Total Film Features

The 9 Greatest Movies Never Made

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 13:03:34 GMT

A Straw Dogs remake starring the cast of Superman Returns is grinding into production.

Which, we're sure you'll agree, is a terrible idea.

So here's 9 amazing/awful movies that fell apart before they hit our screens.

Fingers crossed that the Straw Dogs rehash goes the same way...

1. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2000)

The Victims: Johnny Depp, Jean Rochefort, Vanessa Paradis, Terry Gilliam (director).

The Gist: A stressed-out modern-day ad executive finds himself transported back in time to the age of Cervantes’ eccentric, windmill-tilting hero.

The Death Blow: First of all, there were scheduling conflicts. Then there were set-destroying flash floods. Then there was Rochefort’s nasty prostate problem that made it impossible for him to sit astride a horse – a bit of a problem given that his Quixote is on horseback for most of the movie.

This proved too much for the insurance adjusters, who shut the production down.

Were We Denied Or Saved? If the footage revealed by 2003’s on-set documentary Lost In La Mancha is anything to go by, it’s very much the former. Hopefully, Gilliam’s dream of buying the film back from the insurers and starting again will one day come true.

Next: The Bells Of Hell Go Ting-A-Ling-A-Ling

2. The Bells Of Hell Go Ting-A-Ling-A-Ling (1966)

The Victims: Gregory Peck, Ian McKellen, David Baxter, David Miller (director).

The Gist: A squad of British airmen attempt to smuggle plane parts into enemy territory with the aim of reassembling them and attacking German targets.

The Death Blow: “It was a disaster,” laughs Sir Ian McKellen, when asked about his first experience of moviemaking. “After five weeks of filming, the Alpine summer was invaded by early snow, which was forecast to persist through the following six months.

“The shooting was already well behind schedule so [producers] the Mirisch brothers decided to abandon the film and send us home.”

Were We Denied Or Saved? The film sounds like a complete dud. However, had it been finished, it might have convinced McKellen to dedicate himself to screen acting far earlier, which could only have been a good thing.

Next: Dark Blood

3. Dark Blood (1993)

The Victims: River Phoenix, Judy Davis, Jonathan Pryce, George Sluizer (director).

The Gist: Travelling across the Arizona desert, a married couple (Davis and Pryce) encounter a strange young man (Phoenix) living on a nuclear test site where he has made two dolls that have special powers…

The Death Blow: By the early ’90s, River Phoenix had lost all interest in playing the Hollywood star game, which is why he signed up for this low-budget Britflick.

Tragically, a few weeks in to the shoot, River Phoenix collapsed and died outside LA’s Viper Room club. An autopsy revealed that the caffeine-abstaining, militant vegan had taken a massive overdose of cocaine and heroin.

Were We Denied Or Saved? Producer Nik Powell considered Phoenix’s performance to represent a career high. It at least would have been interesting to see whether the friction between Phoenix and co-star Davis came through the lens…

Next: Something's Got To Give

4. Something’s Got To Give (1962)

The Victims: Marilyn Monroe, Dean Martin, Cyd Charisse, George Cukor (director).

The Gist: Nick Arden (Martin) thinks his wife Ellen (Monroe) is dead. Rather, he does until she turns up seven years later to find he’s just remarried.

The Death Blow: Monroe’s tardiness, together with her drug-induced grogginess forced director George Cukor to fire his star. Since there was no substitute, however, Marilyn’s chances of a recall were good. Until she put the kibosh on things once and for all by passing away under suspicious circumstances.

Were We Denied Or Saved? What little exists of Something’s Got To Give was recently issued as part of a Monroe DVD box set. And very ugly viewing it is, too. Still, this one could have been the greatest film ever made if it had inspired Monroe to clean up...

Next: The Other Side Of The Wind

5. The Other Side of the Wind (1970)

The Victims: John Huston, Peter Bogdanovich, Orson Welles (director)

The Gist: An ageing director (Huston) embarks on an ambitious project. So, in no way autobiographical then.

The Death Blow: In his search for international backers, Welles wound up borrowing money from the brother-in-law of the Shah of Iran. It must have seemed like a smart move at the time, but the upshot was he lost his rights to work on the picture following 1979’s Islamic Revolution. The film became the property of the Ayatollah Khomeini who, hardly being renowned as a movie fan, declined to release the footage.

Were We Denied Or Saved? “It’s an incredible film,” comments the film’s star Peter Bogdanovich. “It’s quite unlike anything anyone had attempted before.”

Next: William Tell

6. William Tell (1953)

The Victims: Errol Flynn, Bruce Cabot, Waltraut Haas, Jack Cardiff (director)

The Gist: Blacksmith shoots apple placed atop his son’s head and, naturally, becomes Switzerland’s greatest hero.

The Death Blow: Once the biggest name in Hollywood, Errol Flynn was in dire need of a hit by 1953. He sank $500,000 of his own fortune into William Tell, securing further financing from an Italian nobleman, Count Fossataro. With a third of the film shot, it emerged that Fossataro was a fraud. Repo men appeared on set and cameras were auctioned to pay off the production’s debt.

Were We Denied Or Saved? If it would have ensured Flynn didn’t go on to make Cuban Rebel Girls, it would have been completely worthwhile.

Next: My Best Friend's Birthday

7. My Best Friend’s Birthday (1986)

The Victims: Craig Hamann, Quentin Tarantino (director/star)

The Gist: Mickey (Hamann) is devastated when his girl leaves him on his birthday. Determined to cheer his best friend up, Clarence (Tarantino) vows to show Mickey the best birthday ever.

The Death Blow: In 1986, Tarantino was an LA video-store worker who dedicated much of his spare time to making this, his first feature film. Unfortunately, the first batch of film was completely out of sync and a later reel was destroyed in a lab fire. Tarantino redirected his efforts towards acting and screenwriting; he wrote True Romance the following year.

Were We Denied Or Saved? QT told a documentary crew he finds the film “pretty embarrassing”, and since he's pretty hard to embarrass, we're sure this would have been a camp classic.

Next: I, Claudius

8. I, Claudius (1937)

The Victims: Charles Laughton, Flora Robson, Merle Oberon, Josef von Sternberg (director).

The Gist: In his twilight years, the Emperor Claudius (Laughton) reflects on a life lived in a Rome that was every bit as grand as it was deceitful.

The Death Blow: Josef von Sternberg hated Charles Laughton. He became so desperate to quit the picture that, when Laughton’s co-star Merle Oberon received superficial wounds in a road accident, he exaggerated the injuries to producer Alexander Korda and walked out, forcing the studio to abandon the half-finished film.

Were We Denied Or Saved? Despite Laughton’s reservations, the I, Claudius fragments that appear on the documentary The Epic that Never Was suggest it would have been one of the great films of the '30s.

Next: Mata Hari

9. Mata Hari (1978)

The Victims: Calista Carradine, David Carradine (director)

The Gist: In the Netherlands, a girl is born, grows to maturity and becomes the infamous German spy of World War One legend. In glorious real time!

The Death Blow: The plan was for David Carradine to shoot footage every year to capture his daughter, Calista, maturing. Designed to span 20 years, Mata Hari ought to have hit screens during the summer of 1998.

Were We Denied Or Saved? Definitely denied. It's an incredible concept that would have made a groundbreaking film that would have served as a fine legacy to Carradine.

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What If... James Cameron Directed Twilight?

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 08:52:30 GMT

This year’s San Diego Comic Con looks to feature two truly huge events – the panel for New Moon and another for James Cameron’s Avatar.

Last year, the Twilight panel was such a big event that fans queued the day before to get into the legendarily busy Hall H and the screams for the cast members raised the roof.

The reaction was so big that organisers have now shifted the timing of the Avatar panel so that Twilighters (Twi-hards? Twiglets?) don’t camp out and stop Cameron fanatics getting in to see the first footage from the movie.

With that in mind, we decided to combine the two and see what Twilight would be like if James Cameron got a shot at making it…

The Original: Bella Swan arrives in Forks, Washington to begin a new life with her father so that her mother can travel with her baseball-playing hubby.

She meets old friend Jacob Black and tries to fit in at her new school.

At the same time, we see the Cullen Clan – including Edward – hunting a deer.

JC Comment: “This is no way to introduce your characters!”

The James Cameron Version: Guns N Roses music plays on a boombox as Bella arrives at her new school.

Realising she’s left her lunchbox at home, and that she doesn’t have any lunch money, she goes to the nearest ATM, hooks it up to a laptop, types in some random numbers and watches as it spits out dollar bills.

This shows us she’s independent, intelligent and a bit edgy.

Meanwhile, Edward is in the woods, standing in front of a deer.

“Give me your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle,” Edward says.

The deer looks at him, perplexed, before running off into a clearing. Edward frowns, snaps off a branch from a nearby tree and speed-walks after the deer.

Next: The First Meeting

[Page-Break]

The Original: Bella and Edward have the traditional “meet-cute”, or, in Twilight’s case, “meet-strained-and-awkward” as Edward arrives in Bella’s class and immediately starts smelling her blood like a randy puppy smelling another dog’s bum.

Unable to control his rising feelings of A) lust B) love and C) hunger, Edward flees, leaving Bella to wonder just why the weirdoes must always sit near her.

JC Comment: “I don’t buy it for a minute. It needs something to increase the intensity.”

The James Cameron Version: Bella is trying to settle into class when Edward arrives. Inspired by the new arrival, their teacher asks Edward if he has any special talents to show his new classmates.

Edward withdraws a huge hunting knife and proceeds to stab between Bella’s fingers with lightning-fast speed.

When he accidentally nicks her middle finger and proceeds to suck the wound dry, before throwing up and running out of class, Bella still wonders why the weirdoes must always sit next to her.

Next: The Van Danger

[Page-Break]

The Original: Bella is standing in the school parking lot, seemingly oblivious to the world around her thanks to her iPod and her obsession with Edward.

She doesn’t notice a van that has skidded out of control and is roaring towards her.

With his lightning-fast undead responses, Edward sweeps across the lot, crouches in front of her and stops the van with one hand, denting the surface.

JC Comment: “The actual stunt with Bella and Edward is kind of cool, but it could be bigger. Much bigger.”

The James Cameron Version: A van is speeding towards Bella. Edward screeches into view on a massive Harley. He’s twirling a stake round and round in one hand, no-one knows why.

He outruns the van, swoops Bella off her feet and plonks her behind him on the bike.

Then, still driving, he turns and chucks the stake at the van. It smashes through the windscreen, and the van veers out of control, hitting a wall and exploding.

Edward stops the motorcycle, but never takes his eyes of the wreckage. Something starts to move towards him, and Edward pulls out another stake.

But it’s only a wheel. How did Edward ever think that a wheel was a person or a vampire or whatever? Edward puts the stake back in his pocket.

“I love you Edward,” says Bella.

“I know now why you cry,” Edward replies. They speed off into the sunset.

Next: The Tree Date

[Page-Break]

The Original: Bella and Edward go for a flit through the woods, with him leaping from tree to tree and her breathless on his back.

They end up at a wooded glade, whereupon Bella truly discovers what Edward is and that, unlike the stinky usual vampires, he doesn’t burst into flame in sunlight, he just glitters like a gemstone.

JC Comment: “This scene is nowhere near groundbreaking enough!”

The James Cameron Version: Bella and Edward are in the trees.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Edward starts banging on about how important the massive oaks are, and how we should look after nature and how, really, when you think about it, human beings are the real monsters.

Realising he’s boring Bella, Edward decides to impress her by running really fast through the trees like a Na’vi might. The shot cuts to a first person perspective view of Edward jumping from branch to branch really quickly.

This scene all happens in fully immersive 3D, which makes you feel like you’re watching a dream. The sort of dream you don’t really remember when you wake up.

Edward and Bella are replaced by CGI versions of themselves, but no-one notices because that’s how good the special effects are.

Next: The Werewolf History

[Page-Break]

The Original: Bella visits the La Push reservation with her mates, Jacob and two boys from his tribe.

When Bella hears the Quileute lads slagging off Edward, she asks what the problem is and they explain the tortured history between their wolf-descended tribe and the Cullen clan.

JC Comment: “Not bad, but I think more can be made of the flashback.”

The James Cameron Version: We cut to a post-apocalyptic landscape. A gang of werewolves appear at the top of a hill which is covered in human skulls. It’s really dark, but searchlights are coming from somewhere.

Eerie music that sounds like a giant metal whale shrugging its shoulders plays in the background and everything is really atmospheric.

Suddenly, we cut to a close-up of a human skull. A big hairy foot smashes down on it, crunching it into cats’ teeth.

We quickly cut to a reveal of the Cullens, hiding behind a wrecked car.

“It’s now or never,” Edward says. He’s got a massive scar running down his face that’ll probably heal up at some point.

“Let’s do this,” Charlie Cullen says, and the brothers run out from their hiding place, straight towards the werewolves...

Next: James And Co Stalk Bella

[Page-Break]

The Original: Edward invites Bella to hang out with the Cullens during one of their basketball games.

The vampires show off their superhuman leaping and speed skills while sinking baskets until evil vampire James – alongside cohorts Victoria and Laurent – show up to spoil their fun and threaten Bella.

The Cullens and James’ gang have a snarly standoff, but eventually Carlisle Cullen orders the villains to leave. They do, but promise to hunt Bella.

JC Comment: “Boooring. I can see scope for at least one more set piece here.”

The James Cameron Version: A close-up of a basketball that has just been thrown high into the air.

Suddenly, a gunshot rings out and pierces the basketball, which plops to the ground, at Edward’s feet. We pan up from the ground onto Edward’s annoyed face.

We cut to James, who’s holding a smoking Desert Eagle. We cut back to Edward. He pulls out his gun.

“No Edward,” Bella screams. “You promised you wouldn’t kill anybody!”

Edward turns to Bella, “Trust me,” he says.

He turns back to James and his mates, and proceeds to shoot them all in their legs.

No-one dies, but everyone is really annoyed, and they promise to hunt Bella, before dragging themselves off into the woods, slowly.

Next: The Final Fight

[Page-Break]

The Original: Bella, fearing for her life from nasty human-hunting vampire James, flees to Phoenix.

But James is too smart for her, and lures her into a trap at, um, a ballet school, by claiming he has her mother hostage.

He attacks Bella, and bites her wrist, but Edward and his family arrive to save her in the nick of time.

JC Comment: “Okay, that’s total BS. I don’t buy that this headstrong, independent girl would suddenly get that stupid and that weak. I’m going to switch it up.”

The James Cameron Version: Bella travels to Phoenix, but along the way she gets training from some desert militia who buff her into perfectly muscled action-girl status and train her to use every gun ever invented.

When James shows up, Bella blasts him into vamp-ashes with a chain gun. Edward arrives and Bella slings him over her shoulder to take him to prom, which she attends in a ratty vest top and combat troos.

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15 Most Atrocious Movie Accents

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:16:32 GMT

In the world of movie accents, there are many brogues that'll burst blood vessels in your brain with their ill spoken and inaccurate execution.

Among these atrocious accents, there are a handful of performers who, refusing to learn the lessons of ridicule, return to ruin native tongues with often alarming regularity.

And so it has fallen to us at totalfilm.com to name and shame these consistently confused characters who keep throwing caution to the wolves and butchering brogues.

This means there is no place on our list for some of cinemas most famously atrocious accents; Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, Julia Roberts in Mary Reilly, Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's - because these criminals against language were only one-time offenders.

Join us then for a look at the 15 Most Atrocious Movie Accents from folks who should know better;

Nicolas Cage - Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001)

Going For:

Non-Regional Italian.

Actually Is: Joe Dolce singing “Shaddap You Face” in an advert for Ragu pasta sauce.

Cage plays the Captain Antonio Corelli of the title, an irrepresibly jovial chap who livens up parties by pulling out his tiny instrument and strumming it to the delight of the crowd.

He falls in love with Penelope Cruz's dazzling local beauty, who is engaged to a local fisherman, played by Christian Bale. John Hurt is in it too, begging the question; weren't there any actual Italians available?

Phonetic Phrasing: "Bella bambeeenah at-ah two-ah o-clock-ah" (1:05 in the trailer) he sounds like this the whole way through. You've been a-warned-ah.

Other Offenses: Con Air (Southern American) – “Put the bunnay bayck in the bawx"

Next: Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise

Brad Pitt - Seven Years In Tibet (1997)

Going For: Austrian

Actually Is: A child who bit off his own tongue trying to recreate a scene from the Allo Allo repeat he caught last night.

The obvious choice for famed German mountaineer, explorer and all-around Aryan poster boy Henrich Harrer was the guy from the Levi's ad. You know the guy.

Sick of starring in solid american thrillers like Seven and Twelve Monkeys, Pitt was looking for a challange, something to make the critics stand up and respect his abilities as an actor... this was not that something.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Shat aap" (0:40 in the clip) - If he dragged those vowels out a bit, he'd be a cockney hooligan.

Other Offenses: The Devil’s Own (Oirish), Meet Joe Black (Jamaican?)

Tom Cruise - Far And Away (1995)

Going For: Working Class Irish

Actually Is: The Leprechaun from the “Lucky Charms” cereal commercial, as directed by Ron Howard.

Every actor in the Hollywoods can do an Oirish accent. Tom Cruise is one of them. Of course, it sounds nothing like real Irish, but they won't be convinced otherwise. Nope, they can all do it. It's easy... riiight.

In this tale of Irish immegrants looking to make a better life in the good old U.S of A, Cruise proves that the only Irish accents he's ever heard are the ones mangled by other Hollywood actors.

He is successful though, in making every other non-Irish actor in the film sound half-convincing. Thank Hubbard for small, Cruise-sized victories.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Dees peepol arr mye kynd o' peepol" (0:05 in the clip) - on the strength of this we're half expecting him to shout "Top o'the morning to ya" then do a jig. Oh yeah, he does.

Other Offenses: Valkyrie (German – he doesn’t try)

Next: Gerard Butler, Jason Statham

Gerard Butler - 300 (2006)

Going For: Should have been Greek - most others attempt RP

Actually Is: A recently celibate Glaswegian mugger after a six-pack of special brew.

When you spend 6 months lifting so many wieghts even your muscles' muscles have muscles, you're hardly going to have time for any dialogue coaching.

In this tale of the 300 Spartans who stood up to the million stong might of the Persian army, the emphasis was clearly on protein shakes and pumping iron, and left the actors no time to decide how a Spartan might speak.

So instead we get all these semi-RP efforts, and Butler's snarling King Leonidas, who makes it sound like Sparta is located somewhere in the middle of a Glasgow housing estate.

Phonetic Phrasing: "THISH ISH SHPARTAAAA!!!" (0:44 in the clip) Followed by enough spittle to sink the Persian fleet single-handedly.

