Holly with her son Alex weeks before passing away from cancer

It’s time for that annual event when I put a seemingly useless skill of mine to some good. Yes, I’m referring to my swimming, because quite frankly, I can only swim in very specific conditions.

If you really want to know more, you’ll just have to read it on my Swim a Mile Donation Page.

This is my fourth year swimming this event and since 2008, I’ve been swimming in memory of my husband’s sister, Holly Philipp, who passed away from cancer one month before turning 36. It happened so quickly: her diagnosis right around Thanksgiving, and then in the late spring, she was gone. Jon and the rest of his family were fortunate to spend some time with her before she passed away.

This year I will also swim in memory of my dog Siwa. I’m convinced she was a Bodhisattva, her tail constantly wagging, truly enjoying life until the very end. She was diagnosed with canine melanoma in late 2007 and with the latest treatment, she was able to fend off the cancer until her passing in late fall 2009.

My swim will benefit the local “I-hella-heart” Oakland Women’s Cancer Resource Center, an organization that provides a variety of support to women with cancer. The Swim a Mile event is their biggest fundraiser of the year.

I also want to thank my awesome family and friends for helping me to surpass  my goal of raising $500. I am blessed!

It’s not too late to donate though! My swim is scheduled for October 3, plenty of time for you to click that link and help me raise more money for women with cancer:

DONATE NOW

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It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our

real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have

begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

I perceive my biggest problem to be that I can’t seem to focus on just one thing – there’s the side of me that needs to work with my hands by playing with tangible objects through artistic endeavors.  Make paintings, drawings, jewelry, sculpture, prints, etc.

There’s another part that has the desire to learn everything I can to become a better web designer and WordPress gal. I want to learn to program PHP, not just manipulate the code. I want to master Photoshop, Illustrator, my Wacom graphics tablet, etc, etc.

I sometimes feel like I’m being torn in so many directions and I catch myself apologizing for feeling like a Jill of all trades but master of none.

My stream turns into rapids very quickly when I’m in this mode. So what to do?

Lately, I turn to sitting. Then I accept this is who I am. And I won’t apologize for that.

Here’s another page from my dharma art journal:

The bodhisattva has to be a warrior

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The first day of sitting was actually quite rough. I had a headache that lasted the entire day and my mind would not quiet down. Two words kept popping up to describe what has happening in my head: monkey mind.

I did not invent this description; it came from one of my numerous Zen books (unfortunately, I can’t remember which one). You know this state of mind though.

We’ve all experienced it: the one in which you lie awake at night, sleepless, because your mind is racing a mile a minute from all the thoughts flooding your head.

Well, that was me on day one, only add on top of that a throbbing headache.

So, rather than fight monkey mind, I allowed it to be. Then I exploded in my journal and took 2 aspirins.

What the inside of my head looked like (more or less) on day one of sitting

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1. Living and creating in the space between thoughts: my new dharma practice
2. No apologies for my impeded stream

I feel the need to explain the change of my blog’s tagline from “Winning the War of Art” to the current “Creating & Living in the Space Between Thoughts”.

Even though my “Facebook Which Firefly Character Are You?” turned out to be Zoe, the reality is that I’ve never been a very good warrior.   I may have a fighting spirit, but when it comes down to it, I really don’t like to fight.

Facing my creativity with the mindset that I started with for this blog and as described by Steven Pressfield’s War of Art was both tiring and uninspiring.

And it’s not that I don’t have discipline either. I do.  I hike everyday. I swim 3 days a week. I sit on the cushion daily.

I did try.

When I faced the canvas, the paper, the journal,  the clay, and the brushes as a battle that needing winning,  ALL THE FUN SIMPLY DIED. I lost not only the war, but my desire to create. And it showed in the works I produced.

So I stopped creating and hence, my absence from my blog in the month of April.

My New Dharma Practice of Creating

Some background

Spirit Rock Meditation Center, photo by Flickr member Jodene, used with Creative Commons license

I spent last week at Spirit Rock Meditation Center doing a week-long retreat that had a focus on creativity.

But before I get into the details of the week, I’d like to share some of my background with meditation/sitting.

First off, I often refer to ‘sitting’ rather than meditation because meditation implies that I am trying to accomplish something when in fact, the goal is to just SIT.

