Tuesdays

Five Years.

2019-01-14T09:53:00.000-08:00

January 14th, 2014.

Five years ago today we learned the horrific news that our daughter’s heart stopped beating in my womb. I had carried her for four and a half months.

As I travel this journey of child loss, the bitter reality of losing our one and only daughter, Ava Grace, I think of all the things that could have taken place in those five years. Her first giggle, first steps, her first words, play dates, dress up, holidays, costumes for Halloween, preschool, preschool graduation, the list could go on and on. I wonder and dream what life would have been like with her.

No matter how long it’s been, child loss Mamas and Daddies remember.

No matter how long it’s been, we still cry.

No matter how long it’s been, we still honor.

No matter how long it’s been, we are still their parents.

And they will forever be our children.

Thank you for your prayers and support as we continue to walk this path.

We miss you Ava Grace. Hugs and kisses.

Birds Eye View

2016-03-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

To all the babies born sleeping, those we carried but never held, those we held but could not take home & those who came home but could not stay...

Birds Eye View creates hand sized art pieces that remember and cherish those who have left this earth too soon.

If you are a grieving mama, daddy, extended family member, or friend of someone who has lost a child, please private message me and I will create a custom piece for you or a loved one and mail it - free of charge.

Please include if known:

*Child's name
* Parents' name & mailing address
* Any additional information in regards to the loss

Child loss is very dear to my heart. On January 14, 2014 our daughter Ava Grace passed away from Turners Syndrome. The inspiration for the name *Birds Eye View* comes from our daughter's name. Ava means, "Little Bird" and we know she is watching us from Heaven, with the perfect "birds eye view."

1+1+1=3

2016-01-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm scared to meet new people. Typically, after introductions these questions follow:

"Do you have children?"

"How many?"

"How old are they?"

Most people aren't prepared for my answer and, as a mother who has lost a child, these interactions can become uncomfortable and strained when they learn about our daughter Ava Grace.

Recently, I was in Starbucks grabbing a coffee and the barista asked me what I had going on that night. I told her my hubby and I were headed out on a much needed date.

Her next question was, "Oh! Do you have kids?"

“Yes.”

“How many?”

"Two boys.”

“How old are they?”

“5 years and 10 months."

I felt like vomiting after those words tumbled out. When I got back into the car, I burst into tears and told David.

It was the first time since Ava died that I flat out lied.

How could I deny the acknowledgement of her short, but precious life inside my womb?

I was afraid of the barista’s response. I valued her and my own comfort more than the acknowledgement that my daughter will always be a part of our lives. I assumed she would be like so many others... that she would give me the uncomfortable silence or awkward response that so often happens after this painful truth is revealed.

* I carried Ava for 18 weeks in my womb and felt her little kicks and movements.

* We have her precious footprints - the size of David's thumbnail.

* Her ashes fit in a tiny urn smaller than my fist.

In two days, it will mark the two year anniversary of Ava's death. January 14, 2014. Her "angelversary" as grieving parents call it... There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her.

The days in January and June are the hardest - those months my heart aches the most.

January is when I lost her and mourn her death.

And in June, I mourn for her and all the things she could have been.

Last week in my child loss support group, we talked about the fact that we take comfort in knowing our children are with their Heavenly Father, but that comfort doesn’t mean that we miss them any less.

I'm still scared to meet new people, but I resolved that night to never deny the existence of Ava again.

1+1+1=3

Nothing will ever change that.

Heaven Party

2015-09-29T08:58:00.001-07:00

On June 19th, Ava turned one...in heaven. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I LOVE throwing parties, especially themed parties to celebrate my loved ones. To not have the opportunity to throw my daughter her first birthday party...well, I don't have words to describe my heart break.

We still wanted to do something special in memory of her first birthday, so we purchased a pink balloon. We went to our favorite park as a family and released it into the sky.

Ava's little brother holding her balloon

While I was unable to throw Ava her first birthday party here on earth, God comforted my heart by reminding me that she had an incredible birthday in heaven. She celebrated with all my friends babies who went to be with Jesus too soon. And she had Jesus by her side.

Each day that passes, is one day closer to heavens gates.....

I will never have to say "good-bye" to her again.

Happy First Birthday, Ava Grace!

