Jesse James is facing a massive storm of electrical hate today amid allegations that he cheated on super hot Sandra Bullock.

Jesse and I are friends.

Fine.

Jesse and I are e-friends.

Also a lie.

Jesse and I followed each other on Twitter and he agreed to do an article with me on Tremendous News.

Honesty feels better.

So unlike thousands of my friends and family, Jesse was actually nice to me.

Today I will defend him.

Really?  Because that’s a shit storm of anger you’re asking for.

I’m also not that bright.

Let’s get started.

Five reasons we should delay vilifying Jesse James.

1. Claims Aren’t Facts.

The tattooed individual making the claims is doing exactly that.  Making a claim.

There’s no proof yet.  It’s not like Tiger Woods where there was a magical parade of mistresses.

Until there’s something more than a claim, I’m reserving judgement.

Also, the “text message photo” could be from anyone she named Jesse James on her phone.

I have “He Man”, but it’s really just my grandmother.

What?

It makes me feel cool.

2. Why Would He Cheat On Sandra Bullock?

She’s super hot.  Talented.  She seems friendly in interviews.

Did you watch Speed?

It’s the reason why I still take the bus.

(Also, poorness)

3. Everyone Wants Their 15 Minutes.  Especially Webcam Girls.

The Tiger Woods scandal showed mistresses they could have massive celebrity, even if it’s fleeting.

What if Jesse James was talking to this tattoo lady, she wanted more, and Jesse was like “oh no you did-aaant”, snapping his fingers in a triangular fashion?

Then, out of rage, she goes to the press with lies?

It’s just as possible as the other thing.

4. Sandra Bullock Could Have Moved Out And Canceled Her Appearance At The Premiere Just Because Of The Allegations.

That’s what happens when you hear stuff like this.

You get mad.

If ever got a girlfriend and I heard allegations of her cheating on me, I’d be livid.

Even before I investigated.

This might be what Sandra’s doing right now.

OK, you can stop laughing about the idea of me ever having a girlfriend.

Bastards.

5. They Seemed To Have A Good Marriage.

Did you hear her talking to Barbara Walters?  How about her acceptance speech?

It’s possible this is all a massive misunderstanding blown apart by outrageous media.

It’s also possible I’m a complete doofus and don’t know what I’m talking about.

Either way, I’m hoping for the best.

Sandra Bullock is tremendous.

—

Yell at me on Twitter here.

dee@tremendousnews.com

1. You tell your friends you’re going to be an Internet Celebrity.

2. You start a blog, and in the About Me section, you use a picture of yourself in front of a mirror where you can still see the camera.

3. You start a twitter account, and for the profile picture, you use a picture of yourself in front of a mirror where you can still see the camera.

4. You tweet things like “Starbucks fail”, capturing your true feelings on shit nobody cares about.

5. You get three followers.

6. You find a web program that gets you thousands of followers without you doing anything.

7. You tell your friends that you’re now an Internet Celebrity.

8. You change your picture to a professional shot where you angle your head so nobody can see that you’re no looker.

9. You write “Social Media Rockstar” in your Twitter bio.

10. A piece of humanity dies.

11. You call social media conferences and demand that they book you to speak.

12. They offer you no money and insist you buy your own badge.  You agree.  Then add “keynote speaker” to your bio.

13. You attend SXSW.  But not for the music part.  You attend it for the nerd part.

14. You’re not even aware that there was a music part.

15. You write a douchey book on how people can be better at the Internet.

16. You tell people you’re published, but omit “self” before “published”.

17. You start making videos of yourself.

18. Yet another piece of humanity dies.

19. You tell people you’re a producer, but leave off “on YouTube”.

20. You tell your friends that you need an agent because your career is exploding.

21. Your friends tell you to stop talking to them because in reality, they’re just people on the bus that don’t actually know you.

22. Your boss from your real-life job that pays your real-life bills calls and asks you where the fuck you’ve been for the last week.

