tranquil

5AM thoughts

2018-12-21T05:30:00.000+08:00

Another day, another post.

I love how writing all these down actually make me feels good in a way..

Current time stamp: 4.46am

People say this is the time when you have lots of thoughts running through your head about anything.

I have a lot to say.

First thing first, I decided to move on, not bullshitting but for real. You see, if one doesn't see your worth and all the other party see is your flaws, then what's the point of holding on? Holding on wasn't a good option after all, the more we hold on, the more painful you will feel. After all this time, if one doesn't give a damn well in another word 0 fucks given, please just move on, I know it is hard but you have to. I'm just sad at the fact that I thought you were different, different from other people. Different that I can actually rely on you. Laying my head on your shoulder after a long day and talk about how our day has been sounds so good like in fairy tale. All this will be in vain knowing that you are no different from other people. Say you busy with all the university assignments and stuff but do you know that one can never be too busy? Everything depends on how important you are to a certain someone. Well, yeah it hurts to know that you are not as important as you thought you will be but remember, this is life. Things will not go in our favor most of the time.

Alright, I'm ready to talk about all the background story of what actually happened few months back. So, basically on a fine day, my brother's friend let's name him A introduced his friend to us as we need 5 people to play ranked in our game (d2 btw), we short of one people so he joined us. Now that I think of it, it is indeed very weird since he play with his friends all the time. Ok back to the story, he joined our party and back then me and my brother and his friends were voice chatting at Discord and he asked if he can tag along so he ended up joining. At first, I said if he really join I won't talk because it is someone I doesn't know and it's kinda weird and I don't want to expose my identity. I did talk anyway but not that loud though. Ok, so that night we played a few games and during our break between games I asked what do you call the room before living room? Like you know there is this one room when you enter the entrance where some people hang some pictures at that room along with some chairs, well that room is call patio btw. I was doing my assignment where I have to draw a floor plan LMAO. Back at it, sure that assignment is important for me to reject him when he asked if I want to go for another game. So, the following game he asked "Is shaman a grill?" Well, I'm pretty sure everyone heard what he asked but chose not to reply. After game ended and all, he added me well I accepted because I thought he added my brother's friend and my brother too but later I realized he added me only (well he did add the others later). So, we chatted. ok, sorry let me introduce y'all to him. His name is Michael. (idk, sorry if you happen to read this and is annoyed or what by me calling you this but hey, this is a nice name no worries.) My friend and I called you 米哥 which is so cute but with me moving on, well yea. Moving on, we chatted happily at first and all but on that very fine day, I had real bad cramp and luckily, he was there for me throughout this. I'm beyond grateful for his accompany but I didn't show my appreciation until last month when everything is over. Idk if you can relate or no but idk what cramp is that though because my period is not here yet at that time so it is probably because of the food I ate that night at mamak store below. The camp is real bad until I feel like kms. I'm serious, the kms feels is damn legit. Michael said if I really need help, I can give him a call because he don't mind (it was around 4am that time, on a tuesday morning where we both have class early in the morning, well his was 8am mine is 10am.) You see, him having class at 8am and still willing to accompany me until late 4am, who wouldn't feel touch? But, there might have some other possibility where he is always sleeping late so there is nothing special to him as it is like a daily routine already BUT the next day, he said he really fucking enjoy talking to me. Ok, pause abit. He actually went to have a drink with his friends and told me to sleep early and not to wait for him as he will be late. But, he told me he is wrapping up around 10pm++ which is very early for someone who is having a drink so I ask if he is excited to go home and talk to me, he said yes, kinda. I'm fucking touch and had butterflies all over my stomach, you can't tell man I'm so fucking shaifjasoijf happy and touch. Ya, of course we talked until kinda late at night I think around 3am then suddenly he told me he is being honest about fucking enjoy talking to me but he don't think he can commit into a relationship. Well, if you know me well, I can't really interpret message carefully and might even read it wrongly so misunderstanding and problems arises. He also said that he feels bad to keep me waiting like I want to talk but he don't have the time to reply and he feels bad for not being able to there for me all the time. Well, previously I think I have some good feels to Michael but I'm keeping things slow as we just met right, things shouldn't be like skyrocket. IDK if I really interpret it wrongly or not well fuck, I did. I REPLIED eh, you don't misunderstand (what I was thinking at that time was, oh shit. He thinks we don't have chance and asked me to move on , well fucking hurt was I as I mentioned earlier that I think I have feels for him already & my reply basically is to protect myself from being hurt like I don't wanna get rejected first and don't want him to hurt me first as I had feels for him so I stand out my point first asking him not to misunderstand when he actually didn't, sure girls are complicated :)) He went awkward after that, I can tell. Fucking slow-witted me didn't realize until I consulted my friends about me and Michael. We didn't chat much after that and his HAHAHA become haha. You know shit is over when the HAHAH becomes haha. I'm not sure if it was because he was busy with his assignments and stuffs or he is purposely avoiding me, you know what I mean right? And again, one can never be too busy. It depends on how important one is. Ya, and the rest is just me being sad and emo every fucking day where there were countless days where I cried for how things became like this.

