Trail Blazer Ministries

An atheist perspective of grieving

2013-04-08T09:46:00.002-07:00

My sister Christina has brain cancer, recently she had a major seizure and was promptly rushed to the hospital. The doctors diagnosed cancer cells went to all areas of her brain. Now we all must except the reality of her death sooner than we'd like.

Christina is surrounded by many friends and family, the community during these final days is breathtaking. She is loved and will be missed greatly. Her smile lights up the room, her quirky sense of humor hasn't changed and she seems more peaceful than everyone else.

A struggle she is going through beyond her cancer is..."How can I share my heart and Jesus with my unbelieving family and friends." This is an incredible burden, many prayers are directed toward the salvation of the unbelieving friends and family. Another struggle is the question whether God will heal her. My sister doesn't expect healing but others feel God will or can heal her.

One evening was particularly uncomfortable. Many among the community have fundamental/charismatic view in which they filter cancer and suffering. During a "healing prayer service" held at my sister's house, I heard pleas to God for healing. Phrases thrown out were,

"It's selfish of me to ask, but Lord in your goodness; would you please heal Christina."
"Lord, we don't know your sovereign will; but are desire is for NEW LIFE! You are the God of life! We have the same resurrection spirit! So raise up in Christina a new life a healing..."

A 95 year-old man anointed her with oil and also asked for her healing. His seemingly wise words of comfort and her eventual healing gave many comfort and others a sense of discomfort. I say discomfort in the fact some other Christians have a more realistic view of what is happening. They just seek comfort that God has some grand plan in all of this. However I look at it, one thing I cannot reconcile the omnipotent and omnibenevolent nature that Christians claim of God. If anyone can point me to a study showing God shows favor and healing, I'd love to see it.

God filter. Every single thing, whether a small happen-chance, tragedy, opportunity...whatever it is; it's first put through the filter of "God is sovereign, and his plan is good." I find peace knowing that shit happens. It sucks, the universe doesn't take sides; horrible corrupt people can live a very long time, while super-sweet new mothers like my sister will be taken away. If I believed in God, I'd be forced to believe His will is true and good and I'd be wrestling with that the rest of my life. Since my deconversion, personal peace comes easier, I don't have to process God's will. I accept them for what they are.

Personally, during this time my emotions are stable. I am going to miss Christina dearly. I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful memories of my sister, our growing up years, the inside joke and our own "brother and sister language."

On judging others...

2012-11-11T09:54:00.002-08:00

Often times Christians tell each other, "Thank you for not judging me." I'm aware of the contradictory verses scattered throughout Scripture.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you."
Matthew 7:1-6 ESV

"The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one."
1 Corinthians 2:15 ESV

The other verses repeat the same two ideas, "Judge not, lest you be judged," and "The spiritual one can judge, and he shouldn't be judged back."

The problem lies in the question, "What is being spiritual?" I personally see thousands of denominations of Christianity all toting their version of what being spiritual is. Do we exclude great people of other faiths because they do not match our tiny box of what we deem as spiritual? How arrogant of us to really decide what is spiritual and not. The bible has been used to commit atrocities throughout the ages, yet many believed they were doing what a "spiritually discerning" man should do.
In light of this I can pick and choose what I believe in the bible, but in reality my morality lies in "rational ought." This means I weigh the decisions I make with what the consequences of that decision may be. There is no such thing as "moral oughts."

The bible mentions morality, but even in the Christian worldview the individual still uses a "rational" view to actualize their morals.

So yes, I judge others; not as to condemn what they've done or what belief or unbelief they ascribe but in how they conduct their lives. If they aren't infringing on the happiness of others, I do not press my opinions upon them. If they ask me my opinions, I will try to be careful of their heart if they really want to hear what I want to say.

This is is the conundrum: Do I tell people my opinion of how they should view the world if I truly believe that is best? My answer: Only if they really want to hear it. Otherwise, live how you see fit and enjoy life to the fullest.

My little Riddle

2012-06-28T08:33:00.001-07:00

Without possessions I arrive and without possessions I die. Twelve times one time times 8 maybe all I carry to the thereafter.
When the clock strikes twelve and the second hand acknowledges 7+2+2+1 also equals twelve all becomes the circle, the circle of new beginnings.

Answer this riddle and may you be born anew!

Cute animal video

2012-05-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

You asked for it! Here is 2 little dogs howling to a harmonica.