23. You quit, telling your boss that you’re an Internet Celebrity and no longer need that dead-end job.

24. You quickly become poor.

25. You realize that you can’t pay your bills with YouTube views, retweets and Facebook likes.

–

If you need to preface it with “Internet”, you’re no celebrity.

–

If you’re against social media douchebags, follow me on Twitter here.

dee@tremendousnews.com

There’s a pain you feel when someone unfollows you on Twitter.

Like a breaking up pain.

A quiet dumping.

Ha!

Quiet dumping.

We all feel it.  It’s like that song Everybody Hurts by REM.

Play that in your mind while you read this.

If you’ve just been unfollowed by someone and you’re hurting, I’ll pilot you through the five stages of your hilarious pain.

1. Discovery.

Months ago, Melrose Place’s Lisa Rinna began following me.

Tremendous news, indeed.

When this occurred I went to brag to hundreds of my friends.

Fine.  Just my mom.

What Reena?  Is that your girlfriend?  Where did she follow you to?  Our house?

This is why I don’t tell my mom anything anymore.

I was very excited to send my first tweet that Lisa Rinna would surely see.

Moments after, I refreshed Lisa Rinna’s page.

I was unfollowed.

After one tweet.

This discovery made me realize something.  Even in 140 characters or less, Lisa Rinna can’t stand me.

2. Denial.

Evan Williams, CEO of Twitter also tasted the Tremendous News twitter goods and decided it wasn’t for him.

I know this because I would refresh Evan Williams page each day to make sure he was still following me.

You probably shouldn’t have said that.

That’s where I am emotionally.

There.

One day I realized EW wasn’t following me anymore.  But you know what I did in my mind?

I pretended he still was.

You probably shouldn’t have said that either.

If I don’t believe it happened, it didn’t happen.

3. The Passive-Aggressive Desperate Plea To Be Refollowed Veiled Under A Thin Cloak Of Sarcasm.

Hey, why the unfollow?  Did I hit a nerve with my last tweet lol.

I’ve done this too.

The horrible “lol” at the end just makes it worse.

OK, no thin veil of sarcasm here.

4.  Devastating Insecurity.

People on Twitter all share a common bond.

We’re all insecure messes.

It’s because we’ve been unfollowed.  It makes us unsure.

Hey guys, sorry I tweet too much!

Hey guys, sorry if you’re offended by this Tremendous News article.  He’s such a pig.

We disclaim everything.

And after you’ve been unfollowed, you start to question what you tweet.

Should I tweet the link to Read Write Web or the link to Mashable?  Fuck.  I can’t make another mistake.

You become just a hollow shell of your nerdy self.

Hilarious.

5. Acceptance.

Finally, after some time repairing your emoticons, you realize you don’t give a shit.

You were unfollowed.

You’ll be unfollowed again.

But there’s always new people who will buy into you.  Who will want to discover your electrical body.

It’s like a train.  People will get off, people will get on.  But you just have to keep moving forward.

Keep tweeting Tremendous News articles.

Like that?

I’m shameless.

–

There you have it.  The five stages of pain after being unfollowed.  Send this to anyone who is coping with the hurt.

Or, unfollow someone and then send this article to them.

That’s balls.

You can follow me and then immediately unfollow me on Twitter here.

It’s okay.

I can take a quiet dumping.

dee@tremendousnews.com

When I was a kid, my mom told me not to talk to strangers.

Even if they offered me candy.

Strangers might offer you chocolate my mom would say.  Just to get you to go with them.

I was a fat kid.  I would totally go with them.

Then they’ll kill you.

And there’s the rub.

We were paranoid back in those days.  Not anymore.

Now with Facebook and Twitter, we’re just handing away information.

Before you do, read this.  I’m going to scare your ass more than that one episode of Diff’rent Strokes where they get kidnapped.

Remember that one?  It had a warning before it started!

Here’s yours.

Five things you just can’t share online.

1. Your Location.

For some outrageous reason, it’s now cool to share your exact location.  People check into FourSquare to share their GPS coordinates with their psychotic Internet friends.

This means that overnight, women started telling random strangers where they are.

Yet when I ask them for this information, I’m the one that’s weird.

