Recovered.® by Jenni Schaefer

Learning How to Eat - Guest post by Emily Wierenga

2013-05-22T13:10:51-07:00

I never wanted to be known as the girl with the eating disorder.

And now I’ve got a book with chapters and paragraphs and sentences stating that I am that very girl, the one who starved herself from the ages of nine until 13. And nine? People ask. Why so young?

But I tell them, I didn’t feel nine. I felt very, very old.

And sometimes it’s hard to remember (as I put down words like Hospital and Calories and Mirror), that I am more than that now. That I have always been more. That we are all more than our reflection.

But you couldn’t have told that to the girl with the mushroom cut and the big plastic glasses who stared into the long mirror in the dim-lit hallway while Dad typed away in his office, the door that was always closed because he was a pastor, and why do churches keep their entrances locked?

And Mum in the kitchen cooking supper in her apron.

I really don’t think it had much at all to do with eating, and does it ever? Do we sneak bags of chips or cookies or bowls of ice cream because we love food? Or because we hate ourselves?

And I think it’s because as women, as, mothers, we put ourselves last so often, that we don’t believe we deserve goodness. We feel we don’t deserve beauty or gifts or to sit down and enjoy a good long meal with a glass of wine because there are children to be bathed and put to bed, and clothes to be folded and toys to be put away and, and…

And this is what I saw stretched across my mother’s face, as she stood weary by the stove in her apron. And she tried to love us the only way she knew how: by homeschooling us and dishing up heaping plates of food and sewing us clothes, but all I wanted was for her to hold me and tell me I was beautiful.

But she’d never had anyone do that for her, not her mother nor her father nor my father.

We all need someone to be love, incarnate, so we can put our faith in it.

My husband leans in on the pillows and I ask him to tell me, just one more time. “But why?” he says, this farm-boy that walked me through my relapse when I was 23.

“Don’t you know?” I shake my head.

“Tell me again,” I say.

“I love you.” He pulls me close. “I’ve never stopped loving you,” he says. “And I never will.”

I let him kiss me then.

And I’m learning to stand up for myself this way, to treat my body with kindness. And I know it has nothing to do with me. I know it has everything to do with me being a product of God’s genius. His hands molding dust into skin into breath.

He’s the one who makes me beautiful. So I sit boldly at the kitchen table in the afternoon light and eat a bowl of ice cream, my sons beside me, eating theirs, because we need to do this together, this life. This learning to eat, this learning to be gentle with ourselves and others.

Because lies can’t grow in the light.

And light is love.

***

I’m giving away a hard-cover copy of my new book today, Mom in the Mirror: Body Image, Beauty and Life After Pregnancy, co-authored by Dr. Dena Cabrera, and foreword by supermodel Emme.

Here’s an excerpt from the book:

Giving birth produces life in more than one sense. It’s the baby powder, milky-breathed spirit found in the softest limbs you’ve ever felt, and it’s the respect a man feels for his wife as he watches her give up her body for another.

And it’s the deep-rooted soul satisfying feeling of knowing you were born for more than the mirror. That you were born to see the face of God in your child, and to know, you yourself are a miracle.

I want you to have this book! Tell me ONE thing that you love about yourself, and you’ll be entered into the draw!

Otherwise, you can order it through the book’s website, here: www.mominthemirrorbook.com.

Emily Wierenga is a mom to two beautiful boys, wife to a handsome math teacher, and author of Chasing Silhouettes: How to Help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder (www.chasingsilhouettes.com) and Mom in the Mirror: Body Image, Beauty and Life After Pregnancy (www.mominthemirrorbook.com). To learn more, please visit www.emilywierenga.com.

The Power of Kindness

2012-08-21T13:57:08-07:00

My dear friend and colleague, Tamara Noyes, wrote this powerful piece that I wanted to share with you. Tamara is multi-talented! She is not only the Business Development Director at Center for Change, but she is also a beautiful singer. In fact, you may have heard her sing harmony with me at one of our events.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and comments about the power of kindness in our world.

- Jenni

Tamara and I at the Napa NEDA Walk in 2011.

