Accidental Peace by Lee Wolfe Blum

Mom In The Mirror - New Book!

2013-04-25T19:29:29-07:00

Two really amazing women have collaborated together to write a MUCH NEEDED book (releases May).

Here is link to Emily's blog as well as an Amazon link and a Coupon below :)

I highly recommend this book! Mom In The Mirror

New Book Title

2013-04-02T08:59:34-07:00

I haven't written on here in a while and I apologize if you have returned to this site and found me absent. I have been busy with a new role at work, trying to launch my own author website and edit my book. My book will be released in January of 2014. I couldn't be more excited and scared!

I hope you will follow my writing here and on my author page at:

http://accidentalpeace.com/

Happy Living!

Lee

Chasing Silhouettes

2012-07-06T07:46:27-07:00

Meet Emily.

A refreshing new voice in the eating disorder community. A woman I have been blessed to meet and am more than honored to recommend her book Chasing Silhouettes.

Lee

Chasing Silhouettes: How to Help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder http://www.amazon.com/Chasing-Silhouettes-battling-eating-disorder/dp/0984009558/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337742217&sr=8-1-fkmr1.

is a unique resource for family members and friends of disordered eaters. Based on the true story of a young woman who struggled with anorexia nervosa, Silhouettes provides a fresh perspective on the age-old topic of body image, and how to redefine it in a world of eating disorders.

Comprised of insight and advice from both families and Christian professionals in the eating disorder field, as well as suggested prayers and tips on what not to say or do, the easy-to-read chapters are separated into five sections:

Recognizing—how to respond to the initial stages of the illness;
Rendered Helpless—what to do in the midst of an eating disorder;
Recovery—how to react when your loved one decides to get better;
Renewal—how to help a loved one walk in health and wholeness, and
Related Accounts--other stories of those who've battled eating disorders.

"It is rare I find a resource that so uniquely supplements the whole-person approach to eating disorder treatment as what I have discovered in this insightful, inspiring book."
-- Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, bestselling author and Founder of A Place of Hope

Ideal for…

Parents/Family
Friends
Clinicians and Lay Leaders

Emily Wierenga
Author, Save My Children and Chasing Silhouettes
www.emilywierenga.com

Letter to my younger self

2012-05-14T07:51:19-07:00

I was inspired after reading this book, What I know Now, Letters to My Younger Self, that I wrote one of my own. This letter is to my 20 year old self. It is a powerful exercise that I encourage you to try.

Happy Living!

Lee

***

Dear Lee,

I will be 40 years old soon and today is Mother’s day. My youngest son sits close to me holding my hand and snuggling his head into my side. I am content and filled with so much joy that salty tears trickle down my aging face. On my other side is my husband that after sixteen years I am falling head over heels madly in love with again and yet again. For the umpteenth time.

I wish you could see me right now.

The scars from all the years that you ran from life took so long to heal. I wish Lee that I could stop the years of pain ahead of you. Stop the years of running and help you live now.

Life is short.

You will later wish you had those years back.

Lee, why are you so afraid? I see you, late at night frantic and rigid as you perfect your lines for your play. I see you run so fast keeping yourself busy so you don’t have to feel. I see you abusing your body and it hurts me so. Because that body is your gift. It births three beautiful boys, it becomes strong, and it holds your heart. Now that body is my friend, not the enemy. And that heart of yours that burst with emotion is a good thing, but you are so afraid to see.

Don’t be afraid Lee. It is ok to be you. To be you with all of your emotions, all of your hyper energy, and even with all of your pain. It is ok to set boundaries and follow the path that stems from the desires of your heart. But, you listen and you worry so much about others, what they say you should do. Who they say you should be. It is wasteful Lee to listen to them.

You see...all that you have been through will help you later when you finally stop running. It will help you become a wounded healer, one who is compassionate and empathetic to those who are hurting just like you.

But Lee, you don’t see it.

