of these details in other posts, but in honor of NFP Awareness Week, I thought I'd put the details together. So here's the story of how I came to use NFP.

First, in case you're wondering, NFP stands for Natural Family Planning, which is a way of determining a woman's fertility by keeping track of certain bio-markers. There are various types, which use several different bio-markers and you can learn about them here. I currently use the Creighton Model, which coordinates with NaPro Technology to assist in the treatment of health issues. Ok, with that bit of knowledge, let's move along.

Also, my health background that factors in to this story. Pretty much when they started my cycles were irregular. I bugged my mom to take me to doctors about it, but it took years before they took me seriously. Once they finally did, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder that causes all sorts of issues. My doctors constantly pressured me to take birth control to treat it. I refused every time, first because my mom was against it, but eventually on my own, as I learned about its dangers and health risks. Even later I learned that it can make PCOS worse, and is contraindicated due to a genetic defect I have causing a high risk of clots, that no doctor who recommended birth control ever thought to test for. Ok, on to the story (finally).

Growing up, I had heard a little bit about NFP. In college, since I went to a small Catholic college, I learned more about it as friends started learning it before marriage. So you'd think I'd be somewhat knowledgeable at that point, but I didn't really retain much other than a passing awareness of it.

Like I've discussed in more detail here, my Husband and I met in law school and were engaged by my second year of it. While we were preparing for marriage, my ob/gyn at the time told me that NFP wouldn't work for me because of the irregular cycles caused by PCOS. We also knew PCOS might cause it to be difficult for us to have children. So we decided to start marriage just seeing when God would send us a child.

After about 6 month of marriage, I still wasn't pregnant, and I started to worry. I heard about a secular book on NFP, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, using the sympto-thermal method (basically taking your temperature and watching some other bodily signals of fertility) that claimed it could help with conceiving. So I started charting my temperatures to try to identify when I was fertile, but my charts were a mess and didn't make sense. I knew something was wrong. However, the doctors I was seeing would dismiss my concerns, say everything was normal, or suggest I take birth control,because according to them there was no other treatment for PCOS and they thought I was too young or whatnot to be having children.

After about two years of marriage we finally decided to seek medical help and went to see a NaPro Technology doctor. Our first visit with her was awesome! She knew so much more about PCOS and treatments for it than any other doctor I had seen, which meant more than I could learn on google. She sent us to learn the Creighton Method of NFP to help out treatment.

So we started to train in the Creighton Method, and from the very beginning I was amazed at how much information my charts showed. It helped us create a medical plan tailored to my specific issues. I watched as things I had been told for years were normal were uncovered as problems and treated. Even though my cycles have been and continue to be confusing (though they have gotten better over time) my instructor is there with me every step of the way to help me figure it out. So not only can NFP work with my irregular cycles

Creighton also has given us tools to communicate about and strengthen our marriage. While it was difficult at first, it has been invaluable as we deal with the trials of infertility.

We continue to chart with Creighton and treat with NaPro, and I am still learning. Even though we don't have children yet, I know so much more about my self. I also feel, and have actual proof that I have become much healthier. My only regret is that I did not learn about NFP (and Creighton in particular) earlier.

It is so empowering to have so much information about your own body, to be able to gauge your health and advocate for yourself. I still get upset about all the misinformation I was fed along the way, by many doctors, including very prestigious ones. I believe NFP can be valuable to every woman. Women deserve better than a one size fits all medical treatment and misinformation.

Answer Me This (Vol. 6)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Mon, 20 Jul 2015 01:25:00 +0000

Welcome to this week's installation of Answer Me This! I hope you enjoy it!

1. What's currently on your To Do list?

Hah, what isn't on my to do list would be easier to say. On the top of the list is go check out the poor neglected garden that I haven't watered in two weeks. Luckily its been raining this weekend (so freakish for our area) so the sky has been doing the watering part for me. When I peeked outside, almost everything seemed to be hanging on, except for the lilacs, stupid lilacs. I'm adding replace lilacs with something else (maybe hydrangeas?) to the to do list. Then there's all the household chores, random home fixing projects (like getting a light fixture back on the ceiling), getting the treadmill working, try to promote the ministry, and you know... work stuff too. Most likely it'll just be work stuff that gets done. I'm sorry garden :(.

