turnyourselfin

Cinema du Porn

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:35:00 +0000

Perhaps it's my cinema studies background that makes me appreciate pornographic films that actually pay attention to lighting, cinematography, camera movement, etc. I think there is a thesis in here somewhere on the relationship between cinema du look and porn, but I'll save that for another day.

There are two styles of porn I love: gonzo style and visual style (not of the avant garde type). One is very low-culture, anti-feminist. One is just so amazingly beautiful in accentuating the beauty of the stars that it begs you to pay attention to its details rather than skipping to the cumshot.

Stoya has been on my radar and I decided to check out her Digital Playground feature instead of the usual youjizz.com, 2-minute quickie. ">Stoya: Perfect Picture takes its time with each scene, but not in the seductive nature of most "for women, by women" pornos. There's cock gagging, ball sucking, and it's all done with desire which you can hardly see in gonzo films. For anyone who wants to learn how to love to suck cock, I recommend watching this. By the time it gets to the fucking, you're relieved that she can finally have a cock inside her.

I'd go into an actual review of the porno, but I have to make myself come a few times to get my mind straight.

Koala 101

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:10:00 +0000

I'm starting to realize that a real "how well do you know your mate?" quiz would out me as the worst girlfriend ever. "How hard can you make your mate come?" Flying colors. I don't know his favorite cereal or color, but when it comes to his more important traits, I'm an expert.

1) Blowjobs - My man loves blowjobs. But there are different variations of the blowjob that can range from an aggressive quickie to a deep throat acappella. But there's something about this alternative maneuver that combines the two in a gag-proof environment. The trick is to suck him off with the back of your tongue/throat, without shoving him down your throat. The place where you hold the mouthwash when you gargle. It's relatively easy with great results. Combined with some spit on the bottom of his cock, just milk it. He has exploded on my face in numerous occasions.

2) Legs on shoulder, grind up - I'll have to admit, I sometimes fall fragile mid-fuck 'cause the fucking gets too intense. But after a few thrusts and a swift segue into this position, it's all good. He places a firm grip on my neck and starts railing. I grab onto him and start grinding up until he explodes deep inside me. We both get so into it that we end up collapsing and passing out away from one another. But then it's only a mater of minutes before I grab my vibrator and start all over again.

3) Riding the full length of his cock - This is a workout that involves a lot of ass, thigh, and ab work if you do it right. I like to hover over him as I lightly graze over his cock and then the magnetic heat locks us into bliss. I love feeling every inch throb inside me while watching him and I'll slide until just barely the tip is inside me before I thrust it all in again (that's the abdomen doing the work).

It's not too much work keeping the Koala happy. A lot of blowjobs, handjobs, fucking, and some light cooking.

things i miss and don't miss about being single

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:17:00 +0000

I have a handful of dudes I used to know who I have either banged or hung out with so I could bang their friends. When I was single, a late-night hang out was feasible and I'd show up to parties alone just to rake in the overflow of cock that was the sausage fests known of college parties. Today, I remain completely uninterested in any of my male acquaintances because they are so bitter about my current relationship. When it comes down to the cold hard truth, men have more of a hard time with the idea of an open relationship than women. Women are happy for me because I never complain yet,my male friends get threatened and territorial. And of course, they're not wise enough to embark on an MMF adventure, because that would threaten their very manhood.

Other than that, it's hard to feel like I'm missing out on anything great about single life. And it's always nice to be able to come home when there's still parking available and not having to burn fuel up and down the 405, dialing dudes to schedule blowjobs that'll carry me through to sunrise when hopefully, there will be an open spot in the lot. Sound familiar? North Hollywood to Santa Monica to West Hollywood to Long Beach to Huntington Beach back home in bed by 7am. Now I lease a 6-cylinder that just cannot burn rubber and swallow mileage quite like my old Civic.

Even though I don't write much about sex, I still fuck constantly. The difference, I like fucking more than the writing part. There's nothing cathartic about writing about fucking when I can't even pull up my browser before he's hard again. Yeah....

sexy tweets

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 06:00:00 +0000

20:00 I'm always nervous that my nipple piercings will make the metal detectors go off. I'd just flash them and proceed. #
20:36 Wow. you stink of cologne and you have bitch tits. Vegas will not get you laid. Sorry, bro. #

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sexy tweets

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:01:00 +0000

07:16 Tim Roth saying "take your clothes off, you dirty filthy whore" is kind of hot. #
17:16 Facebook shut down my fan page. Apparently tits are offensive. #

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sleepless nights...

