Treasures from Darkness

What my Saturday Looks Like

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 18 May 2013 13:24:00 +0000

Today is Saturday. What's on tap?
1) I should really really work out. That would include my recumbent bike and some strength training - preferably weights for arms and crunches for core. There are many other core exercises available however many of them rely on putting weight on your shoulders (such as in the "Plank") and my shoulders are shot from my psoriatic arthritis....so those moves are out. (update: I worked out and burned over 330 calories Yay me!)
2) I need to take some bags of "stuff" to my church to donate them for an upcoming yard sale. Because my husband is balking and being completely unhelpful about that...I may have to call on the good graces of another friend. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered getting married. (Update: got rid of aforementioned bags....House is already looking less cluttered)
3) The lens fell out of my glasses....so if my gracious driver friend is willing, I would also like to go to the glasses store to get the lens put back in. (Update: done!)
4) Need to cook a healthy dinner today. I'm not sure what. Possibly sweet potato nachos and a salad. (Update...yes, that's what I'm making)
5) Would like to go for a walk with my daughter but that will entirely depend on the degree to which she is recovered from bad cramps which have been plaguing her. (update: it's raining)
6) I need to pick out an outfit to wear for my portrait which will be going into the church directory. Why WHY couldn't they have waited until I lost at least another 40 pounds????? (I picked out an outfit and it fits me a lot better now than it did a few weeks ago so stop complaining!)

I also lost my keys. I don't know where (obviously....if I did, they wouldn't be lost)
I also bought a package of coconut icepops at the store....and ate the entire package myself. Oh YES I DID!! Not feeling proud of that at the moment....but AM feeling once again eager to get with the program . Due to marital discord and family issues I had a terrible self destructive urge to eat something evil.....I did but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. And now it's out of my system and I'm ready to be good and to lose some more weight. Not to justify myself because what I did was at the least, ill advised.....but it did get the devil off of my shoulder. Now it's time to get back onto the wagon and be serious once again.

Because....

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 17 May 2013 10:46:00 +0000

Because...

5-1-7-13

Cynthia Lott Vogel

Because of your cross Lord,

You have ears tuned to my cries

Because you hung bleeding

You can heal me.

Because you faced jeers

You will defend me.

Because your robes were stripped

You will clothe me in glory and righteousness.

Because you were bruised

You care for my jolts and hurts.

Because you were mocked

You will reign as King--with me at your side.

Because God turned his back on you

He faces me with arms extended in welcome.

Lord I will never fully comprehend

The good you did for me on your cross.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Lessons to Live By

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 10 May 2013 23:37:00 +0000

Today we had a 5:00 PM appointment at our vet to follow up for our kitty's surgery. We did that. Then there was some concern raised because there was sugar in her urine....so possible diabetes. Anyway, that appointment took like forever. We didn't get out of there until 6:30 so my husband took pity on me and told me to order a pizza so I wouldn't have to come home and cook at that (for me) ungodly hour. (I know there are those of you who work and never get home before 7:00---you have my prayers and admiration).

So, if you've been reading here you know I've been following Dr Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live diet and have thus far lost 15 pounds. I debated over eating the pizza. I really did. I decided I would "taste it"....I did. I took several bites and found it to be disgusting. It was salty as licking a salt rock and it was greasy. UGH. So I abandoned slice and got a bowl of strawberries and a hand full of walnuts instead. MUCH better!! The pizza served the selfish purpose of feeding my family and excusing me from cooking....but I really hurt my family by doing that because look how they ate!!! My husband is still flirting with chest pain. And I feed him PIZZA???? Guilty as charged. OK. I'm feeling appropriately shamed now.

Lesson ? Try not to schedule appointments at dinner time.
Lesson #2? If you ARE out, make a salad before you leave so you at least can serve that when you get home.
Lesson #3? Do not even TASTE pizza again because it is not tolerable.
Lesson #4? Stay away from DH because he is NOT happy.

Daily Steps

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Wed, 08 May 2013 13:12:00 +0000

Well, there is nothing much going on in my life except for my eating plan and weight loss efforts....and the fact that my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and is now living back at home. While it is nice for me to have her here, my heart is breaking that she is so sad. I wish I could give her some hope that the future can be better than her past life has been. I so much know what it is like to allow your mind to think about anything but the future. The future has always looked bleak to me and I know that it does too for my daughter. She is in a place of evaluating her life and is not liking what she sees. Which is sad.

What I see when I look at her is a beautiful girl who has had some incredible and overwhelming struggles to face. She comes from two mentally ill parents and has unfortunately, inherited some challenges. Then some other even worse challenges were thrust upon her. She has overcome major trauma. She put us through some hell when she was in high school....running away twice and then dropping out of school. But miraculously, she graduated and has a diploma. She struggled with a brief period of addiction....and then met her boyfriend who helped her get beyond all of that.

She sees a failure in the mirror. I see a survivor. a perseverer. (I guess that is not a word). A person who has refused to quit when almost anyone else would have. And now she is back on her own looking at a future that still holds challenges. She needs transportation. She needs a job...or to go to school or something.....but those things will come. Right now she needs to heal. And to learn how to smile again.

We have been going for walks every day. But today it is raining. ...so no walks. We are both working on losing some weight and getting healthy. I've been cooking nutritious vegan food and it usually tastes pretty good if I do say so.....not counting last night's meal which was an unmitigated failure....hence DH and daughter ordered out pizza which I refrained from and was rewarded this morning by a two pound loss.