The Power of Kindness

As a kid, whenever I would leave the house my mother would say, "Remember who you are!" As a youngster, I blew it off and just assumed that my mom was a bit crazy because she thought I couldn't remember my own name. However, as time passed and I matured, those words began to have a greater impact on me and how I chose to live my life. My mother's words were reminding me to present my authentic self to the outside world...that I was part of a family and my actions also reflected on those that I loved, and who loved me.

As I navigate in the world today, I often find myself remembering my mother's words - especially when I am observing or interacting with other women. I am sometimes saddened by the way that we, as women, treat each other. I believe that women are born with an innate sense of nurturing, with hearts full of love, and with souls full of kindness. There are women in the world, and in my life, who demonstrate these gifts in every area of their life - in the way that they "show up" with their families, friends, colleagues and total strangers. But there are also those of us who somehow, along the way, have buried our innate qualities and have taken on an air of judgment, mean spiritedness, and unkindness in the way we treat other women. We look each other up and down, making instant judgments and assumptions, and then publish our judgments in our eye-rolling, our colluding with others, or our verbal assaults on our sisters of the world. Early in my career, I was involved in a conversation with an older and much wiser colleague wherein I made a snarky comment about a competitor. My colleague said, "Is that how you would treat your sister?" Her comment gave me pause. I have 3 wonderful sisters, whom I adore. No, that is not how I would treat them, and I was grateful my colleague had the gumption to point out my unkindness.

So, how did we get to this point? This place where it is ok to be a "mean girl", where the "b-word" is thrown at each other like knives, where we sit in judgment of another woman's physical appearance. I believe that there are many factors that contribute, not the least of which is media scrutiny, pressure to look a certain way, and movies, television and books depicting meanness and unkindness as funny or entertaining. We are taught to hate our bodies, so we compare and contrast to our sisters in an effort to feel better about ourselves. Along life's path, we stifled our nurturing spirits. We layed down our arms and allowed ourselves to be devalued. We surrendered our power to be kind.

I am here to say that it is time to take back what is rightfully ours as women - our nurturing, compassionate, and loving selves. It is time to be the powerful women who bring light to our sisters in their darkest hours, the amazing women who right a wrong, who stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves. It is time to be the incredible women who cherish each other and choose not to stand in judgment, but rather stand side by side, arm in arm in this righteous battle to take back our power to be kind.

With awe and gratitude I acknowledge those women who already embrace kindness as a virtue, as a way of life. I am moved by the brave girls and women in our Center who demonstrate tenderness to their sisters in treatment, even when they are unsure of their own incredible worth. I marvel at the professional women in this field who reach out their arms in loving support of their clients and colleagues. These are the women who get it right. These women are my heroes.

So, my sisters, as I take on this challenge myself, I would like to say "I am sorry" for my own participation in this unkind game. I forgot who I was. I forgot that I am part of a universal sisterhood and my actions reflect on those that I love, and who love me. Will you join me in the fight to reclaim kindness? Will you stop thinking and saying unkind things about your sisters? Will you stop thinking and saying unkind things about yourself? Will you gently help others refrain from any unkind or judgmental comments so that we can, together, lay a new path toward reclaiming what is rightfully ours: the power to be kind?

Please...remember who you are.

Tamara Noyes
Director of Business Development
Center for Change

I AM recovered.

2012-06-19T13:37:06-07:00

When it comes to eating disorders, many of you know that I believe in being fully recovered. (Period.) When I read the piece below in an email last week, I immediately wanted to share it with others. Thanks for allowing me to do that, Karine!

I AM recovered.

Because I am free, I feel free and happy, but I want to do only the things that make me feel good. I look after myself. I don’t think about food, counting calories and thinking I can’t eat that or I am not ALLOWED to eat that! (I think the words we use are key as well in the recovery that was a very important step).