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 14:03:00 +0000

Swinger's Sex Party

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 06:33:00 +0000

I'm not sure if it's just been one of those days or if Showtime and Cinemax have actually improved their line of late-night sleaze. This title, Swinger's Sex Party, of course caught my eye and the scenes with the poolside conversation was about to drift me to sleep when they cut to a MFF scene with a fairly hot looking Asian girl.

Although not as hardcore as I like my porn, it very much illustrates part of the swinging experience: the mild introductions followed by a toned down version of what we choose to expose of ourselves. I started noticing all the cliches and having flashbacks to our experiences...

There's way more oral involved - I guess it's always polite to do the prep work before introducing the friction. I don't particularly mind 'cause I can suck cock endlessly but it does help if I can ride one while sucking one (or two).

Less frequent orgasms - We do take our time 'cause it's not a coming competition. In any group scenario, I like to be taken to the brink each time and save the big finale for one-on-one.

Tit sucking - I'm not too fond of it because my left nipple is particularly sensitive and piercings attract biting from the wrong kind of people (like the guy who tore the studs out of my nipples and I had to stay up until 5am looking for my jewelry). When there are two guys on me and one is on each tit, I almost start expecting them to make out which would end it for me.

Girl/Girl is tedious - I don't know how the lesbians do it. I get bored after a while since I don't know when to stop. I only fuck girls so 1) my boyfriend can fuck them or 2) I can fuck their boyfriend. I'm not bisexual, just a slut. Where's my parade?

maybe i'm just too desensitized

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 04:40:00 +0000

Female? Yes.
Feminist? Intrinsically, without a question.
Intelligent? Possibly.
Sexually liberal? To a certain extent.
Fan of Lisa Loeb? Hell Yeah!

I am obviously the target demographic for Tristan Taormina's videos. So why is it that my nighttime jill-off viewing of Rough Sex resulted in fast forwarding until I just pulled up my own personal videos instead?

After perusing her site, I admire the work she has done, even her Lisa Loebiness. But she has this thing about face-to-face anal sex which I noticed throughout the scenes in Rough Sex. It became very unreal because of that. Sex, sweaty as it is amazing, is something where I don't want to look at you or for you to look at me. It's gritty. We are using each other for pleasure and competing to climax. Spoiler alert: I always come more. I want it rough so I can feel it, not to align myself with a fictional fantasy where my cloudy subconscious can take over at any moment, especially with my short attention span. There is no thinking, no seduction, no agenda. Sex is the spontaneous eruption of our bodies and it feeds my carnal urges.

I'm so disappointed with pink balls that I need my man to get his ass here and take over. Or any scene from Weapons of Ass Destruction will do.

Someone should design disposable anal beads

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 03:52:00 +0000

I have a pair of Jelly Anal Beads which have been sitting in the shelf for a while. It's not that I don't like them, but I only like two of them. The last two. The rest just feels like a extra sharp dick with speed bumps.

I know that most people recommend this type or even glass for anal toys since they are easier to clean. Which is why I don't understand why someone hasn't invented some sort of disposable anal bead set. You'd think it'd be kind of like making those necklaces when you were a little kid. They should come in a kit with different colors, maybe some glittery beads, etc. Crafty!

I really like the design of these Double Pleasure Beads (pictured) since they're all the same size. I have a feeling that they're going to make all the difference in my anal appetite. A full review will be posted soon.

milestone

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 05:55:00 +0000

We spent our one-year anniversary the same way we spent our first night together. Locked up in a hotel room and not leaving until we were both sore and craving caffeine.

After checking in, we immediately set up the tripod for his new camera. A few test shots later, I was getting antsy and eager to fuck. Honestly, there is no art of seduction or the slightest bit of romance when it comes to the two of us. We just hop into bed and go at it, not stopping until we both pass out, cool off, and then maybe our bodies will Velcro themselves back together for a traditional spooning.

A few drinks + pizza + more drinks = enough fuel to keep us fucking. I fell victim to the extremely comfortable bed and sheets that conformed to my body that I had to be slapped in the face with his hard cock to regain consciousness to fuck some more.

It was an amazing night but I'm thinking next time, we'll have to get a photographer to take photos throughout the night.

