WE NEED TO BE AWARE – These plants are around us and spreading fast!

CLICK HERE to identify Giant Hogweed and Wild Parsnips

READ THIS PERSON’S STORY – This Could Happen to You!

Giant Hogweed

My boy jordan age 7 was playing next to a burn and got mud on his legs as he was wearing shorts. He grabbed a leaf of a plant and rubbed the mud of both legs then carried on playing. About 24 hours later a red rash appeared on both legs we thought it was sunburn.
Later on on the day his legs started to swell so we took him to hospital where they were quite confused to what it might be and sent us home with some medicine. The next day we went back to hospital since small blisters started to appear.
He got admitted and for 3 days he was in agony on parasetimal when in fact he should have been on morphine. Eventually a skin specialist recognised it was the the sap off a plant called hogweed. By this time the blisters where the size of tennis balls. After another 10 days he was released thats been 2 weeks now were still dressing his wounds 3 times a day.
He will be scarred for life. I have pictures but to imagine in your head its as if someones poured acid over his legs from the knee down. Jordan has survived 3 open heart operations the last one being in April this year 07. Had this plant’s sap got into his bloodstream we could have lost him. It can blind you permanently if it comes into contact with eyes. It is a very dangerous weed and is illegal to plant.
We are currently talking to our mp and the media to highlight the dangers of this highly toxix plant. Several authorities are sticking there heads in the sand because it would cost to much to search and destroy. They dont realise that this problem is going to get much worse and it will cost alot more in cash and injuries. I think it should be introduced in education to primary schools before anyone else gets badly burnt 10/08/2007

Giant Hogweed and Wild Parsnips

Choose the Right Words Please

This is a Hoot! – The Boss Not Happy With Proper English Issues!

Dear Colleagues
We must make sure we stick to the rules on how to describe people, because to stray from consistency causes confusion. The suspect in the Wikileaks case is an American soldier called Private Brad Manning. He is also known as Specialist Brad Manning. We should stick to the familiar, and refer to him at all times (until he is convicted of anything) as Pte Manning. We have started to call him Mr Manning; which, as he is not a civilian, is just plain wrong. The only exception is with officers (usually of the rank of Lt-General or above) who have also been knighted; in which case they should be called (for example) General Sir David Richards at first mention, and then may be either Gen Richards or Sir David. Many of our readers are or have been in the services and have great attention to detail on matters of rank. Since they know at once when we get it wrong, we need to have that attention to detail too.
If you find yourself using a word of whose meaning you are unsure, do look it up in the dictionary. When we get a word wrong it is embarrassing. It demeans us as professional writers and shakes our readers’ confidence in us. In recent weeks we have confused endocrinology – the study of the body’s endocrine system – with dendrochronology, which is the study of dating trees. More embarrassing still, we accused the eminent broadcaster Sir David Attenborough of being a naturist – someone who chooses not to wear clothes – when in fact he is a naturalist; and during a story about a coach crash in Paris the nationality of the driver changed from Austrian to Australian. Homogenous and homogeneous are not interchangeable and their respective meanings should be studied in the dictionary. Like embodied and embedded, which we also confused, effecting and affecting and eligibility and legibility, these pairs of words almost come under the heading of homophones, as do prostate and prostrate. We must take more care and ensure we are using the right word.
Homophones remain abundant and show up the writer and the newspaper or website. We are quality media, and quality media do not make mistakes such as these: “the luck of the drawer”, “through the kitchen sink”, “through up” “dragging their heals” and “slammed on the breaks”, all of which are clichés that might not be worthy of a piece of elegant writing even if spelt correctly. We have also confused Briton and Britain, hanger and hangar, hordes and hoards, peeled and pealed, lightening and lightning, stationery and stationary, principal and principle, peninsula and peninsular, licence and license and, in something of a pile-up, born, borne and bourn. If you are unsure of the meanings of any of these words, look them up before proceeding further.
Many of these mistakes are caused by carelessness and not properly reading back what one has written. We have had an increasing number of literals in recent weeks, both online and in the paper, which suggests the problem is getting worse rather than better. Heads of department have a particular responsibility to ensure that their staff perform to the best professional standards in this respect. We managed to perpetrate one of the worst literals of all recently – pubic for public- which may seem a laughing matter, but is not.
Some Americanisms keep slipping in, usually when we are given agency copy to re-write and do an inadequate job on it. There is no such verb as “impacted”, and other American-style usages of nouns as verbs should be avoided (authored, gifted etc). Maneuver is not spelt that way in Britain. We do not have lawmakers: we might just about have legislators, but better still we have parliament. People do not live in their hometown; they live in their home town, or even better the place where they were born.
Sometimes we do not properly think of the sense of what we are writing. There is a marked difference between the meanings of convince and persuade that is not recognised by some of you. If you are unsure of the distinction, look the words up. We wrote that “too many bomb disposal experts” had died in Afghanistan, which prompted an angry reader to ask what an acceptable number of dead experts would have been. We wrote of “an extraordinary killing spree” and were asked, in similar fashion, what would have constituted an ordinary one. We wrote about someone’s youngest child being her first, which was obviously not the case. Be careful too of the distinction between renting a property and letting it. And readers also asked us how there could, as we reported, be an 18-month long investigation into a crime that was committed only 14 months ago. We need to ensure that our facts, like our arithmetic, add up.
There have also been some grammatical difficulties. The style book (which, in case you have lost your copy, is also online) specifies the distinction between “compared with” and “compared to”, and it may be worth examining. One of our writers began a sentence with the phrase “us single ladies” which suggests we need to brush up on our pronouns. We should always write one in four is, not one in four are, since one is inevitably singular. Bacteria is plural. Put adverbs in a sentence where they make the most logical sense, if you have to use them at all. This will never be by splitting the infinitive, but to write “to go speedily to town” will always be preferable to “to go to town speedily”, or any other such variant. It is different from, not different to. Under age, like under way, should be written as two words.
Finally, may I mention some factual matters? Ottawa is the capital of Canada. Air Chief Marshal is spelt thus; and Mark Antony thus.
With best wishes
Simon Heffer
Associate Editor
The Daily Telegraph

