The WILL, the WAY and the WIN!!!!

So... it is rainy

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 16:43:00 +0000

In Hyderabad.

The last couple evenings have been rainy. The weather has cooled down and it is exactly the kind of weather that inspires Pakodas, Mirchi, Coffee, Chai or anything warm and soothing. And songs.

Yesterday evening Dad and I sat on our doorstep and had tea, while it rained and our feet got wet, reminiscing old times when we (I and my sister) were little kids and our home seemed really huge and there was a small arugu (stone platform) just outside where we would just about do everything. Play, sit when there was a powercut, listen to our grandfather telling stories and sleep in summer. And when there were too many mosquitos, we would light a mosquito repellent and sit there.

It was precious.

Listening to music?

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:51:00 +0000

A few years ago, I asked my then newly found friend, who is now one my most favorite people - "What do you do when you have time? I like to read books."
He responded, without missing a beat, " Well, I like to listen to music." I asked him, " What else?"
He said, " Well I can spend hours listening to music".

I was confused. I listened to music, WHILE doing something else. So I just did not get how he could just LISTEN to music. I almost asked "what do you do while you listen to music", but I did not want to come across as someone who did not get him. I wanted to be friends.. So I said "OH".

But today, was a revelation. I have been listening to music, stuff we like for the last 3 hours and I have done nothing else. And I love this.Music is therapeutic. I finally get what he meant.

There are quite a few of these, where I have no idea what someone means but I think I do and then a few years later I understand what they actually meant and I pretend, I have always understood.

@ Starbucks

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 07:00:00 +0000

I was at the Starbucks in St Peters, MO a few days ago.

I was trying to catch up with my email and prepare for a presentation at work.

As you all know, I love Coffee… So what would my favorite hang out place be? Of course a coffee shop. Although I agree it is overpriced coffee, I reason with myself that , a cup of coffee, a few hours of uninterrupted work and free wifi, can cost that much.

If you have seen a Starbucks, you know it has a bunch of chairs and tables and a few (here 4) big sofa-chairs. You know the really good kind that you will sink into but can easily get out of - those. And sometimes, if the store is a big one, it may have a couch. Here all this good stuff was arranged together like a real living room. And as I got in really early, maybe 11:30 or so in the morning, I got to have one of the cozy Lazyboy chairs.

I was completely enjoying the view, my work and the grande cappuccino. I had just finished reading this email from my friend, which talked about how people (especially women) were being conned, kidnapped, hurt or robbed by these nasty con people. Now, I know I can not be easily kidnapped. There would be a need for at least 3 giants or a gun involved. I was dismissive of the email at first, but, in the wake of a warning like that, you do get a little paranoid.

Around 2 o clock, a group of about 5 people who looked completely in love with life, came in. There were maybe 2 big tables in the store and one of them as right in the middle of the store. They plopped down on those chairs. Around 2:15 or so, I got up to use the rest room. But as soon as I got up, these people started to sign to each other and sneaked some curious glances my way. I made it all the way to the restroom and these people suddenly got up and started to walk towards the sofa (MY SOFA).

There was my computer, bag, phone, keys to my car, everything lying out there. When I looked back from the door to the restroom, I got psyched and rushed back to the chair. They all stood around for a minute or so and moved to the other table near the front of the store. Now I had to really really use the restroom! But I was paranoid about leaving my bag and stuff out here. And there was a cyclist guy (god only know where he was biking in this heat - 100 F) who was on another chair in the living room.

These people kept looking at me and the cyclist between their conversations. Around 2:45, (I had to really go), one of the girls got up and sat down in one of the guys lap. And though I am now used to seeing people get cozy in public now, it really made me uncomfortable that they were in my line of sight and I couldn’t look anywhere without looking at them. (Not pretty!).

Around 3 though, the cyclist guy left. Did I already say I had to really really really go ? And about a wink later, this group took that corner of the living room. (The couple moved to one of the Lazyboys).

That’s when I realized that they were just looking to see if there was enough space for them to hang out more comfortably than in the wooden chairs. Ugh, I felt a little stupid. I locked my computer and rushed to the rest room as soon as this realization hit me.

And when I got back, EVERYTHING was as I had left it and when I looked at the group, they smiled at me and I smiled at them…

Damn! I don’t like that email at all.

