"Normal" Eating

Taking the Sting Out of No

2009-07-13T05:29:57-07:00

If your parents did a poor job of saying no to themselves when they needed to—with food, alcohol, material goods, etc.—you got short-changed on two counts. You missed out on having role models that teach self-restraint as part of good self-care, and you likely failed to receive appropriate comfort when you were told no or guidance and support when you were expected to restrain yourself. These deficits put you at a disadvantage in adult life, where saying no is as necessary a life skill as saying yes.

Let’s face it, when we’re told no as children, it hurts. Our will and desires are pitted against those of powerful parents. We have little or no idea what’s good or bad for us, but we sure do know what we want. We’re not using the cognitive part of our brains when we cry for this or that, only our impulses and irrational desires. We don’t consider consequences or what getting everything we ask for might mean in terms of becoming a mature adult. All we know is how much we desperately yearn for something—a toy, food, freedom, attention, having our way—and the fact that it’s painful not to get it.

And therein lies the rub, the pain that being told no brings us. Emotionally healthy parents can say no to themselves or tolerate hearing it from others because self- and other-denial don’t cause them enormous distress. They recognize the broader context of restraint and can soothe themselves so they don’t feel deprived or bent out of shape. Emotionally unhealthy parents, on the other hand, cannot self-soothe adequately and get so distressed over self-denial that they either fail to say no to themselves or challenge others when they’re told no. They do this not because yes is good for them, but because the internal turmoil they feel seems unbearable.

Where does that leave you as an adult who has difficulty saying no to yourself or hearing it said to you by others? The key is to put no in context and comfort yourself to make restraint tolerable. This involves finding a yes in the no—refusing to buy something you don’t need but badly want when you’re on a tight budget says yes to savings and self-care, limiting food beyond fullness says yes to pride and improved health—as well as soothing the hurt, deprivation, anger, frustration, and unfairness you feel. You can remind yourself that emotional discomfort will pass, that you can tolerate frustration, and that you’ll be perfectly fine even if you don’t get what you desire. Self-soothing is key to returning to a rational state so that you can think out what’s best for you long term. When you say no to yourself, make sure it’s accompanied by finding the yes in no and by comforting the distress that often goes along with self-discipline.

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. I cannot provide individual responses, but encourage you to post your questions and comments on The Food and Feelings Workbook message board at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings.

Vacation

2009-07-02T05:26:58-07:00

Everyone needs time off, so today’s post on “Hunger and Exercise” will be my last until I return from vacation the week of July 13.

Best,

Karen

www.eatingnormal.com

www.squidoo.com/eatnormalnow

Visit the message board exclusively devoted to my new book, The Food and Feelings Workbook, at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings.

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. Unfortunately, however, due to time constraints, I cannot provide individual responses.

Hunger and Exercise

2009-07-02T05:25:01-07:00

The last thing I want to do is deter anyone from exercising. In one form or another, I engage in it daily and strongly believe that activity is an integral part of mental and physical health. So the conclusions of an article in the May 2009 issue of the Nutrition Action Healthletter came as a surprise and were, I confess, a bit of a downer.

“Exercise? I’m Hungry” sums up a study reported in the journal Obesity. Here’s what it has to say: ”If a clever experiment in college students holds up, just seeing advice to exercise might make you eat more. Scientists showed roughly 50 students posters with messages to exercise (like ‘Go for a walk’) or other messages (like ‘Make friends’). Those who saw the exercise ads ate more from a small bowl of raisins than those who saw the non-exercise ads. In a second experiment, students ate roughly 25% more M&Ms, raisins, and peanuts after they were exposed to action words (like ‘go’ or ‘active’) than neutral words (like ‘pear’ or ‘moon’).” The article ends with the words: “Exercise. No. Don’t exercise. No. Exercise. No…Could words like ‘go’ elicit a subconscious urge to eat so you’ll have fuel to move? Who knows?”

The study’s conclusions (which, of course, at a later date, may be proven false) cut right to the point of exercise: Do we do it for health reasons or weight loss, which are not one and the same. It makes sense that the primitive part of the brain might connect preparing for engaging in heavy activity with an increased desire for food. But does that mean we have to fuel up just because we’re planning to jog for 30 minutes on the treadmill? Can’t we ignore signals from the brain? We do it all the time when we restrain impulses which are not in our best interest (like not ignoring the alarm clock, not going through red lights, etc.). Moreover, aren’t the health benefits of exercise so essential to quality of life and longevity that being a little hungry or eating a little more of nutritious foods might be worth it? The article doesn’t say that you have to eat a hot fudge sundae because you’re about to exercise. Even if you’re physically hungry after a run or a workout, you can choose healthy foods to replenish your body. And if you eat until fullness due to exercising more, that means you don’t have to eat again so soon.

