Treasures from Darkness

Two Songs

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:48:00 +0000

I'm in the hospital for asthma and an infection....and these two songs keep finding their way into my ears via my iPod or Amazon Cloud....I just felt compelled to share these lyrics...Check out the songs on YouTube.

Rescue by Newsong

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus, I need You Jesus

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

chorus
I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other Name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You
bridge
This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)

You Deliver Me
by Selah

Deep as the ocean,
bright as rain
This powerful emotion
lifts me up above the plain
It's taking me to places I never thought I'd go
Showing me a grace I never thought I'd know

When I feel like I can't go on You deliver me
And when the road is winding and way too long
You deliver me, You deliver me, yeah

I feel like a sinner whose sins have been washed clean
An absolute beginner whose heart has never seen
I must be forgiven for sometimes asking why
I was chosen to be given You in this life

When I feel like I can't go on You deliver me, yeah
When the road is winding and way too long
You deliver me, You deliver me

When there's a distance Oh, between
what I am And who I wanna be
You deliver
When I feel like I can't go on You deliver me
When the road is winding and way too long You deliver me
When I feel like I can't go on
You deliver me
When the road is winding and way too long You deliver me, You deliver me
You deliver me

You Deliver Me Selah Worship Video wlyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:02:00 +0000

A Long Night Half Over

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 08:22:00 +0000

It's 2:45...I cough and struggle to breathe. My head hurts from the coughing..My chest wall is sore and my throat raw. Today I went to my friend's house for Bible Study --and before it started was beset by such breathlessness and coughing that I had to ask to be brought home...to stick my head in the nebulizer mask to suck in some albuterolic relief. My husband was angry with me....or maybe, more accurately, with the situation. Why can I never just get sick for a day or even a week and then get better and go on with my life? Why is it that "cures" don't cure me? He is certain that I will end up in the hospital...and who knows, maybe I will....But I know, viscerally, that this must be fought with all of my strength. Why? Because the "cure" is to pump me full of IV steroids...which always make me depressed and angry and psychotic....And right now, I'm way too precariously perched on my inner sanity tightrope to have to deal with the steroids - crazies.


"Hope Escaping" by Cynthia Lott Vogel

Tonight, earlier, I lie in my bed thinking of the dreaded "what if's." But these were not some outlandish things I was imagining. I was thinking of the time when we'll have to move and I will be forced to deal with the masses and messes of paperwork and do-dads that fill this house. I thought of when I ultimately have to go into a nursing home. I thought of my rapidly approaching shoulder surgeries. I thought of trying to meet next month's budget. Thoughts like this filled me with dread, terror and ultimately: despair. I feel incapable of dealing with any of them.. I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to deal with even the struggles that tomorrow will bring, let alone things like these. I felt the Swamp sucking me down and under. It was a familiar but not recent feeling for me.

I suddenly realized that this heavy sense of dread was one that I lived with and walked with and wore like a thousand pound noose about my neck for a good (or I should say "a horrific") fifteen years, from approximately age 15 to 30...I was burdened and choked by this familiar phantom of cloying despair.

And it has been gone --only appearing in random instances of depression or psychosis--since then. So WHY am I dealing with this now?? I realize suddenly: it's because I'm undergoing a medication adjustment. And it was this realization that made me stop and think: This sense of hopelessness I'm feeling is not the reality of how things stand. It is a symptom of my illness. It can be vanquished chemically; therefore it is not the tangible opponent that it seems to be at this moment. Yet, still I know that this "symptom" must be dealt with quickly, because the profundity of the despair that I felt tonight is not one that can be carried or survived for very long.

Loons and Moons

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 13:19:00 +0000

Even though the word "loon" can be referring to a mentally unstable person; and even though the Moon is considered to be a symbol of madness (consider the word root for the word : Lunar)--I promise this will not be a post about the recent gear slippages in my brain. I wanted to tell you about my rediscovery of something and someone which and who should not be permitted to vanish into the fogs of anonymity.

As a child I was --well, a bit different from my gum-chewing, dodgeball -playing companions in grade school. I loved poetry and books and libraries (and considering they all fit one inside another, it made for a good one-stop-shop). I volunteered in my grade school library back at Fairmount Elementary School in the ummm..well, I guess it would have been the late 60's...And the librarian became a wonderful friend and a life-long mentor until she died not too long after my marriage. Her name--just to honor her here, --was Eleanor Light. And Mrs. Light would often send me home with some of the books that were too worn out or outdated to be kept in the library any longer.

There was a book, that just happened to hold the poem I've held closet to my heart ...and that book, back then, one day appeared in the discard pile that Mrs. Light handed me. Not only that, but I STILL have it.. It's called "A Magic World---an Anthology of Poetry" and was published in 1930.

So why all this ancient history? Because I thought of the poem this morning, and found that, I, who cannot remember the previously spoken sentence, can recall every word of this poem...And I thought to myself, as I sat in my dark kitchen watching a spectacular sunrise through the glass front of our home, and found myself quoting the lines of Emily Dickinson's poem, "I'll Tell you how the Sun Rose"--'How very very sad that children no longer grow up with poetry in their hearts and minds...but quote instead, entire episodes of "The Simpsons" or worse, "Family Guy."

And in honor of the soul and fading craft of poetry, and of a man who used words to paint the pictures of the world around him.: Lew Sarett.

http://phunnyfarm.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

Wind in the Pine
by Lew Sarett

Oh I can hear you, God, above the cry
     Of the tossing trees--
Rolling your windy tides across the sky,
     And splashing your silver seas
           Over the pine,
To the water line
           Of the moon.

Oh, I can hear you God,
Above the wail of the lonely loon--
When the pine-tops pitch and nod--
Chanting your melodies
Of ghostly waterfalls and avalanches,
Swashing your wind among the branches
       To make them pure and white.

Wash over me God, with your piney breeze,
     And your moon's wet, silver pool;
Wash over me God, with your wind and night...

And leave me clean and cool.

And just a hint: read it aloud. Feel the words in your mouth as they roll off your tongue: That's "assonance" --and no, it's not a word describing Bart Simpson. :) but it does sound as if it might, doesn't it?

05 - The Resistance - Josh Garrels - Love & War & The Sea In Between

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 10:48:00 +0000

Rob Whitley: Recovery In Mental Illness

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:43:00 +0000

This is a very interesting video on the topic of recovery from "the other side of the tracks." This one is from the viewpoint of a researcher/psychologist, albeit sympathetic to the cause of mental illness recovery. I very much liked his ideas... about dimensional recovery. I have seen this to be true in my life, where I am more "recovered" in one area than in another. Please watch...it is worth your time.

schizophrenia coping

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:22:00 +0000

this is part two of the video I shared yesterday. (This is not me BTW...just in case there was any confusion.) ...Maybe tomorrow or later today I will talk about my thoughts on these two videos. Blessings.

