Westeros’s favorite boy band is marching north. Tormund calls Winterfell the south.Tormund is hilarious. He is stealing the Best Line title away from Bronn in this scene. When Gendry asks him how he keeps warm, he replies, “Walking’s good. Fighting’s better. Fucking’s best.” When it’s pointed out that there isn’t a woman within 100 miles of here, he coyly replies, “We’ll have to do with what we’ve got.” I LOVE TORMUND.

Gendry doesn’t appreciate being sold to Smokey Vajayjay by the Brotherhood. The Hound points out that Gendry didn’t die, so what’s he whinging about. I have no idea how to spell whinging, but it basically means whining.

Lots of good lines here. Jon tells Jorah he’s glad Ned Stark never caught him. Jorah smoothly replies, “Me too.”Jon gives Longclaw to Jorah. Jon’s the best. Jorah gives it back. Guys, one of you please keep that sword. It’s valyrian steel and you’re headed to the White Walkers.

Arya is casting shade on Sansa. She reads Sansa’s letter to Robb from when Sansa asked Robb to come to King’s Landing and bend the knee. Arya is basically calling Sansa Fredo. Sansa wants to know what Arya’s going to do with the letter. This isn’t going to end well.

Arya’s one arrow that she had to keep picking up and carry back her firing point story sounds like she’s telling Sansa her planned commencement address when she speaks to this year’s grads at Winterfell U.

Back to the North Boys. North Boyz? North Boyz. The Hound and Tormund are talking. Well, Tormund is talking and the Hound is doing everything he can to get out of the conversation, but it only eggs Tormund on further. Whoever wrote this episode loves Tormund. Tormund is like Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy.  No subtlety. It’s great. And he gets another best line candidate when the Hound asks how a mad fucker like him has lived this long. Tormund’s reply: “I’m good at killing people”

Beric starts up a conversation with Jon.”You don’t look much like him, your father” Yeah, duh, because Ned isn’t his dad. The funny thing is that Catlyn always thought Jon did look like Ned. It was all she saw. But maybe that was her pain talking. Beric is a dumb name. I’m going back to calling him One Eye. When Jon quote the Night’s Watch creed of being shields defending the realms of men, One Eyes says, “Maybe that’s enough.” Maybe That’s Enough should be the title of North Boyz’s first single.

Dany tells Tyrion that she likes him because he’s not a hero. You’ve got a real way with words there, Dany. When Tyrion asks her to name some heroes, Dany only names people who are in love with her. Tyrion is quick to point that out. After Tyrion teases her about Jon, he second guesses her decision for killing the Tarleys again. Then he wants to know who gets the Iron Throne in case Dany dies. This isn’t going well with his boss. Boy, Tyrion just keeps getting poor performance reviews.

Back to the North Boyz. It is snowing! Who’s walking ahead? Why would anyone walk that far ahead? Dude’s like 20 feet ahead of everyone.  Tormund spots a bear in the distance. Apparently, the lead guy doesn’t because he keeps walking after everyone stops. Gendry asks if bears have blue eyes. How the hell did Gendry see the color of the bear’s eyes in the snow at that distance? Welp, lead guy went down fast. He became a meal for the zombie bear. Who was that guy, anyway? North Boyz brought some extras. Should we call those guys the opening act? One Eye and Thoros light their swords on fire. Fire swords at the ready! If you’ve got metal swords that can ignite, why would you ever not have them ignited? Cue the angry fan boys in the comments with why I’m idiot and their swords igniting is a trick and I’m not a real fan and yadda yadda yadda.

After slicing into the zombie bear with fire swords, do you know what you get? Flaming zombie bear! Way to make the zombie bear scarier, Thoros and One Eye! Flaming zombie bear charges the Hound. The Hound freezes up. Thoros pushes him out of the way and gets a nasty flaming zombie bear bite as a reward. Tormund tries saving Thoros but is knocked back. Jorah charges in and stabs the flaming zombie bear with a dagger. Jorah’s arm catches fire. Arm on fire? No problem for Friendzone! Damn Jorah, why aren’t you this badass when Dany is watching?

Thoros is hurting. Jorash says to get him back to Eastwatch. Thoros won’t go. He just guzzles some wine or mead. One Eye cauterizes his wound and they keep moving.

Littlefinger and Sansa are meeting. Sansa is worried about Arya and that letter. Littlefinger has “no idea” how Arya got the letter. Wink. Wink. “No idea” “at all.” Nudge. Nudge. Sansa is worried that Arya will turn Jon’s army against her. Look at Littlefinger worming his way back in Sansa’s life. This fucking guy.

Oh damn. The North Boyz spot the dead army, who are marching single files. That’s quite the orderly formation, dead army. This really is like the worst plan ever. How do you cherry pick one zombie off that line without every other zombie coming after you?

A White Walker comes upon their fire. C’mon guys… Oh wait, ha, it’s a trap. Time to rumble! Jon slices through the White Walker and all the zombies go down with him. Whoa! They’re like vampires. Kill the vampires who made the made some vampires and they die too…depending on which vampire book you’re reading. (Cue the angry Anne Rice fans telling us “Well, here’s how vampires really are…”) Correction. All the zombies go down except one. They try to corral him. Tormund cold cocks him and the Hound jumps on him. The zombie screams like my toddler does when she wants milk. Jon’s like “Uh-oh, who heard that?” Hurry up and hogtie him cause there’s more where that came from! Jon’s tells Genrdry to run, get to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dany. Go! Tormund takes his hammer. “You’re faster without it.” Good point. Plus, it is a bitchin’ warhammer. They all run from the horde. Uh oh. The frozen lake is cracking. Uh oh. It’s all frozen lake in every direction. Oh hey, an undead horde is behind them! Hmm cracks or zombies? Run! Run! Run! Run. Damn, zombies are fast! Zombies are overtaking the North Boyz and flanking them. The Boyz get surrounded fast.  Someone falls back. Who? Damn this is stressful. And now they’re surrounded. The ice cracks all around them. Zombies pour into the water like lemmings. The zombies realize going under isn’t the best plan and stop at the crack. Um…The zombies are like 10 deep now in every direction. Oh, they fucked.

Meanwhile, Gendry runs. Hopefully no one is behind him. Or in front of him. Gotta work on that cardio Gendry.

The Boyz are waiting it out. This isn’t looking good.

Gendry passes out practically at the door of Eastwatch! What the hell? Get up, Gendry!!!!  Dude, you’re lik e 30 feet for the finish line. Davos runs out to him. Gendry says, “We need to send a raven.”

Jon and the Boyz are still waiting it out with their newest member, Growly. Hound kicks Growly. All the rest of the undead murmur. Interesting. It’s like The Walking Dead meet Tomax and Xamot. Thoros is dead. Uh, they gotta chop off his head or burn him. Hound takes his wine and starts swigging. Guys, he’s about to become a zombie. Jon finally says they have to burn his body and takes the wine from the Hound.

One Eye does his sword on fire trick and they burn Thoros. Man, that trick always looks cool. Jorah tells Jon that they’ll all freeze soon, and so will the water. He says this as he walks away from campfire Thoros. Jorah wants to go for the Walkers to kill the zombies. One Eye is like let’s just kill the Night King. Sure, that’s easy. Super easy.

Sansa gets an invitation to King’s Landing. She’s not a dope, so she’s not going. Sansa is sending Brienne instead. I’m suddenly torn between my shipping of Brienne and Tormund, and my shipping of Brienne and Jaime. Brienne says it’s not safe to leave Sansa with Littlefinger. Why is Sansa insisting on sending her away? Is it because she’s worried Brienne will take out Arya if Arya tries something?

Dany, Tyrion and the dragons. Dany’s about to fly off to save Jon. Because love. Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. It’s too risky. Bee tee dubs, cool White Walker jacket, Dany. Side note: it’s weird seeing someone not dressed in black this season. Dany’s flying with all three dragons. Oh boy. Dragon express!

…And more waiting up north. Have all of the opening act died yet? The Hound is bored. He starts a snowball fights with the zombie. They don’t play along. The next rock he throws falls short. It doesn’t break the ice.Uh oh. The zombies notice that too. One starts walking forward. Then another. And another.  Additional side note: flaming swords are cool. Did I mention that five times already? Possibly. The battle begins and I am stressed. Stressed!

The Hound throws down his giant hammer to start hitting zombies with a small ax instead. Sounds like a solid plan there.

Tormund is being overrun like he’s in the Opening Act and not the North Boyz proper. John calls for everyone to fall back. No, no letting Tormund die! Tormund is being piled on by zombies. They’re crawling up through the ice and start dragging him down. The Hound saves him! Oh man, that was intense! The dead keep charging. Another extra dies and welp, he’s a zombie. Jon is pissed. This is quickly looking like the Alamo. Westeros’s favorite boy band fights in slo mo, because SLO MO IS COOL.

Dragon time! Oh yeah, get you a girl who does both! Zombies hit the water as the ice melts. There are so many zombies that the dragons are breathing a lot of fire and still not getting them all. Dany reaches for Jon, but Jon tries to save everyone else. He fights off the zombies while everyone climbs up on Drogon’s back. A White Walker hands the Night King an ice lance. He just straight walks up nonchalantly to the heroes from the sid, throws the ice lance and OH SHIT, DEAD DRAGON!! Oh fuck! Oh damn! Does that mean…zombie dragon?  The dragon falls under the ice. Everyone is shocked.

Jon and the Night King stare each other down. The White Walker at the Night King’s side prepares another lance. Jon yells, “Go now! Leave” and fights off the zombies approaching Dany and company. Dany doesn’t want to leave. But she can’t lose another dragon. Jon’s tackled through the ice and under the water. Drogon takes off. The Night King narrowly misses this throw. Jorah falls off Drogon’s back, but is caught by Tormund. Nice to see he’s put the whole hating Jorah’s dad thing behind him.

Dany’s still in shock. Totally understandable. She just lost one of her kids. And one of her keys to winning back the Seven Kingdoms. Looks like fans can stop theorizing who is going to be riding the third dragon. Too soon?

Jon climbs out of the freezing water. Thankfully, Longclaw is still on the ice and not sunk at the bottom of this frozen lake. Also thankfully, the horde of zombies and their bosses have all started to depart. But then they notice him. Uh-oh. Jon’s in no condition to fight. Not like that will stop him. He’s half frozen and can barely lift his sword. But he stands his ground. All of a sudden, a rider with a flaming mace cuts through the zombies. It’s Uncle Benjen! He throws Jon on his horse and tells him to ride for the pass. Jon tells him to come with him, but Benjen says there’s no time. This is Benjen’s last stand. He’s quickly overtaken, but provides enough of a distraction for Jon to get away. Jon rides home near dead.

The rest of the North Boyz throw the captured zombie in a boat. The Hound is taking the zombie alone, it seems. Dany is watching her three two dragons from up high at Eastwatch. Jorah says it’s time to go. Dany wants to wait a bit longer. Then a horn blares. A rider is approaching! It’s Jon! Oh, Dany was looking for any signs of Jon when she was looking out from that tower. Where’s Ed Sheeran when you need him? Cue the acoustic guitar, Ser Teddy. Dany keeps vigil over a passed out Jon Snow.

Down south in Winterfell, Sansa snoops around Arya’s room. She finds Arya’s faces. Arya catches her. Hey Arya, that dead-eyed, monotone composure? Not the best way for talking to people who are already stressed out with you. Arya wants to play the Game of Faces with Sansa, meaning Arya wants to hit Sansa with a stick. Damn girls, you’re being played by Littlefinger! Arya explains the faces to Sansa and sounds 100% looney tunes while she’s doing it. She grabs a knife and says that she can even become Sansa. She’s really channeling Nic Cage’s “I want to take his face…off” speech from Face Off here. She flips the knife, gives it to Sansa by the handle and stalks off.

Jon wakes up to Dany standing over him. She’s back in black. Jon apologizes. He’s the reason one of her children is dead. Dany isn’t sorry. She needed to see the army of the dead, the White Walkers and the Night King to believe. Dany pledges that they’ll destroy the Night King and his army together. Jon thanks her, and calls her Dany. Apparently no one has called her Dany on this show since her brother and things didn’t end well for him. Yikes. No one show her this blog.

Jon calls Dany Danearys his queen. He’d bend the knee, but he’s not in the best shape right now. Dany is holding his hand during this. They both notice and it’s slightly awkward. Just kiss already, you fools!

The Night King’s army reenact the opening scene of the Les Miserables movie and use giant, heavy chains to pull out the dragon from the icy depths! The Night King touches the dragon on its head. The dragon blinks its eyes open and they turn icy blue. Zombie Dragon! AHHHHHH! To quote Bronn at the beginning of the last episode, “We’re fucked.”

I like that they’re not putting much text in the synopsis on HBO GO. Not that I’d read it anyway, but it’s nice that they’re not trying to spoil things as I’m about to watch the episode. There are few things worse than accidentally reading too much synopsis info before you watch an episode for the first time. Okay, there are many things worse than that, but I’m just not a fan of spoilery synopsises.

Ooh, the title is Eastwatch. That’s the weak point in The Wall, right? We’re about to see Redbeard go to town against some White Walkers, aren’t we? I certainly hope so.

I’ve spent most of the past week telling people that I really hope Jaime doesn’t die. I know that the Lannisters are one of the bad guys on this show, but Jaime has joined Tyrion as likable Lannisters. Sure, he was a shit in season one, but a lot has changed since then. Yes, yes, he’s still banging his sister, I never said he was perfect.

Bronn lives! Jaime lives! Yayyy! Remember, you can’t spell Bronn without bro. Bronn is the best. Oh, Jaime was aiming for Dany last episode, not Drogon? For some reason, I thought Jaime was trying to shove a spear down the dragon’s throat. When Jaime says I have to tell Cersei about the dragons, Bronn says you may as well jump back in that river. Best Line Bronn strikes again!

Tyrion inspects the charred remains of the battlefield. Dothraki are scavenging. They’ve taken some prisoners too. People survived that attack who weren’t named Jaime or Bronn? I’m amazed. Damn, Drogon is big. I mean huge. Dany offers the captured men the option of bending a knee and living, or dying. At first not many do, but after one roar from Drogon, only a handful, including Lord Randyll Tarley and Dickon/Rickon. Dickon chooses to die alongside his father. Tyrion tries talking Dany out of killing both father and son. Um, Tyrion, why are you second guessing your boss in front of everyone? Would you do this if she was a man? The Tyrells both burn. After that, everyone bends the knee.

Jaime fills in Cersei on what happened. Jaime’s like “We’rrrreee fuckkkkkked.” Jaime also tells Cersei about Olenna’s confession. She doesn’t believe him at first, but when she does, she agrees with me from last week, Olenna should have died a bloody death after making that revelation.

Jon comes face to face with Drogon. Drogon comes screaming at Jon and gets up in his face. Jon reaches out a hand and pets Drogon. Dany looks like she’s in love. It just occured to me that Dany talks about her dragons being her children the same way that crazy cat ladies refer to their cats.

Jon and Dany are interrupted by the return of Friendzone! Dany calls him a friend twice in two minutes. Friendzone looks good. Dany gives him a friendly hug which he totally takes the wrong way. Classic Friendzone.

Bran is looking at the world through the eyes of ravens flying north. They fly to The Wall, and past it. They fly over the army of the dead. It’s like The Walking Dead meets D&D. The Night King stares at the ravens and they all break formation, knocking Bran out of his vision.

Down in Maestertown, the maesters are discussing Bran’s letter about the army of the dead. They’re quick to dismiss it. The maesters suck. They’re quick to dismiss everything. They are written like the classic stereotype of academics being stuck in their ivory towers not experiencing life out in the real world. They’re great at bureaucracy.

Tyrion and Varys are in agreement, neither is a fan of the burning Dany just did. Varys is doing a good job of filling Tyrion’s mind with doubts about Dany. What’s his angle?

Jon gets a scroll letting him know that Arya and Bran are alive and that the army of the dead is marching on Eastwatch. Tyrion suggests capturing a member of the dead army and bringing it to Cersei. They’re trying to figure out how to get one, and Friendzone is like, “I got this.” Friendzone totally sees the way Dany is looking at Jon. Bold move, FZ.

Up in Winterfell, all the lords are already willing to turn their backs on Jon and support Sansa. Meanwhile, Arya has become such a weird, little psycho. I remember when she was one of my favorites. That was the case all the way through last season. Now that she’s back in Winterfell, she comes across like a stalkery psychopath. She’s also a little too weirded out about Sansa taking mom and dad’s room at Winterfell.

Davos and Tyrion sneak into King’s Landing. Wait, aren’t they doing this out of order? Shouldn’t they have the zombie soldier first and then sneak into King’s Landing.

Bronn facilitates a meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. Good thing you saved Jaime’s life at the beginning of this episode, Bronn.

