I remember when the initials WOW had women flashing their fine titties at random pervs on the street.  Now the only people who get turned on by those initials are guys aching for their next game of World of Warcraft.

Well, here at TSB we’re going to kick it Opie and Anthony old school and bring back Whip it Out Wednesdays by featuring some of the hottest women on the internet.

Hot Links

UFC’s New Ring Girl is Smoking Hot: Cage Potato

This is What Herpes Looks Like in a Dress: Don Chavez

Melissa Anne Teixeira, aka HemiGirl, will be on Howard Stern as a contestant for Miss Howard TV: In Game Now

I Love Me a Hot Indiana Model: Hail Mary Jane

Playboy MILF Lisa Neeld Bringing Implants To Mahoning Valley Scrappers Game On $1 Beer Night: Busted Coverage

Karrine “Superhead” Steffans Gives Relationship Advice On The Today Show: Buzz Cuts

Mid-Week Boob Grabbing Fun: Funstacus

Hayden Panettiere is the hottest midget alive: On205th

Brook Hogan is the Hotness of the Day: Wii Hotties

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The dark inspiration to write this article came after stalking a group of freshmen girls and overhearing a comment to the effect of “I hate my life, there’s nothing to do at my college!”  Like a pack of dogs barking Christmas carols this was sweet music to my ears.  Why?  Because people’s misery is funny.  Funny like pushing a 90-year-old woman down a flight of stairs funny.  Sorry JAP-pack but you picked a college in the boondocks, not Long Island. So get used to getting down and dirty, higher education style (with emphasis on the dirty).

Or take these highfalutin freshmen dudes, strutting around like they’re cool guys of some sort, when I know full well their weekends consist of sitting in their room, riding the red eye express with a box of Kleenex in one hand and a high school year book in the other. Worse still are these girls who have “boyfriends” back home.  Newsflash toots: As you read these words Prince Charming is getting’ busy with some 800-pound hungry, hungry hippo he met in his Community College “Spelling101″ class.  Truth hurts, but don’t look so down, you have one sarcastic humor writer here for emotional support.

For the remainder of the non-mutants out there, you may find yourself wondering if there’s more to college than sucking the alcohol out of sewers passed off as bars.  Maybe you’re waiting for that gigantic Kool-Aid jug to suddenly break through your dorm room wall screaming “Oh yea, oh yea!” and than escort you to a good frat party.  Perhaps you’re attempting to meet “that someone” on the Internet.  Sure, plenty of people make that special connection online, and they’re called pedophiles.

The sad reality of your life to come in these upcoming months will consist of taking cabs driven by psychotic hobos to the filthiest dumps known to mankind, where you will then partake in chugging stale beer with the decay of society (this being a 50 year old man named Carl, who’s collection of “Girls Gone Wild” videos has inspired him to think that even he, an obese unemployed construction worker, can get his freak on with a “crazy” college chick).  That run-on sentence isn’t meant to sound condescending; in fact, we’ve all found our social lives approaching “dismal stasis” including your humble narrator. Below is a personal anecdote of my freshmen year.

It started when I decided it was high time for a good bender, which entails me being ripped to the tits by sundown.  Wasting no time, I began shootin’ shots like it was the Wild West and soon, like the greatest Western of all time, my hookup standards dropped from “good” to “bad” to “ugly”.  Thus, the evening was progressing auspiciously as my last conscious memory was of my roommate gluing assorted lunch meat to his body.  Upon waking the next morning (naked as a jaybird I might add) elated, I asked my friends, “So guys, last night was got pretty wild.  Fill me in on all the crazy things I did,” and the response to my dismay was “Sorry to break it to you dude, but you passed out at 8 o’clock.”

Ouch.

Hey, maybe I’m being too judgmental.  Maybe freshmen’s attitudes have changed since I graduated college.  Possibly you guys like partying with the homeless.  Maybe the ever-popular Rave scene puts the “roof” in your “roofie” for all you date-rapists out there.  Like the saying goes “different strokes for different folks” or more fitting in this situation “different bums for different chums (who date rape people).”  I just hope the freshmen know that this wasn’t always the situation.