Writing from the OUTSIDE

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:49:00 +0000

http://www.aadip9.net/zoe/author/zoe-chan/2010/02/

I want to apologize for my cold or even flippant manner of speaking about my current level of suffering. I am awkward in speaking about the fact that my mind is being shredded from the inside out. I feel uncomfortable because of the fact that for the most part on this blog I've written from the "OUTSIDE" looking in. And when I've been unable to maintain that perspective, I've simply been silent. Well, this time down the Rabbit Hill my descent has been long and slow..Meaning I'm still not quite at hte bottom and I' m Still not in the hospital (despite my pdoc's disapproval of that fact) ...so I'm out on the loose, still the possessor of my computer (or "the one possessed BY my computer" ) and thus free to post my lunacy and my grapplings with the muddy slopes. I also though am struggling with something that was recently said to me by someone whom I can 't recall right now, but i know that it is someone of an authority or at the very least , someone whose opinion I value...And they said to me, that as a writer of a blog whose purpose is to encourage people who are struggling with this illness that I have a responsibility in what I say here...A responsibility to them and one before God.

This fact, while I know it to be true has caused some small bit of resentment to rise in me lately. Because it seems like everywhere I turn I must hide. I must be appropriate. And if I am not: "jangle jangle," I hear the keys rattling. Being appropriate is not always easy. Nor is it always possible (thus my frequent silences in the past month or two)...Years ago, prior to my maintaining my blogs, I kept extensive and compulsive journals....And they were satisfying and also served the purpose of being relatively secret...[until my daughter, following a major psychotic break of mine, in an effort to understand my motives for doing what I did, got into my computer files where some of my journals were kept and read some entries. While I was horrified that she did this and at the time of her confessing it to me I was quite angry...now I kind of understand and have definitely forgiven her... And I hope that she was being truthful when she told me she only read a few entries. But anyway...]

I had my journals. And I had my secrecy. But I did NOT have you, my readers, whom I've befriended and whom I occasionally encourage and more often am encouraged by. And that emptiness is one that makes it hard to go back and blather onto a silent white page. I'm used now, to writing for an audience. But then comes that "RESPONSIBILITY" issue again.....

so do I tell you of my Golden Gate fantasies?

of my assurance that the FBI has broken into my computer files and has record now of all the info I have and the less than favorable things I've said about some public officials?

of my confusion? of the fact that although I was taking my meds regularly in the beginning of my slide, now because of being more confused and out of it, I've occasionally been forgetting to take them??

of my terror of going into the hospital and why?

of my assurance that others can read my thoughts?

of the fact that demons are speaking to me constantly and I KNOW THEY ARE DEMONS?

that I worry that I'm the spawn of Satan? that I 'm terrified that Jesus finds it foul to reside in me and of my constant worry that he doesn't?

of my suppressed rage and recent sporadic animosity toward people I deal with?

of my despair and sense of hopelessness based on my mental and physical prognoses?

And of my simultaneous denial and refusal to believe in its severity or permanence.

do I tell you that I HATE to get into the shower and that I only do it when I absolutely have to?

That my diet has ranged from non-existent to the most unhealthy things? (for exaample, today, the only thing I ate was an entire box of Cheez-its)

And do I tell you that this entry is the most coherent thing to come from my mouth or keyboard all day???

And does ANY OF THAT MATTER ONE IOTA???
I'm convinced it really doesn't.
I'm quite sure that very little actually does matter.
or maybe everything matters to such an intense degree that it doesn't matter in the end because we are powerless in the face of its power.

schizophrenia experience

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 09:49:00 +0000

This video I see as being very interesting and possibly helpful in understanding this disease. Please watch it...I will also post her Part two video tomorrow.

The Insanity Report

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:05:00 +0000

I know that some of you friends are worried about me. Sometimes I even worry myself. I've been in a bad place-- which is probably obvious if you've frequented this blog over a period of time and then compared my "normal" with my "recent" posts. Not good. I'm having many hallucinations, "delusional thinking" -which to me is about five or six persistent ideas which are DRIVING ME NUTS...fearful ideas. Terrible ideas....which I'm certain are true and happening. And which everyone assures me, are crazy. I've been horribly paranoid. As I've stated before, paranoia is not a fun symptom. NOT only is it complete misery to experience....It is laughable to everyone else. So not only are you a fearful object of everyone's suspicion and derision, you are a RIDICULOUS object of our suspicion and completely gut-busting object of our mockery...NOT fun. Not fun at all.

And I've been having panic attacks....spawned by paranoia. spawned by paranoid delusions. spawned by paranoid hallucinations which supplement and validate paranoid delusions. so you see. it is quite a mess. a mess which my pdoc assures me, must be dealt with by a hospital admission...to keep me in a "safe" place while they completely revamp my medications. Now this idea is disturbing for a plethora of reasons. 1) the hospital sucks. even on a good, completely sane day. sucks.
2) the hospital, when one is paranoid is a living breathing hell. complete with one way mirrors, observation cameras and guards with big jangly bunches of keys. And a buzzer just ITCHING to go off at any slight urge of mine to create a commotion...which brings scores of men with muscles and years of training on wrestling teams and owners of black belts in numerous martial arts disciplines.. NO match at all for an overweight, middle aged creaking body which HURTS even in repose---which develops superhuman strength and imperviousness to pain when fueled by fear and psychotic rage. Believe me. I've sent some of these guys home from work in disability. Don't ask me how. But I have.

So do I even want to GO there???
NO.
Not on your life.

And it especially terrifies the bejeebers out of me because on my last admission, i was a hair away from a life long one way ticket to a state hospital. Not any state hospital...But the one state hospital so well known for its hideous conditions that its very name struck terror into me, a non-resident of the state of New Jersey...even I, from two states away, recognized the name as a place of horrific conditions and brutal guards. Yikes. do I want to tempt my fate and test my luck by going BACK there, messing with my medications, possibly going COMPLETELY off the deep-end. and [[cough.]] Never Ever Coming Back???? No. Not on your sweet bippy.

So, sweet Dr. pDoc, what if I just stay here, safe and sound in my own home? (except not safe. and by no means "sound") Well, sweet cynthia, you just MIGHT go completely off the deepend...get lost in one of the horror chambers in your own head...and Never Come Back from there either.

so there.

so basically, either is s a risk. either is uncomfortable. either is an all or nothing gamble.

I think I'm just agonna stay right 'cheer. thanks. At least my own bed is comfy. and I have a nice warm kitty to sleep on my feet at night.

NOPE. If they want me to go there...it will not be a pretty sight...but will be replete with kicking and screaming, restraints, men in uniforms and injections in the thigh. Do I sound like a pro? Like someone who'se "been there; done that"?
good.
cuz i have.

And I did.

(****note, addendum,post script, explanation:
I sound all belligerent. and mocking. and like somehow this trip down the rabbit hole is amusing me. I know. but it's not at all how i feel. I just had to make it sound that way so that I didn;t start blubbering..and having you get all drippy over your keyboards...................................................................................................................just so you know..)

Where to Go from Here?

