IMMA Wake up one day and think this is so lame!

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:28:00 +0000

I'm not going to reintroduce myself, I'm over that sh...! And I'm not going to lie and say I'm over the moon about being back; more blogging, more drama. I'm inviting stalkers, hurt feelings, judgment and the list goes on, but I just can't abandon my baby, or can I? So here I am, hopefully raw as ever.

So in the last year we've matured a bit, even though I thought I knew all that I could last year; "whatever!". It's been an interesting time away, nothing out of the ordinary though, a few heart breaks - pain, confrontation, illness, laughter, love, lost friends, new friends, all the happenings of life. All I have really learned is to keep my big mouth shout; "it is what it is". You could say I've been awakened in some sort of way. Hopefully I've got my priorities right "mmmm!" eg. hubby, child, mother, father, siblings, family, friends? etc. "We never have our priorities straight."

Hubby is good, although there's this odd silent secret something lingering in the air. We all know what it is but it's yet to be discussed. I should say it's been a interesting two weeks, "tension is sexy, lol" good tension that is. I have to add this little bit because I know he's going to read this, "It's hard to talk to someone who sees things in black and white, and who doesn't get excited like the normal person (just to quote hime there)". But we still love each other, and the normal is not always good, I'm thankful at times for the abnormal. Any who, I hate to talk about my marriage online, it's just weird, so I'll leave it at that.

Child - my child, Samara, the love of my life; she's a big girl now, she's even given me a nickname, "MIMA", that's when she's happy with me. She loves to love, just like the mother and she's happy. She drives me crazy at times and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Friends, we'll skip that bit, LOL, "kidding". I wish a few things could be better, but like I said earlier, "It is what it is". As you get to know your friends you know when your opinions are welcome and not welcome. To be honest most things I find petty and don't like to waste my time on negative energy. My motto is, "fix it if it's broken and MOVE ON!" Why dwell on the past or be right all the time. If you know you're right that's good, you don't need to prove it to anyone, life's too short. Oh by the way, I want new teeth. A piece of useless information there. I just wanted to prove to the males out there that women also think about random things at odd times. I have good teeth but porcelain veneers wouldn't hurt. I often daydream about what I would do with my body/life if/when I'm rich; it puts me in a good mood. AND going back to the serious stuff.

I miss my mommy, really my whole family. At these times (the depressing recession). Recession, recession, recession, I'm sick of that word, but anyway, at these times is when you want to be close to family. I'm ready. If I was offered doe, I would be on the first flight to Zimbabwe, "okay I'm starting to reason with myself right now. Stop it! Yes I would". I'd rather be poor and happy with my family, period!

Recovery was hard, I don't want to relaspe. Computer addiction is not a joke, with that said, it's time to pen off (so old fashion, pen off, where did that come from, back in the letter writing era).

Sometimes you just don't have a title and this is one of those times!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 23:44:00 +0000

I’ve finished the book, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die well like a week ago (show off). It’s so hard to finish anything when you’re a mother, wife, friend, sister, and the roles go on. I have a few friends of mine looking for me, apparently I have gone back into hibernation, Again! well that’s me, I like to hibernate. I can’t cope with too many things happening at once. It’s like my body goes into shock and all I want to do is hide away in my closet; oh well those are issues I need to deal with, just like the running away thing; you'd be glad to know that I haven’t had those thoughts of late. Anyways, I’ve started reading Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits, TD Jakes book. My husband is reading it and he’s almost done which is precisely why I need to read it. I know he’s a big fan of TD Jakes but I didn’t expect him to start READING his books. Another factor which played into my reading this book, was when he (TD Jakes) said on Dr Phil (I'm a homemaker what do you expect, I was bound to watch him) that “Marriage is for grown ups" he couldn’t have been more right. At 17 I wanted to runaway (again runaway) and get married to my hubby (that’s how long we’ve been together) I thought it would be like a mini vacation with no parents, (hallelujah) guess what, the vacation ended before it started. Look here, I love my hubby and all but marriage can be a bitch (lack of vocabulary there) and it certainly ain't for babies.

I’ve been reading early in the mornings whilst killing myself on the treadmill, and yes I’m back at the gym. I go mornings just to avoid, you know, those cute 18 years olds with perfect bodies. Those youngster don’t have the balls to wake up at 5am (right back at you), so I’ve eliminated that competition. The only problem is I’m now competing with the insomniac hardworking baby boomer's, (hell I can’t get it right, can I?) 5.45am-7.45am is the only time I have for “Me time” so that’s become my favorite time of the day and it’s been good. I feel energized, I’m not too obsessed about losing the weight like "yesterday", I think it’s the cold realization after trying numerous fad diets and knowing that I will never look like Jessica Biel (a black version of her of course) that’s done it for me. I’m Tondy and that’s good enough (I’m shaking my head right now, all that reading has gotten the best of me, I hate being so philosophical at times, STOP IT ALREADY, phew) Okay, main reason of going back to the gym is, 1) to be healthy, 2) to keep sane, 3) maybe get rid of the Asthma, and 4) losing 20 pounds will be a big bonus, (mmmm, maybe that should be the first on the list).

Since I’ve been struggling with my sanity (lack of concentration/absent mindedness) I have to tell you what happened to me a few days ago; I was in a minor car accident, minor because everyone is still alive. This is what happens when you start entertaining those little voices in your head (gosh, they can be destructive and so time consuming at times.) No I don’t need to be admitted. So, if you ask me what happened and I say “I don’t know” then honestly, I don’t know. I just remember thinking I won’t be able to brake in time. And to make matters worse a friend had asked me to pick their child from school; he was in the car with me (the kid’s still sane). Much of what I remember is giving the kid candy and feeling happy, then my mind drifted for a split second, the next thing I was exchanging insurance details and all that good stuff with some stranger. I think I was still in shock because when I finally got round to calling my hubby, I all of a sudden felt this tremendous jolt of pain on my back and in my stomach and I couldn’t breath (I know, it was my body reacting to shock). Any who that’s old now, the car is getting fixed, no one was hurt and that's what we can all hope for in an accident. It was just some not so good drama which involved me for a change. BUT good news people, “Insurance is a life saver.” A peace of advice, don’t be driving without insurance for those that feel they don’t need it, YOU DO. I know gas prices have been killing us but that $80 a month for coverage is really worth it, hell you’re spending it on lattes anyways.

Before I forget, I was going through my previous posts sometime ago (do you do that?), I hate to admit this but I noticed that I have become this, (I don’t know what to call myself) boring person I guess. Now I have this urge to do something crazy just to have something to talk about, LOL. Hell, who am I fooling, I love "my company", and I’d rather be at home with my family anyways. Who wants to be club hoping in this wet, freezing, windy Wellington? (Me, kidding! a whole lot of people I tell you!)

Trouble in Paradise!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 12:41:00 +0000

I’m scared, really I am. I feel like I’m fighting a war inside of me, I think its called anger, LOL. I’m laughing now but when it happens, I feel like I could do unimaginable things; things out of character. “NO!” you can’t kiss it better, I don’t want a hug, and I don’t want to be touched, I just want to be left alone. These highs and lows are very disturbing. I hear a voice trying to reason with me, it doesn’t understand the anger. That bloody voice is annoying, “Dammit, I just want to be human for once. I want to be allowed to be angry.”

I’ve been thinking about running away people, the reason I’m telling you, is so I don’t actually do it. Maybe Switzerland, they say it’s a bit like New Zealand. Honestly speaking I haven’t figured out the destination. I just need time, (which I never have enough of), to sit down and think of a game plan. I fantasize of this perfect world. In this world I’m curled up in bed reading, yes reading, all by myself. If I felt like it I could get up and do coffee on my own, yes by myself. Maybe visit a spa, maybe the mall, watch movies, and just laze around. Sounds like a vacation, I know, but I want a vacation on my own, on my lonesome. And just when I think I’ve ruined my day fantasizing and feeding my anger, it’s gone, just like that. I can think clearly, I can breathe, I can rationalize, and then I’m back. Ask me how I am; “I’m fine, just fine”….the machine is back, LOL.

When the "runaway syndrome" is on play, I search for ideas to see how other woman have done it in the past, (just for fun). Apparently, 50% of runaway wives eventually go home on their own or are easily found because they have failed, more or less intentionally, to cover their tracks. They say that the likely candidate is a 34 year old middle or upper-middle class woman who had married young, had a child less than two years after she married and another a year or two later. The husband is describes as a successful executive and the marriage partnership was felt to be intellectually unequal. I don’t know, it doesn’t sound me, oh well; that makes me harder to find.

Don’t psychoanalyze me; I’m barely proving that, I’m not perfect. Anywho, when a wife flees, her husband is at first apt to believe that she must have had an accident. "She would never do this on her own; I know her," he often says with absolute confidence. In fact, investigators report, husbands can usually offer few facts to help in the search for their wives. In other words, they really do not know them, which was probably a major cause of trouble all along. Which makes me wonder, “how well does my husband know me”? If anywhere, the only place that I would really want to flee to/in is my mother’s womb; “why the hell did I get out of there in the first place?”

I won’t lie to you and say I have a problematic relationship with my other half or anything like that. That’s not why I want to runaway; I’m too tired to start explaining. I think its pressure, pressure to please and not being able to say NO! And of course those underlying things that I never dealt with way back then, when I was supposed to.

