Black Female Interracial Marriage™

Flashpost: Whitney Houston: May She Rest - BW Must Learn a New Way

2012-02-12T05:42:44-08:00

February 13, 2012--I wrote the post below yesterday morning as a tribute to Whitney Houston who left too soon, who without a doubt didn't get the type of support she needed or the right guidance at critical times in her life. Or maybe, she didn't pay attention to it?

Thanks, S, for this VIDEO of Kevin Costner (Whitney's Co-Star in "The Bodyguard") speaking in a 2009 interview about the interracial aspect of the movie, where he says that the chemistry between him and Whitney was that of 'just a man and a woman.'

Anyway, here's the rivetingly gifted and beyond-beautiful Jennifer Hudson doing a tribute to Whitney last night at the Grammy Awards.

And this morning, I had wanted to just go on and post more pics and continue with what I do here, business as usual at the Ezine, however, I'm not going to do that. Whitney's death was not a 24-hour bug that I will conveniently file away in one day. Her life capsulizes what the bulk of my posts are about--enabling bw to realize the tremendous power and control we each exercise over our lives, through our choices--romantic and otherwise.

I have a first cousin whose life was similar to Whitney's life in glaring ways. No, not with the glamor and glitz lifestyle, of course, and my cousin didn't die, but whenever I look at her, I see the remains after she married and lived the best years of her life dealing with a DBR man. Whenever I look at her now, I remember the promise of her youth, her laughter, her ambition, warmth and beauty, her excessive generosity, etc.--that all was exploited or went down the drain when she met her DBR man, at 17.

Yes, it's true, as others say, that these women are adults who had/have lots of choices, but they are PROGRAMMED to only choose a man from behind door A, B, or C. Practically ALL of their choices are --as MB says in her comment at the bottom--"forced choices." What the black community (made up of bm and yes numerous bw who have also made these same 'forced choices') does NOT tell these women is that behind each of those doors is the SAME man. It's a common magician's trick that the bulk of AA women still haven't figured out.

Thank you for that term, MB: "forced choices." It describes so perfectly the lives of MOST AA women I've ever known. And after they cave in and make these Hobson (a free choice in which only one actual option is offered) choices, they spend the rest of their lives under pressure, trying to cope with them. This is where the overwhelming portion of the stress comes from in the AA woman's life: Trying to cope with 'forced choices' on a daily basis.

Her body knows that the choice is not in sync with her well-being, even though most black people in her environment will salute her for "keepin it real." However, we cannot fool the universe. Our bodies come from the universe. Our bodies know instinctinvely, intuitively what's not good for us. So stress is the body's way of reminding these women that those are harmful choices. Stress is the body's way of fighting back. But these women then frantically engage in behavior to mute the reminder, minimize the stress, but any stress minimizer is temporary, and over time, it will take more and more to keep it under control.

What's needed is to eliminate the source of the stress--to become keenly aware of the process of others imposing these choices and not allow the forced choices in the first place.

My cousin never fully grasped most of this, but she did manage to get away from him, or maybe he decided to look for greener pastures. I dunno. I've never asked her what happened to him; I'm just so happy that he's disappeared.

So . . . . Darren and I are leaving for the City late this afternoon, to celebrate Valentine's Day.

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February 12, 2012--Yes, Whitney is gone from this plane, but she will live on forever in many of our minds and hearts--across the globe. OMG! I've rarely ever cried about the death of any star before, but I've haven't been able to stop crying about Whitney's death.

I used to listen to her cds on my way to work each morning and her voice always took me to another place! Her voice was such a rare instrument--from that other place. By the time, I'd reach work, I'd be fortified and would always be on a higher plane--no matter what kind of maladjusted or pathological youths or adults I had to deal with that day.

I've known some personally and known of many more AA women over the years like her--loving, giving, gifted in various ways, having the joy of their own life drained from them, seeking but not finding. And as they suffocate, they look for relief, for an escape via the way they've been programmed because nothing exists for them outside the program. They can't imagine any other kind of life. I repeat: they always look for relief, an escape through the ways they've been programmed:--food, drugs, MMMSSS behavior and/or they take what they consider to be the higher road: organized religion, which usually only leads to more food, addiction of another sort, and more MMMSSS behavior for many of them. A toxic way to live.

If young AA and similar black women are not presented with any other alternative and at a young age, I guarantee that many more will follow this same path because what goes in must come out. A self-destruction program will virtually always produce self-destruction. This should not surprise anyone.

If only Whitney could have found a QLL partner/man, but as an AA woman, she was indoctrinated or programmed not to turn her back on DBR men, to 'give them a chance' and to crave the type of man with "swag-ugh".

And naturally, the black community criticized her when her music "crossed over" to appeal to a wider or global audience. They harshly accused her of "forgetting where she came from" or not singing like a "BLACK" woman should. They tried to yank her "black woman card." This is a typical experience for any AA woman who escapes the grip of even one of the black community's tentacles.

Practically, any man in the global village would have loved to love, cherish, and adore Whitney, but many say she chose a DBR man and allowed him to remain in her life, in order to PROVE she was a 'keepin' it real BLACK woman' and get her "black woman card" back.

Why? This is the 'suicide bomber' aspect of the AA woman's indoctrination. Many AA women are programmed to die trying to hang onto their "black woman card." This programming starts at a very early age. It was tried with me. So this is typical. There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of AA women suicide bombers out there, this morning, of all ages.

It struck me that you may consider what I'm saying to be melodramatic, but that doesn't mean it's not true. It IS happening--much more often than not.

None of us is flawless. At the same time, we all have gifts. The beauty of a QLL man in a bw's life is that his presence will enable her to build on her gifts of all types--to soar, with only a minimum of obstruction, if any. He will support, promote, defend, and protect her doing that. That's LOVE in action. That's what a man does. That's his value to a woman. However, the DBR man will tap into her flaws and reinforce and compound them, for his own benefit--not because he wants to do it. He does it because he's damaged beyond repair.

Let's learn a lesson from Whitney's life. Let's remember her too for all the joy her voice gave us, through the years. But now---May she rest.

_____________________________________________

Thanks, E., for this note. I think that we've summed it up.

Hi, Evia.

I am just so sad to hear about the passing of Whitney Houston. Whitney, in her heyday, was beloved by America. All sorts of people sang her songs, bought her records (she sold millions), and went to her shows. I remember being a girl when Whitney married Bobby Brown. All I could think as I watched her on Oprah was WHAT?

Whitney could have married a prince, a sultan, a CEO, a Nobel Prize winner and she, of the pedigree, talent, and beauty chose to marry and mate with Bobby Brown. She never recovered personally or professionally from that. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but let that be a lesson to young women everywhere. Who you choose as spouse is of utmost importance.

I am sure Clive Davis is still puzzled why his protege, who I am sure Clive would have hooked up with a hotshot agent or exec, gravitated to a man with the manners and status of Bobby Brown. Why would a woman with the access to the quality of men that Whitney had choose a dreg of a man with oow children all over? Puzzling to say the least.

-E

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MM sent in these insightful comments about Whitney's too-short, turbulent life.

Oh Jesus!! Your post Evia, was so poignant and so correct. Her life’s example is the absolute glitterized blue print of the suicide bomber aspect that you pointed to within this Black community.

I am pointing to the key direction that Whitney took when her life began to spiral straight down. Dating and then marrying Bobby Brown. Period.

. . . there were droves and droves of Black woman that talked endlessly about how “they always knew Whitney was ghetto..and it just came to light so to speak when she got with Bobby”..these are exact quotes of what I heard for many years within the black woman hair shops, church meetings etc. But the truth is much deeper than that.

The truth is exactly as you have so surgically pointed out – the black community suffers from a form of psychosis..this psychosis is so prevalent that even a worldwide super star would want to take on the suicide bomber mission of marrying down with a man who was well known to have oow children, a carousing loud mouth, a man who obviously was not honed in the finer things in life as she had been. It is almost “textbook” if you look at it..there was Clive Davis ( mega producer to the stars with the midas touch) who personally – personally saw to it that she received the best PR, makeup, song coaches ( for a natural gift ) ..Clive watched her mother (Cissy)’s career take off. I mean it is almost beyond me when I sit back and think about ALL the connections this woman Whitney had access to. I mean gosh, she literally stepped into a musical heritage, connections, history...every –damn – thing...and threw it away for a DBR man!!!!!

And yet – she threw it ALLLLLL away just to claim as you said so aptly – her BLACK woman card. When that happened and I saw the taped footage of her running from that limo to pick Bobby up from one of his many prison stints – I was D-O-N-E !!! I loved her voice, her talent ..but even back then I never understood how she could step over all that she had for Bobby Brown!!

But as you said – having a loving QLL man will bring soooo many positive things into your life, until they are almost too many to number. Peace of mind, loving kind affection, protection, fiduciary integrity, wealth accumulation..oh my god so many things!!

I am saddened that Whitney has passed, that voice will live on in her CD’s movies and more. I am shuddering as I think of the legal battle that is going to erupt now amongst her family!!

And lo and behold it seems from what I have read, Bobbi Kristina seems destined – unfortunately – to follow in that same suicide bomber tradition. Maybe just maybe she will now have the opportunity and clarity of thought in the years to come to align herself with a man from the global village.
MM

Thanks, MM, and I'm beyond sad to hear that her daughter is lined up for a similar path??? OMG--say it's not so! We can certainly hope the best for the daughter, but without a concrete intervention, a ball rolling down a hill will continue to roll on down.

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A note from MB about Whitney. Thanks, MB!

Thank you for that beautiful piece on Whitney...I cried too when I heard last night...you really summed it up. Whitney caved in and made choices which pleased the crabs in a barrel black underclass..as opposed to mating with a man who would allow her to shine while nurturing her as a woman...Whitney Houston could have had ANY wonderful man she wanted...I always remember Robert Deniro really wanted to take her out..but she would have NONE of it..(lest the crabs in the barrel be displeased and take her GHETTO card away..Mind you, this lady comes from (came from) very middle class origins..I remember being very young and looking up to her when she was a teen model in 17 magazine..before her singing days...)...

Anyway..that was a beautiful piece...Whitney, Michael Jackson...HUGE losses...but you really hit the underbellly of the issue..I also think it was not just about the drugs..it was about the person she thought she had to be and how she coped with those likely forced choices... Am I absolutely sure about that? No, of course not. But it seems more than likely when you look at her life against the whole warped DBR black "community".. (hard to use the word community because that is supposed to be a positive word..images of camaraderie, sharing, helping and pulling together..that is the opposite of the DBR "community"...it's about pulling people down or keeping them tethered to nothing... Again, Thank you for your lovely tribute.

Best,

Yes, MB, I totally agree with you about using black next to the word 'community,' at least in the U.S. That really is a misnomer because it causes a total corruption of the meaning of the word: community.

The black+community is an illusion. It does not exist anymore, and I defy anyone to prove to me that it does. However, I used that term above in my post from the perspective of many non-blacks. Also, I think that most likely, AAs (like Whitney) think that the black 'community' exists, so they contort themselves trying to please it and be a part of it, which means they try hard to be a part of an illusion.

So, yes, I agree with you. I certainly think that she felt lots of pressure to be the type of person who other black people thought she should be, or a STEREOTYPE, and like you said, she then had to figure out a way to COPE with those forced choices.

The fact is that the overwhelming most card-carrying AA/BLACK people think that ALL truly BLACK people are supposed to talk, walk, eat, tell jokes--all in the same way, as well as like the same movies, like the same foods, like the same clothes, drive the same type of cars/vehicles, participate in the same activities, live only around other blacks, date and marry other blacks only, vote the same way, like the same styles, listen to the same type music, belong to the same religious denominations, etc. For ex., many AA women are overweight because they believe that bw are supposed to be able to carry more weight. At times in my adult life that I've been thin, I've been accused of trying to NOT look like a bw, and some AA women who don't have big behinds, for ex., actually feel less attractive and inferior to other bw who do have large proportions. This is stereotyping. AAs do this--NOT whites.

This is an IDENTITY issue because many AAs do not know who they are. They accepted and STILL accept the identity that was slapped on them by racist whites, and now these black folks are perpetually confused about who or what they are. They should just define themselves. This is the main reason why I defined my own self many years ago (as PAB), and I don't care whether other people like it or accept it. I know who I am and that's what's important to me.

The supreme irony is that so many AAs constantly complain about whites stereotyping blacks, but AAs are the BIGGEST stereotypers of other blacks, by far. And I notice that AAs actually spend a lot of effort trying to force other AAs to conform to these stereotypes. This is a big issue among AAs! Thinking that we all do or should do things the same is STEREOTYPING, however, I hear AAs constantly doing this. That's stereotyping ALL of us because we are INDIVIDUALS and individuals ARE different, which means we're not all the same, in ANY way. DUH!

BWIIR&M SLICE: A Valentine Engagement! More Pics and Notes

2012-02-10T06:39:52-08:00

Laykeisha and Adam Lind (Toronto 'Blue Jays" professional baseball star)

Pics from WeddingsNouveau.com

I presented a pic of these two before, but here they are again on the day of their nuptials (Nov. 2010)

According to the article in the newspaper about how they met, Laykeisha from Toronto, Canada spotted Adam sitting all alone in a Toronto restaurant one night and knew he was an out-of-towner (an American). So she politely offered to show him around town before he left town. He took her up on the offer. And that's how they met. Here's an ARTICLE about them.

It's just that simple. Something about him appealed to her. So she decided to be friendly--just one human being to another. I'm sure she was cautious as we all should be with strange men or women, but she took a chance. It just goes to show that it's amazing what we can get if we direct our thoughts and behavior to just ask for it--in the right way, of course.

It turns out that he was in town to sign a multi-million dollar contract with the Toronto Blue Jays. LOL!

__________________________________________________

Anyway, a woman I know called me last night to give me her GOOD news! Her guy proposed!!

She said she was not feeling well, been sick and all, and was certainly not looking her best when he pulled out the ring, an inherited family heirloom! She said he must have thought she was a dunce because it took her a few moments to figure out what he was asking her. LOL! She said she's still in a daze. So, this is happening more and more these days--one black woman at a time.

So, on any given day, lots of bw are getting the ring from their one special QLL man in the global village. Many of us now know at least one bw who's married to an other-race man and some of us know several of these couples.

Re being in a daze, I can recall being in a daze too, but not when I received proposals of marriage. Instead, my dazed days were on my wedding day(s). Those days are still unreal to me. LOL! Surprisingly, both guys were very calm, though I expected them to run away at the last minute. I think now that I was projecting my own turmoil on them because I was the one who swore when I was about 12 that I would never marry.

Tsk! Tsk! This is why one should 'never say never.'

Anyway, I'm super thrilled about this proposal because I had strongly encouraged her to sign up with online dating sites at the beginning of last year since she told me at that time that she wanted to meet a QLL man. I told her that I've known a bunch of bw who've met their QLL man in that way, so she didn't have anything to lose.

I asked her last night about her general experiences as an online dater. I like to keep myself up-to-date with fresh information about what's actually going in the mating world. She told me that honestly, if she hadn't been working on a project at home and had time to pursue that avenue of dating, she would not have had the time to do it. She said that time is needed to correspond, read between the lines, and yes, to screen out many men on the sites.

Well, we all know that persistence almost always pays off, that is if you persist at doing things in a productive way.

For ex., she said, right away, she began to meet the usual assortment of game players, scammers, sex hunters, liars, men who can't spell and can't write, men who want a woman who is gorgeous to the max, works, and makes a high salary, has no children, etc. and that usually these were the same men who can't spell and can't write. LOL! She said some men pretended to be younger, taller, and have more hair than they actually have, and of course, some of them pretend to be wealthy CEOs or other businessmen but asked her for a loan. She said she had to take her time and read between the lines and recognize when things weren't adding up.

Ruth Konchellah and Michael Ranneberger (Ambassador to Kenya)

Thanks for the pic, JS!

I pointed out to her that those guys sound much like the usual suspects that a woman would meet offline too. There's no difference. We all need to take our time and read between the lines and VET any new person who we allow into our lives.

Yet, I've heard some women try to make the case that there are more insincere men online than off. Nope and Yep. There are more of them in number to encounter in a short span of time online since it's easy to turn on your computer and encounter hundreds of men in one night online, but the types and ratio are the same.