Davos heads to Fleabottom, the Tenderloin of King’s Landing. Who’s that faceless swordmaker? Could it be? It is! Gendry! Davos wants to grab Gendry. Gendry has a badass warhammer and is ready to roll. Uh oh, soldiers spot them as they’re about to get in their boat. This is Davos at this best. When Davos is in smuggler mode, he turns into Lando Calrissian. Fermented crab! I love it! The gold cloaks spot Tyrion making his way back. When the men are dead set on not taking any more bribes, Gendry introduces them to his warhammer. It’s a quick and final introduction.

Qyburn is on his way out of Cersei’s chambers when Jaime approaches. Jaime tells Cersei about meeting with Tyrion. It’s met with silence. Which is met with more silence. Cersei already knew about his meeting with Tyrion. Nothing escapes this queen’s notice in King’s Landing anymore. Cersei wants Jaime to punish Bronn for letting this meeting happen. Sure, it’s not like Bronn just saved Jaime’s life at the start of this episode. Cersei then tells Jaime she’s preggers. She says she’s going to tell everyone it’s Jaime’s. They kiss. Gross. Not just because they’re brother and sister.

Davos is all like “Don’t tell anyone your name. Don’t tell anyone who you dad is.” to Gendry. Gendry’s like “okay,” and then immediately tells Jon who he is. Gendry wants to go north with Jon.

Tyrion trolls Jorah for a bit.I missed these two together.

When Dany looks at Jon, she looks like she’s listening to an Ed Sheeran song. Why isn’t Ed in the boat strumming an acoustic guitar for this scene??

It’s been so long since we’ve seen Sam’s girlfriend that I don’t even remember her name. She asks Sam what an annulment is and then drops a knowledge bomb on Sam and all of us! Rhaegar got an annulment and immediately remarried! Sam completely doest not a hear a words she’s saying because he’s seething at the bureaucracy of the maesters. He goes out and steals a bunch of books and scrolls from the library. Such a bad boy that Sam. Sam, Gilly, (! That’s her name! Took me a minute…) and Gilly’s son ride out of town. Sam says he tired of reading about the achievements of better men. Yeahhh, Sam!

Littlefinger is paying some lady for information. Arya is fully bathed in light as she spies on him, but when he looks, she’s gone. She follows him all over the city, not doing the best job at trying to stay hidden. But stay hidden she does.  Arya breaks into Littlefinger’s room. She finds a scroll that Littlefinger hid in his mattress. It’s that letter that Sansa wrote to Robb at Cersei’s behest. Oh, you just got played, Arya. Littlefinger wanted you to find it!

Yay, Tormund is back! Tormund brings Jon and friends to a cell where The Hound, Beric and Thoros are sitting. They also want to go north of the wall. Problem: Grendy hates Beric. Redbeard doesn’t like Jorah for being a Mormont. They venture north. It’s like Game of Thrones, Reservoir Dogs, Magnificent Seven, and the Backstreet Boys all mashed up into one! It’s the Game of Thrones Dream Team! It’s the North Boyz!

Mezco shipped the figure rather quickly. Yes, I did have to wait until after SDCC to receive it, but I was surprised with how fast it arrived after SDCC ended.

The greatness of this figure starts with the box art. That is some sweet Michael Cho art adorning this box. I will definitely be getting this box signed by Michael Cho if I ever get the chance to meet him at a con or store signing. The image looks so cool.

This figure is a lot of fun. Mezco included five different styles of webbing.

The webs fit between the hand and the arm of the figure. Pop a hand off, place the webbing’s ring on the arm, and pop the hand back on. It sounds easy, but honestly, it took me a few minutes of trying to get the hand and webbing to stay on the figure. But once it’s on, it looks fantastic.

The attention to detail on these One:12 figures is amazing. Check out this arm.

See that area right by the wrist, where the fabric arm sleeve ends? There’s a little bit of plastic on the fabric there, making the transition from the fabric sleeve to the plastic fist very nice. It looks like a glove extending from Mile’s hand, but it’s all part of the sleeve. Plus, just that level of detail, even being black on black, really stands out.

My only quibble with the figure is that it only has one head sculpt included. I would have loved an unmasked Miles head or even a half-masked Miles head (think the Marvel Legends Pizza-eating Spider-Man). But that quibble comes from being spoiled by Mezco’s One:12 line in the past. They’re usually so generous with two to three heads per figure, that only getting one (admittedly gorgeous) head seems like a letdown. It’s a small letdown compared to the majesty that is this figure. If you are a Miles Morales fan, you need the Mezco One:12 Miles Morales Spider-Man!

Tycho, the creepy looking dude from the Iron Bank, is excited. He compares Cersei to her father for the second time in as many episodes. The Iron Bank just got paid in full and they’re eager to re-up Cersei. Well, just as soon as the gold gets delivered. That’s not foreshadowing at all. What could possibly go wrong with the gold train? Also, did the Game of Thrones casting director not realize that Ian McDiarmid is still alive? Why cast a guy who kinda looks like the Emperor from Star Wars when you can cast the actual Emperor?

Up in Winterfell, Littlefinger gives Bran that knife from season one that belonged to Tyrion, the one that was used in the failed assassination attempt. This is Littlefinger’s dagger, right? I mean, it was originally Tyrion’s, but then it was stolen and we all agree Littlefinger was behind the assassin, right? Or am I misremembering something? Littlefinger say,  “I imagine you’ve seen things most men wouldn’t believe.” Bran replies, “Chaos is a ladder,” referencing back to a Littlefinger line from back in season 3. Litterfinger actually gets quiet. I like this parlor trick of Bran’s. “Hey watch while I tell you something about which there’s no possible way I should know.” Bran denies being Lord Stark when Littlefinger calls him that. This is just like when Prince stopped wanting to be called Prince. Just like it.

Frog Girl is leaving. She wants to be with her family when the army of the dead arrives. Talk about a downer. She wants Bran to say that he needs her. But Bran’s the Three Eyed Raven now and has all the people skills of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Arya rides to Winterfell. The guards don’t believe she’s who she says she is and tell her to be on her way. Arya persists and points out to the guards that if she is who she says she is and Sansa finds out they turned her away, they’ll be in trouble. While the two bonehead guards are trying to figure out who should tell Sansa, Arya sneaks off.  Sansa and Arya reunite in the crypts by the statue of their dead dad. Arya asks, “Do I have to call you Lady Stark now?” Sansa responds, “Yes.” Man, post-Joffrey Sansa is great. Remember when she was the worst? She hasn’t had as extreme a likability arch as Jaime has had, but she’s definitely so much better now than she was in season one.  Wow, Sansa really towers over Arya. Has Arya grown since season one? Brann, Sansa and Arya reunite. All that’s missing in Jon Snow to make this Stark family reunion complete. Bran gives Arya the dagger. It’s Valerian steel.  I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that she knifes Littlefinger with it.

Missandei is talking to Dany. Missandei is worried that there hasn’t been any word from the Unsullied. Dany is wondering why Missandei is worried about Grey Worm so much right now. Dany asks, “What happened?” To which Missandei replies, “Many things.” I was hoping Emelia Clarke would break character and just let out an “Awwwww yeah! Boom chicka bow bow.” No dice. Before that can happen, Jon interrupts them. Jon found the dragonglass! That’s a lot of dragonglass. He also shows Dany all these zany hieroglyphics that the Children of the Forest made. Jon, come on, you drew these. Jon then gives Dany Jack’s “Live together, die alone” speech from Lost. Dany wants Jon to bend the knee first. Just kiss her, you fool! What? Dany’s parents were brother and sister. And so were her grandparents. Aunt-nephew is better than that, right? Right?

Tyrion lets Dany know they took Casterly Rock. He’s not excited. He fills her in on what happened at the end of the last episode. I feel like I wrote that sentence last week too. Dany is starting to doubt Tyrion’s commitment to her cause, toying with the idea that he’s more loyal to his family. Tyrion is getting a poor rating from his manager. That’s mad! Just like your dad! Don’t say that to her. Dany wants to fly the dragons right to the Red Keep and just burn the place. She asks Jon for advice. Jon tells Dany basically to Think Different. Thanks, Steve Jobs.

Pod and Brienne are training. Arya stops by to say hi. Arya wants to train with Brienne, because Brienne beat the Hound. Holy cow,  Arya is X-23 from Logan. Littlefinger is with Sansa on the catwalk above and just keeps looking at her like, “Your sister, what a weirdo, right?” Someone please stab Littlefinger.

Jon, Davos and Missandei are talking. Missandei doesn’t understand how Jon’s a bastard. She explains, “We don’t have marriage in Naath, so the concept of a bastard doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say that she and the rest of Dany’s army don’t care whose daughter she is. “She’s the queen we chose” She’s so compelling that Davos asks Jon, “Would you forgive me if I switch sides?”

Theon shows up in the one Greyjoy ship left. That’s a sad sight. Jon and Theon reunite! Oh wait, Jon ain’t happy to see Theon. Oh right, Jon knows all about Theon taking Winterfell and thinks that Theon killed Bran and Rickon. Theon’s lucky Jon doesn’t stab him right there. Though maybe that’s what would make Theon happy at this point.

Bronn, Jaime and the Tarleys are leading the gold march from Highgarden to King’s Landing. Bronn is such a lovable asshole. Jaime confuses Tarley’s son’s name, calling him Rickon when it should be Dickon. Bronn finds this and the name Dickon funny and lets it be known how funny he finds it. God, I love Bronn. Please don’t kill him. Bronn gets the best line of the episode when he tells Rickon/Dickon “Didn’t they teach you that at Fancy Lad School?”

Uh oh. What’s that noise. Uh oh. Dany coming. Dothraki are on the move. Bronn wants Jaime to get out of there. Jaime’s all for staying. Then Drogan shows up and you can almost see Jaime shit himself. Dany roasts a bunch of Lannisters. The Dothradki ride through the flame. Oh man, this is one sided. Please don’t kill Bronn. This fight is very Warhammery. Some of you know exactly what I mean. Dickon saves Jaime. Bronn gets knocked off his horse and loses his bag of gold. Don’t go for the money, Bronn! Dead men go for the money! Bronn fights his way to the Scorpion. Don’t die. don’t die. Don’t die. Bronn loads the Scorpion.

Whoa, Tyrion is at this battle too? Tyrion spots Jaime. Dany comes in for a final pass by. Everyone is basically burned except for Bronn and Jaime. Bronn fire and misses. Bronn reloads. Bronn with the direct hit. Dany’s going down. Uh oh for Bronn and Jaime, Drogon’s okay. Drogon somehow doesn’t kill Bronn when he burns the Scorpion.

Jaime grabs a spear and charges Dany. Tyrion and I both are telling Jaime not to do it. Just as Drogan is about to roast Jaime, Bronn saves Jaime by jumping off his horse and tackling Jaime into the water. But Jaime’s got a solid metal hand and is wearing full armor. He sinks like a stone. The screen goes black and everyone in my apartment literally says “Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Anyone else thing the Cinematographer on Game of Thrones just watched Get Out? Jaime looks like he was just hypnotized by Catherine Keener.

Davos and Jon Snow come ashore at Dragonstone to start the episode. Tyrion and Missendei meet them. As Jon and Davos are being escorted up to Dany, Dragon does flyby. Jon and Davos are understandably shaken.

Smoky Vajayjay is watching Jon from a distance as he climbs the steps of Dragonstone. She’s bouncing. That makes sense, considering that both Davos and Jon said they’d kill her if they saw her again. It’s interesting seeing Vajayjay admit she made terrible mistakes. Then she gets all ominous and says to Varys, “I have to die in this strange country. Just like you.” Sidebar for a second: Is it me or did Varys get tan, a little too tan, between seasons? He looks much darker than he did at the end of last season. Dragonstone looks like it’s Wales. How is anyone getting a tan there?

Finally, Dany and Jon meet. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for since the posters went up around town with both of them on it. It’s tense. Dany’s getting a lot of pent up anger off her chest. She’s got a chip on her shoulder for the Starks. Dany wants Jon to bend the knee and pledge his men in her fight against Cersei. Jon’s like, “Ummm, we’ve got bigger problems. Bee tee dubs, can I borrow a dragon?”

Varys interrupts and fills in Dany on what happened at the end of last episode with the Greyjoys. Ruh-roh.

Speaking of which, let’s cut to wreckage that was Asha’s fleet. Hey, Theon lives! He’s hauled up onto a boat. He tells the Iron Islanders on the boat that Euron took Asha and he tried to save her. It’s immediately pointed out that if Theon really tried to save her, he wouldn’t be alive right now. Oooh, sick burn.

Down in King’s Landing, Uncle Euron parades the Sand Snakes, Asha, and Slutty Princess Leia through the streets. All the city comes out for the parade. Euron is eating it up. Asha and company are spat upon and have rotting food thrown their way. They’re all brought before Cersei in her throne room. You can almost see the exact moment when Jaime realizes he’s now #2 in Cersei’s eyes. I look forward to Jaime killing Euron. Man, the Mountain looks like the Destroyer from Thor.

Euron wants Cersei’s hand in marriage as his prize. Cersei says she’ll marry Euron after the war is won. That’s good enough for Euron, who sidles up next to Jaime and asks,  “Does she like it gentle or rough? A finger in the bum?” Oh man, Euron! That’s effed up. I kind of wish this episode was titled, A Finger in the Bum?

Ellaria Sand is locked up in a dungeon across from her daughter, I forget which one. I think it’s Dagger. It’s impossible for me to remember the Sand Snakes names. It’s the cuter of the three if that helps. Cersei tells Ellaria, “You can’t imagine how that feels unless you’ve lost your own child.” Uh-oh. Cersei plants a kiss on Ellaria’s daughter, poisoning her the same way Ellaria poisoned Myrcella. Cersei tells Ellaria she’s going to watch her daughter die, then watch her daughter rot. That’s effed up. I’m stating to think Cersei and Euron are really made for each other. That’s cool with me. It frees Jaime up to bro it up around Westeros with Bronn. Remember kids, you can’t spell Bronn without bro!

I’m not saying Cersei blows Jaime in this next scene because Cersei wants Jaime to do something. But I’m not not saying that either. Cersei lets a page in without hiding Jaime post-coitus. Damn, Cersei is brazen. She doesn’t care who sees them as sibling-fuckers. She’s got the Iron Throne now.

Cersei meets some dude from the Iron Bank. He has all the charm of Emperor Palpatine. He’s there to let her know that Iron Bank isn’t going to be lending them any more money and that Dany looks like the better horse to bet on in this race. Like any deadbeat, Cersei tells the banker to give her two more weeks. I’m sure he’s heard that before.

Remember when Sansa was the worst? Not anymore. She’s bossing like a boss in Winterfell. She immediately recognizes that Winterfell doesn’t have enough food to last more than a year, and since winters in Westoros can go on much longer than that, and they made me under siege by the army of the dead at some point in the near future, she’s coming up with solutions. She needs more food brought to Winterfell now.  While Sansa is dealing with this, Bran shows up at the gate! Stark reunion! I was hoping for Arya, but still, this is great. Sansa tells Bran he’s Lord of Winterfell now. Bran says he can’t be the Lord of Winterfell, he’s the Three Eeyed Raven. Ugh, right, that’s why I hate Bran storylines.

Friend Zone is being inspected. He looks a bit better. He’s no longer infectious. Sam takes a two handed handshake from Jorah. Ballsy, Sam. This dude was a stone leper yesterday.

Sam gets balled out by the Maester he reports to. Yes, Sam saved Jorah, but he could have caused a mass infection of their whole area. But the Maester likes Sam’s moxie. He’s impressed that Sam was able to do what he did. Sam downplays it, basically saying he just took his time. Classic Sam: do the unthinkable and play it down. Sam’s reward is being turned into a human copying machine. The maester explains that while he might be impressed by Sam’s work, Sam still broke the rules.

Dany wants to send the dragons after Euron. Missandei isn’t so sure. She asks, “What will they face?” Varys says it’s “A difficult situation.” Then Dave Matthews chimed in with: “A difficult time..two many choices.” Just kidding. No Dave Matthews appearance today. Ed Sheeran: 1, Dave Matthews: 0.

Tyrion narrates over the Unsullied’s battle at Casterly Rock. This is shot really cool, first with Tyrion saying how it would be expected to go down, with Casterly Rock being impregnable, even to the Unsullied. It ends bad. But then Tyrion reveals that his father put him in charge of designing the sewer system in Casterly Rock, a task Tyrion used to make sure there were ways he could sneak whores in and out of the city. The Unsullied use Tyrion’s whore-holes around the city and catch the guards unaware. They take Casterly Rock easily! Maybe too easily.  Greyworm is wondering where the other Lannister soldiers are. Uh oh. Eurons’s ships arrive at Casterly Rock and immediately work on sinking the Unsullied’s rides.

