Recovered.® by Jenni Schaefer

Is there a Guitar in your Closet? - Realizing your Dreams in the New Year

2012-01-26T07:39:43-08:00

I bought a guitar in high school. At the time, I was struggling with an eating disorder and its various underlying issues, including high anxiety and perfectionism. Needless to say, I did not learn to play that instrument. Instead, I shoved the guitar into the back of my closet where it lived for almost twenty years.

Malnutrition prevented me from having the physical strength and energy to press the strings down on the guitar. And perfectionism told me that if you can’t perform perfectly, don’t do it at all. Since playing the guitar is fun, I also had trouble with that aspect of making music. In those days, I restricted fun (and life in general) in the same way that I limited my food intake.

Anxiety and related fears made me wonder, “Is playing guitar even possible for me?” Unfortunately, I decided that it is easier not to try than to fail. What I know now is that life is all about doing the impossible. As toddlers, I am sure we all thought that walking upright on two legs just wasn’t in the cards for us. It probably seemed too difficult. But none of us is still crawling around on all fours to get from one place to another. We did the impossible!

Is there a guitar in your closet? I am not talking about an actual instrument. I am referring to a deep desire, an unlived dream, or maybe an uncovered passion. Like dusty guitars, our hopes and aspirations tend to get shoved into the back of closets.

Time and time again, eating disorders and addictions get in the way of these life goals. In order to heal and to get my life back, I first had to make recovery a priority. After years of sweat, hard work, and simultaneous letting go, I finally found freedom. Happily, I discovered that when you add recovery to a guitar, you get a guitar player!

Of course, playing my guitar took more than just recovering from my eating disorder. Recovery did give me a solid ground to do it though. Ultimately, I had to open that closet door. In the beginning, I simply set the guitar on a stand in my living room where it became a lovely piece of room décor for a year or so. This might not sound like much progress, but it was for me. Finally, I was acknowledging my passion. I was facing my fear and setting an intention.

Action came next— I held the guitar in my arms. I signed up for lessons. My instructor advised me to practice every day, and I immediately thought that I was too busy for that kind of daily routine. But she continued to say that all I had to do was strum at least one chord each day. Even if I only played for one minute a day, she said that I would reap benefits. I was surprised to discover that she was right. We can actually get a lot done in one minute. One minute a day adds up to six hours in a year. In my case, that equaled six more hours than I had been practicing the year before. Never forget the slogan: progress, not perfection.

We often believe “I am too old”” for this or that. But are we? At age fifteen, I thought that I was already too old to learn how to play a new instrument. In my mind, I had deciphered that it would take ten years before I could play fluently. The truth is that I learned a simple song during my first lesson. Even if it had taken ten years, by age twenty-five, I would have been playing all kinds of songs with ease. Instead, in my mid-twenties, my guitar simply had lots of dust on it. I recently met a ninety-year-old woman who just started taking piano lessons. A friend who never thought she could be a mom recently adopted a baby girl. Many of my colleagues switched gears and entered brand new careers after age fifty. We are never too old to dream.

One more hurdle to fulfilling our desires can be obsessive preparation. I started playing my guitar well before I had solidified a plan regarding what I was actually trying to accomplish as a musician. We frequently put off doing something, because we are “getting ready.” While preparation is necessary, it can hinder us when it becomes an excuse for not taking real action. Sometimes, we do, in fact, have to “just do it” before we have everything mapped out. We can figure it out along the way.

This New Year, make a resolution to get your guitar out of the closet. Maybe you have an actual instrument. Or maybe you want to get more connected spiritually, go back to school, or even write a book. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, start changing. You, too, will be playing a song in no time!

Photo taken by Gene Chavez on December 28, 2011, at my first official music gig in Austin, TX!

Final Holiday Messages of Hope: Sarah Blumenthal and Caroline Perris

2012-01-03T19:56:05-08:00

Over the past week or so, I have posted messages of hope from others to help provide additional support during the holidays. Now that January 3rd has arrived, I guess I should stop talking about the holidays and move on with 2012! Here are some final recovery thoughts from Sarah and Caroline. Thanks to all of you (Meg, Kyla, Vic, Caroline, and Sarah) who shared your amazing stories.