The Double Standard in the Pro-Life Community

2015-06-23T08:28:00.002-07:00

A Mother announces her pregnancy to family, friends, and over social media. We rightfully rejoice this new life, and all its possibilities, alongside the expectant mommy.

What happens to this support when she miscarries her baby at 8 weeks, 10 weeks, or even at 12 weeks?

Pro-Life supporters shout from the roof tops that life begins at conception. The National Right to Life website states: "The life of a baby begins long before he or she is born. A new individual human being begins at fertilization, when the sperm and ovum meet to form a single cell." Men and women preach it, breathe it, and believe it.

I have had an overwhelming number of girlfriends miscarry in their first trimester and an unsettling theme continues to reappear in my conversations with them: Lack of support from the Pro-Life community.

Instead of coming along side the grieving parents and supporting them emotionally or in tangible ways, many pro-life supporters choose to distance themselves or respond by making hurtful comments such as, "You're young, you'll have more kids," "That is so sad," and "At least you were only __ weeks along". If we truly believe that life begins at conception, then a miscarriage is the death of a human being, Why do some of us decide it's easier to avoid or minimize the grief of these parents whose babies have died?

My friend Susan who had a first trimester miscarriage shared this with me, "The biggest point is the fact that no matter what point the loss occurred, we lost what could have been. That takes its toll forever, in big and small ways. In the quiet moments when you're by yourself and wonder what it would have been like or are taken off guard by the thoughts of what would he/she look like now a year and a half later; how would he/she be different than the wee one I currently hold in my arms....would he have green eyes like his daddy; would he/she have been a snuggler and want to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed unlike Samantha? Those thoughts catch you so off guard. "Sad" hasn't ever, and even now, still doesn't even begin to cut it. It is such a neutered word for the breadth of emotion that is experienced. "

Just because these mothers' didn't lose their children in the second or third trimester, doesn't make their babies any less important. The end result is still the same. They will never see their babies first steps or giggles. These parents lose Christmas mornings, loose teeth, and first days of school. They will never see the person their child would have become. They lose it all.

This double standard in the pro-life community must be replaced with love, support, and encouragement towards the parents who are dealing with the tragedy of a miscarriage. Grief is as individual as a fingerprint and while some parents may grieve openly, others may want to do so privately. Some ways to support the individual couples include:

Acknowledge the life that was growing in the mother's womb, even if it was brief. You won't make the pain worse by talking about her loss. Silence sends the message that you don't care.
Give or send a gift, keepsake, or memento to memorialize their baby whose life ended too soon. Etsy is a wonderful resource.
Send a card or note of encouragement, particularly on special days ( due date, anniversaries, Mother/Father's Day, etc.).
Take the initiative.....whether it be dropping a meal off, grocery shopping, delivering coffee, cleaning their house, watching their children, etc.

Note: Don't say, "Let me know if you need anything." That puts the burden on the grieving parents to ask for help. Just do it.

Pray for them. Or better yet, send an email, text message, or leave a voicemail to let them know you are praying for them.
Be with them, Offering a hug, listening ear, or a simple, "I'm sorry" will mean so much.

Every life matters.

Redeeming Tuesday

2015-05-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

People reference Monday as being the dreaded day of the week. I have never dreaded a day of the week until last year. On Tuesday, January 14th, 2014 we learned the devastating news that our daughter Ava had died in my womb. The following Tuesday we got the call that Ava's body was ready to be cremated. The Tuesday after that we learned that her ashes were ready to be picked up. After that triple-play, I despised and dreaded Tuesdays. There were many weeks I wished Tuesday could be erased from the calendar.

One night as I was struggling to sleep, the Lord put a desire on my heart to start a miscarriage blog. As I thought about what to name it, the dreaded word and day of the week Tuesday continued to taunt and jeer at my grieving heart. "Screw Tuesdays!" my heart screamed... In the wee hours of the night, laying on my tear soaked pillow, God spoke to my heart. He told me I needed to follow His lead and redeem the day I had come to hate; the day that decided to show up every week and remind me of what I lost. While those three horrific Tuesdays threatened to steal my joy and spiral me into depression, God's grace allowed me to create something beautiful. I began sharing my grief journey with others through this blog, named Tuesdays in memory of Ava.

Little did I know what was to come...

Last June, I discovered that I was pregnant again. Many tears were shed as I continued to grieve Ava's death, while rejoicing over the life growing inside me. We soon learned that Ava was going to have a little brother.

