Accidental Peace by Lee Wolfe Blum

Are you going to fight for your life?

2011-12-05T09:21:02-08:00

We are all living in a storybook. Are we not? And what if, in this storybook the story can change.

It does in movies. It does actually in real life, but often we are resistant to the change or we are afraid. And sometimes it really comes down to fighting for your life.

Fighting for a different story.

I just finished a fantastic book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller.

A few of his thoughts really have me really jazzed on this idea of the stories we tell ourselves and what we can do to CHANGE that story. "Somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller." pg. 31.

And I would add that we very often we (myself included) are afraid to jump INTO the story. To fight for the story.

These two amazing comedic actresses hit this point home in the movie Bridesmaides. Please watch these clips and then I offer some questions for you to journal and/or discuss with others below.

This is your life ...are you going to fight for it?

This is your life...are you going to fight for it part two

1. What is your life trying to tell you that your eating disorder is trying to silence?

2. Why do you allow the eating disorder to suck you down while it is obviously biting you in the rear?

3. Pick two ways that you can begin to listen to your LIFE (this may include someone who is standing right next to you like Meghan is, waiting for you to invite them in)?

YOU can change your story at any time. There is no risk in changing. The real risk is in staying the same. It starts with small steps, but it is possible.

Eating disorders are not choices, but recovery is.

Won't you change the story?

xo Lee

Eating Disorder Free Holiday!

2011-11-16T10:20:01-08:00

Managing the Holidays

For families and support people of those struggling with an Eating Disorder.

The holidays can be extremely difficult for those with eating disorders. It can also be stressful and worrisome for family members of those struggling.

Here are a few things I highly recommend doing so you can make Thanksgiving (or any Holiday) eating disorder free.

DO Have a discussion now with the person in your life battling Ed. Ask them what they are worried about, what brings them anxiety during holidays, and what kind of thoughts they are having. Don’t fix…just listen and the repeat back with, “I hear you saying that…”

DO Ask what you can do to help. Bring a piece of paper and pen and write down a few tools that you decide on together that YOU can do to help the person struggling.

DO stay away from conversations about how the person looks! For example; when you say to someone struggling “you look healthy,” the person struggling interprets it as “I look fat!” I know it doesn’t make sense to some, but that is usually how it is interpreted for someone struggling with an ED. You are better off not diving into those kinds of conversations.

DO agree on strategies that will create a relaxing day for everyone. Examples are: Ask them to show you their meal plan (if they are willing) and discuss ahead of time what foods fit into that plan. Agree on some sort of code word during the day (This works great for husbands!) You can ask them; “on a scale of 1-10 how strong is your eating disorder right now?” Come up with “Exit Strategies” or a “Tool Box” with things you can do to help the person if they are a 6 or higher.

DO try (subtly) to not let the entire day be about food. Do something else together as a family. Play a game, watch a holiday movie, or take a walk...something other than standing in the kitchen or sitting at the table all day.

**It helps if there is a scheduled time when the meal will be served, so your loved one can plan their meals accordingly.

**If you are the spouse of someone struggling and you are visiting family for the day, set a time limit for how long you plan on being there. Stick to that plan.

Agree on strategies that will make the day relaxing for everyone. Examples are: Ask them to show you their meal plan (if they are willing) and discuss ahead of time what foods fit into that plan. Agree on some sort of code word during the day (This works great for husbands!) You can ask them; “on a scale of 1-10 how strong is your eating disorder right now?” Come up with “Exit Strategies” or a “Tool Box” with things you can do to help the person if they are a 6 or higher.

DON’T Please…don’t partake in the family skipping meals all day and waiting until Thanksgiving meal is served to finally eat. Usually this leads to the family is sitting around discussing “how full” everyone is. For those who binge this becomes very very difficult.

Everyone should eat breakfast, eat lunch, and plan on your T-giving meal being dinner. There is no reason T-giving needs to be an all out time for American Binge session. And if you have someone with an eating disorder in the family watching people do this makes it even more difficult for them. Of course, you can’t control Grandma Betty who talks about food all the time and eats too much at dinner. But, those of you acting as a support person for the one struggling, what do you have to lose by being a little more flexible with what you eat during the day and with your choice of conversations during the meal?

DON’T let Ed control the holiday (easier said than done), but the eating disorder can easily ruin everyone else’s holiday too!

DON’T tell the family to not talk about food or exercise…etc. Although it is helpful to talk about other things, there is no reason the family should walk on eggshells either. But, if you notice the conversation heading south…a little redirection can be helpful! (see my post about walking on eggshells).

