TV Raised Me

Jersey Shore: Tanning and Gelling

2009-12-10T23:16:00.003-05:00

(photo of oompa loompa courtesy of MTV)You know what's amazing about Jersey Shore? The fact that it's like Flavor of Love in that everyone has a nickname. However, the nicknames are self-inflicted and more nonsensical than anything Flavor Flav could have ever come up with.The show debuted with a two hour preview last Thursday and is on every SINGLE Thursday on MTV at 10PM EST.If you get bored

The Winner of Daisy of Love IS...

2009-07-26T21:39:00.007-04:00

I was the most shocked person when 12 Pack got eliminated in the first part of the show. I'm glad I didn't put any money on it because I would have lost the damn shirt off my back.So lets cut to the chase, the winner of Daisy of Love is....LONDON!!!!!.....HOLY JESUS! Daisy really IS as stupid as she looks. I mean, good Lord.He wins a gift of the herpes, lasting for life! Free Valtrex too.

Jesus Doesn't Love You

2009-07-24T22:47:00.003-04:00

Jesus doesn't love you and there is no God. Why? Because if God and Jesus loved you, then they wouldn't allow Real Chance of Love 2 to happen. Well, it's happened. Real and Chance, cast-offs from I Love New York 2 are back for a second season of wine-ing and dining skanks on VH1's tab.I don't get it. It's bad enough if you go on a "reality" show to win the love of someone famous or someone

RIP Gidget

2009-07-22T18:45:00.001-04:00

Gidget, the original Taco Bell dog, has gone to the drive through in the sky. She was 15 years old and suffered a stroke. May she rest in peace...

5 Legged Dog

2009-07-21T18:38:00.003-04:00

So I used to date this guy who I nicknamed "Tripod". You're not stupid so I'm sure you know what that means, that dude had a third leg. I swear! Anyway, I was actually reading the news today and came across the story of a 5 legged chihuahua. You can read the story here, I don't feel like typing a summary.Anyway, the dog was going to be sold to a freak show (kind of like Tripod), but it was

Daisy of Herpes

2009-07-21T18:24:00.003-04:00

(photo courtesy of VH1)So the season finale of Daisy of Love is this Sunday night. Thank effing God! This season has dragged on like a sorority girl talking about her hair. Daisy was able to narrow it down to 3 lucky? guys: London, 12 Pack and Flex. Here are some pros and cons about each guy:LondonPros: muscian, has hairCons: dbag, homeless, had a girlfriend at home (which he got eliminated

Link Me Up

2009-07-20T18:46:00.002-04:00

Would you pay to see the Real Horsewives of NJ? I'd pay them to go away. -DlistedI'd like my caramel macchiato with just a touch of queen, thanks! -Perez HiltonIt's sad when instead of your movie going straight to dvd, it goes straight to ABC Family. Lohan, I'm looking at you! -BuzzFeedWho wants to adopt a chunky monkey? -JustJaredPaula being kicked to the curb? At least she already has the

It's Gettin' Hot in Herre

2009-07-20T18:28:00.003-04:00

Gordon Ramsay is back! My life felt a little empty and I couldn't figure out why. After seeing the preview for tomorrow's night's premiere of Hell's Kitchen, it hit me. My life has been devoid of an angry British hamster-looking man screaming obscenities at me. This season looks promising, I think weaves are going to catch on fire (those damn things are so flammable unless you get real hair,

Suck it to Me!

2009-07-20T18:19:00.003-04:00

Last night's episode of True Blood was a doozy! We learn how Eric was made, but more importantly we learned that even though Eric was covered in crusted blood and had a nasty ass weave, he's still fine as hell.If you want to read a synopsis, check out www.hbo.com/trueblood/season2. It's the most comprehensive overview, in case you're broke and can't afford HBO. Not that I'm talking about

Twilight vs. Harry Potter

2009-07-19T13:39:00.001-04:00

Jimmy Fallon isn't really that funny and he's definitely no Conan. Jimmy doesn't have Masturbating Bear or RoboPimp BUT he does have a great Robert Pattinson wig, check it out.

True Blood is Deeply Satisfying

2009-07-18T15:21:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if you are on the bandwagon, but True Blood is a softcore version of Twilight. I don't know what it is about vampires, but HBO does them right. Lots of nakedness, watered down ketchup and just plain interesting dialogue. Catch tomorrow's new episode, "Never Let Me Go" at 9PM on HBO.

