This is actually how creepy you are.

Right now, you probably think you’re normal.

Nice.

Decent.

Human.

Ha!

Hilarious.

I know you.  Beneath your cheery smile is dark nerdy evil.  And your satanic lord is Facebook.  Once you log on, you can’t resist yourself.  You stalk people.

Possibly while nude.

If you don’t believe me, read the signs below.  If you do any of these things, you have a problem.

1. You Know When People Use Facebook.

Your friend Sarah logs onto Facebook at around 9:30am.  Then again around 5pm.

How do you know this?  Because you’ve observed and recognized that she updates at these times.

That means, somewhere in your brain, you have registered Sarah’s Facebook Usage-Times, and forgot something else that was totally important.

Like your PIN.

Just use 123Boobs.

It’s worked for me since ‘98.

2. You Know You Weren’t Invited Somewhere Because You Saw The Pictures.

There’s nothing more painful than not being invited somewhere.

Wait.

Not being invited somewhere, then being affronted with the pictures of people having a great time without you to ruin it for them.

That’s more painful.

These people are celebrating your powerful absence.

3. You Know Where People Work Without Even Asking Them.

Hey how’s the job at TD bank?

Did I tell you- I never told you I worked there.

Really?  Weird.  I wonder how I knew that.  And the fact that you had a company retreat last weekend in Muskoka.

Why are you nude right now?

Just because.

4. You Know Someone’s Not In A Relationship Anymore Because They Removed All Pictures Of Themselves With ‘Him’

Screw the relationship status, she removed all the pictures of her and that douchebag.

Congrats!

You don’t have to cut yourself anymo-

As much.

It could be you disappointing her in bed.

5. If Someone Quits Facebook, You Panic And Believe They Blocked You.

The instant you realize someone’s no longer your friend, you lose your shit.

Hi Samantha, I’m Dee.  You don’t really know me, but I added you through the “People You May Know Window” on Facebook because you looked hot.

Why are you at my work?

Did you block me on Facebook, Samantha?

How did you even pass security.

Because if you did, I’ll cut myself.

Why are you nude?

6. You’ve Been 50 Pictures In On An Album Of A Friend-of-A-Friend.

If you’re in an album for fifteen minutes and don’t know anyone in the pictures, congratulations!   You’ve reached the apex of creepynessdom.

7. You Poke Someone You Don’t Know That Well, Hoping It Will Lead to Intercourse.

Update: Samantha hasn’t poked me back yet.

8. Blocking You Only Makes You Stronger.

Putting you on Limited Profile is just another way of her saying she loves you.

9. You Admit To Being A Facebook Stalker, But Stop Short Of Admitting To How Alarming You Really Are.

It’s always hilarious to be at a party and say I don’t care, I’ll admit that I’m a Facebook stalker!

And then you giggle.  And other people giggle.

A lot of giggling.

But inside, deep inside, you don’t tell them the nights you’ve stalked them. The clothing they own that you’ve memorized.  The way you’ve judged their past lovers.  The pain of knowing you cannot stop.

The dark, horrible reality that you have a real problem.

But yeah.

Giggle some more.

That’ll cover it up.

If Neil Young ever does a social media version of The Needle and The Damage Done, you can finally relate.

10. You Actually Found This Article WHILE Stalking.

If you found this article posted on the Facebook wall of a person you’re stalking, holy shit!

You can see the matrix.

–

There you have it.

If you want to Facebook stalk me, feel free by clicking here.

Go ahead.

I’m already nude.

Email: dee@tremendousnews.com

Images donated by ShutterStock (because I’m super poor)

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A common scene in my life. (Except with way fatter chicks)

Have you ever been blocked by someone on Facebook or Twitter?

Don’t answer.

That was rhetorical, dopey.

You’ve been blocked.

There’s been a point in time where someone evaluated your contribution to their world and said:

Pass.

Then they ensured they would never ever see you again by removing you completely from their lives.

Hilarious.

Here’s five signs you’re about to be blocked.

1. Someone Asks You “How Do You Find The Time To Update So Much”?

This is a key phrase.

How do you find the time.

It means people are getting tired of your constant Facebook posts about your ass itching.  Or your tweets about your pee hurting.  Or your FourSquare check-in to an STD clinic.

