tylertarver.com

Knox McCoy asked Me Some Questions and Stuff

Tyler — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 17:03:46 +0000

Hey, if you’re a person then you probably have heard of/are Knox McCoy. Well, he asked me some questions about the new business I started and that made my tummy hurt so I drank some boiling hot milk and wrote a run-on sentence and answered 10 questions.

So here we are.

Here is a Google Search result when you type in 10 Questions:

Here’s the first few lines from it:

1. Tyler, you have recently embarked upon a remarkable venture combining elegance, class and ingenuity. It’s like a Lexus commercial but infinitely more impressive, beautiful and important. Would you like to tell us a little about Tyler Tarver Studios?

Yeash, I’d love to. It’s nothing like a Lexus commercial, because I’m actually selling Lexus cars, not their commercials. By Lexus cars, I mean I’m selling my services as a Video person and Photo person, to video and freeze frame people, preferably next to Lexus cars and/or a TV airing a commercial [Honda preferably].

2. Your logo is a combination of…

Click here to go check out all 10 thrilling questions of thrill at Knox’s Place.

In the Comments: What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen/read all week?

Cause daddy like to laugh.

Also, don’t forget to sign up for my VIP Email list to get a Free copy of my book Words & Sentences, while supplies last.

Join the Revolution and Get a Free Book

Tyler — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 18:06:18 +0000

Okay, fine. I got an email list.

If you sign up, you get Words & Sentences for Free Digitally. I’ll send it as soon as I figure out to do that. But you will get it. I promise cross my heart and hope to stay alive at least til the Hunger Games movie comes out.

You’ll also get updates and free crap and fun stuff and not fun stuff occasionally (promise no more than once a week, likely not more than once a month).

You may be asking yourself a few more questions.

You may even be asking them in italics.

Well, then you might enjoy the following converation.

Shutup, What’s this thing for?

I’m not positive what it’ll be for, except to give people free crap I do, know who I should direct my love to, and ask for help/opinions on certain stuff.

What’s in it for me?

Well, you get free crap occasionally. I think I just said that.

Yeah, you did.

I know.

Cool.

Cool Cool.

How do I sign up?

The link below this sentence.
Click to Subscribe to Join the Revolution
Note: No actual political Revolution will take place. Possibly a regular Volution, but if we mess up, we might reVolution.

What did you click on to bring yourself here today?

Juno the Dog the Superhero

Tyler — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 12:36:44 +0000

I recently won a lotto over at Stanton’s Place to have my dog Juno drawn as a Superhero.

A what?

A Superhero.

Yeah.

Her most amazing power I’ve found is that she pees when she sees someone new.

Here’s the photo that the talented and elegant Josh LaFayette drew of her.

Freakin. Awesome.

Want your pet etched in Excellence?

Check out the site: petsaresuperhero.es and you won’t regret it ever in your life.

Who is your favorite animal Superhero?

To-Do List

Tyler — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 17:54:53 +0000

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The Secret Perks of Being a Dad

Tyler — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 16:21:20 +0000

This was a post I wrote for the cleverest of the clever, Gabriella, make sure to check out her adventures, or else you won’t and you’ll be forced to go to prison. You ever seen Oz? Yeah, so do it.

The Secret Perks of Being a Dad

In life, people have kids. The parent who is male, is called the “dad”. I know, knowledge abounded. Here are some perks of being a dad that someone might not read in What to Expect When you’re Expecting and/or The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

Conversations: My kid just rounded the one year mark like a long-term high school relationship, so the only words he can really say articulately are daddy, uh oh, and grandiose. However, I like to partake in little games with the gibberish he spits out in sentence form.

Whenever we’re in public and he starts rambling on, I like to respond as if he said something deeper than the hole Mel Gibson dug for himself. Examples include, “I see your point, but I just feel the barbarian integration as mercenaries carried a majority of the weight that led to the downfall of the Roman Empire.” Or, “Rene Descartes never said that, you’re paraphrasing”.