2. Better type of superhero: magic/radioactive powers? Or trauma/gadgets/hard work?

Hmm, I'll probably go with the latter. Or at least combining the two, the magic/radioactive power thing can be fun, but I think its good character development to have the superhero have to work at it too. For being a superhero movie/ tv show fan (we watch ALL of the superhero movies and shows) you'd think I'd be more impassioned about this debate... but I'm not really. As long as its fun and there aren't too many gaping plot holes I'm fine.

We saw Ant Man on Friday and it mostly met those qualifications. It was definitely fun, and funny. There were some awesome visuals (the whole point of seeing them in theater) and some touching scenes. There were some plot holes that are still really bugging me, though all the marvel movies have them. I'll definitely watch it again once it comes out on dvd, or more likely download, we usually just buy on google play now.

4. Have you ever appeared on a stadium jumbotron?

I don't know? Maybe/probably? My parents had season tickets to the (then Anaheim) Angels while we were growing up, so I went to a lot of baseball games. I loved it. Best game ever was when the Angels won the world series, so awesome. I feel like at some game we were on the jumbotron, though I don't really remember for sure.

5. Are you more book smart or more street smart?

Haha, this one isn't even a little bit hard. All book smarts, no street smarts (unless they can be learned from a book). Anyone who knows me learns that pretty quickly, and I'm always being made fun of in my family for lacking common sense. Luckily I married someone with somewhat more street smarts than my own, so we get by (most of the time, lol).

(Yes, I did skip 3 and 6, they're pretty inapplicable over here)

Just an extra note for any regular readers out there. I am really trying to get back to posting somewhat regularly (or at least once a week in addition to answer me this posts). This week is NFP Awareness Week, so I definitely hope to get a post up on that, and maybe one more, since I'm feeling ambitious right now. It all depends on how soon after I get home that I fall asleep though. So.. you'll know I'm just too tired if I don't get anything else up this week.

That's all I've got for you this week. Head over to Catholic All Year for more!

9 Things a PMSing Infertile Woman Shouldn't Do

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Wed, 15 Jul 2015 05:25:00 +0000

Otherwise known as things I did last week. It was some good times I tell you. So I thought I'd share in case anyone would like to learn from my mistakes.

1. Work a nearly 60 hour work week.

Yes, there are things to be done at work, and yes, when your first start a job you probably want to impress your boss. However, when PMSing, taking it a little bit easy on yourself helps deal with what's to come. Being beyond stressed out and past your energy reserves is not. Pro-tip: Go home on time and take a nap instead.

2. Volunteer to Help Plan a Baby Shower

Ok, this happened before last week, but I had to include it. I don't care where you are in your cycle, as an infertile woman, getting involved with baby showers is dangerous business. I'm not saying you should never consider going to a baby shower (though that's totally ok if its what you need to do). I'm just saying maybe you shouldn't dive in and volunteer to help with every single baby shower that comes your way, like a certain masochistic author of this blog does. It will not help things, and I don't think it's healthy to be trying to figure out how to plan a baby shower with as little mention of the baby as possible...

3. Take Multiple Pregnancy Tests

One might be necessary, especially if you're taking meds that would need to be continued in case of a pregnancy. However, I suggest taking said test as late as possible, and then accepting the negative and letting it be. What is not helpful is taking the first test jussst early enough that mayyybe there's room to doubt, wracking your brain about it all week, then taking another one and being shocked and crushed at the still negative result. Not that I repeat that cycle every month or anything...

4. Go Shopping for Presents and Decorations for a Baby Shower

Just stop while you're ahead, get a gift card or something. And no, shopping online won't be better. It will be worse because there will be pictures of all the babies you don't have, leaving you sobbing to your husband about not wanting to go to the baby shower but having to because you volunteered to help in the first place (see how the vicious cycle works?).