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:22:00 +0000

Little sleep.
Much fear.
No where to go.
alone and not

No one can help
every option tried.
Nothing is good
Tired tired tired of spending every day and night alone

walking through my house
saying good bye to things I may no longer have.
feeling like it's an ending to
"Life as you know it"

Someone suggested a group home.
Been there done that.
It sounds somewhat better now.
Now that I know I have sz and am not "above that"

My useless pointlessness is unmasked
no more pretending to be normal.
It is not a setback
It is what it is.

I am what I am.
I would not be so alone.
I would not be disappointing expectations

I want to be around those who know
I don't want to fail.expectations.
hospitals are not options or solutions
Not for me...Now.

Maybe it's time.

God's Checkered Flag

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 06:35:00 +0000

For those of you who've read my response to the comments in the post one older than this, you will recognize this topic...but I hope you will stick with it and read this , the "expanded version" as well, because I really think there is more to be said about it than I've already said in that comment.

I was exploring my response to the question of what is keeping me alive and fighting for survival in the here and now, when my "here and now" and my "now and future" seem so bleak....at least to me in this moment. Why would a person in constant, really terrible pain, who is alone 95% of my time, whose abilities have been stripped down to almost nothing, and whose marriage is difficult and whose love is largely one-sided--and whose future earthly destination is very likely a nursing home at a relatively young age...why would I fight to maintain such a life by going to expensive MD appointments for one example?

And in my response to that question, I came up with another question:,"If a person pursues life in the here and now, does it increase their heavenly reward?" I mean after all, isn't our reward and interest in the life to come? Why should we seek to remain in discomfort and apparent uselessness here and now?

And I will explore that question momentarily...but firstly I DO want to say that I am approaching this question from the viewpoint of someone who believes in and who is committed to Y'shua, the Son of God, Jesus: (all different names for the same man/God). And there IS an answer which is relevent for those of you who read who are not yet in that position. And I believe that the answer for you is this : God extends your life another moment, another day, or another year or more...for the sole purpose of giving you opportunity after opportunity to come to know his Son...and to decide to give him a role in your life: the role of your King, Lord, and the Lover of your soul.

2 Peter 3:9

The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.

New Living Translation (NLT)

The above Scripture refers to God's promise to return to earth to judge the living and the dead and to give his children new eternal bodies and life. And I mentioned above that you have "chance after chance" --and I want to qualify that by saying that some of you have chance after chance....some of you may not live to the end of today....and this may be your only chance to make this decision. You cannot presume that you will have numerous chances because as we all know, life is precarious and can end very suddenly and without warning. So do not delay...and you will find, as you come to really know God that you were not missing anything by remaining in your years or days of life without him....In fact you will wonder how you stood it at all.

So back to those of you who are God's kids...particularly those of you who struggle with pain, poverty, mental illness or other difficulties and hardships...why continue to struggle to maintain this life? There HAS to be a better answer than "because God said so " (and if you know of a verse where "God says so" pleases comment or email me...because I've not been able to find one which blatantly commands that we continue to struggle on and until he says "Okay, now you can come home." Even Paul struggled with this issue .... )

What I do know is that despite years of willingness for this life to end; despite numerous really serious illnesses where I toed the line between life and death...God has REFUSED TO LET LET ME DIE...He has constantly yanked me back from the very point of death and restarted this heart, woken me after suicide attempts that would kill several 200 pound men, and just basically said over and over 'NOPE, this is NOT your time.' EVEN when I've begged him in agony to bring me Home. And I"ve had to ask very seriously, "WHY????"

"Why Lord, won't you let me die?"

And it is there --in the asking of that question that I 've had to encounter the issue which I mentioned early in this post, 'Will I receive a greater reward if I stay a bit longer?' And I don't believe that the answer is a matter of reward so much ...It's a matter of not being READY yet..Am I a believer ? If I died at this moment would I go to Heaven? Yes. Absolutely.

BUT (The everlasting "but" which messes up all of my earthy plans where God interjects HIS plans to "mess up mine" and to do something so much better.....)

But, God has something he still wants me to do. Something that may not have anything to do with ME at all..but which will hugely impact someone else. Maybe.

But God would never use me to impact someone for the better without reward for me as well.

But God has a place he has ready for me in heaven.

Call it a mansion.

Call it a crown.

Call it 'Merely' the opportunity to fall at his feet, forgiven and complete.

I don't know what it is....but it's something that he is preparing for me. And I'm not READY to receive it yet. Maybe I wouldn't yet comprehend it...or appreciate it...or ....dare I say "Deserve it" yet??? I think I might. Salvation is unmerited...It is completely undeserved. But our REWARDS are completely EARNED...

Paul himself says that some of us will get into heaven with NOTHING...nothing but the skin on our backs. No rewards. No manions. Nada.

And will we be happy to be there? You betcha...because maybe we will get a view of some fire and brimstone on our way there...and we will know exactly what it is we 've escaped.

But just as I believe there are levels of punishment in Hell. (many strokes for some, fewer for others) There will be levels of reward in heaven.

And I think...in fact I honestly believe that I'm not yet in the place where God wants me to be in order to receive that which he has been preparing for me. I've had a really strong sense of this. And I believe with all my heart, that it is supported by Scripture. And an equally strong sense that God has been conveying this to me...in all the ways in by which he communicates...

And I have to tell you that my "flesh " is so strong that in moments of extreme pain, I've even been willing to forgo that reward just to end the pain of the "now"

But God is not willing. And so I remain.

I am NOT saying or inferring that there is some huge "Ministry " that God wishes for me to begin. Or even some deed he wants me to accomplish. In fact I kinda know what it is that God wants for me to do....and it's not a "to do;" it's a "to BE." God wants me to BE something that I am not. Not yet. But it is something that he is working in me. working ON me Working with me to become.

And then....finally, He will wave that checkered flag....and I will tear, full speed ahead for that finish line.

Diagnose Me...

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:38:00 +0000

I've been quiet online lately. Have kept my mouth shut on FB...haven't posted a blog here or on my other blog site for a LONG time...and in general just haven't felt like talking to anyone and don't even feel like I have enough to say to even want to talk to myself.

Am I depressed? I know that I've been suffering from very bad symptoms of the SZ....but aside from periods of insane anxiety about completely irrational topics....the psychosis has lessened. But what is left? Are these negative symptoms? Or is it depression? I haven't wanted to talk to friends...and have been so blase when I have talked that I am sure they are grateful for my silence. Nothing piques my interest. Nothing attracts my attention. (and no, that isn't redundancy; it is Hebrew poetry )

My health (or lack of it) is a matter of complete disinterest to me. I've canceled Doctor appointments and brushed off their attempts to get me to come in and attend to "important" health issues and I've failed to reschedule appointments that THEY have had to cancel due to "emergencies that came up"...Why? Because i can just not be bothered to pursue health that is elusive and unlikely. I cannot be persuaded to chase after a life that I really don't want via tactics that seem to be altogether fruitless and pointlessly expensive.

So you tell me...Go on, diagnose me...(everyone else seems to love to do it): Am I depressed? Disgusted by my life circumstance (ie: situational depression,) Chemically depressed because of the newest PA meds I'm on? Taking a plummet down Bipolar Disorder's "Rabbit Hole"? Psychotic?

