I woke up this morning to more yelling, crying, stomping and door slamming.

The children, they have a serious love/hate thing going on.  With each other and with my husband and I and with a leaf that had the nerve to blow by (how dare it).

It seems so incessant, the sibling fighting, that we begin to lose our marbles.  One by one, I can practically hear those precious marbles dropping out of my head and onto the hardwood floor with a gentle smack, and rolling away under the couch (where things go when they want to never be found again).

Today I said to my husband, “let’s try parenting them as if they were someone else’s kids“.  It was my own little experiment, and I didn’t like the results.

When we acted as if they were someone else’s, we yelled less, had more patience, found more activities to do and were just better people.  I hate to admit it, but it’s true.

Why we’d rather leave someone else’s children pristine and show them our best side, when we don’t regularly do that for our own little people that we are raising, I don’t quite understand.  But I know my house is cleaner and I bake brownies and I may even shower — when other kids come over.  It’s gotten to the point that when I just fix myself up, the boys tell me I look so nice — but I know it’s just because they’re used to me not even putting on a bra most days.

I’m going to work on being the mom that I know is inside me, with or without all my marbles intact.  They deserve the real me, but they also deserve the best me.

WHY HAVE I WAITED THIS LONG?

This site has been recommended to me countless times, it’s free, I just seriously don’t know what my problem is (well I do, but that’s another post…).

Take a look (click on the collages to make them bigger):

Before:

and After:

Now, I realize the before pics were very nice, I loved them yesterday and still do.  BUT, look at those colors!  Effects!  Beauty!  SO.MUCH.FUN.

I know this is not everyone’s taste, but I also took this pic of Jonah from day to night:

Before:

and After:

Weird and interesting, right?  Just so fun!  Give Picnik a try and let me know what you think!

We didn’t catch it, it was just waiting for us.  First Jamie picked it up, so big and yellow and friendly.  They had a moment.

Then Charlie had a turn.  He said it tickled.

It’s amazing how you calm down to hold a butterfly.  Time seems to stand still.

Even Jonah had some time with it. The light and lovely perfect little thing was bigger than his hands.

Then it was simply ready to move on.  And flew away.

These children, doing so well, I can’t believe they’ll fly away someday.  But I’m so glad they can.

You are the most beautiful thing
I’ve ever seen
You shine just like sunlight rays
On a winter snow
I just had to tell you so

Your mind’s full of everything
That I want to know
I just had to let you know
I just had to tell you so
You’re my butterfly
Fly high
Fly fly fly

-Lenny Kravitz, “Butterfly”

Sitting here in heavy traffic, wishing I could push push push and get us home, I remind myself to pause.  This family, these children, me…all could use a pause, a slow down of the soul.  A group hug.

I realize that it’s a constant state of mind, to choose peace.  To choose love.  Even for our enemies.  And especially when we don’t think it makes sense.

I looked back at them in the car just now, and one child waves two fingers at me, as if he’s reading my mind with that universal symbol, and says “peace, mommy, you need peace”.

Don’t we all.

I knew I was pressing my luck, the kids can’t handle stores for very long, never mind the dressing rooms, but it was that or wear sweats to the pool (looking back, should’ve totally gone with the sweats…).

I’m pretty sure various threats were flying through the air in their direction, while I was simultaneously promising to buy them a bevy of lame toys if they would just sitstillandpleasestopyelling.

Unfortunately, the being wild and yelling was the least of my worries.  For when I tried on my swim suit, and they got a good gander at the hips and thighs that I always keep covered, honestly they were a bit dumbstruck.

I could tell they were like “whoa dude, we have never seen legs so white” and also “whoa dude, those legs are not skinny”, all at the same time.

My middle child, darling little soothsayer that he is, said to me “why are your legs so…KRINKLY??”

And then it hit me…my kids are old enough to notice my weight. Not that I am thinking they’ve never noticed that people are different sizes, but they NOTICED that “krinkly” legs were perhaps not normal.  Noticed that there was even anything to notice.

Now don’t get me wrong, my kids actually tell me often that I look pretty, that they like my outfit/shoes/hair/whatever.  They are sweetness and honey and notice those things.

They also notice other things.

The part of all this that really smacked me in the face was not that they noticed, but that they even had the *chance* to notice.  Those of you who have a lot of weight to lose will understand:  I wanted to be thin so that they’d not ever remember me not thin.  I wanted my non-thin days to be when they were too young, and some day when they look back at pictures they’ll be all “dude” and I’ll be all “right??!!” and we’ll talk about how you should not get depressed for 5 years because it’s not kind to your hips.

I know there’s still time, but I also realize that there’s no time like right now.  New mom, new photos.  That’s the me I want in their memories.

The most interesting part of the trip has been a conversation I had with extended family about social media.  “What is a blog?” “What is this Facebook thing all about?” Many questions, many perceptions.  It reminded me that I can make a living at something, in this social media world, and that many people have not a single idea it really even exists, past hearing about it in the news now and then.  They didn’t even want me to begin trying to explain Twitter, because it was just THAT out there for them.

These blogs, these communities, these relationships that all mean so much to us.  Seem trivial and probably a bit silly to outsiders.  The lives we reach with this network of writers, bloggers and readers, has touched my life so much, it’s amazing that it seems to still be my little secret.

