Why She Feels Fat by Johanna Marie McShane

saying for the day (or longer...)

2013-05-13T17:33:25-07:00

Here's a fabulous saying that someone passed along to me the other day.

We were talking about perfectionism and ways to moderate it. You guys know how hard that is to do!

Anyway, here's the saying she emailed me later that evening. Its author is Leonard Cohen.

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

How helpful is that?!

today's comic relief

2013-04-19T08:47:52-07:00

Humor is always a good and useful thing. Even (and often, especially) in times when things are stressful, scary, or sad.

So, here's a little joke for you guys.

I couldn't possibly have made this up. I'm not funny like that- I can't even remember any jokes to tell, and if I did tell any they wouldn't sound very funny... but this popped into my head yesterday when I was talking to someone about perfectionism and I thought it was right on.

How many perfectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter how many of them are available- they're all so afraid of not doing it right that none of them would be able to act.

If this is in fact a real joke that exists somewhere out there it probably has a funnier punch line- I mean, it would be worded funnier- but this is certainly accurate, right?! This is the way it popped into my head.

You perfectionists out there know how true this is. That horrible fear that if you move at all you'll do something wrong... so you'd better not move at all.

One of the seriously lousy side effects of this perfectionism stuff- ending up paralyzed and unable to make any move at all.

What Would Piglet Do?

2013-04-14T14:15:21-07:00

Yeah, you saw that right :)

I was talking to someone the other day who has been stuck for many years in a version of What Would Eeyore Do? her thoughts revolve around things like, "It'll never work" and "Everything is going to turn out badly."

I thought it'd be interesting for her to go around imagining instead what Piglet would do.

Thinking of how spunky little Piglet would go through his day gave her a whole new way of conceptualizing herself going through her own day.

I thought you guys might like the idea also :)

waterfalls, stability, and change

2013-04-07T12:14:26-07:00

I'm pretty pleased with that title by the way... (yeah, I'm such a nerd...)

I just spent a few days in Yosemite, which is in the process of emerging from its winter state.

Whenever I'm there I spend lots of time around the waterfalls that call Yosemite their home, especially Upper and Lower Yosemite Falls, (for any of you that don't know Yosemite, along with Half Dome, these falls are the iconic images that people associate with the park).

Couple of mornings ago I was sitting on a rock with a view of both falls. I know this isn't true of all waterfalls, but waterfalls in Yosemite have water levels that fluctuate depending on the season. Right now, as the snow begins to melt on the peaks above the valley the rivers start to flow and the falls have water in them. Late summer the water begins to dry up and the falls have very little flowing over them. In autumn there is virtually no water running over the falls, and any trickle that may be left in late autumn freezes over as winter approaches. The next spring the cycle commences again.

No matter what season it is, or how much water is flowing over Upper and Lower Yosemite Falls, they are always called Yosemite Falls. Not only are they called that- they ARE that. It doesn't matter if there are thousands of gallons flowing over each minute or if there's none- they are always the Falls.

What's more, if I looked away from the Falls for a minute, or even a second, and then looked back, the water I saw flowing over was different water than the water I'd seen flowing over a minute before. But still, it's always Yosemite Falls.

How's that for another example of how there can be continual change and stability at the same time. I think it's a good one. I mean, how can you go wrong with waterfalls :)

more studies in flexibility :)

2013-03-25T09:29:32-07:00

As you guys know, I like to provide examples of everyday life things that let us practice flexibility. And, you know extra I like to provide examples of when I myself have to walk the walk (just in case anyone out there still worries that they're the only one who has to work on this!).

So... this past Friday i flew to Las Vegas for a conference. I had arranged to be there Friday through Sunday. Las Vegas isn't a place I feel particularly at home in the first place. If I got to choose I'd divide my time equally between San Francisco, New York City and Yosemite probably- and you can see that none of those are desert... The air in the desert is darn dry for me, and there isn't a lot of water (ya think?!!)- and I really need to be around water... (as an aside, I did an unscientific study this weekend where I asked people- my cab driver, hotel people, people I ran into on the street- what they liked about living in/near Las Vegas, and it was neat to hear all the things they said. They like the openness of the desert, the endlessness; they like the dry quality of the air; they find the geography beautiful... there were lots of things people said, and I was glad that those people were living in a place that for them was just right)

Anyway, I flew into Las Vegas Friday morning, took a cab to my hotel, which was in a place 20 miles or so outside of the city (so, pretty much in the middle of the desert as far as I could tell...) and said goodbye to my cab driver, who had also been a terrific tour guide- I learned all kinds of things about the Las Vegas area. I entered the hotel, looking forward to putting my stuff in my room, and gave the reception lady my confirmation email.

