Treasures from Darkness

Shuddering Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 01:41:00 +0000

Last night I saw a truck back out of our driveway with lightning speed and disappear down the road....soundlessly. The lack of sound did not come to me until later upon recall. At the time I did not question that what I saw was real.

However, I then heard car doors slamming in my driveway. Steps on my deck, voices outside my window. When, heart pounding, I looked out the window into the darkness, my driveway lie silent and deserted in the moonlight. Terror beset me. My thoughts exploded with fearful surmises. I tried to calm myself. I said, "Cynthia, this is exactly the same kind of thing that was happening prior to your hospitalization last July." But it did no good. Fear was resident on the throne in my heart.

So I called Crisis. Who else to call at 11:30pm? The lady talked to me. She made sense. And she took the threats seriously....enough to suggest I call the police just to tell them my concerns. In the end, I felt better enough to go to sleep.

Today, visuals disturbed my knitting efforts. I kept pulling myself away from the engineless cabooses of thought and tried to focus on the knitting and purling but it was a lost cause. Movies paraded before my eyes....silver herrings of thoughts flashed through my mind's corridors tripping me like strung wires at shoe level.

So what is going on? Are my mental screws loosening? Am I about to burst forth into alliteration and allegory? I feel like I'm being stalked. And that my capture is inevitable...just a matter of time and I'll be hoisted into foreign quarters where the walls are comprised of impermeable shadows.And escape is not guaranteed....because you see it seems that my "go to" medication is becoming ineffective and that is very bad news because none of the others did anything aside from making me fat. What can that mean? I shudder to think.

Ups and Downs.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 17:41:00 +0000

First of all, I just want to report that with a few more visitors, we will hit the 50,000 visitor mark and that is just astounding to me. Thank you to all of you who have faithfully stood by and read of my ups and downs. I'm humbled that anyone would have any interest at all in what I write.

I also want to apologize. My last couple of posts have been real downers. Honestly I haven't been doing really well. I've been suffering some visual hallucinations, thought disorder, and just general depression. My case worker, after she spoke to me on Friday, called the Crisis center and had them call me for four days in a row just to check up on me. I was a little embarrassed because I was not having real severe struggles and there was really nothing they could do or suggest to help me....but still it was nice that someone cared enough to call and check on me. Even if that is just their job.

I've still been KIND OF losing weight but really it's more just like losing and regaining the same four pounds several times over. Never really making any losses. But I do think that once my system gets moving again, I will find that I really have been losing weight, it's just been masked by digestive backlog. I have to be losing weight because I've been eating nothing bad, all on the Fuhrman diet and exercising to boot. So I'm sure I really am making some kind of head way. One of these days, it will all show up suddenly, I'm sure.

I had been good about my Bible reading and daily devotions for quite a while....and then in the past week it's all gone by the way side. I still pray, sentence prayers usually lifitng someone else up....but haven't really had any heart to heart discussions with God lately. And I'm feeling the lack. I'm feeling like a real heathen....and it's not a good feeling. I know God is not crossing his arms tapping his foot, but rather is just saying, "If you would just come to me I would help you!!"

I promise, to God and to you, that beginning today, I will take care of this lack of abiding on my part....and I know God will be very glad to see me once again. I will honestly, be glad to see him too. It's like holding your breath for no good reason....and getting all dizzy and sick feeling just because you've been too stubborn to breath. Well no more. BREATHE.....BREATHE.....BREATHE.

I hope that things will begin to be more positive around here. What do you think of the new look? That purple just hurt my eyes everytime I came on to this site.

Have yourselves a blessed day. And remember to talk to the Lover of your soul. He is waiting.

What of Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 17:40:00 +0000

There is a blog author, whose blogs I have sometimes reposted here on my blog, who wrote a blog that I read today and it got me thinking. I've been thinking about recovery. I mean, what is it exactly? The publisher of SZ Magazine, Bill MacPhee, says that to be in recovery means you would not change who you are now for anyone else. You are, in other words, happy with who you are and the lot you've been given in life.

I know that compared to many people with this disease, I am blessed and have good things to be thankful for. I am married. I have a daughter. I am not living on the street or in poverty. And if you have schizophrenia, those things are HUGE and can never ever be taken for granted. Because many many others with the disease cannot say that they have those things.

I know I have to be thankful.

But sometimes. Sometimes I'm not.

I graduated fourth in a class of over 900 kids....and that was just because a teacher made an error in my grades....I really should have been first or second. By all rights, I should have had a spectacular career and made a mark on the world....just like all my classmates, those of us in the top five in that school did. The only credential I have to my name is that I've been in over 40 psychiatric hospitals.

Day by day....I get up. check my email. chat online. do the dishes. cook dinner..and go to bed. That is my day. Significant? Not hardly.

I try to be content. I really do. But when the most I can say I've accomplished in a week is taking two showers. Well. Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.

Here is a quote from my friend, Larry Drain's blog today, "If recovery seems far away know that it is not something to be found and added to life. It is simply life lived as well as you can. And sometimes in the worst of times we find the best of what we can be."

To me that is incredibly wise. And incredibly hopeful. Larry is going through some tough times right now. And I somehow suspect that it is in these tough times that he is finding out what he is truly made of and finding that it is of high quality....He is being tried by fire and I can only pray that he is coming out like purified gold.

To me, in the mundanity of my days; in the bland everydayness of life; here in the place I call home....I see myself. And I wonder if anyone would miss me if I wasn't here. I wonder if my place here has any meaning to anyone but me. I wonder if I am failing God by not being more; by not doing more. I wonder if my life will produce anything that will endure time's tests.