Sunday Prayer

2012-05-08T09:59:00.001-07:00

God,
Should I feel guilty? This is my last prayer to you in a while. My life has been riddled with guilt, I blame that on Christianity. We are supposed to feel guilt, so we can ask forgiveness. I cannot live in that bondage, and I cannot see Christ as the redeemer. It is free to live as I am meant to be.
Your Human

Saturday Prayer

2012-05-08T09:46:00.001-07:00

God,
Another day another child starves. No this isn't being negative but understanding reality. According to many of your followers this is the result of original sin. Not only will they suffer here on earth, but for eternity. I'm not mad and am not seeking how to reconcile your nature. I notice too many inconsistencies to call you the same yesterday, today and forever. I will continue living for today for tomorrow has too many worries of it's own.
Your Human

Friday Prayer

2012-05-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

God,

It's been a beautiful day and I've been neglecting my prayer assignment this week. I've been at peace mountain biking in the woods, I've found comfort in playing some music. It's fun making new friends and finding ways to bless them. Living for the moment and blessing others is something I love to do. If you are out there and filling people with peace, why do I find more peace without you? Then again....maybe I am misinterpreting your voice. :)

Your Human

Thursday Prayer

2012-05-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

Lord,
I am growing tired of praying to you. Your impersonal nature is the same as it always was. I see so much hypocrisy in the church, although a common complaint quickly answered; I cannot see you moving within your church, only people doing good...or bad things. I am afraid my family may think I have a cold and callous heart, yet it bleeds for others. I simply have an unbelief in you.
Your Human

Wednesday Prayer

2012-05-02T16:32:00.001-07:00

Lord,
I cannot find comfort in your Word. All I find are contradictory passages of your nature. I see a tyrant, one who subjects us in original sin. I am glad to be free from the burden of belief in something I cannot prove. If in your will, let me experience you as many other people have claimed.
I still feel like writing this is a lie, because I gave up prayer a long time ago.
Your Human

Tuesday Prayer

2012-05-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,
Just writing this prayer is dishonest. If you are there, open up my ears to listen for logic and rationality have caused me to question everything.
Lord, I feel more at peace by walking away from you, contrary to what your followers have told me. My search for truth is unending and I am happy resting with the truth that I will never know the answers.
Please be with my family, I'm afraid they will worry about me.
Your Human

Prayer on Monday

2012-04-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

God,
Reveal yourself to me in an undeniable way. I've been told I haven't been listening, but I'm here. I do not believe anymore in the bible stories told to me as a child. My faith in you and the stories contained in the bible have diminished.
If I am to turn back to you, I must see you, experience you in a new and refreshing way.

Your Human

My assignment for this week.

2012-04-30T21:40:00.002-07:00

Today, I talked to a family member. She encouraged me to write a prayer every day this week. I imagine they will be short given my unbelief.

On the subject of prayer...

2012-04-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted a brilliant comment on Facebook and I thought I'd share it with the rest of the world.

For myself, I have never been very disciplined or good at personal prayer times. I

tend to get distracted very quickly, or impatient, or I start conversations with

myself and not God--the usual stuff. The best I can do is to rely on the good words

of others, crafted through centuries of care and by people much wiser than I. So,

for example, I love the Anglican and Episcopalian Books of Common Prayer. There

are many prayers and many prayer services in those liturgies, but a good place to

start would be with the most beautiful prayer service, Compline, which is supposed

to be the last thing one does before going to bed. When I was in college I

participated in a regular Sunday evening Compline service in someone's home--we

lit candles, we had coffee together...it was lovely and encouraging and soul-

soothing. Here's a link to the service--you can pray it all by yourself, or with

others: http://www.bcponline.org/ Click on the "Daily Office" option to the left,

then the "Compline" link. The Daily Office is the series of prayers Anglicans pray

throughout the day: Morning prayer, Noon prayer, Evening prayer, and Compline.

Another book I've found immensely helpful is a little book by a Scottish theologian,

John Baillie, called *A Diary of Private Prayer.* It's lovely and true and wise and

gracious and thoughtful, and there's a morning prayer and an evening prayer.

Wonderful stuff.

And, I guess my answer to your question would go something like this: I don't

know what the hell to wish for. More than likely, I'd wish for stuff that was bad for

me. But prayer seems to change me. Praying these old prayers gives me words to

understand my own experience, my own spiritual life, my own dark, muddied,

interior. And as I've prayed these prayers over many years--I have reams of the BCP

memorized now--I find that I return to those words in moments of need, like

remembering a hymn or a poem you memorized when you were a kid. Prayer can

go deep in the soul in the way that wishes--however intensely we wish them--

don't seem to go.

