Seeing—and taking full advantage of—opportunities for gratitude, especially where there don’t seem to be any, will help smooth your journey across the sometimes rocky roads of life.

The trick, though, is to notice those opportunities for what they are.

Lots of times they’ll look like one thing, but when you change your perspective—Voila!—you see them as something else.

Of course, sometimes it’s much easier to recognize someone else’s opportunities.

This happens fairly often to me, and it occurred again this morning when I went out for a short grocery run.

When I got to the register, there was no customer ahead of me, but there was an empty cart and the cashier was ringing up an order.

She looked at me, smiled apologetically, and said that the customer had to go swap out an item.

I smiled in return, and told her I wasn’t in any rush, so it wasn’t a problem.

The harried woman returned very shortly and tossed her last item on the counter.

She proceeded to run her credit card, run into problems, and run out of patience.

I smiled again, and made some comment about it being ok, that I wasn’t in a hurry, and that I hoped things went more smoothly for her the rest of the day.

She gave me a hard stare, and told me it wasn’t ok, that I didn’t understand.

Through clenched teeth and in a single breath, she informed me her master bathroom was torn apart, she needed to be in Charlotte, NC—4 hours away, for you dear readers unfamiliar with this area—to see the new grand baby, and she was sure someone would be mad at her today because she couldn’t do everything and be everywhere at once.

Taken aback by her annoyed response, I wondered if I should say anything else, or if she’d hit me with a bag of groceries if I did.

I responded gently with a soft smile, and joy in my eyes, “A grand baby? Oh, what a delight! Well that’s someone who will certainly love to see you!”

She huffed, jerked her purchases into the cart, and off she went.

Remodeling is no fun.

Been there, done that, bathrooms and kitchens.

But, the end product is always so much nicer than the original.

And a grandbaby?

How much sweeter does it get?

That poor woman was so overwhelmed by the happenings in her day that she neglected to realize the abundance of goodness that was at the root of it all.

I wrote about an epiphany my husband and I had about budgeting:

Change your point of view to see budgeting as freedom. Yes, sweet, sweet freedom! You may believe as we did that budgeting meant we’d never have fun again. EVER. But, like the optical illusion below, what we saw depended completely on our perspective. Duck or bunny? Chains or freedom? Once we realized the budget was our opportunity to choose intentionally where each dollar went, we saw the freedom we could have from guilt, worry, and fear.

In a similar farm animal vein, I recently read about a joke that involved manure.

Yes. Manure.

I know that sounds strange, but you take inspiration where you find it.

It has been a tremendously helpful and amusing reminder to change my perspective.

I hope you find it helpful as well.

Come on over to Engaged Marriage to put this perspective to use in your life.

I’ve shut off comments here so we can converse over there.

Perhaps you, too, will join us by taking up our new rallying cry whenever life gets bumpy:

There must be a pony in here somewhere!  <— Click on this link to join me. 

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Did you know Valentine’s Day is right around the corner?

Oh, right, you probably do, given the constant barrage of guilt-inducing, wallet-breaking, comparison making advertisements that are absolutely everywhere you turn.

My hubbie knows too, but he won’t be getting me anything for this red letter holiday.

I know it’s possible when you just read that, the following thought crossed your mind:

Of all the crummy, thoughtless things…the cheapskate can’t even take the time or money to recognize how much his wife—Miss Too Darn Happy—means to him?!

Before you judge my dear hubbie, let me explain.

I agree with him.

I have been blessed with a man who cherishes me all year round, who loves me in spite of my imperfections, when I feel unlovable, and in my selfishness and impatience.

Notice I did not say that he loves my imperfections and all those other not so adorable traits.

I will take that any day over a husband who thoughtlessly wanders through 364 days, then scrambles to show HOW VERY MUCH HE LOVES ME for a few short hours.

I will take that any day over being a wife who waits and plots, ready to pounce on February 15, to JUST LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH HE LET ME DOWN ON THIS SUPER IMPORTANT DAY WITH HIS POORLY CHOSEN GIFT/LACK OF GIFT, AND HE CAN COUNT ON ME THROWING IT IN HIS FACE FOR THE NEXT YEAR.

