Spirituality and Recovery by Carolyn Costin and Keesha Broome

The Truth About Beauty

2013-04-25T10:01:35-07:00

I am excited to share this blog from Don Blackwell, a father and fearless supporter of eating disorder awareness, education, prevention and treatment. You can follow his inspirational, touching, informative musings titled "One Dad's Perspectives on Life, Love, Faith and Hope" on Wordpress.

A Little Girl, A BIG Red Balloon and A Radiant Reminder of What Being 'Beautiful" is All About

beau·ti·ful [byoo-tuh-fuh l] (adjective) - possessing qualitiesthat give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind.

By now you’ve likely seen the link to the so-called “Dove Experiment” that is making the rounds on social media. Apparently inspired by the mind-numbing statistic that accompanies the post (i.e, that “only 4% of women around the world consider themselves to be beautiful”), the ingenious folks at Dove retained the services of a retired forensic artist to prove a point, namely that women are far more critical of their own appearance, specifically their facial features, than even other women are of them! And, as evidenced by the sketches that resulted when the two groups were asked to describe the same face – and the tears that flowed from those faces when the women were confronted with their “self-harshness” – Dove did just that! The video is quite moving and its implications are profound and important. Respectfully, however, it leaves several important questions unanswered: Where do these negative self-perceptions come from? Against what standards are these women self-evaluating? How do we begin to take steps to ensure that our daughters and other loved ones are not part of a similar “experiment” and shedding those same tears 5 or 10 years from now?

Because here’s the troubling reality: As disturbing as the 4% figure in the Dove piece is – and, make no mistake, it’s deeply disturbing – I believe it also is grossly overstated! The fact is: In my 54 years occupying this planet, I don’t think I’ve ever met a single woman who, if asked, would say that she considered herself to be beautiful – and, over the years, I’ve met (and I continue to meet) many beautiful women. Conversely, if you were to ask women (and, again, I’m talking about 99% (if not 100%) – not just 96% - of all women) if there is a physical feature or characteristic about themselves that they wish they could change, all of them would readily find at least one thing, if not several. Ask them why they would change those things, however, and the response is not likely to be as quick. I know, because I did just that yesterday with a young attorney friend, who recently celebrated her 33^rd birthday. She not only is a great person, she is beautiful. And yet, she will tell you she’s one of the 100% (i.e., there are things about her that, given the chance, she would change and she certainly doesn’t “consider herself beautiful”). Ironically, she was the one who insisted that I see the Dove spot. We chatted about it at some length in anticipation of this post and I presented her with the following:

“If I were to go out on the street right now and select 50 men at random – of all shapes, sizes, ages, backgrounds and ethnicities – and ask for a showing of hands as to how many of them think you’re beautiful, I am 100% CERTAIN that every hand would go up, without a moment’s hesitation. I’m equally CERTAIN that if I did the same thing in 50 different states and 100 different cities, I would get the same response – with a possible exception or two (allowing for the fact that since the cross-section is completely random, we might stumble upon one or two blind people!).” At this point she was blushing a bit, while simultaneously trying to allow herself to ponder the prospect that I might be speaking the truth. “Here’s what I’d like to know,” I asked: “If I were to do that and the results turned out the way I expect, would it move the needle? Would you be any more likely to consider yourself beautiful?” She paused for a moment and then, ever the honest one, conceded it (and she) wouldn’t! “What then is the standard?” I asked. “Is it other women, because I’m fairly confident they would reach the same conclusion as the men.” “I don’t think so,” she said. “I guess I just compare myself to other women and wish I had some of what they have . . .”

How do we start to move away from all of this – men and women? My cut: We’re looking in the “wrong mirrors” to assess our beauty and, in turn, to define our self-worth. It’s probably easier for me to say and think that, given the fact that I don’t have a chance in the mirror. After all, I have a really BIG HEAD. I’m not talking about big in an egocentric, swollen kind of way. I’m talking about geometrically disproportionate-to-the-rest-of-my-body big. I’m talking about make-a-child-party-hat-look-like-the-size-of-a-snow-cone-cup-on-a-basketball big. I’m talking about don’t-bother-trying-to-buy-me-a-hat-because-it-will-never-fit big. I also happen to be one of the only people on the planet to have been born with an “upside-down” smile. And then there’s the “small” issues relating to my ears (one of which is slightly lower than the other), my legs (one of which is shorter than the other), my eyebrows (one of which is higher than the other) and my shoulders (which, truth be told, are more than a little on the “relaxed” side, as opposed to being squared as I’ve repeatedly been told “they should be”). Bottom line: If studied too closely, I’m a veritable “mess” in the mirror, which probably accounts for the fact that come next year I will be left off of People Magazine’s “100 Most Beautiful People” list for what will be the 55^thconsecutive time!