Due to my many health issues, my doctor recommended that I be induced a week early. As we started discussing dates, my doctor suggested being induced on Tuesday, February 3rd.

"Yes!" I cried.

On Tuesday, February 3rd, 2015 at 10:48 p.m., we welcomed Ava's little brother Isaac David into our family.

Take that, Tuesdays.

Farewell Wedding Dress

2015-03-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Almost every girl dreams of the day she can walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams while wearing a wedding dress that makes her look and feel fabulous. I was no different and in my case, fell in love with the first dress I tried on at the bridal shop .Remember the part in the movie Cinderella where she tries on the lost glass slipper and it fits perfectly? That was this wedding dress for me. I purchased it right off the rack with no alterations.

Fast forward seven years later to a beautiful life with one son and another baby on the way. Mommy's instinct told me it was a girl. I imagined telling her all about the story of my wedding dress, having her try it on and playing dress up. Little did I know how that dream would be shattered.

From the very beginning, David and I planned on having three children. Last month, we welcomed Gideon and Ava's little brother Isaac David into the world. We now have two boys on earth and a daughter in heaven. As I have reflected and grieved this reality, a thought has come back multiple times...what do I do with my wedding dress?

About two weeks ago, a family friend of mine posted an article on my Facebook wall and a message stating, " I'm going to donate my wedding dress in your name." Curious, I clicked on the link and began to read. I was moved to tears. The full article is here:

Once I finished reading this article - I knew instantly what to do with my wedding dress.

Angel gowns.

My wedding dress will be recycled and transformed in to angel gowns for babies who are laid to rest.

Ava will never have the opportunity to wear my dress, but sweet angel babies will.

Goodbye dream, farewell dress.

...............................................................................................................................................

For more information, click here. If you would like to donate a gown, you can ship it to: NICU Helping Hands at 301 Commerce Street, Suite 3200; Fort Worth, TX 76102.

One Year Later

2015-01-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow it will be a year...365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes or 31,536,000 seconds will have passed since learning the tragic news that our daughter Ava Grace died in my womb. As I have been reflecting on that day that changed our lives forever, I have thought a lot about how my husband and I were robbed of the opportunity to raise her, nurture her, and protect her, throughout her life....

I have gotten angry on more than one occasion thinking about it, but then God gently reminds me that we didn't lose the privilege of loving her.

I will always treasure....

This picture of her tiny footprints next to David's finger.

Her stocking on our mantel.

Her Christmas ornaments

The garden box David built in her memory.

Her baby shoes and assorted baby items that we accumulated in anticipation of her birth, along with the sweet gifts and sympathy cards we received after her death.

Our Memorial tattoos

Remembering all the sweet acts of kindness that our friends did in her honor.

And wearing the beautiful pieces of remembrance jewelry I received from dear friends.

Even though her tiny body is now a thimble-full of ashes, Ava is and always will be a part of our family. We will continue to speak her name and remember her life until our last breath here on earth. Next month I am giving birth to her little brother Isaac. I look forward to when I can share with him the beautiful, yet short life his sister lived and how she changed our family. We have been carved into different people, ones who understand the fragility of life and cherish the sacredness of every moment with those we love. Our dreams for her life will never be, but she will live on in our memory and be loved by us for eternity.

Up, Up, and Away

2014-11-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

For my 30th birthday I decided it would be fun and exciting to do something crazy to commemorate my milestone. I chose skydiving. Unfortunately, my jump was canceled due to weather. I rescheduled and again it was canceled. And again. And again. That entire summer, every time I rescheduled it was canceled due to weather issues. I was really disappointed, but the more I thought about it- the more I thought...was this a 'sign' that I wasn't supposed to jump? Thoughts began swirling around in my head. Was God saying "No" because He knew I was going to die and wanted to protect me? I ended up not going and losing my deposit.

Fast forward two years later. My 32nd birthday was rushing towards me like a Japanese bullet train and I was dreading it. Never in a million years did I imagine I would become a bereaved parent at 32. Ava was due June 19th and my birthday was June 7th. I didn't want to celebrate my 'birth' day. How could I when my own daughter wouldn't be? My belly should have been bulging with the life of our daughter and instead I was grieving what never was to come. Our family would never experience her kisses, her giggles, her smiles, her tears, her coos, her snuggles, her birthdays, her milestones, etc...everything a parent hopes for, dreams for, and longs for.