I would love to hear from more of you! Please feel free to post words of inspiration on this page as a comment or on my Facebook page.

I look forward to hearing from you!

All the best,

Jenni

Words from Sarah Blumenthal:

I was anorexic; I had anorexia; I was over it, or at least as over it as one can be. Believe it or not, that happens. Anorexia is a way of thinking that I know I’ll never be entirely done with, but look where I am now. I’m happy, healthy, and active. I’m engaged, social, willing to speak my experiences. I’m open, alert and finally, full.

Words from Caroline Perris:

I was thirteen when I purged for the first time. I cannot say for certain what was running through my mind at that time, only that I had been depressed and suicidal for years and had begun to believe that changing my body might magically make all my problems disappear. I was wrong. Bulimia and later anorexia took over my life. After nearly a year of starving and purging I decided enough was enough. I found the courage to reach out to one of my teachers for help, and less than a week later, I was in an intensive outpatient program for eating disorders.

I did not understand how long or difficult a process recovery was going to be. I hated missing out on school and life in general, but I still could not find the motivation to move forward in recovery. I spent the next five years of my life in and out of hospitals, residential, inpatient, and intensive outpatient treatment. The treatment helped to keep me alive, but the motivation for recovery is something I believe I found within myself after realizing that a life with an eating disorder is not a real life or the kind of life I want to live. And now, five years later, I can finally say that I am moving in a positive direction, toward recovery.

I am finally able to recognize all that my eating disorder has taken away from me. Although I was angry at my parents for initially sending me to treatment, I am now grateful for the actions they took which most certainly kept me alive. I still struggle, but I am able to persevere through my worst days with the hope that someday I will be ED free. I find inspiration through the many role models in my life, especially the ones who have successfully recovered from an eating disorder. At many times in my life, I have felt hopeless, but by reading Life Without Ed and listening to those who have recovered, I have come to believe that recovery is possible

At the moment, I am in my senior year of high school, out of treatment and looking toward to the future—ED free! There are so many goals I have for myself and I am determined to let nothing, especially my eating disorder, get in the way.

Holiday Message of Hope Continued: Vic Avon

2012-01-02T12:46:06-08:00

The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness, but for many of us it’s a time filled with much anxiety and struggle. I know I dreaded the holidays for years, and even after being in recovery for three years I know that there has been a certain level of angst when they come rolling around. There could be a million recovery messages that I could share with you, but I’d rather share with you a personal experience from this current holiday journey. Three weeks before Christmas Day I suffered an expected loss in my family. Not only did I lose my best friend, but I lost the most important source of strength in my life. She was always there to comfort me when times were rough and provided me with everything I needed in order to help me grow and recover. When I lost her I was devastated, but more importantly I was afraid that I couldn’t stay strong and keep going on this journey all alone. With the holidays quickly approaching I knew this was going to be a huge test for me. I was being faced with a choice: to run away and crumble, or to have confidence in myself and know that I could do this.

The days passed and without even knowing it I realized I had made my choice. I began believing in myself. I knew that when my Angel left me she had done so after teaching me so much and helped drag me out of the darkness. She left me when she knew I’d be OK. I used every coping skill I had learned, and went through every single day living the way she would have wanted me to. Christmas weekend arrived and I threw myself into every challenged and plowed through each of them. Christmas day came and I threw myself into a formerly challenging family situation and when it was all said and done I didn’t feel like a misfit anymore, I wasn’t thinking about what I was eating, and I wasn’t sinking into my shell. I was enjoying it. When I sit here and think about all of this I have more confidence than ever before that I can do this on my own. I know now that I am strong enough to overcome anything that life can throw at me. I know this would never have been possible if I did not start the recovery journey three years ago. I thought I was broken for so long, but this recovery process has put me back together into a totally new human being. I’m nothing special, though, because anybody can get to the point I am at. If you keep fighting and never lose hope you WILL recover. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, what country you are from, how old you are, or what language you speak, if you really fight for it you will get there. If I can do it then anybody can do it. Stay strong, turn your struggles into strength, and start experiencing life.