While the story I’m about to tell may seem like a fallacy, you must believe every word I write - for I swear on the garbage can I came from that it’s the truth. It all began with a group of men with a single dream, that dream being: to get underage kids inebriated.  So, they opened magical places where the “You must prove you’re 21″ sign on the door was like a big inside joke amongst friends.  No one cared how old or how young you were, how much class you lacked, or even if you were wearing pants; the only thing that mattered was you loosing the ability to walk by the time you left.

Then the unthinkable happened.  In the past, nothing could shatter these institutions of inebriation mission to intoxicate the local youth who came with intents to leave in stretchers.  Police, health inspectors, not even Al-Qaeda could deter the savageness.  Than the Liquor Authority, or as I refer to them the “Hatabators”, started cracking down.  Probably tipped off by the hordes of Power Wheels and tricycles parked out front, they staked these places out and busted in like the Gestapo. Sadly, drunks sang to them like Bono with a bad case of genital warts, and thus the doors of these glorious pubs closed forever.

I’m really too lazy to write out a conclusion paragraph, so um leave comment or I’ll eat your face.  Rock on 80s VH1 Flashback style!

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The ad - and who’s mouth wouldn’t start watering at the image of a pig cutting open its own stomach? - comes from RetroComedy.com, who put together a fantastic list of the creepiest vintage ads of all time. And man, are they creepy. Here’s another handful:

Nothing says the holidays like giving the entire family a whole set of guns!

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Let’s face it; talking to a beautiful woman does not come easily to too many of us.  In fact, so much of our energy and anxiety is deplored just gathering up the courage to approach her, that by the time the conversation begins we’re burnt out and can’t think of a damn thing to say.

Holding a fun and flirtatious conversation with a woman does not need to be difficult.  But I can tell you right now, that if you start talking to a woman, and quickly find yourself asking her a lot of questions about her job, school, if she has pets, or any other type of questions that even vaguely resemble stuff that would be on a job application- you’re dead in the water.

So I’ve put together a list of nine ways to make sure that you’re having conversations filled with fun and banter- and ultimately escalate you toward your goal of sleeping with her.

9 Skills for Better Conversations With Women (1-3)

1.  Avoid asking too many questions…  instead make statements

After breaking the ice with a woman, most guys will immediately start bombarding her with questions.  These questions usually tend to be boring “get to know you” questions… you know, the same sort of questions your aunt will ask you at a family party.

Asking too many questions not only bores her, but it will also prevent her from actually engaging in the conversation.  What usually happens is men will jump from question to question, without ever having the sense to expand upon a topic you can tell she loves to talk about.

Try this instead:

Any time you are talking to a woman and you ask her a question… follow up her answer with a statement rather than simply moving on to the next question.  This not only shows that you are listening to her, but also shows that you can connect at a different level.  And will usually open up the conversation to move toward more fun or intimate topics.

You:  So do you have any pets?

Her:  Yea, I actually have three of the cutest cats in the world.

You:  Mmm…. So you are one of those women with cats, huh?  (sly smile)

Her:  Stop it.. haha… no I’m not one of those crazy cat women… I just love my cats.

You:  They say people who like cats tend to me more independent than dog lovers….

As you can see, just by following up the question with a statement, you are able to expand on the topic and bring a little fun and banter to the conversation.

2.  Qualify her

Once a man senses any sort of rapport with a woman, he immediately becomes scared shitless of breaking that rapport or saying anything that will damage his chances of moving forward.  So he stays on “safe” topics. Unfortunately, this tends to work counter-productive… and usually winds up boring a woman that was previously interested.

Try this instead:

Once you sense that you’ve sparked a woman’s interest a little bit begin qualifying her with questions or statements that place you in the role of “the selector.”

This means you will make a statement that may disqualify her as potential lover…

Let’s use the cat example from above to demonstrate:

You:  So do you have any pets?

Her:  Yea, I have three of the cutest cats in the world.

You:  mmmm… We would never get along.  I’m a dog person, and what I’ve heard is that dog and cat owners tend to have a really intense sexual connection… but disagree on every other possible point.