I enjoy it and I have pleasure when I eat, I listen to my body and to myself. I enjoy life, I have a social life, I go out, eat everywhere, anything that I want. I trust myself and my body to rebalance. I engage with people, I travel without planning ahead about food, I do my shopping very relaxed and even excited about the things I want to eat. I know how to calm myself down. I have developed lots of compassion for myself, making me feel secure with my body image and with my decision. I’m not scared about failure (I even like to add I’ve learned so much from my mistakes that I’m ready to make a few more!) I’ve learned how to laugh about myself and not to be a control freak when things go wrong. I don’t blame myself. I have developed lots of self-compassion. When I’m travelling I just go out there and can go anywhere, I love it. I don’t really care about what people are going to think or say about me (as I trust those who care and love me for me) I don’t think about it. I also accept a NO, I don’t feel rejected when someone disagrees or says no, I don’t feel like it’s the end of something and I actually think I am learning from someone who challenges my opinion.

Also, if someone asks a question or checks what I’m eating, I don’t explain, or more, justify myself. Sometimes I have had a big lunch, and so a lighter dinner, but as I’m having dinner people check on my plate, I don’t really spend time talking/responding to this as I know what is good for me! And this is another big point which complicates recovery, making it more difficult or harder. It’s what people do and how they look at you (even family). As you want to convince them that you’re fine now with food, you can over eat just to show them!! This is wrong as you are not yourself!!

- Karine Berthou, Founder & CEO, Succeed Foundation

Surf's Up: An eating disorder recovery message from Meg

2012-04-13T11:00:26-07:00

When I first started my surfing class at the beginning of this semester I was blown away by how similar it was to recovery.

I began to get to know the beach and each week became more familiar with the ever changing tides, how the bottom of the ocean affected the way the waves broke that week. Usually there's a dip in the floor of the ocean that is close to shore that creates a spot for the waves to break - perfect place to catch a wave right? So so wrong. This is where surfing relates to recovery. I paddle out and then a wave curls itself over me sending me into somersaults under water. In those moments all I am doing is trying to stop twirling and make my way up to the surface so I can gasp some air into my lungs.

I find my board and go at it again, only to be clobbered by waves over and over again. This is what Ed feels like. It feels hopeless. He makes you feel like you can't move anywhere and you will never be able to breathe for more than just a few moments, so why do you keep trying to recover? But FINALLY, you get past where the sets of waves are breaking and you get to a calm place where you can sit for a moment, regain some strength until you feel strong enough to go at it again. Often times, you go straight back to being clobbered by waves, but soon, something happens and you catch a wave and you find yourself STANDING UP!!! This is like the moment in recovery where you finally find some freedom. Where you have a moment of defeating Ed and glimpse a moment of life. Yes, you'll have to keep fighting the waves. Yes, you'll have to keep practicing standing up on your surfboard - but soon, you'll be standing on your surfboard all the time!

Like I said, when I first started my surf class, I saw how similar to recovery it was. However, last week I realized how my surfing is totally mirroring my recovery right now. Last week we had some good waves and I got up a few times at the beginning of the class, but then I began to struggle and couldn't get up again. I stood near the shore with the waves lapping against my shins holding my board on top of my head trying to analyze what I was doing wrong. Maybe I was trying to take too many waves and I needed to be more patient and wait for the right one. Maybe I was just getting tired and needed a break. I went back out again only to keep falling off my board every time I tried. I finally went up to my teacher, Allain, and asked him what I could do to improve when he imparted his surfer wisdom upon me. "I saw you get up so I know you can do it, so I started trying to figure out what you were doing wrong. You need to go with the waves. You're trying to go a different direction and you have to let go and be one with the waves."

Needless to say, I didn't really catch many more waves that day, but Allain's comment hit me later that night. It means many things to me. I have this vision of what recovery and recovered is "supposed" to look like, yet I don't have my own definition. I know there are still things from my eating disorder that I won't let go of and surrender to. I take on entirely too much and forget to take care of myself. But most of all, I feel like deep down inside I'm fighting against listening to my heart because it scares me to listen to it. And in that way I'm fighting the waves, because going with the waves and listening to my heart will lead me in the natural direction I'm meant to go to.

So maybe my next surf class I can practice not fighting against the waves and as I do that I can practice listening to my heart.

- Meg Burton

8 Recovery Tips: From Ed Recovery Jax Online Support Meeting (3/1/12)

2012-03-05T18:34:56-08:00

I participated in an incredible online chat last week with the Ed Recovery Jax Support Group. Thanks to everyone who joined! The participants asked me to post information that I talked (a.k.a. slowly typed) about that night on this blog. So, what follows are 8 recovery concepts--- things that I found particularly helpful in achieving full freedom from Ed.