The weekend of my 32nd birthday, I came home from running errands and discovered a note from my husband informing me that he was whisking me away for a surprise birthday getaway. He took me to one of my favorite vacation spots - Cannon Beach, Oregon. That next morning he woke me up really early and announced we were going for a drive and to dress comfortably.....

I soon learned that he had scheduled a surprise skydive for me.

The weather was perfect. Soaring and flying above the clouds at 14,000 feet was breathtaking. It was the closest I had been to Ava since she died and it will probably be the closest I will ever be again until I meet her in heaven. Those moments floating were so meaningful and a huge healing process in my grief. I got to be as close as I humanly could to her - on my birthday. As we began to descend, my instructor asked if I wanted to hang out in a cloud for a bit. "Not many people can say that they've hung out in a cloud!" he remarked. Of course I took him up on the opportunity. He had me take over steering the parachute and directed me to a huge cloud. We circled around, inside several times. Those moments in that cloud were indescribable. It reminded me of the beautiful Precious Moments piece that David gave me for Mothers Day. I felt connected to Ava in a way I had never felt before.

I realize now that two years ago, God wasn't saying "No, don't jump." Instead, He was saying, "Wait Sarah. Wait for MY perfect timing because your skydive is going to be more meaningful than you will ever imagine."

Big Sister

2014-07-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

In April, David surprised me with news that he was taking me to Cannon Beach, Oregon for Mother's Day weekend. Throughout my life Cannon Beach has been a place of refuge and renewal for my heart, so I was very excited to arrive. I couldn't wait to have a long talk on the beach with God.

That Mother's Day weekend, I let it all out... I cried and angrily told God how mad I was that He could have healed Ava, but He didn't. He could have saved her, but He didn't. He didn't answer my prayers...

or so I thought...

It was there, on the beach in front of Haystack Rock, that He gently reminded me that He had answered my prayers, just not in the way I had planned or wanted.

I had prayed for a daughter and He had given me one to live inside me for 18 weeks. I held her in my womb every second of her life.

As I reflected on that, I felt Him speak to me - "You will get pregnant again and you will have a son."

I shook my head dismissively and didn't think much of it until June 9th. I was a few days late and decided to take a pregnancy test. To my surprise, the pregnancy test was positive!

Life was and has been a roller coaster of emotions from that moment as I have been processing the fact that I have a new life growing inside me and that Ava is a Big Sister in heaven.

Our 6 week appointment showed a heartbeat and a tiny life beginning to take form.

We really wanted both Gideon and Ava to be part of the pregnancy announcement and I was struggling on how to incorporate Ava. I recently joined a Pregnancy After Loss Support Group online via FB and a group of mothers shared their "Announcement-after-loss" ideas with me. All of the ideas were beautiful, but one stuck out to me in particular.

I went to Etsy and contacted Lisa from CustomInkSpirations and ordered pink angel wings to use for Ava's presence in the announcement. Lisa was wonderful to work with and shipped the beautiful handmade wings quickly. We then posted this Facebook announcement and picture.

8 weeks

"Our family is excited to announce that we are expecting a 'Rainbow' Baby, due February 2015. A Rainbow Baby is a child conceived after the death of a previous child. The term refers to the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravage of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath of the previous child's death. It is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds as a sign of hope and joy for the future."

When Ava died, my eyes were forcefully opened to how fragile life truly is and how it can be gone at any moment. I am overjoyed knowing that we are expecting our third child and that Gideon and Ava are a Big Brother and a Big Sister to this new baby.

It's also absolutely terrifying.

I miss the innocence and naivety I once had. I now know from experience, how plans, lives and dreams can change in a nanosecond.

I am scared the past will repeat itself. It is a daily struggle, but by the grace of God, I am learning to let go of my fears and worries and replace them with joy and hope.

I know Ava would would want me to love her little brother or sister just as much as I love her. I want to remember and cherish every moment of this pregnancy.

Ava would want it that way.