So the family has taken its share of punches. But we are still together. We still love each other and we will persevere. Whether or not the future is bright remains to be seen. I think we have also been bitten by the pessimism that seems to grip our country right now....but God is still on his throne. And he still wants good things for his kids.....and their kids. So one day at a time...we tread on.

As God's Kids.....

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 02 May 2013 12:47:00 +0000

Two thoughts struck me lately and they both have implications about the faithfulness of God. The first was in a book called "Unlocking the Heart of the Artist" by Matt Tommey. He talked about how our provision is guaranteed because we are God's kids. Now I do know some Christians are poor....but if they trust their God, I know he sustains them. Matt talked about how if we take risks and invest the raw materials God has given us (the "talents" or "minas" as in the parable), then God will be faithful to bless and increase our wealth. I am NOT promoting a "name and and claim it" prosperity gospel here. Nor am I stating that we have to work to earn God's favor. I am just stating that as God's kids we have some rights. And these rights are not based on what we do to earn them....the only thing God expects of us is to live in faith and to utilize that which he's given us. The rest is ours because we are his kids.

The second thought I had came last night at my Bible Study. We were studying the account of David and Goliath....and I was so struck by David's absolute confidence in the Lord's plan and ability to defend the holiness of his own name. He was so confident of that, that he laid his life right on the line and expected that God would back him up. He went out there and told that trash-talking giant that "The whole land would know that there is a God in Israel who can kick the pants off of any god or any army that dares oppose him" And then David cashed in all the hours he'd spent practicing with his sling and hurled that stone and the giant fell face first to the ground.

Now David had had to prepare....he had to get good with the sling. He had to be faithful with the little bit assigned to him and he took care of those sheep to the best of his ability. And then came the moment when God let him cash in all that preparation and gave him a resounding victory....which victory David did not claim as his own but rather called it "The Lord's Victory." So what struck me about this story? And what did it have in common with Matt Tommey's book?

1) Because we are children of the King we can expect God to meet our needs and to fight our battles.
2) We must be faithful to invest in the areas he's put under our control but when we do
3) God will bountifully reward our faithfulness.

What does that have to do with me? ... A disabled woman who hardly has any money to her name and who cannot work for a living? Well, I am to be faithful in the tasks he's given me to do. I am to fully invest myself in that which I have the strength to manage and I do not have to fret about having our needs met. God will meet them. He will take care of us....because I am his kid.

Living Out There

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 13:13:00 +0000

Today I looked around at the remnants of myself that are left online. Comments in forums, this blog, Google or Facebook conversations....and I suddenly wished I could take it all back. Erase it and be anonymous and private once again. I thought of the people from my past who might be looking me up and what they might find. There is very little about me that is private. And if my book gets published....then all semblance of privacy will be gone. Do I want that? Do I want to be exposed to that degree? I mean it's bad enough the way it is...but then it will be so much worse. I will be completely exposed and laid bare.

People who live in the public eye...People who write their memoirs: how do they stand it? Does everyone who knows things about me take away those pieces of myself until there is nothing left of me? Do they then own me?

I don't know the answers to these questions. When people read a memoir, they are reading a story. The characters, even though they may be real, are just people in a book. But if someone who has crossed paths with me reads the book, then they take away something different. My words will intersect with their memories and that is a different thing altogether.

I have to carefully consider what I want to do here. Because yes, this blog pretty much puts it all "out there" but to lay open my past, to reveal all that pain and that mess--I need to be sure about that before I do it. Right now, I am having my doubts.

The Anxiety War: Fought and Won

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 13:36:00 +0000

It's Saturday morning...Everyone in my house is still asleep but me. I got my breakfast smoothie and drank it and began to sift through the (mostly junk) email that arrived overnight. Then it hit me....a thought. A niggling worry and that little spurt from the dam in my mind that holds back an ocean full of trouble, leads to cracks and suddenly, the whole structure caves in and I am awash in fear. Of what am I afraid? The kinds of things that we all worry about: Home repairs, the state of the economic system in the USA and world, my daughter's life and issues and future happiness. The fears that come when you live paycheck to paycheck. I think to myself, "Why in the world am I eating a diet that will cause me to live longer? The longer I live, the more chances of disaster will I encounter. I don't want to live to see all these fears realized.

I chide myself. "Cynthia, you know God will help you through those future problems just like he's helped you through the past ones. He will provide for your needs. Why are you panicking?" I try on that thought gingerly, like shoes that may be too small. I consider taking an Ativan, which I know will help, but which to me seems like a blatant failure of faith. So I resist. I get in the shower. Once out, the fears return. I surf over to Twitter, and there is a verse,

“Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.” (Psalm 33:20)

I confess my struggle on Facebook, after an inner argument in which my pride demanded that my weakness remain hidden and private. But a minute after I laid it out there someone posted this in the comments to my post.
"In the multitude of my anxieties within me Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19 He is faithful! Praying...."
My soul starts to breathe again. I make a cup of chamomile tea to further relax myself. And while I wait for the tea to cool, I read over Julie Coleman's post here on my blog (You will find it to be the next post you will read down this page). Her words make a lot of sense. Is this fear truth? Or is it based on the devil's lies? While the things I'm worrying about are legitimate fears, they leave God's faithfulness, Love and provision, out of the equation. I am NOT in this fight alone. I do not struggle as one who has no hope.

And her second piece of advice: Keep an eternal mindset. These worries, theses fears are temporal. They are solidly rooted in the here and now. They have no place in my future in heaven. They are not things that can rock my future past the grave. Yes, this world will have hardships. But we have a strong God who does not leave us to struggle on alone. He will get us through....and he will bring us home. Where is the fear in that? It is dismantled, disarmed.