You don’t see that when you fully embrace your life you will find joy and peace and deep relationships like never before. You will learn to love with great capacity when you finally see the outlandish capacity to which God loves you. I see you Lee so wrapped in pain and confusion and shame. My heart hurts for you.

You are so afraid. And your fear will ruin relationships, ruin your body for a time, and will build a wall that will take you years to break down. Time is precious Lee. Why don’t you let your voice be heard? Stop hiding behind characters on a stage. Stop thinking God wants perfection. Stop living your life by a number on a scale or a grade on a test.

None of that will matter later.

Be free now.

You will wish you had later. Let your voice be heard now, don’t wait until later. And Lee, how about you get some help for that depression that follows you around like an old mean friend. I believe in you Lee. God does too. Won’t you listen to me? Won’t you see me now and believe that Life when fully lived and embraced will be so wonderful. Won’t you see Lee, that it is Ok to be you?

I love you so. Stop running. Start living.

Love,

Lee

Hope for parents

2012-04-30T18:13:45-07:00

Hope is the thing with feathers

that perches in the soul

and sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all.

Emily Dickenson knew something secret and beautiful. And she shared it with us in this poem about hope. But, you become afraid of that thing with feathers because it might mean you are disappointed again. That your loved one might relapse, might use symptoms, might go back in treatment. So we you lose hope. You grow weary and tired and complacent.

It is easier to not get hurt when we can put a label and an expectation on someone. When we can define them as an anorexic or a bulimic. Sure, maybe they have been struggling with an eating disorder for 10 years, but why can't you still hope? If you don't, the parents, then who will?

I challenge many parents with this message in my work and they often squirm at my words. I am not refering to your parenting style, shaming you, or denying your pain (you = parents). I am not invalidating your experience. But, I am asking you to take a risk to believe. To believe that your loved one can and may someday get better. That you believe they CAN recover.

Do you know why I say this?

Because, often family members have been hurt so much that when a patient does actually begin to make the baby steps towards recovery they can't see it. You become afraid of hoping and being disappointed again. So you miss it. And you get to know Ed (the eating disorder) and allow him to steal YOUR joy too. Oh family members, don't you see Ed can ruin you too even if you don't have an eating disorder!

My encouragement to you..believe.Even if your hope weighs as much as one feather. That is still some hope!

Read every story possible on recovery. Encourage your loved one. Believe they can and will do it. Validate their experience and remind them, "I believe in you and know you can live a life in recovery."

My parents said this to me often. Even when I was lying in the ICU, that they knew I could fight. That they knew I had it in me to recover. They carried me through with those words. They were frightened and afraid, but they still believed despite their own fears. They had a feather of hope.

You can too.

Sometimes you just need to say it, even if you don't believe it. Keep saying it. It has the power to transform and carry your loved one when they feel lost and alone.

Blessings to you.

Lee

To dream...

2012-04-19T19:11:19-07:00

*"To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go..."

I received an email that stopped my heart.

I was chatting with my friends as we finished our warm soup. I noticed through the tall window of the restaurant the cool spring day blowing the icy Minnesota winter away. I reached into my purse to check the time on my phone. An unread email caught my eye.

An email that stopped my heart.

An email telling me that yes, my book, my story will be published. That finally a contract was being sent to me.

In a pink diary with a gold lock and tiny key, I wrote my first journal entry.

"I hate Bobby. He smells.”

I was five. There were thousands, some notebook papers with frayed edges, some fancy leather books with pretty ties, but often they were simple spirals with lines.

It was the words that fell on those lines that mattered. The words that were an expression of my heart and of my soul. An outpouring of the person banging up against a world that offered little breaks and much pain and sorrow. Joy was there too, but mostly the scribbles of me in an unreadable outpouring of words trying to figure life out.

My words.

Was God telling me to write? Was God urging me on? I don't know...but I know I needed to write. Late at night when the lights were out, under my covers with a flashlight camping, on a bathroom floor, on a plane. Wherever. I needed it like humans need air.

I was afraid I would forget.