5. Attend a Double Baby Shower

Once you're already hitting an emotional wall, you probably shouldn't keep pushing yourself just to see how far you can take it. I mean, a regular old baby shower is enough, let alone one with double the bumps and what not. Ok, that's my last entry about baby showers, I promise.

6. Listen to All the Sad Songs on the Radio

You're already emotionally unstable, why would you make it worse with moody music? And by moody music I mean anything that's not obnoxiously peppy. Anything less than that will be translated to saddest. thing. ever. by brain on hormones.

7. Forget to Take Your Happy Pills

If you some sort of supplement/ prescription that keeps the hormones at bay/ keeps you even keeled, you should probably be extra sure to take it during this volatile time of the month. You probably shouldn't skip them just because you want that extra glass of wine. It might not be worth the repercussions the next day.

8. Leave the House Without Pain Meds

While we're talking about important pills to remember, these are definitely at the top of the list. If you can make it without pain pills, more power to you. But if the cramping is already starting, even if its not *that* bad yet, don't leave the house for 6 hours without pain meds. That is exactly when you will get the worst cramping you've ever had, with absolutely nothing you can do about it.

9. Decide to Clean the House After an Exhausting Weekend

Let's see, if you've had a long week, and an even longer weekend, with the last few hours of it you should probably get some rest. What you probably should not do is complain to your husband about the house being dirty, which makes him start cleaning, which makes you feel like you have to clean, and then keep cleaning until past your bed time. You may end up throwing a tantrum and start crying while throwing all your clothes off a shelf because its a mess. (Your husband might respond that it is, in fact, now a mess).

So yes, a fun week and even more fun weekend. When I start doing things wrong I just really don't know how to stop. There are a few things I'd like to think I did do right though:

1. Drink Wine

Ok, maybe that extra glass of wine was worth it, wine is always worth it...

2. Meet Up With Supportive Friends

It will definitely be worthwhile, and might even make you feel better.

3. Have a Patient Husband

This one, probably the smartest thing I've ever done. Lucky for me, the Hubs seems to think its cute when I'm being ridiculous and hormonal (I'm pretty sure it's anything but that). And will help me pick up and hang all the clothes that somehow found its way to the floor. He's a keeper I tell ya.

I'd love to hear any other don'ts or shining moments that you have to share!

Answer Me This (Vol. 5)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Mon, 13 Jul 2015 05:55:00 +0000

Welcome to this week's installation of Answer Me This! I hope you enjoy it!

1. At what temperature do you keep the thermostat set? Summer, winter, day, night?

Well, a certain Hubs likes it cold around here, so we usually keep the thermostat around 72ish. I know, that's cold. We do have a Nest, so we try to use it to minimize our a/c usage when we're not around, or asleep. I think it helps?

2. What is your favorite frozen beverage?

Ooo, alcoholic or non-alcoholic? For non-alcoholic, I definitely appreciate a shake from time to time. I'll take and in-n-out shake or a Wendy's frosty, yum! Alcoholic... I've been on a mango mojito kick lately. A margarita is always good too though :).

3. Where do you keep your keys?

On a dish next to the door. The dish was given to me by my mom, and also happens to say "call your mother" on it, lol. The Hubs refuses to use my key dish and throws all of his stuff in a bowl on the counter. Yes, there has been some contention over this issue, haha.

4. Have you ever really been lost?

Only all the time? I have the absolute worst sense of direction. Even with GPS I can (and often do) get myself lost, and I have to have the GPS guide me multiple times before I know how to get somewhere myself. Even then I'll still probably use GPS guidance, just because I like to know exactly when I'll get somewhere and be warned about any traffic, I do not like surprises on the road.

5. What is the last movie you saw in the theaters?

Jurassic World. It took a while before we got around to seeing it because I wanted to watch Jurassic Park first. My parents didn't show it to us when we were young, they probably thought we'd get scared, which is probably true. I thought the visuals of Jurassic World were awesome, and the movie was fun, though there were some plot holes. And I'm still disappointed that Chris Pratt's role wasn't funnier. I mean, I just feel like I like him more in comedic roles, but that's just my opinion.