- Vic Avon

Holiday Message of Hope Continued: Kyla Buckingham

2011-12-26T14:10:14-08:00

After a decade of being “the anorexic” and “the bulimic,” I wondered, “Maybe I’m worth more than this. Maybe I need my friends more than I need this eating disorder.” We may not choose to have eating disorders, but we can choose to treat ourselves kindly and ask for help long before we “look sick.” I hope you’re not ashamed. I hope you believe things can get better when you talk. Because they can--which is why today I work for a mental health charity to tell people that everyday.

- Kyla Buckingham

Meg's Holiday Message of Hope

2011-12-24T14:56:02-08:00

I know that many of you struggle with Ed thoughout this time of the year. (I know this, because you have sent lots of messages to me about it recently.) As my gift to you this holiday season, over the next week or so, I will share stories of inspiration from others --- to lift you up and to renew your faith that recovery really is possible. I have heard many people say, "Well, Jenni, I know that you are recovered. But you are the only person I know who did get better from an eating disorder." Many of you have asked me, "Does anyone else get better?" The answer is a big YES! I will start by sharing Meg's story.

Here is Meg Burton's message of hope for you:

One thing that use to make me want to cry was the saying, "It gets better". I could see that for other people it did get better, but I didn't understand. I felt like they forgot the pain of what it's like to be so isolated from everything and everyone when you're in your eating disorder. It was like there was a secret to getting to the place of fully recovered that people just simply weren't telling me about. There had to be something I was missing.

My parents divorced when I was one. My whole life, my father has lived on the other side of the world while I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a loving but confused stepdad who desperately attempted to keep everything together. This is where my eating disorder came in - when I took on the role of trying to keep everything together. At the end of my freshman year of high school I finally asked for help. After spending years lying not only to my treatment team, but to myself, I finally hit my rock bottom. I realized I could either try out this whole recovery business for a little bit or keep staying sick and map out exactly what would happen.

Things began to fall into place. I read Life Without Ed which kickstarted my recovery and became my bible. I found a mentor. I started to volunteer with a non profit organization and went into schools trying to prevent and raise awareness about eating disorders. I couldn't be followings Ed's orders while standing up in front of a group of students telling them to love their bodies if I wasn't trying to love mine, so it really gave me some accountability to commit to my health.

The cool thing about not doing behaviors is that so much life happens! Think about it - you can waste a month to purging or restricting in the blink of an eye. However, think about not purging or not restricting for a month and how much progress and how much life you actually live in that month! Things begin to happen. You find yourself getting excited to go out and be social, having a sleepover with girlfriends and driving to In N' Out at midnight and laughing instead of planning where you can go purge. Eventually, you even find yourself liking your body!!!

I'm not recovered yet, but each of these things continue to push me when I don't have hope. I want to be Ed free one day. I still feel like crying now when people say, "It gets better", but I want to cry because I have so much gratitude that it really DOES get better. I really am slowly, but surely, getting better. You have to grab on to whatever gives you hope and have faith that you will get to the place of recovered too. I'm right on that path with you. - Meg Burton

Stop Dating Losers: Or that’s what my friends used to say

2011-10-28T07:59:52-07:00

I used to gravitate toward one type of guy: loser.

At least, that’s what my friends said about my dating life. Meanwhile, my therapist preferred instead to use the more politically correct word, “underfunctioner.”

Here are some examples: a 30-something guy who still lived with his parents and a forty-year-old man who never seemed to have a working car. Then, there were the men I dated who were “finding themselves.” This phrase, I have learned, is often synonymous with, “I don’t have a real job.”