Hmm, anything else? Oh yes, the best prayer I ever knew was my theater professor

in college. He taught me two things: one, sometimes the best prayer, the only

prayer to pray is "Jesus, I feel like shit." True, that. And two: the most ancient

prayer we know, a prayer prayed by all Christians at all times and in all places is

this, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." 'Bout sums it up, I

think. I have been known to pray that about a hundred times a day when the going

is very rough.

Blessings to you.

Nyan Cat Sheet Music

2012-01-10T15:06:00.000-08:00

Right click "Save As" to save the music to your computer.

A De-Conversion story. (the emotional side)

2011-12-29T16:22:00.000-08:00

You ever feel like you cannot be yourself? Like God is watching you?

This was an unescapable fact of life for me. God is so real, and in order to honor him with my heart, soul, body and mind I must guard my thoughts and actions. In reality most Christians do not take this scenario to its logical, laughable conclusion. For example, where if we really believed God watched us every hour of every day, knowing every thought, we'd act in a totally different manner...in fact live in a "scared shitless" state. Now Christians talk about "freedom in Christ." Yes, I've looked deep into at this and read John Eldridge's mystic way to look at God. Many believers allegorize the stories within scripture, make it their own narrative. For me, I'm waiting for that undeniable bit of evidence to hit me in face. Until then I might as well believe in the flying spaghetti monster.
So, in all the years of my growing up, I believed in God with all my heart, soul, body and mind. I struggled when I lusted, when I heard someone say the Lord's name in vain, when someone swore, when someone taught evolution and on and on and on. Being riddled with guilt in conjunction with being hyper-sensitive led me to be a very reserved "emo" child. If a girl showed interest in me, I had "to much homework." If I was invited to a party, "I'd have to play my cello." Loser. That's what I'd describe myself.
Now we jump ahead to college. My mission: find my own faith. I left out one important variable: The actual existence of God. So instead I visited 4 different campus ministries, went to 20 different churches...and left disillusioned. This left me 2 options, become an unbeliever or a cynical Calvinist. I chose the latter. Someone has to be right, and those damn atheists are just in denial. I didn't experience the Holy Spirit like so many of my Christian brothers and sisters, so now it's about doctrine. The I'm right, everyone else is wrong mentality set in. However, back to my hyper-sensitivity -- I slowly gave up my belief in Hell. I couldn't function, believing something so real...so permanent. So using conditionalist and universalist doctrine...I came to a peace in my own belief.
Now racing ahead to 7 years after college, and at the end of my marriage, I've abandoned any belief in a personal god, and am left with an "unbelief." Somehow, that is an incredible honest place to be...where I can stop pretending. Let the journey continue....

One Republic Apologize Cello sheet music

2011-11-15T17:22:00.001-08:00

Same chords over and over. As a cellist maybe you could improvise through these after the intro and before the the band ramps it up at the end. (depending on your cover band)
Cm - Fm/Ab - Eb - Bb/D

Letter to my wife. (before divorce)

2011-11-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

Dear wife,

Maybe writing you is better than talking, everytime I open my mouth I get in trouble.

First thing, I was purposely manipulated by Ron Smith. (not real name) I never saw it coming -- he started out by saying he was amazed we could even get along...we were so different. he asked about regrets, about what I want in life and what my future may look like without you. He mentioned he doesn't remember specifics, just the overall message...obviously a lie, ie the email to the pastor.

I can't even believe this church can be so backstabbing, I can never go back. I hear people ask Joe (not real name) about me because they know I see him on a regular basis. I just tell Joe, "Have them call me then."

One thing I'm working on is honesty. So, I tell the church what I don't believe, so...they make a public spectacle about my doubts...plus they talk about my affairs.

In keeping with honesty, I didn't want to break your heart. So I ordered the Tony Robbins course, maybe I could rekindle something. That all came to a crashing halt when Ron talked to you and you received the email.

I'm done defending what I've said in the past. I'm done talking-it only gets me in trouble. I'm tired of being accused of selfishness and emotionally manipulating you.

I have ZERO trust with you, and fighting at this juncture only delays the inevitable. If I don't love you like you deserve, we both may be better off.

I hope our encounters in the future are friendly. My family loves you, so I am happy you are going to my sister's wedding.

Best,

Husband

Letter to a Christian family member.

2011-11-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Sister,

Thank you for loving me despite my unbelief, my divorce and my emotional roller coaster.

You know those "emos?" I understand why they have the stereotype of wanting to "just crawl in a hole and die." They think they will save others from pain. Don't worry--even though I understand them, doesn't mean I think that extreme. :)

You mentioned that it's easy to stop lying....well, I'm doing my best lately. Even if it means admitting I have unbelief or understand I cannot love my wife like she deserves. Admitting the truth, searching the truth can hurt, maybe that is why I'm experiencing all the pain right now.