2-in-1

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Why is it that it is far more difficult to turn a girlfriend into a slut than a slut into a girlfriend?

I like to check up on my boy toys whose libidos have shriveled up and died since they got into serious relationships. While I will never understand why a guy with a gorgeous cock cannot find someone to suck it off, this guy is also very disillusioned when it comes to sex. Not only that but he has an exuberant amount of mass-produced prints (Ikea & Target purchases) in his apartment and believes that they are magnificent. Which explains a lot so maybe his concern should not be so much about getting sufficient blowjobs but that there is someone who tolerates his lameness. I just heard via a Facebook status update that he is moving in with his girlfriend. I feel sorry for his penis.

I guess sex is not everything for some people but for me, it's essential. Fucking on the first date is not taboo, but mandatory. How else will I decide if this is going to be worthwhile? As wonderful as my koala is, I would have never stuck around to find out if it wasn't for the amazing sex.

Even though we've been on a dry spell when it comes to fucking other people and we've spent more time with vanilla friends than at swinger parties, we still get down and dirty 3-4 times a day. The thing is, I only see that frequency increase due to mood and rarely decrease. So for people who lack that type of satisfaction when it comes to sex, you have my pity.

Apparently, I'm a sexual sociopath..

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:21:00 +0000

This isn't a public forum so take your discussion elsewhere.

A few points:
1) I generalized the details which everyone seemed to have no problem filling in themselves despite their complete LACK of knowledge on the case. This could have taken place in another country, yet all comments were based on these TLDR personal experiences which I had no interest in reading about. If you want full details on the suit filed, email me and I can send you the information. In fact, here it is. Read, and not just in between the lines.

2) Locational and generational differences. I'm not sure how far removed most of you who are still using ugly fonts and headers on your blogs from my generation, but a lot has changed. And again, this could have taken place in another country. It's not all Pedro Almodovar's La Mala Educación.

3) I tend to be a sexual sociopath. And I have that expectation from others. If sex doesn't mean anything to me then it shouldn't mean anything to anyone else. See ex-boyfriends about that.

4) I was involved in a very unsustainable relationship with someone older when I was a minor. It was under falsely accrued circumstances on my part and I became a compulsive liar because of it. I spoke the language of threesomes, gangbangs, and cum facials which along with his fantasies, made me even more assured of the kind of lifestyle I would one day lead. When others were still experimenting, my sexuality was ripening. That is what I think of most when I think about this case since it does hit so close to home. I remember how she acted, I remember how I acted. I relate to her and I only sympathize that she has to do all of this publicly rather than privately, especially now.

If you have comments, email them to me and I will file them under "chodefaces."

A&E Wishlist

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 07:09:00 +0000

We need to refresh our inventory. More restraints, more battery-operated equipment, more sexy stuff...

1) Slimline G Deluxe - I'm a simple girl when it comes to vibrators. I don't need high-tech plug-ins, but I like the extras that come with this.

2) Inflatable Position Master - This would work great for our favorite position. He can drive his cock in deep without crushing my tailbone.

3) Under the Bed Restraints - Definitely has a ton of photo potential.

4) Pink Blindfold Cuffs and Feather Teaser Set - Again, for photography purposes.

5) Blow Guard Vibrator - We saw a demonstration video of this. I want to try it just for kicks. This would be him using it on me...

year one.

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 06:49:00 +0000

Nobody is as surprised as I am that I have survived the 11 month curse of all my relationships. I thought my potential in completing a marathon run would supercede this. The one year mark has a pretty serious connotation that seriously made me turn away. So this is all new to me and even more difficult to admit that one person has profoundly changed and bettered my life in ways I could never imagine.

Although I tend to keep this blog up to date with anything remotely interesting in our sex lives, love is kept private. I truly do cherish all the moments we have just together one-on-one bonding not just physically but intellectually and emotionally. Even though the cynic in me thinks that there are better ways to celebrate us as a couple and potentially moving it to a further and more sustainable date would be more legit and be out of the summer hotzone for us to save money to have an actual vacation... but at the same time, I want that day to come as soon as possible so I can finally feel like this is ours and we won't just casually dismissed into the courting bracket.

We've come a long way from pure lust, group sex, falling in love over and over again each time I find something new to love about him... so I'm just hoping he doesn't break up with me in the next 29 or so days because I booked a suite that's non-refundable and I wouldn't want to throw my own gangbang.

question of the week

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:41:00 +0000

We saw these Sportsheets Behind the Door Cuffs in a box downstairs. My roommates sell these online and there are usually boxes upon boxes of toys and accessories in the living room.