I’m blogging about this study because some people will find any reason not to exercise, and it pays to have your head on straight regarding your motivations. If they’re healthy intentions and you feel better doing regular exercise (as most folks report), then you’ll make sure that even increased hunger won’t deter you from staying active. Better yet, draw your own conclusions. Experiment to see if exercise increases your hunger level.

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

Want to Listen to Me Being Interviewed?

2009-06-29T06:37:15-07:00

If you want to listen to me being interviewed by Dr. Beth Erickson, tune in today at 6p/EST to "Relationships 101". If you miss the interview, you can watch the podcast at Podcasts. The show airs 3 times/week, then can be found in the archives for 3 months.

Here's another link to a recent radio show. Watch the podcast of my interview with Cliff Roles on 6/21/09 at Cliff Roles.

Best,

Karen

http://www.eatingnormal.com/

http://www.nicegirlsfinishfat.com/

Normal Eating talks and media events

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. I cannot provide individual responses, but encourage you to post your questions and comments at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings or http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nicegirlsfinishfat.

When to Let Go and Move On

2009-06-29T06:28:05-07:00

The life skill of knowing when you’ve had enough and it’s time to let go and move on from situations—eating, relationships, jobs, groups and organizations, beliefs—is an essential one. In fact, the more you practice sensing when to let go and move on in non-eating situations, the more you’ll gain competence and confidence with eating just the right amount. Remember, though, the process is more art than science.

For instance, how long do you stay in a relationship which is unloving or abusive before getting out? How long do you cling to the hope that a parent will love or approve of you when every shred of evidence throughout your life points to the fact that they won’t? How long do you remain in a group (political, religious, sports, therapy, hobby, message board, etc.) when your heart says you’ve outgrown it? How long should you stay in a job you hate? The sense that it’s time to move forward even may hold true with identities, as we shift from being disregulated to more “normal” eaters.

My guess is that you generally think of giving up something—food, a person, a group, a geographical location—as a negative thing, something to be avoided. Your goal is to remain attached, and that’s what gets you into trouble. Your goal should be neither to stay connected nor to disconnect, but to do what is right for you. Leaving food on your plate or not isn’t right or wrong. What matters is whether you are satisfied, ie, did you get the best so that you can now leave the rest. This is true with friendships, marriages, jobs, and other affiliations as well. When things are no longer as good as they were, sure, explore what might be wrong and try some strategies to right them. But when that doesn’t work, consider that the balance has shifted and it’s time for a change.

Disconnection can be scary, but it is necessary and, in the long run, for your own good. Think of how proud you are when you leave half a sandwich on your plate because you’re full or satisfied. The relief you feel when you bow out of an organization because you’re no longer passionate about its mission or don’t care as much about its members. How freeing it is when love has died over time and you break away to find new love. How right it feels when you know that enough is enough!

Letting go and moving on is the natural order of life. We have to wave goodbye over here to say hello over there. When you begin to view life as a series of ongoing changes, this process becomes easier. Take a minute and think: where have you been hanging on too long?

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating website

Normal Eating talks and media events

Color, Mood and Food

2009-06-26T05:28:53-07:00

An interesting article on how colors affect the brain in the May 2009 issue of Mind, Mood & Memory (published by Massachusetts General Hospital) might help tweak your eating for the better. Scientists concluded that certain colors stimulate creativity, focus, attention to detail, problem-solving, and relaxation. This information is not earth-shattering, but I offer it in the hope that you can use it to make your kitchen and dining area the most supportive it can be for “normal” eating.

Here’s what the article (“Color Me Creative: How Colors Affect the Brain”) has to say:

· RED is stimulating, increases blood pressure, pulse and respiration rate; energizes, increases attention and vigilance; promotes anxiety, improves memory; promotes interest in food and sex.

· ORANGE increases blood pressure, respiration, heart rate; increases appetite, reduces fatigue, fosters sociability.

· YELLOW stimulates memory, awareness, and perception; raises pulse and respiration rates; engenders hope and optimism.

· GREEN is soothing, relaxing, calming; reduces anxiety; fosters feelings of self-control.

· BLUE is calming; increases happiness and boosts confidence and creativity; promotes risk-taking; has a cooling effect; lowers pulse and respiration rate; reduces blood pressure.

· PINK is soothing and tranquilizing; lowers anxiety; reduces aggression and hostility.