I am not completely isolated. For that I am grateful.
I have been able in tiny ways to contribute to God's world. For that I am also grateful.
My thoughts are few.
My creativity even sparser.
My productivity less yet.
But I am known by God.
That must count for something, no?

Ripples in a Pond

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 13:27:00 +0000

I've just been thinking of some friends....friends who are gone. Sara (Gitzengirl), Vicki (my sweet sweet chat friend) David, (my first all-the- time chat friend). They are gone. The loss of them rocked me. I was intimately involved with David and Vicki as they prepared for their journey into eternity. These people were critical to me in the past years....and now they are gone. Gone. Their lives are like a stone dropped into still water. There is a ripple of concentric circles....and eventually those ripples fade and there is nothing but the memory of the stone, now resting on the bottom. The internet, once so alive with Sara....with her thoughts, her suffering and then with People celebrating her life and mourning her loss. Now there is silence. Her blog is still there, I checked. Last I knew her Facebook page was still intact also.

When I go, it will be the same. There will be a ripple of grief. A ripple of reminiscing. And then time will pass....and I will be simply, GONE.

But in the cases of those who knew the Lord, their lives go on, just in a place where we cannot see them. Sara is right now in Heaven with her Lord. She is NOT gone....even though people here gradually will stop talking about and thinking of her. For loss like that there is a bittersweet comfort. There is the certainty that those people are not lost from the universe....simply are tucked away in another part of it.

How important it is to have a spiritual life begun while we are on this earth....so that we will have something that will continue to contain our spirits after we leave our bodies. If we do not do that, then at our death, there will be grief, sadness,loss and that person is GONE. Really gone. They may go on living in some unfriendly environment such as hell but as far as having contact with others...they will no more. They are on their own in a lonely place of suffering never to be seen again.

When I just visited Sara's blog, it was quiet. Her personality and the specialness of her being is no longer there . It is a vacant house,filled with words and thoughts like old belongings left behind. But as I thought about her, I realized she still IS. Her spirit is in heaven. And it is filling the skies with her sweetness. I want to be like that. I know that I will not be mourned like Sara was when I go...but there are those who will grieve.I want them to know that I am not GONE. I'm merely elsewhere.

I don't know why I'm thinking of death today. Maybe because of the decision I have to make today about the medicines. Or maybe just because I got to looking for some people who are gone. I'm missing my old friends. I pray we will one day meet again. My friends. Your concentric ripples are fading. Becoming more faint. Soon they will cease altogether. But I pray your spirits are kept safe in the hands of Jesus. I pray I will meet you again and we will hug and laugh and reminisce.

Die Trying

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 12:34:00 +0000

Today I have to make a decision. It can lead me to greater health and mobility....or it may well kill me. I'm going to see a new rheumatologist. He may want to put me on a medicine whose family is called "biologics"....I desperately need this medicine. At first I was a bit ambivalent....but yesterday had a horrific day with pain....just sitting down and standing up was all I could do and it was accomplished with great caution and jerkiness and lots of pain. My neck is progressively deteriorating. My shoulders are increasingly useless. My feet feel like they are filled with shards of glass. I cannot go on this way.

I'd had hopes that my diet would help my pain levels but thus far it has not. Even Dr Fuhrman who claims to cure everything inluding the common cold, said that if you've had an RAD (Rheumatoid arthritic disease) for some time and you already have lots of damage, his diet is limited in what it can do for you. I think I fall squarely into that category.

How can the biologic kill me? I know I've covered this in past blogs but maybe you are new here. I will explain for you. Because my disease is an autoimmune disease, my immune system is confused and thinks my own joints and organs are the enemy and it sends out killer cells to destroy my own body. Biologics work by destroying the immune system so it cannot damage me. But you say, "Don't you kinda NEED your immune system?" Yes. You do And this is where the danger comes in. When I was on Enbrel, first I had pneumonia and then I had endocarditis (and infected heart valve)...Either infection can be lethal.

My infectious disease doctor told me that he expects me to come in with sepsis one day and to not survive it. (Sepsis is a bodywide infection) ...But then he told me that if he were me, and suffering the way I am, he would opt to take the medicine too.

So today I must decide....before I see the doctor, what treatment I'm going to pursue. And I honestly think I'm gonna go for broke and take the biologic. That is if he will give it to me.

My daughter does not want me to take this medicine. But she will also not want to have to care for me once I become completely disabled. If these drugs can give me come quality of life...then why not? My options are narrowing. My mobility is diminishing. My pain is increasing. Time to do something proactive. Now it might be that this rheumy will refuse to give me the medicine just like the last one did. If so, I'm up the creek without a paddle. There are no more rheumatologists for me to see in this area. So I'm praying. Putting it in God's hands. And leaving the outcome to him.

You'd Think I'd Learn

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 20:42:00 +0000

On Friday I went to the pain doctor via a county run bus for elderly and disabled people. My appointment was for 10:30....but there were three people on the bus (aside from the driver) so he picked me up first at 7:30. We got to NY --where the doctor is--at 9:00. I lucked out and they took me in almost immediately. However that just meant that I had to wait for the other two ladies....and it turned out the second lady had an epidural on her spine so was under anesthesia and it took FOREVER....We didn't get home until 2:20 PM.....Well, on the way to the doctor, it had struck me: "I forgot to take my medicine" --and that included my pain medicine. Well, I was seriously hurting ....Fortunately I had my cane but could barely walk from the bus to my house when I got home (and he was parked in my driveway!!) I thought to myself, :Well here's a good lesson. You got to see how much your pain pills really are helping and you will NEVER be so stupid as to forget them again.....