Insincere people have always been with us. Nothing has changed. But why do SOME people think that the quality of people offline is higher than among the ones they'd encounter online????? That's simply wishful thinking or a myth. All of these people online are men and women who are from the same pool of people who we mingle with every day. They're the same people.

However, online you're fishing in the ocean versus the puddle in your backyard, so you'll simply encounter MORE fish of EVERY type. Here's the thing about that: Since you will also encounter MORE QLL men online, you'll also find it easier to find a compatible QLL man online. Remember that you will also encounter many more QLL men online in a much shorter span of time--just as you would be encountering more insincere ones.

I am convinced that offline, neither men nor women do nearly enough screening. When the typical person of either gender meets someone offline, they tend to become attracted to their own version of the person--NOT the actual person standing in front of them. If you're very lonely or strongly physically attracted (lust) to the person you meet offline, you will tend to ignore the red flags and either omit the vetting phase or drastically shorten it or change it. Changing it usually involves altering your vetting criteria and technique to fit this person who you're strongly attracted to. LOL! MANY men and women do this, to their detriment. This is the MAIN reason why many relationships fail. Practically all relationships fail due to shabby vetting or no vetting.

In the first two months after you meet a person, you are very rarely seeing who you're getting. That takes time and VETTING to find out who you're getting. Sometimes, however you will actually get more of a good thing than was apparent at first meeting, but many times, people are greatly disappointed and this has a lot to do with people wanting mates who are copies or versions of copies of who they see in 'popular culture' or the media.

Anyway, this woman said that just when she was about to cancel her membership, she met her fiance, a professional wm, and they began a relationship that became progressively more and more serious over time. After about 3 months, they became an inseparable couple, spending more and more time with each other and with each others' family and friends.

So, now almost a year later, he asked her to be his wife, and she, of course, said yes. She told me that this guy is SO excited about the wedding until he's making all kinds of detailed plans like a teenager!

They are both in the same age range as me. They've both been in relationships/marriages before, and they're both professionals. And just like me and Darren, they live in adjacent states. So, she will move to his home in his state.

Being a bw who has taken care of herself, she has aged well, looks youthful, and has her own personal style of dressing. She's not a fashionista and has her own style. She has a very pleasant, positive, upbeat personality, and spends her down time infusing quality into her life in various ways. I love talking with her. As a matter of fact, she called me last night around 10:30 p.m. to give me the news and we were on the phone until 2 a.m. this morning.

And I had to jump up at 7 to get things moving here. Sooooo, I'm sleepy. Darren's out of town, so I'll get in bed early tonight, and pass out. LOL!

Anyway, she has dated men of other races and ethnicities and is a well-developed woman in a very well-rounded way.

I was thinking about how he must view her. Well, she's a quality, engaging woman, so he saw that, just like I do.

It just goes to show that there are plenty of women and men of all ages seeking each other out there. And like most of us who are average looking, these 2 people don't look like movie stars. Well, even movie stars don't look like movie stars in person.

Don't y'all find it mindboggling how so many people are bowled over and affected to the very core of their being by the various images in the media of 'stars? I mean, there are so many women who try to look like the women they see in the media, when these women in the media like Rihanna, Kim Kardashian, and the rest of them are FABRICATIONS. I'm sure that some men model themselves after male star fabrications too.

These media fabrications or the glitterati are CONSTRUCTED by lots of highly talented people who have lots of skill and are are paid extremely well to keep the fabrications walking, talking, dressing in ways to make the viewers think they're who they present themselves to be IN ORDER TO mainly to make tons of money for advertisers who pay huge amounts to keep the fabrications there for y'all to watch, so that they can persuade you to buy their products. That's all. It's all about that ole $$$$$$$ trail.

I talked a lot to my sons about the connection between fabrications, constructions and $$$$$$$$$$ when they were younger, so by now, they're very adept at dissecting those fabrications and constructions--whether female or male. I considered this to be a vital part of rearing them because once you realize that you're being bombarded by mere fabrications and constructions, you will only be minimally affected by them. It's the difference between looking at a lifesized cardboard picture of a person and looking at an actual real person. Many adults these days don't know the difference between the two!!

And speaking of what's on TV, here's a note from MP about the new upcoming series on ABC starrring Kerry Washington called SCANDAL that we all should watch, or at least check out. SUPPORT! SUPPORT! Let's spread the word about this show early. MP said:

Evia,

I wanted to send you a quick note about a new show called "Scandal" starring Kerry Washington on ABC. It's a political insider drama series that takes place in Washington DC. It's getting a bit of buzz right now since it's starring Washington as the LEAD lady of the show- the only black woman to have that lead title in a VERY long time on such a widely distributed public channel . . . .

Anyhow, Kerry will play a powerful insider in Washington whose the town's "fixer" to the president and other big wigs on Washington. The supporting cast is all white with the exception of Colombus Short being the only other AA/person of colour on the show. Also Shondra Rhimes is directing the show, and given her track record of making BW appear respectable, attractive and femine on the big screen, I KNOW she will portray Washington in the best light possible.

The show premieres on April 5 and it's VERY important that black women show up and support this. Since it's premiering as a late "spring show", it's imperative to support the show for ratings early. When networks premeire shows in the late spring, they do this test the waters/ratings to see whether the show should be renewed for the fall line up. Actually, I've noticed that ABC did this with both of Shondra Rhimes shows- Gray's Anatomy and Private Practice. Both shows premiered as late spring shows, BUT had VERY high ratings, therefore they were picked up and brought into the fall primetime line up. All in all, I think this show has a really good chance of succeeding given the balanced cast and Rhimes directing it. Please check out the link and tell your viewers if you feel this is something worth supporting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kju0TD2JnRU
http://abc.go.com/shows/scandal/buzz/779926

Well, MP, Thanks for this. I HOPE that Shondra Rhimes presents the character that Kerry plays in a way that uplifts and affirms not only the beauty of bw, but also their desirability as long term mates. A long view needs to be taken here in these various creative projects. Art forms can be greatly used to alter reality and we've seen how various groups of women, via the way they're presented in the media, have scored bigtime in this regard.

There is no group of women who is that far ahead or that far behind any other group of women in terms of ACTUAL beauty and desirability--if this were based on which women can bring the best set of fulfilling relationship components to a man's table. In some cultures, a woman's beauty and desirability are based on whether she has qualities and traits that promote marriage and family relationship success. There is no such thing as a beautiful woman who doesn't have those specific qualities and traits--in those cultures.

The notion of beauty and the desire for certain women in this society has been manufactured (constructions, again) and this is why many relationships--even with some of the women who are deemed the most beautiful and desirable--are not fulfilling and/or don't last. For ex., Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, and Elin Woods were all cheated on by their husbands. I'm NOT blaming these women for their husbands infidelities. NOT at all. But how could that happen IF beauty--even manufactured beauty--is really important to a relationship's success?? After all, those women are considered GREATLY more beautiful and desirable than the rest of us average women.

This is exactly why women should not be envious of other women's looks--for the simple reason that looks have nothing to do with qualities and traits that spell relationship success or happiness/fulfillment in life. A woman can be "beautiful" and have those traits, but having the traits has nothing to do with her beauty. The same goes for a man, meaning the qualities and traits that render a man a long term QLL man have nothing to do with his looks. When the two exist together, it's just pure coincidence.

The bottom line is that good looks (however this is defined in western societies, for sure) do NOT cause or equate to good character. These two have NOTHING to do with each other. But many, many adults in today's western societies equate the two!!! So, do NOT choose a mate based mainly on their looks and then get angry when you find out they don't have good character--because these two have never had any direct connection. And it's mainly good CHARACTER that renders a man or woman to be a quality mate.

It's mostly very young, very underexposed, shallow, insecure, programmed, and/or IMO less intelligent people who are on the hunt for ONLY those who are considered "good looking" or gorgeous as mates--since most people are average looking.

However, if you're a woman attuned to the media for long, these days,chances are that you will be programmed to think that if you don't look like Rihanna or Kim Kardashian or similar, then there's little hope of ever finding love and relationship success.

So we must be SHREWD in our viewing and support choices. It's NOT enough to just have bw writing and creating roles for bw because some bw are bm-identified, are clueless, lack critical awareneness (due to lack of critical thinking skills), and/or don't have enough self esteem to like or appreciate other bw or themselves. Some of the idiotic commentary surrounding whether to support or not support 'Red Tails' proves that beyond any doubt.

So positive image builders of bw--whether writers, directors, etc.--don't necessarily have to be black but if they are black women, just being black is not nearly enough. Critical awareness and deep appreciation for bw are the key factors these people must have. And did I say "critical awareness"? LOL! In order for the image of bw to change, these creative people must THINK in a certain way and know the supreme importance of presenting uplifting images of bw for the short and long term.

And here's another note that's in this same vein--from MM.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/08/roland-martin-suspended-cnn-super-bowl_n_1263276.html?ref=media;

Evia,

Above is a link to a story that has been brewing for a little while. I think it is yet another example of what you have so clearly pointed out time and time again. The gay and lesbians have a “power” base from which to pull and they have BANDED together and wield considerable power. They DO NOT in any way allow others to dump on them, take them apart, or do any thing without being taken to the woodshed so to speak.

A little backstory to the link – it seems that Roland made a tweet about “knocking the ish out of any man who would show up to a Super Bowl party to see David Beckham’s newest underwear ad”. And the gays unleased upon this tweet...the internet was all a flutter and the rest is – Roland is now suspended from CNN. And , yet bw cannot seem to “get” the fact that yes something as “simple” as a movie being released to a world wide audience that ERASES us needs to be fought against.

And the clear example that you pointed out about the women voters of Florida showing Newt the door was a great teaching tool as well.

Thank YOU MM! Thank goodness that some bw can connect the dots! Intelligent people in other groups are willing to do practically anything to promote and protect the positive perceptions of their group's image and will defend their group's image from violators. There are a bunch of us who are trying to get this simple message across to bw--to support those who support, promote, and protect you and your interests, and pox on those who don't.

At the very least, never cooperate in your own denigration or erasure. And if there was any time that AA women and similar bw couldn't afford to do that, it's now. Aretha Franklin's most famous song was R-E-S-P-E-C-T at the individual level (including between-genders level) and if this were a priority among bw, it would even easily transfer to the between-group level. Well, I hope another bw makes a song these days about

R-E-C-I-P-R-O-C-I-T-Y.

Or, did Lauryn Hill already do that song??????

Reciprocity is a natural law in nature. All plants and animals (which includes humans) are governed by that law, but among lower animals and plants, they are all programmed to reciprocate and those rebel animals and plants who go against that law usually perish or they evolve into a new strain.

Okay . . . . I think I'll go for a walk. I've been walking a lot lately here on the grounds at the farm. It's hilly in some places, but that's good for my cardiovascular system, isn't it? That's a big advantage to living in a place where there's lots of land, no cars and no people. Privacy. I can walk out here and not be concerned how I'm dressed because I know I won't meet anyone on my walk. I usually either listen to a story or music on my iPod or I talk on the phone during my walk. So, I'll bundle up and get out early today since I know I'll be sleepy later. Besides, it's a beautiful and sunny, but cold day here.

BWIIM&R SLICE: Evia and Darren's VALENTINE Story - More Pics, Notes, Articles re Lovers

2012-02-05T09:18:37-08:00

More lovers celebrating VALENTINE'S DAY!

Tnnniiii

Thanks for this 'Archie and Valerie dating' ARTICLE LINK, E.

Thanks for the 'Archie and Valerie Married with child' (LOL!), ARTICLE LINK, Lorraine & E.

Thanks, KR for initially tipping me off about this pic used in a SOUTH AFRICAN organization's ad campaign and Thanks E. for sending in this ARTICLE LINK about the ensuing controversy. (sigh)

I salute this organization for not backing down. They are SO ahead of the rest of the human race. If this had been a pic of people carrying guns to slaughter each other, no one would say anything much, but two people embracing has made some people livid. SMH

My whole site is devoted to more men embracing the beauty and value of black women as mates and urging black women to vigorously take advantage of more of their options in the global village of QLL men.

Find a way to SUPPORT this organization, y'all. Find a way. At the very least, write to them and let them know that we appreciate them to the max. Remember that without SUPPORT, anything can and most likely will wither or collapse, so be resourceful and find a way to SUPPORT this organization.

In other words, ALWAYS find a way to support those who support you.

_____________________________________

Thanks, E, also for this article that relates to BWIR from the most high-profile, wm anti-racialism advocate, TIM WISE entitled: What is Post Racial? Reflections on Denial and Reality

However, despite the fact that bw in America don't live in a post-racial society, bw STILL have numerous opportunites for MARRIAGE and living well in a marital relationship with a QLL man who may happen to be white or non-black. This is just a fact--because I and many other ordinary and average AA women are already living this life and we met our QLL husbands right here in this country.

The MAIN reason why many more upwardly mobile, reasonably attractive bw in this country don't marry out is because those women are still in the bw-full-of-FEAR-BOX. I know many of you will disagree with that and say you're totally open and receptive to wm or other non-black men, but I can tell from the notes you write me that you are still in that bw's box of fear.

You will ask how to get out of the box, but even when you're told--in great detail--you will find all kinds of reasons why you JUST CAN'T get out! LOL! Yet, y'all keep asking me how to get out!

I get notes every day from bw in their twenties and early thirties asking me this SAME question or for help in getting out of the box. I've answered this question MANY times in the past 5-1/2 years I've blogged, so I know these women are not actually asking the question that they appear to be asking. LOL! It would be understandable if they were in their 70s and 80s. Even some bw in their 60s and 70s are able to secure a relationship with a QLL mate of another race, if that's what they want, so how is it that so many well-educated, twentyish or thirtyish bw 'just can't' do it. I think it's time to zero in on this. I will touch on it here, but I'm not going to get to the heart of it publicly because I don't believe in airing everything or blabbing.

I think that some of you bw in the box think that you may be rejected or that a wm will think this or that unsavory way about you if you assert yourself and show your interest towards them the way, let's say, some ww or other non-black women assert themselves towards men of other groups. But the fact is, it's NOT what you do; it's HOW you do it.

Also, from MY viewpoint, you don't have anything to lose--at this point--because you are already EMPTYHANDED. So, as long as you're reasonably cautious, look out for your self-interests and protection 'first and foremost' and VET all men, what exactly do you have to lose? The worst that could happen is that you'd end up emptyhanded, but that's where you are now anyway.

This is just my view and the way I look at it. I've talked about how sometimes, SOME bw let fear get in the way, so I'll use myself and show how I side-stepped fear.

Evia and Darren's VALENTINE Story (how we became a couple)

I've said many times here that after my ex husband and I got divorced, I decided after a short while that I wanted to re-marry because I enjoy being married.

After Darren approached or showed his interest in me, I found after we'd dated a couple of times that he was very intelligent, reliable (always called or arrived punctually), romantic and gentlemanly in his behavior towards me, a man of arts, literature, and culture (he had season tickets to plays and other arts events and museum membership, thousands of books and is a voracious reader, has an extensive ecletic music collection, etc.), yet works in an area that requires logic and advanced mathematics which he loves and which affords him quite a bit of leisure time, well-traveled (has visited and/or lived on most continents), well-educated, and he was physically appealing. I've listed these initial qualities and traits in the order of their importance to me because, for ex., if a man is not intelligent, I'm not interested in anything else he may bring the table. LOL! That's just me. Darren exudes intelligence, without making the effort.

At that early point, I didn't know that he is also kind, witty, very easy-going, egalitarian, always soft-spoken, can build and fix things with the best of them, can cook incredibly well, collects artistic ceramic pieces and T-shirts from far off places, is financially comfortable, and last but definitely not least, is a skilled lover. But I didn't know ANY of this early on.

But he showed enough of himself early on for a woman like me to go for the bait.

He happens to be very good at what he does (occupation-wise) and enjoys it, so I knew he could easily find a job anywhere in the world--if he lost his current job.

Also, he'd dated various races and etnhicities of women. I was definitely not the first black woman in his life, but the fact is that there are probably many of you bw reading this who would not have liked him because he very definitely doesn't have "swag," is soft-spoken, and is not outwardly aggressive. He has never tried to behave like a bm; he's confident in who he is, as a wm, and would not be interested in a bw or any woman who prefers for him to look or behave other than he does.

