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There was a time when "sin" (and, by means of sin, Satan) used the commandments ("thou shalt" or the prohibitions ("thou shalt not") as pretexts in order to give rise to desire in us, and along with desire, to sin (see Rom 7:7ff.). Now, after the advent of the grace of Christ, he is no longer able to use this pretext because God does not tell us what to do or not to do, but actually enters into doing or the refraining from doing with us. - Raniero Cantalamessa
It's been a long time since I've posted on here, and I'm not about to make any promises that I'll increase the frequency of doing so. I doubt my readership even exists at this point. Regardless, I was reading through some of my old entries and felt compelled to update this old thing.
If you ever want to experience the closest thing to seeing yourself from a third party perspective I recommend two things. One, write out your story. This includes everything, your failures and successes, your pain and your joy. Then take an honest look at the growth and grace you've experienced through the entire process. Two, ask close friends to tell you where they think you need a tune-up.
You'll come out more humble.
I've been doing both. It's difficult to look at some parts of my life as I'd rather leave them in the past. However doing so negates the beauty that can come from certain scars. I am amazed at how God's grace has been present in my life before I even knew it was. I am amazed by how much grace He extended even when I knew of it and abused it.
I've been looking at my life from the grand perspective of its entirety trying to make some sense of it. I have also spent some time reflecting over the past three years. Both have had benefits but I've seen more change in my life in the past three years than the past twenty seven.
I was walking with a good friend today and he talked about how he's seen me change since he's known me. We met when I first moved to Orlando. He has experienced many aspects of my personality and I have given him permission to speak into my life many times. He noted that I am no longer crude and that I'm not such a hard person anymore.
It's not that I was entirely insensitive, but almost. In the past I certainly would sit and "listen" to peoples problems, however I would be incessantly trying to fix them. It wasn't about them at all, it was about me. I couldn't be present in people's pain because I couldn't be present in my own. For years my solution to my pain was to tell myself to "suck it up" and I expected the same courtesy from everyone else. The reality was I never figured out how to deal with pain and so I decided that suppressing it was the most viable option. This lead me to resentment. I resented others when they were expressing their pain. I could not fathom how someone would have the audacity to do so. I would scream "suck it up" so loudly within myself that sometimes I would almost let it slip out. But instead I would "patiently" try to work through it with them and offer suggestions. My pithy suggestions were merely shoddy patch jobs to save face from ever having to look back at myself.
Eventually I made the decision to wade through my junk. It has been one of the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Looking through it is not quite the same if you do it by yourself. I have learned to invite people I trust into the process and most importantly Jesus. I look back at who I was just three years ago and I can't believe I considered myself a Christian then. If you asked me three years ago if I was willing to die for Jesus I would of said "yes" and believed it. I don't doubt my sincerity. I don't doubt the validity. I don't doubt that I was indeed walking in the footsteps of Messiah. I wasn't walking as closely as I am now.
Now I am covered in the dust of my rabbi's feet. Yet I have a deep sense that even a few years from now I will be shocked at how far I think I have come and how far there is still yet to go.
In it all, I am grateful that I've become a softer and more sincere person. I am grateful that I've truly learned to listen and be present with people without having to fix their pain or my own. I am grateful that Jesus offers continual on-going change for the rest of my life.
Many years ago I was driving in my car with an ex-girlfriend who had moved to Montreal but was home visiting for the summer. As we drove we were listening to the song "change" by Deftones. She asked me if I thought she had changed over the past year, I said yes. I asked her if she thought I had changed. Her response didn't matter. I vividly remember as the words came out of my mouth that deep within my being I knew that I had in fact changed. But it wasn't not for the better, I had digressed into a shadow of the person I once was instead of moving towards the person I could be.
May we continue to move towards the image of God.
The blogging begins again. I have a vision of what this can be ... more to come.
Well it appears to be time for another monthly entry. I've been up to no good apparently--or at least kept myself unfortunately busy to the point that I have no time for activities like this. None of which is true. I have been busy, however I've learned that my time can be better managed and that some things (such as my wife) are worth more time than say a blog.
The best news I have is that I was laid-off from my job at Relevant, for apparent "financial" reasons. Time will reveal the truth. Regardless the timing couldn't be better for me--some great opportunities on the work horizon that I can't get into right now. I was "let go" on Monday. So I've started to work through letting go what Relevant was, the frustrations that it cased me, and doing my best to forgive those responsible while at the same time acknowledging my part in the whole fiasco. All in all some anger has surfaced and I'm praying through it and doing my best to get to the heart of the matter.