2. What Your Plans Are.

Hey you guys!  Just going to Jack Astors on Front Street with Paul and John from work!  Fun!

Then you link to Paul and John’s profiles to feed them to the psychopaths.

What do you want from telling us this?

Do you want random Internet people to emerge from their dank caverns and just randomly show up at Jack Astors on Front Street?

Yeah.

Because that sounds like a party.

3. Pictures Of Your Kids.

If you have little kids, the worst thing you can do is share pictures of them on the Internet.

When I was young, my mom would hide me from this cock-eyed old man with a limp who worked at Food City.  She would tell me to stay in the shopping cart.

Which wasn’t hard because I would actually be stuck in the shopping cart until my mom pried my fatness from the metal.

On the Internet, there are thousands of cock-eyed old men with limps.

You really want them looking at your kids?

And I mean young kids, not your 30 year old son who still lives with you.

Oh dear god.  I’m three months away from being a throw-away blog joke.

4. Your Password Hints.

Nobody’s dumb enough to give away their password.  But we’re all dumb enough to give away our password hints.

Like me, for example.

I clearly like boobs.

So if you tried to hack into my password, you could answer the questions easily.

What was your first pet’s name?

Boober.

What is your favorite song?

Boob Anthem.

And slowly piece together my password, 123Boobs.

The lesson is, be smarter than me.

5. Trash-Talk About Your Boss.

Or co-worker.

Or anybody.

Telling Facebook and Twitter doesn’t make it any less real.

They still know you called them a douchebag.

You hear that Mark from Ohio?

I’m a human boy with real emoticons.

–

There you have it.  Use these rules and maybe you won’t get violated in a Home Depot parking lot.

Unless you want to get violated in a Home Depot parking lot.

I attract very odd readers.

You can verbally assault me on Twitter here.

And if you offer me chocolate, I’ll go anywhere you want.

Question: What are some tweets/status updates you’ve seen that should never have been posted?

dee@tremendousnews.com

Oscar night for me is like Superbowl night for real men.

Or for women who are more manly than I.

Of which there are a lot of.

Hilarious.

If you didn’t watch the Oscars last night, I will briefly summarize the experience for you by compiling five of the creepiest moments.

1. Mo’nique Over-Thanking Her Husband As He Stared At Her Like He Gave Birth To Her.

I know Mo’nique was brilliant in Precious, but really.

Do you have to thank your husband that much?  Every second with the I want to thank my husband.

And then he just sits there, staring at her, blinking.

Bizarre.

Mo'nique's Husband/Creator.

2. Ben Stiller Going A Real Long Way For An Avatar Joke.

Imagine searching for a laugh within a weak premise.

Now imagine doing it in full Avatar makeup and costume.

That’s what this was like.  I heard Sacha Baron Cohen bailed out on this sketch a few days before the ceremony.

I wonder why.

Stiller presses on as Cohen laughs in the background.

3. The How Old Is Miley Cyrus Again?  Because She Looks Pretty Ho– Wait-That’s-Gross Moment.

This is cringe-inducing mostly for me, because I’m 29, fat, unemployed and still live with my parents.  But Miley did look pretty tremendous last night.

I am now a fan of whatever it is she does.

Music?

I’m going with music.

Ladies? How much do you want this.

4. You Can Totally Tell Macaulay Culkin Is Pissed That Every Time He’s Anywhere, He Has To Reference Himself In Home Alone.

He’ll be sixty-five years old at a comic book convention in Seguin, TX and have people ask him to do the after-shave “ahhhh” scene.

And why not?

That movie was the shit.

5. Did Someone Just Kanye That Dude?

There was a moment during the Oscars where this guy was accepting an award.  I think it was for best documentary short, or as I like to call it, The You Can Flip To Family Guy While Eating Cheese Cubes Because Nobody Cares About This Award Award.

Only I didn’t.

And I was rewarded.

This one dude accepted his Oscar, started his speech and then was totally Kanye’d by this old chick who took over the mic! It was awesome because I thought she was just a random fan or something.