Those together?

Probably bad.

2. You’ve Been Put On Limited Profile On Facebook.

The first step to Facebook blocking is the limited profile.

You always got to see hot pictures of her in super tiny bikinis and then one day, boom.

She likes True Blood.

That’s all her profile says.

I know.

What are we supposed to do with that?

No way, you like VAMPIRES? You're so complex and layered.

3.  People Who RTed You Blindly Don’t Anymore.

You know those people who RT any random shit you say?

I like cheese.

Boom.

RTed by 4 people.

People all over Twitter now know some fat hairy blogger likes cheese.

If they stop RTing that I like cheese or my cheese-related activities, it means other people are really getting sick of me.

These people are my nerdy barometer.

I don’t know what a barometer is.

I just heard someone use that once.

4. You Find Yourself Trying Harder To Please People.

People on Twitter and Facebook try their hardest to prove that they’re intelligent, smart and charming.

That sounds exhausting.

I, on the other hand, have proven I’m an incredible shithead.

It can only go up from here.

Actually, it’s gone down, but whatever.

If you’re sitting there overthinking, over-tweeting, over-poking, you’ve lost it.

It’s like that dude who tries really hard to win a chick over and then realizes she doesn’t return his feelings via court restraining order.

Thanks Sarah from Queens.

Because that was what I needed.

This is Sarah from Queens, or as I like to whisper on the phone while breathing heavily, "my spirit bride"

5. When You Realize Someone Has Unfollowed Or De-friended You, You Try To Contact Them To Find Out Why.

There is nothing more painful than watching someone find out why they’ve been left.

It’s a key sign that you’ll be left again.

Hey Mike!  How are you bud?  lol  Just noticed you deleted me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Twitter!  lol!  Wondering if I did anything wrong?!  lmao.

Those creepy lols just make things worse.

–

There you have it.  If you’ve identified with these signs, you’re probably blocked by hundreds of people right now.

Don’t worry.

It’s better than a restraining order.

Orders.

(Plural)

–

Follow me and then immediately block me on Twitter here.

Images donated by shutterstock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

There’s a small group of words in the English language that everyone dislikes.  If the English language were a party, these words would be the guys with fake tans and Affliction t-shirts.

Listening to techno.

Beating up fat guys with bladder problems.

Shit.

I’ve made it personal.

Let’s get started.

1. Moist.

Even if you’re talking about your cake, don’t use it.  Because after you say it, nobody wants to eat your cake.

2. Secrete.

This is Moist’s little brother.  Nothing that’s good is secreting. Bad shit secretes.

3. Foodie.

Especially if it’s self-proclaimed.  Like, “I’m such a foodie!  I’m looking for other foodies so we can talk about food!”    Next time just say: “I’m a virgin”

4. Panties.

I am guilty of using this one.  Every time I say it, people flee in horror.  Or more specifically, ask me why I’m whispering, then flee in horror.

5. Country.  Without the ‘ree’.

This is like kryptonite to women.  Actually, they’re hurt by it briefly, then they come at you with the strength of a thousand suns.  Get ready to be secreting something afterward.

6. Spunk.

Saying someone ‘has a lot of spunk’ doesn’t mean what you think it means.

7. Canoodling.

Celebrities avoid paparazzi not because of the damaging photos, but because they know some dopey tabloid writer is going to use this word.

This couple is canoodling so hard right now.

8. Gastropub.

Really.  You’re going to include gas in your restaurant title.

9. Coitus.

If you call your sex ‘coitus’, you’re probably not having a lot of it.

10. Douche.

This word has been used to death.  By me.  Mostly by me.  It’s gross now.

11. Gubernatorial.

I don’t know what it means.  But you know what?  I’m OK with that.

12. Minge.

Nothing can de-hottify a woman’s private region like this word.

13. Leverage.

If someone is trying to teach you something and they use the word leverage, it’s officially OK to call them a minge.

If they use this clipart, they're going to say 'leverage'.

14. Staycation.

You stayed home on your vacation?  And the only word you could think of during all that time was this?

15. Dollop.

There has to be a better way to describe that unit of measurement.

Ha!

Unit.

16. Discharge.

If it’s heard at a shooting range?  Fine.  In a doctor’s office?  Not so fine.