Where are the rest of the Lannisters? They’re marching on Highgarden. Sneaky play, Jaime. Oh hey, it’s Bronn! I hope he lives. Let’s make a deal, Game of Thrones. No killing Bronn. Grandma looks out from her tower over the invading Lannister army. Wow, that’s a high tower she’s watching from. Jaime takes Grandma’s castle so quickly, it happened between scene cuts. Jaime offers Grandma mercy, pouring her a poisoned glass of wine. She won’t suffer. Grandma brings up Joffrey,  “He really was a cunt, wasn’t he?” Grandma admits to poisoning Joffrey after she drinks Jaime’s poison. And then tells him, “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.” I thought Jaime was going to decapitate her right there. Nope, he just storms out. Seriously, what’s the point of showing Grandma mercy now, after she admitted to poisoning your son? Jaime should have sent her on a “Bran’s leap” out the tower window.

Welp, there’s no confusing which queen title was referring to, is there?

This figure is huge. I feel like I wasn’t quite ready for just how tall this figure would be when I ordered it. When the box arrived, it was in a much larger box than I was used to as far as Mezco figures were concerned. Lion-O is giant! Mega scale is an apt name. If you live in a studio apartment, this is not the figure for you.

Unlike their One:12 Collective action figures, this Lion-O is not collector friendly in the sense of being able to easily remove and put it back in the box. Once this figure is unboxed, it is unboxed.

The light up eyes feature is neat – basically, one head has light up eyes, the head that looks like it is shouting. You have to pop the head off the neck, unscrew a cap inside the neck socket on the head, and insert a couple of batteries (which Mezco included! Yay!). Once the batteries are in, a toggle switch on the base of the head controls the light up eyes. The eyes are bright! Even in a fully lit room, they look very bright. Not flashlight bright, but definitely “freak out a toddler” bright.

The accessories included with the figure are all must-haves: the Sword of Omens, both the short and fully extended versions, as well as Lion-O’s claw shield gauntlet.

If I could change anything about this figure, it would be the articulation. I just wish we had some functioning knee and elbow joints.

That said, if you are a fan of Thundercats and have the space, order this figure direct from Mezco. It’s great. At the time of this writing, it’s still in stock directly from Mezco’s website.

Ravens travel fast, fast enough to arrive in time for the next scene. Up north, Sansa is worried that the raven from Tyrion is an invitation into a trap. Jon hears what she’s saying, but Dany has dragons and Jon needs a dragon to fight the zombies.

Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is holding her own meeting with her lieutenants. She only refers to Dany as the Mad King’s Daughter. It’s like her version of “Crooked Hilary.” There are far fewer lords in this meeting hall than we’ve seen in previous calls from the crown. Creepy Hand says he has a solution to Dany’s dragons. After the meeting, Jaimie offers Lord Tarly a head generalship to ensure his loyalty. Tarley explains he’s sworn fealty to the Tyrells. If you have “drink when someone makes a sideways comment to Jaime about killing the former king” on your bingo card, it’s time to line up another shot.

At the Citadel, Friend Zone ain’t looking too good. That maester that Sam is interning for isn’t too subtle when he hints that Jorah should kill himself.

Creepy Hand and Cersei are checking out the dragon skeletons in the basement of the castle. Creepy Hand shows off the giant crossbows he’s making to fight the dragons. The giant crossbow bolt shatters the skull of the largest dragon skull in the basement.

Dany’s holding another meeting. So many meetings. This episode should have been called, “Meetings, Right?” Ellaria and the Greyjoys want to storm King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a bad play. Dany sides with Tyrion, even quoting a line he told her earlier in the episode, saying “I’m not here to be queen of ashes.”Tyrion reveals his plans. He wants the armies of Tyrells , Greyjoys and Dorne to lay siege to King’s Landing. Oh hey, Grandma is here too. She’s not keen on her people being used to lay siege to King’s Landing while the Unsullied sit on their thumbs. That’s when Tyrion reveals what he has in mind for the Unsullied. They’re going to take his family home of Casterly Rock and the gold inside it.

After the meeting, Dany and Grandma have a mini-meeting. Grandma tells her, “The lords in Westeros are sheep. Are you a sheep? No. Be a wolf dragon.” Man, the writers of season seven really love Training Day. That’s two episodes in a row that reminded me of this scene.

Back at Dragonstone, Missandei walks in on Grey Worm. I forgot these two were an item. Oh hey, breasts. I feel like we haven’t seen those in a while. Remember when this show was naked people like every other scene? When Grey Worm is telling Missandei how he feels about her, I keep expecting him to say “I am just a Grey Worm standing in front of a girl asking her to love him.” Missandei strips him, but he stops her. He’s a never nude. His full name is Tobias Funkgrey. But Missandei (and her nakedness) convinces him. They straight up kiss butt-ass naked with the door open. Hey guys, maybe close that door? Greyworm mounts her. Umm, that door still is open. You know Varys likes to watch. And then Greyworm heads south. More like Wormtongue, am I right? New nickname!

Sam the Intern says he found a possible cure for Friend Zone’s greyscale. Unfortunately, the cure is now forbidden. Like that’s going to stop Mr. Sam “I do forbidden things” Tarley.

Friend Zone is writing his suicide note when Sam shows up, ready to do the forbidden. Sam pulls out the cure recipe from his ancient textbook. It would suck if the pages are stuck together like when Rachel tried making that multilayered trifle on Thanksgiving on that episode of Friends.

Sam cuts off some greyscale. Jorah looks like burnt meat. Don’t look, Jorah.

The greyscale looks like chicken pot pie. Oh wait, that is chicken pot pie. Arya is in a pub. Oh hey, it’s Hot Pie! When was the last time we saw him? Hot Pie tells her about Jon being King in the North. Arya hops on her horse and heads north. Cersei will have to wait.

Jon’s maester brings a reaven from Sam. Dragonstone sits on a mountain of dragonglass. Looks like Jon is headed to Dragonstone. Everyone wants him to stay. Jon’s leaving Sansa in charge. All of a sudden, Sansa looks like, “well in that case, say hi to my husband Tyrion for me!” Littlefinger looks downright giddy about being left up in Winterfell with Sansa without Jon hovering around.

Littlefinger sees Jon off before he goes, because that’s just a Littlefinger thing to do. Guy can’t leave well enough alone. Jon isn’t having any bullshit from Littlefinger and immediately gets all big brother when he announces, “Touch my sister and I’ll kill you myself.”

In the woods, Arya’s horse is spooked. Wolves, a bunch of them, are what’s causing it. Leading the wolves is a giant wolf, you know, a dire wolf. It’s Nymeria, Arya’s long-lost wolf from season one! Arya wants Nymeria to come north with her. Nymeria slinks off. Arya’s hurt, but understands.

On the Greyjoy’s ship, Asha and Slutty Princess Leia are about to get it on. SLP wants Theon to join in. But before you can say brother/sister threesome that would make Cersei and Jaime proud, Euron attacks. Oh boy, does Euron attack. Euron looks like a poor man’s Liev Schreiber. Euron takes out Spear and Whip and then quickly has a knife to Asha’s throat. The only one who can save her in Theon. Unfortunately, Theon turns to Reek at that moment and jumps overboard. Euron laughs and sails off, leaving Theon surrounded by the broken ships of his sister’s fleet.

No Ed Sheeran sighting this episode. Maybe next time, Ed.

Previously on Game of Thrones: Cersei killed everyone. Seriously, everyone. RIP Queen Low Cut. Your reign was cut as short as your tops.

The episode starts off with Walder Frey and I’m immediately confused. Didn’t Arya kill him? Ohhhh, wait, this is Arya isn’t it. My favorite part of Arya’s speech was when she said, “Leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe.” Arya strikes me a big Training Day fan. King Kong doesn’t have shit on Arya. Ooooh and she smiled aas she walked out of the room. Arya has basically cemented herself as the most bad ass character on Game of Thrones.

As a side note, I love when actors have to play two roles at the same time. David Bradley does a great job playing Arya playing Walder. It reminds me of Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in Face Off. 

I love watching the credits during the first episode of the new season. It’s like a game of “spot the new stuff.” Old Town is definitely new in the credits, right? I had no idea what that place was. I assumed it was Dany’s new HQ, but realized later in the episode it’s where Sam is hanging out.

The episode starts out with a long shot of a snowy field. It’s like minutes and minutes of “Hey look. It’s winter.” The Night King slowly rides towards the camera. Maybe it’s that I just saw the Bill Viola Electronic Renaissance exhibit in Florence, but this shot reminded me a lot of Viola’s The Crossing. That’s right, sometimes I go highbrow.

He’s followed by his Night Lieutentants on horseback, followed by a horde of walking dead. This march seems like an accidental tribute to Dawn of the Dead director George A. Romero, who passed away the same day this episode aired. RIP George A. Romero.

We cut to Bran, who is being dragged through the snow by Frog Girl. This is shot very much like Luke entering Jabba’s Palace in Return of the Jedi. Jon’s pals aren’t sure if they believe it’s really Brandon Stark until Bran pulls some Miss Cleo voodoo on them and tells them about themselves from stuff he’s seen when he’s the raven. It’s weird. Ugh. Bran is easily my the least favorite Stark. Bran at the Wall. Wow, the Wall is covered in white. Winter is here.

Jon’s holding a meeting. He wants dragon glass. And he wants women to fight as well. This is met with some resistance. Look guys, the future is female. Jon wants the Free Folk to defend Eastwatch By The Sea. Readbeard has a great line where he says, “Looks like we’re the night’s watch now.” I love you, Redbeard.

We see the first rift between Sansa and Jon. Sansa wants the anyone who sided with Ramsey stripped of their lands. Jon’s being a little more forgiving. Hey guys, maybe not in front of the whole assembly? Meanwhile, Littlefinger is all Kermit drinking Lipton tea watching this go down.

Jon calls on Lord Umber and Alys Karstark. They’re the heirs of their family lands and people. They’re also kids! Jon doesn’t care. He asks for their loyalty, and these kids whip out their swords and pledge it to him.

Sansa warns Jon not be dumb like Ned and Robb. She makes a line about them both losing their heads that’s both literal and figurative. Remember when Sansa was the worst? So much has changed over the years! Despite their disagreement, Sansa thinks Jon’s a good leader and good at ruling. Jon gets a raven from Cersei demanding he comes to King’s Landing to bend a knee. Jon’s like “Whatever. She’s 1,000 miles away and I’ve got a Night King to worry about.” Sansa warns him not to underestimate the new queen.

Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is overseeing Michelangelo as he paints the Westerosi version of the Sistine Chapel. It’s a map of her kingdom. When Jaime enters the room, Michelangelo takes his leave to go work on his statue of David. Cersei points out on the map where all their enemies are. TL; DR: their enemies are in every direction. Wait, Cersei still blames Tyrion for Joffrey’s death? She never figured out it was really Princess Low Cut’s grandma. Huh, I didn’t realize that. Jaime gets in some good points, saying “Right now, we look like the losing side.” When Cersei says she’s Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Jaime counters with “Three kingdoms at best.”

Euron pays a visit. He looks like he should be the new lead singer of Drive Shaft. Is everyone dressed in black? Even the Mountain has a new black armor. I get Cersei and Jaime being dressed in black; they’re mourning. But even the king’s queen’s guard? Their armor wasn’t black after Joffrey’s death. Is this because of that giant “accident” that caused everyone in Baelor’s Sept to die at the end of last season? #610insidejob #cerseididit

Euron proposes to Cersei, but she turns him down. He says he’s going to return for her with a priceless gift. Priceless gift? Who’s Euron hunting? Tyrion?

Sam at the library is the library in Oldtown. Oh wow, this is some montage. R Kelly interns have it better than Sam. This is literally the shittiest montage ever. Someone please make a gif of this sam montage. I want Sam’s gagging noise as my new ringtone.

Sam wants access to the forbidden section of the library. While one of the maesters does believe his story about seeing White Walkers, he still won’t give Sam access to the forbidden section. The old maester says “The Wall has stood through it all,” which immediately makes me think The Wall is going to crumble by the end of this episode.

Brienne and Redbeard are my favorite couple on this whole show. Ever. I would totally watch a Brienne and Tormund sitcom.

What! Ed Sheeran! Holy shit! Forget what I said. I’m now shipping Arya and Ed. The soldiers are surprisingly good to Arya. It disarms her. Arya’s like “I really want to kill you guys but you’re being really nice to me.” Even in Westeros, Ed Sheeran makes all the white girls panties drop.

Throwback to the time I was a Lannister

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 16, 2017 at 7:09pm PDT

I’m hoping for a TSwizzle cameo next week.

Sup

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 18, 2017 at 4:24pm PDT

The Hound and Robin Hood. They ride up to the house where Arya left The Hound. Stopping by the house where he knifed that guy and left him for dead over some silver is bringing up bad memories for The Hound. I like that The Hound finally has a heart. The Hound looks into the flames. He’s asked what he sees. He does not see Sirius Black. He has a vision in the flame. The dead are going to pour through Eastwatch by the Sea. The Hound stays up late burying the people he killed. He even says he’s sorry they’re dead and they deserve better. Awww, good Hound. Good Hound.

Big up @maisie_williams

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 18, 2017 at 12:53pm PDT

Sam is reading his book from the forbidden section. He reads that there is a mountain of dragon glass under Dragonstone. He writes Jon. Well, now we know how Dany and Jon are going to meet.

First time @itsbennyblanco has seen an episode, here’s his review

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 16, 2017 at 7:38pm PDT

Sam is walking down a hall. A zombified hand bolts out of a window at him. The person on the other end of that lepor hand speaks. It’s Friend Zone! He asks about Dany. Sam’s all, “can you put that gross hand back in your room, please?”

Dany lands at Dragonstone. She’s also in black. As are Tyrion and all of Dany’s men too. The only people not in black in this episode are at the Citadel. And the Eunuch. He’s in brown. What’s with black being the new hot color in all of Westeros?

Dany takes Dragonstone. “Finally! The Khaleesi has returned to Westoros!” With everyone gathered around an old war map, she asks, “Shall we begin?” I smell what the Khaleesi is cooking.

1. It brings to light the true story of a World War II hero.
2. It will make a pacifist out of you by really driving home the brutality of war.

I’m going to go into both in detail, so consider this your SPOILER WARNING.

Hacksaw Ridge is the story of Desmond Doss, an American medic who served in the Pacific during World War II. Doss was ridiculed by his fellow soldiers and commanding officers for being a conscientious objector. Doss was a Seventh Day Adventist. Their faith believes that taking another human life is the worst sin a person can make. Following that tennet, Doss refused to pick up a gun, even during target practice.

But wow, Doss definitely impresses in the end. After both sides on Hacksaw Ridge are being shelled by the US Navy, the US troops retreat, abandoning many injured men on top of the ridge. Doss stays behind and rescues his brothers in arms, carrying each to the edge of the ridge and lowering them down by rope one by one, all the while evading Japanese soldiers trying to kill him. How Doss lowered down more than two soldiers this way is beyond me. My forearms started aching just watching those scenes. Doss is a true hero. He’s a pacifist, but definitely not a coward. When everyone was running away, he was running into danger. Watching his story reminded me of the brave heroes who rushed towards the Boston Marathon bombing to save people as everyone else was scattering. It’s an inspiring story.

Regarding my second point, I don’t see how anyone could watch this movie and walk away thinking war is a good idea. Hacksaw Ridge presents war in all its brutality and barbarism. I remember as a kid thinking that Blowtorch, the G.I. Joe with the flamethrower, was so cool. But good God, seeing a flamethrower in action in this movie really drives home what a disgusting weapon it is. I have a hard time thinking of more excruciating ways to die than being burnt alive after being sprayed with flaming gasoline. The flamethrower is brutal to the person using it as well. When the flamethrower soldier showed up on the battlefield in the movie with that gas tank strapped to his back, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone shot that backpack and he died in a flaming agony. Sure enough, his deaths is one of the hardest to watch in the film.

I don’t think that Hacksaw Ridge deserved a Best Picture Oscar nomination, but I do think it should be required viewing for all of our Congressmen and our President. Anyone who has the power to send the men and women serving in our country’s armed forces should be forced to sit through all the battle scenes in this movie, and without their Twitter devices in their hands to distract them.

This review contains spoilers. If you didn’t have Lion’s plot spoiled for you by Google’s Oscar night commercial, please stop reading and come back after you’ve seen the film. Also, Google, I’m still a bit annoyed about that commercial spoiling the movie for me.

Every year before the Oscars, I have a mad dash to see as many Best Picture nominees as I can before the ceremony. This year, I only managed to see four of the eight movies nominated for Best Picture before the Oscars ceremony aired. Usually what happens each year is I’m hyper-invested in seeing these movies pre-Oscars, and unless I missed the Best Picture winner, they fade from my mind just as quickly so that I can focus on more fun fare, like say, Lego Batman. Lion is a movie that would usually fall off my radar after the Oscars. It didn’t take home any awards and was completely overlooked despite all its nominations on a night that focused mainly on La La Land vs. Moonlight.

