A man entered a Nevada house of ill repute and announced, “I’m offering $20,000 to any woman here who will come into the desert with me and do it my way!” One lady agreed and off they went, into the desert. After about an hour of fairly standard lovemaking, she got curious. “Now, exactly what is ‘your way’?” He replied, “On credit!”

The Rabbi in a small town in the old country died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was disconsolate for months until the people of the village decided she should remarry. The town was so small that it only had one eligible bachelor, the butcher. The Rebbetzin was concerned because she had been wed to a scholar, but this butcher had little education. But, as she was lonely, she agreed, and soon they were married. After the marriage, on the next Friday she went to the mikvah and then home to light the candles. Her new husband leaned over and said, “My mother taught me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. She then lit the candles and he again leaned over to her and whispered, “My father taught me that after lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After saying their prayers, they went to bed, but when they awoke the next morning, he said, “My grandmother taught me that before going to synagogue, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered, “My grandfather taught me that after praying, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. On Sunday she went shopping and ran into an old friend who asked, “So? How is the new husband?” She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex

Shopping for a gift for his wife, a man asked the perfume clerk to show him some “really nice perfume.” She brought out a bottle costing $150. “Whoa! That’s a lot of money,” he moaned. “Maybe something that’s just a little less nice?” So she showed him a bottle that cost $100. “That’s still too much,” he complained. “Can you show me something really cheap?” So the clerk brought out a mirror!

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Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover. She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen …the works. Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman — literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new “body work.” When the exam was finished, he called her in. “Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis.” Bambi looked puzzled. “Osteo–what?” “Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s.” Bambi giggled, blushed and said, “Oh, really, Doc. You’ve seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!”

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Four old geezers came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes and were exhausted. The pro asked if they had a good game and the first old guy said, “Pretty good. I had three riders today.” The second old guy said, “I had five riders.” The third old man said, “I had seven riders, same as last time.” The fourth said, “I beat my old record. I had twelve riders. I’ll buy!” After they shuffled into the bar, another member said to the pro, “I’ve played golf for years and thought I knew all the lingo, but what in the heck is a ‘rider’?” The pro replied, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get back in the golf cart and ride to it!”

Caddyshack

One hot, dry, dusty day, the sheriff sat outside the jail with his chair tilted back, his feet up on a barrel, and his hat pulled nearly down over his eyes. He watched as an old cowhand rode into town and stopped at the saloon, directly across from him. The cowboy wearily dismounted, tied his horse to the rail, moved to the rear of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss right below it. He then dropped the horse’s tail and headed into the saloon. “Hold it right there, mister!” said the sheriff, climbing out of his chair. “Did I just see what I think I saw?” The cowpoke turned to the sheriff and explained, “Yup, I reckon ya did, Sheriff. But I kin explain. Ya see, I got me some powerful chapped lips.” “And horse manure cures ‘em?” asked the sheriff incredulously. “Nope,” drawled the cowboy, “but it shore will keep ya from lickin’ em!”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? Blazing Saddles (30th Anniversary Special Edition)

God saw the rascally behavior on Earth so He told an angel to go down and check things out. When the angel returned, he said, “You’re right. It is bad down there. 95% of the people misbehave and only 5% are good.” God considered this but wanted a second opinion. So He sent down a second angel. When he returned, he said, “You were right, that other angel was wrong. It’s 99% bad and only 1% good down there.” God was so displeased that He emailed the 1% to encourage them to keep them being good. Do you know what that email said? No? Yeah, I didn’t get one either!

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Oh, God!

A guy sitting in the Atlanta airport bar couldn’t ignore the beautiful woman sitting nearby. “She must be a flight attendant,” he thought, “so gorgeous. But which airline?” He leaned over and uttered the Delta slogan, “Love to fly and it shows?” She gave him a blank, confused stare. Hmm, not Delta. Maybe American? “Something special in the air?” She gave the same confused look. Not American. United? “I’d love to fly your friendly skies.” The woman had had enough. “What the f*?k do you want?” The man smiled. “Ah. Air France!”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Airplane! (Don’t Call Me Shirley! Edition)

A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, “You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now you take the larger one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more.” “Nonsense,” replied Fred. “You cook better now!”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss Asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” The blonde replies, “Early This morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.”

“Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, And I have the best chance of doing that here..”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

“What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks. “No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”