Would it be completely wrong to "borrow" these? They're just cuffs. We want to test them out before we actually buy them. However, there's also that issue of banging up against the door. This bedroom of mine is not necessarily sound proof.

just a peek

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 05:43:00 +0000

Yeah, he's a lucky guy. This was before he ravaged me and came all over me. My tits are not usually that blurry, but still a great pic.

girl on top

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:57:00 +0000

I'm not a huge fan of being on top. I can never balance right, my head's going to hit something, I don't want to claw down on him, and it takes a lot of effort to do it right. However, at the break of dawn, if there's a semi-hard cock nearby, I just have to get mine. When I crawl on top of him, I'm always curious when he is going to fully awake and grab me to pin me down on his cock. Or flip me around and start ramming. I'm not picky.

Ever since I got my nipples pierced, it's been a nice little tease. He'll reach up at the rings which clink against his teeth, eager to bite and nibble. It was precisely for this reason that I got them done in the first place. Then he'll actually bite and tug on them while I arch my back and the push/pull effect just drives it all closer and closer to an orgasm. He'll reposition but driving his hips upwards, deeper into me and transfer my body so that I don't fall off the edge, while taking me over my edge. It drives me wild when he combines all of this nipple play and deep grinding that I cannot help but collapse.

So for a position that I have never been quite too fond of, he has these little tricks that drive me wild.

bj contest

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 04:08:00 +0000

Sadly I'm stuck at home watching the newlywed contest on ABC and they're having an "identify your husband by grabbing each guy's ass" contest. I probably would not be able to win such a competition without doing a reach around, stroke, spit, reposition, and gag.

I've sucked enough dicks to know which one belongs to the man I love based on the actual phallus, his reactions, his sweet taste, his scent... I can be drugged and blindfolded but I can tell. Especially when guys tend to blow too quickly and my man knows how to enjoy a good blowjob.

I guess the ultimate test is... set up a competition.

PS. The couple who stayed virgins until they got married lost. haha. And I love how they tried to cast "diverse" couples but none of them were interracial and of course, no gay couples. Is it 2009 or 1953? I thought this was going to be a show about swingers. There's like 5-6 couples who all claim to have bangin' sex lives... all staying at a mansion... that's really all it takes.

limit to our love

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Fri, 22 May 2009 06:13:00 +0000

It's become apparent that the more we fuck, the more I need to fuck. So our extended weekends Friday through Monday tend to leave me with the midweek horny blues. Fortunately, I tend to get serious work done and getting off alone is usually a 2-3 minute task. This weekend, we went a little overboard.

I am happy to say that I broke his dick. The same happened to me a few months ago when fucking felt like he was trying to light a match with my cunt. Our orgasms vary and he is definitely the only guy I have ever enjoyed getting off in front of. And it actually becomes a completely different type of orgasm though I am getting off manually. In his presence it becomes heavier and at that instant, I grab him and that skin-on-skin contact takes me completely off the edge.

Coming hard means fucking hard and we're very good at that. Squirting is a regular nuisance and we fucked this weekend until he was raw. I'm not sure if it was just dried Zoey marinade, but the velvet skin on his dick became flakier and I just wanted to suck on an ice cube to soothe it.

It's been a couple of days so hopefully it's all good because I have a completely insatiable sexual appetite.

splish-splash: too hot for the hot tub.

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Sun, 17 May 2009 00:08:00 +0000

Last night at around 11pm, the weather was simply perfect. I have been itching to take the Mr. out to the pool where we can fool around. The last time I invited a girl over, the hot tub was the place to go and things got very "Wild Things". This time, it was more difficult to get the hot tub all to ourselves but I was determined to outlast the other couple who were probably waiting for us to leave.

We poured some wine and I was already trying to feel up his crotch only to be confused with the patch of Velcro. I'd pop out of the pool and the wetness on my skin would glisten from the subtle nighttime lighting. I couldn't help but admire my cleavage and how amazing my tits looked, my nipples almost popping out to reveal too much.

When the other couple finally left, I immediately started straddling my man. I was already boiling up and since I'm very much the instant gratification type, I started going for what I wanted. He sat up which granted me full access to his hard cock. Though it tasted like chlorine, after a few saliva-infused strokes, I was gagging and choking on his cock.