In Her Honor

2014-06-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was Ava's due date. Instead of celebrating her birth and holding her in our arms, we grieved her death and our arms were empty. While we are absolutely devastated by her death, we wanted to attempt to experience some form of "beauty from ashes" and honor her. After talking it over, David and I decided to ask our friends, family, and coworkers to do a random act of kindness in her honor, on her due date. Buy a neighbor flowers or a stranger coffee, pick up garbage in a neighborhood, or send an encouraging note, etc. etc.
We then asked them to share what they did via text message, Facebook, or email. Later that evening after we wrote letters to Ava and then released our 19 pink balloons into the sky, we came home and read all the ways people showed kindness and honored her that day.

Knowing that Ava's life impacted people across the world on her due date in the form of random acts of kindness, is a balm to our grieving hearts while paying tribute to her beautiful, short life here on earth. We would like to thank each person and every family who participated. You are each a blessing to us. Below is a list of beautiful acts of kindness that people did in remembrance of our sweet angel, Ava Grace Hoffman.

Made care packages filled with food, hygiene supplies, and resource information for the homeless and passed them out
Paid for someone else's gas
Bought a young woman's grocery items that were not covered by her EBT
Baked goodies and shared them with coworkers
Donated girl clothes to a mommy in need.
Baked bread for an elderly neighbor.
Baked cookies to share with a shut in neighbor
Purchased coffee(s) for a person(s) in line
Bought movie tickets for a couple in line at the movie theater
Watched a friends kids unexpectedly
Picked up trash in the neighborhood
Sent an encouraging note
Donated to a charity in Ava's name
Paid for a friend's coffee
Shared freshly picked cherries from an orchard with a neighbor
Purchased a bouquet of flowers for a shut in neighbor
Paid for someone else's parking
Gave a homeless girl bus tickets.
Spontaneously took care of grandkids for three days
Donated money to Compassion International's fund for maternity and infant care in third world countries in Ava's name
Donated a quilt in her honor
Tipped a waitress extra
Saved a seat on the bus for an elderly lady
Ordered two hoodies from the crossfit gym and gifted one to my roommate
Sent money to a friend who is fighting cancer, to help with medical bills
Left flowers for a shut in neighbor
At work and wanted to love on the kids and volunteers today. We had 69 kids and 6 volunteers today, so I made sure they all knew how special and loved they were
Showed kindness to my husband after he annoyed me
Helped take care of a dog who had extensive oral surgery
Helped two teachers pack up their classroom
Purchased a stranger's daughter her first pair of tap shoes and also bought her brother a toy
Showed extra love, care, grace, and patience to my girls
I let an older woman go ahead of me at the store
Made bracelets to pass out to friends
There is a little boy in my neighborhood who comes from a very poor family. I saw him the other day when he was playing outside and he was wearing broken shoes that were at least a size too small. I have been planning on going to a store and buying him a pair of shoes for days now. What better day to do it and what better reason than to celebrate your amazing strength in Ava's honor?
Donation in Ava's name to March of Dimes. While this is a small gesture I hope it reinforces that no life is without meaning and worth
Donated to the Thinking of Nikki Foundation in Ava's honor. The foundation helps families and children in Pennsylvania dealing with pediatric cancer
Asked someone to dinner
Wrote an apology letter to an old friend
Helped a homeless family

June 19

2014-06-17T14:02:00.001-07:00

June 19th, 2014. Last October I couldn't wait for that day to arrive. It was Ava' s due date. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with her, I began dreaming and imagining all the fun things we would do together and as a family. Little did I know that on January 14th, 2014 I would be staring at her motionless body on the ultrasound screen and hearing the words,

"I'm sorry, but I can't find a heartbeat."

June 19th is two days away. Instead of welcoming our baby girl into this world, we are grieving all of the tomorrows that will never be.

There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.

7-19-14 will come and go without you, my little love, but you will always be in our hearts.

You are loved.

You are missed.

You will always be remembered.

Rocked by Rocky

2014-06-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at the gym, I found myself wiping away tears and attempting to hold back the sobs that were engulfing my body. Moments earlier I had ran into an acquaintance who had known I was pregnant, but didn't know Ava had died. She approached me excitedly and asked, " Where's your baby?!"

I told her the news.

She cried with me, hugged me, and told me how sorry she was for my loss. By the time we parted, I was late to my spin class. I was half tempted to skip it altogether, but felt an urge to go in anyway. I jumped on a bike, buried my head down and pedaled with all my strength. As I cycled, I angrily thought.

It is the month of June.

My belly should be bulging with life.

I should be feeling Ava's adamant kicks, communicating to me that she is running out of space in my womb.

