True Love Waits

Adultery Made Easy

2012-02-14T14:27:11Z

When Moses received the Ten Commandments from God, he probably understood the standard they set would be hard for folks to maintain. That's never really changed—and contemporary culture's technology makes it even easier to go astray under the guise of being "discreet."

For example, this article from the Valentine's Day edition of "USA Today" online, highlights Web sites that specialize in the business of adultery. Ashley Madison, along with similar sites, allow married individuals to create private profiles that can be viewed by other married individuals. The idea is that those who need "more" than their marriages provide can find a "discreet" partner for everything from talking about troubles to sexual relationships.

While the Ashley Madison's founder (who compares setting up extramarital relationships to a sports agent finding international teams for his client) claims his site is helping to save marriages, most of the experts quoted in the article disagree. As one noted,

This idea that you can sneak around and still have this wonderful life is really problematic. Where is the personal accountability? Where is the respect for your relationship? Not every couple is meant to stay together, but ideally you exit a relationship with the same respect as you entered into one.

As I read the article, I was struck by four thoughts . . .

1. Adultery Web sites cater to the lack of restraint that marks our "me-centered" humanity. One customer who used Ashley Madison to cheat on her husband and meet her current husband, providing a telling quote:

I was lonely in my marriage. I wasn't thinking long-term. I didn't want to hurt my family. I was just thinking of me at the time, and because their promotions are all about the discreetness of it, I felt no one was ever going to know.

"I was just thinking of me at the time." That could be a battle cry for many individuals in our microwave society that downplays the benefits of delayed gratification and working hard to find solutions.

2. The idea that affairs actually benefit marriages is built on faulty logic and hypocrisy. The woman quoted above eventually destroyed her first marriage. Instead of strengthening that marriage, her husband was deeply wounded and "kicked her out." That doesn't sound like "adultery as marriage enrichment" worked well in that situation.

Likewise, Ashley Madison's founder and his spouse categorically state that they would never cheat on each other. His wife said, "We wouldn't do it to each other, but we can't judge how somebody wants to live their lives." But that really does beg an important question: If extramarital affairs are so helpful, why the aversion in their own lives? Apparently, their marriage is strong enough that adultery isn't necessary, but other marriages don't have the same potential.

3. The issue is not just adultery. It's the health of current marriages. As one expert noted, "There's a bigger social issue going on—people aren't taking care of their marriages." As believers, we can (and should) stand against the anything-goes message of sites like Ashley Madison. At the same time, we have to do all we can as individuals and churches to strengthen the foundations of the marriages around us.

4. There are theological considerations both adultery facilitators and the experts quoted in the article ignore. At its very essence, adultery is wrong because it violates God's way of doing things. Regardless of the pretty packages in which we might wrap sin, it's still ugly and it still wrecks lives. God's Word does not change, and that has to be our primary filter as Christ followers.

While not every believer is called to marriage, those of us who are have a responsibility to glorify God through our relationships. And, for those of us with children, we have the added responsibility of modeling healthy marriage before our kids. Marriage is hard work, but it is important work.

Much too important to let our culture determine what defines success or failure.

TLW in the News

2012-02-10T18:24:01Z

For many couples, February means Valentine's Day. But for families and leaders in local churches, turning the calendar often includes turning attention to purity and the message of True Love Waits. That interest in TLW has led to some media covera ge during the first few days of the month.

As an example, check out this article about True Love Waits in the Christian Post. If you see other articles related to purity or True Love Waits, don't hesitate to share them with us.

Model Quits Victoria's Secret in Favor of Faith

2012-02-09T21:35:09Z

This video from the "Good Morning, America" Web site includes an interesting interview with former Victoria's Secret model Kylie Bisutti.

The 21-year-old says she decided to leave the company's runway because she was struggling to reconcile her career with her Christian faith. She says the move was a "heart issue" and resulted in a commitment to reserve her body for her husband.

Bisutti also mentions an encounter with a young cousin who was considering starving herself to look more like her older role model.

She wants to continue modeling, but only in more "wholesome" opportunities. A longer version of the interview, including background on Kylie's Victoria's Secret competition, can be found here.

Girls Ministry Conference

2012-01-16T14:53:34Z

Today (January 16) is the last day to get the early-bird registration rate for the LifeWay Girls Ministry Conference, which is set for February 24-25, 2012. For more info about the event, check out this link.

New Sexting Research

2011-12-05T16:25:47Z

The December 12 issue of "USA Today" includes this article related to the true danger of sexting. Earlier studies, which have labeled "less rigorous," found that as many as one in five teens have either sent or received photos showing themselves or another teen either nude or partially nude. New research appearing in the journal "Pediatrics" indicates the numbers are much lower—closer to 2.5 percent.

While this could be encouraging news, it's also good to remember a few things . . .

Teens tend to define things in their own terms. For example, to many teens, oral sex is not really sex, which means it's OK (or at least safer). Even though researchers do their best to define such parameters ahead of time, it's possible that teens might apply their own definitions to what they consider sexually explicit. To find out if that was the case, the research would need a qualitative element that allows teens to respond to open-ended questions rather than relying only on quantitative information that crunches numbers. The "USA Today" article did not indicate if the study included a qualitative aspect or not.

Assuming this information is more accurate and definitive than earlier studies, parents still can't let down their guard. Even if less that three percent of teens are involved, parents must continue monitoring their teens and holding them accountable for their actions. Parents are still the primary spiritual mentors in the lives of teenagers, which means they can't stop pointing teens in the right direction in terms of purity (and any other area of life).

The study seems to compare "unwittingly producing child pornography" to sending images that are merely suggestive or sexual. The implication is that sending "benign" photos that carry sexual undertones is OK, as long as nothing equates to "pornography." In reality, that only creates a slippery slope. Just because something is not "pornographic" by one standard does not make it safe or even right. Again, parents have the responsibility to keep tabs on the activities of their teens and ensure that their children embrace what's righteous, not just what's legal.

Do Benefits Really Have Benefits?

2011-12-02T19:54:55Z

Our friend Brian Housman of Awake to Life shared this link via Twitter from Psychology Today's Web site. The gist of the Q&A column is that our teens' "friends with benefits" culture isn't as beneficial as our kids might think.

Without referring to abstinence or faith, the columnist still makes a strong case for saving sex for a committed marriage relationship. She affirms the emptiness of recreational sex and the need to teach teens how to protect their hearts.

That's something True Love Waits has been encouraging for years and the writer of Proverbs promoted centuries ago: "Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life" (Prov. 4:23).

TLW responds to NYC sex ed plan

2011-11-11T19:44:46Z

Recently, officials in the New York City school decided to move forward with a controversial sex education plan.

To read more about the plan and the response issued by TLW's Dawn Cornelius, visit this link from Baptist Press.

LifeWay National Youth Worker Conference

2011-08-26T15:29:19Z

No Place Like Home . . . For Teen Sex

2011-07-08T18:37:07Z

Our colleagues at Living with Teenagers magazine have blogged about a story that came out recently that challenges what TLW 3.0: A Path of Purity is all about. Here is LWT blog. We would join in seeking your thoughts.

Book Reports

2011-07-08T18:32:44Z

Think you know what your kids are reading? One study indicates your tween or teen may be getting more than you think.

Thanks to Pam Gibbs of LifeWay's Girls Ministry for passing along this article from Fox News on the sexual nature of a growing number of teen-driven books.

Porn Addictions

2011-06-21T17:53:17Z

Earlier this month, U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner of New York resigned his congressional seat in the midst of a sexting scandal. A few days later, Jim Burns of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family, posted a blog response to the events leading up to the congressman’s departure from Washington.

In general, Burns stated that he hoped the scandal would help parents understand the devastating effects of sexting and pornography—especially in a culture where many children have their first encounter with pornography at age 11. But he described these five stages of pornography addiction:

Kids view pornography (their mind takes a picture)
Kids quickly become addicted (their mind craves more)
Kids then escalate the amount of times they view pornography (they increase the amount of porn they view)
Kids become desensitized (what was gross three months (or weeks) ago they now want to view regularly)
Kids act out sexually (first in their minds and then eventually with others)

To read Jim’s entire blog, including steps you can take to protect your teens from pornography, visit the HomeWord site.

Same-sex Research

2011-05-24T15:30:20Z

In the May 24 online edition of USA Today, columnist Michael Medved wrote an interesting analysis of some recent findings concerning the gay community. In a nutshell, Medved said a study by the National Center for Health Statistics and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that the percentage of homosexuals in the United States is much lower than traditionally claimed. Medved said,

While pop-culture frequently cites the figure of one in 10 (based on 60-year-old, widely discredited conclusions from pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey) the new study finds only 1.4% of the population identifying with same-sex orientation.

Medved added that a prominent "think tank" affiliated with UCLA came to similar conclusions and encouraged the gay community to "let go" of the 10 percent statistic. This argument also has been presented by LifeWay Christian Resource's Pam Gibbs in her teen Bible study, Designed by God.

Among other interesting issues raised in the column, Medved also made some strong arguments related to the possibility of "change" in the gay community. He suggests that homosexuals may be displaying a degree of hypocrisy by celebrating the "transformation" of a straight person into a gay lifestyle, while deriding any move in the other direction as a case of repression. Both, he notes, are generally driven by choice, not genetics.

The True Love Waits book, Path of Purity: A Family Guide, offers these specific suggestions for parents whose children may be struggling with sexuality issues:

Be careful about your initial response. Reacting too harshly because of fear or panic may shut doors to further communication.
Don't ignore your child's struggles, but don't focus solely on this issue. Communicate concern, but don't let homosexuality dominate every discussion.
Demonstrate unconditional love. Even if your child chooses to adopt a gay lifestyle, refuse to withdraw your love.
Get professional help for you, your child, and your family. Counseling can help the entire family work through the issue.

Many teens struggle with sexuality questions. Even if your teen does not, he or she may be called on to minister to peers who do. Plus, American culture and media make it impossible to ignore the issue. Best to be prepared for this conversation—or even initiate it.

Living with Teenagers

2011-04-20T14:36:23Z

Why do many girls dress the way they do? One columnist for cnn.com says the parents are responsible—and he makes a good point.

The Living with Teenagers blog and Facebook site each provide a link to the CNN article. Read what this writer has to say, then work with your family to create a game plan for addressing modesty issues with your teenagers—both boys and girls.

Also share your thoughts with us here at the True Love Waits blog. We'd love to hear your take on this article.

Prom Night

2011-04-12T14:53:51Z

Teens may see it as the most important night of their lives. For their parents, it's an evening marked by fears and wild imaginations of what "could be."

It's prom night, and, for many teenagers, it's the focal point of the school calendar. Since prom (or formal or banquet or whatever the actual name might be) is such a big deal with teens, parents need to consider how they can walk their teens through this experience. The contributors of Path of Purity: A Family Guide offer these tips:

Take a stand for modesty, especially if you have a daughter. It may take some extra shopping, but "modest" is available if your look for it.
Offer a "no questions asked" policy for picking up your teen at any point in the evening. Even good events can spiral into dangerous situations. Your teen may be innocent or guilty, but he or she needs to know that you will come to the rescue with no condemnation. Get him or her to a safe place and allow some time for things to settle down before unpacking the situation.
Emphasize guidelines for proper behavior toward members of the opposite sex. Reinforce earlier discussions about respect and honor and challenge your teen to practice these qualities—even if it means going against the grain.
Discuss the importance of wise decisions and the potential consequences of poor decisions. Encourage your teenager to keep a future focus and to understand how decisions made in an unguarded moment can change a life forever.
Communicate with other parents. Create a network to enforce boundaries and ensure safety. Help each know where the teens are and what they're doing each step of the way.
Communicate with the school. Find out what the school is offering, what boundaries it will be setting, and what safeguards are being put into place.

For more on prom and parenting, listen to Bob Bunn's conversation with Harold Harper during a recent "For Faith & Family" radio show. You also can find some helpful articles in the April 2011 issue of Living with Teenagers.

Teen Birth Rate Drops to Record Low

2011-04-07T14:06:41Z

The teen birth rate in the U.S. dropped 37 percent over the last two decades to a record low, with the most substantial decrease — 50 percent — coming among African-American girls. Overall, approximately 4 percent of girls ages 15 to19 gave birth in 2009

This is great news! Click here for the entire article.

For further information, be sure to click the links to other blog posts at the bottom of the CitizenLink site. Really good information found there as well.