Other Offenses: PS I Love You (Dublin Irish)

Jason Statham - The Transporter (2002)

Going For: American? English?

Actually Is: Your drunk cockney uncle doing a John Wayne impression.

As much as we love him, Statham is no Shakespearean prodigy. His grasp of the Queen's english extends about as far as the audible range of the Beau Bells. Whoever decided he should try an accent was 'avin a giraffe.

As Frank Martin, the titular transporter, former Special Forces operative and all around bad-ass, Statham is about as comfy as a cat on a cushion, until he opens his 'gang and mob'.

The resulting squawk was so painful they dropped the pretence for the sequels and made him British. If only they'd watched The One, they'd never have bothered in the first place. Love you Jason, don't kill us please.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Ruule wan, neva change tha deel" (2:40 in the clip) Of course, the Stath is so cool you barely notice what he's saying, never mind that his accent is atrocious, you just sort of marvel at his awesomeness.

Other Offenses:The One (Non-Regional American) War (Non- Regional American)

Next: Heather Graham, Sean Connery

Heather Graham - From Hell (2001)

Going For: Cocker-knee.

Actually Is: Eliza Doolittle trying to spit bird shit out of her mouth.

Heather Graham plays East London prostitute and Jack the Ripper fodder Mary Kelly, in a film largely shot in London and Prague, which leads us to wonder what made her the natural choice for the role.

Perhaps the Hughes Brothers saw Boogie Nights and thought, "Hmm, porn star... that's kinda like prostitute, let's cast her". What ever the reason, there is little excuse for unleashing this accent-based Hell on cinema.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Yoo 'ad vishins abaaite me?" (0:40 in the trailer) Notice how the trailer barely lets us hear her say a word? Like they're saying, "Okay Heather Graham is in this turkey, but we ain't letting you hear her God-forsaken accent for free, you'll have to pay like all the other schmos."

Other Offenses: Miss Conception (London British)

Sean Connery - The Untouchables (1987)

Going For: Chicago

Actually Is: The reason James Bond never went undercover.

Connery's beat Policeman Malone is the only straight cop in a city paid-off by the mob, but only cos Capone and his cronies couldn't understand a single mumbled incoherent line.

Awarded with an Oscar for this "performance", the Academy were basically giving one massive middle finger to Denzel, Albert Brooks and Morgan Freeman, all of whom turned in performances free of accent atrocity.

Phonetic Phrasing: "He pullsh a knife, ewe pull a gunn" (0:35 in the trailer) What we forget to mention is that Sean Connery can do as he damn well pleases, why? Because he'sh Sean Connery, of coursh.

Other Offenses: The Hunt For Red October (Russian) Highlander (Spanish..?)

Next: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Costner

Cate Blanchett - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull (2008)

Going For: Russian

Actually Is: A scouser with a broken jaw trying to speak and eat their brekkie at the same time.

Dressed like an extra from happy-hour at Max Mosely's house, Blanchett gets away with this performance mostly unscathed because, er... anti-nuclear fridge, vine-swinging with monkeys and interdimensional aliens are too busy making us leave bloody knuckle prints on brick walls.

About as threatening as a 3am curry, Indy is hardly quaking in his boots in her presence, maybe it's cos the old fella is hard of hearing these days and can't understand a word she says. Lucky him.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Yoo vill fiynd eet" (0:09 in the trailer) In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary; come again?

Other Offenses: The Man Who Cried (Russian)

Kevin Costner - Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (1991)

Going For: English

Actually Is: An overpaid egotist who is too lazy to try and gives up the end of the first act - at least Christian Slater has a go. He fails, but God loves a trier.

Costner was aparantly determined to use an English accent, but when Kevin Reynolds heard the shambles of a mockery Costner was spouting, he wept openly for his career and told his leading man to use his own accent.

Phonetic Phrasing: "D'ya think that th' sherrif'll give everything bayck when ahm gawn?" (0:51) It's a wonder he doesn't greet folk by saying "Howdy pardner".

Other Offenses: Thirteen Days (The worst Boston accent ever committed to film)

Next: Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves

Russell Crowe - American Gangster (2007)

Going For: Noo Yawk

Actually Is: An Aussie who’s been punched in the throat by an angry ninja.

If Richie Roberts were dead, he'd roll in his grave and put his corpse fingers in his corpse ears everytime Crowe, who plays his fictional self, opens his trap. He isn't dead though, but he's got to be a bit miffed.

Crowe, sex-object of women the world over as Maximus in Gladiator, plays Roberts as an unlikeable, overweight bad father who can't catch a break let alone Denzel's Frank Lucas.

Hope when "totalfilm.com: the movie" is made, we aren't as unlikeable and amnesiac of accent.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Fraank Luucus is abave tha mafier" (1:07 in the trailer) Typical of Crowe's dialogue, it starts off Brooklyn, ends up Brisbane.

Other Offenses: Body of Lies (Southern American) The Quick and The Dead (Southern American) 3:10 to Yuma (Southern American)

Keanu Reeves - Youngblood (1986)

Going For: French-Canadian

Actually Is: A Californian with a bollock caught in his zipper.

Canoe's first film, this should have served as an orange alert for all casting agents looking for leading men with a flexible linguistic pallet.

Not only did world cinema ignore this kick-in-the-balls to the less than testicularly secure French Canadians, they wholly embraced it as a genius debut and went on to put him in every role requiring an English accent for the rest of the decade.

Phonetic Phrasing: "That maan, iz fuckeng an animaaal" (0:04 in the clip) They're laughing at you Canoe, not with you.

Other Offenses: Dangerous Liasons (RP), Much Ado About Nothing (RP), Dracula (RP), The Devil’s Advocate (Southern American)

Next: Meryl Streep, Laurence Olivier

Meryl Streep - Evil Angels (1988)

Going For: Northern Australian

Actually Is: Alf from "Home & Away" throwing a dingo on the barbie.

Hollywood is full of Australian actors, so much so that when it comes to filming a picture in Australia, about Australians, in a fact-based drama, it is neccessary to cast an American in the lead role.

Playing Lindy Chamberlain, the mother of a baby snatched by wild animals who was accused of murder, Streep comes across somewhere between Cath & Kim and Crocodile Dundee, with an accent straight out of a Castlemaine commercial.

Phonetic Phrasing: "I'd prifur ta go on with et, yer hona" (0:08 in the trailer) Yeah, and we'd prefer if you didn't.

Other Offenses: Out of Africa (Danish)

Laurence Olivier - The Jazz Singer (1980)

Going For: East Coast Jewish American

Actually Is: Mike Myers doing Barbara Streisand on Saturday Night Live.

Lampooned with hilarious results in the Simpsons episode where Krusty is reunited with his Rabbi father, Olivier's accent here sounds like someone doing an impression of someone taking the piss out of the East Coast Jewish accent.

Straining to intone every syllable with as much Sematic twang as possible, Sir Larry ends up so over the top he's back under again, and many other equally confusing analogies.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Eyee haff... no sonn" (2:12 in the clip) What's that Larry? Could barely hear you through the scenery you're chewing.

Other Offenses: The Boys From Brazil (German)

Next: Angelina Jolie, Don Cheadle

Angelina Jolie - Alexander (2004)

Going For: Russian/Persian/Greek/Something/Something

Actually Is: Highly embarrassing for everyone involved.

Oliver Stone's Alexander is hardly synonymous with awesome, but in a production plagued by ham acting, crap casting, shoddy haircuts and diabolical dialogue, dear old Angie stands out like a sore accent.

As Olympias, Alexander the Great's proto-stage-mother and orchestrater of his rise to power, Jolie is a tour de force of scenery chomping fury, like a starving stage actor, she munches on everything in sight, seemingly insatiable.

Phonetic Phrasing: "Een mie wombe i carriede mye avengerrrr!" (0:31) Er... what?

Other Offenses: Tomb Raider I & II (RP), Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow (RP)

Don Cheadle - Ocean's Eleven (2001)

Going For: Cocker-knee

Actually Is: Dick Van Dyke auditioning for The Italian Job after dropping acid.

In preparation for his role as explosives expert basher in Soderbergh's fun fun fun remake of the highly average rat pack original, Don Cheadle strapped himself to a chair and watched 96 hours of non-stop Michael Caine performances, in a scene reminisciant of something from The Parallax View.

Why someone thought Basher even needed to be cockney is anyone's guess.

We're assuming that Cheadle just turned up on set already doing it and in one of Clooney's better behind the scenes pranks, told everyone to tell Cheadle it was great and that he should "defo use it."

Phonetic Phrasing: "I feal grayte, fer a ded man" (1:39 in the trailer) Does he remind anyone else of the guy in Wayne's World II who says "I beat him to death with his own shoes... but that's another story" He does right!

Other Offenses: Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen (Both as above)

Any Atrocious Accents you love to hate? You know where to comment...

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10 Great Books That Could Be Movies

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 08:04:02 GMT

The Informers is out this week.

The '80s-set flick stars Mickey Rourke, Winona Ryder and an almost constantly naked Amber Heard. It's not exactly what we imagined when we read Bret Easton Ellis' searing short story collection, but it'll do.

And it's made us think about some other unlikely adaptations - the books that Hollywood probably put back on the shelf because they're a bit too difficult.

But if The Informers can make it to cinemas, surely this lot aren't too far away...

James Joyce: Dubliners

The Book: One of Joyce’s first published works, Dubliners is a collection of short stories providing an incisive illustration of Dublin at the beginning of the twentieth century.

With fifteen separate stories taking their turn, the book is driven by characters, not plots. Perfect for award-hungry actors.

The Movie: A showcase of Irish acting talent, and of non-Irish actors’ accent attempts, Dubliners will feature fifteen different storylines.

For better screen-to-audience translation, these will be linked together somehow, all threads making up one mother narrative. Think Magnolia, Amores Perros, Love Actually, etc.

Michael Gambon, Brendan Gleeson and Elaine Cassidy all star in grubby flat caps and tweed. It’s in black and white, set in an age before anyone could afford colour, and the streets are as grim as the expressions on the old fellers’ puckered mugs.

There will be Baftas.

Sample Dialogue:

Gabriel Byrne’s voice-over, as the camera pans over a snowy landscape:

“Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves.”

Cue the lone penny-whistle.

Next: The Wind Singer

William Nicholson: The Wind Singer

The Book: Supposedly a children’s book (pfft), The Wind Singer is the first in a fantasy-fiction trilogy, Wind On Fire.

It follows Kestrel, and her twin brother Bowman, as they attempt to escape the meritocratic regime of their native city, Aramanth, and find the voice of the mysterious Wind Singer, so that the city may be rid of the influence of the evil Morah.

It’s formulaic, sure – but has enough original tweaks to make it worth the adaptation.

The Movie: WETA’ll want to get their claws into this one. Worthy of a massive design team, the movie features scenes set in cavernous salt-mines and towering cities, canyons, sand-storms and forests.

It’ll need a big budget, or it’ll just look rubbish.

Kestrel, Bowman and their pathetic friend, Mumpo, are played by unknown child actors. It’s risky, as child-casting often is, and to be honest, their robotic, mouths-too-wide delivery will probably ruin the film.

They’ll look cool on the posters, though.

Sample Dialogue:

Kestrel (smashing the system): “I hate school! I hate ratings! I won't reach higher! I won't strive harder! I won't make tomorrow better than today!”

Next: Franny And Zooey

J.D. Salinger: Franny And Zooey

The Book: Initially published as a series in the New Yorker magazine, Franny and Zooey was released as a book in 1961, when it became an instant bestseller.

It explores the intricacies of the Glasses, a family of seven former child prodigies, and their relationships and internal angst. Apart from shedding light on the inner torment of over-analytical academics, it is primarily a philosophical tale of ennui and enlightenment.

The Movie: Kristen Stewart is Franny, a pallid, swooning student who flits between decadent malaise and Zen awakenings.

The film is aesthetically beautiful, set amongst the ‘50s East-Coast intellectual elite. The screen is awash with fur, rouge, chrome and nicotine.

There’s some wonderfully complex and wordy dialogue, which is almost as confusing as a conversation in Dawson’s Creek. Almost.

Wes Anderson directs with his eyes closed.

Sample Dialogue:

Franny: “I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I’m sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash.”

Next: Voice Of The Fire

Alan Moore: Voice of the Fire

The Book: Having contributed to some of the most popular comics ever written (From Hell, V for Vendetta, The Watchmen), Alan Moore turned his talents to the humble novel, penning Voice of the Fire in the mid-‘90s.

For a book set in Northampton, it’s not half bad. Spanning several millennia, from the Bronze age to the present day, it tells the story of twelve different people, in twelve different time periods.

The Movie: It’s a good opportunity for a load of British actors and film makers to join forces and go nuts with a myriad of different costumes, sets and opportunities for historical inaccuracy.

Tilda Swinton plays a witch who’s burned alive in 1705. Clive Owen is a Roman official. Some kid who’s the next Freddie Highmore/Daniel Radcliffe/Thomas Sangster plays a dark-ages grub in a shamanistic culture.

And, to cut down on the complaints from giant hairy wizards, Alan Moore is allowed to direct it himself.

Sample Dialogue:

Swinton (about to be burned alive): “I understand it now, that there has only ever been one fire, that blazed before the world began and shall not be put out until the world is done.”

Next: Martyn Pig

Kevin Brooks: Martyn Pig

The Book: OK, so this is another one that’s supposed to be a “children’s” book, but holy mackerel, is it gory. Martyn Pig is one messed-up kid.

He accidentally kills his dad. Accidentally.

Now, if you accidentally killed your dad, you’d pretty much have one option (two if you’re a little slow). A. You dial 999. B. (The slow one) you get a grown-up to dial 999.

Martyn goes for option C. He lets the corpse decompose for a while whilst pretending everything’s fine. It’s only when the house starts to really stink that he disposes of the body. And gets away with it.

The Movie: Fincher tackles this macabre adaptation, which is set primarily within the claustrophobic confines of Pig’s house.

The film lingers on the lengthy decay of the body, with the atmosphere, mis-en-scene and lighting getting evermore grotty and stifling as the film progresses. It’s sickmaking cinema. In a good way.

Sample Dialogue:

Martyn (v/o): “So, there I was, about to present Aunty Jean to her dead brother, hoping I could get away with pretending that he was ill in bed, asleep. Not dead, just sleeping.”

Next: Esio Trot

Roald Dahl: Esio Trot

The Book: Far gentler than most on this list, Esio Trot is the story of Mr Hoppy, an old man, in love with Mrs Silver. Mrs Silver lives in a flat below with her pet tortoise, Alfie.

The story follows Mr Hoppy’s attempts to win Mrs Silver’s hand in marriage. These attempts involve an elaborate magic tortoise scam. Well, if he’d just asked her to dinner it wouldn’t have been much of a story, would it?

The Movie: Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet, the film has an arts-and-crafts feel to it. Flicking between animated felt collages and real-life, it slightly over-indulges on the tortoise theme, but we enjoy it anyway.

It’s quaint and family-friendly, without the syrupy sentimentality usually associated with these sorts of films.

Sample Dialogue:

Mrs Silver (after having accepted Mr Hoppy’s marriage proposal): “It’s all due to Alfie.”

Mr Hoppy: “Good old Alfie. We’ll keep him forever.”

Next: Generation X

Douglas Coupland: Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture

The Book: Coupland’s first novel, Generation X spoke for a generation, offering an insight into the concerns of young people who’d grown up in a world which was changing way too fast.

It features a group of friends who try to make sense of the Big Mac Generation. They recount various stories about the world to one another, and it's through these stories that the reader acquires a portrait of the modern-day youth of America.

The Movie: Told as a frame-narrative, the film is littered with flashbacks to different episodes of the characters’ lives.

Zooey Deschanel is Claire, friends with office worker Dag, and protagonist Andy (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt). The film is understated and satirical – the type that’s going to gain cult DVD status among students.

Richard Linklater directs, in an update of his Dazed And Confused template.

Sample Dialogue:

"When someone tells you they’ve just bought a house, they might as well tell you they no longer have a personality."

Next: The Wasp Factory

Iain Banks: The Wasp Factory

The Book: It’s dark. It’s really dark.

Frank is a very troubled young man. Living an isolated existence on a Scottish island with only his father for company, his life is an endless cycle of pagan ritual and animal sacrifice.

His older brother, Eric, has escaped from an insane asylum and is on the way home.

Oh yeah, and, by the by (cos that’s how it’s revealed in the book), Frank has previously murdered three children. In case you're interested.

The Movie: Only M. Night Shyamalan could deliver the book’s final plot twist with enough gravity and clout.

Because, although Frank has lived his whole life believing that he has been disfigured as a result of a penis-devouring dog (not a euphemism), he finds out that he’s actually a girl, and that his father has been feeding him testosterone as a sort of experiment.

Cheers dad.

The whole film is shot within a small window of the colour spectrum (blue and darker blue). It’s a psychological horror, with a healthy dose of gore and apocalyptic dread.

Sample Dialogue:

Frank: “That's my score to date. Three. I haven't killed anybody for years, and don't intend to ever again. It was just a stage I was going through.”

Next: Thief Of Time

Terry Pratchett: Thief of Time

The Book: One of the popular Discworld series, Thief of Time is the story of Time (a character)’s imprisonment, which causes time (the abstract concept) to stand still.

With the aid of Lu-Tze, Lobsang, Susan Death, and her father, er, Death, equilibrium is restored to the Discworld, though not until Pratchett has thrown a fair whack of adventure, magic and comedy into the mix.

And – thankfully – it’s the type of comedy which is actually funny.

The Movie: After the TV adaptation of The Hogfather, it’s obvious that the Discworld has widespread appeal.

Thief of Time, however, will be bigger, and better.

With Terry Gilliam in the director’s chair, scenes will be over-colourful and over-cluttered, though we’ll excuse the excess, because he’s Terry Gilliam, and that’s what he does.

Helena Bonham-Carter will use her electric-shock hair to its full potential as the feisty Susan, and the rest of the cast will be a mélange of dwarves, Jim Henson puppets and ugly character actors.

Sample Dialogue:

Susan: "Sometimes I really think people should have to pass a proper exam before they're allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean."

Next: We're Going On A Bear Hunt

Michael Rosen: We’re Going On A Bear Hunt

The Book: It’s essentially a poem with pictures. A catchy poem, at that. A family sets out to a hunt a bear.

We’ll repeat that. They set out to hunt a bear. Either they’ve had too much ginger beer and cola cubes, or this family is on some kind of suicide mission.

What they want to do with the bear once they find it remains a mystery, although one of the kids does appear to be carrying a stick.