I should be waddling like a penguin.

I should be finishing up the touches of Ava's owl themed nursery.

David should be installing our second car seat.

Instead:

I am grieving.

My womb is empty.

My baby weight is gone.

Ava's nursery is boxed up and in storage.

Her car seat has been donated.

June 19th is speeding toward me and I am dreading it. What should be a marvelous, joyous day of bringing Ava into this world will be replaced with mourning what will never be. My internal thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a voice. A man's voice. I recognized it instantly - Sylvester Stallone. Startled, I looked up and around but he was no where to be seen.

"Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!"

Chills went down my spine as it ended. Hearing Rocky's speech played out on my instructor's iPod rocked my broken, scarred heart. For the remainder of spin class, I mentally processed what he had said. When I left my class, my perspective on life was a little different.

I will still be mourning Ava's death on her due date, but I don't want her legacy to be that her death permanently broke me. Instead, her life and my love for her will help sustain my survival.

Baby Shoes

2014-06-03T12:30:00.002-07:00

I had a feeling when I got pregnant for the second time that I was having a little girl. I purchased a little pair of black dress shoes and dreamed excitedly of when she would wear them.

I took a picture of her little black dress shoes along with all the beautiful flowers, blanket, and cards that we received after her death. Her little shoes are stored in her memory box. Today, I like to imagine Ava playing on a beach somewhere with no need for shoes, the sand tickling her precious little toes and feet.

Missing You

2014-05-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

Cannon Beach, OR.

I wrote your name into the sand, but the waves washed it away.

I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay.

Precious Moments

2014-05-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

One of the things that has helped my grieving heart has been perusing Pinterest for miscarriage blogs and quotes. Knowing I'm not the only Mommy grieving the death of my child has helped me not feel so alone in this horrific journey. I started a Pinterest Board called: Empty Arms -Miscarriage and one night during a search, I stumbled across this Precious Moments figurine picture that someone had pinned.

Mommy's Love Goes With You

I was immediately drawn to this Precious Moments figurine as it depicted so much meaning and emotion. I showed it to my husband and mentioned that I would love it for Mother's Day. David tried buying it, but it was completely sold out. I was really disappointed.

However, on Mother's Day David surprised me with a box. When I unwrapped it, I discovered this Precious Moments figurine with Ava Grace inscribed on the cloud:

"Forever Embraced In God's Warm Love"

Oh, how the tears flowed! It was beautiful and I was so touched that he had it personalized. It was one of the best Mother's Day gifts a grieving Mother could hope for. I will cherish it forever.

Memorial Tattoos

2014-05-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

When our son Gideon was born four years ago, David and I chose to have his name tattooed on our right arms. This past weekend was Mother's Day. It was bittersweet as I celebrated being a Mother to a son on earth and a daughter who is in heaven. To honor and remember our precious angel Ava, David and I went to 9 Lives Tattoo in Seaside, OR. and had her name tattooed on our left arms as a memorial.

inside of my left wrist

David's left arm

I couldn't keep from tearing up when Josh finished my piece. For me, the wrist is a particularly perfect spot as the artery there connects to the heart, and that's where our children will always dwell. There is something so beautiful about seeing my daughter's name in ink - an expression and tribute to her short life here on earth.

Family of Four

2014-05-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, someone very aware of our recent miscarriage asked my husband if and when we were going to try for our second child. He replied, “We’re thinking and praying about trying for our third child soon.” They responded confused and asked, “Third?” David said, “Yes, our third,” at which point they realized what he meant and nodded in acknowledgement.

Some people assume that because our daughter is dead, that she can't be counted as part of our family. That is the furthest thing from the truth. As Lori Ennis writes, "It’s not inappropriate to count them as family members. Their hearts stopped beating. When mine stops, I’ll still be remembered as Lori…wife…mother. Hearts no longer beating do not negate family memberships."

It adds to our grief when people close to us forget the reality that we have a second child. We understand that it was not their dreams that were shattered in an instant, however Ava is still a part of us and will always be a part of our family.

Ava Grace is in our hearts and will forever be in our memories.

I am a Mother of two. We are a family of four.