On our third date, he let me know in no uncertain terms, that he wanted a possibly long-term relationship with me. I found out that he came from an area in an adjacent state that is VERY white and VERY politically (and socially) conservative. This particular area has a tiny AA, mostly socially disadvantaged population, so naturally, other AAs from my area told me that the KKK operates in this area and "Girl, we may not ever see you again!"

Very early, Darren and I discussed where we would live IF the relationship jelled and IF we were to get married. He told me that he wanted to live here on his homestead because he owned a home and property here and loves living out here. We even discussed, at that early point, where we would possibly live when we retired and he told me that of course, we could travel to other places, but he wanted to live on his homestead when he retired. That made lots of sense, since he owns the property and there's plenty of land and privacy here.

I hadn't lived around more than a sprinkling of AAs as an adult since I'd lived in the Nigerian milieu from right after college, but I was quiite turned off with what I'd learned of many aspects of AA female life from AA girlfriends and associates at work. I'd seen that the overwhelming most of the AA women I'd encountered, including 90% of my AA female cousins ( of the 12 of them down south) were not doing well. They were all in MMMSSS mode to a greater or lesser extent, so I couldn't see how living more around them or among them or other AAs would be any better for me personally than being around possibly hostile whites. I knew that l would not mesh with people who expected me to function in MMMSSS mode since there is no protection and virtually no RECIPROCITY. I would have been stressed to the max, every day, all day long--breathing but not living.

So I thought about all of that. Yes, at the most extreme, the KKK could run me off the road (and a black note-writer wrote and warned me recently that the KKK still might get me--LOL!), but living among AAs in MMMSSS mode would also suffocate, strangle, and work me to death and without RECIPROCITY. That would kill me too and I knew I'd be among the walking dead like so many AA women are. And, it wouldn't be a quick death. So, I didn't see where I had anything to lose by accepting Darren's offer to share his life with him in this VERY white, VERY politically conservative community.

After these years of living here, I have to point out that I have been treated very well throughout my time in this community. I have experienced a couple of awkward incidents--once with an elderly white man at the county park here and once with a couple of white teenagers (a male and female couple). However, the other 99.999999% of the time, the whites have been outwardly friendly. Yes, they may hate me, but they pretend quite well not to, so I'm just fine with that.

Now, raise your hand if you think that I could have lived this incident-free, this stress-free in a predominantly black community, and if your hand is up, I really would like to sell you the Golden Gate Bridge for $199.00. Just put the money in my tip jar and I'll send each of you the deed. LOL!

Anyway, later on in our relationship, I found out that Darren has a small apartment in the nicest part of the City. Actually, when the President and Michelle come to the City, they can look out of their hotel window (if they're on that side) and see me coming out of our apartment building. LOL! That's such an ideal location in the City! So, if we want to go into the City, we can go in and stay comfortably for a few days or for however long we want in our own apartment. We also own property in an area that's in reasonable driving distance to a popular beach area.

My point in sharing our Valentine story is that if I'd been like many typical fearful AA women, I'd most likely be among that 70% of unpartnered AA women or in a less-than situation of some sort. Darren is, of course, not perfect but he met all of my most important criteria and has also brought to my table various other wonderful traits and qualities that weren't even on my criteria list.

If a QLL man meets a woman's MOST important criteria, then a mature woman knows that she can work out the rest. A mature, QLL compatible man who recognizes you as a desirable woman is willing to bend to satisfy a woman's needs.

(I'm not talking about a lot of really young men, under-developed men, unrealistic men who overrate themselves, and obviously not the selfish, deceptive men out there who pretend they're QLLs, DBRs, etc.)

Yes, Darren and I had our arguments at first, during our adjustment period. We had a "process" for our arguments/disagreements. We didn't just "go off" at each other because we both knew the destructiveness of that. I knew that even during my first marriage. We both knew not to ever use certain words--even in anger--since those words can't ever be taken back. We BOTH equally invested in the "success" of the relationship, which means that we know we can't always get our own way, and that it's a win-win for both of us as a COUPLE, if we compromise. So, we negotiate with each other. We equally want the other to be satisfied. I wouldn't take advantage of him, even if I could and he's the same with me.

And what's really just super wonderful about Darren is that he TOTALLY supports and upholds the right of women to be treated as full fledged human beings--in entirety. He's much more of a feminist than many, many women. He would be repulsed by a woman who thinks that 'a woman should OBEY her husband' or that 'the man is the HEAD.' YUK! He's a TRUE Christian man. In other words, he doesn't believe on any level that women exist to serve men or are here mainly to make a man happy. Whereas some men will claim that they believe that too, if you dig a little, you will find that many men believe that a woman should give way to a man's interests and happiness.

This is all so comforting because sometimes when I'm not looking at something from the long-range viewpoint of protecting my self-interests, Darren will point this out. He doesn't try to "get over" on me. This is a valuable form of protection for me! It's also a by-product of his intelligence because an intelligent man knows that he's not going to be happy or content for long if he's in a relationship with an unhappy woman (mule or mammy). It's also the main reason why I try to make him happy; I know that if he's content/happy, he will reciprocate.

I received a note from a woman earlier today, after I'd written this post. She said:

Evia,

I like the ‘how we met’ story about you and Darren but, I’d like to know how he initially showed his interest. One thing that black women tend to struggle with is how SOME white men display their initial interest in you. You know, the flirting stage. How did you initially respond to his flirting is also helpful. Tell us more! LOL!

Ah! I see you didn't read my BOOK 2. LOL! I described in the comments to one of the essays how we met.

I had met up with a friend and her guy for a show in the City. Darren asked to share our table since it was very crowded there.

To sum it up, he showed his interest by sitting there talking to me and looking pointedly at me at the table we shared at this musical venue. We were both unpartnered. I was chatty because I find it easy to chat with others, if I feel like it and if the other person can hold up their end of the chat. We first started talking about the music, the musicians, the ambiance in the place, etc. I could tell that he was feeling me out, as he talked. I was checking him out too. He looked great in this paddy green sweater because he looks great in strong colors ( has lots of dark hair for constrast). He looked like a preppy intellectual. He was wearing glasses with quirky dark orange frames, but his eyes were very intense. I LOVE "intense." I felt like he was pinning me down me with his eyes. LOL!

So, we talked casually about certain interests we had in common, and I have lots of interests, so that part was easy.

I wasn't surprised that he wanted to see me again. I knew he was interested in me though he didn't come out and say it or say exactly why. I gave him my email address, he walked me to my truck, and said he'd contact me. And he did (the next evening, I think). He wrote me an email in which he told me more about himself, his work, hobbies, travels, what he studied while pursuing his doctorate in his field, etc. I had no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded interesting. LOL! I responded to the email and gave him my number, and that was how we started going out. He'd call me every afternoon or evening.

Insofar as his flirting, well, he didn't actually "flirt" in the usual sense. He showed "continuous interest" when he didn't have to. For ex., at the initial meeting, he could have turned away or gotten up and moved away, if he found me unappealing. So, if a man shows continuous interest at a social event, sits across from me, looks me straight in the eyes for a while while we talk lightheartedly--when he doesn't have to--then I interpret that as his being interested. I know that different men show interest differently.

I enjoyed just sitting there chatting without some of those distorted maneuvers men sometimes feel they must exhibit in the mating dance. Also, I found him interesting. That was the main thing. I like talking with people, if they have intelligent things to say. I was thinking that if he did turn out to be a guy who'd be in my life as even a platonic friend, I wanted to experience him as a man I found "interesting." So meeting him was a win for me, even if it were to have only been a platonic relationship. Sometimes, we should just try to be in the moment and just be friendly with a person who seems to be of quality because you never know whether you're making a valuable contact, a friend, or meeting a husband, etc. So, I'd say I responded to him like he was someone who I wanted to have in my life, because I did. And he realized that.

And the fact that he is white had nothing to do with how I responded to him. I responded to what he said and how he treated me--just one man to one woman. Remember that I'm PAB. I don't view individual wm the way some AA women do, particularly when the wm in question has given me no reason to be suspicious of him.

BWIIM&R SLICE: Valentine's Day is in the Air - Weddings & SLICE News and Notes

2012-02-03T13:51:45-08:00

Yes, Valentine's Day is around the corner, but everyday is a day to celebrate love. I'll be sticking up more couples as V-Day approaches. I love being married and I've been married most of my life.I can't imagine not being in a loving relationship with a man. I've concluded that we all have a different journey in this life, and it's obvious that a big part of my journey is experiencing life with a QLL man, as my partner, my companion, my friend, my confidante, my lover, my husband, etc. and these are not in the order of importance to me. LOL!

Here are a few pics from Weddings Nouveau of Bw-Wm marriages. I wish all these couples all the joys and fulfillment in their marriage that I have had and more.

And unlike a high profile couple who's been in the news lately, my 'happiness' is NOT fake. Wow!

Thanks, E for this tidbit about Serena Williams. LOL!

Y'all, check out who's Serena's NEW BEAU.

Nadege and Joe

LINK

Pics by Onada Photography

_________

Okay, here's a note I received from a Nigerian-American woman named IU. I will respond to portions of the note.

Hello Evia,
I want to start off by saying that I love your weblog and have learned sooo much from it. I also purchased your Vetting and IC newsletters. It is because of your Vetting newsletter that I now have a certain wonderful man in my life. We are even discussing marriage for the end of this year.

Well, I'm thrilled if something I've said has brought about you and your QLL man to find each other, and y'all are now planning to marry. Wow! That's just too wonderful!

Anyway, if possible, I would like to request some advice from you. I am currently studying abroad in Latin America and am finding it hard to connect with the other study abroad students. This connects to your weblog because I believe it is because I don't fit any of the negative black woman stereotypes.

I'm assuming that some of those other students are typical AA college students from typical AA environments? It doesn't matter that they are in college. You would think that they'd be ready to reach out and explore all kinds of people, places, and things. But only a few are, if any. People are a product of their past experiences and many people are taught to close themselves off from anything different. So, they do it out of fear, but mainly because that's how they've been taught.

It's unfortunate that this is occurring to you, but this also occurs to many AA students too if they're not perceived as being "BLACK" enough or sometimes for other reasons. That's what it is. They don't think you're "BLACK" enough, most likely. The "BLACK" police aka 'Soul Patrol' among AAs constantly patrol and restrict other AAs too, so this is just standard operating procedure. This is exactly the reason why I've defined myself as a PAB. I've been a PAB all of my life. Being a "BLACK" woman is very suffocating because you're required to follow the "BLACK" code or you will be either ostracized totally or you simply won't be included in lots, socially. Trust me. You will one day consider that a blessing.

When I was in college, there were other AAs who I didn't mesh with, but I didn't want to mesh with them. They were cool and all of that (maybe too cool because most of them didn't graduate or it took them forever to do so), but I knew that I was different. I wanted to experience the whole wide world and they didn't. They were fearful and stayed in their box, so I knew we would end up clashing. I met a couple of other women on my large campus who were more like me and we were fine. One of those friends is the one who I went skiing, ice-skating, to dude ranches in upstate NY where we were the only blacks for miles around. We dated interculturally and interracially and also traveled a lot together, partyed all over Manhattan in all kinds of venues. We got good grades, dated a lot, and had fun during our college years. The other AA women on campus never did those things and considered us as "acting white." LOL!

I know it's lonely, but if they did include you, don't you realize that you will pay a high price to be included. It won't be a freebie and it most likely won't be worth it to you. They will pressure you to change, to close yourself off to others, to PROVE you're blacker than black. You will constantly have to prove yourself. And it's not because of anything you've done.

I am fit, attend one of the top 20 universities in the U.S., a little tall, nice but quiet, have natural hair, and dress stylishly. None of the other students are ever mean to me and every day the women compliment on my outfits. They tend to be polite but distance. There is one other student here from my school and she also does this. I've regularly caught her and a few of the other female students staring at me. I know I'm pretty but dang. lol

Also everyone always looks surprised when they find out I have a boyfriend. Just today I heard them discussing it as I walked into a room.

I'm not really sure how to deal with this. I've tried being more outgoing and friendly but have received the same treatment. Now generally I'm a 'don't care if you don't like me' person when it comes to things like this but I'd hate to have this study abroad experience without making a few close friends.

No, I doubt it has anything to do with your looks. This happens a lot with younger people. They don't know who they are and don't know who you ARE, so they're afraid. They know you're different. Possibly one or more of them will open up to you at some point. Some of them may want to now, but are afraid of what the others will do. Just continue being friendly, but make it clear that you're going to be yourself. After all, you haven't done anything to them. Is it worth it to you to alter yourself just to be liked or included by them? No one is worth doing that for. You are fine, just as you are because it sounds like you're a nice person.

I have developed friendships and associations of varying duration with a wide variety of people: Middle Easterners, Africans, Hispanics, whites, etc. Throughout it all, I've always been true to myself. When I lived almost totally among Nigerians, I never altered myself to be accepted by them. Eventually, some Nigerian and other African women said to me. "Wow, you've become an African woman!" LOL! I told them, "No, I'm an AA, just like I was all along."

They had been restricted to see all AAs in a certain way. They had cut themselves off from aspects of me that may have benefitted them. Their loss.

Aja and Dean

LINK

Girl Photography

I now live mainly among whites. I'm still true to myself. I'm just fine the way I am, so I won't alter myself. I think people respect you much more when you are true to yourself and those people who are worthy of you will approach you. At least, this is true when people become more mature. As people become more mature, they care less about what others think.

What I'm saying is that these AAs (?) have been mentally retricted to see you in a certain way--and it's not because of anything you've done. I would consider it their loss. You may need to seek out other social experiences and people there because we all have social needs.

The bottom line is that you're a Third Culture person. Check that out on Wikipedia. You're a product of two distinctly different cultures, but neither one of them is a comfortable fit for some people like you. I have cousins like you--partly Nigerian and partly AA. It's sometimes difficult for them to fit comfortably into either culture because they are, in essence, from another culture--that Third Culture.

Many Third Culture people are most comfortable with other Third Culture people--who have a dual cultural background but not necessarily the same 2 cultures. Many people think that it's rough for some biracial people to get a feeling of belonging, but it's usually much more challenging for the Third Culture person because, for ex. you look black and you probably sound like an AA, but you're not an AA and neither are you a Nigerian--in your thinking.

A few more details about me:I was born and raised in the United States but both of my parents are Nigerian. They were never married because my father is the definition of a DBR man. My sweetheart is Nigerian, comes from money and came to the U.S. to study. We are attending the same university and he is getting his master's while I am getting my bachelor's.
Do you have any advice for me?
Feel free to share this on your website. I am wondering how common this experience among young black women like me.
Thank you so much for all of the wisdom/common sense you have shared.

LOL about your DBR dad. As I've pointed out: there are DBRs in all groups; the only difference is the percentage of them in a group, which is controlled by that group. My ex-husband is a wonderful man, but he, too, is of course very aware of DBRs among Nigerians and stayed away from them.

And I'm happy you wrote to me because this is a bw interracial AND intercultural marriage site. I used to have a separate section here devoted to bw in relationships with black men from other cultures.

That being said, I invite anyone and everyone out there to write in and offer their advice to IU. (sigh) This is simply another reason why it's difficult sometimes being a bw. Many times, a bw is not only kept at a distance from non-blacks; she is also shunned by other bw and bm--and not because of anything she has done!

Readers, PLEASE write and offer IU any advice you have or share your experiences. I may post some of the advice here below in this post because as bw venture out into other global spots and mingle with other groups, some of your advice can really be vital to them. So please write.

But IU, no matter what. You will get through this just fine. This is TEMPORARY. So, enjoy yourself there. Broaden yourself in every way possible way. Live every moment to the fullest as best you can, and you will have less time to think about how those others are depriving themselves of getting to know you.

________________

Advice from Readers for IU---

AE says:

"I would say to IU that first I am so proud of you for exploring outside of the United States of America. For an explorer or even a "sociable" explorer to really experience a new area or place in it's entirety, one must somewhat embrace the idea ofthe introvert inside oneself. I've been a natural explorer every since I was 3 years old. I found the idea of being tied to kids my age restrictive and impeded me of having a great time experiencing all 5 senses of any place or thing I wanted to see, touch, feel, or create.

I'm not too sure if you are naturally extroverted, introverted, or both but depending on which, positive or negative energy (universal,physical,mental) is released. For example, if you are more extroverted, the more people you are around, the more physical energy you have and you blossom and grow.If you are more introverted, being alone gives you more energy and you thrive and grow. I've got a feeling that you are used to being made to feel different and although you enjoy time with others (most humans do but not all), you might be more introverted then you realize and this is a good thing.