Forget the kiss at Prom with Jeff, forget the fight with Mom about my friend Jessica, or forget the day Chris asked me to be his wife. If I forgot, who would remember?

I never forgot. But I kept writing and writing and writing.

I read that email thinking of that same little girl who took a pen to paper so many years ago. To me, the now grown woman who battled years of life threatening depression and anorexia. To me, the woman who has a story. A story that I believe needs to be told. One of hope, of redemtion, of a life worth living. It isn’t my story really…I am just the main character.

It is God’s story.

“They said yes!” I screamed. “They said yes! ”

I fell on the floor. I needed the dramatic. This moment called for the dramatic. It was dirty, that messy dirty flor, but I didn't care. People were staring. I didn't care.

“THEY SAID YES!” I kept screaming.

My book. My story. God's story!

You see, I had dreams of Broadway and stage lights. Did God have a plan too? One where the little girl who was five writing in that diary didn't know? Maybe.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jer. 29:11

I tell you this, because I want you to believe as I did that our stories...our lives are worth telling.

Are worth living.

It doesn't feel like it. Often it doesn't. But do you have a desire? Something that burns inside of you that you can't let go? Sure I dreamed of Broadway...but secretly I wrote. Wrote my words to God. All of them...addressed to Him. Hoping he would hear.

Many said I was a good actress. Only one told me I was a good writer. My eleventh grade English teacher. So is that enough? Enough to make me a writer? Most wouldn’t say so.

But, the desire ...the burning desire in my soul told me to write.

So I did.

I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote my entire life and then for seven and 1/2 years I wrote the book. I wrote anything and everything. And then, I went back. Back to the past to the diary with the lock, to the spirals, to the leather journal. To the writing from all the years.

From the journey.

From the often heartbreaking and disappointing journey. Because somewhere I believed the story needed to be told. The story that you CAN have an impossible dream.

That you can have a dream and it can seem impossible, but the ONLY way to live that dream is to not give up. To one step at a time put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

There were rejections. There were heartaches. There was even a day when I stood in a line staring at a stage with buckets of sweat pouring off of me while I waited to approach Dr. Phil. Oh yes, Dr. Phil.

His wife was doing a book signing. I wasn't there for her book really...I bought it and had a pen handy. But really I was there to pitch her. And him.

As I approached the stage, I hid my manuscript slyly in my sweaty pit hoping the police officer wouldn't spot my little gift thinking it to be a harmful artillary. No, I just wanted someone to read my story. To belive in it.

So I gave it to her, asked her to read it, asked her to give it a chance. She smiled. She took the now sopping wet manilla envelope in her nicely manicured hands and I moved right along.

I never heard from Dr. Phil. Nor his wife.

Over and over and over it would be rejected.

I applied for writing grants. I was rejected. I hit every agent possible in the market guide and over and over the door was shut.

I should have given up.

But a nibbling in my soul said, keep going...keep going. Don't give up. I kept going. Each time a rejection came I allowed myself 24 hours to throw a temper tantrum and quit. And then I sat back down in my blue and white striped chair, pulled out my computer and began writing again. And over time my voice in my writing grew and developed just like my voice in recovery did. Over time. And then, I knew I didn’t just have a story but a story with my own unique voice. Not the voice of an author or the voice of what the latest publishing blogs wanted. But, my voice.

I believe in impossible dreams. Do you?

Recovery from an eating disorder is difficult, hard, tortuous, and discouraging. So?

Trying to publish a book is like banging your head against the wall over and over again and getting up the next day for more. So?

I beieve in impossible dreams. Do you?

Do you believe that recovery from an eating disorder is possible? I do. I also believed I had a story that needed to be told. It took a long time to find the right words to tell it, to find my authentic writing voice, and to find the right publishing house to publish it, to not give up. But I didn't.

You shouldn't either. Please don't.

Just because you fell down...why won't you get back up again?

