Top Jokes Blog

Interview by NASA

2007-04-21T15:40:00.000+05:30

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip. Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question.

"Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research."

The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question.

"Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer.

"Why so much?" the interviewer inquired.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."

Sales Lead Management

2007-04-21T15:37:00.000+05:30

You should take a look at AIMpromote lead management system which has many enterprise-level features and web analytics software. I have heard that their lead management system is among the fastest growing provider in the market. The total cost of ownership of AIMpromote is far lower than competing products. They strive to provide the very best in customer support and business consultation. Their objective is to make their customers’ business grow as fast as possible and this is why so many users have chosen AIMpromote as their lead management solution. You should sign-up today and take advantage of a full featured free trial.

This is a Sponsored Presentation

True Definition of Globalization

2007-04-20T20:22:00.000+05:30

Question: What is the true definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal.....

That, my friend, is Globalization!

Online Coupons

2007-04-20T20:18:00.000+05:30

Coupon Chief(my favorite online store to shop at with coupon codes) has some of the best online coupons one can ever get. They offer coupons for websites as good as Sony Music Store. Coupon Chief strives to provide a one stop coupon deal and discount resource for their users. Their focus on customer support and providing up to date coupon codes, promotional deals and discounts is unparalleled in the online shopping e-commerce industry. They constantly add new merchants, coupon codes, promotion codes, and offers to their database and this is what is different in them from the rest of the industry.

This is a Sponsored Presentation.

Dedication to One's Work

2007-04-19T10:34:00.000+05:30

This is what u call dedication to one's work...

World's Funniest 2 Photographs

2007-04-19T10:07:00.000+05:30

The first photo was taken when the Chinese president went to US.

The second photo was taken when Bush went to China.

Drug Addiction Treatment

2007-04-19T10:03:00.000+05:30

Drug rehab is a very long process for every Drug Addicted person. It is almost a no-win situation if not taken care of properly. But the people at Stone Hawk are just the right people who can deal with people looking for alcoholism treatment. They have many addiction treatment programs available to help make recovery attainable and sustainable. The long climb from the bottom can be a hard try, but Stone Hawk programs can help a person a lot and make the people realize the benefits of living a healthy drug-free life. They have even gathered articles on addiction recovery to help you friend and family understand the recovery process.

This is a Sponsored Post.

Where Am I?

2007-04-19T09:41:00.000+05:30

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a Technically correct but completely useless answer."

Hi-Tech Conversation

2007-04-19T09:34:00.000+05:30

OK, now this is hilarious!

Husband: Hi Dear, I am logged in.

Wife: Would you like to have some snacks?
Husband: Hard disk full.

Wife: Have you brought the stuff which i asked for?
Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I told you about it in the morning!
Husband: Syntax error, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife: Oh my God! Forget it, where's your salary?
Husband: File in use, read only. try after some time.

Wife: At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing violation, access denied.

Wife: I made a mistake in marrying you!
Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless!
Husband: By default.

Wife: Who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband: System unstable. Press ctrl, alt, del to reboot.

Wife: What is my value in your life?
Husband: Unknown virus detected.

Wife: Do you love me or your computer?!
Husband: Too many parameters.

Wife: I will go to my dad's house!
Husband: Program performed illegal operation, it will close.

Wife: I will leave you forever!
Husband: Close all programs and log out for another user.

Wife: It's worthless talking to you!
Husband: Shut down the computer.

Wife: I am going!!!
Husband: It is now safe to turn off your computer.

Call for Annie Wan

2007-04-15T16:11:00.000+05:30

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree…
Caller: Oh… God!!

Why Lawyers should never ask a question

2007-04-15T16:02:00.000+05:30

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Franklin. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know the defense lawyer?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Shalon since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense lawyer almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both Lawyers to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you foolish asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt of court."

Vote For Us!

2007-04-15T13:09:00.000+05:30

Vote For Us Today!

We have been nominated in the Blogger's Choice Awards! This can be a great "you vote for us, we'll vote for you" kinda thing. You will need to set up a user account and at that point you can either submit your own blog for votes or do the next best thing...vote for Top Jokes Blog. Thank you to all who are voting. If you also have a blog nominated please let us know that you voted for us and leave your blog address in the comment section and we will also vote for you.