A dose of God's truth did what Ativan did and then some. Ativan does not give hope. God's words do.

Guest Blog: Julie Coleman

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 22:25:00 +0000

I am very excited today. I have a friend who just published her first book called "Unexpected Love" which talks about Jesus' relationship with women throughout the Gospels. Her name is Julie Coleman and the reason I'm so thrilled is that I asked her a week or so ago to consider writing a guest blog post for my blog and very graciously she has consented to do so. Today I got her article in my email and it is one that I know it is one from which you will get a lot of good stuff. Julie is a very gifted writer and an equally gifted Bible teacher and speaker. Please visit her blog. The link to it is posted at the end of this article.

*******************************************
Thinking Correctly

A sign in my daughter’s psychologist’s office warns: “Don’t believe everything you think.” This is true wisdom for anyone dealing with mental illness…and especially appropriate for the Christian.

Part of my husband Steve’s recovery from clinical depression involved the development of a careful discernment in his thought life. At the height of his illness, he struggled with discouraging messages on a daily basis: You are worthless, no good to anyone. You will fail. His therapy involved learning to examine each thought against what he knew to be truth from the Word of God. Worthless? God didn’t think so. He paid an exorbitant price to ransom Steve’s soul. Inevitable failure? Not hardly. Philippians 4:13 promised the ability to do anything when operating in Christ’s strength. One by one, Steve compared his destructive thoughts with God’s truth. And as he did, he methodically slayed his dragons.

Paul gives the same antidote for the lies that scream at us on a daily basis. “Whatever is true, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things,” he advised his Philippian readers. In order to sift through the conflicting noise of today’s world, we need an unshakable standard.

Learning to think correctly is also the key to our spiritual transformation. For the Christian, permanent change begins in the mind: “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2) Even the idea of repentance is linked to this. The original Greek word conveys the idea of a change of mind, or an internal, intellectual replacement of one idea of judgment by another. The action of repentance is not an outward behavior. It is a decision to think differently about something.

Paul gave the Philippians the key to an appropriate mind-set. “Our citizenship is in heaven,” he told them. Stop thinking in terms of the temporary. Begin thinking in terms of eternity. It would make all the difference for them as they struggled to live in unity under growing persecution from the outside.

It will make all the difference for us as well. Rather than circumstances overwhelming us, we will view difficulty as “momentary, light affliction producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” Instead of putting our hope in this temporary world, we will hope in “an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you.” We will be enabled to get off the treadmill of performance and rest in the fact God has already “seated us in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.” Choosing to trust in the truth of God allows us to stop striving and rest in the security he has given us in Christ.

It all starts in the mind.

“Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:9

Author and speaker Julie Coleman dedicates herself to helping others understand and know an unexpected God. Her new book, Unexpected Love: God’s Heart Revealed in Jesus’ Conversations with Women, was recently released by Thomas Nelson Publishers. Julie and her husband live in Annapolis, MD. You can find her blog at unexpectedgod.com.

Pained Interlude

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:51:00 +0000

Tonight has been a long night....and it's still only 3:30 AM. I've been plagued of late, by severe neck pain that extends from my jaw to my finger tips. And tonight my lower back has added its voice to the chorus....the chorus which includes feet and hands, as always. Tonight I am thinking about Joni Eareckson Tada and her struggle with pain. She has described waking in pain - similar pain, I'm thinking, to what I experience - and not being able to shift in the bed or to get up, as I can, and move to a recliner. She doesn't want to wake Ken, her husband, yet again, so she lies there in agony. I can't imagine what this pain would be like if I were paralyzed like she is. So Joni, know that tonight you have given me courage. If you can endure and still praise Jesus, then so can I.

Tomorrow will be a long day. A day in which my normal levels of fatigue will be magnified by this sleepless night. Some friends from church are supposed to come and help me with cleaning up my lawn for the spring. There's just no way I will be able to work alongside them in this pain.

Pain is a full time job. It's a job with mandatory overtime on the 3rd shift. It's a job without pay and with long lonely hours. I often wonder if Jesus ever experienced pain other than for those hours on the cross. The Gospels give no hint that he did. But if he was tempted in all ways that we are...wouldn't that mean that he had to struggle with long term suffering? There is nothing so tempting as is the abandonment of one's faith as a result of daily pain. There is nothing so trying as to have to come up with a smile when you are in agony. I don't know. Just saying.

My husband just left for work. I'm going to get up and get off of this torturous "rack" of a bed and turn the lights on. I've had enough of this night. It's time for it to be over.

Who Reigns?

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 17:21:00 +0000

image by Wendy Solganik : http://healthygirlskitchen.blogspot.com/

Today marks the first day of the second week of eating in a nutrarian manner as defined by Dr. Joel Fuhrman in his book "Eat to Live." After gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over for the past two years I am delighted to report steady weight loss on this program. The total for last week was 7 pounds. Not too shabby for one week. I've noted improvement in my breathing and in my anxiety levels...not one anxiety attack all week! Not one Ativan! And I've stopped my really really annoying habit of making a moan-like noise with each labored breath. I know I do that because it's part of my struggle to draw a breath but it is embarrassing and kind of ridiculous. Maybe now it will be history.

My husband is doing this program also in an attempt to save his life from the heart disease that has been threatening him. He has been less excited about the diet than I have been but he is making strides. Today he flung a Dunkin Donut out of his car window finding that it tasted disgusting to him! Our taste buds are being renewed and refreshed by eating like this....and what USED to tempt us and sound good to us, now is disgusting and unappealing.

