Oscar night for me is like Superbowl night for real men.

Or for women who are more manly than I.

Of which there are a lot of.

Hilarious.

If you didn’t watch the Oscars last night, I will briefly summarize the experience for you by compiling five of the creepiest moments.

1. Mo’nique Over-Thanking Her Husband As He Stared At Her Like He Gave Birth To Her.

I know Mo’nique was brilliant in Precious, but really.

Do you have to thank your husband that much?  Every second with the I want to thank my husband.

And then he just sits there, staring at her, blinking.

Bizarre.

Mo'nique's Husband/Creator.

2. Ben Stiller Going A Real Long Way For An Avatar Joke.

Imagine searching for a laugh within a weak premise.

Now imagine doing it in full Avatar makeup and costume.

That’s what this was like.  I heard Sacha Baron Cohen bailed out on this sketch a few days before the ceremony.

I wonder why.

Stiller presses on as Cohen laughs in the background.

3. The How Old Is Miley Cyrus Again?  Because She Looks Pretty Ho– Wait-That’s-Gross Moment.

This is cringe-inducing mostly for me, because I’m 29, fat, unemployed and still live with my parents.  But Miley did look pretty tremendous last night.

I am now a fan of whatever it is she does.

Music?

I’m going with music.

Ladies? How much do you want this.

4. You Can Totally Tell Macaulay Culkin Is Pissed That Every Time He’s Anywhere, He Has To Reference Himself In Home Alone.

He’ll be sixty-five years old at a comic book convention in Seguin, TX and have people ask him to do the after-shave “ahhhh” scene.

And why not?

That movie was the shit.

5. Did Someone Just Kanye That Dude?

There was a moment during the Oscars where this guy was accepting an award.  I think it was for best documentary short, or as I like to call it, The You Can Flip To Family Guy While Eating Cheese Cubes Because Nobody Cares About This Award Award.

Only I didn’t.

And I was rewarded.

This one dude accepted his Oscar, started his speech and then was totally Kanye’d by this old chick who took over the mic! It was awesome because I thought she was just a random fan or something.

I went upstairs to tell my mom to turn it on because this chick is stealing an Oscar. I found out later she was actually a producer on the movie that didn’t get along with the original dude.

So, a half-Kanye.

–

There you go.

Now you don’t have to watch the Oscars.

You can unfollow me on Twitter for hinting that Miley Cyrus is attractive here.

Until next year.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Ever since English was invented, there’s been a swath of phrases that annoy everyone.

Like that?

Swath?

I read books now.

I asked my tiny friends on Facebook for suggestions on some of their most hated phrases.  They gave me well over 70.

I’m going to trim it down to 10 of the most vile.

If you use any of these, stop immediately.

1. Peeps.

The term ‘peeps’ was cool when people were ‘getting jiggy with it.’

Or when people were not, in fact, ready for her jelly.

But we’ve evolved.

And we’re not your peeps.

2. Just Sayin’

People think that affixing this to the end of their comment dilutes the blunt impact of their horrible opinions.

Sorry but if  the Indians who own Foxwoods Casino are so pissed at America, why don’t they just go back to whatever country they came from.  #justsayin

3. That’s What She Said.

This phrase is used when someone empties their bottom drawer of comedy.  Here.  I’ll set one up.

Doing this is really really hard.

If you just said “that’s what she said” out loud, you’re part of the problem.

4. Totes.

Sometimes annoying phrases transform into even more annoying phrases, leaving us in complete awe of their annoyingness.

Remember “Totally”?

Yeah.  That’s now “totes”.

God help us all.

5. Personal Brand.

My older cousin used to lock the doors of his Chevy Corsica and drop alarming farts that I’d have to breathe in while crying.

That was his personal brand.

6. Epic.

When the Hobbits had to return the ring to Mordor?  That shit was epic.

The taquito you just bought from 7-11?

Not so much.

7. kthxbai

I’m not sure where this originated, but it smells like LOLCats to me.

If you’re a long-time reader of TN, you know how devastating I think LOLCats are.