.....Until this morning that is. Yep. I went to church without them. Some folks just never learn. And I'm one of them!

Today's sermon was on sanctification. On Jehovah M'Kaddesh - the Lord who Sanctifies....Sanctify is an interesting word. It has its roots in the Hebrew word for Holy: Qadosh. It means set apart for the purpose of worship. It's like making a vase to hold flowers....that vase is sanctified to hold flowers. It's doing what we were made to do. We were made to worship....and God has set us apart for that purpose. It also means "set apart" as in wholly different than anyone or anything else. Now in that sense only God is holy. Only God is wholly "other." However, we are called to be other than the people surrounding us. The Bible says we are to be as stars shining in the darkness. Brilliant points of light in a dark canopy of human failings.

We are both sanctified by God...set apart for worshiping him and called apart to be holy--unlike the rest of the world. We participate with God in the process of our sanctification..and that is what it is: a process....by agreeing with God in his purposes for us. We agree that we want to be "holy as God is holy" and so we strive to make choices that are pleasing to God. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes....No matter how much it hurts us, we still will sometimes choose the wrong thing ...or forget to do the right thing (like taking our medicine!) But all in all, our heart is in tune with God's purpose for us. We want to worship him by doing what is right and by the growth of character gems...the fruits of the Spirit in our hearts and lives. And we stumble along in our baby steps, striving to follow in the Father's footprints ,...which are hopelessly too big for our stride with our baby legs....but once in a while we can catch up and plant our foot in the spot where the FAther has walked...or where Jesus has walked....and that fills us --and the Father--with joy too.

Room for Sorry

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 30 May 2013 23:04:00 +0000

Today I felt .....blah. I slept til 9:00 (which only sounds really late when you consider that I go to bed at 7:30 or 8:00) and then I didn't feel like showering. I really had to shower because tomorrow is an early start due to a doctor appointment and I don't feel like getting up at 6:00 to get in the shower. Finally I showered but I put on a pink short-sleeved zippering bathrobe or house dress and that has been my uniform for the day.

My father suggested that I am depressed. I don't think I am....I'm not having any of the awful thoughts that go along with depression. I don't feel suicidal. I just feel......blah. Now I know that chronic blahness can be classified as depression. I'm trying to avoid the rabbit hole with all of my power. The Pit is ominous and I'd rather be plucked bald than go there again.

Speaking of bald. My cat is losing her coat. Not a little shedding. MASSIVE handfuls of hair are coming off of her. As well as big chunks of dried skin. She's not scratching. And other than not liking the mouth full of hair she gets when she grooms, she seems comfortable. My cat has a beautiful grey/blue coat and it is heart breaking to see her lose it. Anyway. That has nothing to do with depression or the pit....just with me being plucked bald.

And now that I've lost my train of thought I'm a homeless hobo on the empty tracks watching it crawl into the distance.

Homeless.
No. don't go there. Don't follow that train. It goes right off a cliff.
So where to then?
My mind is blank. Dead stare. Dead silence. Dead deadness.
I don't know what to say. If you are looking for scintillating conversation, you've come to the wrong place. I don't know whether or not to click the "Publish" button. I'm so very sorry to have wasted your time. Maybe I'll just click "save" and leave it at that. No, maybe you deserve to know the truth: my brain has vacated the premises. So "Publish"it is. There's lots of room for sorry later.

Optionless

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 28 May 2013 15:15:00 +0000

I haven't been feeling up to par. The "movie" type of hallucinations had returned....and really, I don't mind those...They make it a little hard to concentrate on other things but they are not so distressful. However the night before last I had been sleeping and I woke up. I was definitely awake and I saw on the ceiling a leering evil face..and I moved my eyes from spot of spot on the ceiling and there were faces everywhere I looked. I was quite disturbed by this and went out to the living room where my husband and daughter were watching a movie. I pretended that I got up just to get a bite from the kitchen as I often do and not that I was out there just to have the comfort of their company, which was closer to the truth.

The next day my husband sequestered me in the kitchen and said, "Cynthia, you are quite disheveled and 'flat' ---it is obvious you are not feeling too well. Will you let me raise your dose of medicine until you feel better because this way we may avoid a hospital stay." So I agreed to it.

However now...a day later....I'm feeling anxious. And I'm having hot /cold flashes. I'd had those prior to the lowering of my medication dose and it was told to me that having the dose of medicine too high can cause hot/cold flashes as indeed it did ...and is again.

Today I am really not feeling well. I'm feeling horribly anxious. But that could be because yesterday I had two pieces of ice cream cake and ziti for my daughter's 21st birthday. Both foods are horrible in light of my new way of eating. I had been struggling with terrible anxiety prior to adopting this diet...and since I've been eating "clean"--my anxiety has vanished. This leads me to believe that it is of physical and not mental origin. It comes from poor diet. When I eat well it is gone. When I eat badly; it is back.

The sweating and freezing is miserable and for this reason I'm going to ask my husband to lower the dose of Loxapine back to where it was. I would rather watch some movies than be soaked in sweat and then shivering. I know my husband won't agree with this and will give me a hard time about it.
This disease just sucks. The medicines to treat it just suck. All my alternatives just suck.

Joni Earickson Tada Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Mon, 27 May 2013 16:16:00 +0000

"I cannot do another day of quadriplegia....but I can do all things

through Him who strengthens me in Christ Jesus."

"My wheelchair is not my wheelchair,

it's my attitude toward my wheelchair that I must kill daily."