Ignoring Lion would be a mistake. It is a great movie. I found it to be genuinely enjoyable from beginning to end. I usually do not get on board with children being nominated for Oscars, but I truly believe that Sunny Pawar deserved a Best Actor or Best Supporting Actor nomination. His pre-Tasmania scenes were not in English and not subtitled, and I had no issue understanding what was going on in the movie. This young actor emoted like a professional with decades of experience. I also think Dev Patel was unjustly snubbed for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar. Having seen both Moonlight and Lion, I definitely would given the award to Patel over Mahershala Ali. I thought Mahershala was good in Moonlight, but Dev had tears streaming down my face by the end of Lion.

Maybe it’s because I’m now a father, or maybe it’s because my brother is my best friend, but I was immediately drawn in by Lion’s story. I was glued to the screen the entire time and found it to be the most riveting and suspenseful of the five Best Picture nominees I’ve seen so far (the others being La La Land, Moonlight, Arrival and Manchester By The Sea).  What happened to Saroo was one of my biggest fears as a child, finding myself lost in a strange place with no way of finding my family. As I was watching Lion, I found myself wanting to see the movie from Guddu’s point of view, because as tragic as what happened to Saroo was, I couldn’t even begin to fathom what his brother must have been going through when he returned to the train station to find his brother gone. How would he tell his mother? How long would he search? How would he search? And then we find out that on the same night that Saroo disappeared, Guddu died while searching for him, hit by one of the trains in the station. Cue waterworks from Billy’s eyes. What a tragedy for their mother! To lose both sons in one night, and not have closure for one of them for decades. The ending was so bittersweet and emotional. I was being pulled in different directions. On the one hand, Saroo was given a qualitatively better life with the Brierlys, but on the other hand, he had to sacrifice seeing his mother for decades and inadvertently caused the death of his brother. And that scene during the credits, with the real Saroo and his adoptive mom visiting his birth mother in India. Oh Gawd, I need another box of Kleenex!

Lion is part Citizen Kane and part A Beautiful Mind. I can’t recommend it enough. Lion might be the best movie of 2016 in this reviewer’s opinion.

Ryan brings all the charm that he brought to the live action series to this voiceover work. He is definitely the standout in this movie and I am hoping this is not the last time we find him voicing Constantine.

The movie borrows from the early issues of the New 52 comics series Justice League: Dark. The team includes fan favorites like Zatanna, Deadman and Etrigan the Demon, and more obscure heroes like Black Orchid too.

The screenplay was written by legendary Justice League writer J.M. DeMatteis, and directed by DC Animation all-star Jay Oliva. Right there, you know DeMatteis is bringing both great humor and great drama to the script and Oliva is bringing the insanely well choreographed fight scenes that he’s known for. Neither gentleman disappointed. It’s interesting watching this movie with its more mystical fight scenes. I feel like this is out of Jay Oliva’s usual domain, which usually leans heavily on martial arts.

Producer James Tucker continues to prove why he was Bruce Timm’s rightful heir to the DC Animation throne. The worldbuilding that started in Justice League: War continues here, with a huge leap in characters this time. Most Justice League movies give us one or two new characters, but this movie gives us a whole squad (and brings in John Stewart briefly too!). Characters like Zatanna and The Demon haven’t been seen in animated fare since the JLU days.

Like every other DC animated movie, the special features are as good as the main movie. We get a Swamp Thing featurette on the Justice League: Dark disc. Swamp Thing’s co-creator, Len Wein, and a host of other creators who worked on the character are interviewed. The best part was listening to how Len Wein gushed over Kelly Jones when Kelly was first coming up in the industry, and how happy he was to work with him the recent Swamp Thing comic series.

I really liked Justice League: Dark, and definitely recommend buying it. There is a limited edition version that is worth picking up if you can find it. It includes a John Constantine figurine in the art style of this movie. Amazon has it for sale here.

Shopping at Amazon through our links helps support Tuesday Night Movies. 

I was hesitant about Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders when I first heard of it. Often when someone tries to recapture the magic of something that worked in a bygone era, it doesn’t translate well. There’s a fine balance between kitsch and schlock. But I really should not have been worried. At the helm of this movie is DC Animation head James Tucker, who has been producing quality animated movies ever since he took over the group from Bruce Timm and produced the excellent Justice League: War.

Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders captures all of the camp and magic that made the 1966 Batman TV series work so well. Tucker, who cowrote the screenplay, definitely captures the voices of Batman, Robin and their rogues very, very well. Thankfully, Adam West, Burt Ward and Julie Newmar are all still around to add some extra magic to the movie. All three actors came on board to play Batman, Robin and Catwoman respectively.

What really helps Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders work is that the movie pokes fun at itself too. Aunt Harriet’s musings about Bruce and Dick’s relationships seem like they could have been taken directly from an Ambiguously Gay Duo sketch from SNL. It’s interesting to think of the original Batman TV series inspiring that series of sketches, whose jokes seem to have inspired some of the bits in this movie.

<blockquote class=”instagram-media” data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version=”7″ style=” background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% – 2px); width:calc(100% – 2px);”><div style=”padding:8px;”> <div style=” background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50.0% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;”> <div style=” background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAABGdBTUEAALGPC/xhBQAAAAFzUkdCAK7OHOkAAAAMUExURczMzPf399fX1+bm5mzY9AMAAADiSURBVDjLvZXbEsMgCES5/P8/t9FuRVCRmU73JWlzosgSIIZURCjo/ad+EQJJB4Hv8BFt+IDpQoCx1wjOSBFhh2XssxEIYn3ulI/6MNReE07UIWJEv8UEOWDS88LY97kqyTliJKKtuYBbruAyVh5wOHiXmpi5we58Ek028czwyuQdLKPG1Bkb4NnM+VeAnfHqn1k4+GPT6uGQcvu2h2OVuIf/gWUFyy8OWEpdyZSa3aVCqpVoVvzZZ2VTnn2wU8qzVjDDetO90GSy9mVLqtgYSy231MxrY6I2gGqjrTY0L8fxCxfCBbhWrsYYAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;”></div></div> <p style=” margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;”> <a href=”https://www.instagram.com/p/BN2BNYPldZQ/” style=” color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;” target=”_blank”>Dancing Batman wishes you a very happy Saturday! #batman</a></p> <p style=” color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;”>A video posted by Billy! (@impossibilly) on <time style=” font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px;” datetime=”2016-12-10T16:53:55+00:00″>Dec 10, 2016 at 8:53am PST</time></p></div></blockquote> <script async defer src=”//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js”></script>

The actors in the movie who voice The Joker, The Riddler and The Penguin capture the original actors’ voices, cadence and spirit very well. And I especially like that the animators really went all out making the characters look like their live action counterparts, even including Caesar Romero’s whited-out mustache on The Joker.

I loved the way they incorporated, even briefly, many of the villains from the show, including all three actresses who played Catwoman over the span of the series.

The movie is rated PG, but I would have no problem showing this movie to a young child. The action is campy, and much more toned down than DC’s other animated Batman movies. There are some jokes intended for an adult audience, but I think those would pass kids by unnoticed.

If you grew up watching Batman reruns on the PIX-11 equivalent in your hometown, you will definitely want to check out Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders. It’s the perfect blend of nostalgia and new.

If there is anything about Justice League: Dark that people are talking about, it’s that Constantine TV series star Matt Ryan was cast to play Constantine in Justice League: Dark. When asked if it was difficult to play Constantine as a voice actor as opposed to live action, Matt Ryan replied, “Ultimately the DNA of the character is the same. I love the character so much. There is so much more to explore with him. With a character like that, I just feel lucky that I had the opportunity to play him. I thought about taking a trenchcoat with me to wear in the booth. I feel blessed to play him again.”

If Matt Ryan could play any other DC character? “Wonder Woman.” That’s right. Wonder Woman. You heard it here first.

Director Jay Oliva felt very lucky to get Matt Ryan cast as Constantine. He elaborated, “I never know what I’m going to be working on until they drop a script on my desk. They said you’re going to do Dark, and I asked if Swamp Thing was in it, and they said yes, and I asked is Constantine in it, and they said yes, and I asked if I could get Matt Ryan, and they said yes.”

Speaking of Swamp Thing, Jay confided that “We were trying to do a Swamp Thing direct to video for years and it never came to be,” so he was very happy to be able to include Swamp Thing in this movie. Designer Phil Bourassa did about a dozen concept drawings when coming up with the look of Swamp Thing for the movie. “I was just having so much fun with it. Finally, I had one I really liked and that’s the one I pitched to James Tucker and DC, and that’s the one they went with,” Phil said. Would he change the look for a Swamp Thing solo movie?  “If we were to do a solo film with Swamp Thing, we might take a different approach. With these characters, they’re the freaks and the monsters. They’re more off the wall and bizarre. There’s much more latitude, like when we’re introducing villains. but we turn it on its head because they’re the heroes,” he elaborated.

As for the designs of the characters, “With Dark, I wanted to show what I would like to see in a live action version of these characters.” In regards to the special effects designs in the movie, Jay Oliva said, “I’m a huge Final Fantasy fan, so for the look of the magic, I looked at my old video games and took what I liked from them.”

Batman is the Justice League main team member who is also on the Dark team. Batman voice actor Jason O’Mara has played Batman in seven animated movies now. When asked what separates his portrayal of Batman from others who have donned the mantle of the caped crusader, O’Mara responded, “It’s the only one where he’s a father. In the Justice League, Batman can give out orders knowing that they’re adults, but sending your own son into danger, that’s a different thing.”

Who is Jason O’Mara’s favorite portrayal of Batman on-screen? Michael Keaton. O’Mara elaborated, “I always felt that Michael Keaton had a great balance. He was dark, but had a wry, mercurial sense of humor. I felt the other actors either went too much one way or the other. In Justice League: Dark, there’s a lot of opportunity for Batman to throw out some glib comments. I like my Batman. It’s in its own little corner. We’re in uncharted territory right now, in regards to his relationship with Damian. I’m interested to see where we’re going to go next with that.”

Executive Producer James Tucker with the promo poster for Justice League: Dark.

James Tucker said that his goal when taking the reigns of the animated DC universe from Bruce Timm “was to bring in more characters into TV. The best way to do it was to introduce them in existing titles. That’s the goal of using the main headliners to jumpstart the other franchises.” Will we see other mystical DC heroes like Lucifer brought into the animated universe anytime soon? James Tucker said, “Lucifer? Buy this one. We’ll get a sequel, and then yeah, sure. Yay, devil.”

There were only two guests at the panel, Millie Bobby Brown (Eleven) and David Harbour (Hopper). Not that the crowd minded. Each received a standing ovation. The moderator led them through a conversation behind the scenes of making season one of the hit Netflix original series.

When asked about the audition process, Millie said, “Eleven talking? No. I didn’t have to stare. I cried a lot in the audition. And that was it.” When they offered her the part, they told her. “We’re going to cut your hair off. Your name is Eleven. And you’re going to relate yourself to ET.”

David Harbour wore a hat to his audition. “I never do that,” he said. “But I thought this is a guy who likes to hide. The casting director said, “Hey man, do you want one without the hat?” And I said, “No, I’m good.” Obviously the hat worked.

In regards to finding the character of Eleven, Millie said, “When we were on set, I was like, I don’t know what to do, and then I was like, “I know what to do to break someone’s neck!” And Matt said “Never say that out loud again.” Good advice.

Millie had to have her head shaved on the day of the table read. Millie said that hair had gotten everywhere when they shaved her head, and she spent the entire table read scratching herself like a crazy person, because the cut hair that had stuck to her clothes was causing her to itch like mad. Though at the table read, her only lines were “Ugh” and “No.” Millie said she spent a lot of time thinking, “I’ve got to look like a child, but scary.”

Out of all the scenes, Millie said, “The bathtub scene was hard. I was like, “There’s a lot of salt in here.” But the most difficult shooting experience was with the Demogorgon. The suit that the actor wears who plays the Demogorgon is very thick. Because the suit was so thick, he couldn’t hear or feel anything. When Millie had a scene with him where she had to touch him on the back, he couldn’t feel her touch. The Duffers yelled at him to react, but he couldn’t hear him. Millie said something to him to get him to react and nothing, because he couldn’t even hear her. Eventually, they had to have someone kneel next to him and pinch his feet when it was time for him to turn.

Speaking of the Demogorgon, there were two toddlers on set, including Millie’s younger sibling. The Duffers had to tell the toddlers the Demogorgon was only a monster from Monsters Inc. And the toddlers said, “Okay!”

On the timing of Eleven’s nosebleeds, Millie said, “We’d load it (her nose) up. I’d say to the Duffers, “I’ll call action.” And I’d feel it (the blood) coming and say, “Action!” The timing was so good.”

In regards to playing a child from the 80s, Millie said, “It was good having David, and Wynona and Matthew Modine on set to tell me about the 80s. I was like, why don’t we just call Will on the phone?” And they were like, “No, Millie! You couldn’t do that back then!” The conversation then switched to the differences between how television is consumed now vs how it was then. David Harbour reminisced, “You know what I remember, when I was a kid, Michael Jackson’s Thriller video came out on MTV and my friends and I huddled around the TV for an hour waiting for it to come on.”

David Harbour was a huge D&D guy growing up in the 80s. Millie was surprised. “Wait, you placed D&D?” David responded, “Yeah, I’m a nerd. I’m a cleric. I’m a holy warrior of the light. A book in one hand and a big mace in the other.” Dungeons & Dragons is not Millie’s thing. “Dungeons and Dragons, can I relate it to Pokemon? Because I’m a Valor. It’s 2016. Be present. We play Pokemon Go now.” When asked if the cast played Dungeons & Dragons on set, David said, “If there was, I wasn’t invited!”

David commented that the cast and crew were amazed that Millie could put Eleven away when not filming. On the other hand, Hopper was close to David throughout the entire shoot, even when the cameras weren’t moving.  “I don’t do the Jared Leto stuff of sending dead pigs to people. But I do have to carry it around with me. Atlanta is an easy place to be sad and lonely. I would just go home a lot and smoke cigarettes and dread my days. But it was good for the character,” said Harbour. Millie countered, “Your character is very sad and lonely, but you like coffee.” David questioned, “That’s  happy thing?” Millie smiled while imitating him as she said, “But you always say, Flo get my coffee.” David then explained to the audience more of his method with acting around the kids off-camera. He said, “People ask about working with the kids. The first interaction I had with the kids was in the school telling them not to look for Will. That day, I was like, get my chair away from them. I don’t want to talk to them. At the time, they thought I was an angry weird dude.”

While the Upside Down looked creepy AF on the show, David said that in reality,  “It’s super dorky. It doesn’t look like it does on the show. On the show, it’s amazing. On the set, there is bunch of purple piping that pulsates, so you feel like you’re in a bad haunted house. For the spores, there was a guy with a pillowcase filled with dandelion spores.”

Someone asked if the Stranger Things set was near The Walking Dead set. It turns out Millie is a HUGE Walking Dead fan. “I would have died if I was anywhere near the walking dead people,” she commented.

When asked which character from the show they would cosplay as, Millie said, “I might dress up as Poppa,” while David said, “I want to dress up as Barb.”

Speaking of Barb, David Harbour was very adamant when he said, “We won’t tell you anything about season two, but we will tie up some loose ends. And we will pursue justice for judge. I will assure everyone here that Barb is very much dead.”

David and Millie have a great give and take relationship with each other. This panel was a complete treat for any fans of Stranger Things lucky enough to get in the room.

Jack said that his love for acting began because his two older sisters acted in the local community center, and he became interested. Jack joked that “if the community center had karate classes instead of acting classes, I might have got really into karate.”

The moderator brought up his first movie, the Matthew McConaughey movie, Reign of Fire.  Jack immediately called it a “really mediocre movie.” When asked, “You can say that?” by the moderator, Jack responded, “I mean, who’s going to care?” Jack pissed himself on set, but thankfully no one noticed.

The moderator  asked Jack about playing the part of Little Boy in Batman Begins. “He was christened Little Boy. His dad was John Boy.” How did that role come about? “As an actor you go to a lot of auditions, and sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don’t. And I got lucky.”

And then you got cast on Game of Thrones. “I thought you were going to talk about Shrooms, the Irish indie horror flick. I didn’t play Little Boy. I played Lonely Twin. Let’s not get into it. It’s not a good movie.

He said that at the Game of Thrones audition, he thought that it went well, but didn’t want to get his hopes up. He almost lost the part though, because filming of the pilot was supposed to take place during when Jack would have been taking the Irish equivalent of the SATs, and he couldn’t miss that. He thought he’d have to

Jack was asked if he read the books before they started filming? “I read the first book before we filmed the first season, but before I auditioned, I never had never heard of it. Because I’m an idiot.” When asked why he didn’t read past first book, he said, “Because I don’t have the attention span to read those kind of books. I was already studying Philosophy in University.”