So there I am on the floor of the restaurant an (almost) 40 year old woman screaming my lungs out. My sweet friend was kind enough to calm those enjoying what was once a quiet lunch by announcing, "she just got a book contract!"

They didn't care really. Lots of people publish books. But this is my story, my journey, and it has been a long one. So I screamed and cried and hooted and hollered!

So many times in recovery and on this writing journey I cried out...Is this worth it? The same prayers I once cried out ...why do I live? Why do I have to fight so hard. Is it worth it. And God whispered ...yes. Believe.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:2

I believed. I will keep on fighting for you to believe this impossible dream. That yes, people do recover from eating disorders. And yes, people like me just one person wanting to tell her story can publish books.

I am on a new journey now. One that includes an entire new set of fears, hopes, joys and anxious thoughts. This journey to the day my story is on the bookshelves it brings with it a terrifying joy. Do I want my neighbors to know, strangers? If it means you will believe in recovery…then yes. I will lay it all out there. Naked. I decided today that I am going to write about this journey and share with you here and on www.findingbalance.com

Won't you join me on this new adventure? Won't you believe as I did that there is life on the other side of an eating disorder? Won't you?

This is my quest

To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

And I know if I'll only be true

To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

*"The impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha

**Accidental Peace will be published in Spring of 2013 by InterVarsity Press

**(title to change)

Recovery

2012-02-28T08:11:27-08:00

Hello Readers! I have been so absent on this blog and for that I am so sorry. I have been investing my time in a writing project that I am hopeful will produce fruit soon. I haven't given up on this blog and I hope you haven't either. Thank you for your patience.

I come to you during Eating Disorder Awareness Week to share with you a very insightful and profound letter of ENCOURAGEMENT. This letter was written by a woman that I know who is on the path to recovery from an eating disorder. My hope is that you will see the TRUTH in this letter. The TRUTH that the eating disorder is a liar. That YOU have a VOICE. And that voice is in there somewhere trying to be set free. Eating Disorders are not a choice. RECOVERY is. Won't you choose recovery every moment of every day for the rest of your life? My prayer is that you will. I promise you...you won't regret it.

Lee

***

Recovery: in essence to overcome, persevere, and move on; to take back the life you once had, or to create a new one. It’s the ultimate vindication, as though the cage that had once held you prisoner dissipates one bar at a time, until there is a wide enough gap to set you free.

It does not mean forgetting that the cage was there, nor does it mean expecting it to spring back up suddenly, imprisoning you again. It means being prepared, knowing where your weaknesses lay in maintaining your freedom, and thinking of all the ways you will hurdle them when they appear.

It means FULLY living your life according to your own rules, not the worlds.

It means recognizing how far you have come and breathing that empowerment into your very core.

Recovery is experiencing your emotions, embracing them, reveling in the happiness, and knowing that the sadness will eventually pass. It’s taking off the mask you have worn for God knows how long, revealing your true self to the world, and being okay with it.

It comes through acceptance of the good, the bad, and the things you never thought you could live with yourself for.

Recovery is beautiful and absolutely terrifying, a masochistic paradox. To let go of something that for so long has protected and shielded you is not simple. Blindly trusting that there can even be a so-called “normal life” takes COURAGE. At times, it can feel like self-sacrifice, because your demons have convinced you that you are one in the same.

YOU AREN'T

By destroying them, you will be destroying any chance you actually had at being happy. You have to break out of that fallacy, and it will not happen instantaneously. Recovery starts as being an option and slowly shifts to a reality through hard, sometimes excruciatingly exhausting work.

It is easier to give up, to go back to old habits and forget that you tried. What’s one more failure, right? TRY AGAIN, for the ability to recover lies in this. In retrospect you have never really won. You have convinced yourself that success means thin, but then thin never comes. As soon as you get there, it’s not good enough. You crave more. Your intrinsic values shift to self-centeredness at its worst, for you are not self-obsessed to impress others, but to destroy yourself.