Good luck with either of those scenarios.

Is it any wonder that he retreats to his den, his buddies and his sports?

Is it any wonder she retreats to her kitchen, her friends and her hobbies?

A husband may think that lavishing roses, candy and jewelry on his dearest in a single day will make a relationship just peachy all year round.

A husband may not be able to figure out how to love his spouse because rather than showing him the way, she spends her time making him jump through hoops.

A husband may have given up helping around the house because his wife criticizes and re-does everything he was told asked to do.

The secret is a husband and wife need to communicate.

Really, truly communicate.

Start with learning your love languages and figuring out ways to bring a smile to your beloved’s face. Sometimes it’s as simple as a sticky note on the mirror, bringing home a sweet treat or offering to take the kids to the park so she can have a few moments to herself.

Check out the resources I listed in this post to jump start your communication.

Dustin at Engaged Marriage has lots of help available for you, too, right here.

Ask your spouse what it is that you do that shows them you love them.

Simply. Lovingly. Calmly. With curiosity.

Commit to random acts of love and kindness throughout the week, the month, the year.

Even if your spouse doesn’t.

Even if they say don’t bother, that it doesn’t matter.

It does.

To you.

To your kids who are watching.

To your spouse, even though they say it doesn’t.

Because showing love isn’t just for Valentine’s Day.

However, if you’d like a refreshing perspective for ideas on celebrating the holiday, I’ve got you covered:

5 Tips for a Delightful Valentine’s Day

If you want your marriage to be a relationship like no other you have to treat it like no other.  ~Craig Groeschel‬‬‬

Comment: What is one action you can take today to show your love?

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When colors, shapes, and sounds come together, delightful patterns can be formed.

You encounter them everywhere: in the clothes you wear, the furnishings you buy, the music you hear.

While some patterns are easy to spot, some are much more subtle.

Patterns of love tend to be this less obvious type, since they develop slowly over time, mostly in small ways.

That means they need to be worked at regularly to be able to see the pattern take shape.

When you do so, you can create the pattern of a stronger, healthier, and  more joyful marriage.

You begin with the framework of your relationship: the warp threads.

These are the long strands that represent the span of your lives, the core of who you both are.

Strong and flexible as spider’s silk, they hold the opposing fibers—the weft threads—in place.

It is these weft threads that you choose each day, that bring in the color, texture, and more to create the beautiful tapestry of your marriage.

While threads and fibers are the stock in trade for the weaver, words and actions are yours.

How can you use those to create your tapestry?

Share them repeatedly and often so your spouse sees, hears, or feels your love every day.

For example, you can create small traditions.

Share breakfast in bed on the weekend, take leisurely walks in the evening, or host stay-at-home date nights.

Cuddle on the couch for soul talk, because you gotta have soul.

Discover his love language.

Put flirty and fun love notes in your husband’s lunchbox or briefcase reminding him what it is you adore about him.

Surprise him with inexpensive and creative gifts.

As Henry Ward Beecher said,

We sleep, but the loom of life never stops, and the pattern which was weaving when the sun went down is weaving when it comes up in the morning.

The secret is to be intentional about taking these small and positive steps to weave patterns of love.

Over time, you will be able to look back over the fabric of your marriage, a smile crinkling the corners of your mouth as you run your fingers over the beloved and familiar patterns, feeling the rough patches that blend into the smooth, marveling how the darker areas provide contrast and definition for the brighter ones, and knowing this work of art will continue to provide much warmth, comfort, and joy.

Comment: What are words or actions you use to create patterns of love in your marriage?

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Making the decision to move 1,000 miles away from the deep roots you’ve put down over the course of your life is not an easy one.

I speak from experience, as it took my husband and I years to finally decide to move from the cold northeast to the mild climate of Tennessee.

Now that we’ve been here for almost a year and a half and are happier and very much at peace with our decision, I am reminded of groundwork we laid to make sure our family remained strong.

This groundwork covered different aspects of our lives: Financial, Family, Career, Personal Growth, Physical, Spiritual, and Social.