Perhaps he plans to bludgeon the bear to death with it. Now THAT would make good reading, although Michael Rosen would probably have scuppered his chances at becoming Children’s Laureate.

It would’ve been worth it, Michael.

The Movie: A coming-of-age drama in the tradition of Stand By Me, Mean Creek or Lord of the Flies, WGOABH follows a group of tweenage kids who set out to prove who is the ballsiest of the bunch.

Expect expansive shots of the Colorado countryside and a few heart-wrenching Homeward Bound-esque team-building moments.

Sample Dialogue:

On their return home after running away from the bear:

“We’re not going on a bear hunt again.”

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The 10 Unsung Heroes of Harry Potter

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 07:21:54 GMT

The Story Behind Harry Potter

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 14:14:38 GMT

Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince, the sixth Potter pic, arrives in cinemas this week.

What better time, then, to take a look back at the film franchise and the books that started it all...

1. A Delayed Train

Even if you have just a passing awareness of the Harry Potter series, you likely know how it came about – author Joanne Kathleen Rowling (the middle bit’s from her grandmother for use as her pseudonym – she doesn’t have a second name) says it just fell into her head in 1990 on a busy – and late – train.

"I had been writing almost continuously since the age of six but I had never been so excited about an idea before.

“I simply sat and thought, for four hours, and all the details bubbled up in my brain, and this scrawny, black-haired, bespectacled boy who did not know he was a wizard became more and more real to me."

It would be five tough years writing in cafes and struggling to make ends meet before Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone nabbed her an agent and, after eight rejections, a publisher in the shape of Bloomsbury.

Rowling fashioned a world focused on her young wizard, an orphan who survived the attack that killed his parents and left him scarred for life with a lightning bolt on his forehead.

Six more books would be published – The Chamber Of Secrets, The Prisoner Of Azkaban, The Goblet Of Fire, The Order Of The Phoenix, The Half-Blood Prince, and the epic finale, The Deathly Hallows.

Each tome chronicles a year (or thereabouts – the later books tend to fudge the timing) in Harry’s life at wizarding school Hogwarts.

Initially unaware that he’s anything special, he’s brought to the magical seat of learning to discover that he is, in fact, a hero destined to defeat the evil that destroyed his mother and father – dastardly wizard Voldemort (or He Who Shall Not Be Named as scared wand-wavers prefer to refer to him).

As Harry grows into his destiny, his life gets ever more dangerous, but he also makes solid friendships with the likes of Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

Together the trio will have to solve riddles, battle magical beasts and, above all, stop Voldemort’s plan to return, achieve immortality and take over the world. The usual, then.

Even as she wrote the first book, Rowling also had the idea for the final epilogue, which has mutated into the scene found at the end of the seventh book, Deathly Hallows.

Why? A couple of unexpected character deaths and one other, who gets a reprieve from his creator.

The books became a massive publishing phenomenon, so it was only a matter of time before Hollywood came calling.

Next: The Philosopher's Stone[Page-Break]

2. The Philosopher’s Stone… Or is it Sorcerer’s?

In 1999, JK Rowling sold the rights to the first four movies to Warners for around £1 million (given how much dosh the resulting films have made, that seems like a great deal these days).

With Potter mania at an all time high, the studio naturally tried to get the movie into production as soon as possible. But there were different ideas as to how to achieve it.

Early on in the process, Steven Spielberg threw his hat into the ring, negotiating to direct the first film, with the idea of making it animated, and casting Haley Joel Osment as the voice of Harry.

The bearded one eventually declined, citing the fact that the film would likely make money easily.

“It’s like shooting ducks in a barrel. It's just a slam-dunk. It's just like withdrawing a billion dollars and putting it into your personal bank accounts. There's no challenge."

Still, several directors put themselves up for the job, including Alan Parker, Brad Silberling, Rob Reiner, Tim Robbins, Peter Weir, Mike Newell and Terry Gilliam (Rowling’s favourite choice).

But when Warners announced that the pic needed to start in 2000 and be ready for a July 4 2001 stateside release, several pulled out.

On 28 March 2000, Home Alone director Chris Columbus was picked for the job.

"Harry Potter is the kind of timeless literary achievement that comes around once in a lifetime,” said producer Lorenzo Di Bonaventura.

“Since the books have generated such a passionate following across the world, it was important to find a director who has an affinity for both children and magic. I can't think of anyone more ideally suited for this job than Chris."

Despite the appointment of an American director, the studio gave Rowling plenty of creative control, and allowed her to specify that the movie must be kept largely British, which opened up the cast to the likes of Alan Rickman, Robbie Coltrane, Maggie Smith and the late Richard Harris as the series’ first Dumbledore.

The film also needed to lock down the three leads to play Harry, Ron and Hermione and, after a long search and thousands of auditions, Daniel Radcliffe (11), Emma Watson (10) and Rupert Grint (12) were unveiled during a huge press conference.

With Steve Kloves (who won Rowling over by telling her his favourite character was Hermione) adapting the book, the film started shooting at Leavesden Film Studios in October 2000.

Not everything went smoothly – Canterbury Cathedral officials declined the film’s request to stand as the main setting for Hogwarts, citing worries about the plot’s “pagan” themes.

In the end, the movie shot around the UK, taking in the likes of Gloucester Cathedral, Alnwick Castle (for Hogwarts exteriors), Harrow school, Goathland railway station in Yorkshire and King’s Cross station (though not the actual platform 9, which is in a separate section).

For the American release, the team shot two versions of any scene featuring the titular stone, with Sorcerer’s replacing Philosopher’s in the footage.

Though the original plan was to put the film out over the July 4 holiday weekend, the punishing schedule pushed it back to November of that year.

Within days of its release, the studio knew Spielberg had been correct: with a box office record-breaking weekend (over $90m), it was clearly a licence to print money.

A new franchise had been born. Now they had to keep the cash cow mooing…

Next: The Chamber Of Secrets[Page-Break]

3. The Chamber Of Secrets

With the first film an instant, money-grabbing hit, the studio moved quickly to get a follow-up moving, kicking off production just three days after the original’s release.

Columbus returned to direct again and Steve Kloves once more wrote the adaptation, which stays even closer to the book than the first movie, with a few characters snipped out, some plotlines condensed and a change to how one critical element of the plot – the chameleonic Polyjuice potion – works.

The second pic finds Harry getting ready to start his second term at Hogwarts, much to the displeasure of his non-magical (or “muggle” to use the book’s term) aunt and uncle.

The early parts of the story involve Harry escaping from Privet Drive via the Weasley’s flying car (a Ford Anglia), which was created via a mixture of a practical unit and ILM’s visual effects.

We get to meet Dobby, the House-Elf (voiced by Toby Jones), one of several small creatures who largely act as servants (or slaves) to established and wealthy wizarding families.

Oh, and there’s also the introduction of yet another new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher, this time in the shape of Gilderoy Lockhart.

The famed adventurer and magician (who turns out to be a big fraud) was a role originally offered to Hugh Grant. But when he dropped out due to scheduling issues, Kenneth Branagh took it over, complete with blond wig.

One other big addition was the casting of Jason Isaacs as the snidey, arrogant Lucius Malfoy, Voldemort supporter and father to Harry’s main antagonist, Draco.

Isaacs took the role for what he saw as “a chance to have fun playing dress-up and being the bad guy.”

In sadder casting news, the film would mark the last appearance on film of Richard Harris, who died between Chamber Of Secrets’ shoot and production on Azkaban.

Shooting this time took place around the Isle of Man, and the various locations and sets that had already been built for the original movie.

Once released on 15 November 2002, it was another instant smash, breaking some of The Philosopher’s Stones’ records.

The train had well and truly left the station, but a new driver would come aboard for the next movie…

Next: The Prisoner Of Azkaban[Page-Break]

4. The Prisoner Of Azkaban

For the third film, much like the second, the story begins to get darker as the kids start to grow up and Rowling’s themes of death and good/evil become more prominent.

Things would also change behind the camera as Columbus made the decision to merely produce, saying, “I haven’t seen my own kids for supper in the week for about two and a half years."

Led by Columbus and ever-present producer David Heyman, the hunt for a new director would encompass Guillermo del Toro (who turned down an offer claiming the series seemed too “bright and happy and full of light”.

Fresh off of Finding Neverland, Marc Foster brushed off an offer after realising that he didn’t want to direct child actors again.

In the end, the choice came down to three: Callie Khouri (Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood), Kenneth Branagh (who had just appeared as Lockhart) and Alfonso Cuaron (A Little Princess).

Eventually, though he initially professed nerves because he wasn’t familiar with the books, Cuaron got the job with Rowling’s seal of approval, since she was a big fan of his Y Tu Mama Tambien.

Ploughing through the available source material, Cuaron accepted after connecting with the story.

Several new cast members came aboard, most notably Gary Oldman as the titular escaped prisoner Sirius Black (originally thought to be a Voldemort supporter but revealed as a dear friend of Harry’s parents and his godfather).

David Thewlis took the role of Remus Lupin, the new Defence Against The Dark Arts tutor (with a wolfish secret) and Timothy Spall was cast as Peter Pettigrew, a Voldemort supporter who has been disguised for years as Ron’s rat, Scabbers.

With Richard Harris gone, Hogwarts needed a new Dumbledore, and Michael Gambon took on the role.

Finally, Emma Thompson agreed to play Sybill Trelawney, the bumbling yet occasionally accurate Divination teacher who correctly predicts the return of Voldemort.

Shooting from February to October 2003, with locations taking in the likes of Loch Ness (for Hogwarts’ lake, where Harry battles the Dementors), Glen Coe and Palmers Green, where scenes featuring the magical Knight Bus that takes Harry to learn his fate for using magic in front of muggles, were shot with a specially adapted vehicle.

Cuaron was pleased with the experience, calling it the “two sweetest years of my life” and put his name down to direct some of the sequels, though the pressure of production meant he never got the chance.

He’d wanted to push for more practical special effects, attempting to create the creepy Dementors using puppets, but that proved too expensive for all but a handful of shots.

The reaction to the film was positive, with critics praising Cuaron for trying – as much as possible – to break away from the cosy template established by Columbus.

Rolling Stone exclaimed, “Not only is this dazzler by far the best and most thrilling of the three Harry Potter movies to date, it's a film that can stand on its own even if you never heard of author J.K. Rowling and her young wizard hero."

And yes, once again, the film broke records.

Onwards to number four…

Next: The Goblet Of Fire[Page-Break]

5. The Goblet Of Fire

The fourth film finds Harry maturing further and starting to have real feelings about more than just his destiny as the chosen one...

Yes, we’re talking girls. But more importantly, Lord Voldemort is gaining strength and plans to retrieve his old form by stealing blood from Harry.

To do so, he arranges for the young spellcaster to enter the Triwizard tournament, a set of challenges which see candidates from three schools – Hogwarts, Durmstrang and Beauxbatons compete to see who will be magic champion.

Despite him being technically too young, the titular Goblet selects Harry as the second challenger from Hogwarts, alongside Cedric Diggory (a fresh-faced Robert Pattinson).

Harry eventually scores a draw with Cedric, before being transported to Voldemort’s graveyard hiding place, where a duel ensues.

Harry escapes – this time…

Despite Alfonso Cuaron announcing his interest, the accelerating schedule and exhausting demands of the Potter shoots meant Mike Newell – one of the original choices for the first film – took over directing chores. Steve Kloves returned to write the script and the leads took their roles again.

New faces included Ralph Fiennes, who played Lord Voldemort, Miranda Richardson as Rita Skeeter, an obnoxious, probing journalist and Dr Who himself, David Tennant as Barty Crouch Jr, one of Voldy’s main henchmen.

There was also Brendan Gleeson, playing Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody, the one-eyed new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher, who in typical fashion only lasts one year (mostly because he’s revealed to be Barty Crouch Jr in disguise).

The task of making the fourth outing was not an easy one – Kloves and Newell were faced with compressing the biggest book yet into one film and ended up cutting most of the classroom scenes.

The house elves also got short shrift, with Hermione’s push to protect them snipped completely, with the lack of Dobby continuing into later films.

And in an attempt to up the action content, several of the competition segments were given a makeover, all with Rowling’s approval.

The biggest hiccup for the filmmakers was a seemingly trademark Warners blunder (see also Dukes Of Hazzard and Get Smart) over one element that was essentially a fun cameo.

Jarvis Cocker and several other musicians appeared as a band called Weird Sisters, which, uh, was a little too similar to a Canadian band named Wyrd Sisters.

The group’s first court case was thrown out, but thanks to the studio claiming that the name wouldn’t actually get used but ignoring the - ahem - use in the film and the soundtrack), the Sisters are still trying their luck.

That said, despite all the changes, the film was another, predictable success, grabbing solid reviews and another blockbuster opening. To date, it has earned more than $896 million.

Number five was where it really became a franchise factory…

Next: The Order Of The Phoenix[Page-Break]

6. The Order Of The Phoenix

The fourth movie began the process of opening up Rowling’s world and seeing the magical effects cross over into the rest of the UK. The fifth expanded upon the idea.

It’s also the darkest yet, with Harry initially on trial for openly battling with a Dementor and a more political tone as the Ministry Of Magic tries to influence Hogwarts.

It's all about Delores Umbridge, really – an initially friendly-seeming sort (albeit addicted to the colour pink) who refuses to teach the students anything more than basic charms and reveals herself to be a cruel, vindictive monster.

Harry is forced to once more face down Voldemort and Sirius Black is killed in the ensuing battle.

Though Newell was happy with his entry into the Potter world, he declined to direct the next film, and Mira Nair, Matthew Vaughn and Amelie’s Jean-Pierre Jeunet also turned down offers.

After a brief search, British TV director David Yates, who had worked on the dramas Sex Traffic and State Of Play, was chosen, and considered a perfect choice to handle the maturing Potter stories.

For the first time since the franchise began, Steve Kloves was not behind the script, with Michael Goldenberg (who worked on Contact and Peter Pan, and is co-screenwriter on the upcoming Where The Wild Things Are) taking over the job.

For Umbridge, the team selected Imelda Staunton, who proved to be the perfect choice - bringing a slimy charm and real menace to the part. She was joined by Helena Bonham Carter, who took over from the originally cast Helen McCrory (she dropped out as her pregnancy meant she couldn’t take part in the action-packed finale).

Young newcomer Evanna Lynch won out over 15,000 other young hopefuls to snag the part of spacey student Luna Lovegood, while rumours persisted that Kenneth Branagh would show up briefly as Lockhart (he was in one draft of the script but ultimately excised).

And while Dobby continued to be absent, the filmmakers’ attempt to excise Kreacher, the Black family’s elf was rejected by Rowling, who warned them that he was necessary for the plot of the then-unpublished final book The Deathly Hallows.

With the Potter series now up and running, the biggest challenge was to top each film’s spectacle. Phoenix responded by shooting more outside of Hogwarts than ever before and even building the atrium of the Ministry Of Magic, easily the biggest indoor set for the franchise to date.

The film also utilised a lot more digital sets, particularly for the battle scenes, which required damage that would need weeks to rebuild.

Given that this was yet another whopping story – at 766 pages, it’s the biggest of the novels – a lot had to be shrunk or removed entirely to make the movie’s running time less than four hours.

Broom game Quidditch was the biggest casualty, while several returning characters in the book (including Rita Skeeter) never made the script.

The most controversial element of the film came after production – with a poster of Harry and co featuring some digital tinkering with Hermione’s chest causing some outcry.

Despite that minor issue, the movie was another roaring success and set the template for the final Potter movies. Yates would agree to direct all three (more on the Deathly Hallows split later) and the cast would all return...

Next: The Half-Blood Prince[Page-Break]

7. The Half-Blood Prince

And so we come to this week’s release, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince.

The sixth film finds Harry and co preparing to battle the evil wizarding group known as the Death Eaters who are striking back thanks to Voldemort’s renewed power.

It also features one of the biggest plot twists in the series – though for the good of anyone who hasn’t read the book, we won’t talk about it here.

Half-Blood Prince finds the usual team – Radcliffe, Watson, Grint, Rickman, Gambon and co - all in place, with David Yates still behind the camera and Steve Kloves once more writing the script.

New arrivals this time? Jim Broadbent is finally getting his chance to join the cast, playing the blustery, tragic Professor Horace Slughorn, a man who holds an important memory that will help Harry figure out Voldemort’s past and his future plans.

Helen McCrory, who had been cast as Bellatrix Lestrange before her pregnancy forced her to abandon the role, finds her way into the Potter world by playing Narcissa Malfoy, wife of Lucius and mother to Draco.

Since Voldemort is getting fleshed out further, it only made sense for someone related to Ralph Fiennes to play him as a child during his Tom Riddle Days. The superbly named Hero Fiennes-Tiffin, Ralph's nephew, is Riddle at 11. (Yes, he did have to audition.)

There’s also Frank Dillaine, playing Tom as a teenager.

Jessie Cave also joins the cast as Lavender Brown, the obsessive new girlfriend who makes Ron’s life a living misery.

It’s this adolescent aspect that the film explores most thoroughly – even as the storm clouds of war gather, Harry and co will be dealing with their raging hormones and the burgeoning relationships between Harry and Ginny Weasley (much to Ron’s annoyance) and Ron and Hermione (well, eventually).

Rumours persisted that the new pic would be shot outside the UK to take advantage of tax credits, with suggestions ranging from New Zealand to Ireland.

It has remained home-grown, however, with scenes shot around Scotland and the rest of the UK, including return visits to Gloucester Cathedral and more use of virtual sets.

The biggest concern for the film has been its release date – it was originally scheduled for last November, but was bumped to this summer to give Warners more breathing room.

Reviews have been a little more mixed (though still very positive), and it’s expected to be another big earner for the franchise.

Which is a good thing, as there are still two movies to go…

Next: The Deathly Hallows I[Page-Break]

8. The Deathly Hallows I

It’s the book that wraps it all up – the final confrontation between Harry and the forces of good against Voldemort’s Death Eaters.

It’s also a rambling, widely focused story that takes our heroes away from Hogwarts for long periods and mostly ditches the academic year structure.

Enough with the classes – it’s time to grow up and fight.

In an unusual move (and despite the fact that it’s actually shorter than Goblet Of Fire), The Deathly Hallows will be released as two parts.

"Years ago, we briefly — and seriously — considered doing Goblet of Fire as two films,” says writer Steven Kloves. “So this concept is not altogether new.

“As for Deathly Hallows, I intuited — almost from the first moments I began reading it and certainly once I'd finished — that to realize the story in a single film was going to be a tall order.

“Others in 'the group' felt the same. So the idea of two films began to get kicked around as early as late summer of 2007. We didn't take it lightly. But ultimately everyone felt that despite the challenges it would present, it was the soundest creative decision.