· BLACK is relaxing; lowers blood pressure, respiration and pulse rates.

The authors describe how color shapes mood: ”Colored light is absorbed by the eyes, then converted into electrical impulses that affect the brain’s hypothalamus gland—a brain structure which regulates temperature, blood pressure, respiration, and other functions, and stimulates the pituitary and pineal glands to secrete hormones that help control the body’s internal environment.” Colors have varying affects on the autonomic nervous system which is usually out of our control but still regulates our moods.

Take a minute to consider the color of your walls, dishes, and cabinets in your kitchen and dining area. Do they soothe or jazz you up? What color changes could you make—obvious or subtle—to help you feel more relaxed while eating? If you can, try out some different colors and see if you notice any change in how you feel around food.

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

Reflection

2009-06-22T05:26:15-07:00

I’ve blogged about reacting versus responding, but recently have been reminded of another word that needs to be thrown into the mix: reflecting. Many people have scant idea what the word means and rarely, if ever, reflect upon their thoughts and actions. Other people confuse reflection with dwelling on or obsessing about issues or emotions. Reflection is an essential tool for living and recovering from food abuse.

We all know what it means to react. Words fly out of your mouth before you even realize you’re speaking or know what you’re saying. You hit the brakes when a squirrel races across the street in front of your car. You reach for a slice of birthday cake at a party before asking yourself if you’re hungry or like this kind cake. It’s healthy to react quickly in certain life-threatening situations but, frankly, most of life is hardly made up of events in which you must act quickly or face death. Most of life is comprised of minor decisions which may not seem, but may be, meaningful at the time.

Because we’re busy, we’re usually on auto-pilot when it comes to decision-making and may develop a habit of making all decisions through reacting rather than reflecting. Too many of us barely or rarely consider our motivation. We believe what our parents believed politically, morally or spiritually, parent the same way or the intentionally opposite way we were raised, are comfortable in our lack of consideration of larger issues, and often go along to get along. Reflection makes us uneasy because it throws us into confusion or, worse, not knowing what we think or whether it’s right or wrong.

Reflection means considering how we think and behave. It’s not about making judgments or deciding whether we’re worthwhile human beings. It’s mulling things over, looking at the self and life from every angle, observing our feelings, beliefs, and behaviors objectively, letting thoughts bounce or float around until they settle somewhere. Reflection is holding up a mirror to ourselves. The process offers surprises about who we are as often as confirmation, confusion as often as clarity.

Practicing reflection shows maturity and leads us to enlightenment. By getting to know yourself better, you will take more appropriate and effective action. By thinking more about who you really are, you will move closer to who you really want to be. Carve out time to reflect every day and make it a habit so that you do it as automatically as reacting. Especially around food, let your mind do more work than your impulses so that you retrain your brain to stop and think before making choices.

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

More on Self-love

2009-06-19T05:46:39-07:00

Part of being an emotionally healthy, mature adult means achieving permanent self-love so that you don’t channel energy into looking to others for approval, validation and love. I blog away on this subject because it’s essential to eradicating food abuse and establishing healthy body attitudes and because self-love is difficult to come by if you’re a disregulated eater who had a childhood in which you were emotionally mistreated.

If you had parents who were highly critical and frequently mistreated you by invalidating your feelings or by putting their emotional needs before yours—never mind being cruel and abusive—you couldn’t learn to love yourself because we learn self-love through being loved by our care-takers. If you are loved well, you’re likely to grow into someone who loves her/himself well. If you are loved poorly or unloved, you’re likely develop into a person who loves her/himself poorly. In too many cases, parents don’t focus on you learning to approve of and love yourself. Rather, they teach you to become dependent upon their approval and are more concerned with you loving them than with them loving you. It’s rarely this black and white and simplistic, but you get the picture.

Many of you had parents who treated you less than kindly and failed to teach you to love yourself. That doesn’t mean they didn’t love you, only that they didn’t know how to do it effectively. To become emotionally healthy now, you have to let go of approval-seeking behavior and expecting that others will love/value/validate you because you can’t do it for yourself. The ongoing wish for love at any cost springs from childhood dysfunction and was adaptive back then, but becomes maladaptive and self-destructive.

It’s hard, but not impossible, to give up people pleasing, a process that happens gradually as you push yourself to seek your own, not another’s, approval. Moreover, having parents treat you with care and respect in childhood was meant to be a vehicle for learning self-love, not a mere endpoint. The goal isn’t to keep you chasing other approval, but for you to feel lovable so you’ll love yourself. If you missed out on this process, it’s time to grow healthier now by establishing your own goals and values.