I have to restrain myself....I know that my excitement can be annoying to some people and face it: the way people eat is personal and that little idol is too close to the heart for them to want to hear that maybe it is made of clay. It is possible also for healthy food to be an idol. It is possible for a raw vegan to be consumed by their food rather than having their food consumed by them. It is this lesson I'm preaching to myself. Just because my food is healthy doesn't mean that it is impossible that I'm paying an unhealthy amount of attention to it. Is God getting the glory? Do I think about him more than I think about food? Honestly in the past couple of days, food has gotten more brain time and space than God has....and that is a dangerous state of affairs.

It is now that I need to embrace the book "Made to Crave" and make sure that GOD is the object of my craving ...not food, healthy or unhealthy. If I was this excited about God what would it look like?? What if it were he that I couldn't stop talking about? OH LORD....forgive my wandering lusting heart. Forgive the vanity that begs me to look good and thin. Forgive me for proselytizing about food instead of about You. Forgive me for looking forward to meals more than I look forward to my private times with You.

Rein me in O God.
Reign in me O God.

Apart from Me....

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 11:59:00 +0000

...You can do nothing. Those words in today's emailed Bible Verse resounded in me as I read them. Last night a pipe sprang a leak in the cellar. I shut the well off and then made a flurry of phone calls trying to locate a plumber. No one. Not one was available. So I decided that that was just as well so I could go to prayer meeting and avoid paying an emergency visit fee. This morning I called several places and the phones rang off into infinity without a reply. But one man answered....and he got the job. Now I know nothing about this plumber except that he is God's man for this job....because God neatly eliminated all the competition.

Apart from me, you can do nothing.

So why do we try so hard to save our own butts? Why do we congratulate ourselves on weight loss or good grades or appointments to high places? It's all God, isn't it? And one thing I know about God is, he doesn't like anyone stealing his glory....so before you go out and brag that you did this and such.....you'd better have an awakening before the face of God. Let HIM show you exactly how much you were responsible for your successes. Let HIM tell you who enabled your weight loss or found your plumber or made that deal.

Give credit where credit is due. And tell worry to take a hike because GOD is on the job.

Ken and Joni, a Review

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 17:23:00 +0000

Joni and Ken: An Untold Love Story by Zondervan Publishing

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Having read I think almost all of Joni's books and knowing the story of her life and struggles, I was somewhat prepared for what I found in Ken and Joni. What I found was a beautifully written love story between two very special people, who have the same struggles as you and I do---and then some. It was the story of their love gradually blooming, then cooling under the stress of caring for a disabled partner ....and then bursting again into flame when the life of that partner became jeopardized. It is the story of two people who love only the Lord, more than they love each other. To see them disagree and then work things out, one minute arguing and the next in prayer, was quite a life lesson for me.

A writer, ( I forget who at the moment) when asked who he felt was the most godly person he'd ever met, named Joni Eareckson Tada....and I agree. Only perhaps Corrie Ten Boom has such a love affair with Jesus. Being in severe chronic pain myself, I know firsthand some of what Joni went and goes through....But she always perseveres, always throws her whole weight on the arms of Jesus....and she has a partner worthy of her. Ken -while not perfect- is a husband of a caliber that would make anyone jealous :) He has dedicated his life to being Joni's helpmeet. And he does it with style.

The book was, as I said, well written and a pleasure to read. It was a fast read but left me satisfied for having read it.

View all my reviews

The Story of my Life: In Book Form

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 22:33:00 +0000


Me Working on my Manuscript

As some of you may recall, I have been in the process of writing my story in book form for a couple of years. It is in the preliminary stages of publication right now. I can't say for certain when it will be released or in what form. It will either be an e-book or it will be both paper and electronic. Stay tuned for more news about it....

My life has been--as some friends have commented--more dramatic than fiction...really really bad fiction. Beset by serious mental illness while a teen, I have had well over 30 psychiatric hospitalizations and four suicide attempts. Then just when my mental issues seemed to be leveling out, my health broke down. I've faced death more times than I can list off hand. I've attempted to put this saga into written form and am planning on publishing in the next year.

I will let you know more as I know more.

Ghosts

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 08:13:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've written a post at 3:00AM....however last night and tonight I was awake for the majority of the time because of pain. So here I sit, hurting, and sending my lonely voice out to your 'ears' with the hopes of somehow connecting. Do you have nights when sadness keeps you awake? or Anxiety? Years ago I had many nights like that. In fact, every night was like that. In those nights, I journaled, or drew but more often I lit a cigarette and burrowed it into my arm--or took a razor blade and carved up my arms. I think about that now...now when pain doesn't have to be sought; it seeks me...and those nights, that pain, seems like it was another lifetime...and yet, at the same time, if feels like just moments ago I marred the surface of my arms yet again. And I feel the failure. The bitterness of loss.

It's weird. I do not often allow my mind to travel along these paths. But it was a big part of my life; a large chunk of time that we are talking about. Many years. Now I sit, burdened by my pain and I wonder why I sought more pain out when I was already in such unimaginable mental pain. To me, it used to be an expression of the pain I already was feeling. A means of bringing it out of the corridors of thought into the open air. Excising it. Releasing it. It said to me and to the world, "This is a bad person who deserves to suffer." And that indictment has followed me throughout my life and God has carried out that self imposed sentence and given me great suffering to bear that wore different coats at different time.

Mental pain is no picnic. It can drive you to do terrible things. Just ask Matt Warren. If I'd have had a shot gun back then, I would not have hesitated to use it. Instead I carved minideaths on my body and lied to cover them up. I wore long sleeves in hundred degree weather and told people I was cold! Now, rather than scar my arms, I make collages of health. Pictures of people who look like I'd like to. PIctures of vegetables and fruit. Pictures of people exercising. Now today, I try to care for this sick and pained body. I bathe and clothe it. I feed it healthy food. I'm committed to health.