When asked about his best scene, Jack responded, “I don’t know if there’s a scene where I did my best work, but the final scene that I appear in, Joffrey’s corpse is lying in the sept, and I just got to sleep for the whole day. That was amazing. I would literally fall asleep. They put those ceremonial stones on my eyes. I’d fall asleep and realize I shouldn’t have been, and there’s this acting going on around me. And I was like, (stiffens up). I don’t know if it was my best acting, but it was my favorite.”

“Shhhh, I’m trying to sleep here.”

Jack was asked if he looks up Joffrey’s demise. He responded that he did, immediately. Jack explained, “One of the first things I did when I got the part was, I looked up the Wikipedia entry on the character. When you get a job, if you know you’re going to get fired at some point, you would look up online when it would happen.” Was he upset to leave the show? No. He explained, “Four seasons is enough. Three seasons, two episodes, that was enough. I think everyone in the cast still loves performing and acting in the show, but my dad says to leave the party early, and not be the last at the party. I feel like I left at the right time.”

On Joffrey’s death scene, Jack said, “It’s very hard to try to pretend to choke to death. Has anyone here choked to death before? It’s hard to do that and make it convincing.”

When asked if which role he would have wanted to play besides Joffrey, “Probably Hodor. From an acting point of view, you only have to learn one line.”

Jack never watched Games of Thrones while he was on the show, because he doesn’t like to watch himself on screen. Did he pick up the show after Joffrey died? Jack joked, “No, it’s too much to catch up on. Even when I got the scripts, I would only read my own scenes. I’m selfish. Maybe I should get into it. I hear it’s good. It always wins Emmys. Maybe I should give it a shot.”

INT. ELEVATOR – DAY

BILLY and VIOLET are riding the elevator with a MOM and her 8-year old SON. The son notices Billy’s shirt.

SON
MOM! That man is wearing a DECEPTICON shirt!

I still remember seeing the trailer for Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice and being legitimately excited. The commercial made the movie look awesome. But I guess if you show only the 30 most exciting seconds of a movie, you can make the most boring movie look awesome.

And that’s just what they did.

Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice commits the most heinous crime that an action movie can commit: It is boring. I’m talking seriously boring. Fall asleep on your couch watching it boring. When I was watching the movie, I turned to a friend and said, “I feel like we’re just watching wheels spin.” He turned back to me and said, “That would mean the wheels were moving.” So much of the movie is expository, and it’s not even interesting exposition.

The most disappointing thing is how much potential the movie had to be good. At its core, Batman Vs. Superman can be described as Batman doesn’t think too highly of Superman after the climatic battle in Man of Steel. Lex Luthor uses this to get Superman and Batman to fight each other. But Wonder Woman gets the heroes to unite, because they need to stop a bigger threat down the road in the name of Darkseid. I would pay to see this movie. This is the movie I was so excited to see, I was tempted to leave my wife and newborn daughter home for a couple of hours while I snuck off to the movie theater. I am so glad I talked myself out of that idea. Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice is not sneak off to the movie theater worthy. It’s not even Redbox worthy. I doubt it’s even HBO worthy (I mean, you could watch the first three episodes of The Night Of instead).

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice is a worse movie than the recent Fantastic Four movie. I can’t think of a superhero that was crapped on worse than Fantastic Four. But I would gladly watch Fantastic Four again before sitting through another screening of Batman Vs. Superman. Maybe it’s because I had such low expectations for Fantastic Four, but had such hope for this movie to be good.

And what’s up with that Knightmare dream sequence? Sure, if you’re a fan of the comics, you undoubtedly found yourself explaining to your non-comic-reading friends what the Parademons where, and how the giant Omega symbol in the sand was signaling the coming of their master, DC’s big-time cosmic bad guy Darkseid. But since when did Batman get visions of the future? And what’s up with the costume under a trench coat paired with goggles look?

I can’t believe the amount of merchandising that’s come out of “Knightmare Batman.” Who honestly wants the Funko Pop Vinyl of Batman in a trench coat wearing goggles? In the future countdown list of worst Batman costumes, I see Knightmare Batman taking home the prize.

Sorry, Rainbow Suit Batman. You’re just not silly enough as Batman in goggles and a trench coat.

I was hoping to like Jesse Eisenberg’s portrayal of Lex Luthor. I liked the idea of Lex being updated as a cocky, Silicon Valley millionaire. Instead, we got Eisenberg channelling Frank Gorshin as The Riddler. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED Frank Gorshin as The Riddler. But it didn’t work for Jim Carrey and it doesn’t work for Jesse Eisenberg here.

The movie fails on so many levels. Did I set my expectations too high? I don’t know. I don’t think expecting a superhero action movie to be exciting is an unreasonable expectation.

After watching Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice, I am seriously worried about the upcoming Justice League movie. If you take out the Nolan Batman movies, DC’s track record on live action movies looks abysmal in recent years, especially compared to Marvel. It is insane that when DC is doing such a great job with animation and live action TV that their live action movies would range between average to abysmal.

I have not watched the Ultimate Edition extended cut of Dawn of Justice. Can you blame me? The last thing this movie needs is more minutes padded onto it.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice is not a good movie. It’s not even a good bad movie. It’s as boring as it is long, and it is a long movie.

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We open on Jon Snow and Bear Claw, er, Longclaw. I don’t think I’ll ever not mistake the name of that sword with the name of Josh Gad’s semi-recurring character on New Girl.  Edd is talking to Jon, trying to convince Jon to stay. But Jon is headed south. He’s been up at Wall long enough and wants to get warm. Edd is feeling abandoned. Just as Jon basically says nothing could keep him at the wall,  Brienne, Sansa, and Pod show up at the gate. Well, almost nothing could keep you at the Wall, Jon.

Did everyone catch the way Tormund eyed Brienne? I am 100% shipping Redbeard/Brienne. Who’s with me? They need a good couple name. Who has a good one?

Jon and Sansa hug like they’re in November Project. #hugeveryone. They eat together for the first time since early in season one. Jon says, “We never should have left Winterfell.” Sansa agrees with him. Remember back in season one when Sansa was the worst? I mean, back then I think I liked her even less than Cersei and Joffrey, and Joffrey is pure evil! Aunt Lysa falling out the Moon Door was the best thing to happen to Sansa this series. After that, Sansa transformed herself. I remember last season telling a friend that I liked Sansa now and he looked at me in shock. Sansa Stark: no longer the worst.

Sansa wants to take back Winterfell from Ramsey Bolton. Jon is tired of fighting. He’s been fighting since he got to the Wall. He’s killed Wildlings, he’s killed his own brothers in the black. It’s all bringing him down. Even that jerk teenager who killed Ygritte, the same one who stabbed and helped to kill Jon, Jon feels bad about killing. Jon Snow: Mopey McMoperson. I almost want Sansa to slap some fire into him.

Outside, Davos is conversing with Smokey Vajayjay. Smokey is 100% #teamjon. Where Jon goes, Smokey will follow. Davos wants to know what happened to Shireen, Stannis’s daughter. He’s like 15% curious about what happened to Stannis and 85% needs to know right now if Shireen is okay. Brienne tells them that she killed Stannis. When Davos recognizes her but can’t place it, Brienne says that she served Renley and saw him murdered by Smokey Vajayjay’s vagina-smoke demon. And you thought HPV was dangerous!  Brienne isn’t subtle at all in letting it known she wants a reckoning with Smokey. Sleep with one eye open, Mellie Mel.

Down in the Vale, Robin Arryn is not drinking breast milk. I would have lost that bet. This is a surprise to everyone, not just me, right? I feel like in every scene I’ve ever seen him in, he was either drinking breast milk or crying or both. Weening off breast milk has been good for Robin. He’s grown a lot. I didn’t recognize him at first. Though as soon as I did realize it was Robin, I let out an audible, “UGH.” Littlefinger shows up with gifts for Robin. He gives Robin a falcon. Wait, no, not a falcon, a gyrfalcon. Interesting fact: Despite its name sounding mythical, the gyrfalcon is a real bird, native to North America, Europe and Asia. It’s the largest bird in the falcon family. #themoreyouknow

Royce doesn’t trust Littlefinger and immediately makes his objections to Littlefinger known. Royce then immediately falls into a classic Littlefinger trap and barely escapes with his life. Seriously, if Littlefinger didn’t let Royce out of his trap, Robin would have had Royce executed without even giving it a second thought, or even looking away from his new pet bird. Man, Littlefinger is much better at politicking than Tommy Carcetti ever was!

But by the end of the scene, all I can think is, “Ugh. Robin. Ugh. Littlefinger. Someone kill both of them.” Imagine if you lived in the Vale and you were sworn to Robin. You’re living your life, happy to be serving Jon Arryn, who everyone agrees is a stand up guy all around. Then he dies under mysterious circumstances and you’re now serving his crazy wife and still-breastfeeding-at-10 son? Oh geez. Then the mom dies and weakest of kids is in charge of the whole place? Thank goodness they’re high up in the mountains, or else this would be the first place the Ironborn reaved. Robin Aryn makes Sir Robin from Monty Python and the Holy Grail seem terrifying.

Littlefinger suggests to Robin that that Vale retake Winterfell! Littlefinger: “The time has come to join the fray.” I wonder if he means the band #howtosavealife. But pretty much anything Littlefinger suggests, Robin agrees to. He gets Robin to agree this time because he tells Robin this will impress Sansa Stark, the heir of Winterfell. Robin is initially grossed out by the idea of marrying his cousin and then way too into it. Are we sure Robin isn’t a Lannister?

The Fantastic Four, aka Tyrion, Grey Work, Missandei and Varys are meeting. Tyrion wants to negotiate with the slave masters, but saying Grey Worm and Missandei think it’s a bad idea is the understatement of the year. Tyrion meets with them anyway and gives the Great Masters of Astapor “the queen’s plan” to end slavery in seven years. Tyrion wants the Great Masters to immediately stop funding the Sons of the Harpy. It’s not a perfect plan and probably not one Dany would actually push for, but it does give Merreen immediate peace if it works out. As a parting gift,  Tyrion gives the masters three freed whores.

Grey Worm and Missandei warn Tyrion not to trust the Great Masters. Tyrion has a great line when he says of the Great Masters, “Their contempt is their weakness.”

Daario and Friend Zone have made their way to just outside of Dosh Khaleen. Daario is humble bragging to Jorah about banging Dany. It’s amazing that Jorah doesn’t punch Daario in the face every five minutes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m #TeamDaario, but man, the guy seems to just repeatedly ask for a beating.

Friend Zone is no fool; he knows the way of the Dothraki. He insists they leave their weapons outside of Dosh Khaleen. Their cover is that they are wine merchants. If they’re found with weapons, their cover will immediately be blown and their lives will be forfeit. Daario reluctantly agrees to leave his weapons behind too. Daario  has a dagger with a naked lady on the hilt. Daario is totally the creepy guy at your office who bought the pen that shows a naked lady when you turn it upside down. Jorah’s greyscale sticks out through his sleeve. When Daario sees this, he’s all, “Um, I’ll go bury my own dagger. No, no, I insist. I got this. #unclean.”

They sneak into Dosh Khaleen at night. The city is one big orgy. Daario is jealous. He wishes he was born a Dothraki. They run into some Dothraki who don’t buy their wine merchant story. One Dothraki tells the other to run off and get help. Daario chases down and kills the one who rand off.  Friend Zone isn’t doing well against the other Dothraki. As Friend Zone is being choked, Daario stabs the Dothraki is the back. A lot of people dying by literal backstabbing this season. Jorah says the Dothraki can’t find a body with a stab wound; it will put everyone on alert. Daario has the solution. He takes a rock and caves int he dude’s chest. Repeatedly. I’m not really appreciating the closed captioning during this.

Dany is with the other widows. Some of the widows don’t like Dany because they don’t think Khals should marry foreigners. The old crone thinks those particular widows are idiots. Daario and Jorah find Dany. They want to escape with her from the city, but Dany has bigger plans.

Back in King’s Landing, Princess Low Cut is in jail. A septa comes in and leads her out. Princess Low Cut hasn’t seen sunlight in some time. The High Septon wanted to meet with her. He asks Princess Low Cut where she would go if he freed her. She says to her husband, the king, and her family. The High Septon tells her a parable, but Princess Low Cut ruins the punchline and says it’s from the Book of the Stranger, hence the name of this episode. I wish it was from the Book of the Perfect Strangers. #teambalki. The High Septon gives her his personal tale of finding rock bottom. The High Septon used to be really into drinking and whoring and then one morning woke up after an orgy and realized nothing in his life mattered, so he walked out barefoot and turned to the faith.

As a reward for Princess Low Cut listening to his tale and not ruining the punchline this time, the High Septon takes her to see her brother, Loras. They lock them in his cell together. Loras has definitely seen better days. He’s unshaven and covered in rags and shit. By rags and shit, I don’t mean shit in the “and other things” sense; I mean literal shit. Princess Low Cut tells Loras to stay strong. He says he can’t. I believe him. They’ve broken him.

Cersei walks in Pycelle advising Tommen. Cersei is having none of that. She basically tells Pycelle to get the fuck out. Tommen wants to be careful in dealing with the High Septon. He’s worried about Princess Low Cut, my apologies, I mean Queen Low Cut.

Cersei and Jaime head to the small council meeting and announce it’s cancelled. Ser Kevan and Grandma are NOT happy. Who else thinks Ser Kevan and Grandma are doing the wild thing, senior center style? No? Just me? Huh. Cersei gets Grandma to back down by telling them that the High Septon’s plan is for Queen Low Cut to star in Walk of Shame II: Shame Harder.  Jaime wants Highgarden to send their army to storm the sept, free Margie and kill the High Septon. Grandma, usually suspicious of any of Cersei’s plans, is all in.

It’s funny, I don’t think Cersei realizes that Grandma is the one who had Joffrey killed.  I wonder what her reaction will be when she finds out.

Theon takes a boat to the Iron Islands. Is it me or has Asha seen better days? It looks like someone didn’t hire a trainer in the off-season. Asha thinks Theon has returned to take the throne and doesn’t believe him when he says he has no desire for it. Man, Asha sucks. But Theon wins her over when he says, “You should rule the iron islands. Let me help you.”

Up in Winterfell, Ramsey is peeling an apple. Got to keep those flaying skills sharp. His men bring Tonks into his room. He tries to intimidate her. She isn’t having it. She tells him, “I can give you what you want.” She starts grinding him but has her eyes on his knife. It’s just out of reach. I am so hoping for win here. Grab. The. Knife! Come on, Tonks! Ramsey helps her get the knife by handing it to her himself. Unfortunately, he hands it to her pointy end first in her throat. Oh man! They gone done Tonks dirty! RIP Tonks. First they kill you in Harry Potter, now Game of Thrones. Some side characters have no luck. Ramsey wipes the knife and keeps peeling his apple. Cold blooooooooooooded!

An envoy of Ramsey’s wearing the Burnt Man sigil arrives at the Wall bearing a scroll. Ominous.

It’s dinnertime at the Wall. Tormund wants some Brie on his bread. Yes, I went there. I am 100% on board for shipping Brienne and Tormund. Edd apologizes to Sansa about the food. “It’s not what we’re known for.” Apology, schmology, this is going in her Yelp review! Edd is Lord Commander??? Or is there not one? This is confusing. Having read the books, I really can’t picture Dolorous Edd as Lord Commander. But he’s not quite as dimwitted on the show as he is in the books. Jon reads the letter from Ramsay. Ramsey demands Sansa back. Tormund is ready to fight. The numbers would be 2,ooo (Jon) vs 5,000 (Ramsey). And Ramsey’s men would be behind Winterfell’s gates. Jon realizes these are hopeless odds, but Sansa urges him on. She says, “You’re the son of the last true warden of the North. A monster has taken our home and our brother. We have to go back and save them both.” After that, I’m ready to fight in Sansa’s army.

The Khals are meeting in their Khal building. The guy whose chest Daario caved in? One of the khals says his name was Aggo. Whoa, isn’t Aggo one of Dany’s bloodriders? Sure, there could be another Dothraki named Aggo, but we know so few of these guys names. Why repeat a name that is also one of Dany’s main lieutenants? I think this is Dany’s Aggo that Daario killed. Man, that sucks for Aggo. You’re out searching for Dany and you end up getting killed by the guys coming to rescue Dany? For all we know, Aggo was working his own plan to get Dany out of there. RIP Aggo.