I felt his grip on my wet hair as he'd shove me down on his cock. I don't know where the moon was or where the fucking stars were... it was just me and him and I wanted to get fucked.

I traded positions with him and gracefully bent myself over, my pussy exposed and glistening wet. I felt the tip of his cock graze over my cunt and I just begged to get pounded. Splish-splash, he was pumping his hard cock deep and hard. I was gripping the edge of the jacuzzi, fucking back and moaning out loud until I came all over his cock. That was just the beginning.

I got up to dry off so we could head back to my place and fuck more comfortably. But no, he wouldn't let me. Instead, he creeped his fingers down to my cunt, rubbing it fiercely and shoved his fingers in deep. I raised on leg and started riding his fingers standing until I gushed all over them. Granted, the floor was already wet from us getting out of the pool, but some of that was all me. And that's not the end of it yet.

We definitely needed more fucking so we headed over to another corner where there were tables and chairs. I bent over and before I could turn my head around, he was already shoving his cock in deep. I gasped out loud and he started gripping my neck, grabbing it and ramming me harder and harder. I felt myself gush all over his cock and my legs were so shaky that I couldn't keep standing. I looked at the floor and smiled at the work he did. Now it was his turn.

I quickly swallowed his cock whole in my mouth. Gagging and choking as I looked up at him calling me a dirty little slut. He grabbed his cock from me and started jerking off over my face while I licked his balls. I knew he was ready to come and so I started begging for it. I felt the first spray hit my lips and I quickly licked it off only to feel another shot hit my cheek. Then the roof of my mouth, my neck, across my face. Then a last savory drop on my lips as I licked it clean. Mmm.

Now that's a great Friday night.

unicorn-hunting

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Thu, 14 May 2009 01:52:00 +0000

We found ourselves trapped in a vanilla situation when we found our first wild unicorn. A unicorn is a single female who wants to fuck us. I don't know how it happens, but it's surely magical. So when we go out on a date, we usually scope out the lonesome single girl who is stuck with a group of co-workers and wants to GTFO. With real life commitments, real desire to spend alone time, swinger socializing, it's hard to be at the right place at the right time to find a wild unicorn.

We have two hopeful potentials...

1) The Japanese Girl - She works at a sushi restaurant in Newport Beach and we're trying to remember which one it is. This is a pricey endeavor as I cannot go into a sushi restaurant without getting a belly full of fish, some Kirin, and a side of Cold Soba Noodles.

2) The Korean Girl - I was out with the boys, sans my main man, and I was trying to lose them and take her home. At one point, she grabbed my tits and noticed I had piercings which she then showed everyone in the vicinity. She bought me a shot and I still "owe" her one, along with a groping.

It's a tough game especially since I do not have the patience to make friends with these girls and essentially bait and switch them into having sex with me and my boyfriend. I'm not sure what the etiquette is. At least from our swinging experience, we're straight forward and people get naked pretty fast. But I would think that a single girl would much rather go home with a couple than with a single dude if she wanted to get laid.

life's pleasures

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Sun, 10 May 2009 02:38:00 +0000

Drive to the beach: 10 minutes
Dinner at a sushi bar: $45
Round of drinks at the local bar: $15
Hitting up our favorite lounge in the area with a retractable roof (smoker's heaven) for some signature french fries, lychee martinis, and more alcohol: $80
Going home and fucking the shit out of each other: priceless.

I think I have bruises, love bruises. Sometimes, I just wish we can fast forward a little. Finish school by December, work hard to play hard, make money to spend money, travel the world, write, drink, fuck, live.

Part of my fantasies have come true, now let's make the rest happen.

birthday plans...

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:51:00 +0000

He makes it pretty clear how the night is going to go...

I'm gonna fuck your ass on Saturday baby...
I'm gonna eat your hot wet cunt, run my tongue down your ass.
Lick my fingers before sliding them into your pussy...
...finger fuck you hard till you squirt all over.
I'm gonna tease you first by bending you over and fucking that pussy hard while I work those beads in your ass.
Tie your hands behind your back...
...make you totally mine.
One hand pulling back on your throat while I'm shoving my cock deep into you and the other pulling those beads out slowly...