That's all I've got for you this week. Head over to Catholic All Year for more!

Answer Me This (Vol. 4) and a Blogiversary

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sun, 05 Jul 2015 23:03:00 +0000

Here's this week's installation of answer me this! enjoy!

1. How did you celebrate the 4th of July? (Or, for you international types . . . Do anything fun this weekend?)

By celebrating my independence with sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. Apparently I've been a little worn out out lately... but I think I've remedied that with like 12 hours of sleep (naps included) a day, on this nice extended weekend. For the actual 4th of July, we hung out at my parent's house and ate some food barbecued by my siblings. I love me some good barbecued food! Then we headed over to my parent's condo by the beach.

not a bad view

We played some board games and watched the fireworks. We were super lucky and found out the show was taking place right across the street from us! That was the closest I've ever seen a firework show, it was awesome!

That's the Hub's head over to the left

2. Do you sunburn easily?

Oh my goodness yes. A couple hours in the sun and I will be fried. One of the worst sunburns I've ever had was on our honeymoon. We were walking around midday for a few hours, and I was in a strapless dress. When we finally got back inside, my shoulders were tomato red and oh so painful. My new husband got to show his love for me by periodically rubbing aloe vera on my back, lol.

3. Hot dogs. Yay or nay?

Yes! Definitely yes! With ketchup and only ketchup though. Especially Costco hot dogs. We may have gone out of our way to get some of those on Friday. $1.50 for a hot dog that is like a foot long and a drink is a pretty good deal to me!

4. Have you ever personally set off fireworks?

Nope. That'd probably just be asking for trouble, I'm so accident prone. The closest I've gotten is sparklers, which I tried for the first time the summer after my junior year of college, believe it or not.

5. Have you ever jumped off the high dive?

Nope! That sounds terrifying to me! And another accident waiting to happen, lol.

6. Do you do anything weird in your sleep?

Haha. I'm a huge tosser and turner. I don't bother to tuck the sheets in on my side of the bed because they're bound to come out that night. If I'm stressed out I might grind my teeth. The Hubs HATES that.

Check out some other Answer Me This Posts at Catholic All Year! But wait, don't head over there quite yet!

Today is also this blog's first anniversary!

Well sort of. Yes, I do have a few posts in the archives that older more than a year old. This blog originally started as a baking blog back in 2012. I only got a few posts up though, and later deleted them. Then it turned into a weight loss blog (yes, the first thing did lead to the second), and those are the older posts in the archives. I didn't post often or regularly with that though, only like a couple times a year. Finally, a year ago today, I started blogging about our infertility journey, along with some posts about faith, marriage, and whatever else I feel like talking about. Surprisingly, I've actually stuck with it! For a whole year now! So I'm calling his my blogiversary!

I've really loved being able to use this blog as a place to get my thoughts and feelings out about infertility. This year has been a tough one, what with starting treatment, having surgery, and the ups and downs of it all. Having a place to talk about it has really been a bug help to me. Even more so, I love the community I've found here, of bloggers from similar and completely different backgrounds. I love the support and kindness people keep bringing to my little corner of the internet. It's kind of crazy to be that this blog has also led to me doing things in real life, like going to a Catholic Women Bloggers conference, or starting our infertility ministry.

So thank you for reading and celebrating with me! Hopefully I'll stick around, and you will too!

Infertility Is Just A...

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 04:44:00 +0000

Legitimate Medical Issue. Ok, for some of you, that'a a no-brainer. And I really hope it is for most of you. I talked about this a little bit during Infertility Awareness Week, but I thought I'd go into a little more detail.

Lately, for a number of reasons, we've been more open about our infertility journey. A lot of the time we've been met with love and support. Other times, however, I've been met with some comments that make me work reallly hard on holding my tongue and being charitable. Like when I was told that maybe what I need to do is stop all treatment and get a teddy bear. Or to get a puppy. Or to "just" adopt, or "just" relax.

This most recently happened this morning, when my phlebotomist imparted some of the above "wisdom" on me. Now, ordinarily I would probably say something, but I have a policy about not making people who are stabbing me in the arm upset at me. So, instead of saying something, I just stewed and decided I would just get it out here instead.