My friend, Kimberly Rae: author, blogger and person with chronic illness has a video on her blog of Joni Eareckson Tada. Joni is a quadriplegic artist, speaker, author, and ministry leader. She has been an example to me since my teenage years when her book, "Joni" first came out. Please stop by Kimberly's blog and invest an hour in listening to this interview with Joni. Even if you can only watch a few minutes you will be glad you did.

http://kimberlyraeauthor.blogspot.com/2013/05/joni-earekson-tada-video-visit-dont.html

Police Tape and Holes to Hell

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 24 May 2013 17:40:00 +0000

I was chatting with a friend today and I said that God had "healed" me from depression by showing me how to keep myself out of it. The friend asked how I did that and I told him I do it by cordoning off segments of my thought life and put up "NO TRESPASSING" signs. There are lines of thought I simply cannot pursue. Areas I durst not tread. He asked me how I visualized this (for him, he puts things into mental boxes)...for me I told him it was Police Tape. Setting up lines that I cannot cross. He asked me what percentage of my thought life this involved. I said "85%" Thinking on that now, that may be too high. 65% might be more accurate.

He asked me if there were certain people in those barricades. I said "no" but thinking again, that is not true. There are at least three people whom I cannot even think of briefly without some darkness descending. I know you are all wanting to know who so I will tell you: 1) My brother 2) my best friend in college who committed suicide and 3) my dog when I was back in my early 20s. Mandy
There may be even more people in that list but those are the three who came to me readily.

There are topics like the huge "what if" piles of thought. Those lists predicate anxiety. And there is the pile of questions that despite all of my theological thinking and studying on the topic of suffering...there are unanswered questions with which I might accuse God of injustice. And then there are the recollections. Memories of past madness. Restraints. self injury. Nights of total desperation and angst. I cannot go back there.

So you ask, "how did you write a book?"
It was hard. partly I did it in the way that I typically handle conversation. I keep it light and shallow. The depths are dark and I am not a good swimmer.
I also at times looked on it more as art. I explored my skill as a writer and in that sense it distanced me and shielded me from the raw emotive recollection.
But there were times while writing.....that I cried. The pit yawned and I teetered............

I don't know about my book. I don't know if it is sufficiently honest. I don't know if it will induce emotion in the reader. In that sense I may have failed. But I am really not sure. Maybe my truth is so very far "OUT THERE" that even to travel along the outskirts of it seems like a great leap into dark space. One tiny step for man. One GIANT step for mankind. That kind of thing.

Is this a cure for depression?
Or is it repression?
Will all the demons burst out of the box (to borrow my friend's metaphor)like a mad jack-in-the-box ready to scare the bejeebers out of the baby who was just busy cranking out a happy tune? I don't know. I seriously hope not. When can you say you've "dealt with it"? When you can casually talk about it without wanting to slice your wrists afterwards? I don't know. Even when I DO talk about it I am mentally and emotionally detached and shallow. I have never ever sat down with anyone anyone and recalled things with my feelings connected. I've never described the nightmare I've lived to a living soul so that they would really have any kind of idea of what it was like. My book is the closest I've come to that....but because I would not want my readers to fall too deeply into MY pit....I backed off, I rounded the edges. I tempered the heat.

Anyway. This is how I get through a day. By avoiding the police tape around that gaping hole that drops to hell. And for this amount of distance, I am grateful.

Our Place in the Heavens

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 22 May 2013 15:43:00 +0000

My days slip by like drips of water on a clothesline after a rain. One by one they fall, faster and faster.....leaving nothing but a puddle in their wake. I strive for health and arm wrestle with pain. I search for meaning and crash against the breast of God....his chest muffles my screams and absorbs my tears. Strong arms for leaning. For carrying. My weight does not bow his shoulders....I'm an easy burden for him.


http://jeffcable.blogspot.com/2010/07/shooting-images-of-water-drops-fun.html

Today many people awake to a jobless future. Layoffs at my husband's place of employment leave many in fear and dread of the future. Single moms. Dads whose whole family depends on their salary. It didn't happen to us. But what if it did? Would I still trust? Would I still be bold in proclaiming his provision?

Days pass by. They are eked out of God's calendar, falling like splashing droplets of a baptismal fount. Where is the meaning in a day spent in solitude? What is the purpose of my life? Of any life? I'm meant to declare his glory....along with the heavens and the firmament.

The stars shout out their songs in the vast silence of space....but maybe space isn't silent. Maybe it's a rock concert of rotating nebulae, a clapping--applauding roaring scream of praise.

Maybe that is purpose enough. Our day has value....not if it is painless....not if it deposits money into our account...not if we scrub and clean and polish....Not if we teach, instruct and shape....not if we create and paint and sculpt.....Not if we work, provide and toil....

...But only if we praise and add to the concert of stars.

Click here to hear the stars sing

What my Saturday Looks Like

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 18 May 2013 13:24:00 +0000

Today is Saturday. What's on tap?
1) I should really really work out. That would include my recumbent bike and some strength training - preferably weights for arms and crunches for core. There are many other core exercises available however many of them rely on putting weight on your shoulders (such as in the "Plank") and my shoulders are shot from my psoriatic arthritis....so those moves are out. (update: I worked out and burned over 330 calories Yay me!)
2) I need to take some bags of "stuff" to my church to donate them for an upcoming yard sale. Because my husband is balking and being completely unhelpful about that...I may have to call on the good graces of another friend. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered getting married. (Update: got rid of aforementioned bags....House is already looking less cluttered)
3) The lens fell out of my glasses....so if my gracious driver friend is willing, I would also like to go to the glasses store to get the lens put back in. (Update: done!)
4) Need to cook a healthy dinner today. I'm not sure what. Possibly sweet potato nachos and a salad. (Update...yes, that's what I'm making)
5) Would like to go for a walk with my daughter but that will entirely depend on the degree to which she is recovered from bad cramps which have been plaguing her. (update: it's raining)
6) I need to pick out an outfit to wear for my portrait which will be going into the church directory. Why WHY couldn't they have waited until I lost at least another 40 pounds????? (I picked out an outfit and it fits me a lot better now than it did a few weeks ago so stop complaining!)