Don’t get me wrong. These guys had some positive qualities as well, including being funny, attractive, and smart. One man I dated was actually quite brilliant. With him, I would rationalize, “Well, someday, he will utilize his genius skills.” I was dating this man’s potential, not him. And there lies one of my big problems: I would focus intensely on a guy’s good qualities and tend to (at least in the beginning) ignore the red flags that screamed, “Run, run as fast as you can!”

To be fair and honest, I was far from perfect. In fact, these guys probably had friends who called me a loser. When we were dating, I rarely spent significant time with them. I would conveniently fit the relationship into my schedule, meanwhile insisting that what we had together wasn’t, in fact, a relationship at all. My walls were tall and wide and protected by a moat with alligators. These men didn’t have a chance, as I was a walking red flag (or maybe even a banner) myself.

On an unconscious level, now I see that I chose these kinds of relationships, because they were doomed to fail, or rather, to not even start. My best friend used to say that I was a pro at getting out of a relationship before it even began. By choosing a certain type of man, I felt safe on some level. I didn’t have to be invested or risk a broken heart. And I was ultimately in control of the relationship. At any moment, I could easily jump ship and go back to my familiar, single gal life, which I loved.

But, in my single life, I had begun to wonder, “Is there more?” If I wanted to continue to grow as a person, what might that look like? The answer I kept hearing back was, “You need to explore being in a relationship.” And this voice was not talking about with friends or family, but specifically with men. I began to see that continued growth in my life would mean facing my walls head-on and making better choices in the dating arena. I made an appointment with a therapist, specifically to talk about love and relationships. I knew that if anything was going to change, I was going to have to do things differently. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I signed up for an online dating service. Unlike times in the past, I actually logged into the account from time to time. I forced myself to sit down and respond to “winks” when what I wanted to do was write, play guitar, or hang out with friends. I tirelessly weeded through the annoying emails to find the wonderful ones. I even sent some messages of my own, connecting only with men who I actually thought might be a match. I met some great guys—not underfunctioners. This change had nothing to do with the specific online service but everything to do with me. I was shifting my perspective and opening my heart.

And then the strangest thing happened. While I was living my life hanging out with friends (in Las Vegas of all places), I met an amazing guy. When we met, I expected my dating walls to come up and say, “You can’t do this. You will be smushed just like in a trash compactor.” Yes, my walls used to say scary things like that!

But there are no walls in sight. I don’t feel trapped. I never thought it was possible to feel free in a relationship, but I do. Maybe this difference is because I have been working on myself. Or maybe it is because I can completely be myself with Bruce (That is his real name. Please refrain from Facebook stalking!) and don’t need walls to protect me. Our ability to connect might have something to do with the fact that both of us are on a similar trajectory in life as far as career, happiness, and even knowing who we are as individuals. I am guessing it is a combination of all of this.

Everyone’s dating path is different. I don’t specifically recommend joining Match.com or going to Vegas. What I do suggest is listening to that little voice inside, your inner compass. Some call this intuition or even God. Maybe this voice is telling you to take things slowly or on the opposite end, to sign up for speed dating. (Yes, I’ve done it.) Only you know what is right for you.

Whether you are single or married and regardless of your sexual orientation, we can all learn from one another. So please share your thoughts on dating and love here. One thing is for sure: I still need all the help I can get.

All the best,
Jenni

Beyond Ed: What's below the surface

2011-10-07T06:00:54-07:00

I have heard that 90 percent of an iceberg lies below the water. I saw this phenomenon firsthand on a recent boat ride near Juneau, Alaska. Traveling solo, I signed up for the boat ride, in part, to think and reflect on next steps in my life, specifically in regard to career.

After fully recovering from anorexia/bulimia, I have felt a calling to do more --- to go beyond my work with eating disorders. In true black-and-white form, I used to think that I had to dissect that part of me and start anew. I thought I could either talk and write about eating disorders or not. What I realized clearly on the Alaskan boat ride (specifically after seeing the iceberg below) is that I do not have to do either/or. I can do both. My work with eating disorders is deeply fulfilling, and I don't have to let that go in order to "add to." I am an iceberg!