With messages like these, how can I get through the day without first jilling off?

touch

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 08:45:00 +0000

My experimental Excel Spreadsheet which was supposed to help me track my many sexual partners was doomed when I hit #32 with my main guy. Now he's the one to remind me of how many guys I have fucked since we met. Precisely since he has been in the room half of the time. I only remember the ones who fucked me good and there has been ZERO since I met him.

Maybe my expectations are up in the various constellations but I'm extremely sensitive to touch. I love feeling soft hands all over me which is why I love being touched by women. My lover's hands are soft when they caress and tease but rough when he wants to take control of my body and make me come.

And as I fuck these supposedly "experienced" men who engage in the swinger lifestyle, they suck at the most basic thing: touching. Do I just happen to bang a lot of guitarists, men who use their hands a lot? Have you ever heard of HAND CREAM? Lubriderm? If your hand is this rough and you jerk off, then is your cock all buffered and sharp on the edges?

And then comes insertion. Your hands on my skin obviously did not turn me on as I feel your hangnail on the most delicate part of my body. You're seriously going to shove your dry, calloused fingers inside me? And then just wiggle? Not even wiggle but this weak 1mm/second motion that forces me to seek refuge with someone else's cock in my mouth.

I guess I'm just spoiled. My man has the perfect hands and every time he touches me, I am overwhelmed wtih anticipation. I don't know if it's going to be soft or rough, gentle or hard, light or firm. My heart starts beating and I gasp out loud when I finally know and feel what he's doing.

I'm lying awake in bed, sleepless and restless. Something is missing and it is not just his Midas of Orgasmic Touch... but his touch is also the most soothing and comforting. Even when we are perfectly still, the sheer proximity and closeness...

relapse

turnyourselfin@gmail.com (zoey) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 06:36:00 +0000

It bothers me that such a large portion of this blog archives stories of everything, good and bad, of the near and distant past. Words have been recycled and reused, like all the men who have come in and out (pun intended). And it is so disheartening to do a word count on each individual and feel like it's worthless disposable crap because it was written 1) with questionable intentions, 2) from a narrow and narcissistic perspective, 3) about someone whose name I don't remember. Going back to remove posts where I portrayed myself as a heartless bitch seems even more deceiving. I can only learn from it and I was terribly depressed for the longest time because I didn't know how I was ever going to repent. Of course, the rainbow comes after the storm and I've been running on luck and karma since but as someone who has always faced rejection (Honors Writing Programs, universities, etc.) I become jello, never fully solidified.

Like the water particles scene in Amelie... when He looks at me, I feel like I am more than transparent and a glimpse would reveal the plain matter that I'm made of. I catch myself in tears when he holds me and I finally feel solid and whole. I hold my breath for as long as I can before exhaling, "don't ever let this end."

I got so used to this awful repetition of events. Thursdays were so unkind and even rereading accounts of the supposed greatest sexual encounters, the words were what extended those experiences beyond a skin-on-skin encounter. And I've since shed that skin. So maybe that's my penance, my retribution for all this betrayal or whatever.

And of course, there's always the internal struggle with defining my own personal limits. As glamorous as the party in San Diego was, I was reminded of a former self who craved being desired. I mean, who doesn't want to be desired. I should fuck people I want to fuck, not just people who want to fuck me. I often confuse the two which was the biggest demise of my single life. Now as a couple, not only do I have to keep from betraying myself but I have to keep from betraying us.

Which brings me to the eternal and inevitable question of the return of #5. It was epic, blah blah blah. Most people don't find out everything about their girlfriend's former lover quite the way this blog reveals. It's this dreadful reminder of what happened between us, how it ended, and how I defined him in that point of my life. Granted, he was a muse and an amusing one. When I did respond to him, I invited him over to my place. We were both cold but amicable as we shared a cigarette and I bragged about my new lover. So here in lies the sliding door effect...

(A) I was falling for my current lover. I rejected all sentiments towards #5 when I saw him in full flesh. Nothing happened and I expected a full closure.

(B) If I had rejected feelings for my current lover as I had growing (and later proven accurate) suspicions about him and another life and this unimpressive façade he was putting on... I would have allowed myself to be susceptible to this brilliant dance that is two former lovers finding each other again.

You may accuse me of creating a hypothetical timeline to make certain implications. The story is never going to end with #5 wins me back. The final impression should be and is that I win.. and my prize is Him. The present is all that matters because both paths would have led me to choosing to be happy with Him.

I rarely stay up all night, collecting my thoughts like this. But bear with me..