Still, in spite of our best efforts, we have found weak spots that have needed shoring up following our move.

That is to be expected, of course, since we are all a continual work in progress.

The following post, which I wrote for another site just prior to moving, shares the thought process and how-to of what we did.

I hope you find this Pie of Life a helpful tool for laying the groundwork for a stronger family!

Do you remember those first, heart-pounding moments of playing hide and seek?

100, 99, 98, . . .

As your friend began the countdown, you raced for the best hiding place you could find.

Sometimes, it would be just the blink of an eye before you’d hear, “3, 2, 1. Ready or not, here I come!”

You knew your goose was probably cooked at this point.

There was always someone, though, who was the last to be found.

You know why? Because they were ready before the countdown began.

Life is a lot like that.

We don’t hear anyone counting down our moments, but it is happening nonetheless.

Sometimes, it is for the wonderfully exciting: finally meeting the one, or holding our bambinos for the first time.

Other times, however, it’s those seconds that feel like hours as we wait for a proverbial shoe to drop, that long In-Between.

And every once in a great while, we round a corner, and WHAM!

We run smack dab into an unexpected life event, those experiences that carry the potential to dramatically and negatively change our circumstances.

Dave Ramsey shared a discouraging statistic from Money Magazine that 78% of Americans will have a major negative financial event in any given 10-year period.

Being the optimistists—or ostriches—that we are, however, we  often carry happily on, sure that everything is and will be just fine.

Who wants to think about dark times ahead while the sun shines so brightly?

Well, Noah did, as he built his ark. Joseph, too, took action. Over the course of seven bountiful growing seasons, he gathered so much grain it was beyond measure.

They were ready when the difficult times began and thus softened the blow considerably for their families.

Granted, these are extreme examples, but you, too, can take small and regular preventative steps to help sustain your marriage, family, and four walls during stormy weather.

Where to look to solidify your defenses 

Consider the main areas that make up your life: Financial, Family, Career, Personal Growth, Physical, Spiritual, and Social.

The quality of your life, and the resulting ability to hold things together when faced with adversity, comes from careful tending to each area.

When an area is full, Murphy is less likely to come knocking at your door.

It also means you can draw upon other areas when he does.

For example, if you are hit with a medical emergency, you don’t want to be distracted by financial woes.

If you lose your job, you won’t be able to draw comfort and support from a relationship already running on empty.

You want to be free to focus the full measure of your attention solely on the main area of need.

We are going to talk about each section, particularly in relationship to the whole, as a pie.

The question is this: How much of each slice do you regularly keep on hand?

How to measure where you are

If you look at the diagram, you will see full and equal slices in each area.

That does not represent real life, by the way.

The more attention you give to an area, the fuller that slice of life is.

For instance, let’s say you are spending sixty hours a week at your job. Your Career slice would definitely be full-size. If you are the reigning Olympic Couch Potato Gold Medalist, your Physical slice of pie will be just a few crumbles in the pan.

That’s pretty fitting when you think about it.

Sketch out a quick seven-section pie-chart on a piece of paper, using the areas I’ve noted. You can add others, or rename any, too. Do what works for you. And remember this does not have to be perfect.

For each slice, color from the center out. The more area that is colored represents the greater amount of attention being paid to this area. Make a judgement about the percentage of attention given. Use a scale of one to ten, one being almost no attention, and 10 being a lot. Color that amount in on the slice.

Spouses, you can do this exercise together or separately: it’s up to you.

How to decide what needs adjusting

Once you are through assigning a value to each slice, take a look at the entire pie.

Do any slices jump out at you as dramatically fuller or emptier than others?

Do you or did you have a sense that certain areas were out of balance, and this diagram confirms it?

Remember that what is required of you and your spouse ebbs and flows depending on your season of life.  When your children are infants, your family may require a great deal more attention. If you are building a business, your career may demand many more of your hours.

You have to regularly assess and reprioritize all areas.

There is no single, right formula, and no perfect, one-size-feeds-all pie, but using your core values as a guide will help you prioritize.