I know things will be better, they already are. I want to grow as a person who is respectable and trustworthy.

About our little text message conversation. I'm concerned about how my relationship with our family will be affected since I've walked away. First, here is what I experienced as I remember my childhood: I would stay awake worrying about our extended family and their eternal soul.

"Grandma is not a strong enough believer."

"Grandpa was afraid to die, yes he he denied Jesus but we don't know his last thoughts."

I gave up belief in hell a while ago, because it was easy to dismiss, even through Scripture. I also couldn't function emotionally if I knew 95+% of the world was going to be tormented forever.

I know dad worries about that doctrine, and I'm worried he will worry about my soul and that get's me worrying. I also wanted to use every variation of "worry" I could think of. :)

Now, I know every good thing is selfish unless the glory is given to God. (according to Christianity) I'm worried this will effect our relationship. I remember believing our extended family and fried's accomplishments or good deeds were just their "selfishness" clothed in "good works." I'm afraid I'll be viewed the same.

I just wanted to be honest with you, and I'm the same brother you've always known. You are right, time to stop the lying cycle.

Love,

Brother

Daily Prayer...for an unbeliever

2011-10-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Impersonal God which whom I've tried to personally connect with,

Please help me deal with the people whom you've chosen to connect. They think I cannot be happy otherwise. How can I convince the elect that one can be happy without connecting with you. Maybe because I never have, and any previous childhood relationship with you was purely in my head. As my pastor prays..."Help me in my unbelief." As I pray, help my family through this. I think my dad is concerned I have changed and knowing his views pertaining to his unbelieving family, I'm afraid I will never have the same relationship with him again.

Psalmist David said in Psalm 68:5-6;

5 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—

this is God, whose dwelling is holy.6 God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Now LORD, please do not make me a "rebel." I want to believe, but I see no reason. God let my family accept me in my unbelief, so I do not feel lonely if my family rejects me.

Nyan Cat Cello Cover

2011-09-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Here you guys go!!!

No Memory is Wasted

2011-08-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

-Jesse

I remember the way you walk

The way you smile

Your gentle kiss

Your smell

Now we are at the end

I look back and smile

I remember every memory

Pure pleasure

You have an amazing heart

And I hope you bless others

Keep moving forward

Remember His enduring love

I have failed

I am sorry

Please Forgive me

Arms Open Like The Sea

2011-08-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

by Nathan Williams

My parents said, “Be careful who you marry.” Then I came home from school broken up with Faith and my mom cried, “We wasted our money! Why did we even bother getting you a Christian education?”

We were betrothed from birth, Faith and I. That is the way of it for most people, born into a sacred tradition, a holy marriage. I guess my mother never thought about her own engagement like I did.

I can’t, mom, at least not now. Don’t you see that if I was born in India or Pakistan I would be betrothed to another? Faith always told me I was blessed to have her— I would be eternally damned without her. You and dad said the same. But then I discovered other girls saying similar things. Don’t you see the dilemma?

“I feel like I’ve lost you. Was it a professor or some friends who filled your mind with these adulteries?” she asked. “What did I do wrong as a mother? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.”

It’s true. Faith and I were always close when I was younger. All my friendsknew her so it just felt right, felt True. Faith, with her windy white dress, always looked so pretty. Sometimes I would spend my whole lunch period reading her love letters.

Then one day, just after a marriage class, some light caught Faith in her windy white dress, for a moment her hidden hips and heavy breasts illuminated like a holy ghost. I stared too long, and was never the same. Seeing the nakedness of one woman changed the way I saw all women.

My eyes were opened. All the other women—the ones said to be ugly and evil I soon discovered were beautiful—even kind, some of them. I met Ameena with her starry glances and smile like the moon, Bodhi with her spinning wheel, Nishtha with her four arms and lotus dreams, Cressida with her Gucci glasses and polyester pumps.

It was a supermarket of enticement, each woman’s arms open like the sea. Yet they quickly informed me, with sincere psalms and smiles, shady super- natural curves, and Pandora-box secrets beneath their clothes that I was doomed if I did not marry them.

To marry a girl because I loved her and we generally got along would be so nice. But Faith—dear love—along with all the other strange and beautiful women ordain marriage a grave choice beyond what feels True, even beyond love.

Where are you God?

2011-07-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

Where are you God

I see you in nature

but fuck it, how do I really know

We are but molecules

We are just star stuff

I can reason and think

but I don't understand

This alone cannot imply faith

I remember the times where I cried out to God.

I felt comfort after...

