2. Home Alone

3. Saving Private Ryan

4. Gladiator

5. Dumb and Dumber

6. The Sixth Sense

7. The Lion King

8. Back To The Future

9. Lord Of The Rings

10. Avatar

Follow me on twitter here.

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The world of Facebook is divided in ten.

Ten types of personalities.  Ten distinct characters.

And  guess what?

You’re one of them.

Or maybe not.  I can’t do every type.  That would take hours to write and you’ll zone out into a coma mid-way and go who’s this fat blogger dude again?  Remind me to send a picture of my package to him.

In my mind all of you are Anthony Weiner.

You’re my Ant Weiners.

That?

That made me smile.

Let’s get to it.  The ten types of Facebook friends.

1. The Girl Who Never Gets Your/You’re Right.  Ever.

Just once you want to see a post from her where she just nails it.  Will she today when she tells her friend Cindy your my girl 4ever bitch! ?

Nope.

This girl also has a mortal enemy.  The Guy Who Always Corrects Her.  That guy is so anal retentive a small part of him dies every time she posts.

But he still wants to totally do her.

What?

He’s a guy.

Grammar isn't paramount for this individual.

2.  The People Who Post Inspiring Quotes They Somehow Hope Will Reflect Well On Them.

Why craft an original thought when you can CTRL-V Gandhi.  Although this might be good because if they’re not quoting Martin Luther King or Mark Twain, they’re writing your my girl 4ever bitch!

3. The People Who Claim They’re Never On Facebook Yet Know Everything Everyone Is Doing.

If you ask these people if they’ve been on Facebook lately they’ll tell you how long it’s been since they logged in because they’re so busy.

Then they’ll ask if you’ve seen how crappy a high school friend looks in a bikini.

Wait, you ran into Kara?

Uh, yeah!  Yesterday.

And she was wearing a bikini?

Yeah.  She’s a huge lardy-butt now.

But it’s January.  And we live in Canada.

4. The Guy Who Reports Every Location He’s Visited That Day.

Have you ever written this status update?

Just checked into the Starbucks at Crescent Heights and Pico.  Yummers!

Yes?

People have used it to avoid going to the Starbucks at Crescent Heights and Pico.

Because you say yummers.

Nice and tranquil? Guess again. Taken on-field during a Bears game.

5. The Guy Who Thinks Everyone’s An Idiot Except Himself.

Seriously.  Why are people such idiots.

Has anyone learned how to DRIVE in this city?

Meanwhile this person is updating Facebook while driving over a blind lady from Wyoming.

Finally.

I worked Wyoming into something.

6. The Girl Who Thinks She’s A Celebrity But Really, She Works At Lowes.

Every post is a recent modelling shot.  Also, she’ll name drop everyone she knows to let you know she’s at the cusp of making it.

Yet on Saturday you saw her at work and asked what aisle the DeWalt 3/4″ drill bits are.

Fine.

I had to look that up.

Just once, can’t I feel like a real man?

7. The Girl Who Gives Us Too Much Information.

I had a Facebook friend who once removed a cast she had on her leg for six weeks and posted:

My foot smells RIPE!

What.

What am I supposed to do with that.

8.  The Guy Who Pokes You Thinking It Will Lead To Sex.

Ladies, guys like this exist.  They’ll send you a harmless fun little poke and if you poke back they feel coitus is consensual.

Like that?

Coitus.

I’m smart!

Speaking of coitus!

9. ‘The People You May Know’ Guy.

You really shouldn’t have added this guy but you saw his lonely face in your ‘People You May Know’ window and felt bad.

You know who Betty White has in her ‘People You May Know’ window?

Pilgrims.

Are you workshopping material on your blog?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

But good, right?

10. The Guy Who Will Add Your Friends Even Though He Doesn’t Know Them.

You met him through a friend, added him.  You had one mutual friend.

Now you have 36.  One of them is your mom.

And he’s poking her.

–

There you have it.  I may have left out a few including douchebag writer who writes blog posts about Facebook friends.

Maybe you can think of some more.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to use my Betty White pilgrim joke on people who actually like my jokes.

Facebook?  Add my moobs here.

I'm betting she says 'epic'

Ever since English was invented, there’s been a swath of phrases that annoy everyone.

Like that?

Swath?

I read books now.

I asked my tiny friends on Facebook for suggestions on some of their most hated phrases.  They gave me well over 70.

I’m going to trim it down to 10 of the most vile.

If you use any of these, stop immediately.

1. Peeps.

The term ‘peeps’ was cool when people were ‘getting jiggy with it.’

Or when people were not, in fact, ready for her jelly.

But we’ve evolved.

And we’re not your peeps.

2. Just Sayin’

People think that affixing this to the end of their comment dilutes the blunt impact of their horrible opinions.

Sorry but if  the Indians who own Foxwoods Casino are so pissed at America, why don’t they just go back to whatever country they came from.  #justsayin

3. That’s What She Said.

This phrase is used when someone empties their bottom drawer of comedy.  Here.  I’ll set one up.

Doing this is really really hard.

If you just said “that’s what she said” out loud, you’re part of the problem.

4. Totes.

Sometimes annoying phrases transform into even more annoying phrases, leaving us in complete awe of their annoyingness.

Remember “Totally”?

Yeah.  That’s now “totes”.

God help us all.

5. Personal Brand.

My older cousin used to lock the doors of his Chevy Corsica and drop alarming farts that I’d have to breathe in while crying.

That was his personal brand.

6. Epic.

When the Hobbits had to return the ring to Mordor?  That shit was epic.

The taquito you just bought from 7-11?

Not so much.

7. kthxbai

I’m not sure where this originated, but it smells like LOLCats to me.

If you’re a long-time reader of TN, you know how devastating I think LOLCats are.

A human using lolcat terminology in day-to-day conversation.

That would break me.

8. Let’s Connect.

Nobody can say email me sometime or add me to Facebook.

They have to say “let’s connect”.

Just be honest.

Let’s connect on Facebook so I can creepily comb through the bikini pictures of your trip to Cancun.

9.  It Is What It Is.

Imagine you’re up on trial for bitch-slapping a manatee.

Your lawyer defends you by saying Your honor, my client did not, at any point, harm a manatee.

And then the judge is like But we have video evidence.

And your lawyer shrugs and says Well, alright.  It is what it is.

Do you want that to happen?

Do you?

Stop saying this phrase.

10. I Heart You.

Heart is five letters.

“Love” is four.

You’re putting in more effort to make something sound worse.

–

I know some of you are saying I have more to add to this list.

Feel free to leave a phrase or term that annoys you in the comment section.

I also know some of you use these phrases and want to call me ‘pretentious’  for making a list that shits on you.

Hilarious.

If you want to send me direct hate, you can follow me on Twitter here.

Just don’t call me your peep.

dee@tremendousnews.com

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This is actually how creepy you are.

Right now, you probably think you’re normal.

Nice.

Decent.

Human.

Ha!

Hilarious.

I know you.  Beneath your cheery smile is dark nerdy evil.  And your satanic lord is Facebook.  Once you log on, you can’t resist yourself.  You stalk people.

Possibly while nude.

If you don’t believe me, read the signs below.  If you do any of these things, you have a problem.

1. You Know When People Use Facebook.

Your friend Sarah logs onto Facebook at around 9:30am.  Then again around 5pm.

How do you know this?  Because you’ve observed and recognized that she updates at these times.

That means, somewhere in your brain, you have registered Sarah’s Facebook Usage-Times, and forgot something else that was totally important.

Like your PIN.

Just use 123Boobs.

It’s worked for me since ‘98.

2. You Know You Weren’t Invited Somewhere Because You Saw The Pictures.

There’s nothing more painful than not being invited somewhere.

Wait.

Not being invited somewhere, then being affronted with the pictures of people having a great time without you to ruin it for them.

That’s more painful.

These people are celebrating your powerful absence.

3. You Know Where People Work Without Even Asking Them.

Hey how’s the job at TD bank?

Did I tell you- I never told you I worked there.

Really?  Weird.  I wonder how I knew that.  And the fact that you had a company retreat last weekend in Muskoka.

Why are you nude right now?

Just because.

4. You Know Someone’s Not In A Relationship Anymore Because They Removed All Pictures Of Themselves With ‘Him’

Screw the relationship status, she removed all the pictures of her and that douchebag.

Congrats!

You don’t have to cut yourself anymo-

As much.

It could be you disappointing her in bed.

5. If Someone Quits Facebook, You Panic And Believe They Blocked You.

The instant you realize someone’s no longer your friend, you lose your shit.

Hi Samantha, I’m Dee.  You don’t really know me, but I added you through the “People You May Know Window” on Facebook because you looked hot.

Why are you at my work?

Did you block me on Facebook, Samantha?

How did you even pass security.

Because if you did, I’ll cut myself.

Why are you nude?

6. You’ve Been 50 Pictures In On An Album Of A Friend-of-A-Friend.

If you’re in an album for fifteen minutes and don’t know anyone in the pictures, congratulations!   You’ve reached the apex of creepynessdom.

7. You Poke Someone You Don’t Know That Well, Hoping It Will Lead to Intercourse.

Update: Samantha hasn’t poked me back yet.

8. Blocking You Only Makes You Stronger.

Putting you on Limited Profile is just another way of her saying she loves you.

9. You Admit To Being A Facebook Stalker, But Stop Short Of Admitting To How Alarming You Really Are.

It’s always hilarious to be at a party and say I don’t care, I’ll admit that I’m a Facebook stalker!

And then you giggle.  And other people giggle.

A lot of giggling.

But inside, deep inside, you don’t tell them the nights you’ve stalked them. The clothing they own that you’ve memorized.  The way you’ve judged their past lovers.  The pain of knowing you cannot stop.

The dark, horrible reality that you have a real problem.

But yeah.

Giggle some more.

That’ll cover it up.

If Neil Young ever does a social media version of The Needle and The Damage Done, you can finally relate.

10. You Actually Found This Article WHILE Stalking.

If you found this article posted on the Facebook wall of a person you’re stalking, holy shit!

You can see the matrix.

–

There you have it.

If you want to Facebook stalk me, feel free by clicking here.

Go ahead.

I’m already nude.

Email: dee@tremendousnews.com

Images donated by ShutterStock (because I’m super poor)

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A common scene in my life. (Except with way fatter chicks)

Have you ever been blocked by someone on Facebook or Twitter?

Don’t answer.

That was rhetorical, dopey.

You’ve been blocked.

There’s been a point in time where someone evaluated your contribution to their world and said:

Pass.

Then they ensured they would never ever see you again by removing you completely from their lives.

Hilarious.

Here’s five signs you’re about to be blocked.

1. Someone Asks You “How Do You Find The Time To Update So Much”?

This is a key phrase.

How do you find the time.

It means people are getting tired of your constant Facebook posts about your ass itching.  Or your tweets about your pee hurting.  Or your FourSquare check-in to an STD clinic.

Those together?

Probably bad.

2. You’ve Been Put On Limited Profile On Facebook.

The first step to Facebook blocking is the limited profile.

You always got to see hot pictures of her in super tiny bikinis and then one day, boom.

She likes True Blood.

That’s all her profile says.

I know.

What are we supposed to do with that?

No way, you like VAMPIRES? You're so complex and layered.

3.  People Who RTed You Blindly Don’t Anymore.

You know those people who RT any random shit you say?

I like cheese.

Boom.

RTed by 4 people.

People all over Twitter now know some fat hairy blogger likes cheese.

If they stop RTing that I like cheese or my cheese-related activities, it means other people are really getting sick of me.

These people are my nerdy barometer.

I don’t know what a barometer is.

I just heard someone use that once.

4. You Find Yourself Trying Harder To Please People.

People on Twitter and Facebook try their hardest to prove that they’re intelligent, smart and charming.

That sounds exhausting.

I, on the other hand, have proven I’m an incredible shithead.

It can only go up from here.

Actually, it’s gone down, but whatever.

If you’re sitting there overthinking, over-tweeting, over-poking, you’ve lost it.

It’s like that dude who tries really hard to win a chick over and then realizes she doesn’t return his feelings via court restraining order.

Thanks Sarah from Queens.

Because that was what I needed.

This is Sarah from Queens, or as I like to whisper on the phone while breathing heavily, "my spirit bride"

5. When You Realize Someone Has Unfollowed Or De-friended You, You Try To Contact Them To Find Out Why.

There is nothing more painful than watching someone find out why they’ve been left.

It’s a key sign that you’ll be left again.

Hey Mike!  How are you bud?  lol  Just noticed you deleted me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Twitter!  lol!  Wondering if I did anything wrong?!  lmao.

Those creepy lols just make things worse.

–

There you have it.  If you’ve identified with these signs, you’re probably blocked by hundreds of people right now.

Don’t worry.

It’s better than a restraining order.

Orders.

(Plural)

–

Follow me and then immediately block me on Twitter here.

Images donated by shutterstock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

There’s a small group of words in the English language that everyone dislikes.  If the English language were a party, these words would be the guys with fake tans and Affliction t-shirts.

Listening to techno.

Beating up fat guys with bladder problems.

Shit.

I’ve made it personal.

Let’s get started.

1. Moist.

Even if you’re talking about your cake, don’t use it.  Because after you say it, nobody wants to eat your cake.

2. Secrete.

This is Moist’s little brother.  Nothing that’s good is secreting. Bad shit secretes.

3. Foodie.

Especially if it’s self-proclaimed.  Like, “I’m such a foodie!  I’m looking for other foodies so we can talk about food!”    Next time just say: “I’m a virgin”

4. Panties.

I am guilty of using this one.  Every time I say it, people flee in horror.  Or more specifically, ask me why I’m whispering, then flee in horror.

5. Country.  Without the ‘ree’.

This is like kryptonite to women.  Actually, they’re hurt by it briefly, then they come at you with the strength of a thousand suns.  Get ready to be secreting something afterward.

6. Spunk.

Saying someone ‘has a lot of spunk’ doesn’t mean what you think it means.

7. Canoodling.

Celebrities avoid paparazzi not because of the damaging photos, but because they know some dopey tabloid writer is going to use this word.

This couple is canoodling so hard right now.

8. Gastropub.

Really.  You’re going to include gas in your restaurant title.

9. Coitus.

If you call your sex ‘coitus’, you’re probably not having a lot of it.

10. Douche.

This word has been used to death.  By me.  Mostly by me.  It’s gross now.

11. Gubernatorial.

I don’t know what it means.  But you know what?  I’m OK with that.

12. Minge.

Nothing can de-hottify a woman’s private region like this word.

13. Leverage.

If someone is trying to teach you something and they use the word leverage, it’s officially OK to call them a minge.

If they use this clipart, they're going to say 'leverage'.

14. Staycation.

You stayed home on your vacation?  And the only word you could think of during all that time was this?

15. Dollop.

There has to be a better way to describe that unit of measurement.

Ha!

Unit.

16. Discharge.

If it’s heard at a shooting range?  Fine.  In a doctor’s office?  Not so fine.

17. Smegma.

Before you know what it means, it’s not so bad.  After, it could be number one.

18. Girthy.

Even if it’s a good attribute to have, it’s just off-putting to hear.

19. Fecal.

Really?  I need to explain?

–

There you have it.  If you have more you can add to this list, please discharge them in my comments section.

Thanks to my tiny friends on Facebook that helped me.  You can join us here.

Twitter is here.

Images donated by shutterstock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

It seems like everyone follows the exact same celebrities on Twitter.

Ashton Kutcher, Tom Hanks, Alyssa Milano, Bronson Pinchot from TV’s Perfect Strangers.

OK, not Bronson Pinchot.

We live in an unjust world.

But today, I’ll introduce you to a few people who are celebrities in their own right, but do not have the following they deserve.

Couldn’t you just do this in a Twitter list?

I’m lazy.

You can make a Twitter list in two seconds.

Yes but this passes for a blog post.

Let’s get started.

1. Eva Amurri

Eva Amurri is a notable actress in Hollywood.  I have noted that she’s like totally naked in Californication.