So far, you guys have only seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my writing and speaking. You have seen the part that is above water, which is mostly about food, body image, and eating disorders. In branching out, I will be revealing more to you (what's below the surface). For instance, soon I will post that piece about dating that I mentioned in my last blog entry. And I actually have a guy to write about now. I know: gasp! Stay tuned. This process of sharing more is definitely scary for me. So, if you notice that I am not doing what I say here, please bug me about it. I give you full permission to keep me accountable! (Find me anytime on Twitter, Facebook, or comment here.)

In writing this, I am realizing that we are all icebergs in one way or another. We often reveal certain things about ourselves to some people and not to others. Sometimes, this is smart. We are creating boundaries to keep us safe. But sometimes, we get stronger and don't actually need old boundaries anymore. This happened with me in eating disorder recovery. Toward the beginning of my recovery, I set strong, necessary boundaries in my life. Ultimately, when I became healthy and more secure in myself, I didn't need such ironclad walls around me anymore. It took awhile for me to let my guard down and to let people in on a whole new level, but I finally did it. (See Smashing the Box: Letting people into our lives.)

I have learned that, for me, the most important thing is to be true to myself. Whether I decide to reveal a part of myself or all of me, I must be authentic. You have known the real Jenni for years. Now, you are just going to know more. (When you think about it, the tip of the iceberg may just be a small part of the whole, but it is still 100 percent iceberg. I have always tried to be 100 percent me in my writing, speaking, and singing, and I thank you for supporting that.)

I would love to learn more about you, too! If you feel comfortable, please share something about yourself here --- possibly beyond Ed. It can be as simple (or complex) as your favorite color or food to deeper thoughts on love and happiness. Feel free to share thoughts about what you would be interested in hearing me talk about as well. (What would help you in your current life?) You can share these thoughts on my Author Facebook page, too. (This new page is becoming a place of positive support and getting to know one another.)

Thanks, in advance, for your support in my new endeavor!

Wish me luck :)

Jenni

Smashing the Box: Letting people into our lives

2011-08-30T08:47:41-07:00

Why is it so hard to let others into our lives? I mean “truly in” and not keeping people outside of that glass box that life has built around us. (I do realize that some of our boxes are not made of glass but rather titanium enforced steel!) What if we all smashed that box and let friends, family members, and significant others stand right beside us--- shoulder to shoulder?

For so long, Ed (my “Eating Disorder”) lived with me inside of the box ensuring it’s structure was safe and secure. Today, I am fully recovered, and Ed is gone. This does not mean that I am fully recovered from life though. I always have room to grow. But it does mean that the box is gone. Even just typing those words still causes a bit of anxiety. The box is gone.

I am open and available to meet new people and to let old friends in on a deeper level. And what a blessing it has been. Since moving to Texas from Tennessee, I have made great friends in Austin. We haven’t even known each other an entire year, and we’ve already taken a fun trip together. (Viva Las Vegas!) Back in Nashville, I am tremendously grateful that I still have amazing, can’t-live-without friends. When I connect with them, it’s like I never moved away. We don’t miss a beat. This is not because they live in Music City, U.S.A: we are actually in sync with one another.

The box is gone around me, but I will admit that I can be quite talented at holding my arms outstretched to keep others at a distance. Sometimes, this is appropriate. I have learned that I must wisely choose who gets to be an integral part of my life. The difference between today and my life with Ed is that I now have the ability to choose. I have the option to drop my arms (however scary that might be), to reach out, and to hold another's hand. I can even decide to kiss someone. My challenge here is to not let a wall come up after the kiss. (Another article altogether---stay tuned!)

If you are standing inside of a box with Ed, I encourage you to do whatever it takes to fully recover. Banish Ed from your life. Get rid of the box, too. Learn to let people into your life slowly. Talk with your therapist about how you can do that. Start today. Don’t wait to be prepared first. Sometimes, we spend our whole lives preparing for something that we really just need to do. Changes can start today---one small step at a time.