"I'm sure some will think we're crazy. My wife looked at me cross-eyed when I first mentioned it. But I'm really excited about it because it should allow us to stretch a bit with the characters and give them a proper send-off.

“The story is highly emotional and those moments deserve time to breathe. And, personally, I feel we owe it to Jo — in order to preserve the integrity of the work — and the fans — for their loyalty all these years — to give them the best and most complete experience possible.”

"It'll be a big finish, won't it?" says Alan Rickman, who will see Snape's role extended further in the story.

"That's true, and appropriately. You can feel it now, the size of the undertaking. Watching Daniel (Radcliffe), I saw a trailer for him being on Inside the Actor's Studio, and you think, 'Wait a minute, he's 12! Oh. Perhaps he isn't.'"

Part One is scheduled for November 2010. Part Two will arrive in July 2011. Long wait, then...

Next: The Deathly Hallows 2 [Page-Break]

9. The Deathly Hallows II

The final two films, which will be shot as a single piece, began production this January, and shooting has been taking place in various locations, with studio time split between the franchise’s usual home in Leavesden and sets at Pinewood.

And though Yates was quick to sign on to direct, Guillermo del Toro expressed an interested in the pitch-dark Deathly Hallows, before realising his workload simply wouldn’t give him the time.

New casting this time around includes Rhys Ifans as Luna Lovegood’s father, Xenophilius, the recently announced Bill Nighy as Minister for Magic Rufus Scrimgeour and Ciaran Hinds as Dumbledore’s brother, Alberforth.

Plus, there are some returning faces, including Miriam Margoyles (last seen in Chamber Of Secrets) as Professor Sprout, Brendan Gleeson as Alastor Moody and one for fans of house elves everywhere, the Toby Jones-voiced Dobby.

The longer (double-movie) running time means that more of the book will appear on screen than in any of the other adaptations. And it’ll be different from the other stories, as Radcliffe explains: "This is a road movie, particularly in Part One of the film.

“People have been so used to seeing Harry Potter at Hogwarts and we're just not there for the first part of the film. That seems to have really freshened things up, and hopefully will get people seeing the films with fresh eyes again, because its just a totally different look when you're not just sat in the same room the whole time."

Part Two is more of the operatic epic, featuring major battles.

In fact, the final battle was omitted from Half-Blood Prince to make way for the big finish.

“We all know there’s a huge battle coming in 7," says Radcliffe. "We’re all looking forward to it. We’re designing and planning it at the moment. We wanted to keep our powder dry for that really. So wait until Part Two.”

The big finish to the books, of course, is – and this is a big spoiler if you’ve not yet cracked the seventh book!! – the epilogue with Harry, Ron and Hermione reuniting to send their own kids off to Hogwarts.

It takes place 19 years after the events of Deathly Hallows, and will require some trickery.

“You know, we’re still exploring how we’re going to deal with that,” Yates tells Can Mag. “It’s an absolutely beautiful part of the book and one of the most unique things of this franchise I guess is the fact that you’ve grown up with these characters.

“I think it’s what makes it special for the audience. So we’ll be delivering that at the end of Part Two but we’re looking at various options of how we do it. I still haven’t quite figured it out yet.

No, probably not Benjamin Button technology. We looked into that but we don’t think it’s the route we’re going to take.”

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Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:06:51 GMT

Battle Royale: Movie Magicians vs. Real Magicians

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:06:46 GMT

It's Potter time again, and to celebrate, we're launching a battle that will make the Tri-Wizard Tournament look like... the... er... Bi-Wizard Tournament? Needless to say, it will be awesome.

In a hotpot of hocus pocus hardmen, this battle sees magicians from the movies face off against the stars of Saturday Night television, Las Vegas, and dubious publicity "stunts".

It's a sorcery styled smackdown, and it's starting... now!

British Magicians Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) The Harry Potter Series (2001-)

Titular student of wizardry at Horwart’s, Potter is also believed to be the chosen one, who will defeat the evil Lord Voldemort and vanquish dark magic.

Along with friends Ron and Hermione, Harry has survived 6 years of school and several attempts on his life, and he’s going to need to use that experience going up to survive this battle.

Sex? No. Drugs? No. Not A Normal Teenager Then?-ness: 10

Didn't you get In Your Kit Off In Equus? Really? Ew. Factor: 10

Magician Rating: 9

vs.

Paul Daniels

Staple of British magic and entertainment for over 40 years, Daniels starred in his own show on the BBC between 1979-1994.

Married to assistant Debbie McGee, he has garnered numerous awards and an international following, though his popularity has waned in recent years…

So Debbie... What's All That About Then? Factor: 10

Didn't You Used To Wear A Wig?-ness: 9

Magician Rating: 9

Let Battle Commence!

Quick off the mark, young Potter surges forward, but trips over a shoe lace, which he still can’t tie.

Daniels pulls a rabbit out of a hat, screaming “You’ll like this, but not a lot” and hurls it at the boy – but it simply bounces off, causing no damage.

“Here’s one you can’t do” shouts Potter distracting Daniels by grabbing his full thick head of hair, and pulling it, taunting the balding magician.

It looks like Daniels has had enough though, and gets assistant Debbie McGee to flash the youth.

Potter, never having seen breasts before, is distracted long enough for Daniels to deliver the killer blow, slicing him neatly in half with a prop-saw.

Paul Daniels emerges victorious.

Movie Magicians 0 Real Magicians 1

Next: Cocky American Magicians

Cocky Americans David Copperfield

Billion-dollar grossing American illusionist described by Forbes Magazine as the most commercially successful magician in history.

Famous for his mix of storytelling and illusion, Copperfield’s most famous tricks have involved making the Statue of Liberty disappear, and levitating across the Grand Canyon.

What, Like The Book? Factor: 8

Haven't Heard From You Since The Schiffer Thing-ness: 10

Magician Rating: 9

vs.

Robert Angier (Hugh Jackman) The Prestige (2006)

One time member of a double act with Alfred Borden (Christian Bale), Angiers goes solo after blaming Borden for the death of his wife.

Desperate to beat his now rival magician, he goes to great lengths to become the more successful magician, including murder.

Yeah, I Worked Out Factor: 10

Hey! Is That David Bowie?-ness: 10

Magician Rating: 8

Let Battle Commence!

Copperfield starts levitating, delivering a swift kick to his opponent’s chops.

He begins a very theatrical stage laugh, and winks at Angier, but Angier is not playing around.

The Movie Magician takes Coppefield by the ankle and slams him to the floor, before tossing him effortlessly into a large water-tank.

Copperfield smiles, and winking again to no-one in particular, walks through the glass wall of the tank, emerging bone dry.

Raising his hand high in the air, and drawing it back down in a slow and deliberate fashion, a giant circular saw blade appears, falling toward Angiers – who barely has time to roll out of the way.

Hopping into his Tesla-built transporter, the Movie Magician duplicates himself and the two Angiers stand either side of Copperfield.

“Let’s make it a draw,” whispers Copperfield, “Think of the profits we could get from a rematch!”

The two Angiers snarl at this before each producing a pair of retractable metal claws, they procede to maul Copperfield, shredding the illusionist to pieces in seconds.

The real Angier then murders his clone. Angier wins.

Movie Magicians 1 Real Magicians 1

Next: Tag Team Magicians

Tag Team Magicians Siegfried and Roy

German-born Las Vegas entertainers Siegfried Fischbacher and Roy Horn are as synonymous with Vegas as gambling, strippers and marrying hookers.

Famed for their use of white-tigers, a 2003 incident where Roy was attacked by 8 year-old tiger Montecore left the entertainer severely injured, forcing the pair into retirement.

So, Who's Who? Oh, That's The Tiger-ness: 9

What Do You Mean You're All Tigers? Please Don't Growl At Us Like That Factor: 10

Magician Rating: 9

vs.

Karl & Harry (Mitchell & Webb) Magicians (2007)

Mitchell and Webb of "Peep Show" and "That Mitchell And Webb Look" fame, starred in this ill-received film about rival magicians in 2007.

Magicians is a send-up of The Prestige, among other films, and sees the pair battling each other to win the Magic Shield competition held in Jersey.

Better Than Lesbian Vampire Killers, If That's A Compliment-ness: 10

Still, Not Quite Peep Show Standard, Is It? Factor: 10

Magician Rating: 7

Let Battle Commence!

Mitchell and Webb try to catch the Germans off-guard with a few humourous social observations, which Siegfred and Roy, being German, don’t understand.

“Are you trying to be funny” shouts Siegfried, “Because ve vill have ze last laugh!” at which point Roy turns on a powerful spotlight, pointing it a himself and his partner.

The reflection of light from the pair’s oily-tanned skin and bright white teeth dazzles Mitchell and Webb, who can only cower in reply.

Sensing victory, Roy unlatches the tiger cage. “Attack, Montecore!” he orders as the giant white beast roars from its cell, and attack he does – Siegfried and Roy.

The entertainer’s scream and yelp and Montecore chews them up, while Mitchell and Webb look on making subtle and witty sarcastic remarks about the irony of the situation.

Mitchell & Web are victorious.

Movie Magicians 2 Real Magicians 1

Next: Old School vs. New School

Old School vs. New School Valentino (Masked Magician)

Rising to international fame thanks to his series of specials during the 90s, Valentino starred as The Masked Magician, who revealed the secrets behind classic illusions - causing an uproar in the magic community.

Magicians feared audiences would no longer be interested, but Valentino countered these claims, stating it would help motivate magicians to come up with new illusions, and ignite a new interest in magic.

Oh, So That's What The Masked Magician Looks Like Factor: 8

Quick, Put It Back On!-ness: 10

Magician Rating: 8

vs.

Merlin (Nicol Williamson) Excalibur (1981)

Merlin is known around the world for his sorcery and magic, synonymous with the tale of King Arthur and The Knights of the Round Table.

In this incarnation, from John Boorman’s Excalibur, Merlin wears a bad-ass metal skullcap and is far from the frail old-man of many depictions.

Where Did You Get That Awesome Skullcap? Factor: 10

We Really Liked You In Exorcist III-ness: 9

Magician Rating: 10

Let Battle Commence!

Merlin conjures the Charm of Making spell, which disguises him a Lancelot, the greatest of King Arthur’s Knights.

Valentino, donning the mask of the Masked Magician, starts explaining to everyone at home exactly how Merlin accomplished this trick.

Merlin, pissed off and surly at the Masked Magician, returns to his regular form and head-butts Valentino, breaking his nose.

Valentino, cracks his nose back into place, and explains to the audience exactly how Merlin managed to break it.

At this point Merlin is quite bored, and summons the sword Excalibur from the Lady in the Lake, and wielding it, decapitates Valentino.

His head lying on the floor quite separate from his body, Valentino starts explaining exactly how Merlin was able to chop off his head.

Merlin can only growl with frustration.

Merlin still wins.

Movie Magicians 3 Real Magicians 1

Next: Freestyle Round

Freestyle Round David Blaine

Made famous by his particular brand of street magic, which involves him biting coins in half, transmuting playing cards through glass windows and levitating, Blaine has spawned a succession of imitators.

Spending the last decade focusing less on magic and more on stunts, such as living in a suspended box, being encased in ice, standing on a pole, living underwater – he is wearing thin public opinion.

When You Talk We Feel Sleepy-ness: 10

What's So Bloody Magical About That? We Could Totally Do That Factor: 10

Magician Rating: 8

vs.

Willow (Warwick Davis) Willow (1988)

Pint sized sorcerer on a quest to protect a special new-born baby from the evil Queen Bavmorda.

A bit shit at the whole sorcery game, Willow bumbles his way through the film turning things into things they aren’t supposed to be, but it all works out in the end.

Hey, It's The Guy From Leprechaun! Factor: 8

This Film Scared Us As Children-ness: 10

Magician Rating: 7

Let Battle Commence!

Blaine stars off defensively, jumping into a plexiglass box.

“How do you like them apples?” He sneers at Willow, who waves his wand in the direction of the illusionist, uttering some garbled magic spell.

Blaine is transformed into a Chimera, a fire-breathing mythical beast. “Bugger” exclaims Willow, as the Blaine-Chimera melts through the plexiglass and takes to the skies.

Running around trying to dodge the flames, Willow again raises his wand and pointing at Blaine, mumbles incoherently.

Blaine is instantly transformed into John Candy, and falls to his demise, crushing the hapless sorcerer as he hit the deck.

Both magicians are killed – the round is a tie.

Movie Magicians 4 Real Magicians 2

Next: 19th Century Magicians

19th Century Magicians Eisenheim (Edward Norton) The Illusionist (2007)

The other magic movie of 2006, this film follows Edward Norton’s Eisenheim as he tries to win the hand of his first love, Sophie (Jessica Biel).

Through a series of complex illusions, Eisenheim manages to better his love rival, the nasty Duke Leopold (Rufus Sewell), and gets the girl in a final act which keeps everyone guessing, unlike that other 2006 magic film.

So Ed, What's That Accent About? Factor: 10

Best Magic Film Of 2006?-ness: 9

Magician Rating: 9

vs.

Harry Houdini

Perhaps the most famous escape-artist of all time, Houdini is easily the most recognizable name in magic, even though he died 70 years ago.

He captivated the public with death-defying acts such as escaping from locked water chambers, and being buried alive. He was eventually killed after receiving a punch to the stomach in a demonstration gone awry.

Houdini Isn't Dead, He Works In The Local Chip Shop With Elvis And John Lennon-ness: 9

Being Punched In The Stomach Is Not Cool: 10

Magician Rating: 10

Let Battle Commence!

Houdini asks Norton to punch him, in a repeat of the famous demonstration of his stomach muscles that led to his death.

On this occasion however, Houdini is ready, and Norton, hardly in the physical shape of his American History X performance, can only manage a modest blow.

“Your punch is no match for my immense abdominal strength” shrugs Houdini, “But I liked The Illusionist much better than The Prestige”

Then Houdini punches Norton in the stomach, winding him. “Your punch was excellent, much stronger than mine” coughs Norton, “But I know something you don’t; I’m not left-handed."

Houdini grimaces as Norton winds up another blow to his abdomen, this time knocking the great escape artist to his knees.

“Much better” remarks Houdini, coughing up blood. “But I also know something you don’t know. I’m not left-handed either”

Norton’s jaw drops at the revelation and he readies himself for the next hit.

Houdini powers forward with a blow so hard he punches straight through The Illusionist’s chest, before ripping out his still beating heart.

Norton looks in awe at Houdini. “Bravo” he exclaims, before slumping to the floor and dying.

Houdini, takes a bite out of the organ, covering his chin and mouth in blood. “Mmm, tastes like heart”.

Houdini wins.

Movie Magicians 4 Real Magicians 3

Next: British Magicians, Round II

British Magicians, Round II Tommy Cooper

Beloved British magician and prop comedian recognisable for his quirky features and a fetching red fez he wore during performances.

Though he was an accomplished magician, Cooper made a career out of failing to perform magic tricks, gathering roars of laughter and enthusiastic applause from these intentional mistakes. A sadly missed legend.

Do You Think We Can Pull Off A Fez? Factor: 8

We Could Totally Pull Of A Fez-ness: 7

Magician Rating: 9

vs.

Gandalf (Sir Ian McKellan) Lord Of The Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Born of Tolkien’s Middle-Earth, Gandalf is otherwise thoroughly British. He is a sage and friendly wizard, concerned with the well-being of all life, and willing to fight for his beliefs.

Ages old, there are few as powerful, and his leadership and inspiration in the quest to destroy the one ring proves pivotal to the survival of Middle-Earth.

Ooh Goodie, Ian McKellen Is Going To Play Gandalf In The Hobbit Factor: 10

What's In The Pipe?-ness: 8

Magician Rating: 10

Let Battle Commence!

Cooper pulls a bath tap out of his pocket, attached to some string. He bounces it up and down for a second, then looks at Gandalf, “Tap dance,” and chuckles loudly.

Gandalf can’t help but laugh, and Cooper continues, adorning his ‘Magic Cloak', he begins to pull objects out from between his legs.

First, a bucket, followed by a very long scaffoling pole, a mannequin’s leg and a large bread basket.

At this point Gandalf is laughing so hard that when Cooper starts to produce a ten-foot step ladder, he loses it and starts to fall to his knees.

As he does so, he slams his staff down on the ground in order to steady himself, but this sends out a powerful shockwave, which vapourises Cooper, leaving just his Fez rattling on the ground.

Gandalf begins to openly weep.

Gandalf wins.

Movie Magicians 5 Real Magicians 3

Next: Vegas Magicians

Vegas Magicians
Criss Angel

Vegas showman performing in a mega-budget magic show at The Luxor resort, Angel is well known worldwide for his tv show, Criss Angel: Mindfreak, in which he performs various stunts, escapes and illusions.

Though his TV show is a huge success, his Vegas show, a collaboration with Cirque Du Soleil, has been marred by negative reviews and negative publicity by Angel’s own actions, including openly insulting the audience.

Okay, That Picture Is Starting To Freak Us Out-ness: 9

Seriously, Could You Please Stop Staring Like That! Factor: 10

Magician Rating: 8

vs.

Cris Johnson (Nic Cage) Next (2007)

Cheesy showman who has the ability to see two-minutes into the future, which he uses to live a successful life, though he is haunted by the vision of a woman from much further into the future than he can normally see.

Finally meeting the woman, Liz (Jessica Biel), Johnson must go on the run as he has become a target of the Department of Homeland Security, who want to use his gift to prevent terrorism.

That's A Dandy Haircut Nic, You're The Man Factor: 10

Of All The Unbelievable Things, He Ends Up With Jessica Biel-ness: 10

Magician Rating: 8

Let Battle Commence!

Criss Angel, knowing that Cris Johnson can see two minutes into the future, waits for Johnson to make the first move.

Johnson, knowing that Criss Angel has a fiery temper, is unwilling to engage him in battle, even though he can use his gift, he doesn’t want to injure his face.

“Nice haircut” shouts Angel.

“Yeah, your barber recommended it” replies Johnson.

The battle descends into a heated slanging match of “yo momma” and “oh, no you didn’t”.

This goes on for some time.

Angel eventually makes a move, revealing he has strapped himself with C4, he runs toward Johnson, exploding and killing them both.

This is then revealed, in a major ‘up yours’ to the audience, to be Johnson using his gift to see what will happen.

Now he knows how it will end, he pulls a gun and shoots Angel, impossibly igniting the C4 at the same time, expoloding his rival in a highly unnecessary fashion.

Johnson walks away, probably to find a better barber.

Cris Johnson wins.

Final Result Movie Magicians 6 Real Magicians 3

There you have it folks, Movie Magicians are better than Real Magicians. Sometimes. Thoughts? Comment away.