DON’T comment on what he/she is or is not eating during a large family gathering. If you notice they aren’t sticking with the meal plan you, address it after the meal in private.

DON’T forget to enjoy the day and take care of YOURSELF too. Remember, that you can’t help anyone unless you are taking care of yourself too. When the plane is crashing, the mother is told to take the oxygen first BEFORE she can help her child. Please take care of you TOO!

Be realistic ...some of this might work, some of it might not work, but it can’t hurt to try some of these!

The reality is - it will not always be like this. Hopefully your loved one will begin to experience holidays in a normal way. But if your loved one is in treatment our just out of treatment for an eating disorder, you don't need to let the eating disorder hinder the holiday AND it would be so helpful if you could do a few of these things. Your loved one is hopefully learning how to manage all of this without their eating disorder and that is very difficult. They could use your help!

Won't you join in helping it be an ED free holiday?

xoxo

Lee

Try Something NEW!

2011-10-17T09:00:46-07:00

I have been buried in revising and finishing my book Accidental Peace. I have now officially finished the book. This was the third revision and finally I finished it...literally with footnotes and everything! So I apologize for the lack of posts here. Every moment I had free was spent on finishing the book. Now on to the next task of securing an agent and then a publisher. But I am back to writing here, so don't give up! I hope you enjoy the post today :).

Happy Living!

xo xo

Lee

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." ~Soren Kierkegaard

Hop shuffle step. Hop shuffle step. Oh it was so much more than hop shuffle step. It was tap class and as an adult I found it quite challenging. Last year my friend encouraged me to try a tap class with her. Fun, I thought. I had no idea the rewards from such a simple willingness.

To try something new.

And the challenge of intricate footwork that left me on my rear many times.

Are you willing to do something you have NEVER done before. Why not? Why not step out of your comfort zone? How often are you willing to do that? Did you know that by trying something new we stimulate new pathways in our brain! We actually reap health benefits when we get out of our comfort zone. Sure it is uncomfortable and even quite awkward. You should have seen me stumbling over my own two feet as I struggled to learn a dance that looks so simple when you watch 5 year olds do it. But, I was energized by it, filled with excitement by the joy of being able to master (ok, not really master but just be able to do it!) something new.

Today I encourage you to do something new. Try a different path home, call someone instead of text them, sign up for a class of something you have never done before, walk a different way down the hall. You will be amazed at how good it actually feels! Trying something new requires courage but it also forces you to grow! Won’t you give it a try today?

Freedom from an eating disorder

2011-08-22T13:06:08-07:00

Freedom

We talk a great deal about freedom. Freedom of speech. Freedom to vote. Free press.

How about FREEDOM from an eating disorder? I can’t tell you how many times a day I hear people (mostly from family and friends of someone struggling) say; “well, looks like this is just something he or she will struggle with his/her entire life.”

Not true.

Eating disorders are not a choice. Recovery is.

But, how can you get to recovery if you don’t know what recovery looks like? That is the holy grail of questions in the eating disorder community. I ask you though, if you have an eating disorder, how do you expect to get to recovery if you don’t have some idea of what it is? Recently I asked this question in a group and many responded with the answer that recovery was “scary.”

If recovery is only one thing to you…scary. Then why would you go there? Sure treatment teams, like the one I am on, can make you go there while you are in treatment, but at the end of the day why would you go there? Why would you go there if you didn’t know where THERE was?

Think about it this way. Would you climb a mountain if there wasn’t something at the top? And really how are you sure there is something at the top? Oh yes, you climb that mountain because others have told you the, “view is pretty awesome.” So you step-by step-moment-by-moment trudge through trees and brush. Sometimes you walk through bad weather, and many times you trip over things and bruise your knee. And you pee in the woods. Not so fun. And you do it, all because the “view from the top is so great.”

Why then don’t you believe those who are in recovery when we say, “The view from the top is so great?”

Because it is scary? Because in your head you think it is scary. If you only think this, it will be and you will stay stuck.

I implore you to venture on another path. Venture on the path of hopes and dreams and what you really want in life.

* What does your VIEW from the top look like?

* What does life look like without an eating disorder?

*What do you want so badly that you will be willing to do whatever it takes to get there? Answers to these questions are what is going to motivate you.

These are the questions you must answer in order to make it through the valleys.

To fully define recovery will be on ongoing discussion. So I will lead you to this link that I believe offers an excellent example of what recovery looks like.