17. Smegma.

Before you know what it means, it’s not so bad.  After, it could be number one.

18. Girthy.

Even if it’s a good attribute to have, it’s just off-putting to hear.

19. Fecal.

Really?  I need to explain?

–

There you have it.  If you have more you can add to this list, please discharge them in my comments section.

Thanks to my tiny friends on Facebook that helped me.  You can join us here.

Twitter is here.

Images donated by shutterstock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

It seems like everyone follows the exact same celebrities on Twitter.

Ashton Kutcher, Tom Hanks, Alyssa Milano, Bronson Pinchot from TV’s Perfect Strangers.

OK, not Bronson Pinchot.

We live in an unjust world.

But today, I’ll introduce you to a few people who are celebrities in their own right, but do not have the following they deserve.

Couldn’t you just do this in a Twitter list?

I’m lazy.

You can make a Twitter list in two seconds.

Yes but this passes for a blog post.

Let’s get started.

1. Eva Amurri

Eva Amurri is a notable actress in Hollywood.  I have noted that she’s like totally naked in Californication.

That’s what I noted.

I know this because I watch it on a projector in my basement.  One day, while Eva was super naked in it, my mom came down to ask if I wanted any cheese cubes to go with my Tang.  She walked in between the screen and my projector, and right there, on my mom, was Eva Amurri’s nudity.

And that incident?

That’s why I drink.

Sooooo much hotter when not projected on my mom.

Follow Eva here.

2. Kurt Sutter.

Kurt Sutter created the TV show The Shield.  Then he created Sons of Anarchy.

But he may be best known for taking on Chuck Zito.

If you don’t know who Chuck Zito is, good.  It’s better that way.  Chuck’s this crazy ninja dude that can break your spleen with just his emoticons.

And Sutter took him on.

This guy is more powerful than the Care Bear stare.

Follow Kurt Sutter here.

3. Colin Hanks.

Following Tom Hanks right now?

Cool.

But his son is even better.

Colin Hanks started tweeting in May.

Minutes later, he starts tweeting pictures of his hair gel, his T-shirts, him on his computer.  Everything.

Colin Hanks has a real, alarming Twitter addiction.

Let’s all watch as he spirals into the nerdy abyss like the rest of us.

I told you.

Follow Colin here.

4. Sam Simon

Sam Simon is one of the creators of The Simpsons.

The show that raised me.  As my parents were too ashamed of my hilariously low intelligence and devastatingly high fatness to claim they raised me themselves.

Thank you, Sam.

Your show did a good job raising me.

I’m a blogger now!

Sam raising even though he has a 2 and the 'How To Play Poker' card.

Follow Sam here.

5. Jon Hein

You know the term jump the shark? It means when a show turns horrible.  Like in the Care Bears when they brought in that elephant-looking bear.

Pffft.

Total shithead.

Jon Hein invented the term when he made the website jumptheshark.com.  He flipped that for millions and now works with Howard Stern.

He knows everything about TV.

That's a lot of yellow.

Follow Jon here.

–

There you have it.  Five people you may not have known were just sitting around, tweeting.

Now get out there.

And let them shower you with their stream.

–

Shower in my stream here!

dee@tremendousnews.com

Don’t worry.  I re-created the entire debacle for you.

Enjoy.

Babies donated by ShutterStock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Also too poor to own a camera.

A lot of poorness going on.

See what I deal with, lads! PAPER SIGNS. Paper signs from people who are pissed off at me. This is like totally crappy right now.

I swear on my Dark Lord Sata-what? Who? You want me to swear on THAT guy? Gross.

Alright lads, let's get going. The eco-system isn't going to devastate ITSELF now is it?

People, crop out the crappy-ass water they gave me to drink. I'm trying to maintain an image.

Alright, here's the deal. You guys all act like you're pissed. I'll answer really complicated-like. Big words, you know? Then people will think something was accomplished and we can all go back to screwing them over.

Follow me on Twitter here.

(Even though we both know football is played on Sundays.)

2. When Players Celebrate, There’s A Lot Of Affection.  A LOT Of Affection.

If you score, you might actually score.

3. The Chicks Are Incredibly Hot

For the record, I've never seen this at a Jays-Orioles game.