I was first introduced to zazen (the Zen term for just sitting) when I lived in Santa Fe in the mid to late nineties. I would often sit at the Upaya Zen Center in the evenings after work. When I moved to the Bay Area in 2000, life became overwhelming, and just when I needed it most, I stopped sitting.

However, I never stopped thinking about sitting – just like creating – and in 2009, I decided to pull out my zafu and zabuton (sitting cushions). I created a little space in our spare bedroom for my sitting corner.  I’ve been sitting mostly on my own for the past year and occasionally with a group at the Bay Zen Center.

The Retreat

Stone buddha at Spirit Rock, image by Flickr member Everydaybalance, used with Creative Commons License

Last week’s meditation retreat was the first retreat I attended in over 10 years. My very first retreat was a three-day sesshin (Zen retreat) in New Mexico, and from what I recall, my experience was like boot camp compared to what felt like summer camp at  Spirit Rock  last week.

This center is based in the Vipassana form of meditation and has less formalities than Zen so of course, anything compared to a Zen retreat would be like summer camp.

In a word, my recent retreat was wonderful. I could not have asked for a better re-introduction to sitting for extended periods of time. And given my recent block with art-making, creativity as the focus of the retreat was the cherry on top.

We sat for approximately 3 hours, did yoga meditation for an hour, and worked on art journals for 4 hours everyday.  All in contemplative silence.

And each evening our teacher, Anna Douglas, would enlighten us with her wisdom on the dharma and how it related to creativity. Many of us in the retreat (we later learned) were artists who felt blocked by our inner judges and critics, including me. Listening to Anna’s talks reminded us of why we create in the first place.

Quite simply, she reminded us that it is always about the process. She said and it resonated in my core: “We are more like verbs, and less like nouns.”

It is the act of creating and not the creation that I ultimately find joy in. It is the act of sitting here and writing, the act of cooking,  hiking,  swimming,  walking, sharing,  breathing (insert the verb) that ultimately makes me feel whole.

The Space Between Thoughts

The effects of the retreat are a bit difficult to quantify.  I’ve been back for five days and am in the full swing of my daily routines. I have tried to carry the peace and equanimity that I felt during the week. I have made the effort to extend mindfulness beyond the retreat into my everyday life. And yes, that was my ulterior motive: to make everyday life more meaningful.

I have returned to my 30-minute morning sits; the evenings are still challenging but I am making the effort to find time.

The more I sit, the more I readily experience the space between thoughts; that fleeting second when everything is still. And in that stillness, when there is no judgment, no critic, no expectation, no goals, that is when I create.

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1. What my monkey mind looks like

The Artists’ Reception will be Saturday, May 8, 3-5 PM.  The Library’s address is 5366 College Ave in Oakland, phone: 510-597-5017. Hope to see you there!!

I submitted two drawings and am hoping that they’re both up. The drawings are below:

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1. New portrait sketches

But what matters the most to me is that I had fun drawing.

Here they are:

Ambrose

Bruce

Fiona

Sergio

Juan

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Esmerelda, the finished piece

I am one of those people who has the uncanny ability to get in my own way.

I’m good at leaving my slippers in the middle of the room to trip over in the dark of night when I make the bathroom run.  Or leaving the dining room chairs in place as I vacuum around them, knowing full well how much easier (and cleaner!)  it would be to move them.

Or setting up mental blocks that emotionally cripple my creative confidence as I’m about to embark on an artistic journey known as my arty blog.

You get the drift.

I wrote in my journal a couple of weeks ago:

I am incredibly frustrated with myself for my seeming inability to be productive and just start creating. There are no “shoulds”, no “gotta get this done first”, no “first steps” to get to where I want to go.

It is ultimately about intentions and motivation. Let’s get back to basics – let’s remember why we create.

Why do we create? Why do we WANT to create?

Because creating is good for the soul.

If for no other reason, creating reminds me of who I am, and on the best days, I forget who I am. I forget everything and time seems to stop. You know that feeling.

It is a matter of habit. Just like exercise and eating right. It is good for us, for our health and well-being. And just like exercise and eating well, it can be a difficult habit to start but once started, it can very well put us on the path of emotional and  mental well-being.

Despite myself, I still manage to make the art. Now I just need to learn to get out of my own way.

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She started out as a creative block/black but she eventually started to emerge. She also named herself (Esmerelda) as is often the case for most of my creative work.