Books and bookstores!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 07:00:00 +0000

I love books. I love fiction. I love to read about what other people have to say and so on. You get my drift…

But that is not just it. I also love the entire experience of sitting down with a book- if it is new, there is that sweet smell of freshly printed paper (or whatever it is that causes that kerosene type smell) and if it is an old book, there is personality. It has lived through so much.

I love going to the bookstore and browsing through the innumerable books. Walking through the aisles of books always gives me a feeling of reality. That does not come from browsing the same aisles online. It is just not the same thing.

Have you ever visited these half priced book stores? I must have spent a fortune there. And the GIANT bookstores? Barnes and Nobles and Borders ? And then there are these quaint little local bookstores that become a part of wherever you live. Oh, I just thought of a dozen other places you could buy books at.

I love my kindle. Don’t get me wrong. But I hear about all these great bookstores – like Borders- going out of business and it makes me really sad. What about preserving tradition? What about the jobs that all those stores, the publishing industry and all have? What about all those authors- oh well, they could always make the same kind of money selling their books online.

I am sure that the secondhand bookstores will last for a few years and then the libraries will last a few more years but I am afraid that will end and we will read anything and everything online. Ugh!

I wonder if this is the natural evolution of things and we have wiped out such cool traditions in history. I am sure there are things that our parents must have experienced and we have not even glimpsed in the movies. I am sure there is no right or wrong about it. I guess it is like the story of an endangered species of Turtles or something. First we kill them for the shells or for food and when we realize there are too few of them, they suddenly become valuable and we start to save them and then put them in controlled conditions to ensure their survival. And then when they have increased in population, release them into the wild or keep them in the wildlife sanctuaries. All this if someone raises a hell over the endangered species.

I am quite selfish here. I am hoping that all of these last at least my life time and I am able to be hopeful for a little bit more. I am not counting on it.

End of Borders might mark the beginning of the end of an era of traditional book reading. It fills me with a kind of despair and hopelessness that comes with losing something special. Its like we cannot help the world and we have to watch it go down!

My friends have Other Friends!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 07:00:00 +0000

I feel horrible.

1. My friends have other friends

2. What kind of a friend am I when I don’t like it that my friends have other friends.

A few days ago, I was talking to a friend who was going back to India for a trip and we started to discuss some shopping options. I asked him, knowing how great he is at picking out gifts, if he wanted me to look at some options with him online before he went shopping and he said he is cool and he was going to take his other friend shopping.

As soon as he said that there was that screaming in my head again! HE HAS OTHER FRIENDS. When the screaming finally cleared up a little, I started to think of my other friends from school, college and university and when I realized they all had moved on and have other friends, I swear the screaming became whining and lasted a couple days before I finally saw light and clarity.

I should have been happy that my friends have other friends.

And then the embarrassment kicked in. Am I possessive? Some of my friends are married and have a family now. When they tell me they are going some place with other friends, I want to argue how they can do that. And I tell myself, if I was in their town, I would be the one they would go with.

Okay. This is not the first time I have felt this way. Whenever I move towns, I let go of close people and just like I have continued to live and enjoy life, they have too and life goes on. But each time I move, a little bit of my heart is left there. And every time I hear new evidence of my friends moving on, that little bit fades and I am apprehensive that the threads that hold us all together are getting weaker.

I have moved on, why should it be different for any body?

Am I an exception or is it a natural course of events?

Do you feel like you are losing touch with close people and over time, you replace them with other people/ relationships/ work/ something and don’t think of them as much and after some more time, you just stop trying to make sense of these things?

Public speaking! I hate it!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Sun, 15 May 2011 07:00:00 +0000

Okay… this might sound lame but I freeze on stage.

If there is no one hearing what I am saying, I make sense and I say what I think I want to say.

But WHEN more people are listening, like in a conference room, I freeze! I only say a little bit of what I want to say and even worse is that I sound like I am shivering. UGH!!!

Why do I do that, I have no idea. I think I become somebody else and embarrass myself. And I did that today. AGAIN! UGH!!!

How did I get through interviews? No Idea!

Oh hell!

Maggi again!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Sun, 01 May 2011 07:00:00 +0000

Disclaimer : This is me reminiscing...

As I licked off the last of Maggi off the bowl, I was filled with Nostalgia. It has played such an important role in my life and I never got a chance to be grateful. So here is a tribute ;)

Sunday mornings: When we were really young, Maggi was a sunday morning special for us kids. Watching Chandrakanta or Mahabharat over Maggi.