Update: 21/12/18

I did send him a message saying all the things I didn't get to say and well, yeah. This is the ending of the love story/friendship between me and Michael. I said you can either reply or meh, if he didn't reply then I know what he means already and will stop bothering him and that he can take his time to think about it first as I'm not rushing. Well, I said I will wait. You know what is the most precious thing? It is when one tell you that he/she will wait for you instead of I love you. Wait, not everyone can wait but love, everyone can love deeply and passionately. So, when one say he/she can wait for you, you know he/she is a good catch and PLEASE appreciate him/her. But, I regret to say that I'm giving up with given the facts that he finished his exams, not sure if he still remember that I ask him to think about it when he is having free time as I saw him playing games these few days. The deadline will be on 31st December 2018; ah also the day I fly back to KL. Signing out!

ha ha love how life treat me

2018-12-18T18:41:00.000+08:00

People be like hurting me til i reached a point where im mentally drained and eventually chose to give up on matters regarding to relationship like mann, i think this is not for me. Peoples come and throw feelings at me and leave. This is certainly not good for my mental health. Finger cross, hoping for a better 2019.

Anyway, I'm thankful. Because of you, I get to know a Japanese group who produce real good music.

3AM thoughts

2018-12-14T05:44:00.000+08:00

It's not that I don't want to move on. It's just that loving you has become a habit of mine, the thoughts of you in my life has become a daily routine of mine. Thinking about you has become a routine, even though you might not know this but deep down, just know that I'll be there for you. It's a one sided thing, it hurts, so much.

Exams Week

2018-12-05T12:37:00.000+08:00

Ha, it has been a while since I last write up a post. Well, the main reason behind this was because I'm kinda fed up with my daily routines and ya I'm pretty busy for these past few weeks.

Prioritizing games before anything else, even my lunch LMAO I know this is a bad habit but I'm trying ok. So what I'm trying to say is, yesterday I woke up missing him more than usual. Ain't sure why this is happening and why this is hitting me hard again with exams around the corner. Sincerely don't wanna fuck up my exams once again, back to mid-term I feel like I fucked up my ESS (Environmental Science & Services) exam. Getting the overall score of 15/20 which is around 70? That is pretty bad dude.

I feel like I am the type of person who don't really focus and prioritize study but really wanted to get good results despite the effort I put in wasn't that much. Knowing what you are doing is important! So here am I, exam start tomorrow, first paper first: Legal Studies. Finishing exams on 12th and straight away going back home on the 13. Feelsgoodman.

Goodluck in exams!

Week 8!

2018-10-18T00:51:00.000+08:00

This week is suppose to be relaxing but I guess not. Thought after finishing my last midterm exam, which was on Monday I will have time for some entertainment, but I happen to immense myself doing a lot of other stuff.

