My kids were in college the last time I allowed myself to eat freely and not worry about what I weighed. That was 13 years ago. In those days, we affectionately referred to a roll of fat around the
middle as "pudding".

About six weeks ago, as you are probably aware, I swore off dieting, weighing myself, and obsessing about my food. I am eating mostly healthily in mostly moderate quantities and am exercising almost every day. My body is at a happy place. I now have "pudding" in the usual feminine places, and I feel great, am sleeping well and have loads of creative energy. (Look out Sophia and Cassidy, Grama's coming tomorrow with a craft project!)

The only potential challenge is my clothes. I like my clothes. So far most of them still fit. When I started this adventure, I agreed with myself that it would be okay to get bigger clothes if need be. Some of my jeans are a little snug in the waist, but not to the point where I would replace them. I hate wearing clothes that are too tight.

In her book: Women Afraid to Eat, Frances Berg recommends giving the body 6 months adjust to a consistent supply of fuel, allowing the metabolism to correct itself after years of alternating feasts and famines. So there's no hurry.

All I can say is it sure is nice to be able to get from breakfast to lunch, and lunch to dinner without feeling ravenous, and to not wake up in the middle of the night starving!

"Keeping it simple."

Last night I attended a local production of Full Mouse Empty Mouse: The Musical, sponsored by The Lakeshore Eating Disorders Coalition. It was a lighthearted yet powerful treatment of a difficult subject... disordered/chaotic eating and body image problems especially focusing on children, who, studies show, are "dieting" as young as 4th grade.

A line from the play really stuck with me. It went something like this: "If you eat when you're hungry and stop when you're satisfied, your body will grow to the size it's supposed to be and that you will learn to love."

"Keep it simple."

Yesterday we hit 70º in Muskegon... broke the record high of 66º on November 8, 1945.

Gary and I got out in the glorious sunshine in our shirtsleeves and raked the massive quantities of leaves that fall from our 60' oak trees, and it was pure pleasure... compared to last year.

Usually it's freezing cold by the time the leaves fall. Last year we got a couple inches of slushy snow before we had time to clean up the yard. We raked up a couple dozen bags of sloppy, wet leaves. It was backbreaking, miserable work. The bags were so heavy that we could only fill them 1/2 full. What we usually do when we're finished raking and bagging is to haul the bags into the garage until our yard waste pick-up day. Not last year... we hauled them directly to the curb, because the bottoms of the bags were so wet that we feared that they would drop right out in the garage, and would that ever be a mess. We set the paper leaf bags on plastic drop cloths, hoping they wouldn't absorb any more moisture from the wet ground and predicted rain. As it turned out, disaster was averted...  two days later we had a hard freeze which transformed the soggy bags into blocks of leafy ice. Fortunately, the yard waste guys took them anyway.

"Keep it simple."

For years, I have cooked broccoli in one of those metal steamers that inserts into a saucepan, and frankly, I have simply endured eating it all these years; the cabbage-y taste, the smelly house, the gassy belly... because I know it's good for me. But last night I made broccoli, based on instructions from Mastering the Art Of French Cooking by Julia Child, and not only was it absolutely delicious, it didn't stink up the house, make me gassy, or have that yukky flavor. Here's how:

Bring a large pot of salted water to a full boil. (The idea is to have a much larger volume of water than you think you need, so that the water will return quickly to the boil after the broccoli is added.)
While waiting for the water to boil, rinse the broccoli under cold running water.
Cut apart broccoli stems and peel off the tough outer layer of
the stems.
You may also cook the large stalk end. Simply peel and slice. It's quite tender under the tough outer peel.
Drop broccoli into the rapidly boiling salted water and allow to come back to the boil.
Boil for 5 minutes or until just fork tender.
Immediately drain broccoli into a colander over the the sink.
Place in a serving dish and toss gently with butter or olive oil.
Salt as needed.
Enjoy!

Note: this recipe complies with the Specific Carbohydrate Diet™

"Keep  it simple."

I learned, while battling an anxiety disorder last winter, that affirmations can be very effective in eliciting attitude changes. Lately, while tackling body acceptance issues, I have enlisted an arsenal of affirmations to help me get my head straightened around, especially on days that I feel "fat". I wrote them on colored 3 x 5 cards and decorated them with various colors of felt tip markers, since I can't do anything without getting all artsy.