That’s what I noted.

I know this because I watch it on a projector in my basement.  One day, while Eva was super naked in it, my mom came down to ask if I wanted any cheese cubes to go with my Tang.  She walked in between the screen and my projector, and right there, on my mom, was Eva Amurri’s nudity.

And that incident?

That’s why I drink.

Sooooo much hotter when not projected on my mom.

Follow Eva here.

2. Kurt Sutter.

Kurt Sutter created the TV show The Shield.  Then he created Sons of Anarchy.

But he may be best known for taking on Chuck Zito.

If you don’t know who Chuck Zito is, good.  It’s better that way.  Chuck’s this crazy ninja dude that can break your spleen with just his emoticons.

And Sutter took him on.

This guy is more powerful than the Care Bear stare.

Follow Kurt Sutter here.

3. Colin Hanks.

Following Tom Hanks right now?

Cool.

But his son is even better.

Colin Hanks started tweeting in May.

Minutes later, he starts tweeting pictures of his hair gel, his T-shirts, him on his computer.  Everything.

Colin Hanks has a real, alarming Twitter addiction.

Let’s all watch as he spirals into the nerdy abyss like the rest of us.

I told you.

Follow Colin here.

4. Sam Simon

Sam Simon is one of the creators of The Simpsons.

The show that raised me.  As my parents were too ashamed of my hilariously low intelligence and devastatingly high fatness to claim they raised me themselves.

Thank you, Sam.

Your show did a good job raising me.

I’m a blogger now!

Sam raising even though he has a 2 and the 'How To Play Poker' card.

Follow Sam here.

5. Jon Hein

You know the term jump the shark? It means when a show turns horrible.  Like in the Care Bears when they brought in that elephant-looking bear.

Pffft.

Total shithead.

Jon Hein invented the term when he made the website jumptheshark.com.  He flipped that for millions and now works with Howard Stern.

He knows everything about TV.

That's a lot of yellow.

Follow Jon here.

–

There you have it.  Five people you may not have known were just sitting around, tweeting.

Now get out there.

And let them shower you with their stream.

–

Shower in my stream here!

dee@tremendousnews.com

Don’t worry.  I re-created the entire debacle for you.

Enjoy.

Babies donated by ShutterStock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Also too poor to own a camera.

A lot of poorness going on.

See what I deal with, lads! PAPER SIGNS. Paper signs from people who are pissed off at me. This is like totally crappy right now.

I swear on my Dark Lord Sata-what? Who? You want me to swear on THAT guy? Gross.

Alright lads, let's get going. The eco-system isn't going to devastate ITSELF now is it?

People, crop out the crappy-ass water they gave me to drink. I'm trying to maintain an image.

Alright, here's the deal. You guys all act like you're pissed. I'll answer really complicated-like. Big words, you know? Then people will think something was accomplished and we can all go back to screwing them over.

Follow me on Twitter here.

(Even though we both know football is played on Sundays.)

2. When Players Celebrate, There’s A Lot Of Affection.  A LOT Of Affection.

If you score, you might actually score.

3. The Chicks Are Incredibly Hot

For the record, I've never seen this at a Jays-Orioles game.

4. People Are Pissed Off About A Horn

Start conversation with "how about that vuvuzela?" Boom. 20 minute conversation. Or if you want to mess with people, ask them if they've seen "2 Girls 1 Vuvuzela".

5. A Red Card Means Bad Shit Just Happened.

If you want to fit in, refer to this individual as the 'spawn of Satan'. And then remark, "look at his bitch-tits"

6. There’s No Scoring To Interrupt You While You Admire The Beauty Of The Game.

Even though this game ended in a goalless tie, there were exciting chances and someone in the stands was lit on fire.

7. There Are NO Fans Like These.

Think Yankee fans are hardcore? If this guy's team doesn't win, he'll cut you.

That’s really all you need to know.

I put the Vuvuzela horn on Twitter, you can follow it here.

To watch my ‘Kittens Solve The Vuvuzela Controversy in 1 Minute’, click here.

My twitter, here.

Images donated by Shutterstock.

dee@tremendousnews.com