Here's Your Sign

Believe it or not these questions about  Canada  were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England  )

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (  USA  )

A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from  Vancouver  to   Toronto  - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (  Sweden  )

A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in  Canada  ? (  Sweden  )

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in  Canada  ?  Can you send me a list of them in  Toronto , Vancouver  ,   Edmonton  and  Halifax  ? (England  )

A: No, but you’d better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Canada  ? (  USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of  Europe    Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in  Calgary  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in  Canada  ? (  USA  )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into  Canada  ? (  England  )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (  USA  )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in  Vancouver  and in  Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in  Canada  ? (  Germany  )

A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where can I sell it in  Canada  ? (  USA  )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in  British Columbia  where the female population is smaller than the male population? (  Italy  )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in  Canada  ? (  USA  )

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in  Toronto  and is milk available all year round? ( Germany  )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in  Canada  , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (  USA  )

A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (  USA  )

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

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Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It’s so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14
Canada — it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11
Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12
More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. It’s beautiful here but I’m exhausted from shoveling. F#cking snow plough.
Dec. 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25
Merry F#cking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the f#cking ice.
Dec. 27
More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, the car’s stuck in a mountain of white crap and it is so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28
That f#cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the crap this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the crap he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f#cking head.
Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that salt they put all over the roads.
May 10
Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

…AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered..
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you? ”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started….

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

To My Darling Husband
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S Your Girlfriend called!

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THANK YOU VERY MUCH
 I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.   I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.                                                           

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channel
                         
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose (although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).   

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.                            

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  
                                                             
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
                                                       
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
                                                         
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
                                               
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.                                   

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
                           
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
             
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.                                                               
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a  number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin’ there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!  (fuckin’  morons)
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off! Signed – An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f—ing CHINA !!!