As you can see, you took a “safe” topic like pets and were able to bring an element of sexuality to the conversation.  Not only that, but by making the statement “we would never get along” you’re now placing the burden of approval seeking on her.

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While in a meeting early last week, I got a text message that read: “my grandfather just died.”  Because I was bored with the meeting anyway, I was eager to get the text message but I was unprepared for what followed.

James Jones was my best friend’s grandfather. He was crass, humorous and exciting all at the same time.

And then he was dead.

Funeral arrangements had to be made and I had to figure out how was I going to be there for my friend and what was I going to wear to the funeral.

I’ve probably been to more than your average amount of funerals in my lifetime. And every time, I went through a huge conflict dealing with what to wear.

Let’s face it - those churches can be hot, especially during a summer funeral.

Some families suggest that you wear white, while others call for the traditional black.

It is almost always hard to know what the status quo is until you hit the pew and see what everyone else is wearing.

The funeral is about the loved one who passed away - but it is for the family that lost that loved one.

What’s the best thing to do? Wear something that is a true testament to the person who is no longer with us.

In my case, I had an easy task. James Jones was a man’s man. He worked all his life - he liked to relax with a nice cold beer, and he loved and took care of is family until the day he died.

He liked to listen to Curtis Mayfield and Jay Z all in one sit in. He drove one of those big trucks that looked like every boy’s toy truck that they got for Christmas. He had an infectious laugh and his personal style was classic - slacks and a basic button down.

That was it.

For the funeral, I would keep it classic just as he did everyday.

That meant affordable clothing - perhaps something that I already had in my closet.

Funerals always bring with them a sense of longing to see the person laid out in front of you alive and well once more.

They are also a place to be seen and people often take that opportunity and run with it.

Here are some things to stay away from in funeral wardrobe:

1. Shorts: Shorts are unacceptable in every way shape and form where funerals are concerned. Dressing for a funeral is a lot different than dressing for the beach.
2. Anything with crazy patterns: People are trying to concentrate on the service and the lost loved one. Walking around looking like a jigsaw puzzle is a bad idea.
3. Red Socks: If your pants are tailored correctly, when you sit, your socks should be shown - not a lot, just a little. This is fine, but red socks or any other color other than the color of the shirt, or tie is unacceptable.
4. No flashy jewelry: This includes belt buckles, watches, neckwear, and earrings. Guys, anything that glitters you probably shouldn’t wear anyway. Seriously.

Nothing is, as it seems - especially with funerals. The tears, laughter, even the eulogy is all a representation of what people want it to be - not necessarily how it is. Then there are some rare occasions where the passing of a loved one is done in the truest fashion.

This column is dedicated to James Jones - the realest of the real.

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Now that Lindsay Lohan is certifiably crazy, Hollywood needs a new redheaded girl next store… My vote is for Deborah Ann Woll. Deborah plays Jessica Hamby on True Blood, a young vampire “made” by one of the main characters. Innocent Jesus-love -me chick turned evil sex crazed vampire? Sounds like a productive transition to me.

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There’s a world of iPhone apps out there vaster even than the American attention span for reality TV. Everywhere you turn there’s a new game, a new tool, a new doo-hickey to fill up your finite quantity of GBs. So now is the time to choose wisely. But since intelligent decisions aren’t as much a part of human nature as the propensity to download as many iPhone apps as possible, we’ve gotten choosy for you.

1. Pandora
   My favorite music website is now available on the iPhone to help discover more music akin to my already acknowledged favorites. Thank you, Pandora, for introducing me to Handsome Furs.
2. Shazam
   Do not spend hours trying to figure out the song name or artist after hearing that one song on the radio, at the club, or in the grocery store, as I did with “No Games” by Serani for six months. Just Shazam it.
3. WritingPad
   Like a writing pad but less crinkle-able.
4. Pageonce Personal Assistant
   If you’ve always wanted an assistant but could never afford one, this app is almost as good, though perhaps not as personable, as a recent college grad desperate for work in a troubled economy.
5. City Transit
   This navigator will keep you from ever having to do the most stereotypically emasculating thing in the entire world: asking for directions.
6. Air Hockey
   All the fun of the real deal without the threat of getting your fingers smashed by flying pucks.
7. Ocarina
   If it weirds you out that this app makes touching on your iPhone like playing the wood flute, you’re not alone. Ocarina is like the Kindle of musical instruments but cooler.
8. One Hundred Pushups
   Like a less annoying (not to mention expensive) motivational coach to help you reach your fitness goals.
9. Yelp
   Find the best bars, restaurants, and clubs according to the computered masses.
10. Tee-Shot
    Golf cards look like relics of the pre-Tiger era with this bad boy.