Funnyman vs. Wild

2009-06-04T19:08:00.002-04:00

I'm familiar with Bear Grylls, the star of Man vs. Wild. Remember? He's the guy who pees into t-shirts and wears them on his head; eats whatever's got a pulse and sleeps in the carcasses of animals. But, he does it all with a British accent, so it makes him seem classier.If I did that shit, my dog would call the city to haul me away. Then she'd prance around the house, eat cheetos 'til she

Kebert Xela!

2009-06-04T07:18:00.003-04:00

So...have you seen the episode of Family Guy where Adam West sends Alex Trebek to another dimension by making Alex say his name backwards? And if so, have you seen the geeky guy with nothing to lose on Jeopardy ACTUALLY making Alex say his own name backwards? Check it out.

Link Me Up

2009-06-04T07:08:00.002-04:00

More news about the Real World descending on DC:Wonkette is super stokedDCist is even more stoked

DC Invaded by Cameras and Douches

2009-06-04T06:52:00.004-04:00

(You too can be a successful Real World alum, like Eric Nies. He went from being really hot and hosting MTV's The Grind to looking like that homeless man at Farragut Park who turned down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I tried to give him. Hello! Earth to homeless man, beggars can't be choosers...I guess I should have told him it had crack in it.)Hot diggity damn, DC is one popular

Real Horsewives of DC

2009-05-26T20:11:00.005-04:00

Ugh. And so it begins. Bravo announced today that the next installment of Real Housewives is going to take place in our nation's capital. Now I have no problems with DC, hell, I've been living here for eight years. I do have a problem with the so-called DC socialites. Let's face it, DC is not NYC. We don't have socialites here. We have lame ass men and women who can't make it big in NYC so

Ann Curry Needs Some McLovin'

2009-05-20T22:24:00.002-04:00

Ann Curry was out stalking Bradley Pitt at the Cannes Festival today. She finally caught up to him after ripping up the restraining order and getting past his bodyguard, Angie. Check out this awkward moment when she actually touches his face. You know Brad's booking the next available microderm appointment to sand her touch off his godly face.

Adam Lambert Lost on Idol

2009-05-20T22:11:00.002-04:00

Ugh, Adam Lambert was totally robbed when he lost the title of American Idol. Thank God Kris (even the spelling of his name irritates me) acknowledged that Adam was the one who deserved it. At first I was pissed, then sad, then suicidal, then strangely introspective.I think it's good that Adam didn't win, he's too good to be categorized as an American Idol tool. Not only his album going to

Real Ungrateful Wife of NYC

2009-04-12T22:31:00.001-04:00

So Bobby surprised Jill with a brand new SUV with tinted windows. Even though it's "exactly" what Jill wanted, a) she's not happy and b) Bobby's not off the hook with getting her a birthday present.Watch the clip below, Bobby just wants Jill to shut up and give him road head.

Rock of Love Winner

2009-04-12T22:20:00.002-04:00

Which one of these skanks won? Well the winner is.....TAYA!Who knew? I really thought Bret was going to pick Mindy. I guess Mindy's depression spells really got to Bret and he decided to go for the Penthouse piece of ass. Taya got a ring and Mindy got herpes as a consolation prize.Let's see if Bret pulls a Bachelor and swaps girls on the reunion show and let me count the seconds that either

I'm Hungre!

2009-04-02T20:21:00.002-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with this commercial. I would love to hear a club remix of this song. I hate that it makes me want to go to McDonald's.

Lady Gaga Cancelled on Me

2009-04-02T19:59:00.001-04:00

I was supposed to see this bitch tonight in DC, but she cancelled on me. I think the official statement was that she's "sick". Well, she wasn't sick enough to cancel on American Idol last night. What, I'm not as important as Simon Cowell or Ryan Seacrest? Oh right, I'm only a celebrity in my head. Shit.

Danger Will Robinson!

2009-04-02T19:49:00.002-04:00

On Monday's For the Love of Ray J came the reality show staple, the lie detector. Danger surprises no one by basically telling everyone that she wants to kill Unique. It's also not surprising that she's a crazy bitch.Check out the below clip that wasn't shown on the episode where Danger confesses that she's nuts. She says that only she and God know these things, well, and the rest of

Bruno Trailer

2009-04-02T19:44:00.002-04:00

My life is complete! I need an African baby like I need another Louis Vuitton. Wait, that means I need one.

Hulu is Ruining My Life

2009-03-28T12:30:00.002-04:00

I think that you've all seen the creepy Hulu commercials by now. It stars the guy behind Family Guy. Last night around 2AM I decided to find out what hulu was. I shouldn't have because my life is now over.Hulu is a site where you can watch all your favorite shows past and present. I ended up watching 4 episodes of Lipstick Jungle (we can talk about that later). But in addition to watching