The truth is, I am tired of being told, whether directly or indirectly, on purpose or not, that infertility is my fault. Yes, there are things I can do to try to make it better, but in the end, I did not cause this or do something to deserve this. Yet that's what people are saying to me when they say just relax, just stop thinking about it, just do this, that, or the other thing. They are saying that, in their eyes, I'm doing something wrong, and if I "just" did one right thing, everything would be fine. And much of the time, what I'm being told that I'm doing wrong is seeking medical treatment, for my legitimate medical condition! Really! When I hear "you're trying too hard", "stop focusing on it" or "just let go and let God", I hear that I am being told to not worry about or treat my medical issue! One that not only effects my fertility, but my overall health.

Stop and think for a minute. Would any other medical condition ever be treated like that? You have cancer? Oh, you should stop chemo, you're trying too hard, you should just take a nap. Have diabetes? Oh, don't worry about insulin, just go have a drink and forget about your issues. Have pneumonia? Forget about antibiotics, just go take a vacation! Can you imagine anyone saying any of those things, and then giving themselves a pat on the back for being helpful? I can't. Yet people do that ALL. THE. TIME with infertility.

I'm really tired of my medical issues being down played. On top of that, I'm tired of people telling me to laugh off those comments as "well-meaning." I'm tired of telling myself that these are just society's misconceptions that I have to accept.

I have plenty enough to deal with on a daily basis, like regular life events that make me want to cry or keeping a happy face on when I'm dealing with pills, shots, side effects, symptoms, and soreness. I don't want to be expending more energy that I don't have on making other people feel better.

So, what should happen instead? Well, I covered some of it here before, so I won't reiterate those. However, beyond those basics, my biggest wish is that people stop treating infertility like just a minor inconvenience, or making people feel like they're at fault. I don't mean that I want to be met with pity or sadness. But it would be nice to, you know, be asked how I'm doing, have the difficulty acknowledged, or have a shoulder to lean on.

And of course, It would be great to have people think before they speak, to have people consider what the words they are using are saying. Are they actually comforting and helpful? Even better would be people informing those around them, correcting the misconceptions and common platitudes before they reach another person, in a kind manner of course. If we can start there, maybe we can start chipping away at the shame and fault that those experiencing infertility shouldn't, but do, feel.

What do you think? What would you like to see people do?

Answer Me This (Vol.3)

noreply@blogger.com (Tomato) — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 19:45:00 +0000

1. How long have you lived in your current home?
Just about a year and a half now. We bought it in October 2013, rented it back to the owner for a month, took another month to renovate, and moved in right before Christmas 2013. No, moving during the holidays while my office was moving at the same time and I was preparing for a trial wasn't stressful at all... we only have a few boxes still lying around waiting to be unpacked...

2. How do you find out about news and current events?
Um, yahoo news when I visit my old (mostly spam now) email address, the local news, social media, and my Dad (he's got the news or the weather channel on at all times).

3. Would you be able to make change for a twenty right now? For a dollar?
Nope. I never carry cash and don't really keep track of what change I do have.

4. What's the craziest food you've ever eaten?
I can't really think of anything super crazy, I'll admit I'm pretty picky when it comes to food. I do eat crazy amounts of frozen yogurt, I cannot get enough of that stuff!

5. Which of the commonly removed parts have you had removed? (tonsils, wisdom teeth, appendix, etc.)
Just tonsils I really should get my wisdom teeth out, they're wrecking havoc on the res of my teeth, but I jut don't want to part with the money for a mostly cosmetic issue.

6. What's your favorite sport to watch on TV?
None. I don't really enjoy watching sports on TV at all. I'm not really a sports person in general (I hope we can still be friends). I only watch the super bowl out of obligation/wanting to know what everyone is talking about. I'll watch baseball live, but I don't really enjoy it on TV, it's more about the experience.

That's all I've got for you today! I'm hoping this will be the week I actually get another post up, but I make no promises. Head on over to Catholic All Year for more!