I also lost my keys. I don't know where (obviously....if I did, they wouldn't be lost)
I also bought a package of coconut icepops at the store....and ate the entire package myself. Oh YES I DID!! Not feeling proud of that at the moment....but AM feeling once again eager to get with the program . Due to marital discord and family issues I had a terrible self destructive urge to eat something evil.....I did but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. And now it's out of my system and I'm ready to be good and to lose some more weight. Not to justify myself because what I did was at the least, ill advised.....but it did get the devil off of my shoulder. Now it's time to get back onto the wagon and be serious once again.

Because....

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 17 May 2013 10:46:00 +0000

Because...

5-1-7-13

Cynthia Lott Vogel

Because of your cross Lord,

You have ears tuned to my cries

Because you hung bleeding

You can heal me.

Because you faced jeers

You will defend me.

Because your robes were stripped

You will clothe me in glory and righteousness.

Because you were bruised

You care for my jolts and hurts.

Because you were mocked

You will reign as King--with me at your side.

Because God turned his back on you

He faces me with arms extended in welcome.

Lord I will never fully comprehend

The good you did for me on your cross.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Lessons to Live By

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 10 May 2013 23:37:00 +0000

Today we had a 5:00 PM appointment at our vet to follow up for our kitty's surgery. We did that. Then there was some concern raised because there was sugar in her urine....so possible diabetes. Anyway, that appointment took like forever. We didn't get out of there until 6:30 so my husband took pity on me and told me to order a pizza so I wouldn't have to come home and cook at that (for me) ungodly hour. (I know there are those of you who work and never get home before 7:00---you have my prayers and admiration).

So, if you've been reading here you know I've been following Dr Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live diet and have thus far lost 15 pounds. I debated over eating the pizza. I really did. I decided I would "taste it"....I did. I took several bites and found it to be disgusting. It was salty as licking a salt rock and it was greasy. UGH. So I abandoned slice and got a bowl of strawberries and a hand full of walnuts instead. MUCH better!! The pizza served the selfish purpose of feeding my family and excusing me from cooking....but I really hurt my family by doing that because look how they ate!!! My husband is still flirting with chest pain. And I feed him PIZZA???? Guilty as charged. OK. I'm feeling appropriately shamed now.

Lesson ? Try not to schedule appointments at dinner time.
Lesson #2? If you ARE out, make a salad before you leave so you at least can serve that when you get home.
Lesson #3? Do not even TASTE pizza again because it is not tolerable.
Lesson #4? Stay away from DH because he is NOT happy.

Daily Steps

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 08 May 2013 13:12:00 +0000

Well, there is nothing much going on in my life except for my eating plan and weight loss efforts....and the fact that my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and is now living back at home. While it is nice for me to have her here, my heart is breaking that she is so sad. I wish I could give her some hope that the future can be better than her past life has been. I so much know what it is like to allow your mind to think about anything but the future. The future has always looked bleak to me and I know that it does too for my daughter. She is in a place of evaluating her life and is not liking what she sees. Which is sad.

What I see when I look at her is a beautiful girl who has had some incredible and overwhelming struggles to face. She comes from two mentally ill parents and has unfortunately, inherited some challenges. Then some other even worse challenges were thrust upon her. She has overcome major trauma. She put us through some hell when she was in high school....running away twice and then dropping out of school. But miraculously, she graduated and has a diploma. She struggled with a brief period of addiction....and then met her boyfriend who helped her get beyond all of that.

She sees a failure in the mirror. I see a survivor. a perseverer. (I guess that is not a word). A person who has refused to quit when almost anyone else would have. And now she is back on her own looking at a future that still holds challenges. She needs transportation. She needs a job...or to go to school or something.....but those things will come. Right now she needs to heal. And to learn how to smile again.

We have been going for walks every day. But today it is raining. ...so no walks. We are both working on losing some weight and getting healthy. I've been cooking nutritious vegan food and it usually tastes pretty good if I do say so.....not counting last night's meal which was an unmitigated failure....hence DH and daughter ordered out pizza which I refrained from and was rewarded this morning by a two pound loss.

So the family has taken its share of punches. But we are still together. We still love each other and we will persevere. Whether or not the future is bright remains to be seen. I think we have also been bitten by the pessimism that seems to grip our country right now....but God is still on his throne. And he still wants good things for his kids.....and their kids. So one day at a time...we tread on.

As God's Kids.....

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 02 May 2013 12:47:00 +0000

Two thoughts struck me lately and they both have implications about the faithfulness of God. The first was in a book called "Unlocking the Heart of the Artist" by Matt Tommey. He talked about how our provision is guaranteed because we are God's kids. Now I do know some Christians are poor....but if they trust their God, I know he sustains them. Matt talked about how if we take risks and invest the raw materials God has given us (the "talents" or "minas" as in the parable), then God will be faithful to bless and increase our wealth. I am NOT promoting a "name and and claim it" prosperity gospel here. Nor am I stating that we have to work to earn God's favor. I am just stating that as God's kids we have some rights. And these rights are not based on what we do to earn them....the only thing God expects of us is to live in faith and to utilize that which he's given us. The rest is ours because we are his kids.