Big Brother Grief

2014-04-29T08:15:00.002-07:00

When I found out that I was pregnant with our second child, the first person I told was our 3.5 year old son. He was so excited to find out that he was going to be a Big Brother. We talked and dreamed out loud about the fun things we were going to do as a family of four. From the very moment that he learned he was going to be a Big Brother, Gideon kissed my tummy, hugged it, sang, and talked to his baby sister growing inside my belly

every,

single,

day,

until Tuesday, January 14th, 2014.

There is no instruction manual on how to convey and express life and death to a child and I'm not sure there is a 'perfect' way to talk to a child about losing a sibling. How we expressed Ava's death to Gideon was unique to us and to our beliefs. David and I were advised to be truthful with Gideon about Ava's death, but express it in a way he would understand. We avoided using the words she's 'gone to sleep' or ' she was sick.' as using those words could become confusing in his mind. Sickness is usually a temporary condition that is treatable and majority of the time reversible. Additionally, all of us have been sick at one point or another and if we said Ava was sick and then died, then the possibility of one of us dying when we were sick could become real and very scary in his mind. Also, if we told him that she went to sleep and didn't wake up we were concerned he would be legitimately frightened that the same thing could happen to him or us. So we sat down with our son and told him that his little sister had died and was in heaven with Jesus now.

We didn't know what to expect when we expressed the devastating news to Gideon. In some ways, I hoped that he would take it with a grain of salt. How he responded surprised us both. His reaction was instantaneous. His face held shock and anger and pain and disappointment and sadness, all within seconds of each other. He got up and half-stomped/half-ran into his bedroom, slammed his door, and cried. It was absolutely gut wrenching.

Shattered hopes and dreams.

Over the first couple weeks Gideon's only comments about Ava were, "I'm not sad, I'm mad." and "I'm mad at Jesus for taking Ava away!" We reassured him that it was OK to be mad and even sad. Those feelings and emotions are a normal part of the grieving process. While it doesn't take the pain away from missing her, David and I continue to reiterate to Gideon that Ava is in Heaven with Jesus and He is taking good care of her. We read him the book, Born to Fly: An Infants Journey to God by Cindy Claussen as a comfort.

Right after Ava died, a sweet friend gave me a beautiful baby blanket. She explained to me that it was for when my arms are aching to hold my sweet daughter - I have something tangible to hug and cry into. Gideon has been very vocal about missing Ava and has been asking to sleep with her blanket during nap time and bedtime. I recently found him curled up in bed, fast asleep with it.

Last month we were decorating a friends birthday box and he told me he wanted his friend to know that the birthday gifts were from Ava too."I am drawing a big smile for Ava, Mommy!"

Gideon still talks about Ava, but in different ways. Instead of kissing and talking to my belly, he now picks her flowers so she can see them from heaven and draws pictures of her.

"This is my family"

"Ava is eating worms with a friend"

"If Ava was with me, I would share my toys with her"

"Ava is playing with an airplane in heaven"

We talk about Ava openly and lovingly. Gideon often says, "I miss Ava, but I'm glad that Jesus is taking care of her!" She may not be with us physically, but she is in our hearts. She is our daughter and Gideon's little sister.

To those who might say that we shouldn't have told Gideon that his sister died... I think Jessica Watson's reply says it best: "Denying my children’s right to know about a part of their life, a part of their family, might spare me a few tearful conversations right now but it will not erase the reality of what happened to all of us."

Daddies grieve too.

2014-04-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Husbands grieve in ways we don't give them credit for. A lot of times it makes me sad how they're almost ignored during times like these. They weren't pregnant, that's true. But they were attached to and loving that baby the day they found out their wife was expecting. The baby is half of us and half of our husbands. Its good to remember they deal with all these things too, it just often looks different on them." -Stefanie Arnold

An Act of Kindness

2014-04-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

I pinned this quote a couple weeks ago to my Pondering Thoughts board on Pinterest. Little did I know how soon this quote would become personal.

Last week, an act of kindness by a librarian at our local library left me stunned. I had gone to the library to pay for a children's CD that had disappeared after Ava died. The librarian offered to put the CD on hold for 6 weeks so that I could try and find it before the replacement fee was due. I mentioned that I had lost my daughter and the CD probably got lost in transit when my son was being shuttled to peoples homes during that time. I told her I'd rather just pay the replacement fee then try to keep looking for it.