Defining what it means to be recovered

I believe the journey is worth it. All of it. Every single step. If you are willing to go through it and not around it, freedom can and DOES come.

I want to share with you my top 10 reasons I love living life on the other side of an eating disorder. The view from the top is pretty fantastic. You can take it from me, or you can walk there yourself. The choice is yours.

Top 10 reasons I love living life on the other side of an eating disorder:

10. Because Krispy Crème donuts taste really really good.

9. Because to love fully while also willing to be hurt while loving, feels so real.

8. Relationships that last and ebb and flow in the way they are supposed to. People. People hurt people and people heal people. My relationships are crucial to my living! Life is so much better with friends!

7. The joy found in a simple woodpecker on a tree or a frog on a road. Little things I never noticed while deep in my eating disorder.

6. Enjoying and communing with my body and letting it do what it wants and needs to do.

5. Days filled with excitement and adventure instead of rigidity and planned everything.

4. Giving life to others is a million times more fun than spending so much time protecting mine.

3. Full bellied laughter.

2. Children – raising, loving, and holding children.

1. Because life on the other side of an eating disorder even with pain and sorrow is colorful, vibrant, fun and AMAZING.

Happy Living!

Lee

Stinkin Thinkin.

2011-08-07T08:06:12-07:00

“This is beautiful. This needs to be published. Finish it.”

She said to me with tears in her eyes and hope on her face after reading through my manuscript. Another author, one I highly respect, filled me with what felt like an ocean of encouragement in my dry desert mind.

I have been working on a book (actually three books) for over 7 years now. I could wallpaper my walls with the rejection letters. I have wavered from highly inspired to almost setting all of the paper on fire and giving up. I struggle with thoughts like this:

I have wasted time writing that I could have been spending with my family.

All the money I have put towards this writing …and for what?

Why did I think I was a writer? This isn’t my gift. I am trying to force a hand that isn’t meant to be.

Who would want to read this story…yet another addiction story.

So when she said those words to me, heartfelt and truthful. I believed her.

For a day. Actually, maybe a week.

Then the other voices came back and I stopped writing again because they acted so in charge. Mean voices bossing me around.

Why? Why do we do that. Don’t we all do that? Remember only the negative things that are said or done to us. We bury ourselves in a pile of shame while the positive voices are whispering trying to get through.

I was doing this “stinkin thinking” with my writing and my husband was wise enough to notice and to knock some sense into me.

“Why do you do that Lee?” He asked. “Why do you allow the rejections and negative stuff overpower the positive. How does that help you?”

It doesn’t.

“Why don’t you shut all the negative ones out and focus on what she said to you. What those who struggle say to you. That this book IS meant to be published. That you DO have a story to tell. Tell the jury of voices from strangers that sit at desks and read thousands of manuscripts to shut up. They don’t get it. Listen to the ones who do.”

And I am doing that. I am trying and it isn’t easy.

But it makes me think I am not alone. Don’t we all do that? Listen to the negative? Someone compliments you, affirms you, loves on you and the negative voices are right there screaming, “Oh no. don’t you believe that. Don’t forget ____!” You fill in the blank.

Why are we afraid to listen to the good things people say to us, the positive responses we get, and the relationships that DO work? I think it might be fear underneath. It is easier to believe in the false beliefs because then we won’t get hurt right?

Because if my book get’s published. Then what if it sucks? Or if it is good…then what if I get a big head about it and loose all my friends? If I am a good writer than what if I can’t live up to the expectation on the second book?

So it becomes easier to stay in the fear and the negative.

Because the positive seems foreign and boundary less.

I am not doing this anymore, listening to the negative. It is defeating and keeps me stuck. I don’t want to stay stuck.

Will you join me? Join me in starting to tell the negative to shut it and listen to the good things, begin to be grateful for the moments where joy and love and peace fill our lives?

Let’s not stay comfortable in our discomfort but STEP OUT and become the people we feel we were supposed to be.

What does that look like for you? What if you DID listen to the people who tell you good things? What if you listened and responded? How would your life be different?

I am going to try. Won’t you join me?

This poem describes exactly what I am referring to here.

Enjoy xo xo Lee

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

At the moment of surrender

2011-07-27T14:39:25-07:00

"At the moment of surrender I folded to my knees. I did not notice the passers-by and they did not notice me." U2

Hands high in the air while rain pounds hard on my face. The night sky screams with booms of thunder and blinding flashes of lightening. Electric guitar and voices of thousands singing.

"I've been in every black hole. At the altar of the dark star. My body's now a begging bowl That's begging to get back, begging to get back.

To my heart

To the rhythm of my soul." U2

Today my husband and I celebrate 15 years of marriage. On Saturday I turn 39. While standing at this concert last Saturday my soul sang out these words. To God. To the world. To you.

I thought of you. All of you trapped by Ed, tortured by Ed, and chained by Ed. And I sang louder and I cried. For you. Because I want you to have it, to have the transcendence that years of recovery can bring!

I stood with an army of friends most of who I have known for for 10-16 years. Recovery has found it's foundation in my life for almost 16 years. Relationships that have lasted because I have not run away.

Why are these numbers important? Why are the words to this song important?

Because it all, all of it comes down to the moment of my surrender. The moment when I finally opened my hands and released the tight grip of fear and numbness. When I let go of the eating disorder.

Eating disorders are not choices. Recovery is. It is a choice that is taken one step at a time. One day at a time.

And before you know it, 16 years have passed. Relationships are built and formed and marriages are strong. Children are born, and life despite it's ever changing nature, is stable.

I never new this was possible. Never new I could do anything longer than a year really. I remember my therapist begging me to live in my apartment for a year and not move.

"Stability." She said. "You need to stay with one thing. One place."

So I stayed. I SURRENDERED over and over again. When in emotional mind and my tendancy is to flee, I stayed. I stay now. I sit through it. I ride it out. It will pass. It will get better.

And it does. I promise.

But to stand in that concert with years of relationships and years of recovery I was overwhelmed with a gratitude that I can only use words to describe. Words aren't enough. But that is all I have. It is amazing, wonderful, difficult, colorful, beautiful, and indescribable.

I tell you this so you believe. Because it is true. Believe in the hope and reality that you CAN "be released from control."

But only until YOU surrender.

Love xoxo

Lee

Me and my friend...

2011-07-11T14:42:03-07:00

I am tired she says. I listen and put her to bed.

I want some m&m's she told me today. I go buy them and give her some.

I need to be around people right now, she begs, I call a friend.

I am anxious about things, she whispers. I give her a breath and some soothing thoughts.

We are a team. Me and my friend. We used to be enemies. She would ask me for things and I would ignore her. Often I would pretend I didn't hear her. Many times I would call her names.

Very mean names.

I wouldn't let her cry, if she did I would call her "weak." And I made sure she didn't get too close to anyone. That would hurt too much.

She liked to work hard, but I made her work harder. She liked to play. I wouldn't let her.

But we fell apart the two of us. We couldn't exist in constant opposition.

I surrendered. I asked God to help me learn to love her. I asked for help from others to, to learn to listen to her, to learn to accept her for exactly who she is. And slowly we became friends again. Slowly.

I didn't trust her, I needed to see she was trustworthy. That she knew what she was doing.

She was. She is.

We are friends now, good friends. She tells me things I need to know. She tells me when she is hungry, when she is tired, when someone isn't safe, and when she needs to rest.

And I listen. I listen closely because once I used to hate her.I have forgiven her. She has forgiven me.

Now I find her wise. So I listen. And she is pretty fun!

You have a friend like this too. The world tells you to hurt her and toughen her up. Tells you to work her into thinness or into perfection. She doesn't like that. It won't work. I tried it.

Do you know her? Do you listen to her when she talks to you? S

She is your body. She is smart. She wants to tell you things.

Won't you listen?

Space in my brain...

2011-06-24T12:53:29-07:00

There is space in my brain.

Not because I am a blonde, no because Ed doesn't reside there anymore. Walking up the rocky path of the Colorado mountainsde I spun. I spun ideas, and dreams, and goals, and memories. Spun all in the space where Ed used to live.

You see, all that space that the eating disorder takes up in your head can be used for so much more.

I never new that. I am not sure I would have believed it 16 years ago.

Could the place filled with calorie counting, body loathing, and meal planning be consumed by something else?The place meant to not feel also was all consuming with obessesions. What if it was filled with something that gives life? Something that gives me joy?

Yes. I am hear to tell you.

Others say it too. Are you listening?

Yes. It can. That space is now filled with my writing and creating. Brimming with imagination. Growing with connections and relationships. Simmering with dreams. There is no room in there for Ed stuff.

The more you begin to let it go, that space where Ed lives, the more you will see it too. No, not just see it. You will experience it. Just like I am.

And I promise you. I would NEVER go back.

Let go of Ed and discover what can live inside that space that is craving for hope and joy and dreams and LIFE!

Happy Living!