By this time I've been through the Las Vegas airport (which is probably an awesome place for people who like slot machines and neon lights and whatnot, but I find just a tad overstimulating- and this is from a girl who loves Manhattan), in a cab for over 30 minutes, and I'm feeling like a fish out of water geographically. I really want to get my room and have a few moments of quiet.

The reception lady keeps looking through her computer. This is not usually a good sign. After a few minutes she says I don't exist in their records. This is definitely not usually a good sign...

They can't find me anywhere, even with my confirmation. AND, the hotel is totally booked. And there's only one other hotel out in this part of the desert- and it's totally booked also!

So, I think, well, this is a good time to practice all those skills that I'm always yakking about...

I had to laugh- here I am, in what feels like the middle of a desert to me and I'm going to be sleeping by a cactus. How perfect is that?! Then I thought, ok, what are my options here? Worst case scenario, I just take a cab back to the airport and fly home. If that's the worst case scenario it's not all that bad. It's not like I really was in the middle of nowhere- you can get a flight out of Las Vegas any time of any day- especially back to the SF bay area.

Once I thought of the absolute worst case I could think about other options: I could crash on a friend's hotel room floor. I could stay for just friday of the conference and fly out that night without staying overnight. I could have the hotel call the other hotel again and beg for a closet I could stay in...

I opted for having the hotel call the other hotel back and ask them again if there was a room that had opened up. Turned out that in the few minutes between calls from the first hotel to the second a room had opened up- for both nights!

So, I made a reservation over the phone and took a shuttle over (about a mile) to the second hotel. When I got there they said they had no record of a reservation for me. I just laughed. Of course they didn't have a record of it! The universe really seemed to want me to sleep by a cactus. They said sometimes it took half an hour or so for the reservation to show up. I told them I needed to be back over at the conference and could I leave my suitcase with them and come back that evening to check in. They said sure and took my bag. I took the shuttle back over to the first hotel where the conference was, figuring, again, that worst case scenario I'd go back to the other hotel, they'd still not have a record of me (or a room!) and I'd just fly out that night.

It all worked out fine. I got my room- a huge room with a big king size bed, and a fabulous bathroom that was big enough to practically live in if you wanted to.

Now I'm back at home, and I'm very glad I didn't fly back out of Las Vegas Friday night.

A few things helped me in the hotel not having my records situation. First, I could see the big picture. I knew that there were options and that I had power to choose option/s and make them work. I knew I wasn't helpless- I had real power to do what I needed and wanted to do. Second, once I thought about the worst case it provided me with a foundation- a "bottom" or a "floor" if that makes sense. The worst case is as bad as it can get, and once I saw it couldn't be all that bad even at its worst I felt calmer and not as if I could fall into a black hole of chaos or nothingness.

And third (because you know I have to get this in there somewhere...) I was honest with myself about my situation. Fact: there was a glitch in my hotel reservation. Fact: it wasn't my fault, I didn't screw up anything- in fact, who knows what actually did happen- but the situation was what it was. Fact: there were things to be done to make it all ok. Fact: I may not be thrilled about all of the options, but they did exist and I could be helped.

The truth is, it turned out perhaps better this way. Since the hotel I stayed at was about a mile away from the one where the conference was being held, I could go back to my room and get some quiet time- being a little removed from the conference turned out to be just fine. I could be there when I wanted, and be a mile away when I wanted also. Go figure, right? Sometimes things that look like a glitch or mistake on first glance actually turn out to be for the best...

today's Bumper Sticker: Proud

2013-03-20T09:36:07-07:00

I know- we haven't had a Bumper Sticker in the longest time!! I'm very excited about it!