Recovery is letting go of the positive things your demon has provided, and finding a way to fill its void once it is gone, but know that it can be filled. It is all too easy to fall into the belief that nothing could take its place, nothing could ever feel as good as your demon did. And then you step outside of yourself and realize that this sensation is drastically better than anything the demon could invoke. It’s the power of choice, and of regaining your control.

Recovery is health.

Being able to finally think clearly, without the omnipresent shadow that you’ve come to think is your own. It is being able to laugh genuinely, not the fake kind you’ve been parading for so long. It brings present moment awareness, allowing you to enjoy the fragility of life. In turn, it makes you realize that you are not, in fact, infallible.

You start to see that your life does matter, and that you weren’t made only to self-destruct. Rediscovered talents emerge, abilities you forgot you had. The demon is an excellent bargainer after all, but a dangerous one to entrust. It will take all that you have in the pursuit of a number that will never come.

Let go, because life isn’t lived in front of a mirror.

Are you going to fight for your life?

2011-12-05T09:21:02-08:00

We are all living in a storybook. Are we not? And what if, in this storybook the story can change.

It does in movies. It does actually in real life, but often we are resistant to the change or we are afraid. And sometimes it really comes down to fighting for your life.

Fighting for a different story.

I just finished a fantastic book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller.

A few of his thoughts really have me really jazzed on this idea of the stories we tell ourselves and what we can do to CHANGE that story. "Somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller." pg. 31.

And I would add that we very often we (myself included) are afraid to jump INTO the story. To fight for the story.

These two amazing comedic actresses hit this point home in the movie Bridesmaides. Please watch these clips and then I offer some questions for you to journal and/or discuss with others below.

This is your life ...are you going to fight for it?

This is your life...are you going to fight for it part two

1. What is your life trying to tell you that your eating disorder is trying to silence?

2. Why do you allow the eating disorder to suck you down while it is obviously biting you in the rear?

3. Pick two ways that you can begin to listen to your LIFE (this may include someone who is standing right next to you like Meghan is, waiting for you to invite them in)?

YOU can change your story at any time. There is no risk in changing. The real risk is in staying the same. It starts with small steps, but it is possible.

Eating disorders are not choices, but recovery is.

Won't you change the story?

xo Lee

Eating Disorder Free Holiday!

2011-11-16T10:20:01-08:00

Managing the Holidays

For families and support people of those struggling with an Eating Disorder.

The holidays can be extremely difficult for those with eating disorders. It can also be stressful and worrisome for family members of those struggling.

Here are a few things I highly recommend doing so you can make Thanksgiving (or any Holiday) eating disorder free.

DO Have a discussion now with the person in your life battling Ed. Ask them what they are worried about, what brings them anxiety during holidays, and what kind of thoughts they are having. Don’t fix…just listen and the repeat back with, “I hear you saying that…”

DO Ask what you can do to help. Bring a piece of paper and pen and write down a few tools that you decide on together that YOU can do to help the person struggling.

DO stay away from conversations about how the person looks! For example; when you say to someone struggling “you look healthy,” the person struggling interprets it as “I look fat!” I know it doesn’t make sense to some, but that is usually how it is interpreted for someone struggling with an ED. You are better off not diving into those kinds of conversations.

DO agree on strategies that will create a relaxing day for everyone. Examples are: Ask them to show you their meal plan (if they are willing) and discuss ahead of time what foods fit into that plan. Agree on some sort of code word during the day (This works great for husbands!) You can ask them; “on a scale of 1-10 how strong is your eating disorder right now?” Come up with “Exit Strategies” or a “Tool Box” with things you can do to help the person if they are a 6 or higher.

DO try (subtly) to not let the entire day be about food. Do something else together as a family. Play a game, watch a holiday movie, or take a walk...something other than standing in the kitchen or sitting at the table all day.

**It helps if there is a scheduled time when the meal will be served, so your loved one can plan their meals accordingly.

**If you are the spouse of someone struggling and you are visiting family for the day, set a time limit for how long you plan on being there. Stick to that plan.

