The News Scares Me

Don't Poo on My School

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 21:07:40 -0500

Thankfully Kenneth Martin Sarsony will no longer be pooping on the steps of a Florida school. He not only pooped, but once left a thong after doing his doody. Is it that hard to find a proper bathroom in Florida?

Here’s the link.

Miming Traffic

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 10:07:49 -0500

In Caracas, Venezuela, a local mayor has turned to mimes to help direct traffic and ensure everyone follows the traffic laws. At least they’ve updated their color scheme from black to fluorescent yellow and orange.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Fox News Latino]

Steal to Feed Your Porn Addiction

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 09:54:28 -0500

Amanda Rose Owens, 18, has admitted to breaking into a home repeatedly looking for items to pawn. With that money, she intended to pay off her porn debt. Amanda cares about her credit score.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: True Manhood]

Dwarves Should Be Tossed?

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 18:13:32 -0500

Florida legislator Ritch Workman (yes, that’s how his name is spelled) feels that dwarves earning potential is being compromised by a no dwarf tossing ban. Thus, he’s entered legislation that helps dwarves have a more productive life getting thrown around bars and perhaps parks. Jobs are good, but dwarf tossing is bad. The question is why does Ritch Workman want to toss little people.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Sodahead]

Say Yes to Jesus Ween

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 17:57:37 -0500

For all of you fearing the unholiness of Halloween, when the devil’s children gather and ask for candy, you have something new to celebrate. It is Jesus Ween. While this sound a bit dirty, it’s really about the winning power of Jesus. I’m not sure that can deter me from the winning power of candy and costumes, though.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Joe My God]

Replace Your Thumb with Your Toe

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 13:14:08 -0500

A poor worker in China lost his thumb, so naturally his doctor decided to replace it with one of the worker’s toes. I would hate to have to explain my weird thumb-toe to people or for people to see it. It would probably be easier to not have a thumb.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Flickr]

Lawyers are Dirty

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:52:33 -0500

For some, this might not be a surprise, but a new study, by a highly unscientific company, shows that lawyers have the dirtiest desks. Yes, lawyers are dirty and really need to clean up their act.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: MacRumors]

When You Drive, Don't Multitask

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:19:52 -0500

Police caught a Hampshire, England driver using his laptop, drinking coffee, writing down quiz answers, and then finally driving. Please may I never encounter that man on the road, which is highly unlikely since he lives in Hampshire. Thank you ocean.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Multitasking Media]

Cringe-Inducing Sex Offender Stay Away

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 18:47:01 -0500

Yep, Michael Campbell is a sex offender circa 1995. While he’s been clean sex offender-wise, he’s committed other crimes like going near a playground. I say that the tats don’t make him too cute and cuddly. The Frankenstein tattoo really put him over the edge.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Gawker]

TOTO Makes a Poo-Powered Bike

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 17:08:23 -0500

TOTO’s Toilet Bike Neo let’s you take a poo on the go. It converts your refuse into biodiesel. I don’t really like to hang out on the pot and would find it strange to ride around on one.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Spoon-Tamago]

Hairy Crazy Ants Overtaking the South

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:57:03 -0500

They are hairy. They are crazy. They are ants. Yep, I think that just about covers it.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: MSN]

Owners of Show Dogs Cheat to Win

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 08:07:48 -0500

The dog show community has been rocked by scandal. Some dogs are using performance-enhancing substances, such as hairspray and chalk, to win. In an effort to combat the cheating, the Kennel Club instituted random hair testing. Yet the dog owners have revolted and won’t let their dogs be subjected to it. When an institution as important as dog showing has been corrupted, I must wonder what’s next.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: The Star]

Disabled Schoolkids Bugging You? Torture Them!

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 10:46:53 -0500

Because Texas always likes to make me proud, there’s a story out of Katy, right outside of Houston, that has me beaming with pride. A teacher and her aides decided that some annoying disabled 5th graders should just shut up or even if they couldn’t speak, stop bothering her. She decided that vinegar-soaked cotton balls were the best method. Occasionally, she’d force the children to run on a tread mill, too. Sadly, she and her aides have been fired from Exley Elementary.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Picasaur.us]

Don't Call Acquaintances Demanding Threesomes

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 20:00:06 -0500

Anna Bambino might look like a delicate flower, but she likes to harass people…for threesomes. While she claims that liquor drove her to calling an acquaintance repeatedly begging for a menage a trois, I think it might be because she has so much love to give. Look at that face!

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: CBS News]

Lost a Job, Here's Your Card, Loser

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 14:22:38 -0500

Because Hallmark wants to be a part of all of our special moments, they have decided to create condolence cards for the unemployed. When are they going to add the Maxine line? When your life is going to crap, you always want the advice of a cranky old lady.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: ABC News]

Rick Perry Chia Head For Sale

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:52:18 -0500

On Ebay, Cow Wow Liquid Compost is selling a gigantic chia head that they created for the previous Texas gubernatorial election. It proves that Perry’s head is full of…compost.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Say It Ain’t So Already]

First Idea to Kill Someone: Wear a Bear Pelt

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 11:57:30 -0500

If I was going to kill my husband, I think the best first idea is to kill a bear (super easy first step), wear the pelt, and then claw him to death when he takes out the trash. It’s so genius because there wouldn’t be any fingerprints.

Clyde Gardner nixed that first idea, and decided on a far lamer one, which landed him in jail. If you’re going to kill your ex-girlfriend, I say go big.

Now, since I live in Houston, where do I find a bear to kill?

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Free Frag Network]

Politician's Wife Steals a Wittle Kitty

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 08:06:54 -0500

To get back at her cheating husband, MP John Hemming, one of those British political blokes, Christine Hemming took her husband’s lover’s kitty. What harm did the kitty cause? I can understand being angry and vengeful, but the cat is an innocent bystander.

Here’s the story.

[Photo Credit: Simpli Cindi]

Go in for Two New Boobs, Come out with a Uni

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 07:28:33 -0500

For those that have followed my previous blog, they should know that I’m pretty against plastic surgery. We don’t have to explore that right now, but here’s the situation in this case. Dinora Rodriguez wants a new pair to replace her leaky old implants, but doesn’t go to a good doctor. Why would she entrust an important surgery with a professional? Thus, the new doc gives her symmastia. Basically, he placed the implants under the skin and muscle in such a way that they force her breasts to meet in the middle. It’s not normal at all, but then neither is plastic surgery.

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Richard V. Dowden]

Dentist Gives Tokyo Women Bad Teeth

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 16:56:37 -0500

The crazy thing is that the women wanted it. If anyone has gone to Japan or lived there (I have, I have, I have), then you’ll know that canines that jut out of the mouth are super cute on the ladies. Just look above. You don’t want to fix her teeth with braces…you just want to scream kawaii (cute), or maybe kowaii (scary). Thank you Dr. Yoko Kashiyama

Here’s the link.

[Photo Credit: Gaijin Tonic]