When I got to college and lived in a hostel in Nagpur, I had access to all my friends' bikes. So early in the morning at 5:30, we would get out to go to the tuition. On most days, we would bunk tuition and drive to this shop+south indian tiffins store called Shruti (I think). We would buy Maggi and get it cooked with onions. And hang out eat it and then take a walk. The morning dew, the fog and warm Maggi - It was poetic.

Around the same time, I had a room mate who would try her best to help me study. I couldnt appreciate her efforts then but anyway, she would wake me up with Maggi and try to get me to study for the exams. I would eat the Maggi, lick my fingers and go back to sleep. But the best part was when we would chat about the philosophies of life while cooking and eating Maggi. Yummm.

When I got here and we would hang out until late night and fuss over Maggi and coffee, it was like connecting to home. With room mates, with friends. Alone when I lived alone. With family. Maggi has always helped connect and to take it easy.

Another friend and I are both book worms. When we shared the apartment, in winters, we would both be inside our (own respective) comforters, with our own books and take a break to make Maggi. And steaming Maggi would read the book with us. Wow, the image is still fresh.

Oh, and also, very importantly, inspired by "Koffee with Karan" a show in India, we created our own version "Maggi with Megha". Which had 2 seasons. :)

And, Maggi was the first thing I learnt to cook when I was maybe 9/10.

So, until Maggi moves me to remember something else, thats all on Maggi....

Any Maggi stories you got?

Are you afraid of dying?

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 02:06:00 +0000

So Yes... that is not a typical topic of discussion but I freaked out for the first time about a tornado in the area. I am allowed to talk about something like this.

Did you have any near death experiences?

I have had a few. Mostly involving accidents and vehicles. 4 major and a bunch of minor ones. I have had to, quite recently, learn defensive driving. And... oh well, thats another story.

I was wondering while getting into my not so recently cleaned bath tub as the tornado warning siren, here in ST Louis went off, what if this is really the end of me! Actually that was not a problem.. the problem was, I have so many things to do before I am ready to die!!!

It was an interesting thought. You see, usually when I think like this, it is because I have had a little too much to drink or I am so overworked that I dont remember if I had lunch. And since there is a logical explanation of why I would think these thoughts, I rationalize and let it go.

Today though, I started to wonder about all those people who said... "it was a life changing experience"...
And may be, this is mine. Okay this is again, what I choose it to be but you see it already is something even before I make a choice.

I am reminded again of how small a part of the big world we are and no matter how hard we try to control things, there is no way to do it than to let them go and reach their own conclusion. I may hide in the tub or in my cozy closet but the bottom line is, if there is enough weight in the wind, I will die.

I have too much unfinished business and I am not ready.
As Frost said -

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

And as the tornado has passed, I am going to hold on to that thought and hope it will reach its own magical... oh sorry, logical conclusion...

Bliss!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 20:21:00 +0000

Rain outside.
Cuddled in the comforter.
Hot coffee beside.
Classics playing in the background.
Book on the Kindle.

Bliss!

I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge. - Calvin

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 21:23:00 +0000

I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge. <- CALVIN.

Bill Watterson

A few years ago, we had a test of some sort - I dont remember what it was for.

It had 10 questions and apparently I got them all wrong. And the people who corrected the tests ( who later became very good friends of mine) had MY answer sheet on the wall. And it was a prop for conversation for a long time.

I dont remember the questions but here is one I havent been able to forget :D

Q - What is the capital of Ethiopia?
Megha's answer - Ethiopia is an imaginary country. So it does not have a capital.

( I think I was thinking of UTOPIA)

I read that quote from Calvin and Hobbes and it reminded me of good old days :D

India's victory!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 01:07:00 +0000

World Cup 2011.

I am so happy with India's victory. I dont know how team India playing in Mumbai, has this effect on my psyche. It has put me in a very happy and optimistic mood.

I am amazed at this reaction. How can a game that is played somewhere else by people who trained for it in some other place in the world, make it such an emotional experience for me. I am amazed at the positive effect this has on everyone :)

I am just super happy!!!

And like so many things, I am sure this is a positive sign for .... well, EVERYTHING!

The rock fell into the ocean and died a brave death.

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 08:00:00 +0000

The rock fell into the ocean and died a brave death.