What one thing can you do today to facilitate change? I’d love to hear your answers to this question. Please feel free to share any other thoughts and comments as well.

I look forward to hearing from you!

All the best,

Jenni

She Blames Herself: The healing power of music

2011-08-10T12:50:47-07:00

I have long since known about the healing power of music. Even before I intellectually knew that music was beneficial emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I could feel that music actually heals. As a kid, if I felt sad about something (from school work to boys!), a song always helped.

Because music was also important in my recovery from anorexia/bulimia, I recently released a CD of songs that I hope will touch people's lives. I am grateful to have already received an overwhelmingly positive response to the third song on the album in regard to dealing with the traumatic wounds of abuse. So, I want to share She Blames Herself (co-written by Teresa Boaz, Sandy Ramos, and me) with you here.

We wrote this song to let victims of abuse know: it's not your fault. And healing is possible.

All the best,

Jenni

SHE BLAMES HERSELF - (Click button below to listen.)

Blue-eyed girl, 15-years-old
Hides a secret inside her soul
She keeps re-living it, how could he do what he did
A friend of the family they’ve know for years
Now when she sees him, she’s filled with fear
What can she do when she knows it’s her word against his?

CHORUS
She blames herself, she blames it all
On how she dressed the way she walked
Drowning in shame and so much guilt
Who can she trust, who can she tell
When she’s too scared to even ask for help
It was all his fault and still
She blames herself

He stole her innocence and most of her youth Now that she’s older she knows the truth
What he did was criminal and she needs to let go of the pain
Now when she meets a young woman who’s lived through the same ordeal
She remembers the anger & how bad it feels
One look in those eyes and she knows that girl’s goin’ insane (cause)

CHORUS
She blames herself, she blames it all
On what she wore the way she walked
Drowning in shame consumed with guilt
Who can she trust, who can she tell
When she’s too scared to even ask for help
It was all his fault and still
She blames herself

It was all his fault and still
She blames herself

Written by Jenni Schaefer, Teresa Boaz, and Sandy Ramos. © 2010 Hello Me Music (BMI)/Striper Music (BMI)/Lawyer’s Wife Music (BMI)/Cauley Music Group (BMI). All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured. Used by Permission.

03 She Blames Herself

Eating Disorders & Recovery Q&A (Part 3)

2011-07-28T07:38:13-07:00

And Part 3! Please share thoughts/comments. Feel free to ask additional questions as well.

Thanks!
Jenni

QUESTION 13. I’ve been through treatment twice for bulimia, and at this point, it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to get better. I keep slipping back. How long before it did get better for you? And how did you keep from slipping back?

JENNI ANSWER 13: My favorite quote is a Japanese proverb: “Fall down seven times, stand up eight.” We all fall down in recovery a lot. We just have to keep standing. If we keep standing, we will make it. Everyone’s journey is different—taking various amounts of time.

Spirituality truly helped me to stay on the recovery path. It took awhile, but I eventually let go and began trusting a higher power (which I call God). Believing and trusting God helped me to truly commit to therapy, to my meal plan, etc. I attended 12-step meetings for support. A great resource is Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA). When I fell down, people in my support group helped to pick me back up again.

If you are participating in this interview, it is obvious that you are working hard in recovery. Don’t quit. And you will make it.

QUESTION 14. I've read both of your books, and seen you in person -- It is so wonderful to know that recovery is possible. I didn't believe that until I met you. I am in recovery (again) right now, and I always seem to get stuck at the EATING part!! I like the chapter in your book, “Goodbye Ed, Hello Me,” where you talked about having to just sit down and EA...T. I'm learning and growing, etc., but I don't know how to do that part! Are you sure it's necessary for recovery?