I went upstairs to tell my mom to turn it on because this chick is stealing an Oscar. I found out later she was actually a producer on the movie that didn’t get along with the original dude.

So, a half-Kanye.

–

There you go.

Now you don’t have to watch the Oscars.

You can unfollow me on Twitter for hinting that Miley Cyrus is attractive here.

Until next year.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Ever since English was invented, there’s been a swath of phrases that annoy everyone.

Like that?

Swath?

I read books now.

I asked my tiny friends on Facebook for suggestions on some of their most hated phrases.  They gave me well over 70.

I’m going to trim it down to 10 of the most vile.

If you use any of these, stop immediately.

1. Peeps.

The term ‘peeps’ was cool when people were ‘getting jiggy with it.’

Or when people were not, in fact, ready for her jelly.

But we’ve evolved.

And we’re not your peeps.

2. Just Sayin’

People think that affixing this to the end of their comment dilutes the blunt impact of their horrible opinions.

Sorry but if  the Indians who own Foxwoods Casino are so pissed at America, why don’t they just go back to whatever country they came from.  #justsayin

3. That’s What She Said.

This phrase is used when someone empties their bottom drawer of comedy.  Here.  I’ll set one up.

Doing this is really really hard.

If you just said “that’s what she said” out loud, you’re part of the problem.

4. Totes.

Sometimes annoying phrases transform into even more annoying phrases, leaving us in complete awe of their annoyingness.

Remember “Totally”?

Yeah.  That’s now “totes”.

God help us all.

5. Personal Brand.

My older cousin used to lock the doors of his Chevy Corsica and drop alarming farts that I’d have to breathe in while crying.

That was his personal brand.

6. Epic.

When the Hobbits had to return the ring to Mordor?  That shit was epic.

The taquito you just bought from 7-11?

Not so much.

7. kthxbai

I’m not sure where this originated, but it smells like LOLCats to me.

If you’re a long-time reader of TN, you know how devastating I think LOLCats are.

A human using lolcat terminology in day-to-day conversation.

That would break me.

8. Let’s Connect.

Nobody can say email me sometime or add me to Facebook.

They have to say “let’s connect”.

Just be honest.

Let’s connect on Facebook so I can creepily comb through the bikini pictures of your trip to Cancun.

9.  It Is What It Is.

Imagine you’re up on trial for bitch-slapping a manatee.

Your lawyer defends you by saying Your honor, my client did not, at any point, harm a manatee.

And then the judge is like But we have video evidence.

And your lawyer shrugs and says Well, alright.  It is what it is.

Do you want that to happen?

Do you?

Stop saying this phrase.

10. I Heart You.

Heart is five letters.

“Love” is four.

You’re putting in more effort to make something sound worse.

–

I know some of you are saying I have more to add to this list.

Feel free to leave a phrase or term that annoys you in the comment section.

I also know some of you use these phrases and want to call me ‘pretentious’  for making a list that shits on you.

Hilarious.

If you want to send me direct hate, you can follow me on Twitter here.

Or connect with my personal brand here.

Just don’t call me your peep.

dee@tremendousnews.com

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The Olympics are being hosted on the same part of the planet I’m stepping on right now.

Canada.

In tribute to this, I’ve decided to honour my nation’s people the only way I know how.

By totally making fun of them.

If you’re not Canadian, you might know a Canadian or someone you highly suspect of being Canadian. Here are fifteen signs to know if you’re talking to one.

1. We Are Completely Comfortable With The Term “Homo Milk”.

In Canada, this is an acceptable type of milk.  I remember when someone asked my mom what type of milk she gave me as a child.  I braced myself for a devastating mental image.

He loves homo.

Thanks, mom.

Because that’s not confusing.

2. We Correct You When You Say “Soda”.

We’ll say, “you mean pop?”.  And then creepily stare at you until you call it ‘pop’.

3. We Are Offended When You Ask Us If We Know A Friend Of Yours Who, Coincidentally, Also Lives In Canada.

You’re from Canada?  Do you know my friend Tom?  He lives in Canada too.