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll be the last person on Earth to trivialize body image issues or the obvious power they have to influence the lives and behaviors of others, especially women. I am, however, convinced that the path to feeling good (okay, I’ll settle for better) about ourselves and, ultimately, to true happiness depends on our willingness and ability to care less about the reflection we see in the bathroom mirror each morning and more about the reflections we create in the sometimes radiant, often tear-filled eyes of those whose lives we touch with gifts that will never be captured by a mirror—gifts of friendship, kindness, trust, compassion, empathy, encouragement, understanding — even the simple gift of our mere presence and our willingness to listen. How can I be so certain? I’m certain because I’ve had the opportunity and privilege to see those reflections dozens of times in my own life—and, not surprisingly, none of them had anything to do with the size of my head, the shape of my smile, the levelness of my ears or the length of my legs. In fact, I saw it again this past Saturday, when I politely arranged for an adorable little girl to get a BIG red balloon at Chick-fil-a! That simple gesture, made anonymously to a complete stranger, led to a smile that lit up the entire restaurant – a smile that reminded me: “You know what, Don, you’re beautiful!” There, I said it . . .

You are Beauty

2013-04-12T16:52:21-07:00

"Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

What if each of us believed, really believed, that our unique smiles contributed to the overall beauty of the world? What if when we looked in the mirror, we saw meaning, purpose and grace? What if we were certain that the world would not be the same, would not be as full, if we were not a part of it?

It is our duty, our responsibility, to love and respect ourselves. We must look at ourselves with gentle, loving eyes. We must speak words of kindess to ourselves. When we start treating ourselves well, we start treating the world well. In loving ourselves, we find that our spirits are lifted, our worries lighter, our perspective more positive. We find smiles replacing frowns and beauty all around.

Today, believe that you are beautiful. Believe that your smile is necessary for the greater good of the world.

Awareness

2013-03-07T17:10:59-08:00

Last week was Eating Disorder Awareness Week - An extremely important week during which time

it is important we recognize the importance of expanding awareness about these illness and the seriousness of them and the devastation they can wreak on the lives of those who suffer and their families. Let's keep the spirit of awareness alive...

I'm old enough to remember a time when no one knew what an eating disorder was. Forty years ago, when I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, even the doctor who diagnosed me had never seen anyone with the illness but had heard about it. I could not find a doctor or therapist or anyone who had ever seen anyone like me. I have come a long way since then. I am recovered, where food and weight have taken a proper perspective in my life. No longer do i restrict my food, count calories, compromise my health or or sell my soul to look a certain way, wear a certain size or each a certain number on the scale. No longer do I battle my body. Today and for the last 30 plus years I have been battling other peoples eating disorders….helping them to become recovered too.

And the field of eating disorders has also come a long way. We have learned about the genetic predisposition, evidence based treatment and some about prevention….but we have not come far enough. In fact, in some ways we are worse off. The amount of people being diagnosed with an eating disorder is increasing, the incidence of males with eating disorders is on the rise and younger and younger children are being diagnosed. The amount of children hospitalized at 12 years and under increased 72% from 1999 - 2009!. The relentless pursuit of thinness and rampant body dissatisfaction that, do not cause, but contribute to these illnesses is epidemic. The number of people seeking treatment for an eating disorder continues to go up while the number of people being denied treatment or pulled from treatment before they are well is shameful and outrageous.

So we still have work to do in showing up , speaking out, writing letters, filing lawsuits, lobbying, convincing politicians, and in general raising awareness.

BUT….It is important to remember that we are called upon not just to spread awareness outside of ourselves….

But to increase our awareness Inside Ourselves - to tune within----- to our own hurt and suffering…to our own obstacles and barriers to wellness, to wholeness, to happiness, to our own capacity for healing, to our own capacity for love.

So many of those who suffer from an eating disorder are great advocates….. for other people …

…But you must learn to practice Maitri..or what the Buddhist call unconditional friendship with yourself, loving kindness towards yourself---- that is the hardest thingl--- but the most important.

You must be your own advocate and nurture your own healthy/soul self…... This week and Every week

you are the most important person in your life and you are the best example you could offer up to fight negative body image, disordered eating or eating disorders.

YOU are the one who can stand up to the cultural madness that tries to imply that what we look like is more important than who we are--- or that the size of our thighs is more important than the size of our hearts

You can make a difference inside yourself …and say no to the madness

You can learn to stop useless suffering and be happy with who and what you are…not a body that happens to have a soul…but a should that is housed in a precious Earth Suit for your life here on this planet.

When each of you can do this , we all will be healed…and I will gladly be out of a job

Carolyn Costin

Monte Nido & Affiliates

Everyday Miracles

2013-02-28T13:47:48-08:00

"People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on Earth. Everyday we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child - our own two eyes. All is a miracle." - Thich Nhat Hanh

What if we started to consider ourselves as miracles? Our own two feet, our legs, bellies, arms, our unique face. If we think of each part as the perfect piece to a miraculous whole we might treat our selves, especially our bodies, differently. We might regard our flesh as fabulous. We might start seeing ourselves as precious rather than looking at ourselves with judgment. Miracles are not to be critiqued. They are to be honored. Every day we live and breathe is an everday miracle. How would you treat your soul and your body today if you believed you are a miracle? Try it. See if the sky seems bluer, the couds whiter and your body more beautiful.