Just before I started this post, I was speaking to a friend about marriage, and they asked me what I would do if I was in their situation. Trust me when I say I didn't want to answer that question because I would have said, (I know my friend Nto knows the answer to this one), "I would pack my belongings and move on", I won’t tell you what I said to the person, LOL, that’s between me and them. But we all know it’s not as simple as packing up and hitting the road, so I reverted to the internet, AGAIN! and I found this interesting article.

Why Love is not Enough…

The idea of falling in love is positively intoxicating. While it is perhaps the greatest of all “natural highs”, many of us judge the merit of love and attraction on the basis of “chemistry”. In spite of our hormones or perhaps, because of our hormones, lovers crave the tingly sensations associated with this revered state of happiness. Not surprisingly, many of us feel let down when the emotional surges begin to even out. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

Tentative Love. In the beginning, we are single, we are solo, we are alone. Like butterflies, we investigate the flowers of the field in search of possibilities. Some of us are shy, others are bold, but all of us are looking for that perfect match. In the beginning, we test out love on the basis of talk and touch. If our words connect in a way that is pleasing, we move on to touch. If the touch is pleasing, we relax just enough to let down our shields so we can examine each other’s true values. Little by little, we learn how we are alike and how we are different. Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking that we are more alike than different. Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking we are more different than alike. Sometimes, to keep from “seeming the fool”, we proceed with the relationship but secretly keep the motor running and leave one foot out of the door.

Grand Canyon Commitment. Sometimes when we pass each other’s tests and we pledge our undying loyalty to each other, we also make a commitment to remain together forever. At this point, our love begins to multiply! Our extended families become a very real part of the picture, maybe we add some children, some pets, and a mortgage, and then poof, we become citizens in a much more complicated and demanding family system. Couples who keep talking, touching and deciding things together, soon find that they can co-command any size ship from a rowboat to an aircraft carrier. However, without the talking and the touching and deciding things together, life can become as unsteady as a canoe.

Temporary Insanity. Sometimes, just when we think we have everything, our eyes can begin to play tricks. We look in the mirror but we cannot see ourselves. Of course, we have changed but if we no longer recognize ourselves, we may start to grieve for the person we used to be. If we have stopped talking and touching and deciding things together, we may feel lost and look around to see where we fit in. From this semi-connected state, it is easy to become disconnected from our primary relationship and get hijacked into a new connection through a series of small and quiet interactions with a third party.

Before we know what’s happening, a kind of brainwashing can occur, complete with its own chemistry. Like addicts to a drug, we may lie, steal and cheat in order to aid in our own abduction. Like a storm, extra-marital affairs affect everyone in their path but the real damage is done to the sacred trust we call loyalty, which lies at the very heart of the relationship. My own research suggests that love is important and it’s important to feel satisfied with love in a relationship. In the quest for marital satisfaction, however, love itself is not enough! You must also be able to trust your partner when your back is turned! In other words, to a very large extent, satisfaction in marriage depends on our satisfaction with loyalty in the relationship

Eternal Love. What a gift it is, when you’ve spent the majority of your years together, raised children, and fallen in love with your grandchildren, to still stand beside your mate, still talking, touching and deciding things together. Those who know about this sense of eternal love, have mastered the fine arts of love and loyalty, and have built their lives upon the foundation of their shared values. Those who share eternal love are natural mentors for marital satisfaction. Their love becomes an admired legacy for many generations that follow.

In a perfect world, each of us would easily find our own perfect mate. Like a truth serum, finding love would inspire us to open up and reveal our authentic selves to our beloved. In a perfect world, we would always be non-judgmental, supportive and respectful of each other during both difficult and happy seasons of our lives. In a perfect world, love would be regarded as a precious resource that should never be taken for granted. In a perfect world, neither of us would have to be perfect people; we would just naturally be perfect for each other!

Mmmm…. “I’m scratching my head there”. I think I’m experiencing temporary insanity.

It just seems I’m all over the place nowadays. How did we start on the marriage thing again, LOL? So, have you thought of escaping? Where are you in your marriage, partnership, relationship, etc?????? Food for thought people, food for thoought!

Rescures and Pleasers

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 02:38:00 +0000

Phew, the school term is over. I was really struggling this term with the never ending activities, swimming lessons, play center, coffees, etc... I don’t even know why I signed up for another term of play center, I wasn’t enjoying it. Okay, so I understand it’s for Samara but I also have to want to take her, right? I think I have a problem; I can’t say NO; whose fault? MINE! It’s time I did a thorough clean up job of my life, seriously. I’m becoming a lazy, fat bitch who’s constantly sorting other people’s problems, and never my own. SO I know my husband is going to kill me for saying this but I just have to say it (he's tired of me quoting the book). In the book I’m reading I’ve identified myself, (hey look at least I'm willing to accept the negative). This is what they say about people like me (not all of is true to me though, lol).

“Then there are the rescuers and the pleasers. These are those people, who feel they must make everything right or solve everyone’s problems, so they keep their antenna poised, always looking for people to help. They seemingly feel responsible for each person’s ills and want to have the solutions for everyone else, but are usually unable to see their own problems. Generally, the rescuer or pleaser is suffering from deep-seeded feelings of rejection (which they don’t realize). It is this type of person who often has numerous health problems.”

On the looking for people to help, I disagree. I feel people find it easier to talk to me because I listen more than I talk. The problem comes when I start putting my own two senses. I tend to be a bit brutal. Again, LOL, the book says;

“We may still recognize when someone would be happier if they chose to change, but we should also understand that it’s easier for us to allow them to change in their own way and at their own speed without our help – as we are not responsible for making that change in them.”

FULLSTOP! No more book talk in this post. So right now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life, just reflect on the things I enjoy and maybe come up with, maybe, a career, or something. I remember Mpostory (one of my readers) saying maybe the Finance stuff is not me, I don’t know, maybe? So those that know me, or think they know me through reading my blog, any suggestions?

This was a post about nothing really. I have a few issues lined up in the agenda, some home hitting topics that may get me into trouble, at the present moment as I think about them, I’m not too cared. At the end of the day, it’s my truth.

The language of Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:24:00 +0000

Of all the languages in the world, the most difficult to communicate is the language of feelings. One of our greatest challenges as human beings is to effectively communicate with other people what we truly feel. Perhaps the most significant and consequential challenge we face, is acquiring the ability to communicate congruently with ourselves.

Have you ever felt as if there was a time bomb inside you ready to explode at any second, yet you were unable to identify the source of this feeling? Have you experienced one day where an ordinary task was easy and then the next day it was an impossible, gigantic mountain to climb?

Have you ever had the feeling of being two (or more) separate individuals or of being someone totally different from yourself – wondering who the REAL you was, or where the real you had gone?

Perhaps for some unexplainable reason you have been touchy or agitated for longer periods of time than you would like – maybe even unleashing verbiage or exhibiting behavior that was unworthy of you.

Have you ever had the feeling that you were two enemies (or more) who were constantly fighting each other – as if there was a war going on inside you? Or perhaps you’ve experienced sleepless night after night for no apparent reason.

Have you ever felt no one understood you? Or, even, and perhaps worse, that you didn’t understand yourself? What causes these disquieting moments – these uncomfortable feelings and this internal conflict.

If you recognize yourself in the above examples or have experienced similar frustrations, I would suggest to you the possibility that you could be suffering from unresolved, repressed and suppressed negative feelings you thought you had taken care of – feelings you thought were dead and gone. What you may not realize is that when negative feelings are not resolved as they occur, these feelings remain very much alive in your physical energy (body) and these affect each day of your life. In other words, unresolved “FEELINGS BURIED ALIVE, NEVER DIE!”

These buried feelings are very real. They are energies in and of themselves. They are alive, living, and constantly affecting you. These buried feelings have a personality, and these feelings that have been buried alive will, of necessity, have to manifest themselves sooner or later.

Somehow, somewhere, in some aspect of your life the effect of these negative feelings WILL be realized.

In Karol K. Truman’s words, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die

I know that there are a few people going through a lot right now, myself included; people who are asking themselves questions or trying to explain and make sense of their feelings and behavior. So being the GREAT person I am, LOL, I thought I should share a few of Karol K. Truman’s words.

Samara Chiedza Ndoro is ONE!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 10:19:00 +0000

Samara is one today; wow! It's hard to imagine what my life was like before her. I have never known such joy and love than the love you give to your child, and the love they give in return. I won't say much about my mothering or about Sammy, WHY? Because it could get boring up in herrr. Not everyone enjoys hearing about other people's children. But what I will do is give a shout out to Sammy, "Have a blessed life my child."

It's winter, I'm allowed to hibernate, A reintroduction!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 01:34:00 +0000

Here I am! It's been a while, I know. I'll give you a brief synopsis; as y'all know a lot can happen within 3 months. But before I continue there's nothing like being alive again, hence the sunrise. Well, here we go!

Sometime in March I participated in a sponsored walk for cancer awareness -"relay for life". We started the walk at 4am and walked for 3 hours continuous in miserable weather and obviously pushing Samara's buggy. But let me tell you - "I felt great!" The only downfall was when I got up the next morning with my left leg in excruciating pain, AND - that's when the skiving began! I used the leg injury as an excuse to stop exercising and since then I haven't stepped into a gym. Of course the leg healed but I found more excuses - THE JOB! Tondy finally found a job, Hallelujah!

I thought maybe if I got a job I'd feel more in control of my life - that was a whole load of crap. If anything my life spiraled out of control, I couldn't recognize myself anymore; the JOB was changing me; anywho that's a topic on its own. Yah, I realize I'm pointing a lot of blame on THE job when really it was me that had the problem, yeah right I lie; that was one crappy job! Before work I had butterflies in my tummy. My hubby asked me why I was slaving away doing work that left me miserable, but I didn't want to give up, I'm not a quitter, besides how many people out there hate their job - hands up everyone!

So the world around me changed. When I did the grocery shopping even the check out lady/man pissed me off; I was a walking a ball of anger. I no longer saw people in a positive manner and as far as I was concerned everyone was evil. So that was the job, in turn going to playcenter sessions and swimming lessons with Samara was a mission - I just didn't have anymore to give.

Okay so you get it, my life was hell. Last Friday was my last day. I'm a quitter yes I know, I had to be, on the bright side I'm posting ain't I? you should give me that at least. After a few therapy lessons with my brother we both agreed I was suffering from self sabotage, LOL. I recently ordered "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol K. Truman. I haven't started reading it yet...but y'all know I'll tell you all about it if its any good.

We are slowly getting Tondy back, the only thing is I have taken a new role as a counselor. I never thought my input in peoples matters ever mattered, I guess I was wrong. Don't get it confused people, I'm not Dr Philling people, I'm simply listening most of the time, we'll talk about that in later posts, right now I'm simply reintroducing myself. The negative about my new job is I feel 50 all the time, I'm 27, and talking about age, I turned 27 and I didn't even blog about that horrid day, dammit! Anywho Samara is one tomorrow, Hallelujah, presents are welcome, LOL.

Now on the positives, Samara started crawling, then she stood, and then she walked around coffee table. She took her first steps, now she's running, all in 3months - such small pleasures. Before I end the reintroduction I feel I need to thank a few people for nudging here and there to see if I was still alive. Firstly, Natural, one of the nicest bloggers I know, and Louise, my financial and professional advisor. Oh Taka, don't think I haven't been reading your blog, I know you went on a drinking binge sometime ago, I thought we had discussed that, LOL. Last but not least my anonymous friends, LMAO, that have bookmarked my blog and have demanded I write something or else they were going to blacklist me, a wink to them, and of course my Hubby - my number one supporter.

For hibernation's sake, it's winter here in the southern hemisphere, you'll have to forgive me when the next post is in three months, LOL.

In the Cold I lay!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 04:52:00 +0000

5.03a.m. and I’m up, not by choice – it’s one of my nightmares. In this dream I’m in an office, I’m thinking it’s a consulate office because it has a booth and I’m being interviewed. Behind me is a middle aged woman carrying a baby on her back. Her forehead is covered in worry marks. She’s of slim built and has tough looking skin, the kind that African rural woman have. I notice she’s not wearing shoes. She is not exactly the type you’d find in such a place; "a consulate office? - she’s too poor", but I ignore my conceited thought; she’s there for a reason. Here I am waiting anxiously, my dad beside me, just like the first time I got a United States Visa only that this time he’s holding my Sammy. We are almost done with the interview, the interviewer request for the last document, so I slide beside the counter and I bend down to search my handbag. My mobile phone and all the other documents are spread all over the counter. My intuition is telling me not to be so careless, that that woman behind could steal something; I ignore that thought, I’m being too hard on the lady, after all it’s not a crime to be poor. I’m wrong; as soon as I move off the counter the woman moves in and discretely covers my mobile phone with the palm of her hand and acts like the phone is hers. I look straight into her eyes and ask her what she’s doing. She looks innocently back at me and politely says, “Why? Madam, this is my phone.” I feel the anger building. I try to grab the phone from her but she doesn’t budge, mind you all this is happening in front of an audience. I manage to force the front of the phone right in her face so she can see my Sammy starring back at her, and I then I ask her if the picture on the phone resembles her child? I’m now hysterical; I hate confrontation. The person I am today would have just left her with the phone but its Tondy before. So I ran outside, screaming that I’m coming back with the authorities and that their going to beat her to her grave (T.I.A., This Is Africa, thieves are beaten before they're jailed) so I imagine in my dream, I’m back in Zimbabwe.

It is pitch black outside as I blindly run in search of some officers; the light in the office keeps getting further and further. Before I know it I’m surrounded by small houses, I must been in the locations (very low density areas). There, in the darkness is a tall slender silhouette, the frame’s of a male riding a bike; a black horse (brand name of a Zimbabwean bike). As he rides past me he mentions that a girl was raped the night before and that I should be careful, besides what is a young woman like myself doing outside at this time of the night. I try to explain but I’m too flustered (very trusting I know; it happens in dreams). I hastily say that I’m looking for a police officer. He says he works in security, “Uhuh that explains the navy overalls with the yellow embroider writing,” security guards in Zimbabwe used to wear that uniform. In my ignorance I invite the guard to join me in my quest; as I run, he rides. I’m approaching the same consulate office I came from, (I’m confused) the only difference is that instead of the one light from the consulate office there are two lights in the distance. “I must be running in circles.” A few feet from the two offices the man abruptly stops and asks me if I started running from this spot and I answer, "yes". He then calmly says, “Then this is where I’ll rape you!”

With that, he grabs me with such force and pins me down; my poor head is buried in the dust. As I wrestle I try to call out for my father but no words come out, the best I manage is a faint shriek. I can feel the grainy sand in my fingernails as I dig my fingers in the ground – I’m trying to lift myself up. I can see four police officers in one of the offices and my father holding my Sammy in another. He turns me so I can face him and I see the devil; I know him, a young man in my youth – he used to work for my father. “How can my father see me like this? I have to get away; I just have to try – the shame.” I punch, I kick, I bite, I squirm and wriggle my way out (you’re as powerful as you like in dreams). The next thing I remember - I’m collapsed in front of the four officers. “The devil has many faces they say” – In my shame I struggle to tell my story but all they do is laugh; the harder I try the more they laugh – “I’m there’s”. In the dark I lay, next door is my father and daughter. “Should I fight and call out for him? They’ll kill him” - what it would do to a father to see his daughter in such vulnerability? “Should I die? And my daughter?” How can I let her grow up without a mother?

For a phone lays my fate; this is what has come of my motherland, such lawlessness. I concluded my dream with one word – hopelessness.

It got me thinking?

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 00:06:00 +0000

I'm trying to rearrange my thoughts as it is, I'm a little confused about what happened yesterday. Something about an attempt on a conversation made me regress into my little cocoon (so my mum calls it). I got another reminder not to get too get carried away and think my friends are who I think they really are. I respect that there some so called loyal people out there but when this loyalty which I think is being used in the wrong context and meant as secrecy starts hurting (for a lack of better words) other people then a readjustment is much needed; a point put across should not appear malicious. I think the real issue here is being lied to or pushed aside/dismissed for reasons beyond my control, age? or could it be that I'm not trustworthy? Truthfully speaking, I don't know? But here's how I felt and wished I had said:-

"If I ask you what you were doing and you give me a bogus story and I later find out that you where somewhere else and with a different person from who you originally said you were with then that puts a question mark on where we lie in this friendship. Why the need to fabricate? I'm mature enough not to ask questions about your happenings, besides I don't care. And then to dismiss the conversation when it is brought up because you're being, loyal? Question - who are you loyal to , and where does our loyalty lie? What is loyalty? Loyalty should be proven by your behavior/actions and not because you say so, RIGHT? Who you meet, why you meet and where you meet is none of my business so no need to be so defensive. Now look at how you've left me feeling."

All this has led me to think that I'm being a bit of a coward? What's stoping me from confronting this person? Am I really the friend that I say I am? And If I am the friend that I say I am then I should air my concerns? Am I getting soft, or could it be that I've matured enough to find other ways of putting my point across? Have I been ass kissing a few people and making them feel a little more important than they really are? Mmmmm Interesting, some food for thought.

Missy Mislead!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 10:06:00 +0000

I have a friend, or should I say an acquaintance now, that I've been mad at for a while. I've wanted to tell y'all about her but the whole story just makes me tired. In most situations I'd be the first to offer a helping hand (to her) but this time time I've washed my hands (meaning I've given up). Missy we'll call her, has annoyed me right to the core. It's hard to make sense out of all this mess, but imma try anyways.

I met Missy in 2005, a nice beautiful independent young woman (so I thought). She seemed to have a good life of her own; a job, friends, mentally balanced and focused. On the outside looking in, she seemed like quite a catch, and trust me, Missy was looking and liking. So, I wondered why such a beautiful girl wasn't getting hitched. Being the person I am, I took Missy under my wing, LOL. I thought with a bit of fine tuning here and there I was going to get Missy a somebody special.

In no time Missy and I had become good friends. We'd go shopping together, have dinner, watch movies, have some very wild nights out in the town, etc, etc, you get the gist. I had my own problems back then which explained my craziness. The more time I spent with Missy the more I found little things that annoyed me about her (in a way), but I continued to make excuses for her. It's bound to happen that in a friendship you won't always like each, but this was different -Missy was painfully annoying and annoying is just damn annoying.

Missy's story - Missy's mother hadn't been the best of mother. It was the classic boy is deployed to Asia. Boy meets a young beautiful Asian woman, gets her pregnant, returns home to his wife, and forgets about her (tries); "that's war!" And Missy was the result of such a union. Missy's mother later married a Caucasian man, got out of Asia and lived. Missy told me once how her mother used to put her down, and all (some poignant stories) and no I don't think she was trying to be the victim. It didn't sound or look like the kind of stories that she shared with a lot of people, in turn it made me more driven to protect our bond. Once she asked me if I could help her find her father. I got as far as a number and address. She never called, but I understood. What do you say? I wish her father had looked for her though. She later told me her mother had told her that her father got mentally ill during the war, so even if she tries to look for him he wouldn't know who she is. Sad, I know. Now I feel bad.

The little things that started getting annoying about Missy - I have to put these in point form in case I forget some vital annoyances.

Missy spoke highly of herself, ALL THE TIME. She liked an audience. You know, those kind of people that think their prettier than most people, the ones that think all the men are after them, yap, she was one of those.
She started to buy everything I picked. If we went shopping and I saw a top or something I liked, she wanted it too. At first it was fluttering but as it progressed it just became extremely irritating (come on now, get your own identity). Once we went shopping and I bought these pants. She didn't seem very interested in them that's why I bought them (so I thought), only to find out that come Monday morning Missy was flaunting those same pants at work. See Missy worked with me hubby and when lunch time came I was met with, "You know those pants you bought on Thursday?" Ya. "Well Missy was wearing them today." Are you serious? "Yap". What the hell! (I was on fire mad)
Missy and I went to watch a movie and she laughed through out the movie. What was funny, I don't know? But it soon became apparent that Missy didn't understand most of what was going on in the movie. (I'm shaking my head). She laughed when she thought she was meant to. There comes a time when our parents or grandparents feel the need for us to explain every scene of a movie to them, yah? Picture me doing the same thing to an English speaking 20 something. After a few movies I learnt my lesson - I was wasting my time paying to watch a movie and not enjoy it because of some irritating giggles and in the end having to narrate it to the very person I was watching it with.
Because Missy didn't have a man, she thought I shouldn't, well in a way. When I mentioned I wanted to do something with my hubby, I could tell she would get annoyed. "For crying out loud what was a meant to do, dump my hubby." But I'm sure you have come across that type? The type that want you all to themselves. What really annoyed me was when she got too comfortable with me or could it have been just her ignorance, she started dropping a few discourteous remarks here and there about my hubby, how he had a little attitude problem. Asking me how I coped, etc. Missy had crossed the line and was starting to get under my skin.
I'll give you one more point then I'll move on. Since Missy was a professional in all she did, she felt the need to give me relationship advice; "what they hell?" I thought I was the one taking her under my wing. And Really the only real relationship she had had was when she was 18; the guy cheated on her and moved on. But of course he still wanted her, yah, yah, yah. Because of that Missy was an expert in cheating men.

Thus you may ask why I felt the need to stay in such a friendship when she annoyed the hell out of me. Well, I'm not the kind of person that bails out on people. I like to give them the benefit of the doubt and give them time to readjust their behavior until they know what I'm all about. Unfortunately Missy didn't readjust her behavior, it only got worse.

The last stroll was when Missy and another friend of mine wanted the same man, we'll call my other friend Hyper and the dude, Roger. Roger had gotten too friendly with Hyper, and when Missy found this out instead of just letting it go since no one knew she was interested in the guy, she felt the need to talk bad about Hyper; how Hyper had kissed Roger to spite her, and so on; "very petty really". The Roger thing went on for months, and in those months Roger still didn't know who Missy was. Missy would say things like I'm going to write Roger a letter. I mean who does that in this day age? unless you're like, in high school? How the Roger thing ended I don't know because I realized what I was dealing with, a still maturing teen brain to put it more politely. And so I did what most of people would do having been in the same situation; I discretely disappeared.

Missy's story is quite long and I haven't even began to tell you what rattled me up so much to trigger this post. It all gives me a headache, so I'll continue another time. I've put a personal note as a reminder to start with Missy finding men on social networks and sleeping with them. I'm no monster people; I really tried with this girl. Was I wrong to go my own merry way?

Crazy 8's

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 10:35:00 +0000

Natural, I know it has taken me a week to respond to your tag. It wasn't ever far from my mind that's why a week later, here I am???? For those that don't know, Natural tagged me - her reason, because "I'm fire". Don't you just love that? Oh well, I do.

8 Things I Am Passionate About

My family (Mom, Dad, sisters and brother) - because they are always there no matter what. Ain't I lucky?
Hubby - for loving me the times he wished he didn't
Samara - my sunrise, the reason I wake up in the morning
Life - for kicking me in the butt and teaching me new ways to live
Education - In any form. I believe that we should all seek knowledge of some sort
Food - there's a story in every dish served
Friends - because they are sooner lost than found
I know this is family but I just had to segregate; My mother - for molding me in the woman I am today and making light of the darkest of situations.

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

Japan here I come. Travel around the world except for two countries?
Write a personal letter to my family, one of the things I'll tell them is not to moan but to remember the good times
Pray, and ask for forgiveness. I believe there is a heaven and hell out there, I really do.
To fall in love with my hubby again, not that I'm not in love, I mean the giddy kinda love
Build my parents a Mansion
Find a crazy way of getting my "15 minutes of fame"
Pose naked for art, WOW (I'd do that?) Hey I'm dying
My last few days I'd watch the sun rise and set and I'd talk, I would just talk.

8 Things I Say Often

Baby
Really
That's interesting
I'm so tired
Whatever
I can't believe
Yes
I love you

8 Books I Have Read Recently

The Measure of a Man (a memoir) - Sydney Poitier
For One More Day - Mitch Albom
What I didn't learn from school but wish I had - Jamie McIntyre (Thanks Ange)
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
Night - Elie Wiesel
Animal Farm - George Orwell (for the umpteenth time)
A Million Little Pieces - James Fray

8 Songs I Could Listen To Over and Over

Don't Dream it's Over - Crowded House
Lover's Rock - Sade
What Goes Around - Justin Timberlake
Home - Michael Buble
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer
Thriller - Michael Jackson
Ordinary People - John Legend

8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends

Loyalty
Honesty
Balance - level headed
We laugh, we laugh for ages
Acceptance and appreciation on our differences
Being able to say, "I'm sorry"
There's no limit, everything goes
Being able to forgive each other

8 People Who Should Do Crazy 8’s

Gerri - because I have a crazy crush on him
Sebastian - I want to find out if he's still reading my blog
Marrisa - Just to see if she'll do a meme
You, yes you!
Louise - Because she's an angel
Ange - Also to see if she'll do a meme
Keala - She makes me laugh
Rainyz - I want to know more about her

I NEED MORE TIME! I'm job hunting!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 08:00:00 +0000

Tondy has decided to get a job. It's proven to be one of the more difficult task in my young life, luckily I have Louise helping me; my guardian angel pretty much. It's so true what Louise says about most job applicants, that if you don't put 100% in what you do e.i. tweaking your resume and cover letters to match the job you want, then you should expect less than 100% back (same goes to life). I'll be the first to admit that in the past I have sent the same resume and cover letter to all the jobs I applied for, it didn't matter to me whether the skills I had matched with the ones they were looking for. And then I'd sit at home after submitting crap that I honestly believed was high quality stuff, wondering why I wasn't getting any calls back. Really, I feel silly for thinking I was smarter than all those recruiters, that they would see past the lack of effort in my job applications.

Any who, I have decided to take a short break, catch up with some laundry and baking - yes, the baking is back, and no, I'm not running from anything this time; I happen to think my baking is top notch and I was craving it. Going back to the matter at hand; yesterday I was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. There is so much I realized I could have done in my absence in the 9 - 5 arena, like I could have done some volunteer work to gain experience, taken a few computer classes here and there. Now I want all those things, and now - I want the experience, I want to be an expert in ORACLE, SAP, you name it. A little comfort here - It's not like I was siting on my behind in my absence (in the 9 - 5), I was being productive, yes I was. I was raising a child, keeping house and making my hubby happy (at times), LOL?

The thing is (there always has to be something with me), I need more time. I want to job hunt, yes, I want to keep making my hubby and Samara happy, I want to go the gym, I want to have coffee with my friends, I want to keep the house in presentable form, swimming, play center, emails, phone calls, family, making everyone happy, finding childcare, reading and commenting on my favorite blogs, posting on my blog, and the list goes on. I don't have enough time! I'm even getting a head ache thinking about it. BUT, BIG BUT, if it wasn't for Louise, I would be clueless, thank you Louise. If you happen to be in the same position as I'm in and you're wanting to get back into the swing of things, like start a new career or something, and don't know where to begin, have a date with Louise, she has some good pointers on how to win in the job hunting arena and it's all nicely presented, (a nice, quick, useful, interesting read).

I know, I might be overdramatizing the job hunt thing, so maybe I needed more sleep last night? Nevertheless everything is almost coming together, so I'll keep you posted. You never know, maybe in the next few months all my posts would be of how much I hate my boss and work, LOL - hopefully not.

The positive in all this is that I have a new perspective on the world and people; the world and people are not that bad actually. I have been surprised by the amount of people that have offered to help me in my quest, with referees, valuable pointers here and there about interviewing, employment agencies, where to begin and the list goes on. So to those people (they might not want their names paraded on the Internet so I won't disclose any unnecessary information), what was I saying again? Yes, to those people, thank you. And if you have some useful pointers or want to share your experiences, please don't be shy.

As the Tide Got Rougher!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 09:47:00 +0000

Once in a while I get haunted by my past which is a sobering fact most of the time, and today was no exception. When I was pregnant, I would bake to runaway - seeing the fruits of my labor just made the world of a difference. Now that my body has healed (okay it's 75% through) I can now clean to runaway and so today I did a lot of cleaning.

Natural did a meme "five little bits meme" to be exact, and I don't know why but I can't seem to shake of the dream part of it. Could it be because I'm starting to believe my dreams really mean something? She talked about being able to control her dreams, well maybe change the outcome of them; I believe I can too, but I've concluded it to be me being half asleep.

I dream I'm being chased most of the time. So being the curious person I am I googled "meanings of dreams" to find out what my dreams meant and this is what one site said - To be chased within dreams can signify that you feel you are trapped or running away from fears, memories, people or other aspects of your life. So so true! I know I'm running and until I'm honest...I'll forever be running. That's a post on it's own and besides I'm not ready to share.

January 2005, I dreamt I was some where, I don't know where but I was surrounded by water. There was a waterfall somewhere to my right and I was feeling really happy, which is weird because I hate being surrounded by water...(it's suffocating). Okay, so I was very happy playing and all until I found myself in the middle of the ocean, dam, river, whatever you want to name it, all I know is, it was deep and horrifying? The water was getting rougher and rougher by the minute, and I was imagining all these things, being eaten alive by sharks, all the dreadful things that can happen to you in water. A distance away I saw a bit of land so I started to swim. I swam for like forever, and just when I was about to reach land the tides got even rougher but I saw my hubby and I knew he would save me. I called his name, extended my hand so he could pull me out, and yes he saw me but he kept walking, WOW? I was heartbroken, I was weak, I wanted to die but I fought my way out. So now I was in this rain forest, lost, but from a distance I could hear my hubby and he wasn't alone, then I caught a glimpse???? (to awful to remember).

Anyways to cut the dream short.....I ended the dream the way I wanted it to end - I found my way out. I never forgot that dream????? for a few reasons I won't mention. So time and time again I remember 2005 and I clean like a mad woman. Again I googled "water dreams mean?" and this is what it said - "Dreams of the ocean can have several different meanings. Ocean tides are controlled by the moon--a symbol of intuition and the unconscious--and dreams of oceans are often symbolic of the same. The action of the sea can tell you more--turbulent seas may indicate emotional upset or deep, uncomfortable stirrings in the unconscious. Calm, rhythmic seas may be symbols of a relaxed state of being, of being in touch with your intuition, or of being in harmony with the Universe. Dreams of oceans can also indicate a deep emotional longing." I got out what I wanted from the interpretation which is the word"Intuition!"

You should never underestimate your intuition (gut feeling) but yet so many of us do. When Samara was born - I didn't have my mother or anyone to tell me what to do or help me, I just went with my gut. Yes I know it comes naturally, this motherhood thing. The thing is I have never been more correct about the vibes I get, my gut hasn't let me down. I'm starting to ramble about nothing here. Advice from a girl/woman to anther girl/woman/man go with your gut.

Phew, that was some good therapy right there. I know, you may not understand what I was going on about, but I do. For those that do, you dig? I think tomorrow I'll change the music, clean a little less and just enjoy life.....after all, it will be Saturday here....wine time (I'm kidding)!

Have a great one my peoples.

Awesome Weekend!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 10:43:00 +0000

I have so many things going on nowadays, things I want to tell y'all but the problem is I get overwhelmed and then I get a brain freeze. I'm finding it hard to just process the information and get it on paper, well on my blog in this case.

So Tondy had one of the best weekends ever. I went to Napier for a party. Napier is about 300 - 400km about 190 - 250miles out of Wellington, and don't ask why I traveled such a great distance for a party, I'm still figuring that out. Anyways this party was a bomb. Everyone had to dress in Safari gear; I spent all Friday shopping for something Safari, good thing I didn't end up buying this one top I wanted because it turned out 5 other girls were wearing it (phew). Back to the party, I'm sure you've been to those party's were people look at what you're wearing and doing, etc, basically judging you and trying to find an excuse to hate on you....there was none of that there, unless I was too wasted to see (I doubt it). Everyone got along, by the end of the night we were all friends (Alcohol is great). I even danced, my hubby said he had missed that side of me, makes me wonder what the other side is like, LOL.

This weekend taught me one thing though, that with the right people anything is fun. I love my friends to bits and we had fun fun fun! The music was lovely, got a picture taken with one of the upcoming young singers in New Zealand and yes I'm promoting him, he's a good singer (the guy in the phot up top, yap that one). Can't complain about Sunday either, the road trip was good for recapturing the night before. The thing about getting intoxicated is that the next day you have terrible mood swings (does that happen to anyone) or is it just moi. One minute I was loving my hubby the next I couldn't stand him, at least this time I didn't catch anyone eyeing????? I take that back. I'm sure the wives that were left at home would want to know what their hubby's were doing? (kidding!) I don't do that people. I believe in karma, if you are doing something you're not suppose to it will bite you in the ass regardless; like the guy who was practising some road rage on me today, "you're going to get it man." (that was mellow version, I'll keep it that way because in my head right now, I'm seeing blood).

My people that find my life interesting I'm going to give you an extra something today - Photo's of me. I know this is risky since I know some of you would like to imagine what I look like? SORRY! I'm not a Beyonce or anything, I'm just the average girl next door. Hey hey hey that could be fun too.

Oh yah, a little disclaimer. If you find what I write boring or you find yourself getting angry because you think I'm talking about you, why the hell do you keep reading what I write then? This is my blog, "MY" blog and its personal! I don't filter only when its necessary. Understood? Good!

123 Meme Game!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 11:35:00 +0000

I've been tagged yey, my first tag. This is just a bit of fun. I was tagged by Sebastian and I am carrying on the trend.

The 123 Rules:

1. Pick up the book nearest you with at least 123 pages. (No cheating!)

2. Turn to page 123.

3. Count the first five sentences.

4. Post the next three sentences in the comments section of this blog and on your site.

5. Tag five other bloggers.Copy and paste this post from this site to your site with your addition.

Since I, Tondy (http://www.tondie.blogspot.com/), have now been tagged by Sebastian here is my addition

Dear Nikki

I'm sorry you got dumped. Can't say I didn't see it coming, but now's not the time to gloat. What you need to do immediately is turn down the psychotic. Calling him incessantly and holding his stuff ransom is really no way to win a man back. In fact that's the best way to elicit the "What did I ever see in that psycho bitch?" response. ("he's just not that into you" - Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo)

This is who I'm tagging:

Natural - Thinking Out Loud

Keala - From Lifetime Drama to Lifetime Comedy Central

Marrisa - Dawes Family in New Zealand

Brain - That's Right I Said It

Louise - My Journey to Eliminate Debt

A lot about nothing?

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:52:00 +0000

I think my luck has run out or maybe I’m just having a bad week. Today I lost a $100, I don’t know where it disappeared to? Unless, the bank teller stole it (Do bank machines miscount at times?). I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my Valentines Day but Imma be a bitch like that and tell you anyways (you can tell I’m in a bad mood). Dinner was great the rest thumbs down; let’s say one of my worst Valentines Day from the time I knew Valentines Day existed. I’m thinking next year Imma definitely join the “lets kill V-DAY crew”.

On a lighter note I spent Saturday drinking myself to a stupor. Forget the Sauvignon Blanc; gin was my drink of choice. And let me tell you, "best therapy yet". What was an innocent visit to a friend’s house turned out to be a drunken slumber party. Nevertheless I have no complaints. I’ll side track a bit here and ask, “How does Kim Cattrall keep that divine body?” Going back to the matter at hand, I haven’t been the same since Saturday. I was sitting outside enjoying the sun and nursing my hangover when I caught someone looking, LOOKING AT???? (If you know what I mean). I’m still getting over it; I’m pissed! Since I’m still not over it I won’t continue with the story. I will mention it discretely on another post, and don’t think I’ll forget.

In my drunken stupor I started to think about all those people that have screwed me over, don’t ask me why because I don’t know. My so called friends that have given me bad advice then left me for dead, and now “look who’s crying too”? By the way I hate people that talk about people behind their backs and expect me to stop talking to the person they’re talking about – “What am I, in middle school?” I’m loyal to no gossiper! I won’t be one of those that claim not to gossip; I gossip, everyone gossips but I don’t go blacklisting people just because someone said so.

Today it was confirmed that everyone has their own best interest on hand. If a job needs to be done and it’s your work, do it! Don’t believe that some guardian angle will do it for you (you’re on your own buddy).

On a happier note, “I’M FREE!” I can finally walk around naked in my house. For the past two and a half months I’ve felt confined…long story, don’t ask. Hopefully I will be able to post more regularly since my mind will be clearer; just give me this week to adjust, I need to get organized.

OMG, I’m watching Family forensics and if you ever watched it, you know it’s a series where forensics experts examine the homes of families to determine characteristics of the family and their living habits. They read your personal journals, take hair samples, fingerprints and the likes. It’s a guarantee if you’re hiding something, it will be found. Now who likes their lives being invaded? Certainly not me! YES, there a things that should never be let out of the closet. I’m a firm believer of, “Let laying dogs lie.”

I stumbled upon this the other day and I have decided to make it my daily anthem. Of course I’m inclined to share it with you. If you’ve read it before, take it as a reminder.

Believe...

I believe-

that we don't have to change friends

if we understand that friends change.

I believe-

that no matter how good a friend is,

they're going to hurt you every

once in a while and you must forgive

them for that.

I believe-

that true friendship continues to grow,

even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I believe-

that you can do something in an instant

that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-

that it's taking me a long time

to become the person I want to be.

I believe-

that you should always leave loved ones

with loving words. It may be the last

time you see them.

I believe-

that you can keep going

long after you can't.

I believe-

that we are responsible for what we do,

no matter how we feel.

I believe-

that either you control your attitude

or it controls you.