My psychiatrist has tried several times to call me...however she always leaves the following message on my home phone's answering machine "Cynthia, please call or text my cell phone...I'm available from such and such a time...."
Now, I have not done as she asked. Why?
It's not rocket science. And my doctor is probably smart enough to DO rocket science should it interest her...

....REASON???
I don't have her cell phone number!!!!

And her office is only open two days a week for a few hours. And they are exceptionally rude to me...So it's not like I can call them and harass them for a number they are not going to give me.

Now why my doc hasn't figured this out by now and just called my cell number (if she has it...which I'm sure she does, somewhere in that file..) or called my husband's cell...or just left her cell number on my answering machine... is beyond me.

So, other than one pharmaceutical change in my antipsychotic med...nothing has been done. And right now I really really need to go and reacquaint myself with the shower.

Insanity's Inanities

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:16:00 +0000

This will have to be a quick post as I'm supposed to be going out in an hour. I should be spending that hour in the shower...but....nah. I can't stand taking showers when it's way too cold to think about undressing. And it is.

I've been a mess. Still able to speak coherently (most of the time) but these ideas I have: like the computer virus is STILL HERE and it has infected me and everything that I touch....and that somewhere there is some evil being amassing information about me which will be used ruthlessly against me. And that APPLE (yes as in Apple computers) has overtaken my computer via iTunes (which it really has btw) and it is consuming every bit of music I might ever own again...And that it is dictating to me what i may and may not listen to on my computer and on my iPod (which BTW it IS.) And that soon in this world all Christian music will be obliterated and the only stuff available will be sanitized, media-tized, world-i-cized... CRAP...becuase really that is all that is left on my iPod and in my music collection since iTunes got their hands on it. And I'm sure I will go to jail for libel as soon as I press the "Publish" button on this blog...but you know what? Not guilty...by means of insanity. the good thing about being insane is that you can say what you want and get away with it ....The bad thing is that no one ever pays attention to ANYthing you say because, "what does she know? She's Crazy."

So those are two of the ideas which are driving me nuts. And there are two others, which involve persons in my life and which I will not publish because while it's okay to defame Apple, it is not cool to do that to someone in your life. Oh and there is one more idea: that someone is breaking into my house. Yep. They are trying night after night...keeping me awake and I HEAR AND SEE corroborating evidence...however ...the problem is that ONLY I can hear and see this stuff. And so far, after months of trying to get in...they never have...only have succeeded in keeping me awake and on vigil for long night after night. And really , what the heck could they find to take anyway?? I have nothing that anyone would want..(.unless it's an iPod full of Apple-bleached Christian music.)

Anyway you get the idea. I'm living in anxiety and terror...and I KNOW there is no need for it. I KNOW that my God is greater than any mental illness or delusions...JUST like a person with OCD KNOWS it is not truly necessary to wash their hands a million times a day....KNOWing something...does not always strip it of it's power or grant it sanity.

It just doesn't.

Crumbling--And Holding Fast

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 02:17:00 +0000

The following is a letter I wrote to my friend (and frequent commenter here on Treasures, Caryn.)

I don't feel that I can describe what is going on much more adequately than I did here...

and she gave her permission to use this letter here. So here goes Nothin' :

Hi Caryn,

I'm really really struggling. Have had periods of intense paranoia around three ideas or four wihch I guess could be called "delusional" although at the times of struggle, seem completely logical , powerful and distressing. These ideas are getting worse and worse, often taking away entire nights of sleep when I'm all alone and struggling immensely not to completely lose it to the fear that these ideas stir up in me.

I know that "Perfect love casts out all fear."
But these thoughts seem to be impervious to that verse. I finally called my pdoc (psychiatrist) last Friday and she just called me back today. After a night of complete hell. This computer virus situation has completely been my undoing. Even though the virus was solved. EVen though my computer was completely wiped clean and I lost every bit of data on it. The malevolent being who put it there in the first place is not done with me and is screwing with all of my internet accounts and I cant' make a move without them knowing about it. It's a horrible horrible feeling...even if I stay away from my computer , everything around me gets tied into these thoughts...

I'm even seeing things which are corroborating these ides. This is hell. It hasn't been this bad or this all encompassing for many many years. The only thing that helps a bit is to put headphones on to try to drown out the footsteps crunching around on the ground outside my bedroom window,.,or the voices saying my name over and over....

Please just pray for me...I don't know why Satan is trying so hard to get to me now...I'm not much of a threat to him.
I'd like to describe a little bit of this junk on my blog but am not sure I can. May I copy my portion of this letter onto the blog? Let me know ASAP. Thanks.
Cynthia

A Little Thanksgiving at Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 13:26:00 +0000

Today is Christmas morning. My daughter and her maybe soon to be husband are here, and I'm so grateful that she's found a man that all of us: her dad,myself and my parents, love as much as though he were a part of our family forever. Last night the above mentioned people were here (and once my brother in law arrives today from Florida, that will pretty much comprise our entire family unit for all practical purposes.) and we celebrated the coming of the King to this Earth as a babe. I'm so thankful to be able to be with them all this Christmas...and not in a hospital, rehab or nursing home. Next year is not guaranteed to me in any sense...but I'm so grateful for the wonderful time we are sharing together this year.

My husband is a self-proclaimed Scrooge. Hates Christmas and everything about it...but I think even he enjoyed himself last night. And for that I am grateful.
I am grateful for the unseasonably warm weather...which means less pain for me. And greater safety and accessibility in traveling.

I'm grateful that my "sister" in the Philippines is still alive following the horrific flooding and great loss of life in her village this past week. I pray for her in the coming sad days of hunger and continuing rain without a roof on their hut/home...Please add your prayers to mine and please, if you hear of any Red Cross or such efforts to send aid there, please contribute...So far, they have received nothing ...there are not even coffins to bury their dead.

I am grateful for my heated house and comfortable hospital bed and recliner....For the cat on my lap who is my constant companion and "heating pad" these days. I am grateful to have my laptop back in function following being with out it for a week due to a virus it had. I am grateful for all the rest of my "extended family" on the internet....Friends I love as much as my "real" life friends.

I'm also grateful that in the past week or so , I've actually been tired enough to sleep despite pain. In fact it seems like I'm sleeping more than I 'm awake these days. But after years of surviving on an hour or two a night, I'll take it. ...and with thanksgiving.

I'm grateful that in these days when nothing is a guarantee: Not health; freedom, either personal or political; not freedom from pain either; not even a job or having food on the table...and not even my life-- that it is guaranteed that when I draw my last breath here, the next thing I'll see is the face of that One who once laid in that manger and went to the cross to guarantee that I would be with HIm and be no longer in pain...and will enjoy once again all the freedoms I've "lost" in this life.

Yep...a little bit of thanksgiving for your Christmas...and for mine.