I'm not sure from your letter of what ethniticites these students that you are around are but I find Evia's explanation of AAs othering or separating themselves apart from bw who are PAB factual, common, and a blessing. This is the universe freeing your time to really experience Latin America, it's people foods animals and culture and italso blocks potential negative or destructive mental types that could impede your enjoyment and spirit.

I've lived in several states on my own without having to have any real connections first and yet I've thrived. I will say being able to embrace this concept has attracted me more geniune friendships of various nationalities including AA women, who initially acted this way toward me, because I was ok with being me and such behavior would not deter me from truly enjoying myself. I know the feeling of isolation (one day you will enjoy and appreciate it).

I understand that you want to be included and right now some of those students know that you stand out, however they recognize that they might have to start thinking differently to be around you. This is their issue and not yours. You have the choice of doing two things: a)getting to know them more by really asking questions and listening (if you value your time like most introverts do this can be exhausting esp if they don't share the same interests as you do) or b) really getting to know the new environment you are in.

Read and heed Evia's advice (which is universal law) on trying to fit in. You are there to study abroad so you have to continue to be open and physically outside, if they are acting this way, would you really enjoy their company? Can they really be YOUR close friends? I mean you are in Latin America in which family is celebrated so why would any of your fellow students be surprised that you have a boyfriend. These are just clues from the universe and that nagging internal voice in your headthat they aren't like-minded as you.

The truth is they might not have your best interests in mind. My advice is shift your focus to studying your new environment and have fun IU. These are experiences that you will happily reflect on when you get older. From your email, I see that you are thriving already and congratulations to you and your QLL sweetheart for finding each other!

Hope this helps or encourages you to keep being you,

AE, this is EXCELLENT advice to IU. It just goes to show that WE have lots of the knowledge we need among us. If only we would share it and if only other bw would take the advice and run with it, so that every bw doesn't have to make the same mistakes! This is how any group of people evolve higher and higher--by getting the information, learning the lessons, and MOVING ON.

Flashpost--Kudos to SOME White Women! Overall--White Men Do Treat Women Better!

2012-02-01T08:38:41-08:00

[Readers: After I wrote this post, I received a note from a bw who was annoyed with me for what I said about white women. She felt I was giving them too much credit. She and I shared a few pleasant notes with each other. We agreed to disagree because we actually weren't disagreeing; we were simply focusing on different aspects of the situation. I will stick in our notes in a few days below, in the hopes that our exchange may broaden perspectives surrounding this issue.]

__________________________________________________________

Mollar and Scott Hanselman (Microsoft Computer Guru, Speaker, Business Consultant)

SITE

Thanks, RA for this!

_____________________

Kudos to SOME White Women!! LOL!!!!!

I tell ya, we really have to hand it to SOME white women in Florida for clipping Newt Gingrich's wings in the Florida Primary.

LINK

Y'all, I just LOVE it! LOL!!!

Of course, Gingrich is NOT one of those wm who treats women well. Oh, no, no!

His 2nd wife outted him for his foul treatment (cheating on her, etc.) of her in a news conference a couple of weeks ago, saying he asked her for an 'open marriage,' and apparently didn't wait for her to say 'yes' before he began to play. But, do we see how other ww responded to those revelations about him! *CLAPPING*

And I'm sure ww didn't need to read countless blogs and comments about it before they made the right decision to protect their interests and dignity as WOMEN 'first and foremost' by eliminating him from the national stage. I can't imagine how anyone could support a man for the presidency who has treated his wives in the manner he has!!!

When the day comes that the bulk of bw can make a decision like this--that supports their interests as women--automatically or in a very short time with barely any discussion about it, bw will have reached the point of LIVING WELL.

From all accounts I've read, the only thing that his 2 ex-wives did "wrong" to him was to get older, look older, and say heck no to his philandeering ways. How DARE they do that? LOL!

Anyway, I told Darren as soon as I heard what his 2nd wife said about his wanting an "open marriage" that it was all over for him because I know how American ww think. They think the way ANY sensible woman thinks and ought to think or any woman who has choices and chooses the choice not to be degraded.

White women, in aggregate, do NOT allow men to pee on them and get away with it. And this is ONE of the main reasons why wm are very careful about how they treat ww. They know that ww have VERY long memories. White men KNOW that the average white woman is not going to make excuses for his mistreatment or for his trying to make her play second fiddle to another woman of any race, for ANY reason. White men know that an average ww is just NOT having it! Some bm--like Herman Cain--have found it out too--LOL!--that if they pee on a ww, she is most likely going to bide her time and crush them, when she gets the chance.

And for this, a lot of us bw who are married to QLLwm OWE ww, in general, a LARGE measure of gratitude because we are benefitting from the way SOME white WOMEN have upheld standards for the way men should treat white women. So, when wm date, love, marry bw, Asian women, or any other woman, they bring those standards because that's the way SOME ww have shaped them by not tolerating or condoning nonsense.

I know that Darren treats me with tenderness, respect, consideration, etc. largely BECAUSE he has seen that STANDARD exemplified in the way many other white men of his class and in his environment i treat their wives and other white women in this manner. He saw how that manner of treating a woman overwhelmingly leads to relationship success or contentment, whereas the he-man, macho, authoritarian type male role model almost always leads to relationship failure these days. I'm so happy that he could observe those standards at work in his environment. I'm the beneficiary of that. This kind of behavior on his part towards me certainly didn't just drop into his head out of the sky. I didn't have to teach him how to treat me; he already knew how to make me feel loved and appreciated.

I confess that I'm an average woman. I'm not such a SPECIAL woman who totally "deserves" this kind of lovely treatment. This is just the way he's been shaped. LOL! For ex., I've known many other bw who I believe are more deserving than me for my quality of life. So, the only reason I get this treatment is because of the decisions I've made, the men I've chosen as mates.

This is why I've practically BEGGED bw here for years to VET men and choose the most compatible QLL man. Vetting is the most important ingredient in relationship success.

Of all of the major groups of men, (western) white men overall DO treat women BETTER--in general, in 2012, and this is largely due to the mostly (western) white woman led feminist movement. Now, I know some of y'all hate Feminism and the whole nine. And of course, a lot of men don't like feminism because prior to feminism, there was total (gender) affirmative action for virtually all men--24-7, including black men. It's possible that if I were a man, I might feel the same way because human beings do not want to give up their privileges. LOL! But, I'm not going down that rabbit hole in this post pointing out all the ways feminism greatly improved the lives of women, and not just white women. No "-ism" is all good or all bad, but feminism was a GOOD thing for women.

That being said, it will take women a while to work out the various kinks, but SOME men are furious now because they simply do not want to or are having big problems adapting to a more equitable system. What mystifies me about the way many men think is that without equitable systems in the world, we are ALL doomed. Unfortunately, that may just be the fate of all humans because we live in a patriarchal world, and men are not about to step aside and hand the reins to women or willingly share them. Some of them may actually prefer total destruction than to share the reins. They may get their wish.

But to get back to what I said above about the overall better treatment that a woman is more likely to get from a wm in a relationship, notice I didn't say that this applies to ALL white men. Overall though, this is likely to happen. This "better treatment" is largely because after the feminist movement, the typical white woman drew a line in the sand, which meant, "I'm NOT the family slave; I'm NOT a broodmare; and I will NOT be a member of your harem. In other words, I'm not taking it anymore." LOL!

Now, I know I'm breaking rule #1 in the "BLACK" woman's handbook by saying that wm generally treat women better because a 'keepin it real "BLACK" woman is NEVER, EVER supposed to say anything positive about any wm or even ww. But that's why I've told y'all I'm a PAB (passing as black), and I am PAB for the simple reason that being a "BLACK" woman is way too restrictive, blinding, and suffocating. So, why would I choose that definition--and the thousands of restrictions that go with it--for myself when I can instead define myself in a way that gives me the maximum freedom that I can give myself.

I'm telling you now: If you don't want to read a PAB's thoughts, then don't read my site. LOL!

But if we're totally honest (and I know I'm not being politically correct), most women in the world who have a choice would think more than twice about marrying a man from various other non-western regions of the world if he wants them to live with him there because we all know that the sexism and oppression of women in those areas is literally just out of this world!

For ex., I have an AA girlfriend who married a very nice guy from the Middle East who was an electrical engineer. He got a high paying job in Egypt, so they moved there. This woman loved swimming, but when she went to Egypt with him, she was not allowed to wear a bathing suit to go swimming!!!! So, she had to give up swimming. She had to give up a lot of things in their relationship and she finally gave him up too.

So, for all of you bw out there who think that ww are weak, THINK again, and then get out your notebooks and start taking notes from SOME of them. LOL!

Uncommonly Common Sense: Carriers and Supporters of Toxic IDEAS are like Carriers of Deadly Viruses

2012-01-30T17:24:10-08:00

NOTICE: (sigh) There are various unstable, delusionary individuals out there in cyberspace who read my site and "think" WE have a relationship. I do NOT have a relationship with them. This is a TOTALLY imaginary, one-sided situation. I don't know these people; I've never communicated with them. But at a certain point, they become furious when I don't respond in the way they want me to respond. I put this notice here to let the public know this because I don't know what these people may say or do next. They're committing fraud and slander when they claim I said or did this, that, or the other to them or with them. These are LIES! So, beware.

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Weatherman Proposes on TV! LOL! Thanks so much for this, H!

And thanks, Felicia and JF for sending this link about the LOVINGS Story that will air on HBO on Valentine's Day for Black History Month.

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'Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.'

This is a saying that's been attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, but there is dispute about whether she coined this saying. It doesn't matter. It's still powerfully valuable because it teaches a lot.

Thanks V, for this LINK to this ad pic
from WALGREEN'S Store. Support! Support!

__________________

I've always been a person who loved chewing on and discussing ideas, but in particular, their value or lack of value when applied to life. I'm chiefly interested in ideas that can be applied that add value
to our lives.

Last week, there was the whole Red Tails fracas (about whether bw should or shouldn't
support the movie Red Tails (a no-brainer type of decision for me). I had a few more thoughts about it and BWE.

I've always naturally gravitated toward my view of the principles of BWE. While BWE has never been codified, I could, even as a young teen girl in Alabama intuitively figure out the core essence of it--or at least the common sense of what would make the lives of some bw there safer and better.

So, the essence of BWE (IMO) is a cluster of IDEAS that I've subscribed to since I was a child. I am not confused about MY definition or view of of BWE and I won't ever waver from it because it has proven its effectiveness in my life every day. So, I'd be doomed, if I did waver, and I believe that many other bw will also be doomed if they don't subscribe to something similar and more importantly ADHERE in a hurry to similar ones, not necessarily exactly mine. This is why I've offered my views to other bw via my writings here. These are my beliefs BUT I'm not trying to sell or impose my beliefs on anyone. I'm just making them available.

I say what I say here, and remember, I often advise readers to take what they can use and 'toss the rest.' My work here can stand on its own; I can stand on my own. I am never going to compromise my principles in order to be accepted or for fame or money, etc. Fortunately, my decisions in life have enabled me to already live a financially comfortable life.

I totally support and encourage bw getting their hustle on--as long as it's legal and with a significant dose of morality. Some people hustle because they have to and others mainly because they want to or like it or all of the above. I like staying engaged in various projects, and if I make money from them, then that's okay, but I'd do them even if I weren't making money at them because these are things I love to do. I have made enough things to fill a store and I don't even try to sell them most of the time. I'm just naturally entrepreneurial because I was bitten by that bug when I was a girl who spent lots of time with my grandmother who was an entrepreneurial whirlwind. LOL!

So, I could have made money at this. As a matter of fact, I often get requests for interviews from large media outlets or invitations to participate in this or that in the media from people who have read my views and want to connect with me. If I'd been a money hound, I would have jumped out there years ago because I've had many opportunities via my site. I can never say that the white media ignored me. The black media also showed some interest.

For some reason, many people are very attracted to my common sense views. Maybe, I remind them of a dinosaur. LOL! Yeah, I know they are attracted to the pics, but they could look at the pics without talking to me. Maybe, they want to talk to me because common sense is rare. I dunno. I contantly sift through my views and tweak them to match reality, because I'm not a magical thinker. I also know a toxic idea when I encounter it and to me carriers and supporters of toxic ideas are like carriers of a deadly virus. I do NOT want to be associated with these kinds of people and will not willingly do so.

Initially, (LOL), MY particular version of BWE was based on certain pillars of thought that emanated from certain rock solid Common Sense ideas of mine.

I think BWE blogger Khadija had once said that many black people will grab the newest term that's come down the pike but will impose the same old damaged thinking on the new term. I think that's exactly what's happened to the idea of BWE with certain other bw because I read where some commenters said they think it's okay for each bw to define BWE in any way that is best for her. LOL!!!! My jaw dropped to the floor when I read that. There are many people who engage in activities that they consider best for themselves, but most rational people wouldn't think much of those people or their activities because those activities are NOT life-affirming in the short or long run.

Don't people know by now that MOST bw are going to define things according to the way they've been indoctrinated or programmed, which rarely ever supports and protects the interests of bw, 'first and foremost'?

I would advise not to get involved in any club, organization, society, etc. where there are no rules and where anything and everything is just fine. That's CHAOS! I mean, why even join or be a part of it if people can do what they want to do when they feel like doing it any old time they want to do it--with no regard for how their actions impact others in the group. This is a classic DBR behavior pattern--straight up narcisism!!!

I have life-affirming PRINCIPLES & VALUES, that I subscribe to, that guide my life. I don't twist my principles and values to match anything that I want to do, any time I want to do it, any way I want to do it. This is exactly what many so-called BWE advocates did when it came to supporting 'Red Tails.' They forced their beliefs about BWE to match their desire to see 'RED TAILS', a movie that will have long-term, damaging repercussions for AA women--as things stand now.

I will not be associated with people of this ilk because it was a 'big deal,' and not 'just a movie,' as some people rationalize. However, I can't change other people, but I do have the power to separate myself from them. I'd prefer to be totally alone than be in the midst of haphazardness, disorder, chaos, etc.

Supporting that movie, which erased bw, was the same as helping to infect lots of bw with a deadly virus. I don't know why so many AAs don't realize that they don't live on a island. What they do, sends signals to other people. But after those others get the signal and act accordingly, then AAs start whining about how they're being treated in a certain negative way because they're 'black.' No, they're being treated in that way BECAUSE of the SIGNAL THEY SENT!

It is, of course, any bw's perogative to not care about how her behavior affects other bw, but this behavior comes back often to bite her in the butt and that's why so many bw are online or in other media complaining. It's because a large cadre of bw out there don't care about the signals they send.

So, it's also MY perogative not to want to be associated with any bw of that type.

Yet, it's bw of that ilk who get furious at bw like me when we don't want to be associated with them. They get furious when you denounce them for being fake BWE advocates.

Some of them are pleading innocent by ignorance, saying they don't really know what BWE means.

The following are MY views re some of the pillars that BWE rests on, and I've written about these principles and a few others for the past 5 years.

1. First and Foremost, as a bw, you MUST promote and protect your self-interests for you and your kind.
As a bw raised in an extended deep south family, my "kind" was my nuclear family, my extended
family, and then others in the black community in that region and then, the world--in that order.
As a child, in practice, this meant that on the school bus or at school, for ex., if any other person who was not a member of my nuclear or extended family bothered any of the maybe six of us--in any way--from my extended family, I was supposed to get involved to look out for the interests of and protect my family member. I was also supposed to make sure that other young folks in my family didn't do
stupid stuff at school or on the bus though. We were all responsible for each other. I felt
protected because I knew that if anyone bothered me, I had SUPPORT. Therefore, my family members and by extension, others in the black community, were valuable to me (at that time) and I was valuable to them because we protected and supported each other!

There was:

2. RECIPROCITY going on most of the times among us there. Not always, but MOST of the time. Many
blacks these days expect you to support them when they offer you NOTHING of VALUE in exchange!!! Why should my family members KNOW they must support me when these days, strange black people will just feel they are "entitled" to my support just because we have a similar complexion and hair texture??? They talk that "sista" and "brotha" stuff without any inkling of what that means.