Dany is brought before the Khals. She challenges them. She doesn’t want to live with the widows in Dosh Khalleen and serve. She wants to lead the Dothraki. The Khals laugh at her. The Khal who brought her to Dosh Khalleen tells her, “You’re not going to serve.” You’re going to die.” And that’s when Dany goes Left Eyes on the Khals. She knocks over a vat of flaming oil. The Khal House goes up in flames and fast. The Khals try to escape, but Daario and Friend zone have barred the doors from the outside. Only Dany emerges from the inferno, ready to lead. Everyone has come to see the fire. They all bow before her. Dany, you bad mother fucker. Friend Zone and Daario also bow. Daario actually prays! Friend Zone looks up at Dany. She is resplendent. The Mother of Dragons is IN CHARGE!

How does this affect your personal NYCC? Are you going to make it a priority to get Stan Lee’s autograph this year? I’ve met Stan twice and have his autograph on three comics, so getting his signature again isn’t a priority for me. That said, I know I will definitely be signing up for a photo with Stan if it’s offered. And yes, I will be wearing my Spider-Man costume from The RPC Studio.  Hmm, I better start doing some situps. That spandex outfit DOES NOT hide a belly.

All the best and excelsior, Stan! We hope you’re in good health!

In an effort to deter the rampant scalping of tickets that has plagued New York Comic Con in recent years, show promoter ReedPop has announced some big changes the NYCC ticket buying process for 2016.

The biggest news is the implementation of the new Fan Verification System. Similar to the system that is in place for tickets to San Diego Comic-Con, this new system requires that everyone who desires to buy a ticket for NYCC first set up a user profile. That profile will be good for buying one ticket for each day of NYCC. For example, Groot wants to buy tickets for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He could either buy one 3-Day Pass or buy individual tickets for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. What he won’t be able to do is buy both one 3-Day Pass and one Saturday ticket, because that would violate the one ticket per day rule.

What if you need a friend to buy you your ticket? That’s not a problem, as long as you first set up your Fan Verification profile and give your friend the email address attached to that profile. For example, Rocket needs Groot to buy him his ticket. Groot wants a 3-Day Pass and Rocket wants tickets for Saturday and Sunday. Once ticket buying begins, Groot puts in an order for tickets, and associates his profile for his 3-Day Pass and Rocket’s profile for Rocket’s Saturday and Sunday tickets. This will all be done on one order.

When are tickets going on sale? We don’t know yet and NYCC has no plans to publically announce when tickets go on sale. Fans who set up a Fan Verification profile will be emailed with the timeframe in which they can buy tickets 48 hours before they are able to purchase tickets. Monitor your inbox closely!

Do you usually buy your NYCC ticket at Midtown Comics? You won’t be able to this year. Newly announced for 2016 is that online will be the ONLY place to buy your ticket. We were headed in this direction over the past few years, as comic books stores allowed to sell NYCC tickets dwindled until it was only Midtown Comics. I’m guessing Midtown Comics doesn’t mind losing out on selling NYCC tickets. I have no idea what their commission was for tickets sold, but the managing of that line that stretched blocks and saw people lining up a full day before tickets went on sale was a daunting and thankless task. Plus, getting rid of retail sales makes it harder for the scalpers. Last year, there were reports of scalpers paying people to stand in line for them and then fronting them the cash to buy the max number of tickets.

Another big piece of news, but one that only affects a small segment of NYCC attendees: There will be no VIP tickets this year. If you’re someone who buys VIP tickets every year, this is huge news. Despite their cost, VIP tickets were always the first to sell out every year. The tickets were pricy, but had nice perks baked into them: exclusive signing sessions with top creators like Scott Snyder, the ability to get onto the show floor before other fans, and a VIP lounge where you could rest up and check your coat and bags. I’m surprised NYCC is getting rid of these tickets, but my guess is that with the new rolling tickets buying process, getting rid of the VIP tickets was easier than figuring out a way to allocate such a small number of tickets for each on-sale session.

The big question is: will the new fan verification process work? Will it stop a large segment of scalpers? On the one hand, what’s to stop scalpers from creating dummy email accounts and fan profiles to still buy lots of tickets? Under the new system, if a scalper wanted to buy 12 tickets, he would need to make 12 separate email accounts. And really, how hard is that? On the other hand, by requiring the Fan Verification profile to be setup in advance, NYCC is knocking out the scalpers that are late to the game, the ones who jumped on NYCC ticket sales day-of because they heard they were easy to flip.

Yes, there are more hurdles to climb to buy a ticket. The new NYCC ticket buying process seems more stress inducing than before. But hopefully it works, and tickets end up in the hands of fans, not scalpers. Overall, I think these changes will be for the better and not for the worse. Good luck, everyone. We hope to see you at NYCC.

More information on the new NYCC ticket buying process can be found at the official New York Comic Con website.

The episode open at the Wall, because WHERE ELSE IS IT GOING TO OPEN AFTER LAST EPISODE’S ENDING? Davos in shock by what he sees, Jon Snow breathing on the table. Jon is in even more shock than Davos. Smokey Vajayjay enters the room. She’s surprised too. That look on her face really drives home that she had 0% faith in her ability to bring Jon back. They ask Jon what he remembers. Smokey wants to know about the afterlife. Jon remembers being stabbed, but as for after death? He says it’s nothing, just nothingness. Jon actually does not seem relieved about being alive. He seems more confused about being back than happy about it. On a side note, this is the cleanest Jon has ever looked since Season 1, Episode 1.

Jon heads to the yard, where his brothers in the Black and the wildlings are assembled. They’re all shocked, though Tormund manages to get a good joke it. He says that everyone thinks Jon’s a god. Jon says that he isn’t one. Tormund gets the best lines of the episode with his response: “I know that. I saw your pecker. What kind of god would have a pecker so small?” Even Jon has to smile at that one.

The show cuts to a boat at sea. Sam and Gilly are on the boat. Sam is puking nonstop. Gilly is pretty upbeat, which is a total change from the books. I remember her crying her way through this whole boat trip in the books.  Gilly even tries to lighten the mood, making a joke about homophones. She’s seriously more upbeat than she was in the books. I like that. Sam wants to take her to Horn Hill, his family home. She’s having none of it though, insisting that she and the baby stay by his side, even though the Citadel doesn’t allow women. I love how assertive she is. Gilly on the show >>>>> Gilly in the books.

When the next scene started, all I could think was, “Great. More new people who all look alike.” But no, we’re in the past. It’s Young Ned with Howland Reed, Meera’s dad. They’re meeting with some Targareans. This happens after the Battle of the Trident. Holy crap, Ned’s there for his sister. Remember, the popular story in Westeros is that Rhaegar kidnapped Ned’s sister Lyanna, held her in a tower and raped here. However, popular fan theory, and if you read the books, it seems to be all but spelled out that Rhaegar and Lyanna were in love, married in secret, and Jon Snow is the product of that marriage.  Now, Rhaegar’s dead and Ned wants his sister back. Arthur Dayne and some other Targarean loyalists block Ned’s way. Arthur Dayne is known for his sword prowess, and he definitely shows it off here, fighting with two swords. Bran watches. Dayne holds off Ned and his men four to one, and even takes three of them down before it’s only he and Ned. He disarms Ned. But Howland Reed stabs Dayne in the back off his neck, allowing Ned to cut him down. A woman screams from the tower. Lyanna, obviously. Is she screaming in childbirth. Is Ned going to get up the steps just in time to see the birth of his nephew, whom Ned will tell people is his own bastard son?

Bran calls out father and Ned turns, but sees nothing. Bran wants to follow but the old Tree-man won’t let him. What a jerk! Back in the Tree-man’s lair, the Tree-man tells Bran, “You must learn.” Bran asks, “Learn what?” To which the Tree-man responds, “Everything,” but really is saying “Everything about Jon Snow so that the viewers and readers can finally have the facts straight about his background!” (edited for time).

Dany is taken to the where the Dosh Khaleen live. That dragon necklace of Dany’s looks like those wireless bluetooth headphone bases that I keep seeing people wear on the subway. How long before ThinkGeek sells an exclusive Game of Thrones wireless bluetooth headphone set?  Dany had to march here on foot. They wouldn’t rape her out of respect, but they also wouldn’t even give her a horse as they take her back to Dothraki Town.The old Khaleesis that make up the Dosh Khaleen aren’t as old as I thought they would be. I expected them to all have white hair and really look like old crones, but I guess since most Khals don’t make it to old age, their widows would be on the young side. They strip Dany of all her garments and jewelery and dress her in plain brown robes. The oldest widow, who is maybe 55 tops, gives Dany some real juice to drink up after Dany proclaims that she’s the mother of dragons, Queens of Mereen, yadda, yadda, yadda. The (sort of) old crone says all the women there thought their Khal was going to conquer the world with them at their sides, and Dany is no different. The lady has a point.

Over in Mereen, Varys meets with that prostitute who slit that Unsullied guy’s neck during the Sons of the Harpy uprising late last season.. Her name is Vala. She’s surprised he knows her name. She’s then even more surprised that Varys knows everything about her, down to her son having asthma. Varys bribes her with safe passage for her and her son out of Mereen in trade for information.

Tyrion, Missandei and Grey Worm are sitting around a table waiting for Varys and are having the most awkward time possible. Grey Worm is even worse at being a conversationalist than Tyrion is at being a warrior. You can tell none of them are enjoying this. Varys, come and save them! It gets to the point that Tyrion wants to play drinking games with them to get the pair of them to open up. They don’t drink. Of course. Varrrrrrryyyyysssssssss!

Varys enters with news. He found out who are funding the Sons. Surprise, surprise, it’s all of Dany’s enemies. Astapor, Yunkai, and…I forget the third city. Basically, it’s everyone with a beef with Dany who does not have the last name Lannister.

Varys’s former Little Birds in King’s Landing are now in the employ of Qyburn, who is meeting with all of them. The show has suddenly turned into Oliver Twist. I wonder which one is the Artful Dodger. Qyburn offers them candy, which somehow manages to make Qyburn, the Dr. Frankenstein of Westeros, even creepier.

The Mountain returns to Qyburn’s lab. The kids are shocked, which is 100% the right reaction to seeing a zombie in full plate armor. . Cersei and Jaime are with the Mountain. Cersei wants Qyburn’s Little Birds in Dorne, Highgarden and the North. If anyone is laughing at her after she was paraded naked through the streets, she wants to know. Cersei 2.0 is fiercer than ever.

At the small council, Grand Maester Pycelle is talking some serious trash on Qybrun and Mountain. He’s, of course, overheard when the Mountain, Cersei and Jaime walk in. You can almost see the exact moment when Pycelle poops his pants. Cersei and Grandpappy Pycelle snipe back and forth. Jaime wants revenge on Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes. Instead of manning up over the death of his grand-niece, Cersei’s uncle calls the meeting to a close.  I get that you want to be in charge, Uncle Kevan, and don’t appreciate Cersei storming in or Jaime announcing himself as having a seat on the council, but come on! They murdered the king’s sister! The king to whom you’re the Hand! What a pussy.

The High Septon is in the sept. Tommen enters and confronts him. Tommen finally stands up for himself. It’s kind of great that he’s finally showing some backbone. He wants Cersei to be able to see his sister’s final resting place. No dice. The High Septon says it’s not up to him, it’s up to the gods. This reminded me of the scene from season two of Silicon Valley when Russ Hanneman told his son, it wasn’t his call that it was his son’s bedtime, it was the robo-voice app announcing it. The High Septon gives Tommen a speech on the Mother’s love, just in time for Mother’s Day! Well played, Game of Thrones! The High Septon says of Tommen and Cersei, “There’s so much good in all of us. The best we can do is help each other bring it out.” By the end of the speech, I half expected Tommen to join the Faith Militant.

The show cuts to Stick training (read: beating) Arya. Half hertime is spent questioning Arya. The other half is spent beating her. Okay, it’s more like 48%/48%, because there’s a small bonus training of Arya sniffing different powders. One day in training (beating), Arya manages to make a block. Jaqen is happy. He ends the training (still read: beating) and pours Arya a bowl of death soup. She’s obviously hesitant about eating it. But she does. Instead of killing Arya, it gives her sight back. Jaqen asks, “Who are you?” A girl responds, “No one.”

I can’t be the only one who wants to constantly talk like Jaqen H’ghar is everyday life. “A man needs to catch up on writing Game of Thrones recaps.”

In Winterfell, Ramsey is consolidating his power. He meets with Lord Umber. Umber isn’t happy with Jon Snow letting Wildings south of the wall. He wants to kill Snow. Too late…Oh wait, never mind. Ramsey wants Lord Umber to bend a knee to him, to which Umber responds, “Fuck kneeling and fuck oaths. I have a gift for you.” Ramsey counters with, “I prefer redheads.” It’s actually two gifts: Rickon and Tonks! Ramsey wants to know how he can be sure it’s Rickon. Lord Umber’s men produced Rickon’s direwolf’s decapitated head.

Up at the Wall, Jon is sitting by his fire. Edd enters. “It’s time.” Time for what? Oh, time to kill the traitors. Jon asks them if they have any last words. One says, “You shouldn’t be alive. It’s not right.” Jon responds with, “Neither was killing me.” Ooooh, I call that a Snow Burn! Thorne is unrepentant. Thorne really is such a dick. He says even if he knew how it would turn out, he’d go back and kill Jon again. That kid looks more pissed than ever. I think I’m more happy with him dying than I am with Thorne dying. Jon hangs them all. For a second, it looked like he wouldn’t. I’m amazed there was any hesitation. Those dumb looks are finally off the kid’s face. Don’t forget to burn to the bodies! The last thing we need is that kid coming back as a sour-faced zombie. Edd agrees with me. Okay, so Jon hanging the traitors? Not a shock. But what comes next, Jon handing Edd his cloak and being like “Peace out?” That’s a shock! Double-you. Tee. Eff. “My watch has ended. Boom. Mic drop. Snow out. To be fair, he did serve until he died. But wow. Just wow.

Season 6 of Game of Thrones is totally the Jon Snow Show. He comes back from the dead. It looks like we’re finally going to get the truth about his parentage in these flashbacks of Bran’s. And now, Jon is quitting the Watch. Where’s he headed? Winterfell to avenge his family and kill Ramsey? Braavos to run into Arya? I’m guessing Arya will be heading out of Braavos on a mission for Jaqen soon. Will they encounter each other on the road? Will he meet Sansa as she heads north and he heads south? Will Davos and Smokey follow him? So many questions! Can you believe we’re already about 1/3 of the way through this season?!

The old man pulls Bran out of his vision of the past. In the present, an extra from the Broadway show Cats is checking out Bran. I know, I know, she’s one of the Children of the Forest. Put your keyboard down, angry German fan.

Bran asks Hodor about his past. Surprise, surprise, Hodor only responds, “Hodor.” Man, Meera has gotten older too. Meera looks like she could be Tom Hiddleston’s sister. If Marvel ever needs to cast female Loki, look no further! The extra from Cats tells Meera that Brandon needs her. She then launches into a rendition of Memories before we cut away to the Wall.

Maybe it’s a product of my 90’s suburban upbringing, but every time the show cuts to the Wall, I think of The Wall, the CD store that used to give you a sticker for any CD purchased there. If anything went wrong with the CD, they would replace it, no questions asked. It was a long time before they caught on that people saved the stickers on the side and only attached them to their CDs when one scratched, whether it was bought from The Wall or not. They eventually went out of business, possibly related to that exploit of their policy. Cue Closing Time.

Sorry, back to the show.

Up at the Wall, Thorne wants inside Davos’s room. Thorne says no harm will come to them if they open the door…which is why Thorne has a horde of archers aiming their arrows at the door. Don’t open the door, Davos, I’ve seen this before! Damn, Ghost is huge. Davos and the Jon-men bare their swords, but they keep the door locked. Thorne has a dude knock the door down with a battering ram. That kid that killed Ygritte still has that smug look from last episode on his face. Man, I hope someone stabs that kid in his stupid face. Just as Thorne’s men break into Davos’s room, the wildlings, led by Redbeard, storm the Wall. Oh man, you guys are fucked. The wildlings have a giant. That giant is so cool. I want Davos to say, “We have a Hulk,” as the giant bashing one of Thorne’s men against the Wall. Thorne’s men surrender immediately. Good call. It’s only Thorne and Smug Boy left. The kid charges. Sadly, they just disarm him quickly instead of stabbing him in his stupid face. Dolorous Edd take charge! He orders Thorne, Smug Boy and their crew to the cells. Redbeard checks out Snow’s body.

Down at King’s Landing, some dude is bragging about flashing Cersei with his cock when she did her walk of shame. What’s funny is that Lena Headley mentioned this guy when she was on NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me during the offseason. The host, Peter Sagal, asked Lena Headley about filming the walk of shame scene. She mentioned that before shooting started, she was talking to a new face at the craft services table. She asked what part he had today, and he basically said, “I’m going to be flashing my willy at you.” Glad he’s back. Too bad he won’t be back again. The Mountain teaches him a lesson. That lesson is “Brag about flashing the Queen and have your skull bashed into a wall.” I think the Mountain is actually stronger than before. The Mountain returns tot Cersei. Please Mountain, never take that helmet off, but if you do, please be the WWE’s Undertaker under that mask. And please have Qyburn follow him around with an urn full of the Hound’s ashes.