The Lesson of Love

2013-02-09T19:44:09-08:00

Real, beautiful words. A client shared this with us, and now it is our blessing, our duty to share it with you. May we all strive to master person love. Through our gift of humanness we are able to give interesting, deep, true love to each other, all creatures and every thing. As we spill out love we fill up in return.

"Dear Human,
You've got it all wrong. You didn't come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you will return.

You came here to learn person love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up. Often.

You didn't come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn't need ANY other adjectives.

It doesn't require modifiers. It doesn't require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It's enough. It's plenty."

Recipe for Recovery

2013-01-24T17:33:35-08:00

We often have clients create their own recipe for recovery. Below is an example of this assignment.

Preheat over to 400 degrees.

In a Large Bowl mix together these ingredients from myself that I must contribute to my recovery:

3 cups Truth

2 cups Honesty

1/2 cup Willingness

1/3 cup Openness

1/4 cup Courage

2 Tbs. Determination

3 Tbs. Self Confidence

1 Tsp. Self Worth

In a second Large Bowl mix the following ingredients from others to contribute to my recovery:

3 cups Love

2 cups Encouragement

1 cup Understanding

1/2 cup Compassion

2 Tbs. Sympathy

3 Tbs. Forgiveness

Combine Ingredients from both bowls. Pour into 12 x 12 pan. Bake in oven at 400 degrees for 25 minutes. Remove and cool. Sprinkle generously with HOPE. Then serve, share and ENJOY!

Believe

2013-01-11T10:09:44-08:00

Brilliant, beautiful words by someone who has recovered...

The start to a better world, or better life, or better future is simply our belief that it is possible. Believe in fresh starts and new beginnings. Believe the opportunity is everywhere and all around you. Believe that the universe is friendly and life is on your side. Believe you are a history event. Believe you are here for a reason. Believe that nothing is too good to be true. Believe you must take your chance. Believe it when others might not. Believe that passion persuades. Believe in doing great work. Believe that some boundaries are meant to be crossed. Believe there's always, always, always a way. Believe you are far bigger than anything that can happen to you. Believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Believe you might be that light for someone else. Believe that life is sacred. Believe the little things aren't little. Believe you are blessed. Believe in the miracle of the second chance. Believe in giving back. Believe in love and everything it touches. Believe the best about others. Believe that friendship is an honor and privilege. Believe in taking a stand. Believe in doing the right thing because it is right. Believe we can make a difference. Believe that together we are better. Believe we can build a better world. Believe in today. Believe that the best is yet to be. Believe in yourself. No matter what kind of challenge lies before you, if somebody believes in you and you believe in your dream, it can happen.

Your Trademark on the New Year

2013-01-09T14:31:34-08:00

" Never neglect the little things. Never skimp on that extra effort, that additional few minutes, that soft word of praise or thanks, that delivery of the very best that you can do. It does not matter what others think, it is of prime importance, however, what you think about you. You can never do your best, which should always be your trademark, if you are cutting corners and shirking responsibilities. You are special. Act it. Never neglect the little things." -Og Mandino

May we all start this new year with the intention to pay attention to the details. To focus on the little things that you, only you, can contribute to this world. Make your indelible mark in big ways and small. Happy New Year.

Attitude of Gratitude

2012-12-20T13:02:44-08:00

Comments by Hilary Wilson

Earlier this year I had an experience that brought gratitude to the forefront of my mind and gave me the idea of cultivating an, ‘attitude of gratitude’. While stopped at an intersection, I noticed a homeless man walking with a limp, clearly disheveled, and struggling. He was holding a sign, smiling, and waving at passing cars. On the sign he held was not a plea for money or food, but instead it read,

“Smile. It could be worse. You could be ME.”

I wish now I could go back and hug this guy. Whoever he was, whatever his story, if he only knew the power those words had on my life. They unlocked the doors to a whole world of gratitude just waiting to be explored.

Noticing the beauty and abundance in life gives a new perspective to others who are struggling on their journey. While in the midst of turmoil, it becomes difficult to acknowledge that anyone is worse off than we are.

I now keep a gratitude journal having decided that simply acknowledging what I was grateful for in my head wasn’t enough. Having something tangible to reflect on when life becomes painful or chaotic is incredibly powerful.. At the end of a long day, writing down two or three entries that relate to the day (or even to your life as a whole) can bring about a smile. And over time, continuing to write and reflect back becomes a gentle reminder to be thankful for all that we have.

Thanks & Giving

2012-11-20T09:52:50-08:00

“Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.” -W.T. Purkiser

It's that time of year. A time when we come together and come to gather. We gather our friends and family, our resources, our possessions and our gratitude. As we begin this season of gathering let's examine what it really means to give thanks. How easy it is to view this tradition passively. We create gratitude lists alongside our to-do lists. We hastily mumble our appreciations as we prepare to eat turkey. This year, let us take time to find the action in giving thanks. May we slow down and consider how we might express our gratitude and embrace our blessings through our behaviors and not just our words. This Thanksgiving may the emphasis be on the thanks AND the giving.