This one isn't terribly original, but I was talking about it yesterday with someone and it's a good one to keep in mind. It can have lots of variations. The one I was using yesterday was: Eat Proud

We could also have:

Live Proud

Walk Proud

Sing Proud

Speak Proud

just to name a few...

I was going on and on about this with this person yesterday, who was being a very good sport about it-even proposed Brush Your Teeth Proud, Get Into Your Car Proud and Use Your Turn Signal Proud... at this point she was looking at me like I was nuts...

My point of course was that it's not so much what we're doing but how we're doing it, and how we're feeling about doing it. I'm Typing Proud right this minute. So, go out there and work to Do Your Day Proud :)

a saying for you

2013-02-11T19:28:18-08:00

A friend of mine told me this phrase once when I had suffered a painful rejection.

She says it's commonly said in AA, and it's very interesting to think about. I found it reassuring and helpful back when she told me, so I thought maybe you guys might find it useful also.

At the very least it will give you something to think about (like you guys need any more things to think about... :)

"Rejection is God's way of Protection"

See... pretty interesting. My friend told me this phrase when I'd been painfully rejected by someone I'd known and loved for many years. The rejection was sudden and inexplicable. I had lots of trouble figuring out what had happened- and truthfully I never did understand since it seemed unfathomable to me. Still does in fact.

But the saying helped. As I got farther along in my grieving process I could see that, although it was a terrible loss, I would be better off. This person, though I loved her dearly, was not really what she pretended to be. She wasn't as nice as she made it look.

So... I could see how being rejected by her did turn out to protect me.

Then I thought about it in terms of how our bodies work, which also made sense to me. After all, think of a sneeze! That's a way our bodies protect us, right? By rejecting whatever's parked in our nose that our body doesn't think should be there! It's actually darn cool. I can think of a bunch of other body examples, but I think I'll just leave it at that one...

Rejection is SO painful. And I'm not sure this saying applies to every situation. I mean, I've had things rejected for publication and I can't see how that's ever protected me...but I don't know everything (I know, you're all shocked) so perhaps it does apply there also...

In personal relationships, the saying sure seems to hold.

Just something to ponder.

the ups and downs of choices

2013-02-09T21:33:30-08:00

Someone was talking to me about choices.

She was upset that a choice she was about to make, while it was going to lead to a gain that was important to her, was also going to involve some loss.

It got me thinking how each choice we make is like that. Clearly, some choices involve greater gains and losses. Sometimes the gain and loss are quite small- like, for instance, what I choose to have for dinner tonight- I chose a sandwich, which was great because it was a very delicious sandwich. At the same time, I lost the opportunity to have, say, a burrito, or pasta, or... chocolate...

Here's another example. I'm about to get to have a beautiful painting come live at my house. It's painted by a very talented artist and I absolutely love the painting. The artist recently emailed me pictures of about 6 frames from which to choose from. It was a really hard choice to make! I tried to imagine the painting in each of the frames.

Eventually I settled upon two that I super liked. They were different styles and I could easily see the painting in either of them- and I'd be very happy with either of them.

I finally chose one. Then I emailed the artist and asked which one he'd like to see his painting in. He was pleased with the one I chose... so, that's that.

This was a situation where no matter what I chose things were going to work out terrific. I mean, how could I go wrong with a beautiful painting in one of two gorgeous frames?!! And, at the same time, there was a little loss- the painting won't ever sit in that frame I didn't choose.

So, what's the point of this rambling? Well, I think the point is that we often somehow assume that if we make the "right" choice everything will be perfect or golden or whatever. That if we figure out the "perfect" choice everything will feel great and there will only be things gained. The point is that, in reality, even the best choice we can make in any moment can have some gain and some loss. And that's not a reflection of us being lame or of us having made a bad or wrong choice. It's just the nature of choice.

when to hold 'em when to fold 'em

2013-01-21T18:59:48-08:00

I'm going to totally date myself with that title and how I even know that phrase...

And now I'll not only look old but silly also, because I while I know it's from a song I forget if that song is by Willie Nelson or Kenny Rogers... but it's by one of those guys... I can see all you youngsters out there rolling your eyes and thinking "who the heck are those singers anyway????"

Whatever...

Have you considered how important it is to know when to hold em and when to fold em? It's crucial. If we confuse these we can wear ourselves out, become very frustrated, and even hopeless sometimes.