They sit at my place at the dinner table, and I try to say them out loud, to my face in a mirror, a couple times a day:

"My body is fine just at it is.
"I am strong and healthy."
"I tune in to hunger and satiety."
"I eat healthily and in moderation."
"I move for the joy of it and because it feels good."
"My curves are beautiful."
"I carry myself with pride, dignity and grace."
"I am absolutely gorgeous!."

It's helping.

"Keeping it simple."

I've been reading FAT? SO! Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size, by Marilyn Wann, The Fat Girl's Guide to Life, by Wendy Shanker, and Self-Esteem Comes in all Sizes: How to be Happy and Healthy at Your Natural Weight, by Carol A. Johnson. The first two are informative, hilarious and provocative rants, the third is filled with great info too, but a little on the dry and wordy side. If I'm going learn to accept my body at whatever weight it wants to be I'll need all the humor I can get. On that score, FAT! SO? wins the levity prize hands down.

These books have opened my eyes to what's going on in the fat acceptance movement, and we're talking seriously fat people... in your face fat people... activist fat people... fat people sick and tired of the stigmatizing and the lies that are perpetrated in the name of heathy-living... like it's not possible to be "overweight" and also healthy... it is, say these books, and they quote studies to prove it. It's the multi-zillion diet and pharmaceutical industry that would have us believe that thin is the only in.

As for me, I'm a little bit fatter and just as sassy as ever. I'm eating normally; not counting calories or fat grams or weighing my food. I'm selecting from a variety of (mostly) healthily foods, (mostly) waiting to eat till I'm hungry and (mostly)stopping when satisfied. I'm also moving (mostly) every day by doing something active that feels good.

"Keeping it simple."

I spent the other night going through old photo albums of me before I started tinkering with the body that nature gave me and dieted myself into a waif-like state at age 15. Prior to that, I was a cute kid. Tall for my age. Always had a little round belly. I wore my shirts untucked and "A-line"dresses with no discernible waistline. 

Here's a shot of me at age 11, and my little sister, Amy playing dress-up. We fancied ourselves to be flamenco dancers. Amy's the skinny one. I'm the chubby one. In fact, that's pretty much how we look today, except taller and with breasts.

Yesterday I went shopping at a local discount store. I happened upon a rack of knit dresses. Because I need a new outfit for Thanksgiving weekend, (which will be spent with family across the state, and I just can't wear that same pair of brown dress slacks with that same autumn-orange sweater again) I decided to try a couple on. One of them flattered my current round-bellied figure especially well. And it reminded me of the dresses I wore when I was a kid.

I bought the gray one. I plan to wear it with silver jewelry, black tights and boots. It was only $20. Such a deal and I'll be stylin'.

As I headed for the parking lot with my purchase, there was this little girl... about 11... unselfconsciously galloping alongside her parents toward their car. She looked carefree and happy... she was wearing a gray knit dress and a pair of black boots.

"Keep it simple."

Last Friday I experienced my first Authentic Movement session led by Stefanie Cohen of Ann Arbor. Stefanie is warm, and welcoming. I have to mention that Stephanie also has a beautiful body... unapologetically voluptuous... how I want to be.

Kind and accepting, Stefanie put me right at ease. First, she had me go through series of images and select a few that "spoke" to my current issues. I selected a photo of "Swan Lake" skinny ballerinas, a drawing of full-fleshed and joyous African dancers, a photo of a small boy doing Tai Chi totally unselfconsciously, and a painting of a confident, robust, beautiful, generously proportioned woman in a form-fitting tuxedo.

Stefanie then guided me though a movement improvisation journey that I found extremely healing. One of my goals was to continue to come home to my "55-year-old grama self" and leave behind my "skinny teenage dancer self". My current body is considerably larger than the twig I was in my eating-disordered teens. So I worked on really feeling my weight and mass as I moved through the space, and paid special loving attention to the soft flesh around my middle that smooshes over my waistband when I sit or bend over. I also acknowledged and affirmed my limitations, things that make it harder to get up and down off the floor and move as freely as I did when I was younger... arthritis in my knees, shoulder and foot. 

So it was a combination of letting go of my association of dance with thinness and accepting my current size... finding out that it still feels good to move and that I can still "dance" if I want to. One thing that Stefanie shared that really resonated with me, is that when I experience a "twinge" of muscle/joint pain in my body, I might think of it as that part sending me a message about how faithfully it has worked and served me over the years. Maybe it's asking to be treated with extra sensitivity and acknowledged with gratitude.

As I left the session I couldn't help but feel that another piece of my body acceptance puzzle had fallen into place.

"Keep it simple."