A human using lolcat terminology in day-to-day conversation.

That would break me.

8. Let’s Connect.

Nobody can say email me sometime or add me to Facebook.

They have to say “let’s connect”.

Just be honest.

Let’s connect on Facebook so I can creepily comb through the bikini pictures of your trip to Cancun.

9.  It Is What It Is.

Imagine you’re up on trial for bitch-slapping a manatee.

Your lawyer defends you by saying Your honor, my client did not, at any point, harm a manatee.

And then the judge is like But we have video evidence.

And your lawyer shrugs and says Well, alright.  It is what it is.

Do you want that to happen?

Do you?

Stop saying this phrase.

10. I Heart You.

Heart is five letters.

“Love” is four.

You’re putting in more effort to make something sound worse.

–

I know some of you are saying I have more to add to this list.

Feel free to leave a phrase or term that annoys you in the comment section.

I also know some of you use these phrases and want to call me ‘pretentious’  for making a list that shits on you.

Hilarious.

If you want to send me direct hate, you can follow me on Twitter here.

Or connect with my personal brand here.

Just don’t call me your peep.

dee@tremendousnews.com

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The Olympics are being hosted on the same part of the planet I’m stepping on right now.

Canada.

In tribute to this, I’ve decided to honour my nation’s people the only way I know how.

By totally making fun of them.

If you’re not Canadian, you might know a Canadian or someone you highly suspect of being Canadian. Here are fifteen signs to know if you’re talking to one.

1. We Are Completely Comfortable With The Term “Homo Milk”.

In Canada, this is an acceptable type of milk.  I remember when someone asked my mom what type of milk she gave me as a child.  I braced myself for a devastating mental image.

He loves homo.

Thanks, mom.

Because that’s not confusing.

2. We Correct You When You Say “Soda”.

We’ll say, “you mean pop?”.  And then creepily stare at you until you call it ‘pop’.

3. We Are Offended When You Ask Us If We Know A Friend Of Yours Who, Coincidentally, Also Lives In Canada.

You’re from Canada?  Do you know my friend Tom?  He lives in Canada too.

Ever since Canada was invented, we’ve been asked this question.  The American soldiers did this during the War of 1812.

Good war, dude.  Good war.  I think my buddy Jacques lives up in Canada.  Vancouver or some shit.  Tall guy, eyepiece?  You probably know him.

4. We Don’t Think “Legalizing Marijuana” Is A Debate.

I’ve never met a Canadian with another view on it.

Or I might have, but I was watching Garfield 2 while eating cookie dough.

Odie’s a bad ass.

5. We’ve All Rolled Up The Rim To Win.

Ask any Canadian you know if they’ve ‘rolled up the rim’.

They’ll say yes.

It’s not naughty.  It’s way lamer than that.  It’s a contest that a coffee shop ..

Actually fuck it.

It’s naughty.

6. We’ve Been Jealous Of Someone Else’s Toboggan.

A ‘toboggan’ is a nice wooden snow sled.

When I grew up, I had to go sledding using the lid of a garbage can.

So maybe this one’s just for me.

7. We Think ‘Beaver Tail’ Is Delicious.

A beaver tail is a pastry, covered in syrup, ice cream, cream, and some fruit that we pick off it because it’s all gross and healthy.

8. Our Parents Have Tied Our Mittens Together With A String So We Don’t Lose Them.

My mom would tie my “wool gloves” together and put them through my winter jacket so I didn’t lose them.

This seemed like a good idea.

But since they were pink and I was a freaking boy, mom I doubt they’d go unnoticed.

9. We Were Raised, In Part, By Mr. Dressup.

I’m twenty-nine, so this might not be true of older Canadians.  Or like, super hot college chicks who think I’m all old and gross now because they don’t know who Mr Dressup is.

Mr Dressup sawed through the hearts of many Canadian kids.

10. We Grow Playoff Beards.  (Not The Women)  (Hopefully)

During hockey playoffs, players will not shave.  So when they win the Stanley Cup, it looks like Hamas is playing for the New Jersey Devils.