3. CRITICAL THINKING, especially at key decision-makingtimes, because he quality of your life
depends on your decisions--from moment to moment. This taught me to always be a forward thinker and think about how a decision I make right now might affect me 5 minutes from now, 5 hours from now, 5years from now, 50 years from now, and in the next generation and many more to come.

4. VETTING people. Yes, give people the benefit of the doubt, but NEVER invest much time, energy or anything valuable in anyone until or unless they invest similarly in you. It is risky and foolish
to do otherwise.Some people may be able to afford to do otherwise. I can't. I rate people in terms of their shown value to me or the probability of their value to me--as do other sensible people in the world.

5. LIVING WELL is the ultimate goal because it's not important how long you live; instead it's how
WELL that you and yours live. And it's been proven that people who live well are almost always
going to live longer. So do what you need to do to live well.

These are some of the PRINCIPLES and VALUES that I've internalized and live my life by. They are of
the utmost importance to me because they have proven their value to me and withstood the test of time for numerous people throughout the world.

I've subtitled my books with some of these principles and a few other principles of mine are upcoming as subtitles of my
future books that compile many of my essays and the comments of some commenter.

These are rock solid ideas/principles/values that have proven their value and have withstood the test of time.

And of course, there's my epigraph in all of my books:

6. The choice of a mate is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION that a woman makes in her life, especially if there are to be children. If she chooses her mate wisely, she and the children will reap many rewards, but if she chooses poorly, she has paved the way for herself and her offspring to suffer, for generations!

I grasped very early in my life that:

7. It is NEVER okay, understandable, explainable, or justifiable to rationalize or support in ANY way or 'turn the other
cheek' towards anyone who denigrates, debases, defiles, degrades, minimizes, marginalizes, or
erases me as a bw or other bw.

Throughout all of my blogs, I've tended to only discuss people (Jill Scott, Jay-Z) when I can tie
that person to an IDEA that I value or don't consider valuable, one that works against bw's interests, or is outright destructive. I mention the person's name for the sake of highlighting a 'teachable moment.' What I'm saying applies to ANYONE who displays counter-bw behavior or actions that harm bw. For ex., when Jill Scott had her meltdown published in Essence magazine about bm who prefer to be with non-bw, that was counter-bw behavior. That did NOT advance bw's interests, 'first and foremost' AT ALL. Did Jill think about her actions, in advance, or did she just say what she felt like saying?? I wouldn't be surprised if she considers herself a BWE advocate. LOL!

Okay, I'm going to tie 'Red Tails' to Gangsta Rap music and C. Dolores Tucker (a bw activist who was this country's greatest foe of the violent and mysognistic lyrics of Gangsta Rap) and I'm then going to tie them both to my version of BWE and the importance of the life-affirming IDEAS, PRINCIPLES & VALUES.

All ideas, principles, and values are NOT equal. I know some people would like to think that, but they're not.

One of the benefits of my age in these discussions is that I was an adult in some of the early days of
Gangsta Rap. At that time, almost instantly, (white) people cried foul about the "kill the police" theme and lyrics of some of the songs. So those songs became muted and then died fast. LOL!
The other most dominant theme was that 'bw are b-s and h's and other low-life forms.' And this is when C. Dolores Tucker came out swinging.

Notable big name rappers like Tupac and Jay-Z, and, even a
bw rapper (Lil Kim) began to attack and ridicule Ms. Tucker. She endured an onslaught of vile criticism and public ridicule. It was ugly. I cannot remember even ONE prominent black woman stepping forward to support her. There may have been someone, but I don't recall even one.

I vaguely remember that Tipper Gore, the wife of former vice president, Al Gore, also became involved in fighting against profane lyrics in music, but she was accused of 'censorship' and disappeared fast. LOL! And of course, she certainly couldn't say anything negative about Rap music in particular, or numerous blacks would have called her a racist.

I can remember being at a party (with all young blacks present) where this was discussed and I was the only one there who strongly supported C. Dolores Tucker. ALL of the black people at this party had college degrees and they were either young professionals already or were aspiring professionals. They ALL felt that I was being too harsh against black rappers and in particular bm because they believed and were overjoyed that this was an avenue for bm to finally make some big money and with that money, (they believed) that bm would build industries to employ other blacks, fund black businesses, clean up and resurrect blighted black communities, fund scholarships for black youth, more would marry bw and support their children, have prosperous black families and communities and in general use the money to erect a prosperous BLACK community in the United States, similar to China Town and Little Italy. These folks BELIEVED that.

These black folks at this party really BELIEVED this.That really shocked me (since I was still able to be shocked by the things that black folks say and do in those days--LOL!) and scared me because I
knew better. I don't know how I knew it, but I did know that that would have taken a true miracle.

I can vividly remember that after the party, I had a weird feeling in the pit of my
stomach. I KNEW that prosperous black communities could not be built on money that came from bm
calling bw "b's" and "h's" because screaming out epithets like that about women in your group is the proof of very damaged mindsets. And the people who were defending these rappers also were damaged or extremely delusionary. So, who was left to do all of the building and resurrecting? I knew then that the black American collective was sunk.

Mind you, I'm talking about IDEAS here, so I'm only mentioning people to make the point. There is nothing more powerful than an idea--not guns or money. Ideas can be powerfully destructive or constructive--once it sinks in.

For ex., in order for slavery to flourish, the merchants of slavery had to first sell the idea of slavery to the white masses. In order for Jews to be destroyed in Nazi Germany, the Nazi leaders had to first sell the idea of the Jewish "problem" to the masses of Germans. In order for the Hutus to kill hundreds of thousands of the Tutsis, they first had to be sold the idea that the Tutsis were their vile enemy.

C. Dolores Tucker, a prominent bw, I, and undoubtedly many other nameless, faceless bw and others
knew that the idea of bm proclaiming to the world that the bw is a "b" and a "h" was the advent of
the demise of bw. It's one thing for racist white men to denigrate bw, but it's quite a different
thing for bm to do it. Some black people don't see the difference, so I'll use this example. It's one thing for others to denigrate my children, but it's quite a different thing for me to do it. My children may have hurt feelings when others denigrate them, but they would be demolished if I or their dad denigrated them. This is why so many upwardly mobile bw are devastated when bm seem to think that "b" or "h" is their name.

Today, many bm who may possess the qualities and capability of marrying don't marry, and when they do, they don't think seriously of marriage and black woman in the same thought. This mainly comes from the IDEA that planted was allowed to take root and flourish in the minds of many bm who grew up in the Hip Hop/Rap era, that the bw is a demanding, hard-to-get-along-with "b" or "h".

From all indications (gleaned from much reading and key discussions I've gone out of my way to have
with AA men over the last year) many of the more marrigeable typical AA men currently think of
reasons why they should NOT marry a bw, and they then seek out proof for their belief. I've noticed
that the bulk of AA men think of mostly all bw as too fat, baby mamas, too hard to get along with
or demanding, and a "b" or a "h" on some level, etc., etc., etc.

Many people are now scratching their heads and are trying to figure out where this has all come
from since bm married bw up until fairly recently. So, I know that the typical younger bm has had this idea implanted and reinforced MAINLY by the lyrics of many of the rap songs that have the theme that a bw is someone with a big butt who you can sex, but you don't have to commit to her because if you scratch the surface, she's actually a overly demanding "b" or a "h," and not worth the trouble of investing in, in the long term.

I realize that some people will argue that many bw actually do behave like "b's" and "h's." This
may be true, but no more so than other American women in other groups. Naturally, it's ridiculous to compare a bw from a hard core urban ghetto to a woman from another group who grew up in the suburbs. But, people will do that. No matter what, the men of other groups STILL largely view the women in their group as the most desirable MARRIAGE candidates and overwhelmingly MARRY or commit to those women.

So bw stood by sillently and allowed C. Dolores Tucker to be savaged (and she WAS savaged) just like SOME bw are standing by now and paving the way with their dollars for the idea to take root that it's okay to support a "black" movie that erases bw. This silent behavior and/or spending $$$$$$ to support the movie is sending a signal to the powers that be that it's okay to NOT include bw. THAT'S A SIGNAL. The money folks don't care about all of this mouthing off on the internet; that's just hot air. What the money folks care about is $$$. So, I read where some bw are saying, "Oh, it's not right that they erased bw, but I'm still going to see the movie." Unreal!!

Tupac said in one of his songs: " C.Delores Tucker you's a motherf#^ker / Instead of trying to help a n%&ga you destroy a brother."

This tactic is also used to guilt bw into supporting the projects of bm NOW even though there is NO reciprocity. So, of course, these were code words for other blacks to circle the wagon to support and protect bm then.

Trust me, the dream of many bm is to see a bm starring opposite a ww on the big screen. LOL! The average AA man is not thinking about y'all bw, aside from what he can get from you.

So Ms. Tucker's fight was in vain. The IDEA of the undesirable bw was planted in the minds of bm and now it has flourished in the minds of bm. Many of them who have something significant to offer a woman do not consider an average bw to be wife-material and believe that if you scratch the surface, she's actually a "b'" or "h'" and today, even bw like Michelle Obama have to contend with this view of bw and not just from racist whites. This is a toxic IDEA that has been promoted in the last 2 decades largely through numerous Hip Hop lyrics about how foul bw are. This idea of the bw as the tough "b" surfaced again a couple of weeks ago when Michelle was accused of chasing good staff members out of the White House. I felt so sorry for her on Gayle King show when she was trying to defend herself.

My cousin's friend left a cd by Dr. Dre called chronicle '2001' (?) a few years ago and I listened to it. It was GROSS. The views expressed by the bm singers on that cd about bw were unbelievably sordid.

So, now bm have gone from making destructive music that spreads vile ideas about bw to big-scale
movies that are marketed to a worldwide audience of all groups where bw are totally erased, despite
bw's numerous critically important contributions 24-7 to black American life and to American life in general, during ALL periods of history that we've been here.

On some of the forums on the internet, bw are shaking their heads about this and saying that bw
need to make their own movies. But this is NOT the answer either because if we have dimwitted, clueless bw or BCE advocate type bw making movies featuring bw, the harm WILL continue.

What is BCE?

To my knowledge, Halima, over at Black Women Interracial Circle coined the term BCE, which stands for Black Community Empowerment advocacy as opposed to those who 'First and Foremost' support BWE (Black Women's Empowerment) over and above all else.

So, to me, the erasure of bw from a movie like Red Tails by black men writers is synonymous with the way bm focused their venom on bw in the early days of Gangsta Rap, planting the seed of the stereotype of the non-desirable bw as a committed mate, and the black community SUPPORTED them just as the black community is supporting Red Tails. This is a sign of things to come, but for me, this is also a case of deja vu.

Black people cannot blame white people for any of this. No white person can force any black person to create, listen to, or buy music denigrating bw, and whites cannot force black people to go to see a movie where bw have been erased. Black people HAVE to stop giving white people SUPERhuman powers. Black people HAVE free will.

But trust me. Lots of blacks are going to try very hard to blame whites mostly for this. LOL! I already read where some black women are trying to blame the erasure of bw in this movie on George Lucas. That bm protectionism right there. Many bw would rather do anything than to blame a bm for anything 100% or hold bm accountable.

The toxic idea of the low value bm place on bw was nurtured, reinforced, supported, and it has now been REIFIED in the minds of many younger bm, for sure. Reifying is when an idea becomes so real to so many people until it becomes a FACT to them. So, that toxic idea has infected a lot of younger bm now and the effects are deadly on the men and on the women.

So, to sum this up-- we, of course, have bm gleefully jumping up and down, happily supporting a movie that dismisses bw from a key piece of history (as if these bm don't have black mothers, sisters, daughters, etc.) and we also have the usual assortment of easily duped bw who contort themselves to come up with all kinds of reasons to support the movie. This is another toxic idea that has come in the form of this movie, but many bw cannot see that NOW.

This all smacks of a lack of life-affirming general principles and values, which leads to much individual and group destruction, when viewed in both the short and long term. And this is just ONE example of this.

As I said--to me, this is a case of 'deja vu.' I've seen this before so I know where it's headed.

Halima, over at Black Women Interracial Circle did a powerful essay about this contortion thinking and behavior of many bw and THIS particular essay that she did, ranks, IMO, as one of the top 3 of all of her hundreds of essays. This is a powerful essay, so powerful until I shivered while reading it.

Black women have another chance to learn this lesson. And if they don't learn it, they will have to repeat it. And repeat it. And repeat it--until they learn it. That's just the way life is. It's also the reason why I think that so-called black progress in this country or in the world barely moves at all or even regresses. IMO, Blacks, in aggregate, tend to be stuck on the same lessons for generations, seemingly--that they keep repeating over and over, while the rest of the world moves on, leaving blacks behind. Maybe, someone can figure out why.

Btw I hope some of you have listened to the video below of Maria McKenzie reading from her book: "The Governor's Son." Please scroll down a couple of posts to find the video. Here's a note I received from a white man about the video.

Evia,

I just finished watching and listening to Maria McKenzie read from her novel "The Governor's Son." I was charmed by the way she changed the inflection of her voice to fit each different character. She seems like a real charmer herself. . .I can't even imagine the problems the son of a wealthy southerner would have in 1936 South. I just bought the book on Kindle. I'll probably read through it this afternoon.

With each new IR romantic novel I become more and more convinced that the future of color blind romances will be inevitable. Why did it take so long? And remember BW are only a tiny percentage of the population. How do you think they'll react to being sought after? You don't know how many WM adore BW, but they've only been able to admit for such a short period of time. I've already predicted that BM are going to suddenly find BW very desirable. I wonder if BW are going to forget being ignored by their men and go back to them. And I wonder how many white women will be angry about losing a boyfriend to a black women she never thought would be competition. Guys are very democratic when it comes to women. A pretty girl is a pretty girl. Most of us (at least the younger ones) don't care much about the color.

BTW, I saw "Joyous Noise." You'll like it. Queen Latifah is one of the most talented women I've ever seen on screen. She can sing, dance and act. If you've never seen the movie "Chicago," watch it. I can almost guarantee you'll love it. Fifty years ago she's have been stuck in obscurity. Today she's a star.

Uncommonly Common Sense: The "He Didn't Have a Daddy" So That's Why He calls Bw the "B-Word" Okey Doke

2012-01-23T21:42:34-08:00

Audrey Pulvar (French Journalist) and beau, Arnaud Montebourg (French presidential candidate)

She may be France's next First Lady.

LINK

Thanks for this, KM!

Wow! That would be phenomenal to have two black First Ladies of two powerful, predominantly white countries. This is why I've pointed out that the female card is the most powerful card in the deck-- when women know how to use it.

I don't know anything about politics in France, but for her to even be with him as his chosen mate/companion on his winning night raises up bw on the world stage as potential mates for powerful men everywhere. It appears from the link blurb that he is within striking distance of the French Presidency.

But this is also why some people believe we live in a post-racial world now.

Nah! I'd bet my money on the female card any day over ANY type of politics. The female card is way stronger than any -ism, any -ology or any -ocracy. LOL!

____________________

Okay, I'm going to talk about the okey-doke mentioned in the title of this post that has nothing to do with this pic, but first . . .

Thanks, Felicia for this article link and the pic. It's not exactly about bw and interracial relationships, but it does intersect with it because it talks about bw

and their marriage prospects or the lack thereof. I'll just make a few comments about some of the points in the this survey and how it all impacts a typical bw's marriage prospects. And because it's a "survey," it will used and cited by some people like the Gospel. (sigh)

Survey Paints a Portrait of Black Women in America

http://www.cdispatch.com/news/article.asp?aid=15249

I read the article. Geez! If black women just want to make sure that they wipe out the interest of all men in them for marriage or committed relationships, they need to make sure that someone keeps pumping out these types of articles. The funny thing is that I don't think the writer of the article had this intention at all, but the sum total of the article is that AA women are some really one-dimensional women. It seems that they're only or mainly interested in career progress, making money, and their church. I couldn't help but think as I read the article that the women described in the article don't seem to be the flesh and blood type bw I know. Unfortunately, so many people in other groups never get to meet the flesh and blood type bw I know who mainly want what other women want. Ot is it that so many AA women are not expressing their needs. Is this a communication issue? Or ?

It's important what's reported in surveys like this because when people read a survey like this and see AA women on TV or out in public, they think they know AA women.