 How to strengthen areas

1. Financial.  Get your finances in order: Do a budget, create an emergency fund, get out of debt. Dustin has lots of great resources here. Did you know that having better control of your finances gives you a greater sense of hope and improves your marriage?

2. Family.  First and foremost, keep your marriage strong. Find simple, frugal, and enjoyable ways to fill your family’s love buckets. Remember that small things can bring big satisfaction. A close family and strong relationships provide great shelter in a storm.

3. Career.  Choose to be happy where you are, or find somewhere you can be happy, because a happy mom and dad are a precious gift. Do the positives of the job outweigh the negatives? Is it a means to an end? Do you want to move into something else? Dan Miller, author of 48 Days to the Work You Love, maintains a supportive and uplifting community of over 12,000 entrepreneur-minded individuals. Check them out! Loving what you do pays priceless dividends to you and your family.

4. Personal Growth.  Growing in your skills and knowledge can help with a new career, advancing in your current one, and your general overall satisfaction. Plus, being a lifelong learner is a great role-model for your children. Sign up for a class, attend conferences, learn how to do something new. Remember the kids will be leaving home one day, and then it will be just the two of you again. It’s great to continue to grow so you are both still interesting. Here’s a list of ten terrific personal growth blogs to get you rolling.

5. Physical.  Just get up and move. Take walks. Play tag with your kids. Eat wisely. Sleep well. Meditate. Strength train. When you don’t take of yourself, you won’t have the strength or immunity you need to handle a crisis. Plus, if you don’t take time to be well, you will take time to be sick.

6. Spiritual.  Grow your relationship with God. Pray, especially before you are knocked down to your knees. Refresh your spirit by going to church, joining a small group study, reading your Bible, devotionals, or websites that enrich and challenge you. There are a multitude of resources available-check with a friend or on the web. Your faith will sustain you through life’s most difficult times in a way that nothing else can.

7. Social.  Make friends, join a club, attend concerts in the park, have other parents over for potluck game nights. You do not need to become a hermit just because you are married and possibly have little ones. Neglecting this area is easy to do, especially as a parent, but be intentional about creating and maintaining these relationships. They will fill an important space in your life, as well as that slice of the pie.

There you have it: A plan to identify and fortify the main areas of your life so your family be stronger.

I encourage you to spend time and attention to creating the right mix for your family.

Then, when those hard knocks come, you will be able to stand strong and leave the hiding strictly for fun.

Now it’s time to go play: 100, 99, 98, . . .

Question: What area needs the most attention to make your family stronger?

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I shook my head in disbelief as I came to grips with the situation: I had somehow landed in a pit of vipers and  needed to dispatch with them before they dispatched with me.

No, I wasn’t in the jungle, but in a new job, where I had been brought in for my positive attitude, expertise in customer service, and experience in a team environment.

The expectation was that I would be a key supporter and participant in helping to bring a greater spirit of teamwork to the business.

I was very excited at the opportunity to play a part in this inspiring plan as the often overlooked, but crucial, First Follower.

The dangers weren’t readily apparent at the start, as the staff was welcoming and helpful.

Plus, I was friendly with the person, someone I admired, who had brought me together with the owner for the initial interview.

However, the facade of friendliness soon began to fall away as some poisonous behaviors began to surface.

At first, I thought it was the re-alignment that inevitably occurs when a new person comes on board.

A critical eye is cast as your measure is taken, and skills are weighed.

If you are deemed worthy, you are invited into various alliances, or perhaps—be still your beating heart!—into the inner circle, much like the one the Popular Girls ran in middle school.

Rather than being able to help to usher in a new and optimistic spirit, I found myself increasingly isolated and on guard.

Gossip, ridicule, and other mean girl behaviors were sadly a regular part of the days.

I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing because it was so different from my expectations.

Every day I wondered, to quote Taylor Swift, “Why you gotta be so mean?”

The thought of leaving was constantly on my mind.

But, I kept thinking that because I had prayed so hard and so long for this job following months of unemployment that I was meant to be a light, a beacon, for this place.

If I left, I would be running away, like I had too many times before, as opposed to intentionally towards something better.