For some bizarre reason, some fans who support the team, decide to grow beards too.

Don’t ask.

I look like I’m in Hamas even in the off season.

11. We Are Angry That We Can’t Watch The Same Commercials As Americans During The Superbowl.

Instead of the cool commercials everyone talks about, we get “Tom Ford’s Nissan Dealership, Now Open In Bolton”.

Your name’s Tom Ford, douchebag.

Pick the right car company.

12. We Know Where To Get Good Poutine.

Because it is the nectar of our people.

–

For the last three, I asked some friends of Tremendous News for help.  Here they are.

13. When We Hear “In The Five-hole” And “Spending Some Time In The Box”, We Don’t Think Dirty.

It’s hockey.  It’s pure.  It’s our game.

Alex Ruiz, Calgary Flames TV.

14. We Give Directions Using Liquor Stores And Beer Stores As Geographical Benchmarks.

Ok, you know the beer store at Jane and Dundas? Go east until you get to the liquor store then take a right.

Jeff Marek, Hockey Night In Canada Radio.

15. Canadians Never Think Anywhere Is Cold Outside Of Canada

Whaaaa? This isn’t cold. Winter of ‘94, my eyelids froze shut, and I still walked to school.

Nia Vardalos, Actress, Screenwriter, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, My Life In Ruins

–

There you have it.

Send this to a Canadian friend to see how many of these things they can relate to.

You can follow me on Twitter here.  Let me know if you have any friends in Canada.

I was probably jealous of their toboggans.

dee@tremendousnews.com

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I’m not smooth in real life.

I know.

Shocking.

I’ve been called “socially awkward”, “a little weird”, “creepy and gross.”

Mostly the last thing.

Which is why I’ve retreated to the darkness of my parents basement to write articles on Twitter.

Due to my un-smoothyness, I try not to interact with anyone on Twitter.  I look at the people following me as make-believe.

Like the Care Bears.

You guys are all the Care Bears.

Which is good, because I’ve made some horrible mistakes.  I’m going to share seven of the most embarrassing.  Perhaps I’m not alone.

1. Sending Out A Tweet That Was Supposed To Be A DM.

I tried to privately send a DM message to one of my electrical friends.

Glenn, you see Alyssa Milano’s new profile pic?  That chick’s bangin’ hot. eeet!  eeet!

Tweet sent.

Only not just to Glenn.  To everyone that follows me.

So now people know I’m like totally checking out Alyssa Milano behind Alyssa Milano’s back.

I use the term “eet eet”.

And I’m friends with a guy named Glenn.

Glenn.

Devastating.

2. Asking Your Followers To Send You A Message If They Want You To Follow Them Back.

I see this all the time.

Someone will write “@reply me if you want me to follow you back.”

I mean, I guess that’s nice.  But imagine you’re the person who has to send that horrible message.

It appears you’re not following me.  Can you please follow me back?

What that really means is.

It appears I’m Twitter’s social leper.  You clearly had an opportunity to follow me, but elected not to.  So now I will publicly beg for your friendship.

3. Answering Every Question A Celebrity Asks.

I follow this one girl who sits there and answers every question Kim Kardashian asks.

Even the rhetorical ones.

And because I’m hilariously unemployed, I will read her entire page.  And then I realize something.

Kim Kardashian is this individual’s imaginary friend.

How tremendous.

Some questions stand alone.

4.  Clicking On DM Spam.

Is this u in this vid?  Click here.

Then you click it.

Really?

How many videos have you done in your life, crazy pants?

How many videos have you done that you think would be sent to you via DM on Twitter by someone you don’t really know.

5. Asking For More Followers.

Hey guys, trying to get to 1000 followers by midnight.  Please RT!

Hilarious.

Let’s translate that.

Hey guys, I bring absolutely nothing to the table.  But follow me so I can get to an arbitrary number.  Thanks you guys!

6. Asking A Girl For A Twitpic Of Herself When Your W Key Is Broken.

This might just be me.