I believe-

that regardless of how hot and

steamy a relationship is at first,

the passion fades and there had

better be something else to take

its place.

I believe-

that heroes are the people

who do what has to be done when it needs to be done,

regardless of the consequences.

I believe-

that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-

that my best friend and I can do anything

or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-

that sometimes the people you expect

to kick you when you're down,

will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-

that sometimes when I'm angry

I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me

the right to be cruel.

I believe-

that just because someone doesn't love

you the way you want them to doesn't

mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-

that maturity has more to do with

what types of experiences you've had

and what you've learned from them

and less to do with how many

birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-

that it isn't always enough to be

forgiven by others. Sometimes you

have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-

that no matter how bad your heart is broken

the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-

that our background and circumstances

may have influenced who we are, but we are

responsible for who we become.

I believe-

that just because two people argue,

it doesn't mean they don't love each other

And just because they don't argue,

it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-

that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a

secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe-

that two people can look at the exact

same thing and see something totally.

different.

I believe-

that your life can be changed in a matter of

hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-

that even when you think you have no more

to give, when a friend cries out to you

you will find the strength to help.

I believe-

that credentials on the wall

do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-

that the people you care about most in life

are taken from you too soon.

Tired killed my inner cupid!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 11:14:00 +0000

Tomorrow is valentines, “BIG WOW!” so I discovered. After Sammy’s swimming class, "oh by the way which totally killed me; we had to squat the whole time to keep the babies in the water hence 'Jelly legs'. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t killed myself in the combat class yesterday (again my quest for improvement)". Anyways, after the class a few of the suburbia queens and I went for coffee. In attempt to move from talking about our babies (we are all first time mums, so you can imagine how many times we’ve heard each others birth stories) I asked about valentines day plans. Here are some of the answers I got:

“We don’t celebrate valentines day anymore.”
“If I reminded my husband, he’d probably ask me if valentines day is in the budget”
“Umm, can’t remember the last time I got anything for valnetines, maybe we’ve celebrated Valentines Day like umm, twice?”
"So do you and your husband still talk?"

I was shocked. I’m going to be totally honest and say – “I thought white people kept up with these things?” so much for my narrow mindedness. Notion confirmed – All marriages need work, do not descriminate!

I love to celebrate love, anything really, besides my own birthday. If I could, I'd send y’all a valentines day card, (maybe that’s a bit extreme anyways, you get the gist? "any excuse to celebrate) This year is different though. Again I’ll be honest with you – I’m starting to feel like my suburbia queens, “I can’t be bothered!” The other day I was complaining about being tired, maybe that’s the problem (note: get iron levels checked?) UMMMM unless if (Big IF), I’m ....(it's coming, drum roll) PREGNANT? (I shouldn’t joke like that) LOL, i'm not.

The thing is, I just don’t feel like making a fuss about anything. Take today as an example; I could have spent all day planning tomorrow, but Nah, instead I took an afternoon nap (something that I don’t usually do). Is that what happens when you have kids, you survive and stop living? It’s either I’m refusing to acknowledge that I’m sick, since a few of us here are under the weather or I’m experiencing a mental / emotional breakdown?

I was going to carry on and talk about all my friends that are looking for love and so forth, but again, “I can’t be bothered.” I have a funny feeling if I continue I might leave a few of you feeling blue; maybe this tired thing is getting in the way of, lets see - um, MY LIFE! To the optimists (I won’t disappoint), we have dinner reservations made at a fancy Vietnamese restaurant with some very good friends tomorrow. And if, a big IF, I’m a good little girl, I might just get SOME? (Don’t be naughty) I meant, “I might just get some flowers” LOL!

Happy Happy Happy Valentines Day people! And mum, dad, I love you!

Insecurity got the best of me!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 21:22:00 +0000

The thing is I’ve been angry; angry about quite a few things, and this anger has led to all sorts, e.g. neglecting my blog, moping around at home feeling fat and useless, and worst of all operating on autopilot (ask me what I did last week, yap that’s right, ‘NO IDEA’!). Imma give you a few examples of this anger and you be the judge. So the other day someone made the most absurd comment about the books I read (very touchy area I tell you). It opened up the inner fire in me. In my anger I started journaling, mind you I walked away from the situation like nothing happened, (that’s coming from years of experience, after many “I wish I hadn’t said that” encounters). So after releasing all that negativity I still woke up angry (I have a problem, I know). I was planning on exposing this person, and my idea of exposure is discreetly mentioning it on my blog, “gosh who am I kidding, I was going to eat this person alive! I’m embarrassed to say I wrote the nastiest things in my journal (note to self, shred the entry). At least that was one epsiode well handled.

The other example, well (a little hesitation here), I’m mad at the women at my play center for looking cute – “there I said it”. For crying out loud, they are supposed to be tired like me! In my defense, the hustle and bustle of the term has began, swimming classes, going to play center groups, coffee with other mothers and so forth, I’m supposed to be tired (yah and ask me how old I am). So anyways, I found myself staring, staring at the shiny hair, the glowing faces with the freshly applied make-up. I’m sure you’ve watched “The Stepford Wives” so you know exactly what I’m talking about. Damn Destiny’s Child for singing “Cater 2 U”

“I Promise You (Promise You)

I'll Keep Myself Up (Oh)

Remain The Same Chick (Yeah)

You Fell In Love With (Yeah)

I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right

I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits

When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over

Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)

If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy

All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy”

Yah right! What does Beyonce know about being a mother? As you may very well see, the angry feelings are still there.

The third example – On my way back from the play center (mind you the whole way back I was thinking of improvements, and how the hell those women do it) so I decide to go to the gym – “a nice hour long spinning class would set me right”. Bear in mind I was late for the class so I avoided, you know, stealing eyes to see who was in the class. So here I was breaking a sweat, when I catch from the corner of my eye, “That Woman”! That woman with the nice skin, the perfect tan, perkiest boobs, and lets not forget to mention wearing the almost naked outfit on her perfect body. And the audacity to be in the very class I’m in, and on this day in particular. This is the second time this has happened to me. Last week it was the 18 year old putting “US” to shame in the Body Attack class. “Light Bulb”! I'm in some kind of denial about this age thing? It’s easy to say “I don’t believe in diets” when you’re like what – 5’9 and 110 pounds. I say that because a few months ago it was me going on about, "you should love the way you look" why? because I was breastfeeding and the weight was just melting off. Now ask me again if I still feel like that?

Gone are the days when I used to drink vitamin E, bathe in sea weed salts, when Saturday was for pampering– facials, manicures and pedicures. I’m a mother now (yah whatever, who am I kidding) What I need is a makeover, you one of those that “Jenny Jones” used to give, LOL. Nah it’s time management I need, that’s the word, “time management”. Oprah wasn’t lying when she said, “if you wanna keep your man from straying, you gotta start looking like the other woman, take care of yourself girl!” And the other day here I was preaching to a friend about this time management thing, now ask me what I was wearing and doing at the time; It was noon, I was in my PJ’s, wearing a Don King hairstyle, feeding Samara, and the house was looking like a dumpster. I’m sure she just rolled her eyes at me and said, "Practice what you preach, woman!"

Here’s my conclusion – some major change is needed. I need an identity, besides being someone’s wife and Samara’s mother. Yap, insecurity has gotten the better of me. The thing is, I’m aware now. I’m not taking my looks and the gym for granted anymore. And today after taking my fish oil (it puts me in a good mood) Imma put that make up on, and Imma look right! "To know and not to do is not to know" Ask me tomorrow about the improved "Tondy" and hold me accountable if there're no changes.

The ABC’s of Tondy!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 22:08:00 +0000

Okay people, I know I’ve been absent in the blogging game for some time. Natural suggested I do a meme, turned out to be the best advice I got to reintroduce myself. So here goes.

The Abc's of Moi!
A - Age: 26 "Don't judge"

B - Band listening to right now: UB40, I’m watching them on ‘Today’ (Australian morning TV show) they remind me of my childhood.
C - Career future: If I knew I’d tell you, I have a few prospects though – this could be a post on its own, but right now I’m happy being Samara’s mommy.

D - Dad’s name: Kennedy Godwin. The funny thing is I always imagined using one of his names as a last name – my name would sound sophisticated like that. I could be a Tondy Kennedy or a Tondy Godwin. Mmmm... If my hubby doesn’t mind, might consider the change.

E - Easiest person to talk to: My mother, she’s nonjudgmental (after all, she is my mum). I think 10 000 things in a minute, I try to say them all at once and I end up talking gibberish. She still manages to understand what I’m saying. I was once told that I don’t make sense by someone close – it hurt my feelings.
F - Favorite type of shoe: Flats, I can’t walk in high heels for the life of me. Besides I’m privileged with height, I don’t like to show off.

G – Grapes or Grapefruit: Grapes of course. Since when was wine made from grapefruit.

H – Hometown: Harare, Zimbabwe. For those who understand, “kumusha ndekwaMutare”, (that's not fair). It means, my heritage is in Mutare.
I – Instrumental talent: That hurts, none. I’ve always dreamed of playing the piano – one day people, one day.
J – Juice of choice: Welch’s white grape juice. There’s something about the way it tastes at the “Olive garden”. The red grape juice, tastes nicer in church – don’t go to church hungry.

K – Koala Bear or Panda Bear: You mean a “Bush Baby”? Koala for obvious reasons – “Big is Good!”

L - Longest car ride ever: Most recent would be Harare to Beitbridge last year (a border town in Zimbabwe. Borders Zimbabwe and South Africa). It was long, dusty and hot. For those that know me, I don’t do long car rides.