Actually, I'm constantly facing different obstacles while trying to spend some time on entertainment last Monday after that hectic and stressful revising on Sunday. Apartment was experiencing a Wi-Fi outage from 11th floor - ha I'm staying on the highest floor in my block: 21st. Now that the Wi-Fi was fixed only during last night, my unit is running low on electricity. My housemates who are being irresponsible and not reasonable did not top up the electricity and we were experiencing kWh as low as 8, that was intense, knowing electricity will be cut anytime.

Waking up 15mins before class commence today, first time though! Moving forward, went to university to give lecturer puddings we made and my day ended with singing k! Also, most importantly, I think I saw the person I mentioned in my first blog post, it was a heart-racing experience but after seeing him around the university, I actually feel better in terms of the urge and the hope I have deep down that he will approach me around this week or next. Meeting him actually made me realized that is either he find me or nah, that's it between us. There's no happiness when force is involved, so I will just let it flow.

Assignments are really piling up and I'm glad that I don't have to think about my personal stuffs for the time being!

Stress piled up

2018-10-13T11:42:00.000+08:00

Weeks ago, I hate myself for being too free but now everything changed. Love how I'm not as free as I used to, with assignments piling up triggers that adrenaline rush within me ahaha, i sound like a creep but for real, able to immense myself doing assignments than thinking about unnecessary worries which somehow drained me, feels good - sad truth is after keeping myself busy, that lonely side of me still resurface at the end of the day.

A little personal

2018-10-11T17:52:00.003+08:00

As the wind from the fan blows across my hand, I reminisce about how long the day was yesterday. It has been a while since I last feel this down. Tbh, it is a side that I hope I could hide, now that I'm still recovering from the emotional break down by reading some articles from Quora about life experiences, relationships related articles hoping it could make my life better.

Ashamed at the quote stated in my Facebook Profile "Don't let your loyalty becomes slavery, know when to let go and never compromise self-respect." Doing things that oppose to the saying is shameful.

All this time, it has always been my problem. The problem of me thinking that I've grown up and to not act like how I used to when I am still immature. Problem is how can I get attached to someone that quickly? Had a long conversation with my brother yesterday, he said I should learn how to let go because more problem will arise if I continue - but little did they know that I just wanted to feel love for once after all these years. I'm feeling empty on the inside for real, I miss having someone who'd be there caring about me, asking how's my day, have i eaten my lunch, it is a blessing. For the past few years, I've been unlocking my lock screen with no notifications from anyone special but some meaningless notification from some applications. It's hard for me too you know, I don't want to give someone pressure so I had to sacrifice myself. This always repeat and it's looping without stopping.

Experiencing this emotional break down is a new thing for me because I've never actually experience this myself living for the past 18 years in my life, could it be because I hold in my emotions too much? Probably.
I wanted to share what I feel yesterday, living my worry-free life for the past 1 and a half year is amazing, not having to mind guys around because I sincerely, is just not interested. Not saying I'm a rainbow myself but if you have experienced the same thing that I've been through, you will know.
Now is the same too, with you coming into my life, I honestly don't have the tendency to look at other guys even though they're my classmates because I know, I already have someone to keep an eye on. But, after all this, getting ghosted is all I get?
Posting and saying all these is to portray how I feel and hoping the other side will understand, not implying any pressure or any other intention. I sincerely hope I can get the love that I was hoping for not minding how long it will take, priorities always come first so it is something I won't bother arguing about but if you have some free time, could you turn to me even if it's only for a minute?

Also, what I want for now is not your commitment towards me but just being a good friend of mine, someone who's able to listen to how's my day going and things like that, sometimes, it is totally fine to reply late but don't ever leave people hanging. It hurts. Wanted to be there for you so I can support you emotionally and mentally after knowing that you will feel stress from all the assignments you did. Talking about commitment, we can talk about that when we are ready, getting into a relationship isn't suppose to be like a skyrocket, feelings need to nurture first, right?

My bad, I don't think I'm ready to share all the tiny details of what happened.

Embarking new chapter of my life

2018-03-12T23:22:00.002+08:00