Agree on strategies that will make the day relaxing for everyone. Examples are: Ask them to show you their meal plan (if they are willing) and discuss ahead of time what foods fit into that plan. Agree on some sort of code word during the day (This works great for husbands!) You can ask them; “on a scale of 1-10 how strong is your eating disorder right now?” Come up with “Exit Strategies” or a “Tool Box” with things you can do to help the person if they are a 6 or higher.

DON’T Please…don’t partake in the family skipping meals all day and waiting until Thanksgiving meal is served to finally eat. Usually this leads to the family is sitting around discussing “how full” everyone is. For those who binge this becomes very very difficult.

Everyone should eat breakfast, eat lunch, and plan on your T-giving meal being dinner. There is no reason T-giving needs to be an all out time for American Binge session. And if you have someone with an eating disorder in the family watching people do this makes it even more difficult for them. Of course, you can’t control Grandma Betty who talks about food all the time and eats too much at dinner. But, those of you acting as a support person for the one struggling, what do you have to lose by being a little more flexible with what you eat during the day and with your choice of conversations during the meal?

DON’T let Ed control the holiday (easier said than done), but the eating disorder can easily ruin everyone else’s holiday too!

DON’T tell the family to not talk about food or exercise…etc. Although it is helpful to talk about other things, there is no reason the family should walk on eggshells either. But, if you notice the conversation heading south…a little redirection can be helpful! (see my post about walking on eggshells).

DON’T comment on what he/she is or is not eating during a large family gathering. If you notice they aren’t sticking with the meal plan you, address it after the meal in private.

DON’T forget to enjoy the day and take care of YOURSELF too. Remember, that you can’t help anyone unless you are taking care of yourself too. When the plane is crashing, the mother is told to take the oxygen first BEFORE she can help her child. Please take care of you TOO!

Be realistic ...some of this might work, some of it might not work, but it can’t hurt to try some of these!

The reality is - it will not always be like this. Hopefully your loved one will begin to experience holidays in a normal way. But if your loved one is in treatment our just out of treatment for an eating disorder, you don't need to let the eating disorder hinder the holiday AND it would be so helpful if you could do a few of these things. Your loved one is hopefully learning how to manage all of this without their eating disorder and that is very difficult. They could use your help!

Won't you join in helping it be an ED free holiday?

xoxo

Lee

Try Something NEW!

2011-10-17T09:00:46-07:00

I have been buried in revising and finishing my book Accidental Peace. I have now officially finished the book. This was the third revision and finally I finished it...literally with footnotes and everything! So I apologize for the lack of posts here. Every moment I had free was spent on finishing the book. Now on to the next task of securing an agent and then a publisher. But I am back to writing here, so don't give up! I hope you enjoy the post today :).

Happy Living!

xo xo

Lee

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." ~Soren Kierkegaard

Hop shuffle step. Hop shuffle step. Oh it was so much more than hop shuffle step. It was tap class and as an adult I found it quite challenging. Last year my friend encouraged me to try a tap class with her. Fun, I thought. I had no idea the rewards from such a simple willingness.

To try something new.

And the challenge of intricate footwork that left me on my rear many times.

Are you willing to do something you have NEVER done before. Why not? Why not step out of your comfort zone? How often are you willing to do that? Did you know that by trying something new we stimulate new pathways in our brain! We actually reap health benefits when we get out of our comfort zone. Sure it is uncomfortable and even quite awkward. You should have seen me stumbling over my own two feet as I struggled to learn a dance that looks so simple when you watch 5 year olds do it. But, I was energized by it, filled with excitement by the joy of being able to master (ok, not really master but just be able to do it!) something new.

Today I encourage you to do something new. Try a different path home, call someone instead of text them, sign up for a class of something you have never done before, walk a different way down the hall. You will be amazed at how good it actually feels! Trying something new requires courage but it also forces you to grow! Won’t you give it a try today?