M – Middle name: None, maybe you could tell me what it feels like to have a middle name?

N - Number of jobs you’ve had: About 8, none worth mentioning.
O - OCD traits: You should have asked me this when I was pregnant. I bleached everything and I bathed in dettol.

P - Phobia[s]: Spirals, just picturing them is making me have cutis anserina, ‘goose bumps’ (just trying to sound intelligent) Nah, it didn’t work.

Q - Quote: “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans”. John Lennon
R - Reason to smile: My family, my friends, my life

S - Song you sang last: Can’t remember, I haven’t sung in a while.
T - Time you wake up: 7.30, 8ish, Samara is my alarm clock.

U - Unknown fact about me: That’s why its unknown. “I’m a fragile little thing.”

V - Vegetable you hate: I love vegetables, so there!

W - Worst habit: Help??? Can someone that knows me answer this?

X - X-rays you’ve had: Chest, teeth, no broken bones yet – “knock on wood”.
Y - Yummiest food my belly likes: My belly is on diet right now, how dare you ask me that question, (Kidding)! At this very moment it’s Cheese and chocolate.

Z - Zodiac sign: Taurus, “The Bull” So what does that say about me?

"Tondy time" is very important!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 11:46:00 +0000

I was hoping for a good day and for some reason it kept going downhill. Following a good BM it’s a must your day goes uphill, don’t you think? After reading a refreshing post from one of my favorite blogs I planned to go out and indulgence in some well deserved caffeine therapy, come home and read a magazine or two; those plans didn’t make it in my day. Before I start venting I thought I should mention the one thing that has gotten me beaming; my hubby has turned into Superman! I can’t figure out where he’s borrowed the energy. He’s cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, taking care of Sammy, you name it. OH, OH, OH! He even changed the music in the car when I was scrubbing and played Justin, now that’s love. I know I should enjoy it, since I was kind of complaining in an earlier post, but I can’t help but wonder “what the hell is going on!” Okay, so that’s the good news. The not so good news is I’m feeling trapped, suffocated, locked in, stuck, surrounded, hemmed in, cut off, imprisoned verbally, entombed, ensnared, confined (thanks Encarta you were right on the money).

The thing about me is; I like my space. I like to come home and relax, do whatever I want, sit wherever, in any state, no explanations, no judgmental eyes, nothing! I am my own company; I love “Tondy time”. Don’t get me wrong, I like people, a specific type of people and in certain doses. But of late “Tondy time” has been lacking, so I often find myself fantasizing of a get away plan. It wouldn’t be such a dramatic fantasy if there was a GAP or a Books-A-Million, even a Walmart in New Zealand; in times of confusion much retail therapy is needed. Besides the random texts and phone calls and the little suburbia hiccups, it’s the gag that’s gotten me pulling my hair and it’s the gag that turned my day upside down. This is it, for the past few days I’ve been feeling like the estranged adopted child in my own house, by the way, my hubby once accused me of making things up in my head, and of course with the selective mind we all posses I haven’t forgotten that comment. The reason I mentioned this is that to others I may seem over dramatic (Gosh, why am I explaining myself?). Okay, the gag is preventing me from being me, and as the days go by I’m scared “Imma” (note well, I did say I was going to stop using that word) burst and end up saying some bitch ass remark that’s going to label me for life as “That Bitch”. Here’s what’s gotten my knickers up in a twist:

I like to know what’s going on around me, especially if it’s going to interfere with “Tondy time” and of late I’ve been feeling like decisions are being made for me; If I’m well-informed I can be more accommodating!

Panzies, panzies of all sorts. Ones that are scared to say what they are thinking – “like me”. “Stand up for yourself man, have a backbone!” If you feel disrespected say so, don’t just stand there and say nothing, where are your balls?” Panzies that won’t admit their scared and make up the most absurd excuses as to why they won’t get their ass up and do things, things that will benefit them.

Lack of mentorship (is that a real word by the way). People that love you should guide you and tell you facts as they are. And when those people don’t, they are failing you. Say it in the right way, and if you get a smart comment like the ones I’ve been witnessing, be firm. Mean business, don’t take it, GOSH!

If you know my biggest pet peeves why do you let them happen, why do I let them happen? “Tondy, you’re seriously pissing me off!”

Keep your eyes to yourself! My husband knows that if I catch an individual looking crafty at another individual or me, that’s a big question mark in my books. Be respectful enough to look at someone in the eye, don’t steal eyes at them.

Last but not least rants, “I miss my life!” I want things to get back to normal! I want my husband back – superman is not working for me. I need something to complain about; after all I am a woman. Okay, maybe superman can stay until the end of this week. I miss telling my bestfriend what’s on my mind without being labeled as being judgmental or a hater.

Phew, I feel much better. That was a good venting session and pep talk. Now I can get the ball rolling.

My friend Shady!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 13:39:00 +0000

The way things are going I’m scared for my life. I had an encounter with a stranger? Okay someone I rarely have “come to Jesus talks with”. It’s funny how we envy someone else’s life or in this case label them as something else not knowing the dirt their carrying. On the contrary, I really enjoyed talking to this person and in talking to them it was confirmed, a Jezebel, is a Jezebel. My intuitions about my so called friends were right. So why am I scared – this is it. I’m not looking for stories or anything, they are coming to me and I don’t know how to stop them. I’m scared that it’s all going to blow up in my face and really I don’t want to be involved. Since I exposed Jezebel (in my writings) weird things have been happening (the herons are dismantling!) The sad part is they are taking innocent victims with them. I was saddened to know that for some people its second nature to lie to their closest friends; I guess evil has no boundaries. Anyways, this conversation (with the stranger) got me thinking of a friend I had in Uni, for arguments sake we’ll call her Shady.

Shady was the poster child of righteousness. She was a devoted Christian; she even took up a minor in bible that’s how good Shady was. Why Shady used to parade her innocence (her virginity BS) no one knows. And when Shady was caught in a lie, all heaven broke loose – it was a sin to accuse her of an indecency. Even though Shady was my friend she had something against me, it was later found out that Shady wanted my life. One day I had had enough and gave my friend a little taste of the nasty stick. Ooooo! Shady didn’t take too well to that; it was as they say “page six” news on campus. I was hoarded with hate mail from all angles. I didn’t fight it; all I said was, "Sooner or later you’ll know the truth". That fight wasn’t the end of me and Shady. It took 'till senior year for things to really settle but along the way I had many encounters with Shady; with her tarnishing my name in every oppprtunity she had, threatening to destroy my relationship with my boyfriend then (my hubby now), her dating in my family (my brother can you imagine) and accusing me of ruining things between them, yet she dated him behind my back. There are too many stories about me and Shady so I’ll get to the point. Shady’s life started to dismantle just like how life's dismantling for the Jezebels. Rumors started to surface that someone had eaten Shady’s cookie when she was like 14/15, that she used to come onto her aunts boyfriends and all, that Shady had had an umpteen number of abortions….Let me paint the picture for you, “Shady was a Jezebel!” and like I had said that night of our first fight, “You’ll know the truth”. Because of her ruthlessness (sleeping around), Shady has been unable to keep a relationship for longer than six months (Karma). I have nothing against Shady, she even tried to reconcile with me last year. At first I wanted her to rectify all those things she had done to me but what I realized was, Shady is who she is, she was never going to change, and so after I had thought about it I agreed to the reconciliation. Lets put it like this, "I know where our boundaries lay".

Moral of the story, “Judgment day will be upon Jezebel soon.” To my stranger friend who has her own Shady, not to worry – “They’ll know the truth”. And to y’all, remember Robert Greene (The 48 Laws of Power)

Law 10

Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Gender issues!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 10:37:00 +0000

I’m injured, don’t worry it’s nothing big. I hurt my right index finger when I was pretending to throw my hubby’s phone outside (serves me right, yes I know), instead I hit the corner of my laptop with my finger. Its okay, I’ll learn to live with a multicolored fingernail for a while. The painkillers are working wonders, which is why I’m typing right now unless I’m a martyr or something and don’t know it. The mistake I made was thinking my little accident was going to bring me some much needed attention (I’m seriously craving it these days). Nah! After the bag of Ice I received from my husband and the comforting - “It’ll get better” that was about it. I even tried acting like a ditz and asking if my finger will fall off and, still nothing! Even the occasional “Aaaah” yell in pain didn’t work. Maybe I’m a bit upset; if tables were turned I’d have run around trying to make my hubby feel better. I’m guessing this is a gender issue. So in my annoyed state I’ve found the key to ask you men, (ladies you’re welcome to answer too) a few questions:

Why is it when you’re sick or hung over you act like it’s the end of the world and expect us women to lick your butts all day?
Do you think we live for washing dishes, that we actually enjoy it? Picking after you, cooking for you, making sure your life’s all dandy with no complaints?
Oh and did you think the grocery’s were going to find their on way into the pantry?
Why are you always tired? And why do you have to let the whole world know it? Yet you’re on the net researching on the latest gadget, isn’t that a form of work?
Did I hear you thanking me for taking care of house, for getting my butt up at the middle of the night to feed “Our baby”? I’m guessing that’s part of being a woman too, and really, I too didn’t thank you for going to work today, LOL.
Remind me again why I thank you when you help me clean “Our house”?
What is so funny about Jackass (MTV)? And what’s with the car fascination (Top Gear)

For the sake of my relationship, I won’t continue – nah, I really have a great Hubby. Did you know that these small annoyances can actually dissolve a relationship; that was news to me? According to Cunningham “Annoyances early in a relationship tend to produce a small negative reaction, but sensitivity increases when they are repeated.” He said, “Relatively minor unpleasant behaviors appear to direct a person’s emotions in a manner that resembles how physical allergens function immunologically”, that’s food for thought. The thing is, we women tend not to say when something annoys us and so we let the small things become bigger and then we erupt. I have tried the “I’ll say it as it is and when I feel it” tactic, but that just makes me look like a bitch. And I know one thing for sure, “men hate their partner’s over critical remarks and “giving commands without having legitimate authority”. So, we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place?