JENNI ANSWER 14: We hear this a lot: Eating disorders are not about food and weight. That’s true. Eating disorders are truly about underlying issues like painful perfectionism, constant self-criticism, low self-esteem, and crippling depression. But eating disorders are a big paradox. While the illness is not about food and weight, to get better, we all have to develop a healthy relationship with food and our body. There is no getting around it. So, to answer your question, yes, I am sure about the eating part! Much of this interview has already discussed this question in various ways. Eating is an extremely hard part of recovery. Eating gets easier by eating. Another helpful hint: a little restricting hurts a lot. To fully recover, we have to let go of all of Ed. The chapter in “Goodbye Ed, Hello Me” titled “Jump” speaks more about this. Eating is like jumping off a cliff. We must jump and trust that our parachute will open. I promise you—if you jump, your parachute will open. But it won’t open UNTIL you jump.

* Keep in mind that food is the best medicine for an eating disorder. I know, that’s hard to hear sometimes!

QUESTION 15: How do we know that recovery is worth it? It is so hard to even think about a future without an ED yet alone actually making it happen. And what if it's not what I dreamed of, what do I do then?

JENNI ANSWER 15: First off, your question reminds me of a chapter in my book “Goodbye Ed, Hello Me,” which you can read here: http://www.jennischaefer.com/hello-excerpts-whoam.htm. The chapter is called “Who am I Without Ed?”)

It is impossible for anyone to convince anyone else that recovery is worth it. We all discover that on our own. What I can say is that we start seeing evidence of “recovery is worth it” as we continually take small steps along recovery road. We feel brief moments of peace without Ed. Slowly, these moments become hours and then days. We also discover new interests outside of eating disorders and recovery. We begin to focus more on what we “get” in recovery rather than what we are “getting rid of.” We move toward life each moment that we choose recovery. I believe in you. Here’s some inspiration from “Life Without Ed:” http://www.jennischaefer.com/goodbye-excerpts-serenity.htm

QUESTION 16: How can I support my loved one with her Ed? She gets very irritable. What sorts of questions should I be asking to see how she's doing?

JENNI ANSWER 16: The best way to support someone going through an eating disorder is to ask them, “How can I best support you?” Ask what feels supportive and what doesn’t. I had to teach my family and friends how to support me. What worked for me didn’t necessarily work for my friends in recovery.

I’ve heard it said about eating disorders, “From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it.” That’s the bad news. The good news is that it doesn’t matter. You never have to understand what it’s like to have an eating disorder. What you do need to do is BELIEVE your loved one. When they say, “I feel fat,” believe their experience. Provide hope, support, and lots of love. Here is a wonderful article from Center for Change about supporting loved ones: http://www.centerforchange.com/friends-family-yout/help-family-friends

QUESTION 17: I love reading your books, Jenni. They are so inspiring. I've heard that your next book focuses on dating. Any tips on dating while in recovery?

JENNI ANSWER 17: Thanks for reading my books! That means a lot to me.

Yes, I am in the “research phase” of my dating book. That means I am dating! Something interesting I have discovered is that much of what I learned in recovery from Ed can be applied to dating. For instance, I used to believe that I would NEVER recover from Ed. But I did recover. Today, I sometime find myself thinking, “I will never find a guy.” That word, “never,” signifies black and white thinking. I learned in recovery that that kind of thinking doesn’t work. So, I try to become aware of this negative self-talk. I do my best to replace negativity with positive thinking: “I will meet someone special when I am ready. And it will be wonderful.”

Other dating thoughts:

* I encourage you to discuss dating with your treatment team. These discussions can be very helpful. In early recovery, I thought that I had to only talk about “Ed” in therapy sessions. I learned that I could also talk about Brad, Matt, and Tony!

* When I was still struggling a lot with restaurants, I often suggested alternatives for dates—a stroll in the park, a movie, or bowling. IMPORTANT NOTE: I still ate, just not with my date. Rhyme not intended :)

* Anxiety with body image issues was a challenge for me as well. I learned to trust my body and to take things slowly. In our society, we are told that we must follow certain rules when it comes to physical intimacy and dating. The real rule is that there is no rule. We all must follow our hearts and be true to ourselves.

As an added FYI, here’s a link to an article about dating and Ed: http://www.eatingdisordersreview.com/nl/nl_edt_4.html