But I'll be honest, in spite of these healthy gestures, there is, at my core, a woman who still struggles with that self inflicted pain. A woman who still symbolically cuts and carves and scorches. Will someday, she lay down the instruments of harm and lose this weight and stop torturing herself? I hope so. I think so. Maybe I just need to revert to the trick i learned those many years ago. "ACT AS IF." Act as if you cared about your self...about your body, about your future. Act and the feelings will follow. And largely, they did. I have to realize that that sad, angry young woman has been put to bed and she will not have a say anymore in how I live or what I do. It is only on lonely nights like this that she stirs in her sleep and maybe talks in that sleep....reminding me that she is there.

Goodnight Cynthia. Go back to sleep. Put your pain aside and rest. Tomorrow is a new day.

A Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 11:58:00 +0000

Up like Steeples

Cynthia Lott Vogel

Growth.

Up from the frozen gloomy loam,

a green appendage stretches,

yawning his verdant yawn.

Breath of damp tundra.

Three church steeples appear in the ground,
A Holy Trinity of green.

Their worshipers gather.

Lime. Yellow. White.

Nestled in snow's furrows breathing out

hope for those who would inhale deep.

Catch the season in the scent.

The golden orb: warmth inviting growth.

No more cramped crouching.

Come sway in the sun!

But there is a dark rumor...

a mutter of frozen nights to be

yet borne and survived.

Make haste while the sun shines!

We'll deal with the nocturnal bite when it comes.

Jesus in Need?

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:52:00 +0000

Today was a beautiful day. I did what everyone likes to do on beautiful days: tried to get some yard work done. My goal was to unearth my flower plot from the leaves which covered it 10" deep. I leave the leaves there for the winter to protect my plants from the harsh cold and then each spring, I

dig the leaves away and cart them to the nearby woods. Today as I raked, my breathing became more rapid and more strained. By the time I had carted a huge bag full of leaves to the woods and was attempting to shake it empty, I was doubled over gasping. Freaking asthma. I hate it.

I staggered into the house and made it to my nebulizer and oxygen condenser. It took a number of minutes of both before I could breathe relatively easily again. So I have a job 3/4 of the way done that I had to abandon. I have a number of other jobs around the yard to do as well....and these will have to be left undone as well until I can get some help. I hate asking for help. But it's something I've had to do more and more frequently as the years have gone by. Limitations by pain, weakness or lack of air have made me more and more dependent on the strengths and good nature of others.

It just occurred to me. Did Jesus ever ask for help? Did he ever have to? I just thought of one time....in the Garden of Gethsemane when he asked his disciples to stay up with him and pray. And they failed him in this. Jesus was in need....and I believe it is the only recorded time in Scripture---nope. When he was in the wilderness being tempted, he was in need and angels attended him. But he did not have to ask a human for help then. The only time he relied on humans was in the Garden....and they failed him miserably.

Jesus usually relied on his Father for help. In feeding the 5000 and 3000 thousands, he prayed and asked God for help. In the wilderness, God sent him angelic aid. In healing Lazarus, he asked God but he really just THANKED God for hearing him....before he even expressed his need. I think that this all means that I need to be bringing my needs more to the Father before I bring them to people. Jesus was not self sufficient. He was God-reliant. As he said in John over and over, "I do nothing on my own. I only do what my Father tells me to do. I say what he tells me to say." I can say, "but I'm not Jesus, How can I be as sufficient as he was?" But the answer to that is "I CAN" because I have the very same Father that He had when he was on earth.

When Jesus relied on God, things got done. When he relied on man; they went undone. A simple but powerful message to us. To me. Girl....who's your Daddy??

Christians and Suicide

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 20:51:00 +0000

I just received in my email a letter from Pastor Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church and author of The Purpose Driven Life, a book that played a key role in my return to the Lord after years of wandering in the darkness of mental illness. I was very sad to read the following words concerning Matthew, Rick's 27 year old son.

You who watched Matthew grow up knew he was an incredibly kind, gentle, and compassionate man. He had a brilliant intellect and a gift for sensing who was most in pain or most uncomfortable in a room. He’d then make a beeline to that person to engage and encourage them.

            But only those closest knew that he struggled from birth with mental illness, dark holes of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. In spite of America’s best doctors, meds, counselors, and prayers for healing, the torture of mental illness never subsided. Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.

            Kay and I often marveled at his courage to keep moving in spite of relentless pain. I’ll never forget how, many years ago, after another approach had failed to give relief, Matthew said, “Dad, I know I’m going to heaven. Why can’t I just die and end this pain?” but he kept going for another decade.

            Thank you for your love and prayers. We love you back. Pastor Rick

When I started this blog my purpose was partly to educate the church about mental illness....to take the cover off of that dark box and to demonstrate that Christians are not exempt from mental illness. There are those who hold the position that a person who commits suicide will go to hell because that was a sin that was not forgiven. I don't know about you but I commit many sins that escape my prayers of confession. They went unnoticed and God did not call them to my attention so that I may confess them. I ask you, "Will I go to hell because I failed to confess every single sin?" No. God's grace has saved me completely..."To the uttermost"....He has saved me and his blood covers all of my sin. Those who commit suicide are ill and their illness causes them to act in a way that we wish with all our hearts that they would not. God does not condemn those who are afflicted with illness. He understands and he weeps along side us. Scripture says he will not put out a flickering wick or crush a bent reed.