Bitten

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 10:13:00 +0000

Well, the past week has been both good and bad; largely miserable--as I've been in even more crippling pain than previously as my spine is now contorting itself permanently into some rather weird shapes (which are doing nothing to enhance my appearance!); and as I've been computerless following two nasty viruses--one striking my laptop and one striking the PC so I was quite effectively thrust back into the twentieth century in terms of my entertainment choices. No, that's not really true; I still had my Kindle and my iPod and iHome (which fortuitously was delivered on day two of laptop death -- just in time to charge my iPod, a very necessary piece of sanity-maintaining equipment)...But I found that my enforced off-line status led me to: do some thinking; some much MUCH needed time to spend in God's Word and in prayer; some time to spend just writhing and moaning (lol) as I had two record blowing days of pain that shall be forever cursed in history --as are the days of Job's conception and birth lol.

I also spent some time--quite fascinating time, I might add--spying on myself, on my own history of just a year back. I've been making books from this blog (from a company called Blog2Print - which is found I believe at ShareABook.com --but if that's wrong, don't be angry--just Google it instead) for the past two years at the year's end. Last year I published the year 2009 and this year, 2010. (This year opting for the Volkswagon paperback version rather than the full -color, hardcover Cadillac of the previous year, finances being what they are.)

And in so reading I was amazed by several things: 1- is how miserable I was in the beginning of 2010; physically, very sick. Weak. Fat. Asthmatic...why, HMMmmmm who does this remind me of?? ME. NOW. And 2- the difference in my status by year's end. Ecstatic with self pride and joy and the great improvement I'd been able to achieve with just a bit of dedication and self discipline---and with SparkPeople.com--I'd lost close to 70 pounds. Gained a lot of muscle...Gained in strength, in health, in happiness and contentment with myself. and 3--the depth of my thought and mental/spiritual powers of insight as I started the year, regardless of how miserable I was, I wrote what I think are very decent blog posts.

(You have to realize, I'm looking back at this time as a relative stranger visiting the blog of someone else, since, due to my memory problems I was able to read it all as a first time visitor without bias or any interference my memory may have made otherwise. Therefore I feel no shame at congratulating the author of this blog because I do not feel related to her--although we do bear remarkable resemblance! lol).

Now, reading this blog has created perhaps a bit of difficulty for me because my immediate response is not merely a renewed motivation to write insightful blogposts; but also the dangerous question keeps asking itself in my mind, "If I could do it then , why can I not do it again; NOW???"

The question is dangerous because it leads to a great deal of discontentment with my current state physically. Now of course, I think anyone in my body right now would be not only discontent, but completely miserable...but I think that this state in me is a dangerous one. And this is because my physical state has crossed the line between being able to change by commitment and zeal and perseverance into the land of permanent disability and serious illness which not only is unchangeable but to attempt such a change would be downright dangerous. My rheumy has repeatedly expressed her concern over the real and imminent danger of permanent and total paralysis I face at this point in my disease, as the arthritic changes in my spine are compressing the spinal cord itself and are cutting off nerve root functions. A fall or a wrong move,...or just another worsening of my condition and I won't be typing my own blogs anymore :( So it is quite obvious that the type of exercise I was doing previously is really not only not recommended but is downright dangerous and foolish.

So I think, rather, I need to focus more on the aspect of writing spiritually discerning blogs and into being a spiritually discerning person. And this can ONLY come by spending time with the Lord and in His Word. You cannot be filled with the Spirit if you only rarely talk to Him. Nor can I maintain the acuity of my Scriptural knowledge and knowledge of spiritual literature if I am not exposed to them frequently and in depth. And honestly, to me, the computer is a huge roadblock in this pursuit.

I believe that God has allowed this virus to teach me a needed lesson and to warn me--once again-- "My child, you are spending WAY too much time chatting online and not nearly enough time "chatting" with Me." And He reinforced the strength of this message by allowing me to become very very frightened and paranoid about the computer now in ways that I won't go into here...Just suffice it to say that to shut the thing off now, will actually bring some degree of relief to me.

So to my friends, If you do not see as much of me as before; be glad for it means that God is seeing more of me...
NO!
I am seeing more of God.

Toxic, Green Slime- my most important post ever

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:13:00 +0000

Something that has been really concerning me lately is how I come across to people. I seem to give the impression (at least in the 30 second encounters I have, which I think is the amount of time it takes for most people to form their opinions of you and probably the length of time in which most of our encounters transpire)...that I am a negative person and that all I talk about is my medical situation. While I don't believe that my close friends think only that about me...our conversations are varied and involve usually pretty large amounts of time spent laughing...those who have little contact with me or rather only sporadic contact, may very well be getting that impression.

This is something quite distressing to me to realize because it is NOT the way I want to come across nor how I want to be remembered, nor how I want to BE. I was trying to understand what I am doing and why I'm doing it in order to understand this better and to change it. The largest reason is: It is usually the first (and too often only) thing many people say to me: "how are you feeling?" or "how are you doing?" Now, the fault lies at my doorstep that I interpret this in a physical (and thus, medical,) sense. And I give them the lowdown (which is quite an appropriate name for it!!!) on my status in terms of pain index, the latest news on my medical front etc. Or the answer (and lame) answer I give is: "hanging in there" which gives (accurately??) the picture of someone in a noose or hanging onto a windowsill (from the outside) by their blue knuckles, etc. NONE of these are positive images which I've just created in the listenerarises to just spill somewhere--the sadness and pain that my life contains (as is true of every person)--and oddly, I seem to choose the wrong forums in which to do this. This junk, frankly, belongs in a journal and for the ears of God, and not in places where people come to form their opinions of me or to receive my encouragement. While they should know, if they are suffering, that they are not alone and will be understood here or in those other places where I have dealings with people...that really awful and private stuff should be saved for the ears of a notebook or for those of a close friend who knows me well already, and will not be thrown or misinformed by this ten minutes of time. Instead, I've had it backwards: I've saved the laughter for my close friends and spread the negativity all over the place in my dealings with others. ( Note to readers: please read on, and note the revelations about myself that take place as I continued to write)

However lately, I've noticed a growing tendency in myself to be negative...and to feel sorry for myself...and neither of these are things that I want to be known for or to allow to grow in my character. Now it is true: I do suffer from SZA and part of that diagnosis is that I have bipolar disorder/depressive type. And this is bound to affect my attitudes somewhat... at least, if I allow it to. There is still the ability in me, I'm sure, to change that...to choose to be otherwise and to work on developing a positive, grateful heart...After all, the God who dwells in my heart has more than sufficient ability to transform characters and overcome diagnoses. As Ann Voskamp discovered for herself , learning to be grateful for the numerous blessings surrounding us from the Father --and in fact, even noticing them at all--will transform our characters. (Read her book, 1000 Gifts: Learning to be Happy with your life Right Where you are. for her story)

My negativity has spread like a toxic green slime all over my reputation and into my dealings with people and here and into my being itself, and now I want to apologize and to tell you that here and, for the first time sincerely, I am going to "Choose Joy" as Sara Frankl was so famous for, and the reason why her recent death is mourned by people near and far (for more of Sara's story, please visit her blog at www.gitzengirl.com and you too will be blessed by a contagious joy that permeated her being.). I've said in the past, that this was the choice I wanted to make...but something in my being was resisting this change...(self-pity??)...but this needs to be ferreted out, brought before the Lord and confessed, and a decision made to reject this attitude from having and allowing this poison to be allowed into my character....And this needs to be done now, before I lose every single person I love and every friend I have.