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7 Possible Steven Soderbergh Sequels

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:06:42 GMT

Stephen Soderbergh doesn’t really do sequels.

The Ocean’s trilogy is his only franchise (unless you count Che Parts 1 and 2, which we don’t), so it came as quite a surprise to see yesterday’s news that be might be making The Limey 2.

While he’s at it, here are seven more sequels he could put into production.

7 Adult Flicks Turned Teen Friendly

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:06:13 GMT

Bruno is being edited down from an 18 certificate to a 15.

So, despite the fact you’ll probably hear more offensive jokes coming from most modern playgrounds, Sacha Baron Cohen's latest will soon be safe for young people to consume.

But what if the PC brigade applied that logic to every 18? Let's find out...

10 Dangerous Documentaries

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:05:40 GMT

This Friday sees the release of documentary Burma VJ, a harrowing account of the 2007 bloodshed where military action against protesters saw hundreds of peaceful monks slaughtered.

Journalism is outlawed in Burma, so the footage, shot by guerilla video journalists (the VJ of the title), was taken and smuggled out of the country with the very real risk of death looming large.

Join us for a look at other documentaries that were dangerous, in a variety of ways, for the filmmakers to complete;

Deliver Us From Evil (2006)

The Film: Traces the career of US Catholic Priest Oliver O’Grady who abused potentially hundreds of young children between the 1970s and 1990s, when he was deported back to his native Ireland.

The shocking revelations include the fact that the Catholic Church not only knew about Father O’Grady’s child abuse, but actively covered up the scandal by moving him to different parishes around Northern California.

The Risk: Attacking the foundations of Catholicism, up to and including the Pope, the filmmakers risked the might of the world’s fifth largest economy, backlash from pro-Church organizations and censorship.

The Result: Although the film shed light on the nefarious practices of the Church, much of the organization is immune from prosecution, with Pope Benedict XVI being pardoned by President Geroge W. Bush at the Vatican’s request.

Next: Dark Days

Dark Days (2000)

The Film: British filmmaker Marc Singer explores the lives of New York’s homeless, and the community who live in the tunnels of the city’s subway system.

Hiring many of the homeless as his crew, Singer reveals the conditions in which the homeless live, how they have adapted to life underground, and their struggles to survive daily life.

The Risk: Singer was going to live amongst a sub-section of society that most people believe to be comprised almost entirely of drug addicts, criminals and the mentally ill. He could have been walking straight in Escape From New York, basically.

As it was, he met a group of people struggling to build a community from the things that they find. He was moved by their dignity.

The Result: When AMTRAK, the national rail company, served eviction notices to those living in the underground, Singer campaigned on their behalf, and managed to get the Department of Housing to offer them apartments.

The film was finally completed in 2000 and won rave reviews and many awards. Singer emerged uninjured, but he had to squint a bit at first, what with all the daylight that’s around.

Next: An Inconvenient Truth

An Inconvenient Truth (2006)

The Film: Presented as a slide show by former ‘next President of the United States’ Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth exposes the exact effect that industry and humanity at large is having on the global environment.

Shocking and eye-opening, the film presents truths that world governments and big business have worked hard to bury – that if we don’t change our way, the world may be beyond rescue.

The Risk: His reputation - the ire of multi-national corporations and right-wing press, Gore’s inconvenient truths could have seen him buried as a joke in the public eye.

The Result: Although they tried, calling the film everything from nonsense to leftist propaganda, Gore’s film opened doors for the green movement like no other voice has before or since.

Far from being ridiculed, educators here in the UK are thinking of making it compulsory viewing for school children in the National Curriculum, going as far as suggesting the purchase of a DVD for each child.

Next: Taxi To The Dark Side

Taxi To The Dark Side (2007)

The Film: Focusing on the murder in custody of an Afghan taxi driver named Dilawar, who was beaten to death by American soldiers while being held in extrajudicial detention at the Bagram Air Base.

It also goes on to examine America's policy on interrogation, specifically the CIA's use of torture, the attempts by Congress to uphold the Geneva Convention, and the use of torture techniques in popular culture.

The Risk: Er… Torture. As the film shows, the CIA can torture your ass to hell and back, and nobody is going to bat so much as an eyelash.

The Result: The film won the Oscar for Best feature Documentary, though it was buried by distributors who found the content controversial and bad for American morale. Director Gibney is suing the distributor.

Next: The Atomic Cafe

The Atomic Cafe (1982)

The Film: Cleverly edited footage taken from newsreels, government-produced films, military training films, advertisements, television and radio programs in the ‘40s, ‘50s and early ‘60s about nuclear warfare.

Presented in a darkly humourous tone, the film reveals the shocking disinformation given to the public and armed forces about the safety of radiation and how to survive an atomic blast (duck and cover!).

The Risk: Realising that Governments lie to us – what else isn’t safe? Huh? Thinking? Reading? Is reading safe? Oh God!

The Result: Kevin Rafferty, one of the filmmakers, was befriended by a young man looking for advice on documentary making. Rafferty offered to help the young man by acting as cinematographer on his first film.

The film? Roger & Me. Yup that’s right, The Atomic Café is responsible, by proxy, for giving the world Michael Moore. Judge the pros and cons of this for yourself.

Next: This Film Is Not Yet Rated

This Film Is Not Yet Rated (2006)

The Film: An examination into the politics, practices and membership of the MPAA, the self-appointed non-government body who decide what media is suitable for consumption by the American public.

The film examines the censors who make up the board, and their propensity for disregarding extreme violence, while enforcing a vendetta against scenes of a sexual nature.

The Risk: Censorship, of course. The very people they are calling out could bury the film.

It’s like publicly condemning referees then wondering why you keep getting sent off.

The Result: The independent media and film critics applauded the film enthusiastically, while industry press among exhibitors, distributors and censors called the film one-sided and distorted.

After an initial rating of NC-17 (the most severe rating admissible) for graphic sex, Director Kirby Dick recut the film. It was eventually released unrated, a move very few films are brave enough to attempt.

Next: Super Size Me

Super Size Me (2004)

The Film: Morgan Spurlock engages in a 30-day challenge to only eat food from McDonalds, stipulating he must eat every meal on the menu at least once, and must always super-size if asked.

With doctors monitoring his health, he also talks to various schools, corporations and politicians about the state of public health in the hopes of answering the question; why is America so fat?

The Risk: His own health.

The Result: Within 6 weeks of the film’s premiere at Sundance, McDonalds had removed the supersize option from their menus and were beginning to introduce ‘healthful’ options, such as salads.

Spurlock ended up gaining 11.1kgs, inflicting serious damage to his heart and liver, and causing depression and sexual dysfunction. It took him 15 months to lose the weight and detox his system fully.

Next: Who Killed The Electric Car?

Who Killed The Electric Car? (2006)

The Film: A trial of the automotive industry, and their attempts to sabotage electric vehicles. The film also examines the role of oil companies, government and public opinion in the death of the electric car. 

Focusing on the General Motors EV1, a car that was offered for lease in California, before being repossessed and crushed en mass, despite a dedicated following willing to buy the vehicles they loved.

The Risk: This goes to the very top. We see evidence that many of the Governement’s top officials were, or have previously been, on the boards of multi-national oil corporations, and it doesn’t end there.

Bush himself was involved, and when you’re telling the world that a lot of very powerful people are involved in a conspiracy to keep themselves rich, you may end up with your brakes cut.

The Result: Well received by critics and festivals, the film may not have had the impact it expected to, with many companies and governments pressing ahead with Hydrogen and Bio-Diesel rather than EVs.

With the change in administration and the shaking up of the US Government’s lobbyist system, perhaps Obama and his team can make changes free from the constant hassle of big oil and auto industries.

Next: OutFoxed

Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War On Journalism (2004)

The Film: Criticising Murdoch and his Fox News Channel, the filmmaker posits that the channel is used to promote the right-wing views of it’s owner, and is not the fair and balanced news source it claims to be.

Backed by evidence from former employees of Fox News, the film calls into question their tactics and politics on a range of subjects, from Iraq, to the Bush administration.

The Risk: Media backlash and censorship – Murdoch’s vast media empire could crush you where you stand.

The Result: Advertisments in Murdoch-owned newspapers in Australia were cut down to simply the title “Outfoxed” without the tagline “Rupert Murdoch’s War On Journalism.”

This was apparently because the newspapers deemed the ads ‘offensive’. No artwork was approved, the only other info on the ad was the name of the cinema it would be playing at.

Next: Grizzly Man

Grizzly Man (2005)

The Film: Timothy Treadwell is a well-meaning nature-nut who spends every summer in Alaska hanging out with a pack of bears.

The film highlights the beauty of the creatures, and the need for their conservation, albeit it by properly funded and professionally trained means.

The Risk: His life – he was hanging out with bears, how well can it end?

The Result: In an ironic tragedy nobody saw coming, Treadwell was killed by the very bears he sought to protect.

Experts say that a more vicious breed of bear had moved in to the area and it was this bear that was responsible for his death.

He was killed in his tent along with his girlfriend, the whole episode captured on the camcorder he had used to gather footage of his interaction with the majestic beasts. Director Werner Herzog declined to broadcast this footage.

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What The Potter Kids Should Do Next

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:41:36 GMT

With The Half-Blood Prince out this week, and Deathly Hallows filming, the sand has nearly run out of Harry Potter's hourglass.

So what will the various young actors and actresses do next? We took a look at a few from various movies and tried to predict their future...

Daniel Radcliffe

Role: Harry Potter

Off-Potter Work: Radcliffe’s tried to make the most of his time between HP films. He’s notched up one movie – December Boys – but has become better known for stripping off on stage.

His part in Equus in London and New York was a marked departure from his usual status as the goggly-eyed boy wizard.

Horse mutilation? Bumping uglies with sexy ladies? Harry would never have approved. Well, about the horse mutilation, anyway.

In The Future? Considering Equus was a hit for Anthony Hopkins on stage back in the 1970s and Richard Burton took the role in the film version, Radcliffe could do worse than try to emulate their careers.

And since his turn in the theatre was so well received, he could tie that in to Hollywood’s love of remakes and play his character – Alan Strang – in a new cinematic take on the story, as a solid first step.

It’d be a huge leap away from his Potter years and firmly establish him as a mature actor. Just don't let him do a cowboy film. Too many horses.

Next: Emma Watson

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Emma Watson

Role: Hermione Granger

Off-Potter Work: Watson hasn’t attempted quite as much as her male co-stars, but she’s picked up a few roles here and there.

You might recognise her as the voice of Princess Pea in The Tale Of Despereaux, and she also cropped up in TV drama Ballet Shoes.

She’s been spiky and funny on chat shows both sides of the pond, but she hasn’t exactly done a lot – besides some partying – to seek out roles that are different from Hermione.

In The Future? She's pausing from her acting career to go to America to study, but has hinted she'll back to acting afterward.

The next Keira Knightley, then? She'll have to hurry up – she’s got competition from the likes of Carey Mulligan for hot young new starlet.

Romantic comedies seem to be more her thing, having expressed an interest in doing something light-heartened after the darkness of Potter.

Until, of course, she agrees to be the new Moneypenny once the re-invigorated Bond franchise finally finds a way to incorporate the character that works with the current style.

Next: Rupert Grint

Rupert Grint

Role: Ron Weasley

Off-Potter Work: Of the three leads, Grint is the one who’s been doing the most between films (partly because he doesn’t ever get as much to do on-screen as the others and has more time off).

Early on, he made Thunderpants (he was young, he, um, needed the money?) and when not shooting Potter pics, he’s won good critical responses for his roles in Driving Lessons and really broken out of the Ron mould with Cherrybomb.

It’s a sweary, sweaty, sleazy, truly grown up role, a million miles away from the slapdash scaredy cat redhead.

In The Future? Cherry Bomb looks like his way to a brighter, meatier future will be with acting roles that really stretch him.

We’re not sure we see him becoming the new Ralph Fiennes or anything, but he’s a likeable, charismatic sort, so maybe a Colin Farrell-style route is better for him.

Not sure about him becoming a sex symbol, but we bet he’ll seek out some interesting indies, though.

Next: Tom Felton

Tom Felton

Role: Draco Malfoy

Off-Potter Work: He hasn’t exactly done a lot – one horror movie (little-seen Greg Wise pic The Disappeared), and he’s got another one (13Hrs) juddering away in post-production.

Oh, and since becoming Malfoy, he’s taken on a couple of small TV roles.

Mostly he’s become known as the girls’ favourite, since a lot of Potter fandom sees him as the attractive bad boy (at least when he’s sneering and mocking Harry and co).

In The Future? Since he plays Jason Isaacs’ son, and Isaacs tends to take him under his wing when he’s on the Potter set, we see him following in the man’s footsteps and building on that love-to-hate attitude.

He could forge a decent career as a bad boy in several movies, perhaps even emulating Isaacs further by hooking up with a genre director who casts him habitually.

It might not be a star-making move, but you don’t see Isaacs complaining – he’s worked steadily for years and has a huge cult following.

He’s also sought out some more enjoyable character parts, splitting his time between TV (the likes of American shows such as Brotherhood and The West Wing) and movies.

Let’s have Isaacs introduce Felton to Paul Greengrass and see where it leads…

Next: Matthew Lewis

Matthew Lewis

Role: Neville Longbottom

Off-Potter Work: His part as the nervy, shy and comic relief-laden Neville hasn’t exactly had casting directors beating a path to his door.

He’s mostly appeared in the Potter movies and made the most of the small amount of fame it’s brought him.

Which is a shame, since he had a decent TV guest-starring career going before Potter. Perhaps he’s too identified with Nev?

In The Future? Time to strike out and make the most of the fact that he’s matured from the stumbling, big-toothed child into a bloke with decent looks (and the ability to charm the ladies, if the arm-candy he sports at premieres is anything to go by.

Looking deep into the mists of the future, we see him perhaps taking more of a Paddy Considine role – indie pics and some solid character work to establish himself beyond the franchise.

Next: Bonnie Wright

Bonnie Wright

Role: Ginny Weasley

Off-Potter Work: Since joining the franchise with the first film as Ron’s winsome younger sister, Wright’s acting life has mostly been confined to the magical world.

She nabbed a small voice role in Disney ‘toon series The Replacements, and played the young Agatha Christie in a TV movie.

But that’s been about it.

In The Future? She’s on record as saying that she wants to continue acting and also to study the craft at university.

With that in mind, she could do worse than to look at Natalie Portman for guidance, who has struck a good balance between studying and some satisfying roles. She's even started directing.

And crucially, she needs to find a character that isn't just known as the 'ginger one's little sister'.

Next: Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson

Role: Cedric Diggory

Off-Potter Work: He only had the small role in two of the Potter pics – Goblet Of Fire and Order Of The Phoenix as the heroic Cedric, so it's not like he's forever shackled to it.

We just hope he doesn't go plumping for a part where millions of people - girls, let's say - will end up adoring him.

In The Future? No idea. Doesn’t seem like he’s done a lot since Potter.

He starred in How To Be, but that didn’t set the box office alight. He also played Salvador Dali. Oh, and something about vampires?

So… porn, maybe?

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The 20 Most Misquoted Movie Lines
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The 20 Most Misquoted Movie Lines

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:39:14 GMT

This week, the DVD Club’s Twitter hounds are tackling Dirty Harry.

One of Clint Eastwood’s most famous lines in the movie frequently gets misquoted (see below).

And that got us to thinking of the most famous film dialogue that people get wrong. And how we could suggest an alternative.

So check out the lines and don’t forget to show up tonight at 8pm (GMT) for some brutal cop action at DVD Club.

Dirty Harry (1971)

What People Say: “Do you feel lucky, punk?"  

What The Film Really Said: "Ah, I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Excuse me, sir, but current police guidelines mean I am required to inform you of the still-loaded nature of my weapon. I would also warn you that it is statistically likely that you will face a life-terminating situation should I discharge it.”

Wall Street (1987)

What People Say: "Greed is good!"

  What The Film Really Said: "The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Loadsamoneeeeey!”

Next: The Empire Strikes Back & Apocalypse Now

[Page-break]

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

What People Say: "Luke, I am your father."  

What The Film Really Said: "No. I am your father."

And for the pedantic among you, the line said on camera was “Obi Wan killed your father.” The dub was made to include the twist.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Luke… I’ve got something to tell you. You know that Princess you kissed? It’s sort of awkward… Oh, and sorry about the hand.”

Apocalypse Now (1979)

What People Say: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory!"

What The Film Really Said: "You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know, that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smells like victory."

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: What do I smell? Is it you, son? You really need to change those pants if you’re going to stay in this war.”

Next: The Graduate & Casablanca

[Page-break] 

The Graduate (1967)

What People Say: "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?"

What The Film Really Said: "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Hey, baby… I like the way your wattle hangs…”

Casablanca (1942)

What People Say: "Play it again, Sam."

What The Film Really Said: "You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can. Play it!"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Do you know chopsticks?”

Next: Tarzan & Snow White

[Page-break]

Tarzan, The Ape Man (1932)

What People Say: “Me Tarzan, you Jane!” 

What The Film Really Said: Jane: (pointing to herself) Jane. Tarzan: (he points at her) Jane.  Jane: And you? (She points at him) You? Tarzan: (stabbing himself proudly in the chest) Tarzan, Tarzan. Jane: (emphasizing his correct response) Tarzan. Tarzan: (poking back and forth each time) Jane. Tarzan. Jane. Tarzan…

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Yo, baby… You ever see a chimpanzee swallow his own head? It's kinda hot.”

Snow White And The Seven Dwarves (1937)

What People Say: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"   

What The Film Really Said: "Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “I ran 'fairest of all' through the search box and I didn’t see myself. I blame Google.”

Next: Field Of Dreams & Treasure Of The Sierra Madre

[Page-break]

Field Of Dreams (1989)

What People Say: “If you build it, they will come.”

What The Film Really Said: “If you build it he will come.”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: "If you build it, the government will charge you extra on your taxes. Why not put in a pool instead?"

The Treasure Of The Sierra Madre (1948)

What People Say: “Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”

What The Film Really Said: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “You want a badge?" (Pulls out gun and shoots). "There's your badge."

Next: White Heat & Sons Of The Desert

[Page-break]

White Heat (1949)

What People Say: “Top of the world, ma!”

What The Film Really Said: “Made it, Ma. Top of the world!”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Hey, ma! It’s the best day ever! I hope nothing explodes and ruins it!”

Sons Of The Desert (1933)

What People Say: “Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into!”

What The Film Really Said: “Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “I hate you, Stan. I’ve always hated you. I hate your ever-living guts.”