A rock does not live, so how can it die?
Imagining that it is a living thing ( which it is not!!!) , and died by falling into the ocean, how can you look at that as brave? Are you just being nice about it?
If it would have died fighting or running or to save somebody (chances are it was tied to somebody's leg to drown him) .... maybe brave but ... What am I saying.. how can a rock die?
Why do you care about it if a rock fell into the ocean and died.
Why is the rock important?
Can rocks die? Ok don’t get all science-y with me.
Is there a song like this?
Is this a metaphor?
If this was a song, did the video have a metaphorical meaning?
Is this some sort of convoluted poetry?

I don’t get it and somehow this time, I don’t feel like I am dumb to not get it!!!

Okay it is funny. But still!!!

My friends just write RANDOM stuff on Facebook and this is an example..

Our World?

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 07:00:00 +0000

ఏ దేశ చరిత్ర చూసినా ఏమున్నది గర్వ కారణం?
నర జాతి చరిత్ర సమస్తం పర పీడన పరాయణత్వం - శ్రీ శ్రీ
Ye desha charitra chusina emunnadi garva karanam?
Nara jati charitra samastham para peedana parayanatvam – Srirangam Srinivasa Rao

For the non-telugu readers of my blog, here’s the translation
Look at any country’s history. Is there anything worth being proud of?
The history of mankind is a tale of exploitation.

Every once in a while, I cannot help but think of this little couplet.

Do you think of the world around you?

I try not to. But sometimes when I am overwhelmed by the part I play in my own life – which I think is very small. ( This way I can blame everyone but me for everything.)

And then What the f@#% are you doing here? This question haunts me.

And scares me again and again (like a recurring nightmare)

The eternal question – What is purpose of life? That follows as well. But I manage to stop myself from wondering about the purpose of life and trying to understand the world we live in and here is what I have.

We were taught when we were very young, (Disclaimer: A lot of people I know were taught otherwise when they were kids) that the world is
a)    A slate where you make your design the way you like it.
b)    Based on the basic principles of integrity, honor and honesty.
c)    Where EACH person has a part to play like in a family.
I grew out of this very fast. More likely the world is

a) Where there is so much mess that all you can really do is fight for survival. Design? BS!

b) Based on who has more money and more power or more contacts in the right place

c) Hopeless. Even if every one of us do play our part, it is beyond help and we are all screwed.

Okay, so what if the entire world is screwed and all of mankind is corrupt? So what?
            Find your way to survive and live and die and if you have power and money, enjoy and if maybe by some cosmic miracle you find some bit of conscience left, help people who don’t have the means to survive.
            Do not bother doing your part even if it means you will find more meaning to life.
So what?

Do you think of following the ideals you learnt as a child in the stories of honor and greatness, in your world?
            Yes I do. In MY WORLD. I am honest, I live by my ideals and I stand up for myself. But MY WORLD is me.
            But outside of that, I am just trying to fit in. I am just trying to survive. So, NO. I avoid thinking about honor and greatness. They sound great in stories but honestly in reality, such things like honor and greatness and honesty and integrity are accidental. They happen rarely and usually end predictably – destroyed.

What kind of ideals does a world like ours needs?
            Are you kidding me? This is a question for kids. Who cannot do much more than think about this and come up with solutions that over time will fade away.
            Don’t think about this. You might find something that would make sense to you and that’s not a good thing.

Are we living a life of responsibility?
            Okay, I think that is enough. You do not think about all this. What is a life of responsibility? Yes I do live a life of responsibility. I feed myself, launder my own clothes and take care of my bills. What else can there be?

I don’t want to think about all of this. About what I can do to help make small changes that give my life some sort of purpose or meaning or sanity. I just want to be a survivor who rides the tide and gets it over with.

And then I wonder… What is it worth? Oh! What is the purpose of life?

Everyday I live in a dull stupor, following a routine I work so hard to put myself in by working day in and out, to get that high in which I can neither see nor hear ideals. I close my eyes and ignore that everyday is corrupt. I turn a deaf ear to every call for truth and honesty. I refuse to see integrity in people and jealously guard my ability to do so.

And every once in a while something like this awakens a long forgotten feeling of a utopian world where in place of this coma is hope, idealism, heroism and all those good things we leant as kids. Where life is meaningful.

Oh well… I have already buried this in a corner of my mind and in a few days I know I will dig it up and think a little more and make a stronger coffin and find a darker corner.

As survival takes over all other ideals, we must remember that in the end, we are all animals. Are we?