7. The “Oh Shit” Tweet.

There’s this breathtaking event that happens on Twitter.  Someone you follow sends a tweet and you can only say “oh shit”.

juss got back from the clinic, peeps.  burning shud stop in a few weeks.

mah boobs are itchy. lmaoz!

anyone in the greater orlando area got any crack?  please RT

Thanks for that.

People think Twitter’s a friend they can confide in.  It’s not.

Not your friend.

Twitter’s a big douchebag that remembers everything and will throw it in your face when you’re at your most vulnerable.

You think Itchy Boobs rocketing up the corporate ladder?

Exactly.

–

There you have it.  Let me know if you’ve done any of these things, or see me do them live on Twitter here.

And if your name is Glenn, I’m sorry.

The last thing anyone needs is a bunch of angry Glenns.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Nothing could be more hilarious.

Nobody wants to believe that they’re part of a fad.

It’s this weird thing about us. Humans. We feel like if we’re part of something that was wildly popular for a fleeting moment, we just got suckered.

Cuckolded.

And I’ll be damned if I get cuckolded again.

But you might be part of a fad. Facebook, Twitter, they could be fads. That hilariously demented naughty site you go on when your parents aren’t home? Possibly a fad.

Although let’s hope not.

The Internet is about right now.

Right now we want to read short electrical messages from Ashton Kutcher. Right now we want to view tagged photos of chicks who rejected us but still allowed us to add them to Facebook. Right now we want to play Mafia Wars.

Fine.

Some of us are just assholes.

But whatever we want right now, changes tomorrow. Think about the fallen Internet heroes of yesterday.

The days when Yahoo was the shit.

Ha!

Yahoo.

Prodigy Online. CompuServ. Friendster. Hell, even MySpace.

We wanted them. Used them. Sucked the fun out of them. Then discarded them.

And we’ll do it again.

Tomorrow, if someone douchier than me starts “waymoretremendousnews.com”, and he writes about stuff you actually care about, I’m done.

I’ll probably have to move back with my parents and—

Well something bad will happen.

The point is, I know this. I’m ready for it. And I can point out the signs.

Here they are. The five signs you’re part of an Internet fad.

1. People Are Way Too Into It.

Internet fads are started by what I call the nerdy douche. These people live and breathe the phenomenon so much, it’s alarming. They’re the ones with the T shirts they get custom-printed to announce to the world how much they enjoy the current fad.

This is because without the current fad, nobody talks to these people.

But now that they’re Internet stars, they can wear a T shirt, take a picture of it and use it for their avatar.

Yes.

Because that’s what we need.

2. People Are Scared When Something Else Comes Out.

When Google Buzz came out and people called it the “Twitter Killer”, thousands of people on Twitter grew frightened. If Buzz actually killed Twitter, all of those days they spent getting super hot spambot followers would be wasted.

Tons of people on Twitter secretly hope Google Buzz will fail.

And the rest are buying Buzz T Shirts and taking pictures of themselves for their avatars.

I told you.

It’s how it starts.

3. The Spam Surprises You With Its Creativity.

Internet fads end when the service loses its epic battle against spam. It happened to Friendster when webcam chicks became so overpowering that you either had to shut down your Friendster account or have your seventeenth private cam show with Roxy from Vegas.

I think I put Roxy’s kids through college.

Facebook and Twitter are doing a better job at battling back. But the spambots improvise. They start to learn the weaknesses, and become even more super hot.

Right now the webcam chicks, teeth whiteners and affiliate marketers are held at bay. But as soon as they call for Nigerian banker back-up, it’s over.

4. It’s Called A “Game-Changer.”

When a social media “expert” is calling your service a game changer on his horrible weekly podcast nobody watches, look out.

It’s the death wish.

5. It Becomes Corporate.

Facebook and Twitter were started by regular people. It wasn’t a company launching a new service. It was some nerdy dudes who probably argued about which “CSS syle sheet” to use at a Starbucks in San Mateo.

That’s what made it cool.

But when corporations take over, and I mean fully over, it feels hollow.

You need to know that the people running your service are just as dumb as you are. It’s what makes it real.