Personally I declared today my day off. “Lazy” was my middle name. I woke up late, got someone to make my bed for me, squeezed an afternoon nap (hey, I’ve been browsing the net, I was tired), and left the dishes in the sink, read the paper. I’m acting exactly how I’m treated. And remember – I did injure my index finger. “So why’s everyone making me feel bad?” Or is it my subconscious mind playing tricks on me. How ironic my hubby forwarded this e-mail to me.

Nine words women use...

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking

Changes!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 23:20:00 +0000

Things have calmed down now, everything is getting back to normal and most people have gone back to work. Now you’re settling down into your old habits, those that said they’d quit smoking are struggling right now, probably giving people hell! Peeps are wishing that you'd just get on with it and smoke that cigarette . Those that planned to lose weight are hungry as hell as they read this; am I lying, LOL. I’ll stop being nasty and say, get on with it! at least you’re trying. Of course I’ve also written a few things that I’d like to change so hopefully those that are responsible for me (my husband) will hold me accountable if things dismantle.

In the last post I was a bit mean (I know, I always say this) but I’ve come back to my senses now. There are always 3 sides to a story (so says my hubby) yours, the other party’s and the truth. So maybe Jezebel is being framed, LOL…highly unlikely but I’m willing to hear her story or his, since a male Jezebel has arisen in my side of town. Anyways, question for the day? What would you do if you came face to face with your man’s mistress; do you flee (why, I don’t know), do you ignore her, confront her, act like old buddies, what would you do? I've realized I’ve been caught and might end up being called the local “Herald” so Imma concentrate on me.

It’s been a good year so far, I’m more motivated to succeed than ever, thanks to Ange. I’ve been reading the book she sent to me – “What I didn’t learn at school but wish I had” it couldn’t have come at a better time. I won’t say I will be transformed overnight and become miss positive, (I’m human) I’ll have down days too. What I’m saying is, “Tondy is on her way to becoming a better person.” If you’re lucky I might even stop hating, talking about hating, my mum used the phrase playa hating yesterday, I was shocked I tell you – (Mother is getting hip, LOL) This book has some good stuff so far, and this is coming from someone whose tried to read every motivational book out there. Jamie McIntyre, the author of the book talks about LIFESTYLE = Time + Money, and that’s what I’m after. Ange has started a little group discussion about it so I won’t spoil it for her and carry on rambling about it (me and my big mouth). To those that have enjoyed the Jezebel stories and my drinking escapades, those maybe coming to an end, NOT! Really I don’t know. Before I start my new life, I'll tell you this, “I had one heck of a lovely time this past weekend” and yes wine was involved. Best of all I enjoyed it with my friends, (a little wink to g-mum, thanks for being there).

Before I jolt off, I’m also reading, “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom, the author of “Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson." And if you’ve read any of his books you know to jump at the very mention of his name. This is one good read. For those that have lost a loved one this book will give you comfort and for the rest of us, it teaches us to be more appreciative of the ones we love, before they go “Home”.

Jezebel!

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 10:35:00 +0000

Weird things have been happening around my crowd. These things have been affecting males and females, marriages, friendships, children, churches, you name it. I’m not much for gossip, so my job is to listen and I have listened to a fair share that have experienced what I’ll be talking about. This will be a sensitive issue for some, so I’ll warn you now – if you can’t take the heat, you know what to do.

I’ll start of with what I’ve been seeing? Fakeness! I see young woman putting on a front, “Oh I’m so holy, and I go to church on Sunday, I don’t listen to this music, I don’t like gossiping, my husband this, my boyfriend that,” all bull. I went to a Christian University, I know the real Christians from the fake ones, and let me tell you, there are more fake ones than real ones. Imma be ghetto and say, “Girl, don’t come parading your faith in front of me. I see you at parties, I see how you dance, I see you where I dine, I see you amongst my friends, I listen to you when you contradict yourself, I see the front. I see how you steal eyes at--------“Did he see me? Can they see behind the front?” how you talk, what you say, I could go on but I’ll say this instead, I'm not fooled! I sense the Jezebel spirit!” Let me tell you a little bit about this spirit?

Jezebel, literally translated, means “without cohabitation”. This simply means she refuses to live together or “cohabit” with anyone. Jezebel will not dwell with anyone unless she can control and dominate the relationship. When she seems submissive or “servant-like”, it is only for the sake of gaining some strategic advantage. From her heart, she yields to no one. Although we refer to Jezebel as “she”, this spirit is without gender. This spirit operates through women who, because of insecurity, jealousy or vanity, desire to dominate others. Jezebel is there behind the woman who publicly humiliates her husband with her tongue, and there-after controls him by his fear of public embarrassment. While she uses every means of sexual perversity known in hell, immorality is not the issue; control is what she seeks, using the power of sexual passions for the purpose of possessing men. To a woman under the influence of Jezebel, “conquering” a man need not involve physical contact if a seductive glance of her eyes will capture him. When Jezebel painted her face to make herself more attractive it suggests a type of evil that is all made up to look attractive to those that are under her spell.

Now that you have a little background about Jezebel let me tell you what’s been happening around me. They’ve been a few incidences of men being fooled by this spirit that a few women are in possession of (a handful of menaces). These women come with their garments of manners, morals and sweet faces and you’d think its all true – “Nah, they are after your men!” Don’t be fooled. Right now you’re probably saying whatever; “it’s just men behaving badly (cheating on their wives)”. Some of you have even learnt to accept this behavior from your man as being normal. What I’m talking about is not the mild one night stand or whatever you want to call it. And if you know me, I’m not the type that goes and beats up the other woman and so forth, so for me to be blaming the other woman is highly unusual. But! In this case it’s called for. I’m talking about women that are really out there to break marriages, and relationships without a care in the world….To make matters worse these women are married and in relationships of their own. Now tell me, is that greed or what? That’s just pure cruelty!

Because of these Jezebels, elders of churches are being relocated; wives are attempting suicide, marriages broken, trust stolen, and friends no longer on speaking terms. I thought I left “Small house in Zimbabwe”. “Small house” is a term they use to describe the other women (mistress) who doesn’t mind having a family with a married man, more like Holy Harper in “Brothers and Sisters”.

I’m not a fan of confrontation and any controversy, and I don’t like to be in peoples business and I won’t go broadcasting the happenings of Jezebel to the women or men I know Jezebel is trying to get to, so what I’ll do is warn you (don't get too comfortable) – be careful, do not be fooled. I’ll make you aware that there are people out there that possess this Jezebel spirit and they’re out there to destroy. I know this is not just happening in my corner of the world, it’s everywhere. It doesn’t have to be infidelity, it’s all malicious acts. If any of you suspect a Jezebel in your crowd, let me know. I wouldn’t mind knowing how you deal with your Jezebels.

Truth & Blood???????

noreply@blogger.com (Tondy) — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 11:50:00 +0000

So the past few days have been filled with DRAMA, mixed emotions – times of joy, times of anger, frustrations, you name it, it’s been in the air. We’ll start with the good news – my estranged brother called me from the blues. I was in shock, don’t get me wrong, in a good way. We talked for hours about everything, books he’s read, books I’m reading and so forth. Even though he kind of vanished for a while I never lost hope. I thought of him always, with varied emotions. Sometimes I’d get angry and wonder why he’s doing this to me and other times I simply missed him. I consider myself very close to my brother because that’s one person I now that loves me and would do anything for me, well anything to keep me happy. Our relationship took a while to build ( like any other), calling each other vulgar names one minute and then the next going to the gym together, playing tennis, dining and talking about “the next big thing” anyways brother if you’re reading this, “you’ve made your sisters year.”

My brothers phone call got me thinking about a few questions I would like answered. “About the truth"? Does the truth really hurt! From my observations when you hit a nerve, someone’s nerve, on the right spot and they react aggressively, that’s truth - right? I was having a mature conversation with someone, I knew I was getting there, I kind of hesitated for a moment but I couldn’t help myself and there, it came out. The reaction of it, lets say it wasn’t good. They went into defense mode, and when I say defense mode I mean walking away and yelling out------? Would I be wrong to say I hit a nerve? I know, you want more details, even I do, but the issue is still a little too sensitive for the internet so I’ll keep the story to myself for right now? I’ll move on and ask another question, “Is blood really thicker than water?” Given a choice, for those that are married who would you pick your sibling or your partner? To some it’s a difficult question and to others it’s a no brainer. To me “blood will always be thicker than water” I trust my family (Mum, Dad, sisters and brother) others, questionable. Friends may come and go, marriages may end but family is always there (for the fortunate ones, that is). Really families are different, I was taught to listen and respect my elders. I’m sure it’s the same in the western culture but I guess it’s more pronounced were I am from since an elder could also mean your brother or sister, “if sister wants water, you run and get sister water”, yah like that. I could go on mumbling about nothing but what I really want answered are the two questions below:

Does the truth really hurt?
Is blood really thicker than water?