1.    Get to a place where Ed is NOT an option. On the list of ways you deal with life, remove Ed’s name!

2.    Believe in recoverED.

3.    FULLY embrace food! If you have my latest book Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, read the chapter called “Jump.”

4.    Surround yourself with supportive people and tattletale on Ed.

5.    Give yourself time and patience for body image to heal. (Don’t go back to Ed when you start feeling uncomfortable in your body.)

6.    Talk about what you don’t want to talk about (in therapy, group, etc.). Ed loves it when you keep secrets, so don’t.

7.    Incorporate spirituality into your recovery--- whether that means 12-step meetings, nature, church, music, or something else.

8.    Don’t wait around for recovery to be easy. It’s not. Find the hard part and tackle that. You can do it!

If you want to participate in the next online support meeting, which will be on Thursday at 8:30 EST, just sign up beforehand at www.edrecoveryjax.ning.com.

Also, check out the new book written by Carolyn Costin, MA, MEd, MFCC, and Gwen Schubert Grabb called 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder. It is a must-read on the recovery shelf!

I look forward to hearing from you. Please comment and post helpful recovery tips for others!

Best,

Jenni

Is there a Guitar in your Closet? - Realizing your Dreams in the New Year

2012-01-26T07:39:43-08:00

I bought a guitar in high school. At the time, I was struggling with an eating disorder and its various underlying issues, including high anxiety and perfectionism. Needless to say, I did not learn to play that instrument. Instead, I shoved the guitar into the back of my closet where it lived for almost twenty years.

Malnutrition prevented me from having the physical strength and energy to press the strings down on the guitar. And perfectionism told me that if you can’t perform perfectly, don’t do it at all. Since playing the guitar is fun, I also had trouble with that aspect of making music. In those days, I restricted fun (and life in general) in the same way that I limited my food intake.

Anxiety and related fears made me wonder, “Is playing guitar even possible for me?” Unfortunately, I decided that it is easier not to try than to fail. What I know now is that life is all about doing the impossible. As toddlers, I am sure we all thought that walking upright on two legs just wasn’t in the cards for us. It probably seemed too difficult. But none of us is still crawling around on all fours to get from one place to another. We did the impossible!

Is there a guitar in your closet? I am not talking about an actual instrument. I am referring to a deep desire, an unlived dream, or maybe an uncovered passion. Like dusty guitars, our hopes and aspirations tend to get shoved into the back of closets.

Time and time again, eating disorders and addictions get in the way of these life goals. In order to heal and to get my life back, I first had to make recovery a priority. After years of sweat, hard work, and simultaneous letting go, I finally found freedom. Happily, I discovered that when you add recovery to a guitar, you get a guitar player!

Of course, playing my guitar took more than just recovering from my eating disorder. Recovery did give me a solid ground to do it though. Ultimately, I had to open that closet door. In the beginning, I simply set the guitar on a stand in my living room where it became a lovely piece of room décor for a year or so. This might not sound like much progress, but it was for me. Finally, I was acknowledging my passion. I was facing my fear and setting an intention.

Action came next— I held the guitar in my arms. I signed up for lessons. My instructor advised me to practice every day, and I immediately thought that I was too busy for that kind of daily routine. But she continued to say that all I had to do was strum at least one chord each day. Even if I only played for one minute a day, she said that I would reap benefits. I was surprised to discover that she was right. We can actually get a lot done in one minute. One minute a day adds up to six hours in a year. In my case, that equaled six more hours than I had been practicing the year before. Never forget the slogan: progress, not perfection.

We often believe “I am too old”” for this or that. But are we? At age fifteen, I thought that I was already too old to learn how to play a new instrument. In my mind, I had deciphered that it would take ten years before I could play fluently. The truth is that I learned a simple song during my first lesson. Even if it had taken ten years, by age twenty-five, I would have been playing all kinds of songs with ease. Instead, in my mid-twenties, my guitar simply had lots of dust on it. I recently met a ninety-year-old woman who just started taking piano lessons. A friend who never thought she could be a mom recently adopted a baby girl. Many of my colleagues switched gears and entered brand new careers after age fifty. We are never too old to dream.