Reviving the art of letter writing

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Since I was a little girl, I had a fascination (I am not exaggerating) for letters and these days, all I receive in the mail are bills and advertisements and every once in a while, a letter from my mother.

As far back as I can remember, we have had the same postman who would come on his ancient bicycle, ringing its ancient bell to deliver mail. We would get one may be two letters in a month but we would wait for him every single day. And wave at him as he passed by.

As I grew up, I started to fall in love with the stationery. And I still am always looking out for stationery to write letters. I studied away from home and that allowed for an opportunity to write letters. I wrote and received more letters than any of my batch mates in college in Vijayawada. From family and friends, who graciously wrote about the happenings in their lives. Once in a while, I would call. It was expensive to call (no cell phones or family plans then)

This was going on so well. And then, INTERNET and EMAIL happened! Slowly all my friends would keep in touch by either instant messaging (and if I wasn’t online when they were, I missed the opportunity to talk to them) or by emails. By the time I got to Nagpur, I had all but stopped writing to my friends or family. Mostly emails and phone calls. I still tried to make or get a card for birthdays, instead of (sometimes in addition to) an e-card. We would pass notes in class though :)

Then, I stopped writing letters. I stopped sending cards. I stopped making cards. I stopped spending time on keeping in touch. I occasionally sent emails but mostly responded to the emails I got. I stopped sending e-cards as well and until about six months ago, I dint feel the need to do anything different.

I was sorting through the (craft and such) junk in our storage and found a big stack of letter paper and envelopes and material I had gotten to make cards. I just could not resist making a card and this led to writing home (to my mother who I talk to twice a week- crazy I know).

It was completely liberating. No reaction, only expression. Awesome. So I started to think about reviving the art of letter writing which is just a decorated way of saying to start writing letters and sending cards.

I have letters (most) that my friends wrote to me when I was 15/16 years old. I love to go back and read them. It reminds me of simpler times and days. Reminds me of the hours I spent at the local card shop(and Archie’s gallery) trying to figure out if the card says exactly what I wanted to say to a person. If it matched their personality and our relationship. And I missed it.

I realize, every time I pick a card, I spend time on concentrating on how I feel about a person. On where we were, the last time we spoke. It is personal and I like it. If I don’t have the time to make a card or get a card or write a note, I guess I don’t care enough for that person or I know they don’t care about it. OR I don’t have their address.

I started with sending out birthday cards. I don’t know everyone’s and I don’t have everyone’s address but it’s a start.

Walked ...

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Yesterday we went for a walk.

We try to walk to the library and back which is almost 3 miles.The entire walk is so pretty (in any season).

There is a winding road from our apartment to the main road where you can see everything is GREEN (nowadays).
From there to the signal, there are these new villas and then a huge conservation area ( well, it is a lot of tall trees, so many that you cannot see inside the vegetation).
Then there is a little bit through residential area where there are pretty houses and a few apartments and a lot of people with dogs and children walking around.
Here, we get to another signal across which, is the MALL. Its a huge mall but there isnt a lot of traffic on this road. Anyways, from here on, it must be about a 3/4 of a mile to the library and halfway through, there is another signal. At this signal, on the left there is a BIG PRETTY BUILDING. It is wierd because there is nothing much around except this building.

Now this building is a BIOENERGY office [okay from outside it looks like a lot of office cubes]. So yesterday as we were nearing this building, we started to hear a siren. IT was continuous, like a tornado warning or something. This kept growing in intensity as we neared the building. Piercing sound!!!
We walked past it and it occurred to us that it could, actually be an alarm of some sort. But we went forward to the library and walked back. And the alarm was still going off. After much discussion, we walked back home, and went to sleep.

Ideally, this is what I would have done
a) Call 911 and let them know that the alarm is going off
b) Listen to the radio to see if something about it is ON
c) Check on TV to see if somethin about it is ON.

I would make sure that the alarm was no big deal.

What did I do?
a) I argued with myself that it is no big deal and if it would be, the police would have already known. If I called and it was no big deal, maybe I would be charged with false alarm or something.
b) I thought it was nothing to worry about and if this was happening in India, I would have already forgotten it.
c) I ignored it and believed it would go away.

It is a BIO-ENERGY building. I should have panicked. I mean you could hear the alarm for a half mile radius.

It amazes me. The ability to ignore something and believe nothing is going to happen. Isnt this how obvious signs are missed and accidents happen?

Does it fall into the SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY category?
What does it say about you if you dont call/ do something about such a thing? Those were my reasons to not act on it?
But is it fair for us to be this way?