There are some of us, sadly, whose minds and emotions torture them relentlessly. This is not a pain you can "snap out of"...You cannot cheer yourself up. There is no escape. It is a hell that defies description. I know, because I once was in this hell. I attempted to die at my own hands four times and came very very close to succeeding. God prevented me from taking my life. He miraculously saved me. But he doesn't save everyone. He didn't save Matthew. Why is this? I believe it is because he hopes to accomplish something in the fact of his death. 1) He wanted to end Matthew's pain and 2) Perhaps he hoped to teach us who remain a thing or two about his grace, mercy, and the challenges he allows some of us to face.

There are those who suffer from suicidal depression and blackest despair. There are those who love the Lord with their whole heart--who cannot bear the thought of facing tomorrow. There are those who struggle day after day, week after week, with the urge to end their lives. Those of you who have not experienced this pain cannot understand it. The only thing you can do is to understand that you do not understand. Do not pretend to understand. Do not fool yourself into thinking you understand because you've had a bad day or two or because the thought of suicide crossed your mind. This is a different thing entirely. A person with clinical depression takes on the forces of hell daily. All hell is pitted against them urging them to throw in the towel. This is a force that -unless you've experienced it--you can never ever understand. The best way to help such a person is to admit you do not understand. But tell them you do wish you understood. Tell them that you will pray for them and pray with them then and there. Call them up and urge them to accompany you in your day's journey. Let them help you prepare dinner, run errands with you, lay in the sun on your patio. Do anything you can to get them out of the isolation of their homes

Call them. Sit with them...making it clear that there are no demands on them to make conversation or to look happy if they are not. Make them a part of your life. It is not your responsibility to keep them alive. It may be that despite your efforts, they will succumb to suicide. It will not be your fault. But I'm sharing with you the things that some people did for me that helped me. I had a friend who was older than I.. She would take me out daily for a walk in the woods. She let me sit in her kitchen while she prepared dinner. I laid in the sunshine on her deck. I had a pastor who did much the same. He visited me in my apartment and invited me to eat with his family. These people kept me alive until the time that God lightened the load on my heart and let some light enter my dark heart.

Sometimes the darkness returns. I will be honest....even today, in the midst of a struggle at home, I spent several minutes resisting the urge to upend my bottle of pain medicine and swallow them all. I do not think I will ever be completely free of this danger. But I can say truthfully that months go by now without my seriously considering death as a willful option. God has very much lightened my load. And with many prayers and with all of the love and reaching out you may pour upon someone in your life who struggles with depression, the Lord may ease their load too. But he may not. Sometimes people like Matthew, lose the fight. What is needful then is for you to hold your judgmental tongue and love their family. Pour out your love on them for they are walking through a vale of tears that again, is incomprehensible..

Matthew, today right now, you are in the arms of Jesus. Your pain and struggle are over. I pray for the Warren family. I pray for those that knew you. I pray that there will be those who understand the pain of some people in a greater way than they would have without having heard of you and your struggle. Christians are not exempt from mental illness. Suicide touches Christian families. It is our job to walk with them and do all we can to lighten their load. Pray for these people. Love these people.

Guest Post by Author, Esther Lovejoy

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 20:41:00 +0000

The following is a guest post by author, Esther Lovejoy, who currently has a book out on the topic of suffering entitled, The Sweet Side of Suffering If you follow the link at the end of this post it will take you to her blog where you may read more of her writing as well as find information on her book.

The Vain Things
One of the most powerful and well-loved hymns in Christendom is “When I Survey the Wondrous Cross” by Isaac Watts. It’s one of the few to survive the transition from hymnbook to power point as it ministers to a new generation. The words of this great hymn never fail to speak to me – to make me ask myself some serious and important questions.
Recently one of those questions has come as a result of the phrase, “All the vain things that charm me most…” I’ve been asking God to show me those things – to reveal to my heart the vain things that take my time and attention away from Him. And He has done that. My list of vain things may be different from yours, but the answer is still the same – they need to be “sacrificed to His blood” – put in their proper place in our lives in light of Calvary’s sacrifice.
As I get older, I sense the urgency of these days in which we live. There isn’t time to waste on vain things, no matter how much they charm us. When you look up “vain” in the dictionary, you see words like “worthless,” and “useless.” It’s very possible that Isaac Watts had in mind an older definition which implied something foolish or silly. Listen to that line again: All the worthless and useless, the foolish and silly things that hold my attention and affection, I sacrifice them to His blood.
God loves to bring joy into our lives. He loves to see us enjoying this life, and doesn’t expect us to spend every minute of it in church with a pious, somber attitude. But the greatest joys in this life come when we de-clutter and sacrifice “all the vain things” in order to experience those blessings and joys that come from His hand. And how can we not want to do that when we “survey the wondrous cross”

Thank you, Esther for sharing your words and thoughts with us.
http://viewfromthesparrowsnest.com/ - This is Esther's blog.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 12:23:00 +0000

Fatherless by James C. Dobson

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The first time I picked up Fatherless, I read the first couple of chapters and then felt bogged down in the politics of the information involved in setting up the characters and plot. I felt overwhelmed and put the book down. However, I picked it up a few days ago and consumed the 488 page book in two sittings. The plot turned out to be engrossing. It deals with an America half a century from now. An America where the baby boomers are now antiquarians and there are not enough people to care for them or to earn tax dollars to provide for them. This is due to years of abortion and other means of treating life as valueless. It is a frightening book because it is all too possible. It spoke of a world where the elderly are encouraged to choose to "transition"--a form of voluntary suicide--by relatives who are too burdened to care for them any longer. Ironically, those who contributed to the solution of the problem by having children were spurned by such labels as "breeders" and scorned as being radical right wing religious fanatics. This book is the first of a trilogy. The next book is scheduled to be released in October of 2013.