–

There you have it. The signs you might be part of an Internet fad.

You can send me your short, electrical hate on Twitter here.

Especially if you’re wearing a custom-made T shirt in your profile picture.

Because that’s just hilarious.

-

Question for my hurtful commenters: Do you think Facebook and/or Twitter are ‘fads’?  Also, are any of you super hot chicks that want me to like, do stuff to you?

Actor-director-screenwriter-fat person Kevin Smith was recently asked to de-plane a Southwest flight recently because he was deemed “too fat” to fly.

Outrageous.

When I read this news, I was coincidentally feeding myself.  I looked up from my third hot pocket and yelled outrageous with cheese strands hanging off my chins.

I know.  I know.

I’m all gross.

My mom ran down the stairs and said children shouldn’t yell at the television.  You scared me.

And I said mom, this fatso just got kicked off a plane because he’s too fat.  That’s so wrong.

And then she said see?  Now maybe you’ll learn to lose weight.  And then you don’t have to worry.

Screw that noise.

Even if I’m alarmingly doughy, I should not be humiliated by a company and sent off a plane.

When Southwest airlines did that to Kevin Smith, they did it to me.

They did it to hundreds of thousands of fat people across the world.

They harpooned us all with the poking-stick of humiliation.

And Kevin Smith stuck it right back.

He leveraged the power of Twitter and unleashed a fury on Southwest like no other.  He bent them over and social media’d their ass until they finally apologized.  This is a victory.  A victory for all of us.

And if you’re of the camp that Southwest shouldn’t apologize.  Fat people on airlines infringe on my rights because they pour over into my seat and I have to be uncomfortable.

Wake up, man.

It’s not easy carrying weight.  It’s not easy having people look at you and go gross. Fat people try to suck it in on a plane as well.  You have to buy two seats now.  And I’m single.  Every time I travel, it’s like I’m taking an imaginary girlfriend around.

You know how sad that is?

Just consider what Kevin Smith did.  Be proud of him speaking out against a company.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

This hot pocket isn’t going to eat itself.

Me being shattered by those I least suspect to hurt me, anonymous people on the Internet.

As many of you know, I’m emotionally fragile.

I cry-dance to Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in my parents’ basement.

That’s my Saturday.

That.

And nothing unravels me more than the hurtful comments I receive from my readers.

Which, for some odd reason, many of you asked me to compile.

Here they are, 15 comments I’ve received on Tremendous News! over the last year that aren’t very pleasant.

I’ve shortened some, and taken these from a variety of my articles.  They may be confusing, but still.

Feast on my pain.

1. Nothing like articles written by 13 year old kids who know nothing.  Maybe you should have took your own advice when you chose such a rubbish (and ironic) name for your site.

2. Lay off of the Enter key. Have you ever heard of a paragraph? Damn, son.

3. A bigger douche is the one who sits glued to his computer for a few hours trying to come up with a clever article that attempts to define “douche.” Oh, the irony.

4. Er, you seem to be exactly the douche bag you’re describing. I’m glad my life’s not stuck in the bog of social media – I just visit occasionally. But I take exception to the fact that just because I have an iMac computer with an Apple emblem on it, you call me a douche bag. Ah, but I’ve fallen into your trap, wasting precious time on someone whose life is stuck in the bog of social media. Keep it up – you’re doing good…. inconsequentially.

5. WHAT! point #4 completely describes you in point #3. you have a devastantingly bad sense of humor.

6. Excuse me for telling you but buying steroids for bodybuilding is not somethng that “douchebags” do. Maybe there are normal and nice people there who do this from many other reasons. You should know better than that.

7. maybe you dont get remembered because you are fat and fugly

8. What about the guy who blogs about different twitter pics? I think that should top the list….I mean really…is there absolutely nothing else going on in your life?

9. you have an MBA? you know those ones you buy online don’t *actually* count as real degrees, right?