And that’s how I found myself in a pit of vipers.

When it came down to brass tacks, I only had three choices: leave it, change it, or live with it.

Honestly, I had worked for months on reaching out and being even more helpful.

Still, at the end of the day, I just wasn’t able to make progress.

I was crying practically every night over the stress, and my husband kept encouraging me to quit.

Are you familiar with the phrase death by a thousand cuts?

Well, I felt my spirit was being killed by a thousand snakebites.

Turns out those bites were a God Wink in disguise, almost like having a sheep dog who barks at me and nips at my heels to shepherd me in the right direction.

I have to say I would have much preferred the sheep dog to the vipers.

Looking back on this situation provided me with important lessons, both regarding this job and life in general.

1.  Don’t assume you must stay where you are. You time somewhere is always for a season, and it may have been for a single purpose, such as refining your character, and nothing else, or it could be in preparation for a new venture.

2.  When you feel like you’re being driven to your knees, you probably are. That is the time to let go, to stop, drop and pray, or reflect, meditate, journal, and especially gather wise counsel. As Abe Lincoln said, “I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.”

3.  Step back to gain a fresh point of view. If this job was in your rear view mirror, how would your perspective change? Would you have liked working with or for you? Are there things you could have done differently? Are there actions you could have taken to get through the days more easily and happily? Would you have wished you had headed for the exit sooner?

4.  Know that leaving is an option and will happen at some point, one way or another. Concerns about money piled onto the misery. We had gotten debt free through Financial Peace, and I was deeply afraid of losing every bit of progress we had made. My husband assured me we would find a way to make this work, but fear and doubt had become demons keeping me in the pit. It’s not a happy place to be, trust me. It is better to get ahead of that curve and take steps, if possible, to make the inevitable transition smoother.

5.  Assume there is always something good that will come of your struggle. When you look for the good, you will find it. Think about lessons learned, growth made, and faith renewed. Be grateful for your situation, hardship and all. Get curious and embrace the adventure!

Now that I have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I can clearly see the longer I ignored God’s previous gentler nudges, the louder, sharper, and more insistent the message became.

And that’s how I eventually became grateful for the God Wink of being in that pit, because leaving that position opened up a more fulfilling chapter in my life.

Vipers: They were the right tool, for the right job, at the right time.

Comment: What kind of God Winks have you experienced?

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How many times have you gotten discouraged reviewing the latest events in your life?

You probably cherry-picked the worst moments, blew them up into large and excruciatingly awful detail, and stacked them upon all the other examples you could muster of your incredible ineptitude or the impossibility of your situation until the tower tumbled and crashed on and around you, confirming your worst fears about yourself.

Whether it’s discouragement and shame or something deeper like depression and addiction, you need to know you are not looking at the real situation.

The truth is that there’s hope in front of you.

Always.

I can’t speak to the darkness of mental health issues, grave illness, or surviving a tragedy, but I’ve certainly been guilty of stacking my real and imagined stupid to the ceiling to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I am unworthy and incapable.

There was always something there, though, to bring me through, people that were put in my path, especially my husband and my family, to help me see the light, as it were.

Singer/songwriter Danny Gokey says it beautifully in his song Hope in Front of Me: 

I’ve been running through rain that I thought would never end

Trying to make it on faith in a struggle against the wind

I’ve seen the dark and the broken places

But I know in my soul no matter how bad it gets, I’ll be alright

There’s hope in front of me, there’s a light I still see it

There’s a hand still holding me even when I don’t believe it

I might be down but I’m not dead, there’s better days still up ahead

Even after all I’ve seen, there’s hope in front of me

He shares the sad event that gave birth to the lyrics:

“This song was written from a very dark place in my life…and the subject was about finding purpose in your darkest moments,” he explained, “When we went to write this song, we wanted a song that reflected the journey that I’d walked through. This song is not only my journey, but a reflection of so many people’s journeys. We all go through these times when it feels like the rain and the storms are never going to end, and when you pray it seems like it is getting darker and darker.”

Gokey’s first wife Sophia passed away due to an unexpected complication following a heart surgery. This occurred just a month before his audition with Idol, to which he made it a point to honor his wife.