Ever since Canada was invented, we’ve been asked this question.  The American soldiers did this during the War of 1812.

Good war, dude.  Good war.  I think my buddy Jacques lives up in Canada.  Vancouver or some shit.  Tall guy, eyepiece?  You probably know him.

4. We Don’t Think “Legalizing Marijuana” Is A Debate.

I’ve never met a Canadian with another view on it.

Or I might have, but I was watching Garfield 2 while eating cookie dough.

Odie’s a bad ass.

5. We’ve All Rolled Up The Rim To Win.

Ask any Canadian you know if they’ve ‘rolled up the rim’.

They’ll say yes.

It’s not naughty.  It’s way lamer than that.  It’s a contest that a coffee shop ..

Actually fuck it.

It’s naughty.

6. We’ve Been Jealous Of Someone Else’s Toboggan.

A ‘toboggan’ is a nice wooden snow sled.

When I grew up, I had to go sledding using the lid of a garbage can.

So maybe this one’s just for me.

7. We Think ‘Beaver Tail’ Is Delicious.

A beaver tail is a pastry, covered in syrup, ice cream, cream, and some fruit that we pick off it because it’s all gross and healthy.

8. Our Parents Have Tied Our Mittens Together With A String So We Don’t Lose Them.

My mom would tie my “wool gloves” together and put them through my winter jacket so I didn’t lose them.

This seemed like a good idea.

But since they were pink and I was a freaking boy, mom I doubt they’d go unnoticed.

9. We Were Raised, In Part, By Mr. Dressup.

I’m twenty-nine, so this might not be true of older Canadians.  Or like, super hot college chicks who think I’m all old and gross now because they don’t know who Mr Dressup is.

Mr Dressup sawed through the hearts of many Canadian kids.

10. We Grow Playoff Beards.  (Not The Women)  (Hopefully)

During hockey playoffs, players will not shave.  So when they win the Stanley Cup, it looks like Hamas is playing for the New Jersey Devils.

For some bizarre reason, some fans who support the team, decide to grow beards too.

Don’t ask.

I look like I’m in Hamas even in the off season.

11. We Are Angry That We Can’t Watch The Same Commercials As Americans During The Superbowl.

Instead of the cool commercials everyone talks about, we get “Tom Ford’s Nissan Dealership, Now Open In Bolton”.

Your name’s Tom Ford, douchebag.

Pick the right car company.

12. We Know Where To Get Good Poutine.

Because it is the nectar of our people.

–

For the last three, I asked some friends of Tremendous News for help.  Here they are.

13. When We Hear “In The Five-hole” And “Spending Some Time In The Box”, We Don’t Think Dirty.

It’s hockey.  It’s pure.  It’s our game.

Alex Ruiz, Calgary Flames TV.

14. We Give Directions Using Liquor Stores And Beer Stores As Geographical Benchmarks.

Ok, you know the beer store at Jane and Dundas? Go east until you get to the liquor store then take a right.

Jeff Marek, Hockey Night In Canada Radio.

15. Canadians Never Think Anywhere Is Cold Outside Of Canada

Whaaaa? This isn’t cold. Winter of ‘94, my eyelids froze shut, and I still walked to school.

Nia Vardalos, Actress, Screenwriter, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, My Life In Ruins

–

There you have it.

Send this to a Canadian friend to see how many of these things they can relate to.

You can follow me on Twitter here.  Let me know if you have any friends in Canada.

I was probably jealous of their toboggans.

dee@tremendousnews.com

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I’m not smooth in real life.

I know.

Shocking.

I’ve been called “socially awkward”, “a little weird”, “creepy and gross.”

Mostly the last thing.

Which is why I’ve retreated to the darkness of my parents basement to write articles on Twitter.

Due to my un-smoothyness, I try not to interact with anyone on Twitter.  I look at the people following me as make-believe.

Like the Care Bears.

You guys are all the Care Bears.

Which is good, because I’ve made some horrible mistakes.  I’m going to share seven of the most embarrassing.  Perhaps I’m not alone.