Lee

Hungry For Hope conference

2011-06-06T12:17:59-07:00

Hi friends. Just wanted to let you know about a great conference next WEEK for those impacted by eating disorders and body image issues. My husband and I are speaking at it and can tell you it will be a great time of learning and inspiration for professionals and community members alike. This year's theme is "A Family Affair" so we'll be getting into all those fun family dynamics, and learning how to love well in the process of treatment and recovery. It's at the Glen Eyrie Castle in Colorado Springs June 15-18. Click here to see a slideshow from last year, to see 2011 schedule and here to register . It will be a fantastic conference! Please pass this on to anyone who might be interested. If you live in area there is one day registration too!

Lee

Now what?

2011-05-10T12:57:37-07:00

Nights awake worrying.

Conversations with others on how to help.

Worry racing through your veins day and night. Long searches on the internet titled, “How to help a friend who has an eating disorder.”

The confrontation occurred and your loved one/friend/spouse/child has begun treatment for an eating disorder and you find yourself relieved. You throw yourself on the couch and let out a large sigh.

Now What?

Another thought begins to shake your mind.

Now what?

Now what are you supposed to do? What is your role now? Now they have the support they need and are getting the help you so desperately longed for them to get. Now what?

I have come up with TOP 10 list that I hope might help you if you are now on this step of the journey with someone who has an eating disorder.

FIRST before we begin. Rule number one = Not your job to fix them. Not your role. Go fix something else, create something, build something, paint something. Fixing? Not your job. If they have a treatment team then let the treatment team do the fixing.

What is your role?

Walk alongside them and encourage and support. Support does NOT mean telling them what to do. Support means saying things like, “how is it going?” “Anything I can do to help?” “What is treatment like?” “What are you learning?” And the mother of all things to say… “I support you in your journey to recovery”

Invite them to do normal things that don’t revolve around food. Make sure conversations entail other things than JUST how the eating disorder treatment is going. But if you find yourself in a socail situation where food is involved (which WILL happen) don’t forget the following things:
1. Keep conversation flowing
2. Refrain from comments about food, dieting, calories and/or fat grams or dieting
3. Refrain from comments like “Oh that is so much food!” or “Aren’t you going to eat more?” or “I wish I could be Anorexic!”
Learn all you can about eating disorders…it will help you to have some understanding of what they are going through. Read blogs here at Gurze or here at NEDA or here at Something Fishy.
Take care of yourself. When you are taking care of yourself …they will notice. Get support for yourself. If you are a parent this is CRUCIAL. It feels counterintuitive but it will help everyone if you are taking care of yourself.
Talk about the elephant in the room. If you don’t know what to say to them and feel awkward ask, “I want to help you but I don’t know how to help you. Can you make me a list of things I could say that might help?” At the same time, don’t agree to stop being yourself AND it can’t hurt to be more aware of the way you talk. If you are a mother this might help For Mothers . If you notice the eating disorder rearing its ugly head while you are with the one struggling, don’t be afraid to say something. A good way to say it is, “I am curious about why you are going to the bathroom so fast? I am curious about why you won’t eat lunch with us?” Remember it is not your job to fix it, but don’t ignore the elephant in the room.
Stay involved…not overly involved to where you enable the patient. AND, don’t run away when things get scary! The treatment team is there to catch the person struggling and you are there as support.
Be very careful of taking on the role of caretaker. That is not your job. It might feel good at first but after a while it will begin to suck the life out of you. If the person struggling is always using you to dump all of their emotions, feelings, “stuff” about the eating disorder then ask them… “Are you sharing this with your therapist?” “I wonder if this would be important to tell your therapist?”
Did I say it isn’t your job to fix it? If you forgot here is a reminder. Not your job to fix it. That is why there are treatment teams and treatment centers.
If you have read up on eating disorders you know now an eating disorder is a JOURNEY…not a one-stop-shop. Just because someone goes into treatment does not mean they are instantly well. In fact…most of the hard work begins once they get OUT of treatment.
GO TO A SUPPORT GROUP…then you can let out all of your frustrations, anxious worries, and ask questions with others in your position. This will help you from dumping your own worries on the patient. If there isn’t a Family and Friend's Support group then go to an ALANON group.

You can do it. Don’t be afraid. Don’t run away. Your loved one NEEDS you to be the hope carrier and to be there for them through the journey. YOUR role is so important. Make sure you take care of yourself and get the help you need so you CAN be supportive. (Another article to read is this one here The Struggle To Fly)

Blessings on the journey!

Xoxo

Lee