I've been going to a men's bible study on my Wednesday mornings and we've started to delve into really interest questions, which are: 1. Are you exceeding the expectations of your vocation 2. Are you being wise with your money 3. Are you dealing with temptation? 4. How is your walk with God 5. Have you lied about any of these responses? Fortunately all these questions have helped me acknowledged what I just mentioned about anger, learning how to deal with it in healthy ways.. but also acknowledging what other areas of life it may be effecting. It's been great to have a group of men to encourage me in my walk with God and making sure that my relationship with God isn't compartmentalized but holistic.
On Tuesday evenings Julia and I goto a couples small group in which we've started studying the Gospel of John. We intended to go through chapter 1 this week, however conversation only allowed us to get half way. At this week it'll take us 40+ weeks to get through John, and I have no problem with that.
I was horribly ill for 10 days about a week ago. I am the biggest baby in the world when it comes to being sick. Despite being miserable God used the situation as a way for me to experience love with Julia in a different way--by being taken care of for the first time in our marriage. It was a great experience. We spent most of Easter in Jacksonville with Julia's family, came back Sunday to play at church & also goto a potluck with some great friends.
All in all, life is fantastic & God has provided in all situations regardless of what may appear to be a loss.
I had lunch today with a great friend and we talked about God and how He's moving in our lives. I left lunch feeling inspired and excited about being alive, I love these moments.
If you're ever bored, goto your local book store and check out the magazine section. If you buy, or read a copy of HOW, CMYK or Applied Arts you might just find some of my work.
I promise an experiment. Remove things out of your life that bring you comfort. I've observed a few things about myself. When I'm bored or sullen I tend to either eat or do something to entertain myself. It's easier to keep my mind busy than to examine what I'm feeling or what's on my heart. The problem, for me, is that I often do not know what the problem is. I'm absolutely content with what my life have to offer, I am grateful for the multitude of great friends I have, for such an incredible family, for my health. However at the core of my being I'm more or less sullen or sad most of the time.
So instead of using things to make myself feel better I've been sitting here feeling it. My roommate Alex posed a good question that I haven't stopped to ask myself in quite some time. If I were to have read everything I want to read, accomplished everything I wanted to do--then what? I don't really have any answer. I know what the image of the person I want to be is, the type of person I am, and the things I have to do to become closer to that image. But say, and this is extremely hypothetical, that I have that. That I've reached restoration with God and get to live life in fellowship with Him for eternity. What then? What does life look like?
But more importantly, in the meantime without that perfection without these accomplishments, what do I do?
Do I keep getting up at 8am, eating breakfast, going to work, and following the day in and out routine. Is a 9-5 lifestyle what I'm destined to do until my departure?
Things really aren't so bad. It's just a question that comes to me time and time again, and a question that I fail to answer.
Christmas time has started. It's surprising how over the past few decades it starts earlier and earlier on in the year. At first you don't notice but then a decade goes by and you can't help but wonder how Christmas starts right after Halloween. There's a great movie out called "What would Jesus buy". Watch it. It's disturbing how the general public perceives Christmas.
I look at the Bible and I see a book that talks about sacrifice. I think of God sacrificing His heart for His children. I think of Him dying so that we may be restored to fellowship with Him. I think about the Israellites in the wilderness trying to learn what it means to be 'holy for the Lord is holy'. I think about them bringing offerings to God. Peace offerings, wave offerings, sin offerings, guilt offerings, jealousy offerings, etc. I think about how good God is. He was providing Israel the offerings to offer to Him.
I think about these things and then I look at what Christmas has become. I think about how much we give and how much we spend. I see people thinking that there's some mystical correlation between love and the amount you spend on a gift. I see people lost and confused and discontent hoping to find rest. I see people in their ignorance going into insane amounts of debt.
I see behind all these things good intentions that have some how gone astray. Which leads me to ask. What are we giving God for Christmas? God is like that father who desires a present from His child, even if it's just a piece of cardboard with some felt marker. Sure he gave the child the toy that was contained int he cardboard, and even the felts--but what he's after is the heart.
We're talking about a God who would accept animals that he provided as a sacrifice. A God who made himself so little that he walked this earth as a human, and died for us. A God whose grace is so sufficient that in his most painful hour he poured out his forgiveness upon us.
So then, what can we give God this christmas? And what will He give us?
We can give God our misconception of love, and receive His.
We can give God our ignorance, and receive wisdom.
We can give God our discontentment and receive comfort.
We can give God our money and allow Him to use it to bless others.
But more importantly we have received life from the creator, and we should give that back to Him because it has never been ours to begin with. We should stop and take a hard look at how we've become enslaved to ourselves.
We are worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for.
God values us highly, even though we are broken and wretched.
May we see our worth from God's perspective, may we live in wisdom and freedom. May we redeem Christmas and restore it to a time of hope and true love, a love that brings peace and joy. May we be redeemed by the love Christ.
Contrary to popular belief, I am still alive. My portfolio is now live at unlogik.com, check it.