1. Sending Out A Tweet That Was Supposed To Be A DM.

I tried to privately send a DM message to one of my electrical friends.

Glenn, you see Alyssa Milano’s new profile pic?  That chick’s bangin’ hot. eeet!  eeet!

Tweet sent.

Only not just to Glenn.  To everyone that follows me.

So now people know I’m like totally checking out Alyssa Milano behind Alyssa Milano’s back.

I use the term “eet eet”.

And I’m friends with a guy named Glenn.

Glenn.

Devastating.

2. Asking Your Followers To Send You A Message If They Want You To Follow Them Back.

I see this all the time.

Someone will write “@reply me if you want me to follow you back.”

I mean, I guess that’s nice.  But imagine you’re the person who has to send that horrible message.

It appears you’re not following me.  Can you please follow me back?

What that really means is.

It appears I’m Twitter’s social leper.  You clearly had an opportunity to follow me, but elected not to.  So now I will publicly beg for your friendship.

3. Answering Every Question A Celebrity Asks.

I follow this one girl who sits there and answers every question Kim Kardashian asks.

Even the rhetorical ones.

And because I’m hilariously unemployed, I will read her entire page.  And then I realize something.

Kim Kardashian is this individual’s imaginary friend.

How tremendous.

Some questions stand alone.

4.  Clicking On DM Spam.

Is this u in this vid?  Click here.

Then you click it.

Really?

How many videos have you done in your life, crazy pants?

How many videos have you done that you think would be sent to you via DM on Twitter by someone you don’t really know.

5. Asking For More Followers.

Hey guys, trying to get to 1000 followers by midnight.  Please RT!

Hilarious.

Let’s translate that.

Hey guys, I bring absolutely nothing to the table.  But follow me so I can get to an arbitrary number.  Thanks you guys!

6. Asking A Girl For A Twitpic Of Herself When Your W Key Is Broken.

This might just be me.

7. The “Oh Shit” Tweet.

There’s this breathtaking event that happens on Twitter.  Someone you follow sends a tweet and you can only say “oh shit”.

juss got back from the clinic, peeps.  burning shud stop in a few weeks.

mah boobs are itchy. lmaoz!

anyone in the greater orlando area got any crack?  please RT

Thanks for that.

People think Twitter’s a friend they can confide in.  It’s not.

Not your friend.

Twitter’s a big douchebag that remembers everything and will throw it in your face when you’re at your most vulnerable.

You think Itchy Boobs rocketing up the corporate ladder?

Exactly.

–

There you have it.  Let me know if you’ve done any of these things, or see me do them live on Twitter here.

And if your name is Glenn, I’m sorry.

The last thing anyone needs is a bunch of angry Glenns.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Nothing could be more hilarious.

Nobody wants to believe that they’re part of a fad.

It’s this weird thing about us. Humans. We feel like if we’re part of something that was wildly popular for a fleeting moment, we just got suckered.

Cuckolded.

And I’ll be damned if I get cuckolded again.

But you might be part of a fad. Facebook, Twitter, they could be fads. That hilariously demented naughty site you go on when your parents aren’t home? Possibly a fad.

Although let’s hope not.

The Internet is about right now.

Right now we want to read short electrical messages from Ashton Kutcher. Right now we want to view tagged photos of chicks who rejected us but still allowed us to add them to Facebook. Right now we want to play Mafia Wars.

Fine.

Some of us are just assholes.

But whatever we want right now, changes tomorrow. Think about the fallen Internet heroes of yesterday.

The days when Yahoo was the shit.

Ha!

Yahoo.

Prodigy Online. CompuServ. Friendster. Hell, even MySpace.

We wanted them. Used them. Sucked the fun out of them. Then discarded them.

And we’ll do it again.

Tomorrow, if someone douchier than me starts “waymoretremendousnews.com”, and he writes about stuff you actually care about, I’m done.

I’ll probably have to move back with my parents and—

Well something bad will happen.

The point is, I know this. I’m ready for it. And I can point out the signs.

