Why She Feels Fat

Tenths and even hundredths of a teaspoon

2010-07-28T15:06:23-07:00

Paws, you are right that this incremental approach to making changes applies to food- and to virtually everything (makes approaching changes just a tad less daunting since we can always use this system- no matter the type of change we're taking on).

Remember when PTC took on that challenge of walking one time without her heart rate monitor? It was crucial that afterward she tell herself something like: "I did this one time, for one block, and that was the end of this challenge."

One of the big problems people run into when they try things (or even before they try something!) is to get too far ahead of themselves in terms of what the thing they're trying "means" and "what will happen next" and "what should happen next" and "how fast should I make the next thing happen next" and on and on and on and... and then massive anxiety and the thought: "I'll flippin' never try this again!" and "I'm a failure" and other lousy things you guys say to yourselves.

You have to get yourself to stay right where you are. So, say it's 1/100 of a teaspoon of ice cream you're thinking of trying. Ok. Good. Go for it. And then that's done. End of project. Don't let yourself get lost in thoughts about whether you should now try 1/50 of a teaspoon, or how soon you should try 1/50 of a teaspoon, or that normal people could have the whole teaspoon already... these kinds of thoughts will only ruin the moment (and preclude you from being able to see how really cool the thing you just did was!!!).

Then, at some point you may try 1/100 teaspoon again. Or you may not. Or you may try something else (either 1/100 teaspoon of some other food, or 1/75 teaspoon of ice cream...who knows... there are lots of options for experimenting). Give yourself permission to do one experiment at a time- and NO more than that.

Our psyches are not at all fooled if/when we say the words "I'm going to have 1/100 teaspoon of ice cream and that's it for the project and I'll be really proud and happy with myself" if we don't really honestly mean them! Our psyches know when we're not telling the truth. So, if you say the above sentence but what you actually mean is something like: (probably said with a mean-ish tone of voice) "Ok, I'll do this silly little project of 1/100 teaspoon of ice cream, but it's such a small amount that I'm ridiculous, and all that will really count is when I'm eating a whole bowl of ice cream- until then I'm lame" then you're only going to get yourself into trouble with yourself! And that will result in increased anxiety, feeling like you're lame and worthless and incompetent, and likely never getting to have that 1/100 teaspoon of ice cream. And how sad would that be?!

Familiarity being more comfortable

2010-07-27T12:04:05-07:00

It's a funny thing, familiarity. It's so, well, so familiar. Duh, right?! And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, familiarity can be a great thing. There's nothing quite like seeing a familiar face in a crowd, or putting on a familiar pair of shoes, or visiting a familiar city or park... We humans (all us animals I bet) really like familiarity. Sometimes we like it SO much though that we cling to it. Sometimes we cling to it so much that doing so is detrimental to us. Sometimes we even know it's detrimental to us and yet we are too afraid to not cling to what's familiar. This accounts for a lot a why we stick with things long after we become aware change would be good for us. Fear is such a powerful thing. Fear of the unknown and therefore fear of changing at all towards what's unknown is sometimes enough to keep us right where we are. Even at GREAT cost to ourselves. What can we do when we know some kind of change is the right thing? Like the kind of change Courtney is talking about- that she may know she's not yet on the right planet for her but she doesn't know how to move-she's too afraid to leave what's familiar, even though she realizes being on the current planet isn't ideal for her. This won't surprise anyone you, but I think one of the key ingredients is Non-perfectionism. Because one of the quickest ways to get us too afraid to move (in any way, no matter how big or small) is to have thoughts like: well, once I go I can never come back; I have to make s clean break from this planet; I have to make the move ALL at once, and FAST... Any of this type of thought is a recipe for becoming paralyzed with fear and then not being able to even wiggle. The good news is that there exist ways to be systematic, organized, methodical, and (gasp!) moderate about a change. An enormous change like experimenting with, and perhaps eventually deciding to move to, a new planet, needs to be broken down into many steps, with data and evidence gathered at every step. When you think about it this is so obvious, right? But so often people think they should somehow magically and instantly make some big change. Oh yeah, like in the movies, where one scene ends and magically and instantly the character has moved across the world, has a new job and hair cut, and a totally different life... At least on Spongebob there's a little caption that says "6 years later" to inform us that time has passed- and yes I am aware that in that case it's usually because Spongebob is doing something ridiculous that you could never believe he'd be doing for sooooo long... But you get my point I know! In terms of Planet Investigating and Choosing you'd want to find out about other planets- you know, like go online and search Google; ask Facebook friends; Tweet about it... There are millions of ways to get info about planets these days. You couldn't possibly choose a planet to live on without exploring it first- so, over time, start visiting the new planet/s. See what life is like there, what the creatures are like, how you feel hanging out with them. Only after lots and lots of experience would you make the commitment to move yourself and your life there. (sometimes we do have to make big changes fast, and that's a different thing than I'm talking about here- there's a whole other way to approach and manage those kinds of situations). This process works well for practically ANY change we want or need to make- wether it be finding a new planet, a new house, a new way of relating to food and eating, just about a new anything. The key is in the breaking it down into reasonable steps and assessing what you find out at each step. And in letting yourself get used to (familiar with:) each step along the way. One of the fabulous things about being orderly like this is that we get to feel more in control (because we ARE more in control!!, and that's always fun :)

knowing what planet you're on

2010-07-23T15:35:04-07:00

Someone who read the post about being on a new planet and not understanding how it works told me she thought she knew exactly how the planet worked but "just couldn't do" it right.

It made me think more about this planet thing. I stand by everything I've said so far- about how to learn about the new planet and how to give yourself time to adjust and how to be patient and ask questions and not try to do it all alone. I think that's all spot on for what the heck to do once you've arrived on your new "totally awesome" planet (I'm trying to remember the exact term SuperEgg used about her new planet- something to the effect of totally awesome...).

But what if you haven't left the old planet? And how do you know if you've left the old planet, or if you've arrived on a new planet?

Often, when we're stuck on an old planet we don't realize that there are other planets out there- it doesn't even occur to us that we may have options (CHOICE!!!) about what planet we'd like to live on. When we've spent a long, long time on one planet, we tend to think the way that planet is, and does things, and behaves, is the "normal" way.

This is exactly what my client was saying, although she didn't realize it. She actually hasn't left her old planet yet. She can, in a clear moment, get a glimpse of a new planet out there- and it looks enticing and peaceful for her- she can see that she'd fit in there and that the ways of doing life on that planet really work well. But, that's in a clear moment.

Much of the time though she still doesn't get to have clear moments. She's still quite mired in trying to "be good" about the ways of the old planet- trying to do it the way people on the old planet do it, trying to change herself (and in the process, losing touch with what's true to herself) into something that "looks right" for the old planet. Consequently, she spends a lot of time feeling guilty that she can't "get it right" and feeling like a failure and thinking she should banish herself from the world.

As long as she stays on this old planet she'll never have any true peace. While in that world she's stuck with only 2 options: try to be someone other than herself so she can fit in (and this only works for a very brief period of time before it backfires BADLY- and even for that brief period of time trying to do this is costing her tremendously) or be who she really is and face horrible opposition and criticism and misunderstanding. What a couple of really lousy (and impossible) options to have to choose from!

The only way out is to leave the planet to go live on one that's truly hospitable. I know that's easier said than done. I know it requires huge amounts of courage, and effort, and patience, and a good amount of faith and support thrown in there also!

But if the options are to either be on a planet where there's not ANY chance of it ever working, or taking the chance to move to a new planet where it will in fact work....

New planets

2010-07-20T16:36:22-07:00

Ok, first of all, there's no off topic on our friendly little blog. I mean, hey, if I can write about llamas and kangaroos... Anything that's interesting and helpful for you guys is great as far as I'm concerned- well, you know, within those usual boundaries of no one hurting themselves or someone else and no one being mean to themselves or someone else...that kind of thing. The whole point of this blog is for you guys to have a place to ask about and talk about what's meaningful to you. Ok, now on to our topic, arriving on a new planet. New planets, new countries, new schools, new towns...any new environment we enter has it's own unique characteristics, climate, air temperature, culture...language (formal language as well as informal language unique to the area). SuperEgg, you're talking about a whole new planet, and that's a bigger change than, say, relocating to the next town over in your same county. Of course things would seem new- and baffling too! Everything from what the creatures on the new planet eat to what they wear to how they talk to what they consider important can be different from how life was on your planet. It sounds like you like this new planet a lot, and it sounds like the move was the right thing to have done. I'm glad for you. It's a fabulous thing to finally arrive on the correct planet for ourselves! There are two crucial things for you keep in mind and try to get yourself to do: have patience and ask questions. No one on your new planet expects you to know every single custom- you get lots and lots of time to check out the culture and figure out what you want to do and how you want to maneuver in this world. AND, no one expects you to figure out how the planet works on your own. You get to ask as many questions as you want to (and- and this is super cool- you get to ask each question as many times as you want to, in as many different ways as you want to!!). And another thing- even people who have lived on this new planet for their whole lives don't know every single thing about it! There are always new things to learn, new places to discover, new things to explore. So don't get all perfectionistic about it and think that somehow there's a right and not-right way to live on hour planet. Try to just think of it as a way cool adventure. Seriously, because that's what it is. And finally, after what sounds like a very long time, you have gotten yourself to this awesome new world- so, go ahead, enjoy it...let yourself relax a little and explore the planet. It's like an amusement park (or, for me, a shoe store!): half the fun is running all over the place just seeing what's there!!

thinking about the future while staying in the present

2010-07-18T16:13:25-07:00

Laura, your comment illustrates a couple of really cool things- including staying in the moment and planning for the future. It also illustrates Moderation and Realistic-Humanness (yes, I did just make up that word...).

It can seem a strange idea that we could remain in the moment with ourselves and simultaneously think about or plan for or have feelings about the future. The idea seems somehow contradictory, right?

It's all about where we are grounded, or "primarily positioned" (yeah I made that term up too, and I do get it that's it's nerdy sounding). If we can stay grounded in the present moment we can then think about anything we want to and not get un-present/unconscious/zoned/disconnected from ourselves.

I once gave someone an image she could hold onto as she went into a stressful situation, one in which she figured it'd be hard for her to stay connected to herself.

She'd imagine she was seat-belted into her chair (comfortably and securely seat-belted in). This would remind her to stay firmly grounded in the present, to "stay in her chair," and it would also alert her to times in which she was "drifting" out into the future (because she would "feel" herself squirming to get past and out of the seat belt).

The situation she was going to be in was going to require her to be very sharp and on her toes intellectually, and it was going to require her to think about the future and make quick decisions about the future. The quality of decisions she would make depended upon her ability to stay in the present and not become disconnected from herself (because we all know the more disconnected we are from ourselves the less able we are to know what we feel, what we want, and what's truly in our best interest, right? Right :)

The seat-belt image came about several years ago. As far as I know, she's still using it regularly as a concrete way of gauging how "in the present" or "out of the present" she is.

An addition to the trapeze thought

2010-07-15T11:58:00-07:00

Excellent point, PTC, and it makes a good Bumper Sticker, something like: You can have an eye on the future and a thought about the past while still being wholly in the moment. There's something worth pondering :) Actually, that really is worth pondering! Like, how can that be true? How can we stay totally present and in the moment AND also think about/plan for/have feelings about (like be excited about something in the future) what hasn't happened yet? And how can we be totally in the moment AND have thoughts/feelings about the past? Funky...yet completely doable.

the trapeze

2010-07-14T19:54:57-07:00

Recently I heard of a cool image for staying in the moment.

It was told to me by someone who had heard it at an OA meeting and very much liked the image. She said that staying in the moment was a lot like swinging on a trapeze- you may have aspirations of grabbing the next trapeze as it comes along, but your real job is to concentrate only on holding on to the trapeze you're holding onto at the moment.

If you get too far ahead of yourself, preoccupied with the next trapeze, you'll prematurely let go of the one you're on at the moment... and down you'll go. Similarly, if you get stuck focusing on the trapeze you previously were just on before this current one, you'll get into trouble also.

No matter what your plan for the future is, you really do have to staying in the moment, firmly attached to the current trapeze you're swinging on.

Then, once it's time to grab hold of the next trapeze, when being in the moment means it's time to transition to the next one, then and only then should you let go of the current trapeze and grab onto the next one.

Hope I'm explaining it decently! Pretty good image...

2 Perfection Deflection Awards and a reminder to all of us

2010-07-13T19:18:16-07:00

Both Wendy and Laura get Perfection Deflection Awards. Wendy gets one for never giving up in her recovery and keeping going no matter what! (and also for recognizing this about herself!). Laura gets one for experimenting with thinking her own thoughts and making her own choices! Yay for both of you. Keep up the good work.

And... a friendly reminder...

I was talking with someone the other day, someone who is doing really good work on herself. She's recently begun taking over responsibility for monitoring some aspects of her recovery that she's been hesitant to monitor up until now. It's a big project, one she's taking very seriously and one that she's going to be pretty darn good at as she gets used to it! You know, any of these projects we take on in recovery require an adjustment period...then we settle into them and become used to them.

So, this is all good, right? I think so. I'm super proud of her and think she has a lot of courage to try out this new way of being. It's a big change for her.

But one of this person's most frequently used phrases is: I should be done with this by now (or a variation of it, like: I shouldn't still be worried about this thing... or I'm not working fast enough...). Anyone smell perfectionism?

I'm sure you all know what friendly reminder is coming up here! Yep... Progress Not Perfection, for one thing. And, Look at where you are and how hard you've worked and be proud of that, instead of looking where you think you should be and being mad that you aren't there!

today's kangaroo sighting

2010-07-10T22:52:36-07:00

So, after work today I went on that same hike- the one where I first spotted my (imaginary) kangaroo.

This evening, as I was approaching that same hill I said to myself, "I bet I'll see that kangaroo again!" And, sure enough, there he was.

And he looked just as real as the first time. And I caught myself still continuing to wish he was real so I could have him come live with me.

What was different this time was that I could predict that I'd see him, and that I knew with certainty that although I was going to "see" him, he'd only be a figment of my imagination, a twist of perception.

Why the heck is this important? Well, I'm not telling you this to increase (or confirm) you guys' thoughts that I'm quite odd... I'm telling you to point out that this is the way we can deal with thoughts/perceptions/etc that turn out to be inaccurate- even when they seem SO real.

Here's a non-kangaroo-related example! Say, for instance, you're going to a party. You're general first response to walking through the door to any party is to say to yourself, "I suck. No one's going to like me."

Like my second encounter with my kangaroo friend, you can predict that you'll say this rotten thing to yourself. AND you can remind yourself that it is a figment of your imagination (because it IS a figment of your imagination...of course people at the party will like you, and you don't suck. Ok, maybe not every single person in the world will like you (hello, perfectionist alert!!!) but it's not true that every person at every party you go to will dislike you. That's just not possible! sheesh...plenty of people- WAY ENOUGH people- will like you in this lifetime :)

I know this takes practice. A lot of practice! Predicting my kangaroo sighting and being clear he's fiction is soooo easy. After all, other than wishing he could be real and could come live with me, this isn't a contentious issue for me! There's nothing hard about it. Those rotten, and inaccurate, thoughts you guys have about yourselves feel so real, they seem so believable, and you've been accustomed to accepting them about yourselves for a long time. It's takes awhile to change those horrible thoughts into actual accurate ones. It does happen, though, so keep at it.

getting "fired"

2010-07-07T22:06:36-07:00

Ann, you're not the only one who worries about being let go by their therapist. It's not totally uncommon, especially when clients feel stuck or as if they're not doing well or not doing what the therapist thinks they should be doing (hmmm, like eating enough, or something random like that :)

I agree with Laura that being afraid you may be fired the next time you walk through the office door is an important thing to talk about with your therapist.

In addition, let me say a few things about this "firing" business. First of all, being in relationship with a therapist isn't the same as being in relationship with an interior decorator or landscape architect or house painter or gardener. Yes, these are all "professional" types of relationships, but there are major differences between a relationship with a therapist and one with any of these other professions.

Therapists are HUGELY concerned with ethics and with protecting clients. And we should be. People come to us vulnerable, and wanting/needing help. It's our job to protect them and help them with their work on themselves. A gardener, fabulous as he/she may be, isn't at all obligated to protect a client's mental health- he's obligated not to kill the plants for sure, and obligated to be fair in his business practices...but that's way different than being ethically, morally and legally obligated to protect a therapy client.

So, an interior decorator is "allowed" to "fire" a client pretty easily I imagine; so is a gardener or a pool cleaner or a dentist (as long as he refers the client to someone reputable). But therapists are bound by strong ethical codes regarding, well, regarding many, many things :) and that's good for clients.

There are pretty clear guidelines for when treatment can or should be terminated- and none of them call for "random" and "sudden" letting go of a client. The ethics call for us therapists to work hard and do the best we can to help our clients. We can, and actually are ethically mandated to, terminate a therapy if we truly believe we cannot help a person anymore. But this decision isn't one a therapist would enter into quickly or casually. And it wouldn't be based solely on the fact that you are struggling with a hard patch of eating disorder behaviors- I mean, hard patches go with the territory in recovery from eating disorders right?

Ending the therapy might be based on something like: no matter what the therapist had tried, you were unwilling to try anything to help yourself and basically refused any help at all. In a case like this the therapist would have to decide what was, in reality, possible, and what was in the client's best interest. Again, though, this wouldn't be decided overnight- and it wouldn't be decided without a lot of input and discussion that would involve the client (issues of termination/ending therapy, no matter for what reason and under what circumstances tend to be thoroughly processed through if at all possible- it's a therapist thing!- because it protects the client to do so, not because therapist find it entertaining).

So, like Laura also said, Ann, you appear to have enough to worry about these days without burdening yourself with thoughts about whether you'll be "fired" by your therapist. Go ahead, talk with him/her about your fears; get it over with, and then use your precious energy to work on your health. That's where your energy really does need to be going, not into worrying :)