Some of the results of this survey just seem weird to me. Even if bw actually thought some of this, they should not have said it because it doesn't help them on certain fronts. I don't believe that telling the truth always "sets you free." LOL! I believe that telling the truth sometimes leads to traps. Just because something is true for you doesn't mean you have to tell it or tell the whole truth. Mainly, very young children or senile older people tell the whole truth. Many others in between tell a version of the truth that supports their self-interests. So I'm not saying I advocate lying.

IMO, it is NOT good for some of this type of info to be the main info circulating about you IF you're like most women in the world who are (surprise, surprise) actually interested in finding a QLL man fairly early in life! I was like most of these other women in the world; I wanted QLL men to know they were a priority to me. Finding one for a loving and lovable partner and to father my children was near the very top of my list of priorities when I was in my mid-twenties.

I remember a Nigerian mother telling me once that she told her daughter who was in medical school that she expected her to find a husband while she was in school and not wait like an AA woman to get out of school before beginning to look for a husband. This mother was persistent about this. Well, the daughter met her husband while in medical school (he was also a doctor) and they got married right after they both graduated.

This was the expectation for me too, so I did it. I, too, placed a high premium on education, but I never saw that getting degrees cancelled out getting married--IF I mingled with compatible men who shared my values. I guess that if I were in my mid-20s now, I'd probably wait for 8-10 years too to get serious about finding a mate. I still don't understand why so many AA women think they can't do both at the same time--just like I did. I think it's mostly a matter of expectation.

Honestly, while reading this, I kept asking myself--"Have I ever met any of these types of AA women?" I'm serious because I'm beginning to question my sanity. LOL! Really, I'm beginning to question my grip on reality with this whole issue because the AA women of various ages that I meet and talk with and the numerous ones who've written me over these 5-1/2 years that I've been blogging sing a very different tune from the composite bw in the article above, for whom finding a QLL man is not a priority. And I've known many professional bw, some of whom make above 6 figures and I also know bw at the other end of the economic spectrum who get a monthly government check. I've always mixed easily with a wide variety of people, but most of the bw I've mingled with were/are professional women who make a relatively high income. The problem is that even that relatively high income does not enable them to live well because of various other factors in their lives as women.

The ho-hum attitude shown towards meeting a QLL man, as reflected in this article, definitely flies in the face of all of my experiences offline. My Gosh! Every single bw I meet offline who observes that I'm married to a QLL man asks me and even calls later to follow up with me to find out how she too can meet a man like my husband, and this is not only the case now, it was also the case when I was married before. Having a QLL man as a committed partner really, really makes a big difference in the overall quality of a woman's life and my experience is that every single bw who has observed my relationship with either man I married, wants a man of that type in her life. They can see up close what a big difference it makes in my life. Some of the things they say to me are really amazing and very poignant. One of my girlfriends told me recently that she wouldn't know what to do with herself if a man showed her the affection she saw Darren showing me, and all he was doing was putting his arm around my shoulder. Like most women, it's easy for her to get raw, mechanical sex, but that's not affection.

So, these women offline are not on the fence about it--AT ALL. They make it very clear that they want a QLL man in their lives, yet these articles paint a very different picture of bw who can take a man or leave him. I simply don't meet those kinds of women.

As a matter of fact, I've had problems with women due to my having a QLL mate (both husbands) and their not having one because their envy flairs up. This has happened 7 or 8 times in the last couple of decades that I've been married, and I'm not alone with these experiences that can range from downright gritty-ugly to at the very least, unsettling. When I've talked with other AA women who have QLL mates and even one African woman friend of mine who is dating a QLL wm now, they are having or have had similar experiences with some AA women, in particular. It's gotten to the point where I don't even like to reveal to new AA women I meet that I'm even married. LOL!

So, maybe I'm imagining things, y'all. I dunno.

______________________________-

The B-Word

Recently, I was asked by a wm blogger to comment on a bw writer's views re rapper Jay-Z putting the b-word "to rest"--since Jay-Z now has a daughter who he realizes could be defiled by that epithet. The central question was whether whites with power should step in to shut down the filth, once and for all since blacks obviously cannot or will not police other black people.

First, let me say, I'm WAY past sick and tired of the DBR antics of typical black men! Don't y'all ever get TIRED of talking about that? GEEZ!

So, at the end of last year, I asked y'all to just-leave-me-out-of-ALL-of-it re anything that erupts about them. Most of y'all have heard me and have left me alone. I really appreciate that!!

Y'all know by now how I feel about foul-mouthed rappers who denigrate bw and various other DBRs (damaged beyond repair) folks out there. So, you already know my views since I've never minced words about them.

However, as I pointed out to this wm blogger: I will not willingly step into a "cat fight" with another bw. I'm not saying that he considers it a "cat fight," but that's how it will be construed by many who'll grab their twizzlers and sit back to watch. I won't do this because there's NOTHING for me to gain from it or for other bw to gain. After all, DBRs will continue to be DBRs long after any cat fight is over and will find it a tremendous source of amusement to know that they had 2 bw fighting about them--verbally or otherwise. This is how they will construe it. Even talking about them makes them feel terrific.

But here's the thing: I believe (and hope I'm wrong) that if whites were to even begin to step in to put an end once and for all to this foul public verbiage coming from AA men at AA women, many AA women will go into "Protect the bm from de evil white folks because he didn't have a daddy" mode. Trust me--other bw protectionists will interpret what that bw writer said as "Let's circle the wagon to protect da po bm." That's how it starts.

Even though this bw writer seems to be saying that due to white supremacy, whites should not strongarm bm to stop them or otherwise get involved in stopping the steady verbal filth (b-word, h-word, etc.) sprayed on black girls and bw from certain bm which erodes these girls and women emotionally and spiritually, robs them daily of their dignity, etc., I've pointed out that whites have always been in it---in every respect--ANYWAY. So, it puzzles me as to why she thinks they're just getting into any of this--NOW????

But I'm not seeking an answer or clarification. *Yawn* I'm really not interested in any discussion/dialoguing because talking about it is not going to stop it. Stopping it is what stops it--not mere talking about stopping it. I know the overarching white structure could stop it and I'd love it if they would just do it.

Also, while this bw writer appears to try to shame foul mouthed rappers into being the types of males/men who don't attack women and to instead respect those women who look most like their mothers, many little black girls and bw in war zones are under heavy attack during virtually all of their waking hours, like on the way to school and work, at school, after school and work, at the community center, on the street walking to the store or elsewhere, at church--being called these names and grabbed, groped, feeling stressed or fearful to leave their house, and worse, etc. or constantly insulted when they listen to these rappers (which they shouldn't ever do--sigh). ALL of these experiences take a heavy toll on the minds and spirits of these black girls and bw. Over time, it wears them down drains many of them of their dignity.

A bit of a side note that relates back to the article above: I did find it interesting that a very high percentage of bw in the survey considered themselves to have high self-esteem (which is connected to feelings of having a high degree of dignity). Hmmmmm??? Having high self-esteem means that those women believe that they are highly lovable and highly worthy and their major decisions in life reflect that. The question is whether their behavior/decisions in major areas of life match that or did the surveyors just take their word for it? Of course, in my line of professional work, I encountered many women of all types with low self esteem, but they didn't know they had low self esteem. They did not look out for their self interests and allowed others to mistreat them, but they still didn't see that they allowed that treatment because they didn't think they deserved better. They didn't think they were worthy. The fact is that some people don't know what good/high self-esteem means.

So, the bw writer (who wrote about Jay-Z and the b-word) may be able to afford to tell whites stay out of it (since I'd bet she doesn't live in a war zone) and not intervene and to just wait on all the Jay-Zs of the world to have baby girls or to become mature (most never, ever do) before they stop calling bw the B-word, but most of the black girls and bw in the war zones under attack would NOT agree--that is, if they were in their right minds. However, many of them have been so traumatized by these relentless attacks until they're not in their right minds. And some of them think it's normal and/or think the b-word is a term of endearment. Some of them actually adore hearing themselves being referred to as the b-word and h-word. That's proof right there of their trauma.

I want to bring attention to a couple of nuances here. Remember that black girls and bw are traumatized due to the usual everyday type micro-aggressions and insults due to sexism and racism, and then there is a specific set of these that come out of a racio-misogyny aimed ONLY at black girls and bw, especially those with a certain phenotype. Those are the black girls and bw who get shot at the most and with the most frequency and with the worst verbiage and/or physical attacks.

So, it's important for me to fully express how I feel about this issue and that's why I'm doing it here on my site. Some bw like me (and there are a few others aside from me) take their self-interests and protection seriously. Other bw obviously don't mind being savaged by bm or don't want whites to know about it when it occurs, and I sincerely wish there were a way to fully separate all bw like me from that other type of bw who has made a decision to remain quiet.

Let me make myself clear: If ANY person is savaging me and mine, I want ANYBODY from ANY ethnic, racial, religious, cultural or any other grouping to help me to behead that attacker, and I wouldn't care whether my attacker were even MY son because he's obviously out-of-control.

I repeat: if my son is out of control to the point where he is savaging me publicly or privately, I want somebody to hurry up and take him down. This is COMMON SENSE! He is obviously out of control, so why would I want him left alone to come to his senses on his own or in his own time because that might or might not EVER happen, and by the time it does happen (IF it happens), I may not even be alive or I could have been ground into the dirt--emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. And more than likely, he has also attacked others

This is exactly what's happened to many AA girls and women who have been savaged by these foul mouthed creatures running amuck out there for years. This is all some young black girls and bw have known. They grew up thinking that the b-word and h-word were their first name, and I'm not exaggerating. Yet, so many traumatized AA females have tried to 'grin and bear it' because they've been indoctrinated to believe that if a black boy or bm savages you, you're supposed to be able to shrug it off because "he didn't have a daddy."

While I was going to college and grad school, I was called the b-word just walking down the streets in NYC,(as many other women were and are) and it always occurred when a bm couldn't get the type of response he wanted from me. Fortunately, for me, I didn't grow up in that urban environment and knew those males were DBRs and knew they were ill. So of course, I never accepted that the b-word or h-word was my name, so it never became a normal part of life for me or an endearment. And I was able to get away from that type of savage environment within a few years.

I remember that I once dated a higher-income AA man who called me the b-word when I decided to go to see the Alvin Ailey Dancers in DC with my cousin instead of waiting for him to decide whether he was going to buy the tickets to take me. We all know that the really good seats get sold out fast, so, I went ahead and bought the tickets for myself and my bm cousin and we went. When this guy found out, he called me the b-word, and that was the end of the relationship as far as I was concerned. He called every day during the following weeks to apologize, saying he didn't mean it and that he was just mad at me. And yeah, he used the "I didn't have a daddy, so I never saw bm treating bw the way you expect to be treated," excuse too. In general, he thought I was an "uppity" bw and had accused me several times prior to this of "trying to act like a white woman." He'd even told me once: "You're a bw; you know you're not used to being taken out to dinner." He couldn't believe that I have always had a good standard of living. He still wanted me--"uppity" or not.

I'm just trying to explain some instances where some AA women get called the "b-word." The list of reasons is exhaustive though. These have been some of my experiences. This may not be typical, but this happened to me.

To whites and other non-AAs reading this, you can't imagine how many times I've heard the "he didn't have a daddy" song, when I've questioned other AAs about bm's foul behavior. This song is sung to excuse practically anything and everything a black boy or bm does to a black female. However, if or when a black boy or bm attacks another black male verbally or otherwise, I've noticed that the tune changes abruptly. The tune changes to "Beatdown Time." LOL! It also changes when bm attack ww or wm because bm know that when they even think about savaging whites, whites do not care about whether there was a daddy. Also most AA women will go into war mode to retaliate when other bw attack them. The only time bw accept the excuses, reasons, explanations, etc. is when bm attack them--BECAUSE "he didn't have a daddy."

So the "he didn't have a daddy" excuse is really an okey-doke aimed almost entirely at AA women because AA women are the only ones who pay attention to that nonsense for more than a minute or accept it and remain quiet about their assaults.

When C. Dolores Tucker, who was an old-school bw like me, denounced foul mouthed rappers and tried to get them squelched, the black community trashed and dismissed her as being anti-bm or "out of touch." Whenever, a bw denounces bm for foul behavior of any type, this is what happens to her. The same thing happened to Alice Walker when she wrote about bm's violent behavior towards bw. So, I realize that people will accuse me of hating bm simply because I talk about or "out" the behavior of far too many bm towards bw.

But what a lot of non-AAs don't understand is exactly WHY do so many AA women outright or even seemingly try to protect bm or minimize their offenses--even when bw are their only target!!!! For ex., are bm publicly calling ww, Asian women, and Hispanic women the b-word? Can someone send me a link to an account where this has ever occurred. And if so, how frequent is it? When bm argue about their "right" to call bw the "b-word," does this "right" extend to non-bw?

Non-AAs simply can't understand why so many AA women who don't have, to are willing to take all of this off AA males/men. This is one key reason why even highly educated, accomplished AA women are viewed as not being smart by some non-AAs--including other black ethnics-- as indicated in the article above. I've talked about this many times. These AA women are saying that some people don't treat them like they're smart. LOL! I don't exactly know what that mean.

I can't personally say I've ever felt that I was being treated like I'm not smart. I mean I've never felt "not smart" even though others may very well have thought that about me. LOL! So, as long as I don't think it, it doesn't matter to me.

I do know that some people in other groups (including other black ethnics) do wonder about the intelligence level of AA women. It's because too many AA women have too much that is out of balance in their PERSONAL lives which is due in many cases to their sad/sick relationships with men.

For ex., why would SO MANY "smart" women have such tawdry relationships with men? It's not the fact that there are some of these tawdry relationships because a certain number of bad relationships exist in every group; it's the high percentage of them or the lack of relationships period which keeps people focused on AA women's romantic lives. I mean, even Gayle King (Oprah's girlfriend) claims that she can't get a date! Can anyone name a ww, Asian woman, or Hispanic woman on that level who complains that she can't get a date. Please send me the link. And if Gayle actually can't get a date, why does she broadcast it? Can someone explain why to me? Is it sympathy she wants or is she asking for a man in the viewing audience to come and date her or is this her gimmick? For ex. there used to be a wm comedian whose gimmick was: "I can't get respect," and he'd say that with such a forlorn face until everyone would fall out laughing.

So, I realize that this is why I was pulled into this discussion by the wm blogger about this "b-word" nonsense, but this is exactly why I've written over and over that any typical AA woman you encounter is likely to have been indoctrinated to be a bm protectionist. My position is that these males only target bw for their insults because they know that bw have no defense and will actually accept and find excuses for them peeing on them and otherwise traumatizing them. A larger number of bw than you might think will protect these males from anyone who gets involved to stop them just like some battered women will not press charges against their battering boyfriend or husband or will actually try to fight the police officer who may come to arrest the man.

However, I'm not a typical bw; I am PAB.

As many of us say repeatedly, AA women are not a monolith. Some of us are VERY different than the others. I respect many AA women and love some of them (and have encouraged like-minded ones of them to support each other, especially when they're uplifting bw), but I realized that AA women ARE often their own worst enemy and they can therefore easily become MY worst enemy--if I allow it. I say that because if a bw doesn't care whether a bm destroys her and those bw she may love, then she DEFINITELY doesn't care if he destroys me and mine. Many bw will deny this, but I believe that many ARE willing to sacrifice a lot and in some cases their very lives fighting to protect practically ANY bm--not just their boyfriend or a husband. That's indoctrination. That's why I wrote a few essays a few years ago where I referred to typical AA women as "suicide bombers." Trust me. I know a lot of bw suicide bombers right now.

So, whereas I'm ready to figuratively behead a bm who calls me or another bw the "b-word," I know that at this point, many of those same bw would try to hurt me first. This is one of the main reasons why I've pretty much washed my hands of AA women and their issues with AA men. They'll just have to fight it out or die trying or just become extinct, which is rapidly happening. No one wants to come out and say it, but that's exactly what's happening, daily.

But personally speaking, YES, I most definitely want ANYONE to intervene and totally stop attackers from attacking me.

And while I'm on the subject, I feel the exact same way about the use of the N-word. I would walk out of any room where ANY black person tried to argue that it's okay to use the N-word in any context. I refuse to be around people of that type. I actually cut off my relationship with a bw professional who tried to explain to me during a phone conversation that it's okay for blacks to use that among "us." I told her, "I'm not one of YOU! Goodbye!"