There were times I prayed

he answered...in the positive

I read apologetic books

They affirmed my worldview

Then came post-modernism

Empiricism

utilitarianism, idealism

and every other philosophy under the sun

All is forgotten...

I read opposing views

I argued finer theological points

all-meaningless

Now I've lost the faith of my childhood...

God I cry out...how does my soul worship you?

A Michelangelo in Embryo

2011-06-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.
-Socrates

There is a scenario in Socrates life that speaks directly to me. What if....

Xantippe and Socrates had settled down and lived in a cottage with a vine growing over the portico, and two rows of hollyhocks leading from the front gate to the door; a pathway of coal-ashes lined off with broken crockery, and inside the house all sweet, clean and tidy; Socrates earning six drachmas a day carving marble, with double pay for overtime, and he handing the pay-envelope over to her each Saturday night, keeping out just enough for tobacco, and she putting a tidy sum in the Ægean Savings-Bank every month—why, what then?

Well, that would have been an end of Socrates. [1]

I'm not claiming to be the next Socrates or Michelangelo by any stretch of the imagination. But I lay down at night and full symphonies nurse me to sleep, (all original) I paint pictures with my cello as I navigate through chord progressions, it's within me. My fear in marriage is that I am "tamed." I am not longer a great artist in embryo, but a respectable man and future father.

You see, I just resigned my membership at my current church. I have to take a break. I can no longer feel right about taking communion, proclaiming vows of prayer, reciting creeds and confessions...it all feels boxed in. I will miss playing music in the church, I will miss the community; but will not miss the "closed hand" issues we all recite.

My wife and I just met our pastor for counseling, I respect him and his way of handling people. The only bone I had to pick with him was a certain statement. "Would you give up cello playing for your wife?" Okay...hold on!! Take a paintbrush away from the painter, a pen away from the poet, an instrument away from the musician and it's akin to taking the voice away from an effective communicator, the legs from an athlete, or the sense of taste and smell from a cook. I play music for a living, I know I'm not world-class; but I have aspirations. If you rip out my dreams, I am just a dried, shriveled-up shell of what I am or hope to become.

Success Magazine put out a great article. [2]

In the excerpt below, the author lists 10 question that must be answered yes too.

Are You Ready to Put Your Dream to the Test?
OK, you may be saying to yourself, I’ve got a dream. I think it’s worth pursuing. Now what? How can I know that my odds are good for achieving it? That brings us to these questions:

The Ownership Question: Is my dream really my dream?
The Clarity Question: Do I clearly see my dream?
The Reality Question: Am I depending on factors within my control to achieve my dream?
The Passion Question: Does my dream compel me to follow it?
The Pathway Question: Do I have a strategy to reach my dream?
The People Question: Have I included the people I need to realize my dream?
The Cost Question: Am I willing to pay the price for my dream?
The Tenacity Question: Am I moving closer to my dream?
The Fulfillment Question: Does working toward my dream bring satisfaction?
The Significance Question: Does my dream benefit others?

This is the struggle for an artist: we may hurt people along the way, the ones close to us. We pay the price to achieve our goals and are willing to fail.

Now, this is where I need help. I told someone recently I am a "ship tossed in the ocean." I love my wife dearly, and she admitted to me after the counseling session she is willing to explore other philosophies, change aspects of her life so we can find this "emotional connection" that has long been absent. I appreciate that, and we our best friends; I find her easy to talk to, great to do activities with, but often I find music to be my way of communication feelings of love, joy and internal struggle. In fact, I'm a terrible communicator through the medium of speech; if I could just play a musical soundtrack of my day I'd be much happier. My wife could ask, "how was your day," and I could sit down and play some rhythmic tracks exploring my underlying emotions then live-loop some melodic motifs describing conversations I had during the day then finally adding some harmony to fill in some of the complexity I experienced. Maybe I should do that one day and put it on my youtube channel. Now I have to meet my pastor later this week and "decide" to give my wife 100% or...I should divorce. I could write another post on how divorce effects the community in the negative and how I may end up. Like Socrates, I married for "discipline." It's so I could control my sex drive, it's so I could "settle down" and create art within that marriage, it's because I love her...

Footnotes:

1. "Little Journeys to the Homes of Great Philosophers" by Elbert Hubbard

http://www.web-books.com/Classics/ON/B1/B1507/01MB1507.html

2. "What is your Dream" by John C. Maxwell - Success Magazine

http://www.successmagazine.com/what-is-your-dream-/PARAMS/article/642

Counting Blue Cars

2011-05-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

I found this article very good, speaks to me in a way I haven't heard before.

Counting Blue Cars