“It’s those little pieces of hope that God puts in front of you that are the light at the end of the tunnel to keep walking towards. Instead of getting stuck in a toxic place, keep walking towards the light, and keep making progress until it all makes sense,” he said.

Keep walking towards the light.

Take one step after the other, thinking about what kind of story you want to tell about this time a year from now, and discovering along the way how to drop the blinders and embrace the gift of possibility in your marriage and your life.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  ~Jeremiah 29:11

Comment: Where have you been able to see hope where you didn’t before?

I encourage you to watch the video below. I love both the message of hope and possibilities, of the rebirth of joy that can spring from the ashes of despair.

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In the past two weeks I’ve heard from a fellow writer who lost one of her dear friends who was a wife and mother of two teens, a co-worker from a previous job whose dad passed away, and a recent acquaintance whose son succumbed to an illness.

The grief is deep in those families, and I pray the regrets are few.

Losses such as these may cause you to pause as I did and consider the state of your life.

As my eyes swept over the panorama of where my husband and I have been and are now, I couldn’t help but think of Tim McGraw’s poignant ballad Live Like You Were Dying. 

If you are not familiar with the song, it tells an inspiring tale of a man’s response to his terminal medical diagnosis.

The award winning writers behind the lyrics, Craig Wiseman and Tim Nichols, shared the seeds of the song in an interview.

They had been hearing from friends about health scares large and small, real and faulty, and how the bad news stopped people in their tracks.

The duo began to think “What a cool concept (it would be) to respond to those circumstances not in a ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m going to get busy dying, but I’m going to get busy living.'”

Hence the birth of the song and an encouraging message of love, gratitude and forgiveness that can blossom from the rockiest soil.

The beauty of that message is this:

You don’t have to experience a health scare to be the kind of parent, spouse, or friend you always hoped you’d be, to live the life you had dreamed.

You can do that right now, because every moment can be a do-over, an opportunity to truly forgive, choose joy, be grateful, intentionally prioritize the important over the urgent.

It doesn’t mean you walk away from your family or responsibilities to find what’s been missing.

Instead, you move toward the people in your life, your hands and heart open, to love deeper, speak  sweeter, and give the forgiveness you’ve been denying, living like you are dying.

As Leo Babuata wrote: 

While you might not have only 6 months to live, I’m here to break the news to you: you really do only have a short time to live. Whether that’s 6 months, 6 years or 60 … it’s but the blink of an eye.

The life you have left is a gift. Cherish it. Enjoy it now, to the fullest. Do what matters, now.

Question: What is one thing you would do if you were living like you are dying?

I’m hoping you are encouraged by Tim McGraw’s video below of Living Like You Are Dying. Lyrics are here.

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I had A Moment yesterday.

You know, one those times when someone shares a bit of insight that absolutely rocks you back on your heels.

Mine came as I was listening to our pastor preaching on the mystery of marriage.

He shared about a bit of advice he received when he introduced his (hopefully) future wife to his grandfather.

The message from his revered relative was short, sweet, and simple:

Leave her better than you found her.

Let that soak in for a moment:

Leave her better than you found her. 

The implications of that left my mind working overtime.

Rather than seeing myself as a wife who does her best to give her best, my perspective shifted and the gears started turning:

How can I leave my husband a better person than I found him after a poor night’s sleep or longing for a more meaningful career?

How can I leave my children to be better than I found them as they struggle with the challenges of growing up?

How can I leave my extended family, friends, and others with whom I come into contact better than I found them at work, school, or behind the counter of the local coffee house?

Let that soak in for a moment:

Leave them better than you found them.

What does that look like?

For some launching off points, I return to Brad’s message:

Do you saturate your marriage and family with grace and forgiveness?

Do your children feel the safe embrace of your love?

If you were on the receiving end of your behavior, would you feel cherished and treasured?

Would you flourish and blossom under your hope and encouragement?

Would you know and believe in your beauty and worth even at your worst moments?

Would you be joyful in your very presence?