10. who fuckin cares, i hardly remember my close friends birthday, get over yourself. dont add people ass friends on facebook if you dont want them to say happy birthday, yor a dumb fuck!!!!!!! all you people pointing out flaws ro facebook saying its terrible, then just get rid of yours, i hate you fucking people. your way or the high way always you selfish prik.

11. I think the true definition of a douchebag is someone who spends his/her “valuable” time concocting these pathetic little attention grabbers. Honestly, don’t you people have anything better to do than criticize others?

12. I think the author of this article:

1. Is a nerd( probably can’t afford affliction).

2. never has a fast suped up car.

3. Does not like loud music.

4.Was not allowed in many good clubs.

5. Never went to the gym

* did I say was a picked on a lot and a nerd that probably never got any PU$y ?!

13. Just stumbled upon this, and your writing style is pretty irritating. You don’t need a new line for every sentence, and you don’t need to write the entire article in fragments. I don’t use twitter, but I’m sure it’s just as annoying as you make it out to be. So good article, just get someone else to write it for you

14. Good job in throwing up a post to call attention and drive traffic. You achieved it with me. I only wish your reasons weren’t as superficial and poorly thought out…

15. this sucked.

–

Continue hating me on Twitter here.

Super hot chicks, Facebook poke me here.

Today, Google launched “Buzz”, its major strike into the boobs of social media.

Listen, friends. Listen.

Hear it?

That’s the sound of every social media maven, guru, cowboy and expert convulsing in tantric release.

They’re ready to call this the “Twitter killer”, the biggest threat to Facebook, a “social media revolution.”

They’re ready to speak about it at your conference immediately.

Hilarious.

I may not know much about anything else in life. Employment. Cleaning my toothbrush so my mom won’t yell at me anymore. Women.

But I know social media up the ass.

Forget how I worded that.

Here are the five reasons why I think Google Buzz will fail.

1. The Name Isn’t Lame Enough.

Look around at the networks you use. The names are devastating.

Omg you guys. Seriously. We should make like a book full of faces.

I totally want to drive my feed into all of my friends.

I just yelped!

Boom.

Names.

People love lame names for their social networks. ‘Buzz’ isn’t lame-cool. It’s the name of your uncreative neighbor’s Rottweiler.

2. It Has Too Much Shit.

We like social networks that are simple.

Twitter. 140 characters. Simple home page. Put up one picture. Nobody needs you to start creating.

Facebook. A little more. But in the end, just your picture and the horrible shit in your life.

That’s it.

With Google Buzz, crazy things are happening.

GPS coordinates.

Really.

There’s a chick on my Facebook who spirals into confusion when I poke her.

You think she needs GPS mapping?

3. Social Networks That Work Don’t Need Fancy Press Releases.

Or press conferences. Or mentions on CNN.

I want to be part of a social network that doesn’t have a PR department.

Does that make me medieval?

4. It Doesn’t Appeal To My Alarming Vanity And My Even-More-Alarming Insecurity.

I need the pain of having someone unfollow me.

Then I need the joy of having a super hot chick follow me.

Then I need the pain of knowing the super hot chick is actually selling teeth whitener.

Can you do that Buzz?

I thought so.

5. The Social Networks We Love Start From The Grassroots.

When Facebook and Twitter began, they were just a bunch of dudes throwing some shitty site out there. But from that small start, just a bunch of random people starting small, people bought in. They grew the network.

The people did.

Twitter, Facebook even YouTube exploded because they were unknowns becoming knowns.

Google is an established player trying to find venues to sell more ads.

That’s not very grassrooty.

Grassrootish.

Whatever that word is, that’s what they’re not.

–

There you have it. You probably have other, more hurtful thoughts on Google Buzz.

If you would like to shatter me emotionally on Twitter click here.

If you want to poke my hot body on Facebook, click here.

What’s your prediction on the future of Google Buzz?

The movie Avatar is about a planet of people attacked by a much stronger force.

They have to battle back, these underdogs, to protect their land.

If you’re reading this, you come from another planet too.

The devastatingly nerdy world of Twitter.

Don’t fight it.

Don’t fight it.

Embrace your nerdy body.

Your world is under attack too.