I think that Joy and Gratitude and Faith, when forged in the fires of suffering and pain, are beautiful things to behold, in the eyes of God and in the eyes of other people (I find it harder to admire these in people who've never had a challenge or a hardship in their lives) and I want them to be the defining qualities of my life. (Hey, HERE maybe is the "Treasure from Darkness" I've been talking about so much!). I've asked God a million times, "Lord, why have I had so many close calls with death...and not yet been taken to your Kingdom?" I've suspected strongly that there was either some task he wanted me to complete, or that there was some character change that needed to be accomplished before I stood before his Throne to give account and something for which he wanted to reward me rather than to rebuke me (I've thought this over often) and in his love, he was keeping me here, in this place of suffering, rather than either permitting me to come to his side or to be healed entirely and that what needs to be done, must be done in this place of pain.

Jars of Clay- I'll Fly Away- with lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 07:56:00 +0000

Eventually, I'll Fly Away

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:14:00 +0000

Seems like all my life has been comprised of lately is medical junk...one thing right after another...Doctor visits, tests, doctors not liking the results and sending me to more doctors. Makes me wonder how they benefit from referrals. I guess they are their food and drink so they like to perpetuate the cycle. After all, isn't that how medicine really operates?--Finding one condition after another so they and other docs have a reason to see me every few weeks (not me personally - Me in a generic sense...I'm sure it is not my award winning smile they are looking to see :) )

My elbow surgery was supposed to be on Tuesday of this week...but my doctor cancelled it. Permanently. Said overall it was too risky for me to undergo general anesthesia right now unless it was a complete necessity. I don't know how he defines "complete necessity" but it evidently doesn't include "reducing screaming pain" lol.

Then he sent me to a nephrologist...not only recommended I go, but called the nephrologist's office and arranged it for a few days later. So, although I had previously determined "NO MORE DOCTORS" were to be added to my already impressive army of them, I agreed to go, since if I didn't, I'd probably end up hitting the phonebook to find a new PCP as well. My doctor (PCP) has been with me for about 20 years--so I'd hate to tick him off.

I was open with the nephrologist today when he told me I really need to see a cardiologist to monitor a heart (valve) problem I was born with which generally worsens with age. I told him, "I don't want to add another doctor, I have too many already." So at the conclusion of our appointment today, he said, "I really want you to come back in two weeks If You Don't Mind, and we'll see where we stand by then." Well, honestly, I kinda do mind and am wondering what the consequences would be of cancelling that appointment.

Please understand, I"m not trying to be difficult. It is merely that my medical treatment has gotten completely out of hand--as I can no longer afford to pay even the copays. And I'm beginning to feel that it is completely futile to try to chase it down and get my health under control again...so maybe I'd best just let it fly away, like it is apparent that my body wants to do. STOP trying to control the disintegration. STOP trying to control and monitor situation after situation which seem to be arising weekly, if not daily.

So much of what is wrong with me is the consequence of the medical treatments for other conditions. One treatment breeds another problem and when they treat that, they just spawn some more issues. So stop it already. Let God deal with this junk because it's apparent you guys are fighting a losing battle. If God wants me on this earth a while longer, He'll see to it that that happens...and if not, well, than that will happen regardless of how many doctors are trying to tie their strings around my ankles to keep me from flying away.

to the young woman I was....and to all those like me

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:10:00 +0000

The Decision no one would Want to Make

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 07:40:00 +0000

On Tuesday of this week (today is Friday), I went for an appointment in NYC to a new rheumatologist (arthritic disease doctor). Initially, I'd thought that the doctor would only be as a consult to give a second opinion about my recent tentative diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS). But the doctor was so wonderful that I'm sure I will be seeing and talking to him again. I got his name from NY Magazine's list of top doctors in New York. He headed the list for rheumatology...and I found out when I sat in his examining room and saw from the plaques awarded to him by that magazine, that he'd done the same for the past three consecutive years. When I was with him for a few moments, I immediately saw why he'd received this honor. He has to be one of the nicest individuals I've ever encountered. He was concerned, respectful and willing to bend over backward to meet my needs. He even assisted me in putting my socks back on following his exam of me (I am unable to do this without an assistive device.) This expression of humility and understanding made a huge impression on me.

He did not feel that I have AS as the pattern of my spinal fusions do not follow the typical pattern for that disease. Rather he said I have Psoriatic Spondylopathy, which is a sub-classification of a symptom of my main disease PA (Psoriatic Arthritis), in which the arthritis fuses the vertebrae together into one immovable unit. Already in my neck I have 3 levels of fusion and am unable to turn my head very far in any direction. There is a marked progression of damage to my spine in just the past year and this is visible on the MRI films. For this reason and because of the severity of the disease in the remainder of my joints, the doctor felt that I really must begin to take a biologic such as Enbrel--despite the very great risk it carries to me personally because of my extremely weak immune system and propensity to develop major infections which rapidly turn into life-threatening situations. Already I've had MRSA (2x), endocarditis (and infection of a valve in the heart), cerebral-spinal meningitis (infection of the spinal cord and brain), and multiple pneumonias.

He told me of the seriousness of the decision I have to make...and told me that if I do not decide to treat the PA with these drugs I will rather quickly have an extremely poor quality of life. I know from my reading that because of the spinal involvement this risk includes the risk of total paralysis and death. So ultimately, I must weigh the worst of the two outcomes with each other in order to make this decision: total paralysis and much pain or death. Which would you choose? Sounds like a lose/lose situation to me.

Because I love the Lord Jesus and claim him as my Lord and Savior....I know that when I die I will go to be with him in his kingdom....so the risk of death does not frighten me. Actually I look forward eagerly to that time with great anticipation...so initially my first reaction was to be willing to try the Biologic drugs...because that, and some very unpleasant side effects are "all" I am risking. AND (not least of my considerations) the possible wonderful benefit I could gain: an improvement in my symptoms and a slowing of the disease. However, when I prayed for guidance--because ultimately, my desire is to do whatever it is God deems to be according to his desires and plan for me; not my own--he led me to two verses (which I'd not particularly noted before): Hebrews 10:35-36...which say:

So don't throw away that courage of yours, which carries with it such a great reward. For you need to hold out; so that, by having done what God wills, you may receive what he has promised.

While these verses could be "stretched" to include either of the two options...the word-choice would really seem to indicate a continuation of the current condition in which I find myself: a maintaining and holding out, if you will. While I was not excited to see God evidently showing this angle of preference on his part....I must consider it to be something I must take into consideration. In fact, his will is not something I would merely "take into consideration." I want to flat out obey it...because I know that his way is the right way and ultimately the best, most beneficial path for me as well. How can this be? Here are a few options: God may decide to glorify himself by healing me in a miraculous way. Or God may use me in a nursing home as a light bringing honor to him--And I know that in either way, God will receive honor...and I will be rewarded far above and beyond the extent of my suffering once I am at home in Heaven, and God will be present with me and strengthen me to endure--as he has been thus far.