If the answer to any of these is anything but a resounding “Yes!” I would start looking for ways to lavish your loved ones with love, to leave them better in the mornings, evenings, and every waking moment in between.

A heartfelt recommendation: Watch the original message in Brad’s sermon yourself, as it is tremendously powerful and full of hope whether you are single or you’ve been married for years. It is well worth your 38 minutes: What is the mystery of a great marriage?

Comment: How do you leave them better? I look forward to your thoughts!

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I am well acquainted with Stubborn Pride.

I have listened to that wheedling, guilt-inducing voice too many times in my life, and it has never ended well.

As a matter of fact, I learned some time ago that when I am really struggling with fear of failure, I can find it lurking nearby, working my emotional strings better than a master puppeteer.

Kim, you’re not making progress at a career like you thought you would.

You better hope no one asks you what you do for work.

Kim, your personal finances are are a mess.

If I were you, I’d really be ashamed of my money management skills.

Kim, your list of friends is practically non-existent.

Perhaps you are far less interesting or fun to be around than you thought.

Stubborn Pride attempts to manipulate you with a distorted view of the truth.

Your reaction is almost always to either hide in embarrassment or double-down with Stubborn Pride at the controls, continuing to do what you’ve been doing, and continuing to get the same result.

But here’s the real truth:

Your “failures” don’t matter to the people to whom you matter.

They love you no less for what you think you should have done or become.

They love and accept you for you.

They are able to see something you might not:

Stubborn Pride is the real problem, and until you recognize it is pulling your strings, it will hold you captive.

Leo Babauta of Zen Habits offers turning toward the problem as a solution:

Turning toward a problem is scary as hell. That’s why we avoid it. But you can overcome that fear and do it anyway. You can look the problem directly in the face and open yourself up to it. Only then can you deal with it, and see that it’s not as scary as you think. Because by turning away from the problem, we give it power, and the fear of it rules our lives.

Let’s take away that power, and shine a little light on the problem. Allow ourselves to feel the pain, to feel the fear and still take action. To begin the healing. To begin to create something new and amazing from the ills that have been hiding in the dark.

Turn toward the problem and you turn it into something beautiful.

In my experience, cutting the strings of Stubborn Pride allows us to not only move forward from our mistakes and mis-steps, but also frees us to reach out and help others from the benefit of our experience.

More resources to help you cut the strings:

Barking up the Wrong Tree: What 5 Counter-Intuitive Things Can Help You Make Better Choices? 

Inc.: 4 Decision-Making Mistakes to Avoid

TDH: A Must-Have Decision Making Tool

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

Comment: How have you cut the cord when Stubborn Pride has been pulling your strings?

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Wouldn’t it be great if cranky, grumpy, hot-tempered people took an extended, nay, permanent, vacation far, far, away?

Ahhh, such a sweet dream.

In the real world, though, there are crabby people who will launch their slings and arrows your way with hardly a thought.

You get to choose how to respond, and I encourage you to consider this possibility first:

You are not the target.

I am reposting the following piece from a couple of years ago. I hope you find the following insights to be good reminders, especially if you have read this before, and the linked posts to be useful resources, especially the one how compassion can be increased with practice.

What do ornery coworkers, angry children and irritable spouses have in common?

You as the target.

Well, at least it seems that way, especially when you feel like you could be part porcupine because of all the virtual arrows bristling from your back.

However, in most cases, you really are not the target.

What you just might be, unfortunately, is the handiest place for others to offload some of their prickly feelings.

Allow me to illustrate.

When my family and I ran a large inn, the guests—parents and children—would arrive on a Friday night after a long and often frazzling drive from the city, dumping literal and figurative baggage at the check-in desk.

Did they bring the tired and cranky? Check.

Did they carry along the stress from the work week? Right here.

How about the simmering feud with their spouse? Oh, yes, with the car as a pressure cooker, it has reached the boiling point.

We had a choice every time we faced these situations: to throw on the armor and join the fight to face a potentially unpleasant weekend all around, or to deflect the barbs and let them clatter harmlessly to the ground.

We chose deflection every time as opposed to joining the battle, offering a heartfelt smile, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and a breath of fresh mountain air.