Esmerelda painting progress 1

Esmerelda painting progress 2

Esmerelda painting progress 3

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Art, music & lyrics by Tanya Davis

The lyrics to this song is exactly how I’m feeling about art right now:

I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world
if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard
just because i like them does that mean i should mic them
and see what might unfurl

i think of the significance of my opinions here
is it significant to be giving them does anybody care
just because i’m into this does that mean i should live like it
and really do i dare

art, art i want you
art you make it pretty hard not too
and my heart is trying hard here to follow you
but i can’t always tell if i ought to

so i pondered the point of my art in this life
if i make it will someone take it and think it’s genuine
will they be glad that i did ’cause they got something good out of it
will they leave me and be any more inspired

i question the outcome of the outpouring of myself
if i tell everyone my stories will this keep me healthy and well
will it give me purpose, to this world some sort of service
is it worth it, how can i tell

art, art…

Visit Tanya Davis’ website.

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A creative block, or black in this case. Out of frustration, I just covered everything.

As much as I wish creative slumps were not a part of my life, I have to face the fact that I am in the middle of one right now. Indeed, I can’t think of a better time to write about overcoming a creative block.

First off, let me say, this sucks! I feel like every thing I’ve made in the past several days has turned into mud and all I can do is push the mud around. If it’s not mud, it’s turned into a black mess. Ack!

If you’re going through a similar experience, here are some methods that may help you to overcome this slump. It’s been working for me so far:

1. Scratch for ideas. I am borrowing Twyla Tharp’s phrase here. I am seeking inspiration everywhere and anywhere – online, on Twitter, on the trail, as I drive. I am keeping myself open to any inkling of spark that will wake my muse from her slumber.

2. Create something you normally wouldn’t make. While wandering online (i.e. scratching), I happened upon the blog of Sharon Tomlinson and one of her videos.

Work in progress from All Norah'S workshop; totally not my style but I am learning loads from this.

Sharon and her videos really appeal to me. She has a very kind, motherly, but stern way about her that made me feel her upcoming online workshop would be just what the doctor ordered!

Also, her art is very different from mine leading me to the conclusion that I will probably make something that I would not create on my own.

3. Get out and meet people. I’ve decided that it was finally time for me to get out and start meeting other artists. Yes, I have a confession: I’ve lived in the Bay Area for 10 years now and I have yet to befriend another artist. Ok, there, I admitted it.

Let me qualify my prior statement with another confession: I haven’t met other artists because I had abandoned my dream of being an artist when I moved to the Bay Area. And for some reason, I never bumped into another artist.

I am learning to live my life again as an artist, and with that comes things like creative blocks!

Right. As I was saying: get out and meet other artists. Artists, writers, musicians, all creative people go through this and they might just be able to help.

4. Journal your way through the slump. I keep a journal that includes both my sketches and my thoughts. It is  my safe haven; the space where I can dump all my worries, stresses, and fears. Grammar and spelling are not required and neither are good sketches. It is a wonderful retreat.

5. Take a break. Perhaps you’ve been spending a bit too much time in the studio and you just need a break.

This is a tough one because the creative habit is one that requires the discipline and ritual of showing up everyday. You can show up to the studio but still not be present. Going through the motions of creating but not feeling the spark can be frustrating and can be counterproductive to the creative process.

That’s when taking the break is important.Take a hike. Play in the garden. Pet the cat. Read a book.

And while you’re on your break, scratch for ideas. Because you still have to show up the next day.

6. Focus on other aspects of your life that you’ve been neglecting. Is there a part of your life wanting and needing your attention?

Personally, I’ve been wanting to develop my entrepreneurial skills because I don’t subscribe to the starving artist model. As luck would have it, I managed to get into Chris Guillebeau’s $100 Business Forum. The forum began this week and so far, it’s been great!

So great in fact that I found myself rejuvenated and back in the studio to work over some of my unfinished pieces.

7. Take a drawing class. I’m a big fan of community colleges and their art departments. I’ve been attending figure and portrait drawing classes in the evenings at my local college for the past year.

Doing this not only forces me to get out of the studio, but it gives me another opportunity to meet other artists. (See number 3 above.)

The beauty of drawing from life is that I am not obligated to draw anything but what’s in front of me.

Just draw. I find that amazingly refreshing!

How do you overcome your artistic block?

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