It saddens me to say that I think that indoctrinated AA women have become some of the most cowardly women on earth--at this point. I guess their cowardice is a by-product of the indoctrination and the trauma, so even when they're under attack, they refuse to fight back like they mean it. I'm not from that camp. If I want someone to stop attacking me, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stop them. I don't care whether the attacker had a daddy or a mommy or anything else, and I would love it if someone else intervenes to stop them. It simply doesn't matter because this is how humans learn NOT to attack others. CONSEQUENCES. Anything else is hot air. Period.

FlashPost: "Red Tails" & the Drip-Drip-Drip and Maria McKenzie's Book: "The Governor's Son"

2012-01-20T13:13:05-08:00

I am VERY happy to present to my readers this video from author, Maria McKenzie, where she talks about and reads from her captivating interracial novel: "The Governor's Son".

The book is available on Amazon for Kindle and at Barnes and Noble. Shucks! Why aren't book like this one made into movies????

She and her husband, Richard, are on our SLICE of life. Also, pls scroll to the bottom of this post and read how they met. They've been married now for 17 years and have 2 children.

Bw-Wm couple in David's Bridal Video AD CLICK link Thanks, CA!

This morning, Darren (as he has done 95% of the mornings since we were married) got up at 6:30 a.m. or so, went downstairs, made coffee and brought it up to me where I was still lying in our toasty, warm bed. MMMMM LOL! I always drink my coffee with soy milk which he pours into a small pitcher and brings along on the tray. Actually, I would make the coffee sometimes, but he doesn't trust me to make it. Darren is a super easy guy to live with, but he's a stickler when it comes to making the coffee. He's a coffee fiend, so it has to be made just right. So, I don't dare even try!

So we sat and sipped silently for a few minutes. I was tired so I stayed in bed a bit longer than usual. But before I got out of bed, he asked me whether I wanted to go and see the George Lucas-produced movie, "Red Tails" about the black Tuskeegee Airmen. I told him "No." I told him I preferred instead to see the movie produced and starred in by Queen Latifah: "JOYFUL NOISE." I've heard from a few sources that "Joyful Noise" is an excellent movie that is fun and very enjoyable. It also features at least one black woman in an interracial relationship with a wm who pursues her, in a "normal" way. However, there are also a number of other bw in the movie plus I always liked Dolly Parton (ww country singer and actress).

Alyssa and Scott (Just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary) CONGRATS!! They have 1 son. (See this couple's picture in the Typical Couples' Gallery.)

I'll stick the pic in the gallery at bit later, Alyssa. I hope the years have--to use an old Alabama expression--'agreed' with y'all. LOL!

Readers, remember, I'm sticking more and more pics straight into the galleries. I stuck Alyssa's and Scott's pic here because of their recent anniversary.

_______

Re a bw being romantically pursued in a respectful "normal" way, well, Wow! That is such a rare depiction in popular culture or in everyday life--for a man to pursue or "court" a bw in a "normal "way--based on what I read, see, catch glimpses of, hear, etc. So why do so many bw support movies, TV shows, etc. where bw receive no tenderness, are called "b's" and "h''s" and get treated like slutty pieces of meat or aggressive, loudmouth behemoths--or are invisible or non-existent, as in "Red Tails."

Just received this note from BW. Thanks, BW. I know you're simply trying to keep me informed about happenings involving those on the BWIIM&R SLICE.

I just wanted to drop you an email to say hello and also wanted to know if you could mention on your site (I don’t think I saw it on there) that George Lucas ‘s (Melody Hobson’s awesome [significant other]) movie “Red Tails” is being released to theaters today. Thanks.

Re: "RED TAILS" movie--My Response to BW:

I'm curious? Is there a black woman co-starring or prominently featured in this movie at all--as the mother, the wife, girlfriend, sister, etc. depicted in a positive way? We all know that those men wouldn't have been anything without bw playing a prominent role in their lives, so hopefully that is a key part of the movie. And if not, I'm honestly not interested in mentioning it (or at least not encouraging anyone to see or support it). It simply won't promote our (bw's) interests.

And y'all know me. I believe that bw must focus almost exclusively on promoting and protecting OUR interests because unlike other groups of women, AA women, for sure, don't have large numbers of men waiting in line to marry us, slash others down to protect us, or scale mountains and swim seas as many men of other races and ethnic groups are still very willing to literally do for the women in their group.

Yet bw are supposed to support this movie???????????????????? Precisely WHY?

This is a excerpt I took from this black man's review at http://politic365.com/2012/01/20/a-red-tails-review-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly-truth/

"The only female character in the entire film is an Italian woman named Sophia that Lightening starts kicking it with. Unlike just about any other war film ever made NONE of the other characters have a sweetheart at home or a wife or kids etc. I’ve met a few Tuskegee Airmen, lots of them had a nice sista at home that they were writing to and hoping to come back home and marry, but apparently this wasn’t a part of the plan for Red Tails. Therefore the only love in the film is interracial, and forced at that."

Yet bw are supposed to support this movie???????????????????? WHY?

Before I saw this review, I wondered about bw characters or the same thing. My concern is the total lack of bw in the movie, and in particular: bw of any age featured in a positive, uplifting way, not necessarily a sexual or romantic one.

Yet bw are supposed to support this movie???????????????????? WHY?

Btw, I don't think that a bw should be on the big or small screen AT ALL if she's not depicted in a positive, appealing way.

But, let's examine this. In virtually any movie about white men in war or whatever, ww are always featured as the love interest (sometimes, maybe even in a picture that the white soldier is carrying that he gazes at longingly or he or someone else mentions her) or viewed as being worthy of love and appreciation in some kind of way. When you add up all of those ways in which ww are positively featured or viewed positively by men, altogether, it creates a portrait of ww as very lovable, desirable women--and overwhelmingly so by BOTH many white and non-white men.

Let me make myself clear: I do NOT blame wm AT ALL for upholding, promoting ww as the 'most beautiful and most worthy of them all." That's NORMAL.That would be like blaming me for thinking that my children are the most wonderful children in the world. LOL! They just ARE and they always will be UNLESS they made it clear that they regard me in a foul, less-than way.

So, ww get the lion's share of the female accolades (positive drip-drip and more postive drips in the social romantic and otherwise positive capital bucket) while bw support others bigtime even when bw, in general, are invisible or featured negatively. That's a drip-drip-drip leaking out bw's social/romantic/positive capital bucket, sliding away from bw.

And bw, in aggregate, can blame no one for most of this--THESE days--but themselves because people know what YOU support and what you don't BECAUSE the way YOU spend your $$$$$ tells them that loudly and clearly. It doesn't matter what a person says with their mouth.

So, in a very direct way, this is one of those "bw sinking themselves" notes that I'm responding to, but it's not an obvious bw-sinker. I realize that BW (the note sender) didn't think that it was a bw-sinker because many, many AA women, for sure, do not understand the numerous ways in which they contribute to their own drip-drip-dripping away--out of sight--or being women whose opinions and feelings are not considered important. So the note-sender sounded thrilled that this movie that features NO bw is on the big screen. I don't know whether BW is a black woman, but if so, why would this make her happy?

Yes, black people participate in many areas of life in American where their likeness and even the most positive aspects of what's known as AA culture is not reflected or not approved of and we often feel like we've been cancelled out in those situations. I've felt that way many times, but I would never "pay" to go to those places--when I know in advance. Almost always, those places are paying me or rewarding me in some significant way, so if I go, I get PAID.

Y'all can jump up and down and scream all kind of cuss words at me, but the bottom line is that IF the 2 AA men who wrote the movie had considered bw and bw's feelings to be important, there would have been bw in the movie, in a contextual way. YET, bw are expected to pay to come to see it. They would have to pay ME! LOL!

I CAN give George Lucas a pass on this rendering of bw's presence as unimportant in this movie because he doesn't KNOW how bw feel, in general. Just because a wm has a bw girlfriend or wife doesn't mean he knows or has internalized the collective unconscious of black/AA women. And a bw girlfriend or wife can't be on a white boyfriend's or husband's shoulder 24-7 directing him in all of his dealings with the sensitivities and sensibilities of bw. LOL! And the fact is that George Lucas has done magnanimous things for the bc--moneywise and otherwise.

Bw have to become much, much, MUCH more shrewd and keep a keen eye out for those critical NUANCES and NOT willy-nilly support anything just because it has blacks in it. I personally do NOT support or promote anything that I can detect doesn't promote bw in a positive way because I know it will most likely come back directly or indirectly to bite ME in the butt and I will be the loser. But I don't broadcast my non-support; I just don't support it.

And I'm PAB (passing as "black"), so if I'm analyzing things to see what might possibly come back to bite me since I appear to be "black," then you "black to the bone" bw who consider the bc to be your one and only "home" KNOW you need to keep your brain cells whizzing. I don't know about you or any other bw, but I simply cannot AFFORD to support or promote anything that doesn't show or promote how wonderful and worthy I am (LOL!) AND protect my interests.

Yes, my father was a veteran, but he loved his mother and various other bw and he SHOWED it. He incurred a lifelong, debilitating injury, while fighting in a war for this country. But he never slighted bw, and I always knew he was very proud of me.

_________________________________

Maria and Richard McKenzie's Story

My marriage has inspired me to write tales of forbidden love. My name
is Maria McKenzie, and years ago, I was a librarian. It wasn’t until
after getting married that I became a writer, and my marriage is what
led me to begin writing in the first place. I am the author of a
forbidden love story entitled The Governor’s Sons
(http://www.amazon.com/The-Governors-Sons-ebook/dp/B005WMLA6E/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1326760760&sr=8-2).
But before I published that novel, I wrote another one called
Unchained.

Unchained is a story about a slave girl who is helped to escape from
bondage by a young abolitionist who falls in love with her. I came up
with this story idea when I began thinking how sad it would have been
if my husband and I had fallen in love 200 years ago. Back then, we
wouldn’t have been able to marry, because he’s white, and I’m black.

Interracial love isn’t forbidden nowadays, but it still tends to be a
sticky topic. So let me tell you about how I met my husband. When I
passed the age of 30, my mother had given up hope that I’d ever get
married, and she used to tell me all the time, you’ll never meet
anybody sitting in your apartment.

She was right, but I was a librarian—and an introvert by nature. I’d
do public service all week, and on the weekends, I enjoyed staying
home and reading books. But I finally did discover something that got
me out of the house more—running!

It was a little hard at first, but I finally got pretty good and built
up my endurance. After a few months, I started running about 5-7
miles every day after work. And about a year later, my future
husband, Richard noticed me.

But he’d only see me one day a week, on Thursdays, when my work
schedule was 12 noon to 9 pm. On those days I’d run at 7 in the
morning. He couldn’t figure out where I’d come from, and he’d only
see me sporadically.

Weeks passed, and he told his sister, Suze about me, and when they
took a trip to the Grand Canyon, he bought jewelry for me from an
Indian reservation—even though he’d never even met me! Suze laughed.
“What if she’s married?” But this didn’t deter Richard. “I’ve looked
closely,” he replied. “I haven’t seen anything sparkling on her ring
finger.”

As time passed, he kept telling his good friend Kevin about me. But
Kevin got sick of hearing him go on and on and finally said, “I don’t
want to hear anything about her again unless you ask her out!”

Then finally, one Friday evening in the summer, Richard saw me
running. He was on his way to meet Kevin at a pub. But the only way
he’d mention me again to Kevin was to ask me out. So Richard pulled
his car over to the sidewalk where I was jogging and said, “Excuse
me.”

I stopped. Living in Cary, North Carolina, a bedroom community to
those who worked in Research Triangle Park, it wasn’t unusual for
someone driving a car to stop and ask a runner for directions.

Just as I was wondering where this guy was trying to go he said, “I’ve
seen you running.” Well at that comment, I figured he was some know
it all jock who wanted to tell me my technique was all wrong. I was
prepared to thank him and be on my way—and not take his advice because
I’d read Jim Fixx’s book on running, and I knew all I needed to know
about running. (Jim Fixx died while running, but we won’t go there.)
The next thing Richard said just fell out of his mouth. He didn’t
even take a breath and it really caught me off guard. “I just want to
tell you that I think you’re extremely attractive, and I want to ask
you to lunch.”

I was rather shocked to hear this, Richard’s handsome with beautiful
green eyes. The eyes are the mirror to the soul, and his looked
honest. I’d also glanced down into his car from where I was standing
and noticed that his legs were long. Handsome, tall, and bold—just to
pull over and ask me out.

So, Richard seemed like a nice enough guy, but despite this I jested,
“Okay, as long as you’re not a rapist or an ax murderer. At this he
replied, “Oh, no, no! I’m just a regular guy, I live right here,” he
pointed to his apartment complex about an eighth of a mile away, “and
I work in the Park.”

Employed in RTP! I took his business card. But then I was caught off
guard again when he said, “So can I have your number?” I hesitated,
but his eyes looked so sweet, I gave it to him.

We both love Indian food, so our first date was at an Indian
restaurant. Now, I’ve been mistaken for a lot of things, so I wanted
to make sure Richard knew I was black, and not Egyptian, Greek, or
something else, so he wouldn’t freak out. So, during the course of
our first date, I said, “You do know I’m black?” A look of surprise
crossed his face. “No,” he said, “you mean that doesn’t wash off.”

He cooked for me on our second date, and made one of the best meals
I’ve ever had. Things were getting serious at this point. After 2
dates, we really liked each other, and my mom was pleased to know that
I was dating a really nice guy. She didn’t mind him being white, but
she was concerned that he could cook. After telling her about the
grilled salmon, asparagus and rice pilaf, she said, “Are you sure he
doesn’t have a little sugar in him?” Translation, “Are you sure he’s
not gay?” He’s not!

I cooked for our next date. I was vegetarian then, so I made this
wonderful casserole with veggies, cashews, and my favorite
ingredient—mushrooms! The salad I served was jam packed with
mushrooms, as well. Richard cleaned his plate and told me how
delicious everything was. I didn’t learn until months later that he
hates mushrooms. In fact, he’s petrified of mushrooms and claims to
be mentally allergic to them!

When he told his mother that he’d eaten mushrooms on our date, she was
shocked. “For you to eat mushrooms, you must really like her,” his
mom said. “So, what does she look like?” she asked. To this Richard
replied, “She’s an—extreme brunette,” and left it at that.

We met in July, and by September we were talking about getting
married. Now, around this time, he’d gotten information about his
10th high school reunion and he’d invited me to go. This meant I’d get
to meet his parents. However, he still hadn’t told them everything
about me, like that I’m black.

So, unbeknown to me, the day before we were to arrived, he called his
parents. “By the way,” he said, “More than just Maria’s hair is
extreme brunette—she’s black.” Now, I wasn’t privy to this
conversation, but I’m sure there were a few long moments of dead air.
I didn’t even know this conversation took place until we’d been
married a few years. I’d just assumed he’d told them from the get go,
but no—he had to shock them the day before our arrival!

I suppose whatever he told them about me put their minds at ease,
because our first meeting was a very pleasant one!

Richard and I met in July of 1994 and married in July of 1995. So
seventeen years and two kids later, my mother was right--getting out
of my apartment got me a wonderful husband! And my interracial
marriage also opened up a brand new career for me as a writer!

Many thanks to Eve, for letting me share my story!

Please visit my website at www.mariamckenziewrites.com.
Maria McKenzie Author of The Governor's Sons

Sample or purchase The Governor's Sons:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Governors-Sons-ebook/dp/B005WMLA6E/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1318938601&sr=1-5

www.barnesandnoble.com
Web site: mariamckenziewrites.com
YouTube Book Reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnMMPBNTWpA

BWIIM&R SLICE: SLICE News and My Take on This and That

2012-01-15T08:31:40-08:00

Click on the links to find out what's happening on the SLICE!

Engaged: Audra McDonald (Tony Award-winning actress) and Will Swenson (actor) . Thanks for this link, ML!

Married:1- Allison Vann and Craig Bowman - Washington Post

2 - Katie Rost weds James Orsini - Washington Post

Thanks for these links, EA!

Recent NORDSTROM AD with bw-wm couple. These images in advertising influence HUGE numbers of people and on a very deep level!! Thanks for this :-)!

This particular ad is a GOOD type of influence because it erodes barriers between human beings. Barriers between human beings are the MAJOR source of all human conflict and I think it's clear by now that if these barriers continue, humans won't survive as a species.