The second thought I had came last night at my Bible Study. We were studying the account of David and Goliath....and I was so struck by David's absolute confidence in the Lord's plan and ability to defend the holiness of his own name. He was so confident of that, that he laid his life right on the line and expected that God would back him up. He went out there and told that trash-talking giant that "The whole land would know that there is a God in Israel who can kick the pants off of any god or any army that dares oppose him" And then David cashed in all the hours he'd spent practicing with his sling and hurled that stone and the giant fell face first to the ground.

Now David had had to prepare....he had to get good with the sling. He had to be faithful with the little bit assigned to him and he took care of those sheep to the best of his ability. And then came the moment when God let him cash in all that preparation and gave him a resounding victory....which victory David did not claim as his own but rather called it "The Lord's Victory." So what struck me about this story? And what did it have in common with Matt Tommey's book?

1) Because we are children of the King we can expect God to meet our needs and to fight our battles.
2) We must be faithful to invest in the areas he's put under our control but when we do
3) God will bountifully reward our faithfulness.

What does that have to do with me? ... A disabled woman who hardly has any money to her name and who cannot work for a living? Well, I am to be faithful in the tasks he's given me to do. I am to fully invest myself in that which I have the strength to manage and I do not have to fret about having our needs met. God will meet them. He will take care of us....because I am his kid.

Living Out There

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 13:13:00 +0000

Today I looked around at the remnants of myself that are left online. Comments in forums, this blog, Google or Facebook conversations....and I suddenly wished I could take it all back. Erase it and be anonymous and private once again. I thought of the people from my past who might be looking me up and what they might find. There is very little about me that is private. And if my book gets published....then all semblance of privacy will be gone. Do I want that? Do I want to be exposed to that degree? I mean it's bad enough the way it is...but then it will be so much worse. I will be completely exposed and laid bare.

People who live in the public eye...People who write their memoirs: how do they stand it? Does everyone who knows things about me take away those pieces of myself until there is nothing left of me? Do they then own me?

I don't know the answers to these questions. When people read a memoir, they are reading a story. The characters, even though they may be real, are just people in a book. But if someone who has crossed paths with me reads the book, then they take away something different. My words will intersect with their memories and that is a different thing altogether.

I have to carefully consider what I want to do here. Because yes, this blog pretty much puts it all "out there" but to lay open my past, to reveal all that pain and that mess--I need to be sure about that before I do it. Right now, I am having my doubts.

The Anxiety War: Fought and Won

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 13:36:00 +0000

It's Saturday morning...Everyone in my house is still asleep but me. I got my breakfast smoothie and drank it and began to sift through the (mostly junk) email that arrived overnight. Then it hit me....a thought. A niggling worry and that little spurt from the dam in my mind that holds back an ocean full of trouble, leads to cracks and suddenly, the whole structure caves in and I am awash in fear. Of what am I afraid? The kinds of things that we all worry about: Home repairs, the state of the economic system in the USA and world, my daughter's life and issues and future happiness. The fears that come when you live paycheck to paycheck. I think to myself, "Why in the world am I eating a diet that will cause me to live longer? The longer I live, the more chances of disaster will I encounter. I don't want to live to see all these fears realized.

I chide myself. "Cynthia, you know God will help you through those future problems just like he's helped you through the past ones. He will provide for your needs. Why are you panicking?" I try on that thought gingerly, like shoes that may be too small. I consider taking an Ativan, which I know will help, but which to me seems like a blatant failure of faith. So I resist. I get in the shower. Once out, the fears return. I surf over to Twitter, and there is a verse,

“Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.” (Psalm 33:20)

I confess my struggle on Facebook, after an inner argument in which my pride demanded that my weakness remain hidden and private. But a minute after I laid it out there someone posted this in the comments to my post.
"In the multitude of my anxieties within me Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19 He is faithful! Praying...."
My soul starts to breathe again. I make a cup of chamomile tea to further relax myself. And while I wait for the tea to cool, I read over Julie Coleman's post here on my blog (You will find it to be the next post you will read down this page). Her words make a lot of sense. Is this fear truth? Or is it based on the devil's lies? While the things I'm worrying about are legitimate fears, they leave God's faithfulness, Love and provision, out of the equation. I am NOT in this fight alone. I do not struggle as one who has no hope.

And her second piece of advice: Keep an eternal mindset. These worries, theses fears are temporal. They are solidly rooted in the here and now. They have no place in my future in heaven. They are not things that can rock my future past the grave. Yes, this world will have hardships. But we have a strong God who does not leave us to struggle on alone. He will get us through....and he will bring us home. Where is the fear in that? It is dismantled, disarmed.

A dose of God's truth did what Ativan did and then some. Ativan does not give hope. God's words do.

Guest Blog: Julie Coleman

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 22:25:00 +0000

I am very excited today. I have a friend who just published her first book called "Unexpected Love" which talks about Jesus' relationship with women throughout the Gospels. Her name is Julie Coleman and the reason I'm so thrilled is that I asked her a week or so ago to consider writing a guest blog post for my blog and very graciously she has consented to do so. Today I got her article in my email and it is one that I know it is one from which you will get a lot of good stuff. Julie is a very gifted writer and an equally gifted Bible teacher and speaker. Please visit her blog. The link to it is posted at the end of this article.

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Thinking Correctly

A sign in my daughter’s psychologist’s office warns: “Don’t believe everything you think.” This is true wisdom for anyone dealing with mental illness…and especially appropriate for the Christian.