4. People Are Pissed Off About A Horn

Start conversation with "how about that vuvuzela?" Boom. 20 minute conversation. Or if you want to mess with people, ask them if they've seen "2 Girls 1 Vuvuzela".

5. A Red Card Means Bad Shit Just Happened.

If you want to fit in, refer to this individual as the 'spawn of Satan'. And then remark, "look at his bitch-tits"

6. There’s No Scoring To Interrupt You While You Admire The Beauty Of The Game.

Even though this game ended in a goalless tie, there were exciting chances and someone in the stands was lit on fire.

7. There Are NO Fans Like These.

Think Yankee fans are hardcore? If this guy's team doesn't win, he'll cut you.

That’s really all you need to know.

I put the Vuvuzela horn on Twitter, you can follow it here.

To watch my ‘Kittens Solve The Vuvuzela Controversy in 1 Minute’, click here.

My twitter, here.

Images donated by Shutterstock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Who invented those?

Who saw a need.

Anyway, they’re here.  And debate is ramping up on whether they’ll be banned.  I decided to re-create the entire debate using kittens.  Not because I like kittens but because it’s the only way I’ll get you to watch my re-creation.

See how difficult you are?

If you’re on Twitter, I’m also tweeting as the Vuvuzela Horn so you don’t miss a second of the annoyingness.  You can follow that account here.

Enjoy.

email: dee@tremendousnews.com

Images donated by ShutterStock

These off-putting cats will explain the entire oil spill in just a minute.

I saved you from having to read.

Enjoy.

(There’s swearing)

Twitter friends, click here.

Cats donated by ShutterStock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Today, I turn 30.

I woke up in my basement to a nice card left by my roommate/mom.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.  THIS YEAR, KEEP YOUR ROOM CLEAN AND EAT FRUIT.

I probably won’t get another card.  I have a couple of friends but nobody’s going to put in the effort to get me a card. That’s exhausting.  You have to go to the store, shuffle through a herd of yentas reading cards, each of them summoning up pain from a former flame they had before they got all gross and old, dying a little inside because they can never be young again, then head to the cashier, to buy just one card.  Do I need a bag?  For a card?  It’s just a card.  But then I gotta carry that shit outside and look like an idiot with my dopey glitter card.

I’m not sure why I need glitter.

I just need glitter.

And now I’m carrying my glitter card on the bus.  And there’s a dude listening to his iPod to the Black Eye Peas.  I Got A Feeling.

Really.

You’re really going to blast ‘I Got A Feeling’, shithead?

So yeah.

Nobody’s going to get me a card.

When I was just a tiny-tiny blob of a boy.

So I decided to write my own card.  To myself.

Happy Birthday dummy.

You’re thirty now.  It’s enough already.  Enough with the living at home still.  Unemployment.  Waking up whenever you want.  Dancing in your room to Jewel.  You got moobs.  We get it.  You got freakin’ moobs man.  Who cares.  Other dudes with moobs are doing things with their lives.  Have you SEEN Simon Cowell?  And his man-tits have shape.  Like, actual boob-curve.  Like, if that dude was a chick in junior high, all the other kids would love him.

You see?

Right there, you just equated Simon Cowell to a chick in Junior High.  That’s what I mean.

You’re an idiot.

You always talk about wanting to totally do super hot chicks but what super hot chick wants the baggage you come with?  Actual baggage.  Like, your DVD boxed sets of Golden Girls.  Who wants that.  Chicks don’t want that.  Take an inventory of yourself.  An inventory.  And then see if you’ve named even ONE quality chicks desire.

Personality?

You just thought ‘personality’ didn’t you?  You only have personality on the Internet man.  And even then, barely.  I mean, if your blog disappeared, Twitter, Facebook, Friendster, hi5, CompuServ, you think anyone would care?  And why are you still on CompuServ?  You’re medieval.

The point is, they wouldn’t.

Anyway, I’m getting bored writing a card to myself.  That’s how interesting you are.  You bore your own self.  And this glitter card is really shitty.  Now you got glitter all over your bed.  Because that’s what your mom wants to do.  Clean up glitter from his 30 year old son’s bed that’s NOT left from a stripper.

You sicken me.

Happy B-day Dee!

love love,

dee

My mom and I.