Almost without fail, by breakfast the following morning, the family was in greatly improved spirits, their quivers emptied of weapons and filled instead with joy.

You, too, can learn the art of deflection. Here is where you start: 

Incoming!

First, you must recognize that you feel wrongfully under attack, and understand that your instinctual fight or flight response will not get you what or where you want. (Just a note here: remember that I am not talking about the separate issue of physical or emotional abuse and battering. That is a completely different and unacceptable behavior.)

Remember it’s not about you

In general, people strike out at the nearest—and sometimes safest—target. Typically, this happens when their expectations are not met, such as during a vacation, when their status is threatened, or because they just have a low tolerance for frustration.

Nonetheless, you have gone from innocent bystander to target

You have been given an opportunity to behave in a totally counter-intuitive manner: to respond calmly with kindness and empathy. To quote Colossians 4:6 (ESV): Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

And how do you properly season your words?

Practice. Lots of practice along with a box full of great tools.

As I wrote in my free ebook, Practicing Gratitude and Discovering Joy-30 Days to a Happier You! :

Think about when you learned to read, write, and do arithmetic.

You became experienced through practice.

These once intimidating tasks became routine and almost effortless for you to accomplish.

Learning to deflect is a matter of practice as well. The more you do it, the better you become at it until it becomes your natural, default response.

Following are twelve secrets to get you rolling down a more peaceful path.

1. Practice compassion and kindness. Zen Habits has a great how-to here.

2. Change your perspective. Put yourself in other people’s shoes. What and who are they up against, what private battles are they already fighting?

3. Change your environment. Offer to move the discussion to a more neutral location, or you can excuse yourself for a short while to gather your thoughts.

4. Change your body language. Purposely physically relax your body. Let go of tension in your shoulders, uncross your arms, part your lips and hang your jaw slightly. (Did you know you can’t be angry if your jaw is hanging instead of clenched?)

5. Take deep breaths. In through the nose and out through your mouth, deep breathing will help calm your mind and also help relax your body.

6. Get curious. You can’t be curious and angry at the same time, so choose curiosity. Some great questions to use are here.

7. Become an empathic listener. Developing empathy is a tremendously useful skill to help defuse situations. Author Stephen R. Covey offers tips here.

8. Develop a sense of humor. To quote the blog Anger Management Expert:  Humour is a great weapon and also a gift that can be used to help diffuse certain situations before they are allowed to escalate and people lose control of their anger. Click the link for tips.

9. Look back from the future. Take the long view, and ask how important this skirmish is in the big scheme of things. This post will walk you through the how-to of an eye-opening and awareness raising exercise.

10. Be aware of your thoughts. As the old quote attributed to Mahatma Gandhi goes:

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

When tempers flare, your thoughts pop out of your mouth faster than kernels of corn on a hot griddle, and tend to burn everyone in reach. (Like this? Click here to tweet!) Steps to develop awareness and control are here.

11. Memorize scripture. Stay with me here, friends. Just a few short years ago I would have dismissed this idea as one for those with far more and deeper faith than I had. Having experienced the power of this first-hand, though, I am a convert. When we memorize scripture, we place the message into our hearts to draw upon in times of need. If scripture holds no meaning for you, then I would recommend finding teachings that do resonate, and memorize those to lean on.

12. Pray. For guidance, for the right words, for understanding and responding with grace, forgiveness, empathy and love. If you prefer to meditate, do that instead.

I truly believe the prevailing desire for most folks is to diffuse and deflect rather than return fire. Not only will you experience stronger and more satisfying relationships, but you will also be modeling tremendously powerful and positive behavior to your children. Hats off to you for working towards a more peaceful environment in your life!

Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.  ~Albert Schweitzer

Questions: What do you find is the most difficult part about deflecting rather than attacking in response? Please share so that we can help and support each other, and thanks so much for coming by!

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Sign up for updates and get my FREE ebook: Practicing Gratitude and Discovering Joy Just imagine. . .Responding with gratitude rather than grumbling, and enjoying more happiness and contentment. And rest assured I won't share your address!

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