Part of my husband Steve’s recovery from clinical depression involved the development of a careful discernment in his thought life. At the height of his illness, he struggled with discouraging messages on a daily basis: You are worthless, no good to anyone. You will fail. His therapy involved learning to examine each thought against what he knew to be truth from the Word of God. Worthless? God didn’t think so. He paid an exorbitant price to ransom Steve’s soul. Inevitable failure? Not hardly. Philippians 4:13 promised the ability to do anything when operating in Christ’s strength. One by one, Steve compared his destructive thoughts with God’s truth. And as he did, he methodically slayed his dragons.

Paul gives the same antidote for the lies that scream at us on a daily basis. “Whatever is true, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things,” he advised his Philippian readers. In order to sift through the conflicting noise of today’s world, we need an unshakable standard.

Learning to think correctly is also the key to our spiritual transformation. For the Christian, permanent change begins in the mind: “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2) Even the idea of repentance is linked to this. The original Greek word conveys the idea of a change of mind, or an internal, intellectual replacement of one idea of judgment by another. The action of repentance is not an outward behavior. It is a decision to think differently about something.

Paul gave the Philippians the key to an appropriate mind-set. “Our citizenship is in heaven,” he told them. Stop thinking in terms of the temporary. Begin thinking in terms of eternity. It would make all the difference for them as they struggled to live in unity under growing persecution from the outside.

It will make all the difference for us as well. Rather than circumstances overwhelming us, we will view difficulty as “momentary, light affliction producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” Instead of putting our hope in this temporary world, we will hope in “an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you.” We will be enabled to get off the treadmill of performance and rest in the fact God has already “seated us in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.” Choosing to trust in the truth of God allows us to stop striving and rest in the security he has given us in Christ.

It all starts in the mind.

“Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:9

Author and speaker Julie Coleman dedicates herself to helping others understand and know an unexpected God. Her new book, Unexpected Love: God’s Heart Revealed in Jesus’ Conversations with Women, was recently released by Thomas Nelson Publishers. Julie and her husband live in Annapolis, MD. You can find her blog at unexpectedgod.com.

Pained Interlude

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:51:00 +0000

Tonight has been a long night....and it's still only 3:30 AM. I've been plagued of late, by severe neck pain that extends from my jaw to my finger tips. And tonight my lower back has added its voice to the chorus....the chorus which includes feet and hands, as always. Tonight I am thinking about Joni Eareckson Tada and her struggle with pain. She has described waking in pain - similar pain, I'm thinking, to what I experience - and not being able to shift in the bed or to get up, as I can, and move to a recliner. She doesn't want to wake Ken, her husband, yet again, so she lies there in agony. I can't imagine what this pain would be like if I were paralyzed like she is. So Joni, know that tonight you have given me courage. If you can endure and still praise Jesus, then so can I.

Tomorrow will be a long day. A day in which my normal levels of fatigue will be magnified by this sleepless night. Some friends from church are supposed to come and help me with cleaning up my lawn for the spring. There's just no way I will be able to work alongside them in this pain.

Pain is a full time job. It's a job with mandatory overtime on the 3rd shift. It's a job without pay and with long lonely hours. I often wonder if Jesus ever experienced pain other than for those hours on the cross. The Gospels give no hint that he did. But if he was tempted in all ways that we are...wouldn't that mean that he had to struggle with long term suffering? There is nothing so tempting as is the abandonment of one's faith as a result of daily pain. There is nothing so trying as to have to come up with a smile when you are in agony. I don't know. Just saying.

My husband just left for work. I'm going to get up and get off of this torturous "rack" of a bed and turn the lights on. I've had enough of this night. It's time for it to be over.

Who Reigns?

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 17:21:00 +0000

image by Wendy Solganik : http://healthygirlskitchen.blogspot.com/

Today marks the first day of the second week of eating in a nutrarian manner as defined by Dr. Joel Fuhrman in his book "Eat to Live." After gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over for the past two years I am delighted to report steady weight loss on this program. The total for last week was 7 pounds. Not too shabby for one week. I've noted improvement in my breathing and in my anxiety levels...not one anxiety attack all week! Not one Ativan! And I've stopped my really really annoying habit of making a moan-like noise with each labored breath. I know I do that because it's part of my struggle to draw a breath but it is embarrassing and kind of ridiculous. Maybe now it will be history.

My husband is doing this program also in an attempt to save his life from the heart disease that has been threatening him. He has been less excited about the diet than I have been but he is making strides. Today he flung a Dunkin Donut out of his car window finding that it tasted disgusting to him! Our taste buds are being renewed and refreshed by eating like this....and what USED to tempt us and sound good to us, now is disgusting and unappealing.

I have to restrain myself....I know that my excitement can be annoying to some people and face it: the way people eat is personal and that little idol is too close to the heart for them to want to hear that maybe it is made of clay. It is possible also for healthy food to be an idol. It is possible for a raw vegan to be consumed by their food rather than having their food consumed by them. It is this lesson I'm preaching to myself. Just because my food is healthy doesn't mean that it is impossible that I'm paying an unhealthy amount of attention to it. Is God getting the glory? Do I think about him more than I think about food? Honestly in the past couple of days, food has gotten more brain time and space than God has....and that is a dangerous state of affairs.

It is now that I need to embrace the book "Made to Crave" and make sure that GOD is the object of my craving ...not food, healthy or unhealthy. If I was this excited about God what would it look like?? What if it were he that I couldn't stop talking about? OH LORD....forgive my wandering lusting heart. Forgive the vanity that begs me to look good and thin. Forgive me for proselytizing about food instead of about You. Forgive me for looking forward to meals more than I look forward to my private times with You.

Rein me in O God.
Reign in me O God.