I saw an example of this recently. An 84 year old friend of mine became very ill a couple months ago with cancer. She went downhill quickly and by the holidays she had only a few weeks to live. She was a person, like many people, who wasn't at all ready to be done with her life. The illness had taken her completely by surprise and she was deeply angry at it and at her circumstances. She vowed to fight the illness with all she had. She was going to hold 'em no matter what.

Fighting to live can be a really, really good plan. In her case, though, fighting wasn't going to get her better, it wasn't going to change the illness. She absolutely would not accept this, and continually maintained that she could win the battle.

It was so sad to see her spend her precious time left with the people she cared about fighting and fighting, instead of using that time to say anything she needed to and wanted to, and to get to soak up the little time she had left with those people. In addition to this, she exhausted herself- increasing her pain level and depleting her energy reserves.

But she was 100% convinced she should "hold 'em"

I disagreed on that one. I believed that in her situation she should "fold 'em" (and don't misunderstand me here- I am a huge fan of fighting to survive- when it's at all useful to us). But I don't get to choose...

Here's an example of a time when it was really important to hold 'em and to not fold- and this is minor of course compared to my friend losing her life. But it's an example that just came to mind, so I'll tell you.

When I was taking one of my psychology board exams I had moments of "almost about to fold em."

It was a 4 hour exam that covered anything and everything (yeah, anything- and that's like 12 different whole disciplines of psychology and they can ask you anything they want to from any of the different 12 or so fields- and they can ask you for as many details as they want... it's not pretty! It's the kind of test you study for for a year or so- and I like tests and I especially like studying, so it says something that I was darn unhappy about this one!).

There were 4 times during that exam that I started to cry out of frustration and exhaustion and stress/anxiety (oh, and I also forgot my reading glasses, so even seeing the questions clearly was a real challege- this didn't help the situation AT aLL!). And there were 2 times that I began to get up, pack my things, and get the heck out of there. I came ridiculously close to folding em. I SO wanted to.

But this was a time where folding em wouldn't have been a good thing at all. If I wanted to be a psychologist I had to pass this exam- there was another exam coming after that one, and you're not allowed to sit for it unless you've passed this first one. And you're not going to get a license unless you've passed both of the them. So... (oh, and you can only take the first one a few times in total, and it's also only offered like once every 6 months or a year or something...)

I gathered all my resolve, told myself that although I was certain I had failed, I wasn't going to quit, that I was going to see it through. And I did. This was a time that there was a possible good outcome- and I wasn't getting hurt in the exam, I was just super frustrated, grumpy, resentful, tired... So quitting wasn't the right option.

I found out about a month later that I had indeed passed- which totally surprised me given how I'd felt during and after the exam. Wouldn't it have been a terrible idea to have quit? I would have for sure failed then. And my confidence would have taken a horrible pounding. And it would have been very hard to get myself to sit for the exam ever again.

There are millions of examples of when to hold em and when to fold em. I'm sure you guys have examples yourselves. I'd love to hear any of them and about your process of deciding if the situation goes into the hold em or fold em category, and why.

a little rant

2012-12-28T13:32:50-08:00

Ok, can I just rant a little for a second?

I think clothes are a real problem.

You're going to think I'm crazy, I know!

But hear me out...

I was talking to someone the other day about leggings. I was saying that I really like wearing leggings because they're comfortable. She was saying she didn't like leggings because they make her feel fat.

It got me thinking about why I think leggings are so comfortable. And you know what I realized? That I like leggings because they conform to my body.

They don't require ME TO CONFORM TO THEIR SHAPE!!! They arrange themselves to MY shape! I think that's very cool.

The problem with so many clothes is that they demand that we somehow make our bodies into a shape that fits what the clothes say is the right shape. Well... I object.

I mean, not ALL clothes do this, but many do. And I think it's silly. I do realize that in order to maintain the economics of the world manufacturers have to manufacture in bulk, not for each individual body- but that leads to a message that we should make our bodies into the shape that the jeans happen to come in.

So... I'm going to stick with my leggings... I'm even wearing some right now, and they're super comfortable and help me remember that I have a fabulously healthy, happy body.

Thanks for letting me rant :)