This is why I've religiously worked against anyone instilling these barriers in my sons. There's nothing that I react to more strongly than that because that's a type of secretly seeping poison for life.

So, I'm an advocate for the removal of ALL UNwholesome barriers or those that lessen positive human interaction between consenting "adults." However, I realize that when the term 'consenting adults' is used, many people automatically think about sex. LOL! Since I know that, I'll eleborate.

I emphasize 'consenting ADULTS' here because I don't think that there's anything too bad to do to an adult who preys on an underage person or a child. I'm anti-dealth penalty, however, if there's any group of adults who would cause me to change my mind, it's adults who sexually prey on children or minors.

I think that we need to stop tap-dancing about this, as I hear and read so many adults doing--that is, until their child or a child they care about is preyed on!

Children and underage teens CANNOT EVER consent to sex. We KNOW how easily swayed underage people are because just look at how easily manipulated many fully-grown adults are by Madison Avenue!!!!! Even highly intelligent people who are very much above the age of adulthood get scammed everyday by other adults, so how dare anyone say that a child knew what they were doing???? So to even try to claim that a 15-year old male or female teenager "agreed" to have sex with an adult male or female puts you in the" possible predator" category for me. I'm saying that I'd make sure that you weren't around my own children or I'd point out to my children that you just might be a possible predator--IF you made that claim in our vicinity. For instance, I'm very wary of any adult who tries to argue that just because a 12 or 14 year old girl, for ex., is well developed or liked the attention of men, that she was "asking for it." Nope, that adult male is a predator if he responds sexually to that child, and anyone who argues that he's not totally responsible for his actions, is a possible predator, IMO.

GAMEFLY Ad featuring bw-wm family on Youtube

Thanks, AB for the video LINK!

We also should just admit that many people who are legally adults should NOT be having sex, because they're not capable of handling the consequences. Left up to me, the "age of consent" for sex would probably be about 25. LOL!

Anyway, Madison Avenue could be extremely useful toward this end of removing barriers, if ads like this one prove to be profitable. Remember that the money trail drives virtually everything in a capitalistic society and in most other societies that claim they hate capitalism. LOL! So, this is why I encourage those on the BWIIR&M SLICE to support stores and other businesses that feature or reflect us. Shop with them and WRITE to them, letting them know that you've noticed and that you will spend your money with them and you will encourage others to do the same--which is exactly what I'm doing by showing and writing about these ads here.

Mad. Ave is a multi-billion dollar industry because they are VERY effective at selling, which actually means separating people from MOST of their money. LOL! If most Americans are virtually broke, in debt, or with small or no savings accounts, it's mainly due to the effectiveness of Madison Avenue.

Mind you, I'm NOT blaming Madison Ave. It does what it's supposed to do.

From my observations and readings, the low-savings rate among many Americans or outright poverty is not nearly so much due to lack of money, but to MISuse of money.

Why isn't there a major industry or thrust in this society to teach people the VALUE of hanging onto their money? Well, there is in certain small segments of certain cultures, but not among most others--because this is a capitalistic society. If you don't use common sense and discipline everyday, you and your money will soon be parted.

This VALUE (of using money wisely) is noticeably NOT there among many lower income people and/or people who think that they don't measure up in some way, and these two often intersect. I'm just mentioning these two groups, but there are others. It is much easier for Mad. Avenue to separate people in certain categories from their money than it is for them to succeed with ease at this with other categories of people because Mad. Ave.--and some others--are keenly aware of the values of people in various segments of society. I KNOW I'm not supposed to say that low income people often misuse their money. LOL! I know I'm supposed to campaign for more lower income people to make more money. However, I've not believed more money to be an effective remedy against poverty and blighted lives for a long time because I've noticed that many lower income people greatly misuse their money AND their time. I've worked with lower-income whites, blacks, and Hispanics.

Some may say that instead of pointing out what lower income people do wrong, why not point out what they could do right. Okay. The overwhelmingly most effective weapon against poverty is more knowledge or I should say more APPLIED knowledge. The main reason why many lower income people (these days) spend gobs of their money or all of it (which enriches others) is because many of them believe they don't measure up.

I'm not saying that only lower income people do this or are the only ones who do it for this reason. The main reason why lower income people are focused on in this respect and in others is because when lower-income people lack money for vital necessities, others of us are called on to help them out. Let's face it. When a middle or upper income person lacks money for vital necessities, no one expects the rest of us to have sympathy for them or go running to help them out, or not personally or out-of-pocket.

I've noticed that American culture is one that teaches huge numbers of people that there is something wrong with them, that they don't "measure up" in some way. But the "solution" for not measuring up can always be bought and is available at local stores or can be ordered. LOL! Madision Avenue is a supremely effective agent at teaching that there's something wrong with most of us AND at advertising how and where the solution can be bought.

In response to my comment in my last post about the harm from using chemicals inside and outside our bodies, MM sent me this video, which proves this point. THANKS, MM because this feeds right into the point I'm making about Mad. Ave. This video features a bw, but women of ALL groups consume and apply a gazillion chemicals or use other means to get rid of or alter what's supposedly wrong with them.

Skin Bleaching Video

I would NOT judge this woman. She is not preying on anyone else. So I ask y'all pls don't judge her. Even if you do judge her, just keep it to yourself. Or just think about the poison YOU may be using. It's easy for some to judge her because they've never experienced her hell, her reality. She has simply been poisoned in a certain way and has found relief from her poison by doing what she does. Be thankful that you don't share her reality or find it necessary to seek that type of relief.

IMO, she and many other women (of all groups) who use poisonous chemicals and other extreme measures (surgery, etc.) to alter their natural selves "to get attention" are playing with deadly poisons, but that's another story that whole volumes are already written about.

This is just ONE type of poison that some women use or consume, because many women have been taught that somehow we don't measure up in this way or that way, so someone "out there" has the antidote, and it can be bought. LOL!

Sugar is also a chemical--a drug. So, why aren't sugar-users or those who become unealthily overweight from excessive use of it also criticized the way someone who uses bleaching cream is criticized? Madision Avenue is also an agent in many people becoming addicted to sugar and then it turns around and advertises ways to lose the weight. SMH. Mad. Avenue is simply a tool and like most other tools, it can used to help or harm people. It all depends on WHO is profiting.

The bottom line is that some drugs and chemicals are heavily approved or endorsed by society and others are not--depending on the users and those who stand to profit. However, chemicals themselves are not politically correct or discriminatory; they don't care who they destroy.

A note from a bw married to an Asian man:

Hi Eve:

I stumbled on your website at midnight while surfing the net. I was looking for good pics of r&b singer Jon B...I found one of him and his wife and it lead me to your page. Very interesting indeed! I'm a 48 yr old black woman who's been married to my husband for 17 years, he is Asian. I'll tell you, it's been an amazing journey. I wish a website like yours existed when I was growing up. Please add me to your list of subscribers. Thanks!!

BWIIM&R SLICE: Is Marriage Necessary for a Woman--Like Me? YES!

2012-01-07T07:06:55-08:00

I will make a few changes in the site in the next few days and year. Among these are a new banner and a new slant. I will discuss the new slant below. First . . .

Mellody Hobson ("Good Morning America" Investment Guru) and longtime Partner, George Lucas (reputed almost- billionaire "Star Wars" Creator) at an exclusive New Year's Eve island bash to which only the super rich were invited.

Thanks, SB for the link! You can just tell that these 2 are a committed couple. LOL!

LINK

SB said: "Notice the pics . . . especially the one at the bottom where he is carefully seeing to her welfare by wrapping her up in a towel on the yacht taking them back to their hotel!

Also notice her natural look with her braids."

Thanks, SB, for pointing out her hairstyle. I usually don't notice a bw's natural hair. Since I've worn my hair naturally for decades, I consider natural hair "normal." I tend to mostly notice a bw's hair a LOT more when it's chemically straightened. LOL!

More about this later, which I'll express below. No criticisms of bw about their hair though, but I do have a few thoughts I want to lay out here.

And yes, I love the tenderness he's showing her. Most women love, love, love those little tender touches. LOL! I'd say to any woman that if her man doesn't do things like that for her naturally (since SOME men learn from their backgrounds to express this kind of tenderness and some don't), a woman should tell him or teach a QLL man to do this. It's little romantic touches like that that endear a man to a woman. Those little touches will cause many women to love her man even more and make her want to satisfy him in various ways.

____________________________________

Okay . . . 0ver five years ago, I started blogging about my intercultural/interracial relationships, my intercultural and interracial minglings, marriages, and the life I've lived and continue to live on the Black Women Intercultural/Interracial Marriage&Relationship (BWIIM&R) SLICE of life. I've always kept a journal of sorts, so blogging about some of my thoughts, experiences about that SLICE and about a broad range of related topics was the perfect fit for me. . . .

[Geraldine and James met online a couple of years ago, and are now married.]

. . . I haven't written nearly as much as I'd like about my broad-ranging personal perspectives since I took a detour and highlighted many of the issues that various other segments of bw grapple with in their lives. I've missed writing about MY perspectives about whatever.

So I will shift the EZINE'S focus starting with this post to the following broad areas (and possibly a few others).

(1) I will get back to sharing my perspectives about whatever--not about what some of YOU may have asked me to write about. LOL! I really enjoyed capturing MY thoughts and experiences in my blog when I first started, so there's no reason not to continue it now. Of course, I could choose to focus on the dismal and the dreary, but I can just as easily choose NOT to cover that. What we focus on is a choice we each make--from moment to moment.

I, therefore, ask you again NOT to send me any kind of news, links, videos, etc. re bm and bw tussling it out in their relationships, either pre, during, or post. I'm also not interested in news about indoctrinated bw sinking as a result of engaging in the tussle or sinking after she's lost the tussle or any kind of news about delusionary bw. I've dedicated 5 years now toward outfitting my indoctrinated sisters with a mentality that would guarantee them a better way of life, but I've always realized that bw are far from monolithic and we weren't all destined to have the same or even a similar fate.

Shannon and Geir

So PLEASE don't send me the dismal and drearies. It will be a hard habit for some of you to break your fixation on that kind of "news" but I've told you many times that there's no point in beating a dead horse. You can CHOOSE to stay there and beat it, and watch it rot OR you can CHOOSE to walk away with a smile, grateful that you're one of the ones who learned it was dead, in time. It's YOUR choice. I'm thankful that I chose the latter group very early in my life. You can choose it today, if you' haven't already. At any rate, don't send it to me because I will ignore it.

(2) I will also report news and events concerning other inhabitants of this particular SLICE of life. We are a rapidly growing SLICE of the American population, for sure, so we want to read about us and see ourselves and our lives reflected online and in print, just like any other group of which we are a member.

(3) For all of you who've asked, yes you can now advertise your items here at the updated EZINE MALL. Please contact me for the details, which depend on the type and size of your ad.

(4) I will focus on writing "BUTTERFLITIA" using a serialized chapter format. I've wanted to write these stories for years. These will be serialized stories laced with suspense and light romance depicting black women as intelligent, purposeful, lighthearted, desirable women displaying butterflitia (butterfly) behavior. Most of the women live on the interracial/intercultural SLICE of life. In key ways, BUTTERFLITIA is a "parallel world" with huge chunks of the same world that some of us live in everyday. It consists of internal and external dimensions where many black women are able to live lives that differ remarkably from the ones typical bw live in the United States.

I think of BUTTERFLITIA as a place where some AA women already live, where others could live, or as they should live.

In writing these stories, I'm not making an attempt to write "great" literature. I plan to have fun while depicting a world that already exists (for some) with a slab of creative fancy thrown in.
Those who make a $2.95 donation to the site for each desired chapter can receive the chapters as they are written for their Kindle, Nook, iPad, iPhone, etc. in PDF form. This is the price of a comic book these days. Or wait until the entire series is complete and purchase the book.

(5) Given that BUTTERFLITIA will take up gobs of my time, I will continue to post all the news sent to me about the BWIIM&R SLICE, HOWEVER, I will not display nearly as many pics in my posts. I will instead stick pics in the IR photo albums located in the EZINE's sidebars. I will post LINKS to pics in my posts here, along with suitable videos, article links, notes from readers, etc. and share my perspectives about them when I see fit. I just won't take the time needed for managing the pics.

In other words, the main change with the pics is that I won't post as many pics INSIDE my posts, because that whole process sucks up lots of my time. I've already posted a gazillion pics and as I said, all such pics sent to me will be put in the photo albums or readers can simply follow the link to the site where the BWIR pics are posted as HERE. This is how I will handle many of the pics or links. Saves time!

Now I don't like the name of that site, but I realize that some people express themselves this way and it certainly will get attention. The point is that these bw mingle on the BWIIM&R SLICE, so I post the link here, and as long as they're VETTING these men and looking out for their health, safety, and interests--'first and foremost', I'm not mad at them. LOL! I, too, did "research" before I married. THANKS for the link, NR!

ABOUT MARRIAGE--

Okay, I mentioned above that I would begin talking about some of the benefits and joys of marriage. I've been married most of my life and I've enjoyed being married practically every single day, all of these years. I got divorced from a man who I will always respect and be fond of, but I married again to a QLL man because I really like being married. IF a woman is in an averagely satisfying marriage (ASM), there are tremendous benefits for her of various types. One of the benefits of being in an ASM for a woman is that you have another adult who is LEGALLY vested in promoting and protecting your interests BECAUSE your interests have become his interests also.

This gives any woman a layer of security that is immeasureable. This layer of security spreads throughout her life. So, even while you're asleep or even when you may be as angry as heck at him, he simply cannot afford to NOT promote and protect your interests. Of course, the assumption here is that your husband is a reasonably intelligent, emotionally well-adjusted QLL man.

And this is a 2-way street; marriage favors a man in an ASM for the SAME reason. This is just ONE of the many reasons why research shows that married people in ASMs are much better off emotionally, financially, healthwise, etc. than typical single people, in the long and short run. This is why in a society such as this one where traditional family ties are much weaker or non-existent in some cases, and extended families are a thing of the past, I'd think that MORE people would be attracted to marriage.

Who is going to "BE THERE" for YOU? Who is 'legally vested' in "being there" for you?

For ex., let's just say I've been dating or living with a man (who has refused to marry me). We've been dating or living together for more than enough time for him to marry me. Someone has won a lawsuit against him and he will have to pay thousands of dollars in damages or he could lose his house or go to jail or he's in danger of losing something else valuable. He's depressed and I feel bad for him, however, I'm not about to touch my 401K or other assets because he's simply my boyfriend. We're not married, so I would NOT touch my assets for a man who refuses to marry me or doesn't trust in me or our relationship enough to marry me. Of course, I might love him and hate the fact that someone has sued him, HOWEVER, I know that legally, my money can't be touched.

(And I, alike MOST human beings, have a SELF-preservation streak in them. LOL!) So, I'd say all of the right things to soothe him and may even offer to lend him a bit of the money (if he's been a QLL man to me), HOWEVER, I could just as well decide I don't want to do even that with a man who won't commit. As a woman with common sense, I know that's VERY risky for me because if a man refuses to marry me, he's telling me something very important, and I'm the type of woman who pays attention to a man's BEHAVIOR of love (or lack of it), not his words of love! LOL! So . . . .

However, IF he is my HUSBAND, I know that in most cases, I wouldn't have that choice because I know that legally, my assets would or might easily also be in jeopardy. So, we are in that tight spot TOGETHER. Therefore, I'd have a LEGALLY vested interest in helping him to minimize or avoid the damages, if at all possible. I would therefore burn that "midnight oil" WITH him, searching for a way out.

That's just one of many thousands of examples of the difference between being married to someone and simply being their "boo." Having another full-fledged, responsible adult LEGALLY vested in promoting and protecting your interests is a MAJOR plus. This is a form of WEALTH! Many people know this, but they don't actually come out and talk about this explicitly because this is just commonly understood in most segments of society. This is common sense.

This is just ONE of the many reasons why I KNEW I simply couldn't afford to remain single. I just couldn't afford it.

More about Hair--

The only other thing I'd point out about those hair altering chemicals and those that dye hair is that they are CHEMICALS. This doesn't just apply to bw or even just to women, but chemicals usually have a negative impact on people. Ask a chemist about that. No one, to my knowledge, has written about the adverse effect of prolonged use of those harsh hair-altering chemicals on women's health because billions of dollars are at stake. THINK about it!