Unexpectedly Single

Independent, Interdependent or Codpendent?

2008-07-04T14:23:36-05:00

Happy Independence Day!
This year I find I have mixed feelings concerning the idea of independence. I have been trust into the blessing and curse of unwanted marital independence. It is as though my wife sent me her own declaration, only not so eloquent or moral. She simultaneously threw off the 'tyranny' of our marriage and subjected me to the tyranny of the divorce process where judges, laws, guidelines and settlements will tell me how to live and what I can do for perpetuity. I want to be together, interdependent, which is, "a dynamic of being mutually responsible to and sharing a common set of principles with others."
It seems however, that I am actually codependent with her. In my quest to make sense of our broken union I learned that I was in many ways too emotionally dependent on her, addicted to her in a sense. Her assessment of me mattered/matters? far to much to me. I highly recommend "Love is a Choice" one of the books in the carousel to the right. It is a great resource for letting go of unhealthy relationships and attachments.
That said, despite all the anger and sorrow, I miss her. I don't want to spend this or any other holidays separate. I guess it will take more time for me to let go and move on. I will move on, but not today. Today I will indulge myself in missing her with her great smile, beautiful hair, near perfect body, loving eyes and ability to light up a room. I digress.

An Island of Beauty in Times of Chaos

2008-06-28T22:20:06-05:00

I found this CD in a portable radio I borrowed right around the time my wife left. It truly has been an refuge for me. Each track expresses another facet of my journey with more dimension and fullness than I can find words for. I highly recommend it.

Click here to listen or buy the CD

Living Fully

2008-06-26T23:37:41-05:00

Sometimes I am full of a sense of gratitude for being alive, to have lived and have yet more days to do so. I also find myself occasionally tempted to feel despair over my existence, to wish I wasn't. Its strange to live in a state of such profound emotional contradiction. But today, for myself and before the world, I say I am glad to be alive, to exist and live on. I refuse to look back and fantasize about what changes I would make. The fact is, I have lived. I have been a boy experiencing everything for the first time with wonder and zeal, I have been in love, I have been loved by many, I have been betrayed and abandoned, I have succeeded beautifully and failed fantastically, I have been in control and I have been addicted, I have made love to an amazingly beautiful woman, I have stood atop great mountains, I have been captivated in transcendent worship, I have been lonely, I have lied and been lied to, I have watched my son being born and held him in my arms, I have also watched my son hurt, I have been a husband, I have gained friends and lost others, I have been overcome by beauty in nature, I have profited greatly on homes and been foreclosed on, I have been the pastor and the pagan, I have owned a business and I have been the grunt, I have been blessed and felt cursed, I have know the sting of poverty and the feeling of wealth, I have watched loved ones die, I have been honored and I have been humiliated, I have been proud and I have been ashamed, I have graduated and I have dropped out. I have casted vision and been lost.

I HAVE LIVED!

I have another 50 years to do so. Not only have I lived, I will live, I will thrive. I say to fate, God, chance or whatever, if this is what life is, I'll take all of it I can get! Bring on the good and the bad. All of it is life, the fabric of my vibrant existence.

Perspective is a powerful thing. We each must choose who we are going to be, our relationship to this world we are in. Am I divorced? Yes. Is it tragic? Yes. Those facts simply do not encompass my story, where I have been, or who I am. Do not let your abandonment/divorce skew your perspective on life or more importantly, on yourself.

The sun will rise tomorrow, you can survive. You can even thrive.

JDM

In the Downpour

2008-06-24T02:45:31-05:00

John Mattox

New Day New Dawn

2008-06-23T19:52:19-05:00

New Day New Dawn

New day, new dawn light takes shape
come reveal decisions we make
Will two or one light make real
Love and family death does steal

Small deaths, new life each day brings
to this living beating thing
In pain and hope my heart breaks
with yearning and sorrow I do wait

Youthful vows we did break
So much did infidelity take
Cannot he who conquered the grave
this love of ours fully save

His solid goodness, my shaky trust
to use as little pain as he must
To make us whole, to breath new life
to bring living union to husband and wife

Faith hope and love these remain
established through our pain
Becoming one two no more
well live a love that keeps no score

Living hearts two as one
depending daily on the Son
Learning more, forgiving longer
everyday becoming stronger

Growing old together, chairs to the west
having survived these days of angst and test
Daily in his hand and through his might
well reach green grass currently out of sight

Then one day as dawn breaks
the beauty, our breath, it will take
Our love anew, never stronger
pain and regret remembered no longer

JDM

Be kind its my first :)