And then my daughter, when I told her of my inclination initially to choose to take the Enbrel, expressed a very obvious hesitation and dismay at that possibility. I then read to her the verses I just mentioned here and asked her what she thought of them...and her response was also to say that it sounds like God wants me to stay as I am: unmedicated by a biologic. She said at the conclusion of our conversation, despite the fact that she has not considered herself to be a Christ-follower to this point: that this expression by God was something that must be taken into consideration.

And then tonight, as I was reading my Bible, a verse jumped out at me:

2 Timothy 4:5 NLT

But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at bringing others to Christ. Complete the ministry God has given you.

As I read them, the decision I have to make was not even in my mind. I wondered at why the verses seemed to have been highlighted in bright colors to me, even though they were not even underlined in my Bible...Then, after considering them for a while, I put them aside...But as my mind later turned to my decision, suddenly I thought of them again...And whoala! There you have the application and the purpose for which God had made these words leap out at me from the page.

Am I convinced yet?
Wellllll.....honestly, it goes against every single one of my desires. And all of my common sense. And every bit of "advice" I've been given....but then the words of Oswald Chambers come immediately to mind:

Always measure your life solely by the standards of Jesus. Submit yourself to His yoke, and His alone; ....

and

God allows the opinion of other saints to matter to you , and yet you become less and less certain that others really understand the step you are taking. You have no business trying to find out where God is leading--the only thing God will explain to you is Himself.

Also my words here are NOT meant to indicate that you should do something foolish or risky...but that you must clearly understand the path that God is showing you and have confirmation through his Word and from much prayer. And you must never confuse your desires with the "will of God." For example, I personally hate taking medication--of any kind. And were it up to me; I would never swallow another pill again. However this choice is NOT up to me. It is a result of a number of illnesses I have which mandate that I take certain meds. Illnesses such as hypothyroidism and Schizophrenia and hypertension. Not taking these medicines would result in illness, risk, and discomfort...even worse than the discomfort of swallowing some pills every day. For example, do you think that God would ever lead an insulin-dependent diabetic to not take his insulin?? NO, Never.The same is true for the illnesses I have ... However, in the case of my PA and the biologics: This was a choice given to me by my doctor because it bears equal risk for either option. And this is altogether a different topic than a person with serious mental illness deciding on their own, to cease to take their medicine. Just as God would never lead a person to leap from a building; he would not lead you to cease to take medicines you need.

I think this post has quite been long enough; don't you?? Please pray for me as I make my final decision known to the doctor and explain to them the reasons. Pray that I can use these explanations as a way to give God glory...and that they will be understood. Be blessed today.

When you Least Expect it; EXPECT it

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 18:29:00 +0000

Yesterday evening a friend of mine surprised me by sending me a FB message asking me if I wanted to go out then for coffee. Why was that a surprise? Well, for me, it just doesn't happen that I go out in the evening...except maybe in a "month of Sundays."lol. I was upset at the time just prior to her call....home issues etc. had gotten to me so it was with great relief that I read her message. To get out of this house that I almost never leave was just what I needed.

Fifteen minutes later I was in her van and we were heading ...where? We decided to go to a favorite place amongst my friends "nearby" (relatively speaking...in a place where nothing is nearby) and on the way there decided to pull out all the stops and actually eat dinner there. So we did. The restaurant was small, intimate and FULL of people. Every table was occupied by midway through our meal...And shortly after we'd arrived, I began to be uncomfortable. A table next to ours was occupied by three individuals, two of them young. And I definitely felt their eyes on us; on me. I wondered "What??? What am I doing wrongly?" I rearranged my sweater which had pulled up a bit in the back...and did my best to eat neatly and to keep my elbows off of the table. But their eyes were not shifting from me...except when once in a while they would exchange comments with each other which I couldn't quite hear except for an occasional word...And I knew their discussion was about me.

Image: dancingwithfools.wordpress.com

On the other side of our table, seated behind my friend and directly in my line of sight was a late middle-aged couple who was engrossed in conversation for most of the time they were there. At first I was not worried that they were discussing me; I could hear enough of what they said to know that they weren't. But during my conversation with my friend (K), I made mention of an area where I'd grown up and described it a bit. I saw the man's ears visibly perk up as I made mention that it was in a wealthy Jewish neighborhood....He turned and looked at me. I was talking, by then, about how I'd adapted to that culture and that now it was familiar and comfortable to me, so I knew he couldn't mistake my comment for discriminatory. NO. It had to be something else.... By now he was leaning toward his wife and talking in a lowered tone and both of them made surreptitious glances in my direction. Could they be people I'd known back then, possibly one of the couples I'd baby sat for? Their looks toward me were not friendly. WHAT could they be discussing about me??

As I worried intensely about this, I simultaneously felt the eyes of the threesome at the other table unswervingly studying me and my level of discomfort rose...as did my panic...to a point that became downright miserable. I wondered, "Could this be paranoia?" But I was sure of what I'd seen and heard ...and there was no escape. My friend chatted on about her life and I tried to focus on her and on what she was saying and on the food...but suddenly I was not hungry anymore--and the plate was still more than half full. And try as I might, my attention was fixed on the couple behind her; not on her or her words. (Sorry K.)

Abruptly the strangely silent group of three got up and left the restaurant. My wonderings about them continued fora few minutes- by now my suppositions were bordering on the (ok--they were already) absurd. But then my attention was diverted about ten minutes later as the couple in back of K also got up and exited. My relief was palpable. And I thought to myself..."See? Those were the only two tables in the restaurant I was worried about...Now I can enjoy myself...If it had been paranoia, I'd be worried about the others here."

I enjoyed myself for maybe 3 minutes when a word from the table to my right caught my ear. It was out of context from the rest of the sentence due to my poor hearing...but it was not a flattering word...and I'm sure there was a "she" preceding it. I raised my eyes and looked at the woman who'd spoken it. Her eyes were also on me. We both averted our gazes and once more, the panic rose in me. Fortunately our meal was about done and we were preparing to leave...I couldn't get out fast enough. I confessed my attack of paranoia to my friend who understood such things; and told her how miserable I'd been. She said, "Oh no! I thought you were in pain because you were quiet."

And in fact; I had been.
Paranoia is a real pain.

I went home, for once glad to be going there and prepared for bed....but I woke an hour after I'd slept...coughing and feeling a familiar burning in my sinuses. For the rest of the night I struggled to breathe, asthma acting up as it has been lately, and irritated by a horrible steady post nasal flow from my sinuses. By morning there was no doubt. I'm sick again. Evidently my recent sinus infection was not cured but merely temporarily alleviated by the antibiotics. It has returned with a vengeance...I should have also heeded a bad rattle and ragged cough I'd had lately...because my chest is involved in it this time.