One more hurdle to fulfilling our desires can be obsessive preparation. I started playing my guitar well before I had solidified a plan regarding what I was actually trying to accomplish as a musician. We frequently put off doing something, because we are “getting ready.” While preparation is necessary, it can hinder us when it becomes an excuse for not taking real action. Sometimes, we do, in fact, have to “just do it” before we have everything mapped out. We can figure it out along the way.

This New Year, make a resolution to get your guitar out of the closet. Maybe you have an actual instrument. Or maybe you want to get more connected spiritually, go back to school, or even write a book. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, start changing. You, too, will be playing a song in no time!

Photo taken by Gene Chavez on December 28, 2011, at my first official music gig in Austin, TX!

Final Holiday Messages of Hope: Sarah Blumenthal and Caroline Perris

2012-01-03T19:56:05-08:00

Over the past week or so, I have posted messages of hope from others to help provide additional support during the holidays. Now that January 3rd has arrived, I guess I should stop talking about the holidays and move on with 2012! Here are some final recovery thoughts from Sarah and Caroline. Thanks to all of you (Meg, Kyla, Vic, Caroline, and Sarah) who shared your amazing stories.

I would love to hear from more of you! Please feel free to post words of inspiration on this page as a comment or on my Facebook page.

I look forward to hearing from you!

All the best,

Jenni

Words from Sarah Blumenthal:

I was anorexic; I had anorexia; I was over it, or at least as over it as one can be. Believe it or not, that happens. Anorexia is a way of thinking that I know I’ll never be entirely done with, but look where I am now. I’m happy, healthy, and active. I’m engaged, social, willing to speak my experiences. I’m open, alert and finally, full.

Words from Caroline Perris:

I was thirteen when I purged for the first time. I cannot say for certain what was running through my mind at that time, only that I had been depressed and suicidal for years and had begun to believe that changing my body might magically make all my problems disappear. I was wrong. Bulimia and later anorexia took over my life. After nearly a year of starving and purging I decided enough was enough. I found the courage to reach out to one of my teachers for help, and less than a week later, I was in an intensive outpatient program for eating disorders.

I did not understand how long or difficult a process recovery was going to be. I hated missing out on school and life in general, but I still could not find the motivation to move forward in recovery. I spent the next five years of my life in and out of hospitals, residential, inpatient, and intensive outpatient treatment. The treatment helped to keep me alive, but the motivation for recovery is something I believe I found within myself after realizing that a life with an eating disorder is not a real life or the kind of life I want to live. And now, five years later, I can finally say that I am moving in a positive direction, toward recovery.

I am finally able to recognize all that my eating disorder has taken away from me. Although I was angry at my parents for initially sending me to treatment, I am now grateful for the actions they took which most certainly kept me alive. I still struggle, but I am able to persevere through my worst days with the hope that someday I will be ED free. I find inspiration through the many role models in my life, especially the ones who have successfully recovered from an eating disorder. At many times in my life, I have felt hopeless, but by reading Life Without Ed and listening to those who have recovered, I have come to believe that recovery is possible

At the moment, I am in my senior year of high school, out of treatment and looking toward to the future—ED free! There are so many goals I have for myself and I am determined to let nothing, especially my eating disorder, get in the way.

Holiday Message of Hope Continued: Vic Avon

2012-01-02T12:46:06-08:00

The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness, but for many of us it’s a time filled with much anxiety and struggle. I know I dreaded the holidays for years, and even after being in recovery for three years I know that there has been a certain level of angst when they come rolling around. There could be a million recovery messages that I could share with you, but I’d rather share with you a personal experience from this current holiday journey. Three weeks before Christmas Day I suffered an expected loss in my family. Not only did I lose my best friend, but I lost the most important source of strength in my life. She was always there to comfort me when times were rough and provided me with everything I needed in order to help me grow and recover. When I lost her I was devastated, but more importantly I was afraid that I couldn’t stay strong and keep going on this journey all alone. With the holidays quickly approaching I knew this was going to be a huge test for me. I was being faced with a choice: to run away and crumble, or to have confidence in myself and know that I could do this.