Cersei tries to attend her daughter’s funeral, but King Tommen has ordered his guards to keep Cersei in her room. For a second, it looks like the Mountain is about tombstone pile drive his way through about a dozen of Tommen’s knights, but Cersei has him stand down and stays put in her room.

Speaking of Tommen, he’s with his uncle-dad Jaime at Myrsella’s funeral. Unlike Joffrey’s funeral, this is a private affair, just a an uncle-dad and his nephew-son mourning the loss of niece-daughter. Welcome to royalty. How are these people not all cross-eyes and web-fingered from sharing so many chromosomes? Tommen is a lot whinier here than I remember him in the books, and less of a mother’s boy. It turns out that Tommen has Cersei confined to her room because he is too embarrassed to face her. He’s embarassed that he didn’t do anything to save his mom from jailing her walk of shame.

The High Septon aka Pope Francis walks in. Tommen wants to see Princess Low Cut. No dice. The High Septon says no one can see her, not even the king, until she confesses. Jaime sends Tommen away. Jaime and the High Septon stand off. .Jaime hints he’s going to cut down the High Septon right there. The High Septon calls his bluff. The Faith Militant appear at the top of the steps. Jaime points out that they’re too far to save the High Septon. The High Septon says that doesn’t matter. He and the Faith Militant have nothing and everything to gain. Jaime and the royalty have everything to lost. Is it me or do the Faith Militant have a lot of similarities to the Sons of the Harpy? Sure the Sons of the Harpy are mostly rich slave owners, but after that difference, I think the groups are similar. They’re both religious extremists, rising up to take down those in power.

Anyway, Jaime stands down.

Tommen meets with his mother and  begs her forgiveness. Unrelated, Tommen has a really weak chin.

In Mereen, Tyrion is meeting with Varys, Grey Worm and Missandei. In my notes, I wrote their names as “Baldy, No Dick and What’s Her Name the Scribe.” I know, I know. I’m the worst. Angry comment all you want, it won’t help me remember these names any faster. Tyrion has a great line where he says, “If I lost my cock, I’d drink all the time. No offense,” as he looks at Varys and Grey Worm. Tyrion has the best line of the episode with “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.” Seriously, it’s been less than a week and I’ve already seen a store selling that line on t-shirts. Tyrion wants to free the dragons. He has the best ideas when he’s drinking.

Tyrion goes down into the pit and talks to one of the two dragons chained up down there. In the books, the dragons melted their chains, but here on the show, they’re still bound. After telling a great story about wanting a dragon when he was a boy, Tyrion unchains the dragon. The other dragon walks over and presents his chain to Tyrion. He frees that one too. The two dragons walk away. Tyrion speeds out. Amazingly, his pants aren’t wet. Even more amazingly, he’s not toasted dragon food.

Arya has looked better. She’s definitely been on the receiving end of off-camera training beatings since last episode. She should get some tips from Daredevil. Since that waif who keeps beating her does it with a stick, maybe I’ll call her Stick after Daredevil’s mentor. After Stick finishes beating Arya for the day, Jaqen H’ghar shows up. Oh, Jaqen, you’re my favorite. He tells Arya that if she wants the beatings to stop and her sight back, she just has to say her name. Arya doesn’t back down; she says she’s no one. Jaqen’s impressed. Arya just got promoted.

The Boltons boy are having some father son time. Roose thinks Sansa will flee to her bastard brother at the Wall. Ramsey suggests killing Jon Snow. Ha. Too late. There’s news. Lady Walda has given birth to a son. How long until Ramsey kills the baby? Who wants to take bets? Before anyone can pick a date, Ramsey stabs Roose. No, Roose stabbed Ramsey. No, Ramsey stabbed Roose. Damn! Cold blooded! It’s ironic that Ramsey did Roose the same way Roose did Robb at the Red Wedding. All that was missing was Ramsey saying, “Ramsey sends his regards.”

Remember when Winterfell was a nice place 30 minutes and 30 years ago? You know, before sons were stabbing fathers. Killing his own father isn’t even the worst thing Ramsey will do today. Ramsey meets Walda and the baby in the yard. He asks Walda, “May I hold him?” Walda, the answer is always no, no, no, no, no, no. Ramsey leads Walda into his dog pen. Walda asks “Where is Lord Bolton?” To which I said to my TV, “I am Lord Bolton.” And then Ramsey said, “I am Lord Bolton.” Oh Walda. You knew you were dead the moment you walked into the dog pen. Ramsey says, “I prefer being an only child.” He sics the dogs on Walda and the baby. Those dogs have been eating really well the last two episodes. I was watching this episode with closed captioning on. I cold have done without “flesh tearing” showing up in the close captioning. Thanks closed captioneers.

Thankfully, we get to see my new favorite team-up, Sansa and Brienne. Brienne tells Sansa about encountering Arya. Sansa says she should have gone with Brienne when Brienne first offered? When did Sansa have the opportunity to go with Brienne before? I seriously just don’t remember this. A little help, readers? Roose was right, Sansa plans to head to the Wall. Theon is afraid of Jon’s wrath if they go to the Wall. He’s remorseful for everything he’s done to the Starks. He points out that even though he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, he killed those two stable boys while claiming they were Theon and Rickon, not to mention killing others in Winterfell during his short coup. Theon is riding for home, the Iron Isles. I feel like he would be safer at The Wall.

In the Iron Isles, Balon and Asha are arguing. While most of the show has passed the books, this and what’s going on with Arya, seem to be the only storylines that have fallen behind the books. Balon wants to conquer. Asha wants to shore up the Iron Isles and consolidate their rule there. Balon scoffs at her, pointing out that out of all of the kings in the War of the Five Kings, he’s the only one still alive. When Balon walks out onto that footbridge in the storm, all I thought was, “Okay, here we go. Nice knowing you, Balon.” I think Balon’s death was  handled better here on the show than it was in the books. In the books, his death seemed random and like it came out of nowhere. The old man just slipped and fell of the bridge. Was it because he was cursed by Smokey Vajayjay’s fire god? Or was he just an old man walking over a slippery and rickety bridge in a storm? Either way, his death on the TV show definitely drives the plot forward better. We are immediately introduced to Balon’s prodigal brother Euron, aka The Crow’s Eye. We immediately get to see how dangerous Euron is when he kills his brother. It’s funny how unshocking fratricide and patricide are on this show. Euron killed his brother to seize power for himself? Well, what else did you expect? During this scene, all I could think was “Woot! King’s moot time! Woot! Woot! It’s a motherfucking King’s moot!” King’s moot has to be my single favorite phrase from the books. It’s just fun to say, like chimichanga.

Smokey Vajayjay looks like her young self again. Davos enters her room. Imagine if she still looked 1,000? That would have been a hard one to explain. Davos wants Smokey to resurrect Jon. Smokey says won’t do it. Despite looking like her young self again, she’s still having a crisis of faith. But Davos believes in her, which when you think about it is really saying a lot, considering Davos’s feeling about Big Red for most of this series.

Smokey cleans Jon’s body. “What’s a man got to do to get a bath around here?” – Common Knight’s Watch idiom. Apparently, the answer is get stabbed repeatedly and die. Or mostly die. Or die. I honestly don’t know if Jon is coming back as I watch this. If it were any other show, then OF COURSE Jon is coming back. But there seems to be nothing GRRM likes more than fucking with the readers and viewers. “Hey, invest in this Ned Stark guy! He’s going places! Psych!” – GRRM in season one.

As Smokey is cleaning Jon, I think, “Wow, that’s a lot of blood on Jon Snow.” Big Red has looked better. Jon too for that matter. The jewel in Smokey’s  necklace is dark. It was dark last episode too. That can’t be a good sign. Wow, Jon looks very, very Jesus right now. This scene has all the subtlety of Zach Snyder’s Man of Steel when it comes to Jesus imagery. Mellie Mel works her magic. Yeah, that’s right. I now have three nicknames for her. Come at me, bro! She burns some of Jon’s hair. Don’t worry, she cut the hair off first. But this room must really smell great right now. Oh wait, Tormund (Red beard, not to be confused with Big Red. Big Red is Mellie Mel! Keep it straight! )is there. I guess him Tormund there, burning hair won’t make the room smell any worse. Oooh, wicked wildling burn, Billy. Thank you. Wet dire wolf, wildling BO and now burnt hair? Yum. Does Yankee Candle make this scent? Tormund is staring down Davos. Mel gives up. They need Miracle Max. Tormund storms out. Edd and Mel leave. Davos looks at Jon. Ghost sleeps. Jon lies there. Davos leaves. Ghost rises. Jon wakes up gasping! I jump off my couch gasping!

JON SNOW IS ALIVE!!!!!

Dear Game of Thrones staff: please dress Jon as the Dread Pirate Roberts next week.

Don’t worry, I still plan to keep these recaps full of the humor you’ve come to expect, but I might actually remember a name or two now (though Margaery will ALWAYS be Princess Low Cut).

Thanks for joining me for another season. Please enjoy…

Wow, that was one long ass Previously on Game of Thrones to start the episode. Did they show a scene from every episode of the series? Is a long Previously on… supposed to make it easier to tell all the brunette northmen with beards apart from each other? Or is it for people who are checking Game of Thrones out for the first time and thinking, “I’ll just jump in on this show 6 seasons in.” Smart choice there, big guy. Thankfully the Previously on… finally ends and the opening credits start. We can all agree these are the coolest opening credits of any TV show ever, right?

The episode starts on the Wall. Where else would it start? My friends, family, coworkers, casual acquaintances,  baristas and I have been theorizing for 10 months as to whether or not Jon Snow is dead. If the episode started anywhere else in the Seven Kingdoms, I would have thrown a Joffrey-sized fit!

Jon is bleeding out in the snow while Ghost howls mournfully. Davos is the first to find Jon. Jon’s friends including Dolorous Edd (see, I told you I read the books! How else would I know Dolorous Edd’s name?) are the next on the scene. None of the guys who stabbed Jon show up here. They must have all been like, “Sweet, he’s dead. Let’s leave the body here and get a nap in.” There is A LOT of blood under Jon. Despite there being more blood left on the snow than still in Jon Snow, Davos is convinced that Jon is only mostly dead and calls for Miracle Max, sorry I mean he calls for Melisandre, aka Smoky Vajayjay. I don’t care how many books I read, she will always be Smoky Vajayjay. Just like Miracle Max with Westley, Smoky Vajayjay has some hesitations about bringing Jon back.

In a meeting of the brothers later that morning, Thorne flat out admits to killing Jon. Interesting strategy there, Alliser. Amazingly, it works. People who were ready to kill Thorne seconds before this are suddenly like, “You know what? He’s right. Jon Snow had to die.” Apparently Jedi mind tricks exist in Westeros. While Thorne is explaining why they had to kill Jon, that asshole kid who stabbed Jon and shot the arrow that killed Ygritte looks on all smug. I get it, you hit your growth spurt in the off-season and you’re feeling all swagger about it, but I really want someone to hit you in your face.

Davos realizes his small group can’t take on Thorne alone. He needs the wildlings to back him up. One of the brothers still loyal to Jon goes off to find them.

Down in Winterfell, Ramsey is mourning the death of that bitchy girlfriend of his, Myranda. Seriously Ramsey, you are the only one who liked her. The only one. Some dude who looks like John Malkovich looks on. Oh, he’s the Bolton’s maester. Maester Malkovich tells Ramsey that see that Myranda’s body is properly laid to rest. Ramsey tells him to feed Myranda to his hounds; she’s good meat. Just in case you ever forget that Ramsey is crazy and the worst, the writers of the show make sure you remember with scenes like this one.

Roose Bolton meets with Ramsey. Roose wants to know who killed Stannis. I was very surprised that Ramsey didn’t take the credit and tells his father that he doesn’t know. Roose needs the North united behind him, and for that he need Sansa Stark. Retrieving her is his top priority for Ramsey.

Speaking of Sansa, she and Theon are fleeing, with Ramsey’s hounds in hot pursuit. Theon convinces Sansa to wade through a freezing river in order to lose the dogs. Hmm, looks like Theon has been reading Living With a SEAL. I love that book. Theon and Sansa hide in the trunk of a giant, overturned tree. Despite Theon and Sansa’s ice bath, the dogs are catching up. Theon decides to sacrifice himself for Sansa. He tells her to hide, then run. He then heads straight for Ramsey’s men. One of the men jokes that he’s wondering what Ramsey will cut off Theon next. The men want to know where Sansa is. Theon lies, and tells them that she broke her leg and died as they were escaping. They don’t believe him. And that’s when Theon finds out that hunting hounds can pick up a scent that’s 15 feet away. Oh come on! All this and now Sansa and Theon are going back to Ramsey?!?

And then Brienne and Pod save them! Wooooo! Brienne is getting all the love from fans for this scene, but I just want to point out that Pod actually managed to stay on his horse. Someone give it up for Pod. After Brienne and Pod kill all of Ramsey’s men, Brienne lays her sword at Sansa’s feet NEW TEAM UP!!!!

Down in King’s Landing, Jaime’s boat is pulling into port. Cersei runs down to meet them. She can immediately tell something is wrong when she sees the look on her lover/brother’s face and that casket behind him. Side note: was Bronn on the boat in this scene? Did anyone spot him? I didn’t think to look for him until afterwards.

I’m really feeling for Jaime and Cersei right now…and damn it, Game of Thrones, you did it again! Making me feel all mushy for Westeros’s favorite incest couple. But really, right now, I want a Tarantino directed Jaime and Cersei buddy road movie. Leave King’s Landing behind and travel Westeros with a sword and a lot of sass.

Princess Low Cut is in jail. Ooo, she’s dirty, and not in the fun way. She looks like she’s been sleeping in my daughter’s diapers. The used ones. A septa keeps telling her to confess. The High Septon visits. He’s playing the good cop to the septa’s bad cop. But his message is the same, he wants Princess Low Cut to confess.

Over in Dorne, the Dornish Prince and Slutty Princess Leia are getting along way too well. Okay, okay, I said last season I’d stop calling her Slutty Princess Leia. She’s been in mourning since the Red Viper died and hasn’t worn anything approaching Leia’s slave girl outfit from Jabba’s throne room in over a season. Anyone have a good nickname for her? Otherwise, Ellaria it is.

Anyway, Ellaria and Prince Doran (really? The Prince of Dorne is named Doran? That would be like Queen Elizabeth being named Brittany) are getting along WAY too well. Oh. Wait. The Sand Snakes kill Doran’s big black bodyguard and then kill him too. People who usually hate each other suddenly getting along is to Game of Thrones what getting over your father issues it to Lost; it means someone’s about to die. Going by how many people rise up to stop Ellaria from killing the prince, it seems like the prince’s bodyguard was the only person in his corner in all of Dorne. Well, maybe the bodyguard and Trystane, his son.

Speaking of Trystane, two of the Sand Snakes bust in on Prince Trystane and tell him he gets to decide who kills him. He picks whip. Spear then spears him in the back of the head. Classic Spear.

Remember last season when every time they would cut to Dorne, and we’d all be like, “Ugh, this story again. Just kill them all off!” Well, it looks like someone was listening.

In Mereen, there’s no sign of Dany. Tyrion and Varys walk the streets. Mereen has seen better days. This scene is shot in a very cool way. Lots of long shots, sometimes partially obstructed, making it seem like there are many eyes of Varys and Tyrion everywhere they turn. I kept waiting for a Sons of the Harpy ambush, but none came. Tyrion has a funny exchange with a homeless mother in which he tries telling her, “I want to feed your baby,” but it comes out, “I want to eat your baby.” Such a small change, such a big difference.

Daario and Friend Zone are riding around looking for Dany in the countryside. They spot a burnt carcass of a ram, surely the work of a dragon and not a barbecue pit! They find Dany’s dropped ring, but no Dany.

That’s because Dany is being marched in chains by the Dothraki. They whip her. They have no idea who she is. She maintains her cool despite them telling her that they plan on raping her. The two Dothraki present them before their Khal. Dany makes her play. She announces who she is. They all laugh, but the Khal believes her. It announces that is is forbidden to lie with a Khal’s widow and that none of his men shall touch her. Point: Dany. He then tells Dany he’s taking her to where all the widows of Khals go to to get old and die. Point: not Dany.

In Braavos, Arya is blind and begging. That mean waif from the temple shows up and beats her with a staff. The waif gives Arya a staff and tells her to fight. Arya says that she can’t see. The waif says that isn’t her problem. Good one, waif. Don’t you get it, Arya? You’re still being trained! The waif beats her senseless and then says, “See you tomorrow.” Good pun, waif.