If you’re “addicted” to looking to others for self-worth, you can start weaning yourself off this behavior by resisting doing it and by turning inward, instead, for validation and approval. The more you seek these states externally, the less opportunity you have to develop them internally. The more frequently you look to yourself for assessment and recognition, the less inclined you’ll be to depend on what others think of you.

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

Thwarting Fat Phobia

2009-06-15T05:40:36-07:00

I was watching CSI NEW YORK recently and one of the characters, a black doctor, was confronted with slurs from a racist skinhead. The doctor didn’t fly off the handle, hurl an insult back at the skinhead, nor seem the least bit perturbed. Rather, he shrugged off the insult, explaining to another character that someone’s racist attitude wasn’t his problem but theirs. My first thought was, How can overweight people learn to respond in a similar fashion?

Granted being born black and becoming fat are not the same thing. I get that. However, many blacks (and other people who’ve been stigmatized) have learned over time to handle hurtful comments well, and that makes their attitude instructive. Some may say that our culture is now what’s being called post-racist, but throughout history, people have had to contend with being picked on, excluded from the mainstream, and abused in various ways because of particular characteristics. Not all of these people bought into the insults flung at them or internalized society’s negative stereotypes and messages.

How did and do they stay sane and centered and feel okay about themselves when the rest of the world doesn’t? This is what overweight people must learn to do to survive emotionally. That doesn’t mean you have to give up your anger that the world is cruel and unjust, but you do have to let go of any and all responses which limit your life. And ignore what’s been said, recognize that hurtful comments are about the person saying them, not you, educate someone who makes weight comments, and speak up in a way that indicates your depth of feeling calmly but forcefully. To do this, consider how you might react other than with anger or hurt—with sadness, compassion, or contempt for people’s ignorance or with amusement at how ridiculous they sound.

I’m not saying that responding in a healthy manner that does not internalize fat phobic comments is easy. It’s an arduous process that takes time and practice. Do it and you’ll benefit on two counts. First, you’ll stop carrying around the pain in your heart from being wounded by thoughtless and mean remarks. Second, by responding in a healthy way to fat phobia, especially calling people on it appropriately, you’ll be helping to reshape the world into a more tolerant place to live. As part of working on this issue, ask people in your circle who have faced any kind of stigma how they’ve not personalized remarks and have overcome feeling hurt and upset. “Isms” go away when people stand up for themselves, not when they remain victims. Imagine how different the world would be if every overweight (and not overweight) person confronted fat comments!

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

More on Trauma

2009-06-12T07:19:51-07:00

As we learn more about the workings of the brain, it’s evident that childhood trauma often plays a crucial role in the development of lifelong emotional—and emotional management—problems. They manifest themselves not only through eating, mood, and anxiety disorders, but in addictions and unhealthy relationships. The greater your understanding of how trauma affects your sense of self, the better your chance of making changes in adulthood to overcome early dysfunctional influences.

In Children of Trauma: Rediscovering Your Discarded Self, author Jane Middleton-Moz makes a powerful point: “Children live out what they see reflected in their parents’ eyes. If what is reflected is the disdain and unacceptability of the developing self, that self will be discarded in order to meet the image in the reflective mirror of the world.” This means that if your parents regularly mistreated you, you may have come to believe that there was something intrinsically wrong with you and, therefore, may have thrown away your authentic, good self in order to match what they saw in you. Now, feeling defective and bad, you abuse food because you believe you deserve to.

Middleton-Moz adds that “Children of trauma live in environments that stimulate emotions and simultaneously block their release,” a compelling statement that speaks to trauma survivors feeling oversensitive and believing that their emotions are too much for themselves or others to handle. Not only were they overstimulated by excessive emotions such as fear, anxiety, guilt, confusion, disappointment, and shame, but the caretakers who should have been there to soothe these emotions were, in fact, the cause of them. Growing up in such a double bind, children of trauma easily become overwhelmed, and one way they soothe their stress and distress is through food.

Another point Middleton-Moz makes is that children of trauma are so busy staying safe, pleasing their caretakers, and trying to feel secure, that they have little or no energy left over for normal developmental tasks. They are so consumed with defending themselves that they don’t have opportunities to experiment and learn the life skills which are part of healthy growth and maturation. One of these skills is self-soothing and another is soliciting comfort from others. Instead of learning these tasks, they turn to whatever is accessible and available to ameliorate emotional pain. That something is often food.

One of the reasons you have difficulty overcoming food problems may be that you haven’t recovered from childhood trauma. If so, it’s time to make peace with the past.

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops