Watch the clip and allow the truth of God’s amazing grace sink in afresh today—no matter where you find yourself right now and no matter what you have done.

The New Testament gamble is true. He is calling us to believe it.

Which of the statements in the video do you find most difficult to believe?

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This is the true story of an abandoned orphan who has learned to smile in spite of his difficult circumstances. I don’t think it is an accident that his name is Emmanuel, which means God with us.

God is with us, whether we are a literal orphan like Emmanuel, or just live like one most of the time. Our Father loves us and wants us to know that he has redeemed us.

What moved you most about Emmanuel’s story? In what ways have you been living like an orphan this week?

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Post tags: Emmanuel Kelly, Imagine, John Lennon, orphan, X Factor, X Factor Australia

As it registered with me that these 50-something folks were there surprising me with a party, the next thought I had was “What is the occasion?” You see, my birthday was on July 1st, so of course I had no reason to be expecting anything. I joked with Melody later when I asked her if the party was celebrating next year’s birthday early or this year’s birthday late. For anyone looking to surprise someone with a party, doing so three months before or after the event will sure make pulling it off a whole lot easier.

I. Had. No. Clue.

It was a magical night as I watched friends from college, church, recovery, and Life Group all mingling and getting to know each other. Melody had asked everyone to write a letter or a card and I’m still enjoying reading through them and will cherish each of them for the rest of my life. One of these notes was handwritten on a piece of loose-leaf paper by my youngest son Gabe. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read these wonderful words…

Dear Dad,

Although sometimes it may not seem like it, I love you so much. God couldn’t have given me a better dad. The challenges we have been through were tough. But in God’s grace he allowed my family to be united. When you and mom were divorced I thought me and Tal were going to have to be the men in the house. But you recovered and now I’m one of the luckiest kids in the world. I’m so glad we don’t have to switch houses every other weekend now. I get to have both my parents everyday. I hope this year that Route1520 will be launched and you tell as many people as you can about your story!

Love you so much!
Gabe Lovvorn

Later that night as I put down Gabe’s note after reading it for the 25th time, I thought about another note that I had received from my oldest son Tal when he was 4 years old and all of my reprehensible behavior was just coming to light. Melody and I asked all four of the kids to draw a picture about what they were feeling in an effort to help their young hearts get in touch with their emotions. When I found Tal’s drawing a few years back, I wrote a post called “Collateral Damage”.

These two notes from my boys provide great bookends for this journey of recovery and remind me that every bit of the work and effort has been worth it. If you are just starting this journey of recovery, I hope this post offers some encouragement for you…especially if you have children. Only you can decide whether or not the addiction will win.

Here are a few shots from the party Friday night. I am truly blessed!

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(I apologize for this video being a bit too big for this space, but after 45 minutes of trying to figure it out, I decided to concede defeat.)

Dr. Stoddard has written two fantastic posts for the Route1520 blog about Paul’s use of the imperative/indicative in his letters as well as well as a post called The Blood of Jesus + Nothing that distinguishes the Gospel from moralism and behavioralism. This morning, I ran across Tullian Tchividjian’s powerful message from the 2010 Desiring God Conference in which he deals with both of these ideas. Melody and I relate to the “crucible of suffering” in which the Gospel comes alive. Without a doubt, it was the crucible of suffering that we experienced in our own personal journeys that brought us to the end of ourselves and offered a completely different view of God’s love that ultimately led to our reconciliation and remarriage.

The main thrust of everything we do at Route1520 is to clearly share this Gospel math…that Jesus + Nothing = Everything. For the two of us who spent years wearing ourselves out on the performance treadmill trying desperately to submit ourselves worthy to God, this message has been life-giving water to our parched and thirsty souls. We have come to understand, as Pastor Tullian states so eloquently, that “because Jesus was strong for us, we are now free to be weak.”

Please set aside the time to watch this powerful message. Here are just a few of the powerful quotes that you will hear:

“There is one primary enemy of the Gospel and it is legalism.”

“The biggest lie about grace is that grace is dangerous and needs to be kept in check.”

“The ‘Yes grace, but’ disposition keeps moralism swirling in our churches.”

“The Law scares us less than grace.”

“Grace puts the focus on Christ and His obedience and takes the focus off of our performance.”

“Popular belief is the only way to get lawless people to behave is more law.”

“We must marinate people’s hearts with the indicatives before we get to the imperatives.”

“In the crucible of pain and suffering, the Gospel comes alive.”

“Any obedience not motivated by the Gospel is unsustainable.”

“Because Jesus was strong for me, I was free to be weak.”

“Real slavery is living your life trying to gain favor. Real freedom is living your life because you have favor.”

Is this old hat or a fresh new way of looking at the Gospel for you? In what ways are we “afraid of grace”?

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I KNOW WHY.

Click the YouTube video above to hear Bob Carlisle’s version of the song and pay close attention to these powerful lyrics.

“Grand Facade”

Where do we go from here
When we’ve said “hello”, “I’m fine and you?”
Shouldn’t we make it clear
It’s alright to shed a tear or two

If I showed my weakness would you laugh at me
If I ran away would you come after me

We hide our hearts, we play charades
Here behind the grand facade
No fear eludes, no pain can escape
From the loving eyes of God

If you could read my mind
Would you comfort me with an old cliche
This is my best disguise
It serves me well, it keeps me sage
But I feel the loneliness my comfort brings
When one word of love could give my spirit wings

We hide our hearts, we play charades
Here behind the grand facade
No fear eludes, no pain can escape
From the loving eyes of God

From out of the dark, come into the light

We hide our hearts, we play charades
Here behind the grand facade
No fear eludes, no pain can escape
From the loving eyes of God

From out of the dark, come into the light

Can you identify with ‘the loneliness that comfort brings’ in your life?

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To listen to the series, click here for the Oak Mountain podcast.

As you watch the trailer, what emotions does it evoke? Does it give you hope that, while we all are like Gomer, God pursues us in spite of the fact that we run after other lovers?

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Melody and I are pleased to welcome Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Becky Whitson to our blog! Becky and her husband, Jim, have been ministering to couples who have been touched by sex addiction for years and we are excited to have her share her personal and professional wisdom with spouses who are grasping for answers in the middle of the chaos. Becky’s contact information is listed at the end of this post.

(For the sake of brevity, I’m using husband/he throughout this post; however, women are sex addicts as well.)

The day you found out your husband was lying to you about his sexual infidelity (virtual or real) felt like the rug of the world had been pulled out from under you, and you were in a free fall. You knew something was wrong, but now your worst nightmare has been confirmed. The man you thought you married has turned into someone that you don’t know, that you can’t trust. Where do you go from here with no one to turn to, struggling with a weight of about 2,000 pounds in the pit of your stomach? Is life even worth living?

Through the process of God’s timing, the darkness of night turns into the light of day. When you put yourself into the process of recovery, with God’s help, the darkness you are experiencing now will turn into a light that you can only hope for at this time. Other people who have experienced this hope restored will be of great benefit in your journey.

Here is an outline of the recovery process:

1. Get to a therapist who understands sexual addiction as soon as possible.
   Even if your husband isn’t a sex addict, a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) will know the difference and will be able to help you with the issues. These are things this person will tell you:
   
   Your husband’s acting out is not your fault. 

   You didn’t cause it, and you can’t fix it.

   Even though you want to know all the details immediately, it is better to wait a few weeks in order to get a full disclosure with the aid of a therapist. You need the support, and your husband needs to work on the benefits of disclosing everything—not just what he thinks you know. When full disclosure is not done all at one time, you are traumatized each time something leaks out. Addicts usually don’t want to tell everything because of their own shame and fear that you will leave if you know it all; however, a CSAT will educate the addict on the necessity for you and for him. You will get all the major parts—ways in which the addict acted out, names if you know any of the people, amount of money spent, and ways in which he manipulated or lied to you. It is not in your best interest to ask for the gory details. They burn themselves into your brain, and it is almost impossible to get rid of them. They make a “bed in your head” and attack you without your permission or desire. You set yourself up for an issue much like the addict’s—the thoughts hi-jack your brain and take over.

   Taking the focus off the addict and turning to your own self-care is the absolute best way to deal with this situation. Explore the boundaries you need to set for yourself in order to feel safe and have some predictability in your life. Establish some “non-negotiables”. Be clear about what you can and cannot accept in your relationship. Some examples might be no sex outside of the marriage, no pornography, no masturbation, no contact with former lovers. Think about consequences if your partner violates the boundaries. Limits you set with your partner may not be received with happiness; however, they are important for your recovery. He may tell you that you are trying to control him. There is a difference between controlling the other person and determining what you need to feel safe. You can decide what you are willing to put up with in a relationship.

   Many women do not want to have sex with the partner who has betrayed them; however, they are afraid if they don’t, then that person will be more likely to act out. The wife often becomes hyper-sexual in an unconscious effort to control the addict. This coping mechanism never works. The issue is not about the amount or quality of sex. It is an intimacy/attachment disorder and must be worked on from the inside out by the addict. The best thing you can do is decide what YOU need, not what is good for the addict. Take the focus off him and turn it to yourself.

   The goal is for you to speak up about what you need in order to feel safe and protect yourself. You have been traumatized because life as you know it has been destroyed. You need to identify ways in which you can feel as safe as possible in order to recover from the devastation that you’ve experienced. Finding out about infidelity is like a head-on collision with an eighteen wheeler. Everything in you has been crushed. You will need to treat yourself with your own personal ICU. In as many ways as possible, ask yourself, “How does this feel to me?” If you trust your deep inner knowing, you will be able to take care of yourself and work through this, with or without your husband.

2. Allow yourself to grieve.
   Grief is essential to healing. Compare this trauma to a physical wound. The trauma creates infection as the feelings fester. You have to open the wound, clean out the infection, expose it to light in order for it to heal. The same takes place emotionally. You can’t just close up all the pain. You have to intentionally go in and dig it out. This is excruciatingly painful as you let go of the dream of your relationship. A simple way to grieve is to write down the dream you had of how your marriage would be. What would your husband be like? How would he treat you? Go into as much detail as possible. Then, write down what is going on now. Based on what you’ve learned, who is this person? What are his characteristics? Working with this Dream vs Reality exercise will enable you to let go of the dream so that God can bring something new out of the ashes.
3. Go to a support group.
   As soon as possible, go to a support group such as the Route1520 Support Groups for Spouses. Other women who have gone through the same thing will be there, will understand the devastation you are feeling, and will be able to walk with you along this healing journey. As one person said, “They just get it.”

COMMON QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS

1. How did this happen?
   This problem started long before you came into the picture. Your husband had an issue with intimacy and attachment before he ever met you; however, some of the coping mechanisms you’ve learned have meshed right in with the intimacy issues he faces.
2. Why do I have to do the work and my life be disrupted?
   Getting into therapy and recovery for yourself will help you see and correct your own unhealthy ways of coping. Some of these which are common are: shouldering too much responsibility for the family (managing children, household, finances); making excuses when the other person didn’t fulfill his responsibilities; tolerating unwanted behavior, sexual advances, or attitudes; being willing to put up with too little for yourself.Your own recovery will empower YOU to be the best you can be, regardless of the person you are with.
3. What do we tell the children?
   What is disclosed to children depends on the age. Both people need to work with a therapist in order to be strong enough to deal with disclosure. There are guidelines for disclosing which provide safety (not secrecy) for everyone involved.
4. Will I ever be able to trust him again, or will I always live in fear?
   Trust is like a house. Once it’s destroyed, it takes a long time to build it back. The willingness of the addict to do “whatever it takes” lays the groundwork. As you see your partner fulfilling that promise, trust builds. Trust is a process of watching consistency in your partner. Trust is enhanced when the addict is patient and responds with reassuring, understanding actions and words when you are having difficulty trusting.Another aspect of building trust is accountability. The addict must be willing to be open about bank accounts, cell phones, emails, voice mails, etc. in order for trust to be restored; however, wives should be careful not to go into detective mode and create more stress for themselves by constantly checking. Remember—the focus stays on you.
5. Can I ever forgive him?
   Forgiveness is possible, but it is also a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. When the partner is willing to be consistent and understanding over a period of time, and the wife is willing to forgive, God designs it. Spring’s book How Can I Forgive You? provides a plan for both parties. Your forgiveness depends to a great degree on your willingness to grieve the loss, set boundaries, and live truthfully from the inside out. “Let your yes be yes and your no, no.” When you can trust yourself to set boundaries, identifying what you need and what you will live with, forgiveness occurs as part of the growth process. Forgiveness takes time. It takes years for a wound so deep to be healed.
6. Will sex ever be the same?
   Hopefully not! Couples can learn a healthier way to be sexual. The skills of real intimacy need to be learned and implemented in order for sex to be what God intended. Sex can be mutual and loving.

Finding out about the betrayal is devastating. Once you’ve walked through the darkest night of your soul, joy does come in the morning. Grief and pain carve out a container for your joy. Peace that passes understanding comes as a part of this journey.

My husband and I are 20 years down this journey. We continue to grow individually and in relationship with each other. 20 years ago, I could never have imagined we would be where we are today. As a result of my own experience in recovery, I became a sexual addiction therapist in order to share the hope of recovery.

Blessings and grace to you,

Becky Whitson, MA, Ed.S.,CSAT, NCC

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Post tags: co-dependency, Disclosure, My husband is a sex addict, recovery, sex addiction, Sex addiction recovery, What Do I Do If My Husband Is A Sex Addict?

Skyscraper Lyrics

Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it’s ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?

[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I’m standing on my feet

[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am

Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I’m gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it’s a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

How does this song impact you?

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Secondly, forgive as you have been forgiven.  Your dad’s prayer was perfect.  See, little tiny sinners only need a little tiny savior.  And little tiny sinners who need little tiny saviors only extend a little tiny forgiveness.  But the great big sinners who need a great big Jesus are usually fantastic at extending really big forgiveness.  Verse 13, “You must make allowance to each other’s faults.”  Now, I’ve told you this before, but if you forget everything else, please remember this.  I promise you one thing, God chose you for each other from eternity past.  That’s the easy part.  Here’s the tricky part.  God has allowed weaknesses, brokenness, and sinfulness in each one of your individual lives.  He’s allowed that to remain to this point to actually bubble up and expose a sinful response in one another.  Sounds crazy, I’m telling you, it’s a God thing.  So Melody, this guy’s brokenness, God’s gonna deal with it.  But it has been ordained to expose your flesh so that you would see your desperate need for Jesus so that you would experience His grace.  And Tray, this woman, as beautiful as she is, is broken and sinful and fallen.  And the specifics of her fallenness, God will deal with it in her life.  But God has ordained them to expose your sin as you meet it in her life.  Your sinful reaction to her sin is so that you will see your desperate need for Christ.  What happens in failed marriages is that people begin to focus on the other person’s sin and not their own sinful reaction to the other person’s sin.  And they begin to say, “Well, I must have made a mistake.  There’s no way God wants me to face this kind of suffering.”  Where does it say that?  God does want us to face our own brokenness as it is surfaced as we engage the brokenness in our spouse.  That’s a tough one, but its truth, and it leads to an experience of grace that is mind boggling.  Forgive as you have been forgiven.

What strikes you about this charge? Are you allowing your spouse’s sin to show you your own desperate need for Christ?

(If you would like to read the full transcript of our ceremony, click HERE.)

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Have you stuffed your true feelings in an effort to please others and be “nice”? Do you sometimes find it difficult to engage the painful, uncomfortable parts of life?

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Post tags: authentic manhood, Ben's story, courageous men, manhood