At the Wall, Thorne tries getting into Davo’s room. Thorne says he promises they won’t kill everyone in the room. Unlike the people in the old SNL Land Shark sketches, Davos doesn’t fall for it. Good man, Davos. Still, it’s a half dozen of them and Ghost against the rest of the Night’s Watch. Thorne tells them to surrender by nightfall.

Smoky Vajajay is looking at her fire. She hasn’t been the same since Stannis lost his big battle with the Boltons. She gets up, looks at herself in the mirror and disrobes. The viewing audience is getting quite a show. She removes her necklace and suddenly she’s old and wrinkled. I mean really old and really wrinkled. Maybe it’s good Stannis didn’t live long enough to see who he really had sex with. What a bait and switch! The audience thought they were getting Smoky Vajajay naked but now we’re looking at this old naked lady and her old naked butt. Point: Game of Thrones. Naked Butt heads to bed. Hellllooooo, you need to revive Jon Snow!

Melisandre looking old once she took off her necklace made me think of something from the books that hasn’t been included in the show. In the books, it’s revealed that it wasn’t Mance Raydar killed by Stannis in the bonfire, but actually the Lord of Bones, a character that I do not believe made it into the show. Melisandre wove a glamour around Mance to shift the light around him so that people saw the Lord of Bones and vice versa too; when people looked at the Lord of Bones, her glamour made them think they were seeing Mance Raydar. This is so that Mance Raydar can go off on quest for Jon. Like many stories in these very long books, this storyline was streamlined for TV, and Melisandre never really goes into how her glamours work on the show. This is a long winded way of me saying that I don’t think that the necklace was keeping Melisandre young, but rather that she always looks like an a very old and weathered crone, because that is what she is. I think there is a glamour woven into her necklace, the one with the stone that burns like fire. It bends the light around her so that people see what she wants them to see, a much younger and more beautiful woman. But now that Melisandre is having this extreme crisis of faith, she’s worn down and beaten, and just doesn’t care enough to keep the glamour going. There’s no need to put on airs when everything you believed in has been taken from you. But that’s just my theory.

The Superman and Batman rivalry plays a big part in Cosmic Clash. Sure, maybe not so much that they’d name the movie after their rivalry, but it’s mentioned often and clearly drives Batman’s relationship with Superman and the rest of the Justice League.

I have to hand it to screenwriter James Krieg, the guy knows his DC superheroes. This shouldn’t be a surprise, as he penned the screenplays for Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox and the previous Lego Justice League movie, Attack of the Legion of Doom. He also wrote episodes of Batman: The Brave and the Bold, Green Lantern: The Animated Series and Beware the Batman. There are a lot of Easter eggs and in-jokes sprinkled throughout this movie that were a nice wink and nod to longtime DC comics fans. My favorite was the incorporation of Batman’s outfits from Grant Morrison’s time-travel epic, Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne. Can we please get a Lego minifig of Caveman Batman?!

The movie does come with an exclusive Lego minifig of Cosmic Boy. Spoiler alert: The Legion of Superheroes are in this time-spanning adventure. The Cosmic Boy minifig is done right, even including Lego pieces representing his magnetic powers. While it was cool to get a Cosmic Boy minifig, I really wish that the minifig was one of Batman’s time-traveling guises. Again, can we please have a Caveman Batman minifig?!

Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom don’t make it into this movie. The bad guys are Brainiac and to a lesser extent, Vandal Savage. Brainiac’s collection of miniaturized planets is used for comedic fodder; any longtime comic book collector will probably see a bit of themselves in Brainiac.

Overall, Lego Justice League: Cosmic Clash is a very fun movie, fit for both adults and kids. Are you trying to get your son, daughter, niece or nephew into superheroes and feel that the Deadpool movie isn’t the way to go? Pop Lego Justice League: Cosmic Clash into your player, sit back, and enjoy. Trust me, you will both enjoy this movie.

But before you enjoy the podcast, please enjoy the following email exchange between Billy, Dave, Nick (occasional Tuesday Night Comics guest host) and Bryan (Billy’s cohost on The Billy and Bryan Show) about The Killing Joke, Alan Moore, John Byrne and Supergirl.

From: Bryan
To: Billy, Dave, Nick
Subject: Newswire: Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy reunite for Batman: The Killing Joke animated film [feedly]

In the words of Joe Biden, this is a big fucking deal, right?

---

From: Nick
To: Bryan, Billy, Dave

It is one of the “classic Batman stories” but I don’t like it – I think I’m probably in the minority, though. I definitely do not need to read a story featuring (technically) children’s characters where (spoilers for a nearly 30 year old comic) Batgirl is paralyzed and possibly sexually assaulted and Commissioner Gordon is sodomized by circus people, all in the quest of being “edgy.” Again, though – people do seem to like it, and it is Alan Moore and the art is great, but…yeah. Not my thing.

COMICS EVERYBODY

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From: Dave
To: Nick, Bryan, Billy

 Yeah, I think it does a lot that has influenced Batman and the Batman seen in other media but as the decades pass there a parts of it that really don’t hold up. Especially the stuff that Nick points out. I do want to read it again because it has been ages since I have read it.  I remember reading and article and I think Alan Moore uses rape quite heavily in his work.

---

From: Dave
To: Nick, Bryan, Billy

This isn’t the article but it does give a good list of all the rape/sexual violence scenes:Let’s look at it by the numbers. There’s been an instance of sexual violence (much of it shockingly offhand and quickly dismissed or forgotten) in every major work Moore has written and in many of his minor works. Every volume of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen contains one instance of sexual violence (almost all aimed at Mina Murray). Lost Girls, his long germinating erotic adventure, veers between joyful sex and sexual violence so rapidly that I found myself wondering (however momentarily) if Moore even remembers the difference between the two. Neonomicon, his ode to Lovecraftian horror, features a grizzly rape. Tom Strong, his attempt to write an old-fashioned superhero comic has a rape (which is actually played as a punchline).

Even his earlier works (which in my opinion tend to be better than his offerings from the last ten years) have a disturbing pattern of sexual violence. Watchmen, V For Vendetta, Killing Joke, Miracle Man each features a scene of sexual violence. And while many of these were treated with seriousness and humanity, still others were, in my opinion, both unnecessary and ultimately insulting.

http://www.unleashthefanboy.com/comics/contrarian-fanboy-alan-more-whats-with-all-the-rapes/47048

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From: Nick
To: Dave, Bryan, Billy

Yeah, I’ve seen a few articles like that – from what I can tell, he’s used rape as a”motivating factor” in a majority of his work. I know I’ve seen it in almost everything of his I’ve read (except for Supreme and the ABC stuff).

---

From: Nick
To: Dave, Bryan, Billy

Oops! I guess there was rape in the ABC books (Tom Strong, although I don’t remember it and don’t think I’ve read the whole series). Good times, I guess!

---

From: Dave
To: Nick, Bryan, Billy

Well. lets not forget the Gooser in Top Ten.

---

 From: Nick

To: Dave, Bryan, Billy

Crap, you’re right. I figured that if it was going to happen anywhere in those books, it would’ve been in Top Ten. Honestly, I’ve found that I like Moore’s stuff less and less as I get older. Although I did re-read Watchmen over the summer (for the first time in like a decade, probably) and liked it more than I had previously. But still. There’s no rape in “For the Man Who Has Everything,” right? I still love that one.

---

From: Dave

To: Nick, Bryan, Billy

Hmmm. I don’t think so but now I want to reread.

---

From: Dave

To: Nick, Bryan, Billy

And I agree about Moore.

---

From: Dave

To: Nick, Bryan, Billy

I’m sure someone would have been raped if he did the revamp instead of Byrne:

http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/2013/01/05/comic-book-legends-revealed-400-part-2/

---

 From: Nick

To: Dave, Bryan, Billy

Jeez, Louise, John Byrne. I follow a Twitter account called “John Byrne Says” that basically just posts art and the ridiculous things he says on his forum (so you don’t actually have to read his forum) and yesterday he said:

…because I guess because she is Kryptonian she wouldn’t be affected by light? *THATS* the reason he can’t watch a TV show. This is a grown man who makes snide comments about “fanboys” and yet posts things like that. He also believes there’s a worldwide conspiracy of retailers purposefully not ordering his comics, so that they can then tell people that his comics don’t sell and that’s why they don’t order them.

---

From: Dave

To: Nick, Bryan, Billy

Hah, because John Byrne, the actress who plays her is human and humans naturally squint and a reaction to a bright light. Imagine on set someone was like stop squinting Melissa you are Kryptonian! Also when does a Kryptonian become a robot and not a super strong human? And couldn’t you just fanboy science it the other way for a no-prize? She was using her super vision and then was caught of guard by a bright light. She had to squint. I think fanboy arguments like that help move the characters of Superman/girl to unrelatable.

---

From: Billy

To: Dave, Nick, Bryan

John Byrne’s an idiot. Kara was squinting because she was using her x-ray vision to get a better look at the driver. Duh. Now give me my No-Prize. Crap, wrong company.

I’ve found that I liked The Killing Joke much more when I was 12-14 and needed comics to be cool and edgy and “NOT FOR KIDS ANYMORE!” That said, I recently read Moore’s Swamp Thing for the first time and loved most of it, and both Dave and I really like Miracleman Vol 1: A Dream of Flying (which we talk about on last week’s episode of the Tuesday Night Comics Podcast, free on iTunes #shamelessplug). Now, Batman: Year One, on the other hand, only gets better every year.

Hmmm…Instead of a podcast this week, maybe I should just post this email thread to Tuesday Night Movies? (Violet Jubilee says hi to everyone)

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Also on this week’s episode of the Tuesday Night Comics podcast, Billy and Dave read and review Miracleman Vol 1: A Dream of Flying by Alan Moore, Alan Davis and Gary Leach. And the comics industry eulogizes artist Paul Ryan.

Also, in this episode: an important message to you, from Billy and Dave, about the future of this podcast!

Billy and Dave dive into Lucifer, both the new comic book series and the new Fox show! And they review the 2nd half of the DC’s Legends of Tomorrow pilot. Plus, all about Jamal Igle’s new Kickstarter project, the best picks for comics this week, and so many reviews!

Next week’s Tuesday Night Book Club book is Fun Home.

Next week’s Tuesday Night Book Club book will be All-Star Batman and Robin Vol 1 plus All-Star Batman and Robin #10 (basically All-Star Batman and Robin #1-10. Read it this week to be ready for next week’s episode!

RIP David Bowie.

And we end up on some interesting tangents. These pics will give you a hint as to the weird places in comic bookdom where we end up this episode. And since it’s episode 101, we give you a 101 level course on a character you probably know nothing about!

Billy and Dave also talk about what comics they bought during comiXology’s massive Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, give their picks for what new comics to buy on Wednesday 12/2/15, and give in-depth reviews of Dark Knight III #1, Ringside #1, Transformers vs. GI Joe Volume 1, Tomasi and Gleason’s pre-Flashpoint run of Batman and Robin, and Scott Snyder and Jock’s run on Detective Comics, The Black Mirror.

Also, on Cyber Monday they have sales on select Dark Horse trades, select VIZ manga, as well as continuing their Black Friday sales!

Here’s your guide to comiXology’s sales on Cyber Monday:

Cyber Monday:

DC Comics Buy One, Get One Free Sale – Use promo code DCBOGO at checkout

• Offer good on all DC Comics and Vertigo titles released digitally before 9/1/15
Dark Horse Sale – 30 trades for $2.99 each – Highlights include:

• Archie vs. Predator
• Eight Vol 1
• Lady Killer Vol 1
• Rat God
• Hellboy and the BPRD: 1952

VIZ Sale – 10 volumes for $2.00 off each – Highlights include:

• Assassination Classroom Vol 1
• Tokyo Ghoul Vol 1
• Time Killers Vol 1

Marvel X-Men & The Black Vortex Sale – Every issue of this crossover event is only $0.99 each!

ComiXology is also continuing its awesome Black Friday sales, which you can read more about here.

You can go directly to the comiXology sale page here!

NYC Comic Book Stores: 

St. Mark’s Comics

The St. Mark’s sale starts Friday morning, and runs the runs all the way to Tuesday! All back are issues half price, plenty of comics will be priced at only a buck each, and much more!

Midtown Comics

In-Store: 25% off everything in the store at all three locations on Friday from 8 AM to 12 noon. 20% off everything in the store from Friday at noon through the close of business on Sunday.

Online: Up to 75% everything on the site. Discount varies by category and item. Good luck using their online search tool. I can never get that thing to work correctly. But if you’re patient, you might find yourself with a very good deal staring back at you from your screen.

Forbidden Planet

20% everything in the store on Friday, 9 AM – midnight.

JHU Comics

The sale starts today, Wednesday and run through Sunday. Note: they are closed on Thanksgiving. The more you buy the more you save! 40% purchases of $300 or more, 30% off purchases of $75-$299.99, 25% off purchases of $30-$74.99, and 20% off purchases of $19.95-$29.99. This is good at both locations.

Online:

Image Comics

The Image Comics sale has started already, and runs until 12/2/15 11:59 PM at imagecomics.com. $0.99 single issues and 50% select collections. Or, in comiXology, use code IMAGE at checkout. Purchases have to be made through comiXology’s web store. Here’s the landing page for the Image sale on comiXology.

Dark Horse Comics

All single issues are $0.99. This works on the Dark Horse website, comiXology and the Amazon Kindle store.  The sale is live now!

Marvel Comics

The Marvel Black Friday sale has also already begun! These sales run through 12/2.

Marvel has a bunch of digital collections on sale for up to 60% off on comiXology. Here is the full list:

• Avengers/X-Men: Utopia
• Avengers Vs. X-Men
• Death of Wolverine
• Fear Itself
• House of M
• Marvel 1602
• Original Sin
• Secret Invasion
• Secret Wars
• X-Men: Battle of the Atom

There is also a Spider-Verse Black Friday single issue sale. All single issues are $0.99. Here is the full list:

• Superior Spider-Man #32-33 
• Spider-Man 2099 #5
•  Amazing Spider-Man #1-18
• Spider-Verse #1-2
• Spider-Verse Team-Up #1-3
• Spider-Woman #1-4
• Scarlet Spiders #1-3
• Spider-Man 2099 #6-8
• Amazing Spider-Man #1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 1.4, 1.5, 16.1, 17.1, 18.1, 19.1, 20.1

Happy shopping! This list will be updated as more sales are announced, so be sure to bookmark it!

Attack on Titan is a mega-successful hit anime and manga which I have never watched or read. So when a friend asked who wanted to see the live action adaptation of the property, of course I said yes.

Photo courtesy of @ilikecomicstoo.

A group of about eight of us went to see Attack on Titan: Part One in the theater. Out of everyone, I was the one least familiar with the series. I have intended to dive into Attack on Titan for some time now, but just kept finding other books to read, movies to watch, and TV series to get lost in.

Before the movie started, there was already a palpable feeling of dread in the audience, and with good reason. Early reviews had not been kind, and beloved characters had been dropped from the live action version. The names of these characters were meaningless to me. The most I had read and watched of Attack on Titan before this was flipping through a few pages of this year’s Free Comic Book Day offering and watching @ilikecomictoo’s video of the Attack on Titan-themed Escape the Room event that took place at the Staten Island Yankees game over the summer. But imagine if the Harry Potter movies had dropped Dumbledore. From talking to people at the theater, it was this big a change.

In a way, I was lucky to not be familiar with the characters or story. Any changes, big or small, would be lost on me. That said, as I was watching the movie, I couldn’t tell if some of the not great bits were or weren’t just created for the movie.

Judging the movie strictly on its own merits as a standalone film, it’s not very good…and that’s being generous. If I was giving it a letter grade, I’d have to go with a D+. It’s the kind of movie that you would find on the bottom shelf of your local video store when local video stores were a thing. It seems like the filmmakers blew the vast majority of their budget on the Colossal Titan. I will say the Colossal Titan did look cool. Unfortunately, this came at the expense of every other piece of special effects in the movie. Eren’s titan form looked like a rubber suit – because it was.

My favorite parts of the movie were bits of dialog that were unintentionally funny. I don’t know if something was lost in translation, but the scene where that one girl asks Eren, “Do you want to be my daughter’s father?” followed by “Do you not like single mothers?” had me cracking up for days after seeing the movie. People who have gone through the trauma of sitting through this movie all the way to the end should use these quotes to identify each other out in the wild.

Besides the cool looking Colossal Titan, those two golden nuggets of dialog, if the movie was good at anything, it was in making me become an immediate fan of Potato Girl. I am 100% on #TeamSasha. My big hope for Attack on Titan: Part Two is that the movie is all Potato Girl. Yes, I will be watching Part Two (we bought our tickets before Part One opened. And this is a fun group. I’d see any not so good movie with them). Despite this movie not being good, it did get me more interested in the source material, so that’s a win for it, right?

Photo courtesy of @ilikecomicstoo.