I am almost disappointed in myself, even though I know I would'nt be as forgiving if there was blast because of it.

Or, Do you think this is all BS and I should just forget it and get on? What would you do?

Working with constraints!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:00:00 +0000

For the last 15 days, all I have done is WORK, and then work and then work some more. I try to believe that programming is a creative thing. But to put your creative energy into practice, you need to be able to analyze and that needs time. This is starting to get on to my nerves!!!

Programming is fun but what do you do when you have too many constraints :( All my creative energy is going into getting it done rather than focusing on the HOW to get it done.

Sometimes I think it would be better to do some sort of physically demanding work (like cutting stones in a quarry) that does not involve choking your creativity. At least you know you dont have any other way to do it, except to use different tools.

I guess if you put me anywhere, I will complain about something or the other. In the stone quarry, I would be complaining about the heat and the clothes and dust and what not.

(Like in Fountainhead) At least you dont have to think about the end product. You dont have to think about the performance/ best practices /stuff of the sort!!..

Working with constraints!!!! Oh hell!!!

What would life be without constraints though? Ah, not very peaceful.

But what you gonna do? You got to do what you got to do - and hopefully it will get better as soon as the stress goes down. Or the task gets done.

ASHA - Flyer

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 17:33:00 +0000

Asha is a non-profit, zero overhead organization that raises money for projects in India.
The reasons I volunteered for this organization are

Transparency. There are no hidden costs, everything that comes from the donors, goes to the projects. All of the costs for the events to raise money
Focus on simple but effective ways to improve lives at the grass roots level. Projects like schools, after school lessons, evening schools, for special needs children....
I could run with TEAM ASHA.

Asha in StLouis has this Team Asha, where volunteers train and raise money through a marathon/half marathon or a race of their choice in Fall.
Well, this year, TEAM ASHA has a trainer (from Big River Running). We have a couple info sessions through June.

If you are interested, please do attend one of these sessions and find out more about Team ASHA.

This morning

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Although risking to sound like a weather report, I cannot help talking about the weather. It has not influenced my mood as much as it does these days.

I love sunlight but I dont like it warm. I love it when it looks like it is going to rain but is not actually raining and is warm enough for a run.
It was so refreshing when I woke up - very early (my early may not be your early which is 5:30 am) -this morning to twilight and no sun. The entire scene felt like the world was throbbing with energy

It was lovely, can it not stay this way forever and ever and ever...

Silver Lining?

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Can you see the silver lining? For everything?

Honestly, I cannot. I have to try really really really hard to see a silver lining and sometimes, I think I make it up to not sulk. [it works]

This weekend, we stayed home, caught up on the 'Z's, watched a bunch of movies, I used up some paper and doodled, messed up the kitchen and made some brownies... you know like 'domestic bliss' [too strong to describe it].

The best part was the movies and I watched 'STUART LITTLE' for the first time. The moral of the movie was that every cloud has a silver lining (and that it looks really stupid when grown ups converse with rats). Anyways, it brought forth the challenge to see a silver lining in everything.

Okay, I cannot find a silver lining in someone suffering or dying but most other things are okay I think.

How can you find the silver lining?

Here is an algo, if you cannot find it using this, then I dont know what to say except that you are being really pessimistic. Or that your pain is blinding your ability to see the flip side or atleast the silver.[rolling eyes]

Pre requisite - you have to want to find it.

Look hard
Then look really hard
And then look some more.
Go to your happy place and rethink the situation- Take a break and think of the good things in life and think again.
See if it helps any one else- Helping is silver
Did you learn anything? - Patience and Practice are also silver linings
Think basic - if nothing, you burnt calories thinking about it and worrying about it

Why should you try? - Ummeed par hi tho duniya kaayam hai - The world is constructed on hope. And if not for hope, we would all be machines.

So I am going to try. and try and try to find the silver lining in everything I do.

What to do if you cannot find it? What is there to do.. Life goes on, you deal with it like the way you deal with it. We dont have answers to everything. [roll of eyes].

Shallow water fish...

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 19:00:00 +0000

I talked to a friend of mine after a long time. Okay not so long in terms of time but long in terms of the content of our conversation.

It was fun to talk to him but I heard myself trying too hard to be agreeable. Basically I sounded shallow. I know I am not shallow. I only sound that way ( or do I?).