Next: Jaws & Star Trek IV

[Page-break]

Jaws (1978)

What People Say: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

What The Film Really Said: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Let’s just not go out in the f*****g water again. That shark’s a bastard.”

Star Trek: The Voyage Home (1987)

What People Say: “Beam me up, Scotty!”

What The Film Really Said: “Scotty, beam us up.” The misquoted version was never actually said in the show.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Scotty, you fat sonofabitch, beam me up before I fly up there and smack you myself.”

Next: All About Eve & Lives Of A Bengal Lancer

[Page-break]

All About Eve (1950)

What People Say: "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night."

What The Film Really Said: "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Keep all arms and legs inside the car until it has come to a complete stop.”

Lives Of A Bengal Lancer (1935)

What People Say: "We have ways of making you talk.”   

What The Film Really Said: "We have ways of making men talk.” It’s usually assigned to Nazis and Bond villains these days…

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “You can keep quiet if you want. It’s okay. We don’t mind.”

Next: She Done Him Wrong & ...And Justice For All

[Page-break]

She Done Him Wrong (1933)

What People Say: "Why don’t you come up and see me sometime.” 

What The Film Really Said: "Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I'm home every evening.” She did switch it to the correct order for I’m No angel, but there was no “Why don’t you…”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Hello! How about we have sex? I’m easy.”

…And Justice For All (1979)

What People Say: "I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole courtroom’s out of order!” 

What The Film Really Said: " You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order!"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Your honour, I would respectfully ask that you go f**k yourself.”

Next: The Silence Of The Lambs & The Wizard Of Oz

[Page-break]

The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

What People Say: “Hello, Clarice…”  

What The Film Really Said: " Good evening, Clarice.” Lecter does in fact say “Hello, Clarice” in 2001’s Hannibal.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Yo, Clarice? What’s the happy haps?”

The Wizard Of Oz (1939)

What People Say: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

What The Film Really Said: " Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” Yeah, it’s not far wrong, but it is wrong.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Holy s**t, Toto! The whole world’s gone Technicolor!”

Don't forget to join us tonight for Dirty Harry DVD Club!

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7 Most Disgusting Movie Toilets

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 09:24:07 GMT

The humble commode, a necessity of civilised society, yet in cinematic history there are several examples of toilets so disgusting that you'll feel unclean next time you even glimpse porcelain.

On hand to help us take a look at these filthy movie thrones is the Sultan of Cess himself - everyone's favourite Human Waste Technician, Kenny.

So, without further adieu, let's pull down our trousers and pants, and begin.

WARNING: HIGHLY DESCRIPTIVE AND DETAILED ACCOUNTS OF FILTHY FACILITIES FOLLOW

Next: Trainspotting

Trainspotting (1995)

The Movie: Fear and Loathing in Edinburgh as a group of young heroin addicts struggle to keep their lives on track.

The Loo Location: Back of a bookies, somewhere in Edinburgh.

Why We Want To Flush It: There have been cleaner wars. A half-inch deep puddle of piss water covers the floor, the walls are caked with brown stains; not one surface is free of faecal filth.

The throne itself is a soggy, shit-stained sham, sans seat. We dare you not to vomit as Renton digs down amongst his diarrhoea, fingers covered in crap, to find the ironically gleaming white suppositories he’s just ejected.

When he fantasises about sliding into the toilet and swimming in the vast pool underneath, the appearance of a sea-mine says it all – the toilet is not only hazardous to your health; it’ll kill you.

Kenny Says… “In my line of work we’ve got a way of dealing with a loo like that, it’s called dynamite. I wouldn’t wish that on my wife.”

Next: Dumb and Dumber

Dumb and Dumber (1994)

The Movie: Half-wit buddies Lloyd and Harry set off on a road trip to Aspen in order to return a case to the gorgeous Mary Swanson.

The Loo Location: Mary’s Mansion, Aspen, Colorado

Why We Want To Flush It: Harry (Jeff Daniels), the victim of a Turbo-Lax spiked drink, explosively evacuates his bowels on a toilet he doesn’t know is broken, while Mary (Lauren Holly) waits outside.

Probably the most lavish loo on this list, you can’t get away with the filth on display in other crappers - but the hapless Harry can only watch as his liquefied crap sprays the inside of the formerly pristine bowl.

Pants around ankles, Harry manages to lift the toilet from the floor and slop the pureed poop out of the window, though we’re not sure how he’ll explain it to Mary – never has a man needed a flushing mechanism more.

Kenny Says… “A man after my own heart, not afraid to get stuck in when the shit hits the pan. Throwing turds out of a window is not recommended, but bugger me if it isn’t hilarious.”

Next: Street Trash

Street Trash (1989)

The Movie: Video nasty about a liqueur store owner who finds a case of Viper in his cellar, and sells it to hobos at $1 a bottle – problem is that Viper has some nasty side effects – melting you from the inside out.

The Loo Location: Torn down industrial building, New York

Why We Want To Flush It: The John here is probably no worse off for having a hobo basically shit out his entire body through his arse, after all, an abandoned building is hardly going to have stringent hygiene codes.

After taking a single swig of his bottle of Viper, the hobo begins to melt, becoming a putrid blue sludge in a matter of seconds. His flesh liquefying, his bones turning to compote, he screams in agony…

Perhaps they’ve run out of bog roll, perhaps his own impending transformation into something a Smurf might shit has hit home. The point is - who knew that drinking on the toilet is so bad for your health?

Kenny Says… “My brother once distilled his own whiskey, which had a similar effect. Thought I’d shit out my lungs after taking a swig.”

Next: Casino Royale

Casino Royale (2006)

The Movie: Bond reboot following the super spy as he tries to stop an international arms dealer by entering a high stakes game of poker.

The Loo Location: Unnamed Public Convenience, Prague, Czech Republic

Why We Want To Flush It: Public bathrooms; never an appetising prospect. They’re bad enough when it’s just skid-marked seats, piss-stained floors, hypodermic needles and puddles of vomit.

But Bond, never satisfied, has to go and add a dead body to the mix. Selfish prick. We feel sorry for the henchman, while others get the dignity of dying in a Secret Volcano Base, he dies in a public piss pot. Boo.

The floor is flooded, sinks shot off the wall, mirrors smashed, and the cubicles demolished, meaning the dirty pervs who frequent such places will be able to watch you having a poo. Bad times for bowel movements.

Kenny Says… “Found a floater in a septic tank once; my ex-wife. Next time I’ll try and hide the body better.”

Next: Reservoir Dogs

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

The Movie: Stylish heist drama without the heist, the Dogs commit a jewellery job that goes wrong, and then try to work out if there’s a traitor in their midst.

The Loo Location: Fictional train station bathroom, Los Angeles.

Why We Want To Flush It: This toilet is full of filth it’s true, but perhaps not the kind you’d be expecting. It’s full of pigs you see, fuzz, dirt… in other words, police; and they’re gonna make you so nervous you’ll forget how to piss.

Undercover Agent Mr. Orange (Tim Roth) is telling the rest of the gang his commode story, an anecdote designed to give him kudos among his criminal peers. Anecdote or not, that’s one shitter we’re steering clear of.

Yes, the facilities are top notch, and clean, but its just that here at TF we’ve got a jacket… one that’s made from parking fines, and well, we’d rather pee our Spider-Man boxers than do a stretch.

Kenny says… “Even in my vast experience, I’ve never come across a way of getting rid of that kind of filth. Found a truncheon blocking a shit pipe once, but the less about that the better.”

Next: The Shawshank Redemption

The Shawshank Redemption (1991)

The Movie: Prison saga chronicling the friendship of lifers Andy and Red, while they serve their time at Shawshank State Prison in Maine.

The Loo Location: The sewer pipe underneath Shawshank Prison.

Why We Want To Flush It: What is the price of freedom? Is it a crawl through half a mile of shit in a pipe you’re barely big enough to fit in? Ask us after we’ve done 20 years for a crime we didn’t commit.

But with 20 years to plan the perfect escape, we would have probably worked out a way to flush the faeces out of the pipe before we had to climb through it.

The thought of crawling face first through years of poorly nourished prisoners poop, fetid excrement caked on to your face, in your nostrils, your mouth – it’s enough to make prison seem a good alternative.

Kenny Says… “That’s what I consider a good day. I’d be down that pipe quicker than a curry through your colon.”

Next: Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

The Movie: Feel good drama about a boy’s rise from the slums of Mumbai to winning both a fortune on national TV and the heart of the woman he loves.

The Loo Location: Juhu Slums, Mumbai, India

Why We Want To Flush It: Less of a toilet, more like The Shitting Fields, this massive open cess pit cuts out unnecessary plumbing, and dumps your load straight onto the shit tip.

The ocean of excrement is one of the most repulsive sights in cinema, not only because of the hundreds of tonnes of turdage, but because it is so close to people’s homes.

This toilet gives new meaning to the phrase “Up shit creek”. When Jamal decides to go for a faecal frolic, he emerges covered head to toe in the stuff, a veritable poopsicle.

Kenny says… “I’ve seen something similar at Big Day Out back ’96; a couple of the toilets leaked a river of shit and piss right through the camp.

Best practical joke I ever pulled - that'll teach the hippies.”

Any toilets that make you want to vomit? Leave a comment...

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GI Joe: The Evolution Of An Action Figure

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 09:24:03 GMT

Earlier this summer, totalfilm.com took a trip to Hasbro's Rhode Island offices to see how GI Joe actors are transformed into action figures...

From the outside, Hasbro HQ looks like any other small industrial unit. Then you notice the seven-foot tall statue of Mr. Potato-Head near the front door...

Behind this redbrick exterior lurks fanboy heaven. Every surface of every work station, office and corridor is crammed with Spider-Man toys, Iron Man stickers, GI Joe guns, Monopoly sets, Transformers merchandise and comic books.

It took a good ten minutes for Total Film to simply stop drooling and get down to the nitty gritty business we were there for. Namely? Seeing just how movie action figures get made.

The Story Behind The A-Team

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 09:23:59 GMT

It’s been more than a decade, but the movie based on classic ‘80s action/comedy TV show The A-Team finally looks like it’ll happen.

We’ve seemingly been through more script drafts than episodes of the original show and a wide variety of dream and (occasionally solid) casting choices have come and gone.

So with more casting rumours swirling, we thought we’d take a look back at the long, tough road through development hell these soldiers of fortune have taken so far…

1. “In 1972…”

While the actual A-Team’s story starts during the Vietnam War – where the titular group of Special Forces soldiers were framed for a robbery in Hanoi that was carried out under orders and thrown in a military slammer – the show itself launched in January 1983.

The brain-spawn of writer/producers Stephen J Cannell and Frank Lupo, the killer concept for the show was the group of former soldiers who, having escaped from a maximum-security prison, were mercenaries.

But these were no ordinary, gun-running/body guarding/deadly deed-doing mercenaries, oh, no: this lot were on the side of the good guys.

Yes, the eclectic group – leader Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith (George Peppard), strong man Sergeant BA “Bad Attitude” Baracus (Mr T), smooth talking fixer Lieutenant Templeton “Faceman” Peck (Dirk Benedict) and pilot/crazed loon Captain HM “Howlin’ Mad” Murdock (Dwight Schultz) – travelled together in their iconic van helping people out.

The episodes usually ran to a pattern – someone would track down the team, ask for assistance (against, say a crooked landowner looking to throw them off their property) and Hannibal & co would cook up schemes to stop the baddies.

They’d inevitably get captured and were usually locked in some sort of garage or shed, where they’d construct a tank/cannons/some other sort of weapon out of spare parts.

Then, they’d burst out, shoot everything in site (but not really kill anyone) and save the day. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Admittedly, it wasn’t always quite that simple, but that’s the basic concept for the show. There were also secondary characters, such as Colonel Decker (Lance Gault), who hunted the team during the third and fourth seasons, intending to return them to jail.

Despite network concerns that it wouldn’t be popular, the show became a huge hit and lasted for five seasons between 1983 and 1987, pumping out 98 episodes along the way.

Naturally, since Hollywood loves turning recognizable old properties into movies, a film version was somehow inevitable. But it would take a while…

Next: Universal Soldiers

[Page-break]

Universal Soldiers

Initial rights holders Universal first floated the idea of an A-Team film a mere nine years after the show went off the air.

It was early days, but the studio seemed convinced it had a winner on its hands.

With original producer Cannell on hand to guide the early development, Variety reported that the studio had hired Under Siege 2 co-writer Richard Hatem to bash out the first draft of a script for what Cannell says will be “on par with any other major action release.”

But hopefully better than Under Siege 2, right?

And just who was being considered for Hannibal at the time? Only one of the biggest movie stars going – Mel Gibson.

Plus, because no genre project with a history can be announced without nods to former cast members-turned-icons, the studio later said it wanted Mr T, Dwight Schultz and Dirk Benedict to have cameos.

Over the years, this fan-baiting mention of cameos has never quite gone away, though it remains to be seen if any of the remaining original cast actually sign up.

But despite Universal’s enthusiasm, nothing every seemed to really come of the studio’s work on the film, and it slipped into development hell…

Until the year 2000, that is.

Next: Into the Fox hole

Into The Fox Hole

Yes, as the world breathed a sigh of relief that every computer hadn’t suddenly stopped working or decided to do a Skynet and attempt to destroy humanity with the dawn of Y2K, the A-Team film was slumbering deeply in the vaults of turnaround.

But in August of 2000, Top Cow productions (the movie arm of the comic book company) saw their chance and snagged the rights, selling them to Fox 2000. And with Charlie’s Angels hitting it big, it seems only natural that the team would be back in focus.

"The A-Team will be a live-action feature. It will be totally re-imagined, with a contemporary feel,” Top Cow’s Spike Seldin told Variety. “It will likely have substantially younger characters than its forerunner."

"It'll be a big-budget movie," he says. "A lot like what they did with Mission: Impossible and Charlie's Angels, we're going to do with this."

The Universal script drafts were jettisoned and the film (with Cannell still aboard) began a new with Kevin Brodbin (The Glimmer Man) the latest writer shoved into the pit to attempt an adaptation.

One element didn’t vanish completely, though – Gibson was still apparently the top choice for Hannibal, per an announcement in 2001.

He was joined by some new rumoured cast mates, with Brendan Fraser (above) touted as Face, Taye Diggs as BA and Owen Wilson apparently ready to sign on as Murdock.

It sounded like a dream team. But it never quite came together.

The next few years would be relatively quiet in terms of actual news, but that didn’t stop Fox and Cannell plugging away.

Next: The LA Underground

The Los Angeles Underground

The mid 2000s were a quiet time for the team, as Cannell and Fox plugged away at various script drafts across the years.

Casting rumours came and went – Jim Carrey would play Murdock, Christian Bale would be Face (actually, we still wouldn’t mind him taking this on, if only so he actually smiles again in a film), Gibson locked in as Hannibal and Ving Rhames touted as the new BA.

In 2004, Cannell floated the idea again, this time with an added cameo name-drop. "Mr. T and I had lunch last week, and I'd really like to have him in the movie, although we haven't begun casting. I always think it's nice to see the stars of the old show in cameo roles in the movie. But obviously he won't be playing BA Baracus.”

And in 2006, the producer announced that the movie was going through yet another script fluctuation, with GoldenEye’s Bruce Feirstein ditched from writing duties.

"We were working on a script for a few years but I didn't like it so it's been thrown out," he said. "We've gone through a lot of scripts that we haven't been happy with for one reason or another.

“We had one script writer who had never even watched the show! The studio was adamant about employing him but he just took the title and began to write anything he wanted, completely departing from the original show. The studio didn't like it and neither did I.”

Oh, and Bosnia was now being thrown around as the likely background for the fighting team.

Everything seemed to be shifting: around this time, Bruce Willis (above) was considered a likely choice also an apparent possibility for Hannibal, and that has continued until recently.

Next: Back In Action?

Back In Action?

And so we come to what we’ll call the modern age of A-Team film development.

In December 2007, Fox announced that John Singleton was the man entrusted with bringing the film to the screen.

There were worries at the time that the writers/actors strike would get in the way (it did) so the original plan was for Singleton to get the movie made in time for a June 2009 opening.

Scriptwriter Jayson Rothwell (Blessed) was the latest name attached to the script, but after Singleton was officially signed, it went through yet more hands, with Michael Brandt and Derek Haas (who wrote both 3:10 To Yuma and Wanted) now taking up the challenge.

Singleton at first announced that he wanted Woody Harrelson to take on the role of Murdock. ““I don’t know who is in the cast yet,” he told Collider

“But I do know that the only person I want right now is, that I really, really want is Woody Harrelson to play Murdock – the guy who is crazy but he’s kind of real smart, a jack of all trades.”

And Singleton explained his vision for the film: “It’s not a comic movie farce like Starsky and Hutch, it’s kind of in the tradition of the '80s action pictures, the man’s movies like Die Hard, Predator, Commando, or even Lethal Weapon – more so than anything else. The action is very serious, but there is humour.”

It all seemed to be going so well. And then…

Next: Singleton Out!

Singleton Out!

Blame it on timing. Blame it on scripts (which have been the projects’ Achilles heel from the start). Blame it on whatever you want, but in October 2008, Fox announced that John Singleton had left the project.

Despite having worked on numerous drafts with Brandt and Haas (who wrote 2Fast 2 Furious with him), Singleton just didn’t seem to ever get to a place the studio was happy with.

Development suddenly switched back to iceberg speed and Fox announced that the 2009 release date was impossible to meet.

The A-Team would now arrive in 2010. Probably.

But then a new hope arrived. Yes, another one…

Next: Carnahan In!

Carnahan In!

In January this year, things finally did seem to be coming together – though you’ll excuse us if we don’t believe it until someone calls action and the cameras start rolling.

But Fox, desperate to patch up work on the film and meet that 2010 deadline, moved quickly to find a replacement director.

What they actually got was a whole team, comprised of unexpected players.

With Stephen Cannell clinging on for dear life as one of the producers, Ridley and Tony Scott stepped up to help out, with Scott Free productions backing the project.

"Tony and I feel that marrying this Scott Free project with Joe’s sensibility will result in a fast-paced, exciting franchise, one we hope will be around for years to come," Sir Rid told Variety.

And just who would swing the megaphone? Narc/Smokin’ Aces director Joe Carnahan.

"This was a coveted property, and reimagining a show that I remembered as a kid was tough to turn down," Carnahan told the trade mag. "Fox hired me to make it as emotional, real and accessible as possible without cheesing it up.”

According to the new director, the plan is to switch the team’s back-story to soldiers in the first Gulf War, which will allow for younger thesps and more relevance, apparently.

"You can make a film that reflects on the real world without losing the great sense of fun and the velocity of action in a classic summer popcorn film.”