Pushing: You remember when you were in grade school and you got in trouble for pushing? I know, I loved pushing too like the wife of someone with the street name for a drug dealer. Well, guess what proud male owner of a brand new kid, You, yes You! Get to push that kid in every plastic car and cart and carton and anything else starting with “c-a-r” that you can’t keep your wife from buying. I know, it’s like that one fight you got into except you don’t get suspended like James Earl Jones’ pants in Field of Dreams.

Humility: You only get one life. That’s what some people say anyways, but not if you have kids. Cause you get to train them to be better than everyone else. Yeah, and when they are better than everone else, you get to show them how awesome you are at humility by not rubbing it in their face that your kid can do 15 pushups while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution at age 1.2, while their kid is chewing on a dog biscuit.

Those are a few perks you won’t read in the textbook.

Thanks G-Money, I’ll try to think of a cool nickname like you asked later.

What are some more perks I missed?

Pictures of Win: Part 39

Tyler — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 20:12:43 +0000

Here are some….you know the drill (not personally, but his name is Dewitt and he’ll screw you up).

Boom. Big haul this week.

Did you buy my book for only 5 dollars?

Want to?

Cool, cool cool.

Another Dating Video Stuff Man

Tyler — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 15:54:47 +0000

Words & Sentences Book Promo

Tyler — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 16:28:47 +0000

You know what they say, When you write a book, wait til 7 months after it releases to make a crappy promo because the good promo idea never got made.

They always say that. Mostly Barb, but that’s cause she won’t shutup.

Here’s the Promo that was definitely made just for the book and not something else that I edited to make it for the book.

WHAT? THE BOOK IS ON SALE? FOR 5 DOLLARS? YOU’RE SCREAMING?

Yes Yes Yes and Yes.

You can buy it on PDF (iPhone/Pad/Computer) for 5 DOLLARS!!! Crap, that’s less than a new car.

BUY it for JUST 5 DOLLARS on the Kindle. Straight up? You know it.

I tried to lower the price of the Paperback Edition to 5 dollars, but they wouldn’t let me cause it’s like 300 pages and comes with free intelligence. So I literally put it at the lowest price I could at $11.13.

Or you could just write a Review and such.

In the Comments: Why haven’t you bought every copy I have of it?

Best Last Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts Ever

Tyler — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:54:31 +0000

Holy Crap! It’s 4:37 pm and you’re headed home and your girl is all like Don’t you even thank about dat coming home wit out gettin me da thang I wanted so bad.

You’re scanning your brain like you about to run off worksheets for a boring class to remember what she wants.

Shoes? Nope, not essential.

A Hat? No! She doesn’t even have hair since you shaved it in her sleep.

A New Car? NEVER!!! CARS ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO YELL WHEN THEY TYPE!!!

Here are some makeshift last minute ideas to get you out of the doghouse, and into the treehouse (the higher the better).

That CD/Cassette in your car you don’t listen to Anymore: Mumford and Sons? ARE YOU CRAZY LIKE A STRAIGHT JACKET? That’s good music. Dig under the seat and grab that mixtape that chick you made out with once in high school made you with Nelly and Big Tymas on it. She’ll love it like a cardiovascular system.

Dirt: Pull over on the side of the road and grab some dang dirt dude. Flowers are stupid cause they die. When was the last time dirt went bad? Boom. Hello Intelligence, nice to meet you. Plus, you can plant those flowers those other fellas that are courting her brought. Just like your dirt, you’ll outlast their fancy looks and smells goods, because like you’re dirt you’re always there. I should run for President with this knowledge.

Fast Food: It doesn’t even have to be fresh. It’s a proven fact that at any given moment, a minivan contains 4.3 happy meals in it’s crevasses. Dig out some magic and hold it out the window (winder for my southern audiences) to get off the folicles ‘n such, then put it on a Dixie plate for the finest dinner anyone’s seen since that guy ate that photo of Brittany Spears before she was a walking crazy pill.