The days passed and without even knowing it I realized I had made my choice. I began believing in myself. I knew that when my Angel left me she had done so after teaching me so much and helped drag me out of the darkness. She left me when she knew I’d be OK. I used every coping skill I had learned, and went through every single day living the way she would have wanted me to. Christmas weekend arrived and I threw myself into every challenged and plowed through each of them. Christmas day came and I threw myself into a formerly challenging family situation and when it was all said and done I didn’t feel like a misfit anymore, I wasn’t thinking about what I was eating, and I wasn’t sinking into my shell. I was enjoying it. When I sit here and think about all of this I have more confidence than ever before that I can do this on my own. I know now that I am strong enough to overcome anything that life can throw at me. I know this would never have been possible if I did not start the recovery journey three years ago. I thought I was broken for so long, but this recovery process has put me back together into a totally new human being. I’m nothing special, though, because anybody can get to the point I am at. If you keep fighting and never lose hope you WILL recover. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, what country you are from, how old you are, or what language you speak, if you really fight for it you will get there. If I can do it then anybody can do it. Stay strong, turn your struggles into strength, and start experiencing life.

- Vic Avon

Holiday Message of Hope Continued: Kyla Buckingham

2011-12-26T14:10:14-08:00

After a decade of being “the anorexic” and “the bulimic,” I wondered, “Maybe I’m worth more than this. Maybe I need my friends more than I need this eating disorder.” We may not choose to have eating disorders, but we can choose to treat ourselves kindly and ask for help long before we “look sick.” I hope you’re not ashamed. I hope you believe things can get better when you talk. Because they can--which is why today I work for a mental health charity to tell people that everyday.

- Kyla Buckingham

Meg's Holiday Message of Hope

2011-12-24T14:56:02-08:00

I know that many of you struggle with Ed thoughout this time of the year. (I know this, because you have sent lots of messages to me about it recently.) As my gift to you this holiday season, over the next week or so, I will share stories of inspiration from others --- to lift you up and to renew your faith that recovery really is possible. I have heard many people say, "Well, Jenni, I know that you are recovered. But you are the only person I know who did get better from an eating disorder." Many of you have asked me, "Does anyone else get better?" The answer is a big YES! I will start by sharing Meg's story.

Here is Meg Burton's message of hope for you:

One thing that use to make me want to cry was the saying, "It gets better". I could see that for other people it did get better, but I didn't understand. I felt like they forgot the pain of what it's like to be so isolated from everything and everyone when you're in your eating disorder. It was like there was a secret to getting to the place of fully recovered that people just simply weren't telling me about. There had to be something I was missing.

My parents divorced when I was one. My whole life, my father has lived on the other side of the world while I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a loving but confused stepdad who desperately attempted to keep everything together. This is where my eating disorder came in - when I took on the role of trying to keep everything together. At the end of my freshman year of high school I finally asked for help. After spending years lying not only to my treatment team, but to myself, I finally hit my rock bottom. I realized I could either try out this whole recovery business for a little bit or keep staying sick and map out exactly what would happen.

Things began to fall into place. I read Life Without Ed which kickstarted my recovery and became my bible. I found a mentor. I started to volunteer with a non profit organization and went into schools trying to prevent and raise awareness about eating disorders. I couldn't be followings Ed's orders while standing up in front of a group of students telling them to love their bodies if I wasn't trying to love mine, so it really gave me some accountability to commit to my health.

The cool thing about not doing behaviors is that so much life happens! Think about it - you can waste a month to purging or restricting in the blink of an eye. However, think about not purging or not restricting for a month and how much progress and how much life you actually live in that month! Things begin to happen. You find yourself getting excited to go out and be social, having a sleepover with girlfriends and driving to In N' Out at midnight and laughing instead of planning where you can go purge. Eventually, you even find yourself liking your body!!!

I'm not recovered yet, but each of these things continue to push me when I don't have hope. I want to be Ed free one day. I still feel like crying now when people say, "It gets better", but I want to cry because I have so much gratitude that it really DOES get better. I really am slowly, but surely, getting better. You have to grab on to whatever gives you hope and have faith that you will get to the place of recovered too. I'm right on that path with you. - Meg Burton