Oh, and the script’s been through yet more changes. X-Men Origins: Wolverine contributor Skip Woods wrote a draft, but Carnahan and Smokin’ Aces actor Brian Bloom have since polished it.

And, with a director in place, the cast could once more start to assemble. Hopefully this time, the choices will stick…

Next: We love it when a cast comes together

We Love It When A Cast Comes Together

Carnahan may not have, at press time, selected a BA Baracus (more on the many possible BA actors in the next section), but it looks like he’s actually close to gathering a proper cast.

First up – and the subject of a web controversy when he seemed to leak his involvement, retracted it and then got confirmed – The Hangover’s Bradley Cooper.

Speaking to IESB off the cuff, Cooper put his foot in it when asked about rumours of him joining the Team pic. “That’s out already?” It was swiftly denied, but things moved even quicker in the other direction once The Hangover was a huge hit.

Mere hours after the film won the US box office on its opening weekend, The Hollywood Reporter had it that Cooper was locked in to play Templeton “Face” Peck, the smooth dealing charmer who acquires whatever the team needs – from cars to cruise ships. And he’s a hit with the ladies, too.

Plus every team needs a leader, and it looks like Carnahan has found one – Liam Neeson.

Fresh from demonstrating he can kick arse with the best of them in Taken, Neeson has been in talks to play John “Hannibal” Smith. We’re hopeful he’ll bring charm and gravitas to the part once played by George Peppard.

There’s still Murdock to track down (though Star Trek's Chris Pine told totalfilm.com during that film's junket that he'd love to take part in any of the roles), not to mention BA. And, like the rest of his colleagues, finding the right BA has proved extremely tough.

Which brings us, finally, to…

Next: The many faces of BA

The Many Faces Of BA

BA “Bad Attitude” Baracus, of course, got his start with gold chain-adorned performer Mr T.

While T has said over the years that he’d be tempted to return to the role, most producers and directors have said that if he crops up at all, it’ll be in a cameo.

So who could play BA? We’ve already mentioned Ving Rhames (and Michael Clarke Duncan was rumoured at one point too), but several other men have thrown their hats (or should that be Mohawks?) into the ring.

First up, Ice Cube. The rapper-turned actor expressed a serious desire to snatch the role when John Singleton was attached. “Man, I am so ready to play ‘Baracus. I was a big, big Mr. T fan. I mean, c’mon, Clubber Lang (in Rocky III) was amazing. I even watched his Saturday morning show, but that was cheesy.

I was like everybody else, I watched it for about six weeks and said, ‘Man this isn’t any good.’ But the A-Team, I would love for this to happen.”

Of course, he had to wait out the various strikes. "Everything is in limbo. I really want it to happen and it’s the thing we’ve been talking about lately, the thing on the other side of the strike or no-strike.

“I think it could be great. I always look at how they did Mission: Impossible and even how they upgraded Batman from what it was not that long ago. The key is the story and the director.”

Sadly for Cube, Singleton passed and he hasn’t had much input since. But he could still be considered – hell, he even volunteered to wear a Mohawk…

Up next, Tyrese Gibson (above), who was also a Singleton alum. He looked to be a solid lock for the project (at least according to him), and told CHUD he’d been hitting the weight room to be ready. That, and learning double Dutch… There’s no word on whether he might actually make the final cut, but he’s not a bad choice given Bradley Cooper’s casting.

Hot on the heels of Terminator Salvation, Common also expressed an interest… "Yeah that would be something cool, but, I mean, let's see, I can't speak on it yet until we know what's going on but that would be an incredible character to play," he told IESB about rumours he might take the role.

He just wasn’t so sure about loading up on gold chains. "It's a new day, you just got to give it something new. The kids don't know that B.A. so you wanna bring something new to it and you want to pay respect to B.A. and the way B.A, was created too.

“I believe there is a way to find a combination, I have certain similarities to Mr. T already. We are both from Chicago, we are both rebels in our own way. I could really get that, I could really get that."

And finally, the latest contender – The Game. What is it with rappers-turned-actors vying for the part? Must be the bling…

Joe Carnahan plans to start shooting in August – let’s hope the Carnahan Curse (two films are already lodged in development hell) doesn’t strike again and we finally get this thing on screen…

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7 Actors For The Smurfs

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:57:52 GMT

Some of you may have seen that a live-action version of The Smurfs has been given the go-ahead by Hollywood, and here at totalfilm.com, we think it's a really great idea...

So in order to help the production along we've Smurfed our heads together to come up with the Smurfiest set of actors around, and cast them as the Smurfs they were born to play.

Of course, whoever greenlit this piece of Smurf is clearly not interested in who's going to bury their career starring in the thing, so we've put together possibly the worst cast for such a shambles we could think of.

7 Stupid Movie Time Travel Mistakes

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:17:19 GMT

Sci-fi movies and fantasies like Land Of The Lost love to indulge in trips across time – back, forwards, sideways, whatever.

But usually the journeys throw up no end of troubling questions and scientific inaccuracies (and no, we’re not including “time travel’s not possible" – this is fiction, folks).

So – with the help of quotes from famed relativity expert Albert Einstein, who watched the movies through totalfilm.com's special movie wormhole – we decided to look at some of the sillier examples of time-slip slip-ups from movies in the past/present/future. Whatever...

The Movie: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

The Time Travel Scenario: Kirk, Spock and the rest of the gang (back when they were still being played by the likes of The Shat and Leonard Nimoy) must SAVE THE WHOLE WORLD when an alien probe, distressed at not finding any whales to sing with – don’t ask – starts to destroy Earth.

So what do they do? In their rickety Klingon Bird Of Prey, they employ an old Trek trick and slingshot around the sun, which, we’re told, handily sends you back in time.

In modern day (well, 1986) San Francisco, they locate a likely pair of whales, pick up a comely marine biologist with big '80s hair and slingshot home after scaring the living crapmeat out of some nasty whalers trying to hunt the beasts in the wild.

The Problem: Though everyone in Starfleet Academy is warned about not disrupting the flow of time, the crew tinkers like toddlers with Lego.

No only do they leave both a communicator and phaser in the hands of the military (we’d like to credit them with the iPod and blame them for Johnny 5), but they make an elderly woman grow a new kidney with a pill and snatch a young woman out of time.

Granted, they didn’t mean to take Dr Gillian Taylor, the Whale expert (she jumps Kirk as he’s beaming up) but they could’ve easily ditched her before flying back to the 23rd century.

Albert Einstein Says: “Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.”

In Other Words: Be more bloody careful!

Next: A Sound Of Thunder

[Page-break]

The Movie: A Sound Of Thunder (2005)

The Time Travel Scenario: Ben Kingsley’s businessman has made a mint by offering trips back through time to hunt the biggest game going – dinosaurs!

For a hefty fee, Scientist Ed Burns will lead your party back 65 million years, where you’ll be able to shoot already-doomed terrible lizards with frozen nitrogen bullets that melt away leaving nothing to disrupt the timeline.

But something goes terribly awry on one such trip: they’re charged by an Allosaurus and Burns’ gun fails. In their panic, one of the party steps off the special path created by the wormhole and kills a butterfly.

Soon, time is shifting in waves, massive creatures are invading the present day and mankind itself could be changed! Oh no!

The Problem: Aside from the glaring error that the Allosaurus lived 145 million years ago (way to offer value for money, Sir Ben), the big problem is that evolution and time really don’t work that way.

There wouldn’t be great waves of time sweeping across changing everything one element at a time – just look at when they restore matters: everything blinks back into place perfectly.

Also, since each dinosaur that’s hunted is close to death anyway (the one they’re after at the start is about to perish thanks to an exploding volcano) wouldn’t the butterfly get caught too? Ruuuuubbish!

Albert Einstein Says: “God does not play dice.”

In Other Words: Stay away from sci-fi films featuring A) Ben Kingsley and B) Ed Burns.

Next: Back To The Future

The Movie: Back To The Future (1985)

The Time Travel Scenario: Marty McFly (Michael J Fox) is transported back to 1955 in a Delorean that his friend Emmett “Doc” Brown (Christopher Lloyd) has converted into a chronology-spanning machine.

Back in the past, Marty decides to see what his parents were like as teens – and in the process, disrupts his family’s timeline, represented by a photograph of him and his siblings.

If Marty can’t get his folks together, he’ll vanish from existence! Look out – he’s already fading…

The Problem: It’s based on some very old, very dodgy ways of thinking about time travel physics.

We’ll let science mag Discover take this one: "When Marty McFly changes the past, the future 'instantaneously' changes.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Time measures the temporal interval between different events in space-time, and can be quantified by clocks.

"There is no set of clocks outside the universe, with respect to which you can go muck around in the past and have effects propagate into the future 'at the same time.'

"Likewise, your brain is not going to change to remember things differently, nor will any other record-keeping device such as diaries or photographs or embarrassing sex tapes. Sorry about that."

Albert Einstein Says: “If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.”

In Other Words: if your film is good enough, people won’t mind if you cheat a little.

Next: Timecop

The Movie: Timecop (1994)

The Time Travel Scenario: With time travel now possible, the government decides to place restrictions on how and why it can be used, primarily to prevent people from going back in time and getting rich/indulging in other nefarious deeds.

Naturally, some (mostly US government types) decide to do exactly that, which is when Time Enforcement Agent Max Walker (Jean-Claude Van Damme) discovers a conspiracy swirling around a senator (the brilliantly evil Ron Silver).

When Walker eventually confronts Senator McComb, a big battle ensues and, since the movie hinges on one big “rule” of time travel – that two versions of the same matter cannot exist in the same space – Walker ends up chucking one version of McComb from the future with his past self and the two implode into a puddle of blood, which then vanishes.

Saves on the cleaning bills, we guess.

The Problem: The whole “identical matter cannot share the same space” idea is shaky to begin with, but here’s the real kicker: McComb is not quite the “same” matter.

Sure he’s the same person, but one of the men is from 10 years ago. During 10 years, the human body switches out its essential matter many times as everything down to follicles is replaced.

All that would likely happen is the two McCombs would bounce off each other and Van Damme would look foolish.

Maybe he could kick them both hard enough so that they’d explode?

Albert Einstein Says: “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.”

In Other Words: Based on this and A Sound Of Thunder, people should really stop letting director Peter Hyams anywhere near time travel films.

Next: Kate & Leopold

The Movie: Kate & Leopold (2001)

The Time Travel Scenario: This centuries-hopping romantic trifle sees Hugh Jackman’s 19th century gentleman travel forward in time to meet Meg Ryan’s sassy Noo Yoiker.

Apparently, there’s a patch on the Brooklyn Bridge where the boundaries between time periods are weaker and people can cross between.

Usually the only displacement that happens on the bridge is when time appears to crawl to a halt in traffic jams.

Still, our hero adapts manfully to this confusing modern time, even recognising the "talking telegraph" (or telephone as we knew it in 2001, before the iPhone arrived) that he saw at a fair “last year”.

The Problem: Um, Leopold is from April 1876.

The first public display of the “talking telegraph” happened in MAY 1876, at the Philadelphia Centennial Exposition. WE THINK YOU'LL FIND!

And seeing it “last year” is even more of a feat since Alexander Graham Bell only submitted his patent in EARLY 1876.

Maybe Leo’s been time travelling more than he lets on? Or maybe the writers needed to do a little more research and spend less time crafting witty/rubbish dialogue for Meg ‘n’ Hugh.

Albert Einstein Says: “It should be possible to explain the laws of physics to a barmaid.”

In Other Words: Time travel shouldn’t feature silly goofs, even in light-hearted rom coms.

Next: The Terminator

The Movie: The Terminator (1984)

The Time Travel Scenario: In an attempt to destroy any human resistance, the computer known as Skynet sends a killer cyborg, who happens to look exactly like an Austrian bodybuilder, back in time.

His mission? To kill Sarah Connor, who will one day give birth to John Connor, leader of the human resistance and eventual victor over the machines.

To try and thwart the technological terrorist, Connor sends Kyle Reese back to protect Connor and, without knowing it, help create him in the first place – since Reese ends up falling for, and having a quick one with Sarah, conceiving John.

The Problem: For all of its strengths, Cameron’s first time in the Terminator universe falls prey to the Grandfather Paradox: to whit, if you go back in time and kill your own grandfather, you cease to exist, so how can you go back in time?

Terminator’s is trickier – the machines want to kill Connor, but if they do so, there’s no Connor to take out and no reason for the machines to send anything back in time.

And why not just send lots of machines back to kill Sarah Connor’s dad, thereby upping the chances that no one is ready to deal with the heavily armed machines?

And… And… We could go on, but that way lies paradoxes and headaches.

Of course, Cameron’s theory works if you consider the parallel outcome idea, which says that alternate timelines are created every time an event happens, but we’re not letting him off so lightly.

Albert Einstein Says: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”

In Other Words: Try not to think too deeply about it. Or you’ll need aspirin.

Next: Idiocracy

The Movie: Idiocracy (2006)

The Time Travel Scenario: Private Joe Bauers (Luke Wilson), categorised by his army superiors as the “ultimate average American” is selected to test a cryogenics program.

But while he’s only supposed to be frozen for a year, events conspire to leave him trapped for 500 years. When he awakens, he’s the smartest man alive, thanks to years of dwindling intelligence among the American population.

To get back, he discovers there’s a time machine at the local Costco, thanks to his lawyer, Frito (Dax Shepherd), who agrees to help find it when Joe promises to open an account in the past for him, and make him a billionaire.

Because, as Frito says, “I like money.”

The Problem: It’s an amusement ride. Charlie Chaplin is depicted as the leader of the Nazi party, dinosaurs battle man and the UN is shown as UN-Nazi-ing the world.

We told you it was stupid – the whole world is stupid at this point!

Albert Einstein Says: “Everything should be as simple as it is, but not simpler.”

In Other Words: One day, a movie called Ass, a single shot of a backside, occasionally farting, will win Best Screenplay at the Oscars.

Best work on that time machine now, to make sure this never happens…

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20 Misquoted Movie Lines

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:14:33 GMT

This week, the DVD Club’s Twitter hounds are tackling Dirty Harry.

One of Clint Eastwood’s most famous lines in the movie frequently gets misquoted (see below).

And that got us to thinking of the most famous film dialogue that people get wrong. And how we could suggest an alternative.

So check out the lines and don’t forget to show up tonight at 8pm (GMT) for some brutal cop action at DVD Club.

Dirty Harry (1971)

What People Say: “Do you feel lucky, punk?"  

What The Film Really Said: "Ah, I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Excuse me, sir, but current police guidelines mean I am required to inform you of the still-loaded nature of my weapon. I would also warn you that it is statistically likely that you will face a life-terminating situation should I discharge it.”

Wall Street (1987)

What People Say: "Greed is good!"

  What The Film Really Said: "The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Loadsamoneeeeey!”

Next: The Empire Strikes Back & Apocalypse Now

[Page-break]

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

What People Say: "Luke, I am your father."  

What The Film Really Said: "No. I am your father."

And for the pedantic among you, the line said on camera was “Obi Wan killed your father.” The dub was made to include the twist.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Luke… I’ve got something to tell you. You know that Princess you kissed? It’s sort of awkward… Oh, and sorry about the hand.”

Apocalypse Now (1979)

What People Say: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning it smells like victory!"

What The Film Really Said: "You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know, that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smells like victory."

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: What do I smell? Is it you, son? You really need to change those pants if you’re going to stay in this war.”

Next: The Graduate & Casablanca

[Page-break] 

The Graduate (1967)

What People Say: "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?"

What The Film Really Said: "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Hey, baby… I like the way your wattle hangs…”

Casablanca (1942)

What People Say: "Play it again, Sam."

What The Film Really Said: "You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can. Play it!"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Do you know chopsticks?”

Next: Tarzan & Snow White

[Page-break]

Tarzan, The Ape Man (1932)

What People Say: “Me Tarzan, you Jane!” 

What The Film Really Said: Jane: (pointing to herself) Jane. Tarzan: (he points at her) Jane.  Jane: And you? (She points at him) You? Tarzan: (stabbing himself proudly in the chest) Tarzan, Tarzan. Jane: (emphasizing his correct response) Tarzan. Tarzan: (poking back and forth each time) Jane. Tarzan. Jane. Tarzan…

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Yo, baby… You ever see a chimpanzee swallow his own head? It's kinda hot.”

Snow White And The Seven Dwarves (1937)

What People Say: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"   

What The Film Really Said: "Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “I ran 'fairest of all' through the search box and I didn’t see myself. I blame Google.”

Next: Field Of Dreams & Treasure Of The Sierra Madre

[Page-break]

Field Of Dreams (1989)

What People Say: “If you build it, they will come.”

What The Film Really Said: “If you build it he will come.”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: "If you build it, the government will charge you extra on your taxes. Why not put in a pool instead?"

The Treasure Of The Sierra Madre (1948)

What People Say: “Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”

What The Film Really Said: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “You want a badge?" (Pulls out gun and shoots). "There's your badge."

Next: White Heat & Sons Of The Desert

[Page-break]

White Heat (1949)

What People Say: “Top of the world, ma!”

What The Film Really Said: “Made it, Ma. Top of the world!”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Hey, ma! It’s the best day ever! I hope nothing explodes and ruins it!”

Sons Of The Desert (1933)

What People Say: “Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into!”

What The Film Really Said: “Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “I hate you, Stan. I’ve always hated you. I hate your ever-living guts.”

Next: Jaws & Star Trek IV

[Page-break]

Jaws (1978)

What People Say: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

What The Film Really Said: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Let’s just not go out in the f*****g water again. That shark’s a bastard.”

Star Trek: The Voyage Home (1987)

What People Say: “Beam me up, Scotty!”

What The Film Really Said: “Scotty, beam us up.” The misquoted version was never actually said in the show.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Scotty, you fat sonofabitch, beam me up before I fly up there and smack you myself.”

Next: All About Eve & Lives Of A Bengal Lancer

[Page-break]

All About Eve (1950)

What People Say: "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night."

  What The Film Really Said: "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Keep all arms and legs inside the car until it has come to a complete stop.”

Lives Of A Bengal Lancer (1935)

What People Say: "We have ways of making you talk.”   

What The Film Really Said: "We have ways of making men talk.” It’s usually assigned to Nazis and Bond villains these days…

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “You can keep quiet if you want. It’s okay. We don’t mind.”

Next: She Done Him Wrong & ...And Justice For All

[Page-break]

She Done Him Wrong (1933)

What People Say: "Why don’t you come up and see me sometime.” 

What The Film Really Said: "Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I'm home every evening.” She did switch it to the correct order for I’m No angel, but there was no “Why don’t you…”

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Hello! How about we have sex? I’m easy.”