On this evening, all men will be greeted in their own separate zone outside the gates, with only female fans permitted inside until the game is official at the 5th inning mark .

So you got two options here, fellas: Either hang out in the parking lot, wait until that 5^th inning comes around, opening the gates for you and your fellow hornballs to run into an actual stadium full of nothing but women. Or, and this is obviously the better option, get your way in ahead of time “Ladybugs”-style!

I guess there is technically a third option, which is to get a job at the ballpark and be willing to dress in “full female attire”.

In an attempt to either not break (or at least blur) the gender barrier, all male Renegades employees will be dressed in full female attire. Ex Yankee pitcher, and current Renegades Director of Concessions, Joe Ausanio, has made a living using his arm.  After this night, however, the Renegades fear he will be known for his legs. Gades head groundskeeper, Tom “Hubby” Hubmaster,  not often known for his svelte physique or runway duds, will fill out a moo-moo better than Roseanne ever could, a sight you simply cannot afford to miss.

Hooray for tranny hot dog vendors!

In any case, don’t expect something like this to happen again anytime soon. No doubt that litigious jerk Alfred G. Rava is going to do his best to stand up for us males. Just because we have schlongs, doesn’t mean we should be ignored!

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It’s getting hot out there, which means several things. One: you are probably spending more on bottled water. Two: You are probably using more deodorant. Or so we hope. Three: You’re probably seeing a lot of skin, which brings us to the next point. You are probably wondering how much skin to show yourself. You see girls running around in tank tops and short shorts. You see some guys running around in tank tops and short shorts. But if you’re like most guys, you may be a bit hesitant to show a little leg, even if it’s ninety degrees out.

Let me preface this by saying that I am generally not particularly keen on men’s shorts. This is not because I think that girls have nicer legs than men. I’m sure you’ve seen some of the cellulite jobs running around in Daisy Dukes. It’s because so many guys wear poorly fitted shorts.

I see many men wear shorts which could hardly be considered short, so much as shorter than pants. Mid-calf length lower body apparel is for the kind of man that can’t make his mind up about what to wear. Be decisive!

Besides the fact that ambiguous shorts are, well, ambiguous, they make legs look stumpy. And needless to say, stumpy isn’t an adjective that you necessarily want associated with any of your bodily extremities.

Obviously too short shorts aren’t all that flattering either, not to mention a bit claustrophobic for your manhood. A good rule to go by when selecting shorts is to mark one hand’s width from above and below your knee. If the shorts fall in between these two lines, you should be within the realm of proper length.

Another important consideration? Material. I can’t explain why, I can’t rationalize or provide sound logical reasoning, but denim shorts should not be worn. They are cheesy. I don’t care the wash. I don’t care if they once belonged to Burt Reynolds. Just don’t wear them.

Stick with khaki, linen, or cotton. These are classic and should look good with a crisp white button up, polo, or T-shirt.

Last but not least, pay attention to your footwear. You can’t just put any old things on your feet. While normally I’m a huge fan of boots, I can’t condone the shorts with boots combination. If it’s hot enough to be wearing shorts, it’s too hot to be wearing boots. Stick to sandals, low-top sneakers, or canvas slip-ons.

So slap on some proper shorts, a T-shirt, some summery shoes, and get ready for a pleasant breeze around your calves.

Here are some highlights from his punishing defeat of Frank Mir:

Afterwards, acting as his former WWE bad guy character, Lesnar insults fans, sponsors, and Frank Mir.  I love it, this is just what the UFC needs… some really hateable heels:

Brock Lesnar’s Apology Video

In other MMA News…