Paranoia. Illness.
You'd think I'd learn to recognize them sooner.
You'd think I'd prepare myself against them and take immediate action when they begin to reveal themselves.

But I'd been feeling better lately. So they blindsided me.
AGAIN.

The Cycle of Humility and Ministry

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:21:00 +0000

I know I just already tired your eyes, by my previous post (and maybe tired your patience too)...but I promise this post has a different attitude. With one small Facebook message: God spoke oceans to me, showed me the selfishness and error of my thinking.

For some time I've been whining to God about my "uselessness" and inability to serve him or serve others...as my friends serve me--by driving people to appointments; cooking for them when they are sick...cleaning their homes when they can't. I have bucked against the humiliation of having to accept oceans of good from them....and to be able to give nothing back....not even a Christmas gift.

But I just got a FB message from a friend; a family of four who depends on me, on the other side of the world. She was thanking me and mourning her inability to pay me back in any way. And God nudged me and said to me, "Sound familiar??" She sounds just like me...to my friends here. And she feels useless and helpless in her surroundings too...poverty trapping them like a noose; having been abandoned by a husband, leaving her to care for three children...which in that country is not only social stigma; but really a death sentence.

Four years ago...when she still had a computer...we met on a social website...and quickly became friends. Her faith in and love for the Lord has spoken to me many times. Things have continued to spiral down for her: sickness plagues her and her children; her computer is long gone--and thus contact with me has been severely limited....her work has been interrupted often by her illnesses--which means even less for them to eat.

I have been honored and blessed to be able to help them...just a little. (And I would never ever have told any of you this because I am NOT in anyway trying to toot my own horn....It is essential that I tell you this in order to describe to you the message God just gave me...which I feel may really help some of you) They have depended on me...JUST AS I HAVE DEPENDED ON MY FRIENDS HERE. And she feels helpless and useless because she cannot pay me back in any way. JUST AS I HAVE FELT HERE WITH MY FRIENDS.

Do you maybe see where I am going with this?

God develops humility in us...by giving us situations of dependence on others (His hands of help and healing --as my church calls it)...and often we cannot do a single thing in return to show our gratitude or thanks other than to simply speak our thanks.

BUT

in other situations God uses US to help someone who also may be unable to pay us back. And He does the same with them....and so on and so on...goes the chain of humility and help.

Are you feeling useless because of your illness or disability? Think carefully: is there someone who needs you or depends on you? maybe your children...or an elderly parent?? IF not...if you find that really and truly God is not using you anywhere then please consider opening your eyes to what HE is trying to show you here...and look for opportunities to serve where the other person can do nothing to pay you back. Maybe that means adopting a child through COMPASSION or through another similar ministry for a small amount each month. Or if you truly can't do that...then if you have physical health: maybe you can clear snow from an elderly person's sidewalk and car...without asking for any payment...or picking up groceries from the store for a shut in....or cooking a meal for someone who cannot do it for themselves or donate to a food pantry.

There is ALWAYS a way that God will allow you to be used. For my friend right now; her ministry is to her three little children who desperately need her. Keep your eyes open and look for ways to be a ministry to someone.

I was not thinking of my friends across the world who need me when I was feeling like going belly up and cashing it in...in my prior post. They DEPEND on me....and for me to hasten my departure from earth before God is done using me would be wrong. The sense of being USEFUL to God is strong medicine...and I thank my friend for the dose of it that she gave me this morning.

A Disenchantment with all Things Medical

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:05:00 +0000

I've been having a great quandary lately...My health is deteriorating at an alarming rate...It seems like daily there is a new problem . And they do not on the surface, appear to be related. I know that this is a source of great bewilderment to my friends at church. They wonder, "How can so many things be wrong with her?" I've even stopped updating the prayer chain on the "latest"...It's just too embarrassing. And I know that they do not understand the medical explanation of it; which is simply: It's all ONE thing ! Every single problem that I have is due to one root cause: I have a severely messed up immune system.

My body is its own worst enemy: or it thinks it is anyway! My immune system is confused...and thinks that my own cells are invading bacteria and so my immune system is attacking my own cells rather than those bacteria it should be attacking. My cells are destroying each of my systems one by one. They have attacked the ones in the lungs (thus; the asthma)...they are attacking the ones in my cartilege and synovial linings (thus the arthritis)...they are attacking my spine (the A.S)...They do NOT do the job they are supposed to be doing against infection and bactieria (thus my many illnesses such as pneumonia, endocarditis and cerebral/spinal meningitis etc).

And many of my "smaller" issues-such as anemia- even my hearing loss, are very common to RA and PA. And every other "little" thing is either due to nerve damage from the meningitis or is the result of the TREATMENTs given to me to treat the other illnesses (the memory loss, the muscle weakness....). So it all makes complete sense...and at the same time is a medical trainwreck....

All that was the background you need to know for the real point of this post which is coming...now.

As I said, my body is quickly self-destructing. No doctor has sat me down and said, "Look, you are not going to have a normal life span." But it is pretty much quietly understood that all it would take is one good infection. (or bad infection, depending on how you look at it :) ), or one bad fall to fracture my perilous cervical spine... or one big asthma attack...or one strained blood vessel to burst from my massively out-of-control hypertension...and that would be all she wrote. I've been walking a tight rope for a while now...and the rope is getting thinner and thinner and I would say now: I'm walking a spider web. I've dared Death and stared it in the face numerous times already in the past ten years...And thus far God has yanked me back from the edge and saved my butt...JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

I've often wondered what it is that keeps Him from letting me come to His Kingdom...Am I not ready? Is there something still for me to accomplish or experience here on earth?? (But that is a whole other blog post....)

My question really is: at what point do I say, "Enough is enough." I'm really ready and willing to go. I'm in so much pain that I think of Heaven almost constantly. So Enough doctor appointments. Enough tests. Enough procedures. Just. Enough. Let the outcome rest in God's hands.

This week I had a lot of dizziness and double vision. Which I really think is the result of my newest blood pressure medicine. And my doctor's office insisted I come in for a visit. And also go and visit the neurologist. And the nurse from the insurance company is insisting I go to the ER every time I turn around. So I let the nurse make the appointment with the covering doc (mine was on vacation)...and then I called up several hours later and canceled the appointment. I also told her I'm NOT going to see a neuro. I just had a brain-MRI and it was normal...so there is no tumor...nothing there. (well , there WAS something there...but you know what I mean :) ) I told her, it's the BP meds. And then I took myself off of the the offending one...and my symptoms have improved. (of course my BP is probably back up to 220/110) (and yes, it really was that high)...But do you know that the nurse took it upon herself to make an appointment for me this Monday afternoon without consulting me or telling me about it?? Suddenly I'm getting an automated phone call on Friday reminding me of my appointment on Monday--which I never even knew I had! Since when is the decision to see a doctor up to the doctor???? Honestly. This doctor and I need to have a little talk.

And I intend to do that. I intend to tell him of my increasing disenchantment with all things medical. I intend to tell him of the misery that is my life and that he can stop trying so hard to save it. And I intend to tell him (gulp) that from now on, I will make my own appointments, thank you.