…And Justice For All (1979)

What People Say: "I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole courtroom’s out of order!” 

 What The Film Really Said: " You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order!"

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Your honour, I would respectfully ask that you go f**k yourself.”

Next: The Silence Of The Lambs & The Wizard Of Oz

[Page-break]

The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

What People Say: “Hello, Clarice…”  What The Film Really Said: " Good evening, Clarice.” Lecter does in fact say “Hello, Clarice” in 2001’s Hannibal.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Yo, Clarice? What’s the happy haps?”

The Wizard Of Oz (1939)

What People Say: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

  What The Film Really Said: " Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” Yeah, it’s not far wrong, but it is wrong.

If We’re Going To Get It Wrong, Why Not: “Holy s**t, Toto! The whole world’s gone Technicolor!”

So now youl know what the accurate quote is, join us, won't you, for DVD Club!

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My Movie Life: Duncan Jones

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 07:17:20 GMT

Duncan Jones' psychological/philosophical sci-fi flick Moon is out this Friday.

We love it very much and urge you to book a ticket right now(ish). It's a warm, wily movie with brains, heart and soul - the ideal antidote to a typically bloated summer of spectacle.

In the first of a regular series, totalfilm.com asked Duncan (above, right) to define his 'movie life' - the key films that have inspired and fired him from toddler to grown-up film... making... director guy...

Battle Royale: Cool Movie Costumes

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 08:27:22 GMT

Bruno is out this week (you might have noticed). So we’re hosting a movie-costume fashion fisticuffs extravaganza-bonanza. Thing...

A flair for fabrics is the only fighting pedigree necessary to compete, and the words 'TK Maxx' might just get you killed.

Enough of the chit chat. Bring on the costumery!

Barely-There Costumes

Barbarella (Jane Fonda) Barbarella (1968)

Boy, the Galaxy must be a pretty hot place, as Barbarella spends more than a little time running around sans clothing - perhaps it's all the fur lined spacecraft... or the copious amounts of sex.

When she does put something on, it’s often so tiny it can barely be called an outfit… then again, she’ll be out of it again soon.

Built-In Nipples That Predate Joel Schumacher Factor: 10

Not As See-Through As We Had Hoped-ness: 8

Cool Costume Rating: 9

Beaten into kinky submission by…

Loana (Raquel Welch) One Million Years BC (1966)

There are no practical reasons for anyone, even a million or so years ago, to wear so little, but this is the movies! Practical is null and void, and thankfully so.

Wearing only the fur of a small ferret, Welch is blissfully unaware of any Ice Age rumors, and was probably the reason the dinosaurs died out, running around like that…

Just What Animal Did That Used To Be? Factor: 9

Responsibility For One Million Erections-ness: 10

Cool Costume Rating: 10

Next: Royal Costumes

Royal Costumes

Queen Elizabeth (Cate Blanchett) Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)

The Virgin Queen was likely so because no-one could get their your way through those multiple layers of material with a blow torch, let alone seductive goodwill.

The filmmakers lavished all their attentions on the costumes and sets, and it shows. Shame they forgot to put the same passion into the rest of it.

More Frills Than A Festive Doily Factor: 9

Raleigh Can Conquer The World But He Can’t Conquer Me-ness: 10

Cool Costume Rating: 8

Given it from all angles by...

Marie Antoinette (Kirsten Dunst) Marie Antoinette (2006)

Sofia Coppola’s ill-received take on the life of the great French queen took serious helpings of poetic licence cake, and ate it.

With more anachronisms than a Ben-Hur chariot race, Antoinette wins because of the cheeky pair of Converse All-Stars that turn up during the shoe and cake montage… and because we’ve always had a thing for Kirsten Dunst.

Yes The Costumes Are Lovely, But Can We See Your Bottom Again? Factor: 10

Ruining The Economy With Expensive Taste In Clothing-ness: 9

Cool Costume Rating: 10

Next: Comic Costumes

Comic Costumes

Batman (Christian Bale) The Dark Knight (2008)

In The Dark Knight, Bat-Bale redesigns the Batsuit to make it possible, in a franchise first, to be able to rotate his neck in a manner that turns Robocop green with envy.

Lighter, more manoeuverable, and the only compromise is that now Bats is more prone to close-range knife attack – which he proves by going and getting stabbed.

What Do You Mean No Nipples? Factor: 10

Okay We Can Do Without Nipples, But Where’s The Codpiece?-ness: 9

Cool Costume Rating: 9

Shown the vanishing pencil trick by…

The Joker (Heath Ledger) The Dark Knight (2008)

With an ambiguous origin leaving us none the wiser about the enigmatic madman, we only know one thing for sure: he’s got a wicked tailor.

Fantastic custom-made threads, including a particularly trendy waistcoat, his colour co-ordination leaves most other rogues in the dust - and makes Bats’ basic black suit look very boring.

Did You Put Your Make-Up On With A Gun? Factor: 10

Kinda Sick Of Seeing Guys Copying This For Fancy Dress-ness: 10

Cool Costume Rating: 10

Next: Red vs. Green

Red vs. Green Costumes

Satine (Nicole Kidman) Moulin Rouge (2001)

The famous red gown, handmade by Baz Lurhman’s wife and Moulin Rouge costume designer Catherine Martin, is the jewel in a particularly dazzling crown of costumes.

To say that Satine is a part-time dancer and full-time prostitute, she doesn’t half get to wear some snazzy get-up. It’s enough to give you a case of the Ewan McGregors.

Is The Dress That Red, Or Is She Just Very Pale? Factor: 10

Using A Fancy Dress To Gain A Higher Price For Your Wares-ness: 9

Cool Costume Factor: 9.5

Thrown up against a bookcase by…

Cecelia (Keira Knightley) Atonement (2007)

Another handmade gown, this time by costume designer Jacqueline Durran, the iconic green dress was voted best movie costume of all time, possibly in a poll of Keira Knightley fans and lovers of the colour green.

As for the winner, well it’s the Ashes, and there is no way an Aussie dress is going to beat an English one - though we feel the colours should probably be switched…

Yeah, We’d Go To Prison And Then War For That Factor: 10

Distracting Us From Noticing Just How Thin She Is-ness: 10

Cool Costume Rating: 10

Next: Pimped Out Costumes

Pimped Out Costumes

Ruby Rhod (Chris Tucker) The Fifth Element (1997)

Flamboyant, as camp as a Christmas tent and with clothing turned up so loud he needs a megaphone of a voice to be heard over it, Chris Tucker’s space-age Queen is almost the most memorable thing about this film. Almost.

He certainly does a good job of stealing every scene he’s in, thanks in large part to the array of weird and wonderful costume changes, hairstyles, and witty quips.

Would Probably Get Punched After 30 Seconds In Real Life Factor: 10

He’s Wearing That And He Still Get’s The Ladies-ness: 9

Cool Costume Rating: 9

Bitch-slapped with a pimp cane by…

Huggy Bear (Snoop Dogg) Starsky & Hutch (2004)

For this film adaptation of the classic TV show, Director Todd Philips wasted no time in casting the coolest cat on the planet in a role he was virtually tailor-made for.

As we all know, pimping ain’t easy. But with his outrageously styled matching outfits, jewellery and accessories, Huggy Bear goes a long way to making pimping look fun. Wins this round because, well, who would you rather spend time with?

He Breaks The Law And Exploits Women, But It’s Snoop Dogg! Factor: 10

So He’s Basically A Snitch, Right?-ness: 10

Cool Costume Factor: 10

Next: Ultimate Cool Costumes

Ultimate Cool Costumes

Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) Escape From New York (1981)

Snarling, surly, mono-optical mercenary who always gets the job done, Plissken is cooler than a sub-zero cucumber because he could kill everyone in the room, look good doing it, and still get the girl.

His dress sense is more out of necessity than fashion, opting for commando style attire. Though we like to think he cut the sleeves of his T-shirt himself, to show off the guns…

Okay, So We’re Totally Thinking Of Getting An Eye-Patch Factor: 10

Depth Perception Defying Awesome One-Eyed Fighting Skills: 10

Cool Costume Rating: 9

Driven to develop a split personality by…

Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) Fight Club (1999)

The pinnacle of male fashion in the movies and subsequently named near the top of every best-dressed character list, Tyler Durden is the man every man wants to be.

Not bad going for a figment of someone else’s imagination dressed exclusively in clothing from vintage stores – so stylish is Durden, so good looking, so damn awesome, it’s enough to make you think about switching sides…

Where Can We Get That Outfit, Even Though We’ll Never Pull It Off Factor: 10

Soap Making Skills: 10

Cool Costume Rating: 11

Next: Fashionista Costumes

Fashionista Costumes

Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

A twist on the classic of the ugly duckling, Andy starts off as a poorly dressed, fashion-ignorant wannabe writer, who learns how to dress. And boy does she.

Going from sweaters and jeans to… more expensive jeans, and expensive blazers, not to mention the expensive shoes and accessories, Andy shows the fashion dork in all of us that with lots of money, we too can be stylish.

When Is Princess Diaries 3 Coming Out? Factor: 10

Didn’t Really Like You In Brokeback, But You’re Good In This-ness: 9

Cool Costume(s) Rating: 9

Walked over with expensive heels by…

Rebecca Bloomwood (Isla Fisher) Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)

That girl from Home & Away stars as a credit-addicted, debt-riddled fashion victim who lives to shop… and manages to make it all work out for the best in a completely plausible way.

Unlike Andy, Rebecca was born well dressed, and her sense of style isn’t just a part of her personality, it’s who she is. Rebecca wins this round because some people just have the gift. For everyone else, there’s Mastercard.

Not Really Sure What’s So Special About The Green Scarf Factor: 10

Ooh, That Hugh Dancy Is Cute!-ness: 10

Cool Costume(s) Rating: 10

Next: Barely There Costumes, Round II

Barely There Costumes, Round II

King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) 300 (2007)

When going to war, the first thing on most folk’s minds would be; how do I not die? The answer is probably armour of some kind. Not Leonidas and his Spartans, they’ve got other ideas. Totally opposite ideas in fact.

Adorned in just a pair of leather underpants and a cape, the arrows won’t exactly bounce off, even if they've got pecs of steel - but dammit, they worked hard for these muscles, and they’re going to show them off!

Leather Underpants? Don’t You Find You Get Sweaty And Chafe? Factor: 10

Where’s Our Gym Card?-ness: 10

Cool Costume Rating: 9

Put in a timewarp by…

Rocky Horror (Peter Hinwood) The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

When talking about The Rocky Horror Picture Show, most folks think about Frank N Furter, or the Meat Loaf cameo. But the most fashionable man in the film is clearly Rocky Horror in his gold hotpants. Just ask Kylie...

The Spartans have nothing on this genetically engineered pretty boy. He’d probably have seduced half of them before they managed to chuck so much as a spear - he brought his own spear anyway…

Beach Direction Giving Skills: 10

Is That A Torpedo In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To See Us?-ness: 9

Cool Costume Rating: 10

Next: Iconic Costumes

Iconic Costumes

The Girl (Marilyn Monroe) The Seven Year Itch (1955)

It doesn’t get much more iconic than the moment when Monroe’s character straddles a vent and lets the air from the subway blow up her dress… Which red-blooded male among us hasn’t secretly wanted to do the same… er… see someone do the same?

The white dress is synonymous with the scene, though a different coloured dress would be more appropriate, because once again Monroe is the bridesmaid of cinematic fashion.

We Respect Monogamy, But We’d Have Given In To Temptation Factor: 10

Where’s The Nearest Subway Grate, Just Out Of Interest-ness: 9

Cool Costume Rating: 9

Face ripped off and eaten for breakfast by…

Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) Breakfast At Tiffany’s (1961)

The little black dress is the most essential part of any woman’s wardrobe, and Holly Golightly’s little black dress is the most iconic of them all.

Put together with pearls, gloves and adorning of the most beautiful brunettes to ever grace the screen, the outfit is simply unbeatable – and Holly doesn’t have to resort to flashing her knickers to win votes.

Our Little Black Dress Isn't Nearly As Cute Factor: 10

Can You Propose To A Movie Character?-ness: 10

Cool Costume Factor: 10

What did we miss? Who should have won? Comment on!

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7 Nasty Characters For Mortal Kombat 3

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 08:06:49 GMT

Say what you like about the Mortal Kombat series, it's certainly got a wide array of characters.

Or 'Kharacters,' as the creators would call them. They hate the letter C in the Kombat universe, you see. It's like an anti-Sesame Street.

Anyway, now that a new movie's been announced, we thought we'd take a look at some of the fierce fighters that have yet to be flung on the silver screen.

It probably won't be possible to stick their fatality moves into the script (the gory final fatal flourishes that, ideally, end every Kombat combat) but let's see if we can get some of our favourite characters in there all the same...

Meat

The Backstory: Meat was made in Shang Tsung’s flesh pits (the people factory where Kombat's big bad Tsung makes his warriors) but escaped before he could be completed.

Fatality Move: Meat pulls out the guts, blood and skull from his foes. Then he beats them up a bit more, as if losing your insides wasn’t conclusive enough.

Why He Should Be In The Movie: Because Meat can’t move without spraying blood everywhere. We'd love him to turn Mortal Kombat 3 from a teen flick to a splatter movie.

He occasionally teleports into a massive red puddle, one of his special moves involves tearing his own head off and chucking it at his opponent with a massive gore-spurt push.

Also, when his health is low, Meat tugs out his own eyeball. This gives him more energy, somehow.

Stick him in and the film will be rated R. But at least it’ll be fun to watch.

Who Should Play Him: Eli Roth. He’s buff enough, he could bring his own blood bags to the set and there’s a lot of geeks out there who would pay good money to see him get beaten up.

Next: Kenshi

Kenshi

Backstory: Kenshi was a supreme warrior, who was tricked into using a magic blade that made him lose his sight.

Please don’t make any jokes about him playing with his sword until he went blind, they have no place here.

Fatality Move: Gets out his sword, shoves it in his opponents’ heart, pulls up, then swipes it across their waist. They fall to bits. Nice.

Why He Should Be In The Movie: The bit where Kenshi loses his sight and has to retrain his fighting senses would be worthy of a movie in itself.

It could be Zatoichi meets Kill Bill by way of The Karate Kid. Which pretty much sounds like the best film ever made.

Who Should Play Him: Jet Li with a scarf wrapped around his face.

Next: Kira

Kira

Backstory: Kira started out her fighting career as a cross-dressing terrorist, disguising herself as a man to sell weapons to terror groups. As you can see from the picture, she doesn’t do that anymore.

Fatality Move: She slits the throats of her foes with a big knife, which is a bit dull in the Mortal Kombat universe, but it would probably be pretty exciting if it happened to you.

Why She Should Be In The Movie: It could be a way of making Mortal Kombat – dare we say it? – relevant, with Kira’s Afghanistan terrorists roots being used to explore Obama’s America.

Either that or it’d be an excuse for a series of brutal torture scenes conducted by a lady in a leotard. Whatever, we’re happy.

Who Should Play Her: Olga Kurylenko with a pencil moustache (for the early scenes).

Next: Havik

Havik

Backstory: Havic is a Chaosrealm cleric, who is supposed to be neither good nor bad, but just look at him! Seems pretty evil to us.

Fatality Move: This is one of our favourites. Havik tears off one of his foe’s legs, then uses it to smack their head off. Gooooreeat!

Why He Should Be In The Movie: Purely because we like the idea of someone who looks like a zombie version of Genghis Khan walking around and doing the occasional good deed.

Also, he has an awesome collection of weapons, which include a massive axe and a big club thing.

Who Should Play Him: Jason Statham in a cheap Skeletor costume.

Next: Le Mei

Li Mei

Backstory: Forced into slavery along with her whole village by the evil Shang Tsung, Li Mei was promised freedom if she managed to win the Kombat Tournament. Which is a pretty good incentive.

Fatality Move: She knocks her enemy’s block off, takes a few steps back, kicks the air, and they explode. Doesn’t really make sense, but it works.

Why She Should Be In The Movie: Partly because of her emotional and moving backstory, but mainly because her outfit makes her look like Batgirl after a fight with Wolverine.

Who Should Play Her: She looks a lot like Jennifer Lopez, facially. But we'd rather Jessica Alba took the part, if that's okay with you.

Next: Tanya

Tanya

Backstory: Evil to her core, Tanya seems to worship whatever nasty deity rocks up in front of her, shifting from being a Shinnok lackie to an Onaga follower in the blink of an eye.

Fatality Move: So gruesome it’d make Jigsaw from Saw’s cheeks flush with shame, Tanya pulls out her victim’s own thigh bone and stabs them in the gullet with it. Nasty.

Why She Should Be In The Movie: Her convoluted backstory would allow the script to embark on a series of incredible twists and turns. And if they can convince ILM to recreate her fatality realistically, we'll buy seven tickets (in case we lose the first six).

Who Should Play Her: Rosario Dawson. Mainly because we want to see her in the outfit.

Next: Mokap

Mokap

Backstory: Saddle up. This one’s brilliant...

Mokap is a motion capture performer drafted in by Johnny Cage to do his CGI scenes for Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance.

You should probably ignore the fact that motion capture is designed to allow actors to perform difficult special effects scenes themselves, and as a martial arts expert, Johnny Cage would probably want to do his own mocap work.

Still, haha, look at how funny Mokap looks. What a great character.

Fatality Move: He pulls off an arm, smacks his foe about a bit, then kicks his head in. Not the most original kill move in the world.

Why He Should Be In The Movie: Because this could be the moment where the Mortal Kombat series goes postmodern, appealing to the sort of intelligentsia crowd who would rather go left, left, up, right, right than stroll straight ahead into the cinema to see these sorts of films.

It’s a self-referential joke that would elevate Mortal Kombat 3 to Last Action Hero status. Forget Mortal Kombat, this is Meta Kombat.

Who Should Play Him: Andy Serkis. Geezer’s got form.

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12 Deadly Girls With Guns

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 08:21:09 GMT

The week's Twitter DVD Club film is Bonnie And Clyde, and to celebrate, we've rounded up cinemas most dangerous females with firearms.

So join us for a look at a list of women with looks to kill and weapons to finish the job; they're delicious, they're deadly, they're girls with guns...

The Evolution Of Winona Ryder

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 08:21:05 GMT

After the success of her cameo in Star Trek, Winona Ryder is back.

At least, that's what she hopes - and she'll be seen this week in The Private Lives Of Pippa Lee, adapted by Rebecca Miller from her own novel.

Ryder's been through some turbulent times, and her career hasn't always been as steady as she might have hoped, either.

Here we look back on some of her famous highs and lows and chart her path from her humble young beginnings and through her rise, fall and possible return...