"You lost your daughter?" she asked. "I miscarried her" I replied. Her eyes immediately filled with tears. She reached across the desk, grabbed my hand, held it for a few moments and then squeezed it. "I am so so sorry." she said. "Don't you worry about replacing the CD. I'm going to cover the costs for you. You go home and take care of yourself and your family. You don't need to be thinking about a CD right now."

I stood there speechless hand in hand with a librarian, tears cascading down our cheeks.

Mother Theresa once said, "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

I'm learning how true that quote is through my pain and grief.

Born to fly

2014-04-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

Last night after Gideon was in bed, he started calling my name. I went to his room to check on him and he requested a big hug and kiss. Afterwards, he looked at me and said, " Mommy, I miss baby Ava. Would you please tell me a story about baby Ava so I'm not sad and cry about her?"

His question took my breath away.....A story about Ava? I was speechless...

In that moment I prayed that God would give me the words to say. Immediately, He reminded me of a powerful yet simple message book called Born to fly that a friend of a friend had sent me in the mail after Ava died. It is a story of an infant's journey to God.

Born To Fly - An Infant's Journey to God

Grabbing the small book from Ava's memorial box, I inserted Ava's name into the text as I read. He smiled from ear to ear as I talked about his sister's journey to God.

I am so grateful to the author Cindy Claussen for using her heartache to be someone else's hope. Her book is an emotional balm for those who grieve: mommies, daddies, and even (little) big brothers.

Grief Attacks

2014-04-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I avoided the baby girl section of department stores like a plague after Ava died - knowing I would never see her wear all those cute frilly pink and purple outfits. It was just too painful. I avoided the baby girl aisle that is, until last week. I was having a 'good day' and thought I would attempt to try. My friends daughter's one year birthday party was that weekend and I was determined to get her an outfit. I brought my 3.5 year old son with me to the store and I began to scour the baby girl section. I picked out a cute pajama set and thought proudly to myself - I didn't cry!

At that moment, I looked down at my son Gideon and he had vanished. I called out to him. No answer. Sheer panic rippled through my body. Where was my son? "Gideon!" I called out louder. No answer. "GIDEON!" my voice cracked and trembled. And then I heard his sweet, innocent voice. " I'm right here Mommy!" I scoured the clothing area and then I saw him. He was holding onto a red cart of another woman and was trying to reach into her cart and stroke the cheek of her baby girl. "Mommy, look!" he said excitedly. "She is just like baby Ava!".

Silly girl. I should have known better.

Remembrance Jewelry

2014-03-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

God has been using His people to minister and pour out His love to us during this difficult time. One of the many sweet and thoughtful gestures has been the gifts of remembrance jewelry. Remembrance jewelry is a wonderful way to acknowledge the loss of a friend or family's child while creating a special keepsake that they will treasure forever. I have been blessed with such caring friends and each package I have received, I have cried tears of joy and happiness. Each morning I have the opportunity to switch between the necklaces. Additionally, I recently had a friend send me an Etsy gift card so I could chose something special on my own. I ordered a cuff bracelet this past weekend with footprints and the words hand stamped: Forever in my heart. I am so excited to receive it. I wear one of these necklaces every day.

memorial necklace

memorial bracelet

I Want You Here

2014-03-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

Before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Ava, I heard a song on the radio by a singer called Plumb. I liked her so much I went online to find more of her songs. I discovered her music on YouTube and came across one of her songs called, "I Want You Here." After about a minute, I stopped listening to it because it was about the loss of a child and incredibly sad.

"I can't even imagine having a miscarriage," I thought to myself.

Fast forward 9 months.

I lay on my bed, curled up in a ball weeping. My body recovering from a D&E and my brain mentally trying to process the phone call we just received. We had been notified that our dead baby was ready to be transported to a funeral home for cremation. "No parent should ever outlive their child!" I said sorrowfully to my husband.

Moments later my phone vibrated. "How are you feeling?" a friend texted. I didn't know how to respond to her. I couldn't describe the pain and loss that overwhelmed me. At that moment I remembered the song, "I Want You Here" by Plumb. I typed the song into YouTube and watched the whole thing.

Here is the version of the video I watched:"I Want You Here" by Plumb

Oh, how that song now speaks the words my tears cry!

I responded to my friend's message by texting, "This is how I am feeling" and gave her the link to the song.

How time changes things.... January of last year my husband and I were discussing when to to start trying for another child. The following January we were making funeral arrangements for our 18 week old daughter.