A Perfect Golf Shot

2007-04-13T18:11:00.001+05:30

Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity. He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't start his swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snow ball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

A Helpful Friend

2007-04-13T17:17:00.000+05:30

Lewis had a crush on a beautiful girl. Unknown to Lewis, his friend Johnny also liked the girl and was upset that Lewis was able to talk to her and get to know her so easily. Lewis finally decided he would make a bold move. He told the girl that for her 21st birthday he would send her a red rose for each year. He thought that it would really impress the girl and win her heart to him.

After Lewis ordered the flowers, Johnny stopped by the flower shop and told the florist he wanted to increase the order by another dozen flowers for his friend.

Lewis never did find out what made the beautiful girl so angry that she would not speak to him.

Patient Enquiry

2007-04-12T16:06:00.000+05:30

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator replied, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

Hospital Gown

2007-04-12T16:00:00.000+05:30

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Jonah in Heaven or Hell

2007-04-12T15:23:00.000+05:30

A young girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher told her that it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human because whales have a very small throat for such a huge mammal. The young girl reminded her teacher that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a man.

The young girl then said, "Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

With that the teacher stated, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

"Well," the little girl replied, "then you can ask him."

Religious Horse

2007-04-12T15:22:00.000+05:30

A missionary in the desert finds a lost man and takes him to his house where he nurses him back to health. When the man is feeling better, he asks the missionary if he could borrow his horse to ride into town.

The missionary replies, "Yes, but this is a special horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go, and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man acknowledges his understanding.

The man mounts the horse and says, "Thank God." The horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God," and the horse starts running full speed. Soon the man sees a cliff coming up and he tries to stop the horse. He hollers everything he can think of, such as "Whoa, stop," etc. Nothing works.

Finally he remembers what the missionary said and hollers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle, wipes his brow, and says, "Thank God."

To Be 6 Again

2007-04-11T10:52:00.000+05:30

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again, " she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got up early, made her a big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to the local theme park. He put her on every ride in the park.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

They went to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then he took her to a movie, bought her a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

Mommy Test

2007-04-11T10:51:00.000+05:30

My four-year-old daughter and I were taking a walk when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to and she asked me "Why?"

"Because, Honey, it's been laying outside on the ground and is dirty and has germs on it."

She looked at me in amazement and asked, "Wow, how do you know all that stuff?"

Thinking quickly, I said, "Because it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know this stuff or you can't be a mommy."

She pondered that information for a minute or two, and said, "Oh, I get it! If you flunk you have to be the daddy!"

The Tale of Two Bats

2007-04-11T10:31:00.001+05:30

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere myself." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

The Rabbit and the Butcher

2007-04-11T10:30:00.000+05:30

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?"

The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says, "have you got any cabbages?"

The butcher, getting annoyed, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!"

The rabbit hops off. But the next day it hops into the butchers again and again asks "have you got any cabbages?"

The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any damn cabbages! If you come in here again asking for cabbages I'm will nail your ears to the floor!"

The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.

The next day it hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?"

The butcher replies angrily, "NO"
"Okay," says the rabbit with a grin, "what about cabbages?"

God Loves Blondes

2007-04-10T17:02:00.001+05:30

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

A Lawyer named Strange

2007-04-10T17:00:00.000+05:30

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Blog Comment Chain World Record Attempt

2007-04-10T16:30:00.000+05:30

Well this may sound a bit weird but you should checkout what the people at PayPerPost Blog came up with. They are trying to get people to post comments on a blog post to create a place in the Guinness World Records for the longest blog comment chain ever! They are aiming for a minimum of 2,000 "unique human generated comments of 25 words or more each generated within 1 week of the original post."

Of course there are some rules set for the comments record to be valid. The author cannot contribute more than 10 percent of total posts. Each participant has to write a comment having a minimum of 25 words and also, the commenter has to comment within 1 week of the original post.

Well I would be very much interested to see how far this goes because this is being done for the first time in the internet's history. Have you ever heard of this type of a record being set in the Guinness World Records? At least that's not the case with me. If you have heard about anything like this please comment here so that I can know about it. Also please mention if it was official or not.