View all my reviews

Unexpected Love

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 23:39:00 +0000

Unexpected Love: God's Heart Revealed in Jesus' Conversations with Women by Julie Zine Coleman

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It's not very often that I get the privilege of reviewing a book written by someone I know. I met Julie several years ago at a Christian Writers' Conference and had the honor of meeting up with her again in subsequent years. The fact that Julie is a student of the Scriptures is apparent in this book. She covers every thread pursuing parallel Scriptures and examples to thoroughly discuss the nine women she selected for this book. She warmly and sympathetically discusses each of these encounters with the Master by the women who knew and loved him. Often throwing a different light on these familiar passages, Julie gives much food for thought. She has a knack for understanding where "Jesus was coming from" in passages where his words may be easily misunderstood as being curt or dismissive, opening the Word and showing us Jesus' loving heart. I know that the Lord looks at Julie with the same love and appreciation he showed for these Scriptural examples....and Julie makes it clear: he looks at you and I with the very same affection.

View all my reviews

"Sharp" Recollection

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 12:30:00 +0000

I'm reading a book by David Fitzpatrick called "Sharp"-about a young Irish Catholic young man who grew up in Southern CT, who shared some of my old stomping grounds when I lived in Westchester County, NY and in New Haven CT. This book is this young man's memoir of his childhood, but mostly of his struggle with mental illness. He was involved for years in self injurious behavior and was hospitalized for numerous, long term psychiatric stays. David was just a little younger than I but I related to many of his musical tastes and the icons he mentions from the seventies and eighties. As I read this book--the story of his breakdown and being put back together--it brings me back, intensely, to the years of my own similar struggles. In fact these reminiscences prompted me to add a chapter to my own memoir manuscript last night. These memories too, kept me awake in the twisted sheets on my bed....memories of my puppy, memories of the years of struggle and the relationships that littered those years.

Finally I fell asleep last night but it was only after some very uncomfortable haunting. It's been a while since I've allowed those past years to haunt me. I used to be constantly haunted by them...the specters of people long gone and places still echoing with the howls of miserable inmates resounding and swirling around in my mind. I think in my own memoir, I could use the reminder of some of those ghosts. It is too easy to tell a story without actually recalling the agony of it....without allowing yourself to be baptized in its misery once again. And this makes the story too sterile --too antiseptic--too wooden and lifeless.

David's story is a bit serpentine. Like a coiled serpent you aren't sure which parts come first and which come later. It coils back on itself and overlaps in slices of time. When an editor/writer friend of mine read "Treasures" she made the same comment...That she was sometimes confused about time and chronology....but she decided (as I did about "Sharp") that this confusion was inherent in the telling of a story where the main character is him or herself confused and reliving constantly times past. It would be impossible to simply start at the beginning and work one's way to the end.

Anyway. I'm not done reading "Sharp"....maybe I'll finish it today. But it has been, although uncomfortable, helpful in the telling of my own story.

Why do we Suffer?

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 16:40:00 +0000

One of my favorite writers, Randy Alcorn, made a video with Christian pastor, Greg Laurie on the topic of suffering. Because I often talk about suffering and because all humans have suffering in common and we often wonder why God allows it, here are a few "quick answers" by one of the leading thinkers on the topic of suffering. Randy wrote the book If God Is Good and it's obvious he has thought a great deal on the topic. Check out this link and hear him speak on the topic of pain and suffering. www.epm.org/resources/2010/Mar/24/why-there-suffering-world-today-video/

Ways I "Keep" my LIfe with a Chronic Disease

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 18:18:00 +0000

I have Psoriatic Arthritis....you know, that disease "that golfer" has. Only I have it a lot worse than he does. I've had 4 hip replacement surgeries and both of my shoulders and both of my elbows need to be replaced. (I'm just holding out until I can't stand the pain anymore). My spine is a train wreck. There are openings in the vertebrae called "Facets" and it is through these openings that the nerves travel. Well, my arthritis is closing up those openings and pinching off those nerves. When I stand for more than a minute, my leg goes completely numb. Not pins and needles. Just completely dead. And I have shooting pains down my arms where nerves in my neck are being pinched and my hands also go numb.

Also I have Psoriatic Spondylitis. Which is just like ankylosing spondylitis except the vertebrae fuse in random order rather than from bottom to top. Already my lumbar back is fused and now I have 3 or 4 fusions in my neck as well.

Pain and fatigue are a huge part of my life. How do I keep from being overtaken by this disease? Well, I try really hard to keep it out of my head. It has taken over my body but it can't have my brain as well!! I really try hard not to become angry or self pitying. This is the path God is leading me on....It is not up to me to reject it or to complain about it. I look for ways in which I can be normal. Recently I've discovered that if I do it for short periods of time, I can knit like I did years ago. Thus far I've made three shawls. This enables me to do something special for people who have blessed me or for the people I love.

I also have learned to do artwork on my computer using a graphics tablet --instead of working with canvases and easels. It is an outlet for my creativity. Granted, a lot of times I'm too tired to consider doing it but I do try to keep my art active. Maybe someday I will have another show....

My kitty keeps me company. She is important in my life....I know she needs me and I need her as well.