Your Time: What’s the ultimate gift that you can’t rewrap? Exactly, it’s the thing in bold at the beginning of the paragraph. You’re giving seconds of a fleeting life you’ll never get back. Listen to her talk about shoes and hats and cars (oh my). To get through, focus on how good those fries were you found under your seat. You had so many different kinds. It was like a United Nations of Unhealthy Salty Goodness.

You’re welcome fellas. I accept large bills only.

Like Clinton before he lost the weight or Fat Bill Jones from Science Club.

What is today again?

In the Comments: What are some more awesome/great/passable V-Day Gifts?

To-Do List

Tyler — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 17:06:38 +0000

What’s on your To-Do List this week?

How to be the Teacher’s Pet

Tyler — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:09:17 +0000

Here’s a little diddy I wrote for IronicMom.com, cause she’s fly like a zipper. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. No you shutup.

Now, means right now, which is when you’re going to nonverbally hear the most important thing you’ll read while you’re reading this. Confused? Go drink some milk and run a mile, cause this is Happening like a M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Shirtliffe and I are both teachers, and while we both probably act like we’re super fair and cool with all students, we honestly have favorites. It’s true, we like some of your kids, and some of them get on our freaking nerves like a spinal tap.

Here are some quick ways to get to the top of our during-class delivery trips and here’s a few points to bump up your grade lists.

Give us Apples: This old teacher action is not only true, but it’s not false. We’ll accept all kinds of apples. iPads, iPods, iMacs, iAnything…we’ll take it like a nice pen the waiter gives us to sign our receipt. Haha Using nice pens…that’s why you’re getting me more ranch and not a doctor.

Don’t Correct Us: We became teachers because we like being smarter than everyone else in the room. If we wanted to feel stupid we’d get a barb-wire tattoo and watch reality Tv. When we say we’ll resume something on Monday, but we’re off on Monday, you know what we mean. Don’t make me call your parents and tell them you’re the kid who farts in class.

Be Funny: It’s just math, I don’t need you going all Stone Cold Steven Seagal-face on me about some stupid equation. Be chill like an 1983’s movie with Jeff Goldblum. Seriously, be not serious.

Participate: If we wanted everything we said to be rhetorical, we’d be principals.

Ultimate Teacher’s Pet: Be a cat or dog that we own.

In the comments, what caused the fall of the Roman Empire who was your favorite teacher and why?

Pictures of Win: Part 38

Tyler — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:20:46 +0000

Hello Your Eyes, I have some presents for you.

What’s that smell?

Getting to Know Your Face

Tyler — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:18:44 +0000

I was going to do a 13 Thoughts post today, but then I was thinking “Francis [what I call myself], I think people have heard enough about you. Also, your fly is unzipped.”

After XYZPDQ, I figured I’d just ask a couple questions for you handsome ladies and pretty gentlemen that didn’t involve something involving something.

1. What’s your favorite pick-up line?

2. What TV show do you look forward to the most these days?

I’ll go first, or third, but never second.

Dating Videos

Tyler — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:13:16 +0000

Here’s a Dating Video for your Viewing Pleasure. Why did I capitalize a lot of words in that sentence? I honestly have no idea.

If you want to see just my Video in full, check it out on the Facebook Page.

We already know Sharideth’s, so what was your worst date ever?

Important Questions for Attractive People

Tyler — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:08:53 +0000

I’m almost finished writing a new book.

It’s a book comprised of letters to famous people.

I’ve titled it: “Letters to Famous People”

Abstract, I know.

I’m taking last minute requests on the last few people/things/places/whatevers I should write to.

1. Who should I write a letter to in my book?

and/or

2. Would you be willing to promote it on your website if I gave you a free copy?

and/or

3. How hot are you today in terms of sports teams?

Ps The title of this post is about you, because you’re attractive and these questions are for you.

Ps I love you

The Movie.