I have taken the tone of 'been there done that' and I dont know if I am even conscious of that.

I started to observe me and it turns out, I am a very different person than the one I had wanted me to be. Okay, maybe the levels of this hypocrisy are not pathological but I think it definitely needs work.

I need to work on being more honest to me.

Do you ever get a feeling that you are doing something different or being somebody different just to be more acceptable?
I never thought I would say yes to that question.

Somewhere in the last few years, I picked up that a part of growing up is pretending.
I do what I want to do, I like what I like. I wonder where then has this bit about trying to be agreeable fits in.

Another sick habit is trying to finish sentences. The assumption that I know what each person is saying, leads to me finishing their sentences. Ridiculous!

So, today I am annoyed with me. (Although annoyed is a very strong word.)

Oh heck!

Letting go...

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Tue, 18 May 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Theoretically, I know "Letting go", but practically, I need reminders and conscious training. This was a reminder.

My office space looked like this.

My system is directly visible to anyone passing by. This means that my back is towards the door (into the cube). So, when R gave me a rear-view mirror, I was overjoyed. It works. But you see the guy right outside my cube is a very busy dude. He has visitors all the time. So, over time, it had become a habit... I would glance into the mirror to look to see who is talking/passing by and yesterday, there was too much distraction. Every time I would look into the mirror, I would lose my focus.

By evening, I was irritated with myself. And the mirror. So I pushed the mirror down. So now, I could not see who was outside my cube. I could also not hear the murmuring tech chatter either.

But that isn't the incredible bit.

I looked outside the window. I could see outside the large windows and enjoy the amazing colors outside. I was missing out on this

Lovely. And whats more, no focus issues. PEACE.

How is this related to letting go?
You have to stop focusing on the rear-view mirror to see what lies ahead = if you stop thinking about bygones and let go, only then is the path forward clear. It could be staring at your face or just outside your window but you have to look at it to know... :D

Red bud trees!!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Tue, 11 May 2010 07:00:00 +0000

The tree I earned:D By walking for a little bit.

So on Earth day, at work, If we walked this little trail, we would have won saplings.

When they said saplings, I thought of something more like for little plants. But they had trees!!!

They were saplings for RED BUD trees that grow into an average 20- 30 ft!!!.

Even though I was apprehensive about taking a baby tree and planting it in a little pot in the balcony of our apartment, I am glad I did.

For two weeks, the tree said nothing. Not a shade of green on it. So yesterday morning I said "Look, show me a sign to say you are alive. I would hate it if you are not but I am hoping you will be and I dont want to disappoint myself. So please grow, atleast, 1 leaf."

And you know it was listening because this is what the plant showed me today A LEAF!!!!

I am the happiest ever!!!

Birthdays!!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 07:00:00 +0000

So I turned 28. It was a chocolates+flowers+cake sort of a birthday and it was fun.

I think it is too early to start thinking of time ticking away.

There is so much to be done ... Not that there aint enough time.. Just so much to be done...Excited.

I wonder why this doesnt seem as significant as (16,18,21) 25 did or 30 promises to be.. It is all in the mind (?)

Wondering aloud!!!

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 18:10:00 +0000

There should be a way to measure wisdom. The more the better... like on a scale of 1- 400 (or some other random number)
Like age, it is ever increasing and it can increase with experience and we dont have to wait for an year to celebrate a birthday although it cannot be called a 'birth'day any more...

And on birthday's we should ask and be asked - How wise are you today? not - How old are you today?

It totally sucks when you start feeling older, even though you know you should be feeling wiser and happier and not focus on the years bit...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Are you a hugger?

noreply@blogger.com (M A) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 07:00:00 +0000

I don’t get the half-hugs that could be shrugs.

I don’t mind not hugging altogether.

I mean don’t be a hypocrite. If you are uncomfortable with a hug, don’t do it. A handshake is good enough. A hi-fi works too and also a punch-fi.

But don’t hug and not hug. I think it is ridiculous. I don’t like it.

If I am uncomfortable with hugging somebody, I will shake hands. I am fine with that. I have done that before.

What are you trying to show? Either hug or don’t. What are these stupid half-hugs?

I am a hugger. If I am close to a person, I don’t do half hugs. I either hug or I greet with a hand shake.

But I am not so sure anymore that I am close to as many people as I hug and that makes me a hugger and that, embarrasses me a little. But what the heck, If they don’t like it, they will say so (or not) at their own expense.