I do try to exercise. True, there are days when I have to practically kick my own butt down the basement stairs to my homemade gym. Days like today when I'm hurting and just really DON'T feel like moving. But I've learned, those are the days it's most important for me to move. Usually after 20 minutes, my body is warm and more flexible than it was to start. It's true that I get really really tired really fast. I went to a mall the other day and I was foolish and didn't bring either my rolling walker or my wheelchair. I paid dearly for that error in judgement--but at the same time was kind of proud that I did make it from one end of the mall to the other (with some sit downs in the middle).

I have friends online. I belong to two different support forums for people with RA or PsA and not only do I learn there about the disease, I make friends, get my questions answered and have a place where it's okay to complain. (I try to avoid complaining in all other avenues of my life....although my husband does hear me moaning and groaning at times.)

These are a few of the practical things I do to keep a grip on my life. Sometimes it feels like my life is like trying to hold onto a hand full of sand....It just keeps seeping out between my fingers and falling to the ground. But I do what I can to try to hold on. And sometimes it just means I have to recognize that there's more sand on the floor than in my hand....and out come the broom and dustpan.

My broom and dustpan are my faith in God. It is he that owns my life. It is up to Him what he will do with it. What is up to me is to live it in a way that honors him. God should not be my last hope. He should be my first hope. He should not play clean up. He should play builder. Too often I do all I can in my own strength and when that fails then I call out to God. I'm learning. Slowly but surely I'm learning to call out to him at the beginning of every day for that measure of grace that will get me through that day. He is always willing. I just need to remember to ask.

Alas and Did my Savior Bleed

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 21:19:00 +0000

Alas! and did my Savior bleed
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For sinners such as I?
[originally, For such a worm as I?]

Refrain

At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now I am happy all the day!

Thy body slain, sweet Jesus, Thine—
And bathed in its own blood—
While the firm mark of wrath divine,
His Soul in anguish stood.

Was it for crimes that I had done
He groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity! grace unknown!
And love beyond degree!

Well might the sun in darkness hide
And shut his glories in,
When Christ, the mighty Maker died,
For man the creature’s sin.

Thus might I hide my blushing face
While His dear cross appears,
Dissolve my heart in thankfulness,
And melt my eyes to tears.

But drops of grief can ne’er repay
The debt of love I owe:
Here, Lord, I give my self away
’Tis all that I can do.

I love this hymn....but especially the last two verses. The shame of the cross is MY shame. My face well might blush at the fact that my filthy sin was what necessitated his misery....The impaling of God himself for my lies, rages, and curses. My heart does dissolve in thankfulness and my eyes melt to tears of gratitude that he saw it as necessary to pay for my failure. But those teardrops can never repay my debt....all the gratitude of my bursting heart doesn't begin to pay him back....all I can do; all I have is myself. And I give myself to him.....nothing held back. It's all I have. All I can do.

A Flesh Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Lott Vogel) — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 22:39:00 +0000

I was just thinking of the title of my blog and my book, "Treasures from Darkness." None of us really welcome darkness or heartache into our lives do we? It's the one thing we run from, board our hearts up against. Darkness equals pain. In my life darkness has meant dark, dense depression and it has meant severe, lonely physical pain that has crippled me and kept me from participating in my own life. Darkness to some people means grief or loss. I have not really experienced heart rending loss since my college days when my best friend committed suicide....Not loss of a person, that is. But I have grieved over the loss of my own freedom and independence. I've experienced the loss of the things in life that I most enjoyed.....gone at the hand of illness.

I tend not to really think about heartache. I don't allow myself to really experience grief or sorrow....mostly because in my experience, those things lead to a dark cavern of despair. Sorrow becomes overwhelming pain and a complete loss of hope. So, to avoid falling off of that cliff, I simply have closed my heart to sadness. No sadness allowed. And I recognize that that isn't so very healthy either. I have not cried in as long as I can recall. No, that's not true. I recently cried when my daughter was here. It was because my husband and I were having words and that led to my tears. Martial discord is really the only heartache that I've delved into lately. My heart is guarded against all other types of pain.

But what about the treasure?? What does God want to accomplish in my life as a result of my sorrows? I know he wants me to have more empathy. I confess that I'm not the most sympathetic person. Because I tough things out and because, honestly, my life is very difficult; I do not hold the greatest pity for others who struggle. And I know that that is wrong. My pain should have done at least that. It should have at the very least enabled me to share the heartaches of others....to sympathize in their despair. Sometimes I look at myself and I think, "Cynthia, really!! Look at all these wonderful Christian women who drip sympathy. Who ooze tears and bleed blood along with the hurting people they encounter. Why can I not be like that? " God has got to take a meat tenderizer to my heart. And that would NOT be the most enjoyable experience. Can you imagine?

But I think that my tough soul shelters some very deep rivers of pain. And it is out of FEAR of what I may find there that keeps me from opening my heart to the pain of others. And what does God have to say about that? I have the feeling that he is beckoning me to put on my wader boots. Those hip boots that will keep me dry as we transverse and ford those rivers. He holds out his hand, as he is up to his waist in the river, and says to me "Come." I don't know what I'll find. I don't know if the current will knock my feet out from under me. I don't know if I will discover an empty cold heart. One that has been so hardened to pain that it is one big hunk of scar tissue that will never feel anything again. I don't know if my schizophrenia has closed off those avenues of sorrow to me, if this disease has emptied my soul of all human emotion.

But I know that Jesus wants to baptize me in that river. To dunk me under and bring my soul up - a new life from the bowels of death. I wish I had a tender heart. I wish I had a merciful heart. Maybe when Jesus dips me into the river of pain he will birth in me a heart of flesh. That's what God has promised us right? A heart of flesh. I want mine. I'm standing on the Heart of flesh line. Jesus, break my stone heart and give me one that bleeds.