Here they are. The five signs you’re part of an Internet fad.

1. People Are Way Too Into It.

Internet fads are started by what I call the nerdy douche. These people live and breathe the phenomenon so much, it’s alarming. They’re the ones with the T shirts they get custom-printed to announce to the world how much they enjoy the current fad.

This is because without the current fad, nobody talks to these people.

But now that they’re Internet stars, they can wear a T shirt, take a picture of it and use it for their avatar.

Yes.

Because that’s what we need.

2. People Are Scared When Something Else Comes Out.

When Google Buzz came out and people called it the “Twitter Killer”, thousands of people on Twitter grew frightened. If Buzz actually killed Twitter, all of those days they spent getting super hot spambot followers would be wasted.

Tons of people on Twitter secretly hope Google Buzz will fail.

And the rest are buying Buzz T Shirts and taking pictures of themselves for their avatars.

I told you.

It’s how it starts.

3. The Spam Surprises You With Its Creativity.

Internet fads end when the service loses its epic battle against spam. It happened to Friendster when webcam chicks became so overpowering that you either had to shut down your Friendster account or have your seventeenth private cam show with Roxy from Vegas.

I think I put Roxy’s kids through college.

Facebook and Twitter are doing a better job at battling back. But the spambots improvise. They start to learn the weaknesses, and become even more super hot.

Right now the webcam chicks, teeth whiteners and affiliate marketers are held at bay. But as soon as they call for Nigerian banker back-up, it’s over.

4. It’s Called A “Game-Changer.”

When a social media “expert” is calling your service a game changer on his horrible weekly podcast nobody watches, look out.

It’s the death wish.

5. It Becomes Corporate.

Facebook and Twitter were started by regular people. It wasn’t a company launching a new service. It was some nerdy dudes who probably argued about which “CSS syle sheet” to use at a Starbucks in San Mateo.

That’s what made it cool.

But when corporations take over, and I mean fully over, it feels hollow.

You need to know that the people running your service are just as dumb as you are. It’s what makes it real.

–

There you have it. The signs you might be part of an Internet fad.

You can send me your short, electrical hate on Twitter here.

Especially if you’re wearing a custom-made T shirt in your profile picture.

Because that’s just hilarious.

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Question for my hurtful commenters: Do you think Facebook and/or Twitter are ‘fads’?  Also, are any of you super hot chicks that want me to like, do stuff to you?

Actor-director-screenwriter-fat person Kevin Smith was recently asked to de-plane a Southwest flight recently because he was deemed “too fat” to fly.

Outrageous.

When I read this news, I was coincidentally feeding myself.  I looked up from my third hot pocket and yelled outrageous with cheese strands hanging off my chins.

I know.  I know.

I’m all gross.

My mom ran down the stairs and said children shouldn’t yell at the television.  You scared me.

And I said mom, this fatso just got kicked off a plane because he’s too fat.  That’s so wrong.

And then she said see?  Now maybe you’ll learn to lose weight.  And then you don’t have to worry.

Screw that noise.

Even if I’m alarmingly doughy, I should not be humiliated by a company and sent off a plane.

When Southwest airlines did that to Kevin Smith, they did it to me.

They did it to hundreds of thousands of fat people across the world.

They harpooned us all with the poking-stick of humiliation.

And Kevin Smith stuck it right back.

He leveraged the power of Twitter and unleashed a fury on Southwest like no other.  He bent them over and social media’d their ass until they finally apologized.  This is a victory.  A victory for all of us.

And if you’re of the camp that Southwest shouldn’t apologize.  Fat people on airlines infringe on my rights because they pour over into my seat and I have to be uncomfortable.

Wake up, man.

It’s not easy carrying weight.  It’s not easy having people look at you and go gross. Fat people try to suck it in on a plane as well.  You have to buy two seats now.  And I’m single.  Every time I travel, it’s like I’m taking an imaginary girlfriend around.

You know how sad that is?

Just consider what Kevin Smith did.  Be proud of him speaking out against a company.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

This hot pocket isn’t going to eat itself.