My talented friend and colleague Susanne Hoogwater (also a lawyer and mediator) is very creative. Since she is a Renaissance Soul, I am constantly astounded and delighted at the new arenas she opens up for others and the products she designs. Recently I have become aware of a method she is using to facilitate teaching about conflict, and watched it in action.

And now you may watch a sample SketchVideo created by Susanne, too. It's part of a series on emotional intelligence and critical decisionmaking that she is designing for Denver's Conflict Center. This sample looks at four kinds of power: over, surrender, with, and within.

Click to watch the SketchVideo and to learn more about the benefits of communicating with this medium, as well as Susanne's process of creating these videos. She does it all on her iPad!

Last week, I gave a presentation in Baltimore on conflict resolution; one focus was detecting your inner mediator. We looked at six tips or clues for that path of inner clarity. One of the six was: "Look at people and disputes through SIN (Situational, Individual, Now)." Our discussion included the benfits of being wary of assumptions about one size fitting all, and of remembering that behavior, preferences, values, other states and traits can vary significantly with context.

In looking at SIN, I included some photos in the handouts which I will post below. I recommended that photos be used in such a way that we can see how we change from day to day. This exercise was not created by me; I have seen it in various forms a number of times. Let's look at how Stephanie Calabrese Roberts, author of The Art of iPhoneography, describes it.

She gives these instructions:

Scan through your image library and select a handful of your favorites. Study each image and ask yourself these questions:

• What were you doing moments before you made the image?
• What inspired you to make the image?
• How did you feel at that moment?
• How did the time of day, season, or weather impact the moment?
• How does the image make you feel now?
• If you could return to the scene now, how might you see it differently?

Since most people in my session would not have brought photos with them, I provided those below. Attendees were asked to write some reactions, observations, feelings, or descriptive words below each of the photos. I urged them to then revisit the photos a week later, preferably even further in the future, and again respond to them (not looking at the previous responses). Typically responses will shift and change.

Roberts writes in her book:

Let's loosen up your literal association with imagery and train your eye to see more conceptually. One way to do this is by associating different words with an image to see how the connection between the two might change the way you feel about an image. Take a look at the following iPhone images and think about ... three words associated with each image. ... Set a date on your calendar one year from today [in my experience sooner can be as effective] to re-evaluate the images and your word selections to see if you feel differently.

Try a similar exercise with your own photos. Choose and assign a one-word title for images ... then revisit the photos at a later date to see if you feel compelled to rename them. The life perspectives you collect over time will likely reveal shifts in your perspective. [Emphasis added.]

If you try this measuring stick for shifts in perspective, either by using the photos below or your own, please let me know what you detect. For me, hearing about these shifts is fun, engaging, often intriguing.

Now for the photos (you will need to click for enlargement to see all the shots) . . .

By now, most people reading this post have heard the phrase "helicopter parent." In case you haven't, from "The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting" (TIME):

The insanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for our kids. We bought macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks, hired tutors to correct a 5-year-old's "pencil-holding deficiency," hooked up broadband connections in the treehouse but took down the swing set after the second skinned knee. We hovered over every school, playground and practice field — "helicopter parents," teachers christened us ... ."

Click to read previous idealawg posts about helicopter parents.

But the hovering behavior does not only go down the family tree, it also flies up into the parent branches. Adult children are overprotecting their aging parents. I suppose we can call a person doing this up-the-tree overprotecting a "helicopter child."

The motivations for hovering over and around one's parent are many. Just four are mentioned in "Overprotective children do more harm than good" (Gainesville Sun): old-age myths, the widowed parent, reparenting your parents, and emotional baggage. A bit of elaboration on these four reasons adult children overprotect . . .

• One of our culture's old-age myths is that cognitive decline is inevitable. Children who believe this may infantilize their parents, not accurately assessing their parents' abilities and capacity for autonomy.
• When one parent dies, adult children may move in "too fast" in an effort to be supportive.
• Popular wisdom tells us that roles are reversed as parents age so that we as adult children become the parents. This reversal is not really accurate because the dynamics are different. Nevertheless, this misconception can lead children to attempt to parent their parents.
• Conflicts that developed in the past may influence how the child treats the aging parent, so that the child's behavior does not fit the situation or the needs of the parent.

Of course, there are many other reasons a child may hover. A few that come to mind right now: need to be needed, guilt, tendency to martyrdom, or lack of ability to listen to or read the parent.

The balance between autonomy and support is a delicate one in any relationship. In the case of aging parents, that balance can be particularly challenging. And there are ways to frame the challenge that can make it easier.

How do we maintain balance?

If one keeps in mind those two ways of interacting—providing support and respecting autonomy—doing so can increase the level of mindfulness about that balance.

Although the balancing can be complex with many factors to consider, and unique to each family, a simple diagnostic tool can be helpful on a day-to-day basis. As in many situations, a double axis chart may be of some quick and simple guidance. Deciding which of the four quadrants below (click on chart for larger version) is most appropriate for the situation can keep one focused on that balance between support and autonomy. Ideally those decisions can be made in a collaborative manner between parent and child, keeping in mind that the appropriate quadrant may shift over time and be different for each situation (e.g., healthcare, eating, transportation, finances, living space maintenance, recreation).

Obviously, the interactions of a parent and child in the quadrant of high autonomy and low support is going to be different from interactions in high support and low autonomy. The latter is where you may find helicopter children, if the support is excessive for the situation.

To avoid helicopter childing, communication is key. Click here and here to read two poignant stories of missing communication, two stories of what most children probably want to avoid. For guidance, take a look at How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders.

Even if navigating new waters, caring and respect are excellent lighthouses. Or, to use a metaphor more aligned with helicopters: even if flying in unfamiliar air spaces, caring and respect are excellent air traffic controllers.

Note (added April 22, 2013): As I write in a post on an aligned topic, the opposite extreme can be much worse: "Tomorrow you may become yesterday's child: Is preventing elder abuse a matter of cultural integrity?" (idealawg).

Ever since I attended an intensive program on ethical wills with one of the gurus Dr. Barry Baines, I have been convinced of the value, for both our clients and ourselves, of writing wishes for and to the future. (Click to read past posts about ethical wills here, here, and here; last link includes a video on crafting personal legacy statements.) To learn more about the process of writing such a document, and why you would want to, read this recent post by Dr. Baines. From "Creating a legacy of resiliency for your family" (Caring Bridge):

In my previous Amplifier Hub blog post, “What Does Legacy Mean to You”, I provided a context for understanding what leaving a legacy is about and why legacy is important to us. I shared the idea of your legacy journey, which components include your legacy of values, wisdom, and generosity.

In this post, I would like to delve into your legacy of values, which takes the form of an ethical will (also referred to as a legacy letter). I will share what an ethical will is, their history and why people write them. I will also share a writing exercise at the end of the post that you can complete to begin to create your own ethical will.

Click to read the rest.

If you would like to take training from Barry, he writes in his most recent newsletter:

With a mix of excitement and (some) trepidation, Tracie [Ward] and I conducted our first live video-conference training for Ethical Wills/Legacy Letters Facilitators. The program consisted of 5 sessions of 2.5 hours over a 2-1/2 week period. It was an overwhelming success. So much so that we have already scheduled additional training programs for Ethical Will/Legacy Letter Facilitators (starts May 23rd) and Life Reflection Stories Facilitators (starts April 28th).

The programs are limited to 4 participants.

Contact me [his email address] if you are interested in registering for either of these programs or if you would like more information about the training.

He also included links to three recent articles:

• "Bonding with your Donors: Ethical Wills" (PG Calc)
• "Ethical wills give new life to loved ones’ thoughts" (KSTK)
• "How to Pass Down A Legacy of Family Values" (Digital Journal)

If you are interested in reading more, Barry has also written a book titled Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper.

Note: I would add to Maslow's quote below "a thoughtful and self-aware person must communicate values  . . ." Click to see a larger version of the poster.

Once in a while, a meeting occurs that leaves me grateful for the truly thoughtful, innovative, and resourceful people I have in my network. Yesterday I had one of those meetings. Because I took a few photos (see below), you can briefly come in the room (actually the music studio of Colorado Jazz Workshop) with us.

The purpose of our meeting was to practice a form of visual communication called Sketchnotes. (Click to read about the guidebook to this process of visual notetaking and to read a book excerpt.) The practicing did occur (see photo of an example above drawn by Susanne Hoogwater; click on it to see a larger version) but just as valuable was our free-wheeling conversation (freewheeling is what you'd expect from a group of Renaissance Souls). We considered the roles of cognitive development as well as of innate aptitudes in discussing the kinds of visual communication that would be most helpful to different people; visual communication generally and Sketchnotes specifically are not one-size-fits-all.

Among many other engaging topics, we talked about how templates* or patterns could drive the processes of information gathering, organizing, planning, and communication, and some pros and cons of those effects.

The get-together was very beneficial: A valuable way to learn, a prime way to provoke thinking. We will be gathering again for more mental drilling (and frolicking) and continued pictograph path practicing.

And here are the photos I promised (click on them for larger versions).








Web sites of those participating: Nikki Carpenter, Trina Hoefling, Susanne Hoogwater.

*A couple of the points we looked at can be found here:

Templates or Models
+ Framework to work within
+ Shared language
+ Can revisit
- Poor matching of template/model to issue is problematic
- Fill-in-the-box mentality can lead to less complex thinking

Note (added April 7, 2013): My Inspired Conspiracy™ poster for you is below. Conspire has been one of my favorite words since I first learned its derivation in law school: Breathing together is so potent that it alone can be a crime. "Wonderful! There's a bit of poetry in law school," I thought.