Today, I will show you the enemy.  The people that you’ll see on Twitter pumping their tiny fingers and expelling tweets that could soon signal the end-times.

And after months, maybe a year, if Twitter dies, you’ll know why.

You’ll circle back to this post and laud me for being right.

Nice.

I’ve always wanted to be like, totally lauded.

Let’s begin now, with the 5 people who completely ruin Twitter for the rest of us.

1. The People Behind Those Horrible Trending Topics.

Right for the juggernaut.

I know you feel uneasy.  Because you’ve thought about this, too.

You’re frightened, scared.  Let’s unpack your thoughts.

Don’t madden them, TN, they’ll make a hurtful trending topic about your penis!

That would be better than the shit that’s out there.

You know you ugly when.

Really?

Wifey her if.

Really.

Rihanna’s forehead is bigger than.

OK, that’s funny.

The point is, the hijacking of Twitter’s trending topics by asinine shit will destroy the validity Twitter has a mainstream news and information source.

And if you don’t believe me, there’s no way you’d be my wifey.

2. The Twitter Spambot.

The Twitter spambot is a reincarnation of the the Friendster webcam chick.

It’s the same person, people.

When I was on Friendster, striking out with chicks, I remember my first friend request.

Alicia in a super tiny bikini.

I immediately started dating her in my mind.

I added her.  Messaged her.  Introduced myself.

Hi Alicia!  I’m 23.  I like puzzles and juice boxes.  Maybe we can like totally do each other?

I put my emoticons out there.

Days later, a response.

Ur CUTE!  Do you want to see steamy pictures of me?  Join my private chat room, and receive five free minutes of me on webcam.

Shattered.

And more Alicias arrived.  Thousands and thousands.  Flooding Friendster until we all fled, flailing our girl arms in the air.

And now we’re on Twitter.

Alicia knows.  She’s here with all her super hot friends.  Selling us webcam sessions, teeth whitening, affiliate marketing scams.

When the Nigerian bankers find out how to give us inheritances in 140 chars or less, we’re all fucked.

Dreaming of super hot spambots and a love that could not be.

3. The Vapid Celebrity.

I like celebrities on Twitter.  I follow a lot of them.

But the ones I don’t follow still manage to get into my stream.

Ha!

My stream.

And more will arrive.  More of the vapid celebrities with nothing to say.

The ones with “armies” of fans.  They’ll flood us with hundreds of their devastating thoughts.

omg people. I keep loosing my iphone.  arrgh.

on the set of a new photoshoot!  don’t worry.  gonna take pics for you guys.

hey tweeps!  at a VIP party just ran into puffy. lmaoz.   big things!!

What are we supposed to do with that?

4. The There’s-No-Such-Thing-As-Too-Much-Information People.

For these people, Twitter is like a psychiatrist, a close friend, and an STD doctor all in one.

They share everything.

And as Twitter grows, more of these people arrive.

My bum itches you guys!

I’m smoking crack and shit!

No offense but Canadian people are gross.

Thanks, people.

Thanks for that.

5. The Social Media Douchebag.

Our biggest threat.

Before Twitter, they roamed the world as social outcasts.

Unloved and unwanted.

Like me right-now.

And then Twitter gave them a chance to fashion a new persona for themselves.  Where people would listen to them.  Respect them. Pay them for their thoughts.

Hilarious.

But the thin veil of celebrity that they’ve tried to create will soon fall.

And we’ll all totally see their pee-pees and wee-wees.

The pee-pee of fraud, the wee-wee of bullshit.

Let’s hope it isn’t too late.

–

Even though the social media douchebags have harpooned me with hurtful comments, I continue to fight them.

There you have it.

The 5 people who will ruin Twitter.

I know what you’re thinking.

Well you can just not follow them.

I know that.  And I don’t.  But just like Alicia in her tiny bikini.

They multiply.

And once they outnumber us all, nothing can stop their super hot web cam sessions.

–

Follow my super hotness on Twitter here.

Question: Who else annoys you on Twitter that I left out?

Follow me on twitter here.