Apart from Me....

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 11:59:00 +0000

...You can do nothing. Those words in today's emailed Bible Verse resounded in me as I read them. Last night a pipe sprang a leak in the cellar. I shut the well off and then made a flurry of phone calls trying to locate a plumber. No one. Not one was available. So I decided that that was just as well so I could go to prayer meeting and avoid paying an emergency visit fee. This morning I called several places and the phones rang off into infinity without a reply. But one man answered....and he got the job. Now I know nothing about this plumber except that he is God's man for this job....because God neatly eliminated all the competition.

Apart from me, you can do nothing.

So why do we try so hard to save our own butts? Why do we congratulate ourselves on weight loss or good grades or appointments to high places? It's all God, isn't it? And one thing I know about God is, he doesn't like anyone stealing his glory....so before you go out and brag that you did this and such.....you'd better have an awakening before the face of God. Let HIM show you exactly how much you were responsible for your successes. Let HIM tell you who enabled your weight loss or found your plumber or made that deal.

Give credit where credit is due. And tell worry to take a hike because GOD is on the job.

Ken and Joni, a Review

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 17:23:00 +0000

Joni and Ken: An Untold Love Story by Zondervan Publishing

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Having read I think almost all of Joni's books and knowing the story of her life and struggles, I was somewhat prepared for what I found in Ken and Joni. What I found was a beautifully written love story between two very special people, who have the same struggles as you and I do---and then some. It was the story of their love gradually blooming, then cooling under the stress of caring for a disabled partner ....and then bursting again into flame when the life of that partner became jeopardized. It is the story of two people who love only the Lord, more than they love each other. To see them disagree and then work things out, one minute arguing and the next in prayer, was quite a life lesson for me.

A writer, ( I forget who at the moment) when asked who he felt was the most godly person he'd ever met, named Joni Eareckson Tada....and I agree. Only perhaps Corrie Ten Boom has such a love affair with Jesus. Being in severe chronic pain myself, I know firsthand some of what Joni went and goes through....But she always perseveres, always throws her whole weight on the arms of Jesus....and she has a partner worthy of her. Ken -while not perfect- is a husband of a caliber that would make anyone jealous :) He has dedicated his life to being Joni's helpmeet. And he does it with style.

The book was, as I said, well written and a pleasure to read. It was a fast read but left me satisfied for having read it.

View all my reviews

The Story of my Life: In Book Form

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 22:33:00 +0000


Me Working on my Manuscript

As some of you may recall, I have been in the process of writing my story in book form for a couple of years. It is in the preliminary stages of publication right now. I can't say for certain when it will be released or in what form. It will either be an e-book or it will be both paper and electronic. Stay tuned for more news about it....

My life has been--as some friends have commented--more dramatic than fiction...really really bad fiction. Beset by serious mental illness while a teen, I have had well over 30 psychiatric hospitalizations and four suicide attempts. Then just when my mental issues seemed to be leveling out, my health broke down. I've faced death more times than I can list off hand. I've attempted to put this saga into written form and am planning on publishing in the next year.

I will let you know more as I know more.

Ghosts

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 08:13:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've written a post at 3:00AM....however last night and tonight I was awake for the majority of the time because of pain. So here I sit, hurting, and sending my lonely voice out to your 'ears' with the hopes of somehow connecting. Do you have nights when sadness keeps you awake? or Anxiety? Years ago I had many nights like that. In fact, every night was like that. In those nights, I journaled, or drew but more often I lit a cigarette and burrowed it into my arm--or took a razor blade and carved up my arms. I think about that now...now when pain doesn't have to be sought; it seeks me...and those nights, that pain, seems like it was another lifetime...and yet, at the same time, if feels like just moments ago I marred the surface of my arms yet again. And I feel the failure. The bitterness of loss.

It's weird. I do not often allow my mind to travel along these paths. But it was a big part of my life; a large chunk of time that we are talking about. Many years. Now I sit, burdened by my pain and I wonder why I sought more pain out when I was already in such unimaginable mental pain. To me, it used to be an expression of the pain I already was feeling. A means of bringing it out of the corridors of thought into the open air. Excising it. Releasing it. It said to me and to the world, "This is a bad person who deserves to suffer." And that indictment has followed me throughout my life and God has carried out that self imposed sentence and given me great suffering to bear that wore different coats at different time.

Mental pain is no picnic. It can drive you to do terrible things. Just ask Matt Warren. If I'd have had a shot gun back then, I would not have hesitated to use it. Instead I carved minideaths on my body and lied to cover them up. I wore long sleeves in hundred degree weather and told people I was cold! Now, rather than scar my arms, I make collages of health. Pictures of people who look like I'd like to. PIctures of vegetables and fruit. Pictures of people exercising. Now today, I try to care for this sick and pained body. I bathe and clothe it. I feed it healthy food. I'm committed to health.

But I'll be honest, in spite of these healthy gestures, there is, at my core, a woman who still struggles with that self inflicted pain. A woman who still symbolically cuts and carves and scorches. Will someday, she lay down the instruments of harm and lose this weight and stop torturing herself? I hope so. I think so. Maybe I just need to revert to the trick i learned those many years ago. "ACT AS IF." Act as if you cared about your self...about your body, about your future. Act and the feelings will follow. And largely, they did. I have to realize that that sad, angry young woman has been put to bed and she will not have a say anymore in how I live or what I do. It is only on lonely nights like this that she stirs in her sleep and maybe talks in that sleep....reminding me that she is there.

Goodnight Cynthia. Go back to sleep. Put your pain aside and rest. Tomorrow is a new day.