Another part of the conversation centered around having your personal life “out there” for people to know all the details about.  What you write on your blog specifically, will always live online and be able to come back and bite you.  I made a decision a while ago to have my personal blog be also my professional blog, all those lines are blurred for me because of the writing, working, etc that I do.  My Twitter name is both lives, my Facebook account is the same.  I don’t have the time or energy to be two people, so it’s all just out there.  Where my filter lies is before ANYTHING hits the webpage, instead of on this or that account or screen name.

All this to say that I share very deep, raw emotions here on my blog with all of you, on Twitter, and elsewhere.  They are my life, my story of my own world, and that story includes my own roller coaster moods and emotions, it includes living with children with autism, parenting them, becoming a mother to them.  It includes the things I love (reviews!) and giveaways (my thank you to all of you for visiting my “house”). It includes social media, it includes talking about being a digital mom and the companies I work with.  It’s the whole ball of wax, because I apparently don’t do enough multi-tasking at home, I need to do it here on my blog as well.

However some days, like today, I wish I could tell things that I can’t tell.  I could tell you if you called me up (actually no, I don’t like talking on the phone, so scratch that), but I can’t write about them here.  That filter that knows that despite how open and real and raw I am on this blog, also knows that I can’t always tell you everything.  No matter how big and all emcompassing they are.  And especially when they are painful.

So I leave you with this: when you are powerless, helpless, and must sit and wait to see if the future will be amazing or heart breaking, what do you do to pass the moments?  How do you keep time from standing still when all the obvious ways of prayer, distraction, and relaxing have stopped working?

In the mood for a Disney giveaway?  Listen up, this is a goodie:

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One of the many great features on the site is a list of “Cities on a Shoestring” where parents can find inexpensive or free activities to do in cities around the country. The site also includes tips for hassle free air travel, videos of popular family destinations, and safety travel tips.  All necessary to make sure there’s less of the crazy and more of the fun.

Disney Family.com is offering an “On the Road With Family.com”  kit to one lucky reader! The kit promises to keep children comfortably entertained during car or plane trips this summer and will put an end to the dreaded “Are we there yet?” questions while allowing families to share their favorite family vacation destinations.

The travel kit includes a plush kid size travel pillow, a copy of Dr. Seuss’s There’s a Map in My Lap, a travel game kit, notepad and pen and adorable tote bag (a $30 value).  Contest ends July 2nd at 11:59pm, winner chosen by Random.org

Win it! To enter:

1.  Leave a comment sharing your favorite family vacation destination spot for one chance to win.

2.  Subscribe to my RSS or email feed, leave a comment letting me know you did, for an additional entry.

3.  Place my blog button (see sidebar) on your blog or social media site, leave a comment letting me know you did, for one additional entry.

**Thanks to MomGenerations.com for sponsoring this giveaway!

Have you ever watched incense burn?  It seems to smoke from more than one place, two streams in a constant rhythm that reminds me of an endlessly flowing creek.  It’s beyond beautiful, and I couldn’t believe this unspoken lovliness had gone unnoticed by me for my whole life until now.  Just a small thing, me in my room, alone, reading a book and there’s this tiny piece of joy that only I enjoy.

The kids have their little moments, those moments of beauty that perhaps NO ONE ever sees, or maybe even just me, and I thank God for them.  What a gift to notice those things.  Like how my 2 year old loves to measure his hand up to mind, and his tiny dirty fingers are so fragile and bendy and we giggle about how his fingers are small and one day they will be very NOT small.  When he’s a teen, a man.  A father himself, measuring his hands with his own child’s tiny bendy fingers.

Or like how I see my 4yr old bounce his eyebrows in an excited way when I place a plate of healthy food in front of him.  It’s his own celebration, elated that I’ve given him celery and hummus. I smile so glad he loves healthy food, and wonder how I’m going to keep all these boys fed since they seem to pile more and more into their mouths every day.

Or things of the earth, like the incense smoke or watching a bird hop all over my yard and wonder what it’s up to, or just feeling the dirt in between my hands and fingers when I plant something, and realize that it’s so very alive.  And so am I.

I feel honored when I have a spare moment to slow my mind down and notice these things.  I don’t do it enough.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of business travel and school getting out and family vacation and schedules in an uproar. Breathe.

The real Thinking Thin-ner would have been keeping up with exercise, even during travel, and said no to all those lovely Disney World desserts.  Ahem.

So because I’ve joined the latest Shrinking Jeans challenge, and this time we’re in teams — Biggest Loser style — I’ve been hitting the reset button this week and getting back into the groove.  I did lose one more pound in the last week, but I’m thinking I got lucky!

So even though I am not quite back to the beginning completely, and even though vacations are officially impossible to keep up with the diet/exercise thing (at least with my kids…if you’d like to take my kids on vacation and test it out, feel free), I am really happy about one thing.  Portions.  I’ve finally figured out the whole “in moderation” thing.

My eating habits ARE changing, even if slowly, and I can tell that as I continue to NOT GIVE UP, change is coming.  And even small changes add up to big ones, and I think those are the ones that last the longest.

How are you setting the reset button?

Today is our wedding anniversary, and 11 years, 7 moves, 3 children, 2 cats, 1 dog and a million moments later, we’re still in love.

Still saying “I’m glad I married you”.

Still laughing and crying and stressing and relaxing. Together. On the inside of the wedding ring, it still says “one of two”. Through better and worse, we’ve never given up.

I’m really glad I married him.

**photo by Allen Photographic