The Nationals Enquirer

Julian Tavarez gets dumped by his 600-pound J-Lo.

2009-07-20T10:15:12-04:00

(AP Photo. Julian Tavarez: Looking for love in all the wrong places.)

"They made the right decision. I just wish I would have done a better job - that we would have done a better job. I'm a professional. I just didn't do my job."
(Julian Tavarez, via Washington Times, 7/20/2009)

Strap on your beer goggles: Julian Tavarez, DFA.

And so, as we close the book on the Julian Tavarez Era in Washington, let's take a moment to revisit the greatest quote in the brief history of the Washington Nationals, issued by JT after signing with the team at the end of March:

"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavarez said then. "When you go to a club until 4 a.m. and [are] just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me, this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's four in the morning. Too much to drink. All the girls look hot. So the Nationals are Jennifer Lopez to me."

And now, the 600-pounder has kicked Julian Tavarez to the curb. Sad. In truth, it sounds like Julian led quite a lonely existence during his tenure with the Nats (via Washington Post 7/20/2009):

In Washington, Tavárez lived in a single room at the Capital Skyline Hotel, just a few blocks from the ballpark. He kept no friends in the city, and did little else but wake up, work out, prepare to pitch, and pitch.

And recently, pitch very, very, badly. Godspeed, Julian Tavarez. Best of luck to you as you strap on your beer goggles and try to pick up your next 600-pounder. She's out there waiting for you, somewhere.

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Breakdown.

2009-07-20T09:18:29-04:00

(AP Photo/Evan Vucci. It can't get any worse. Right?)

"Today was a step backwards - just a breakdown all the way around on the ballclub."
(Jim Riggleman, via Washington Times, 7/20/2009)

Fire Jim Riggleman.

Swept Away

Cubs 11, NAAAts 3 (Sunday): Yuck. A seven-run fourth, and the rout is on...

Cubs 6, Nats 5 (Saturday): A Sori state of affairs.

Welcome to the Big Leagues, J.D. Martin.

Welcome back Logan Kensing. Farewell, Julian Tavarez.

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Hey Joe Beimel: YOU bleeping SUCK!

2009-07-18T11:51:39-04:00

(AP Photo. Dear Nats fans: "Ordinary Joe" Beimel doesn't think YOU care enough.)

"I've been kind of shocked no one gives you a hard time around here. Maybe they just don't care enough."
(Joe 0-5 Beimel, via Washington Post, 7/18/2009)

Bum Beimel Rips Uncaring Nats Fans!

You're probably right, Joe: Nats fans probably haven't given you a hard enough time for sucking this season. But before we continue, did we mention we loved your work against Pablo Sandoval out in San Francisco in May? That was awesome.

Buried in a story story by the Washington Post's Paul Schwartzman about the commitment of loyal Nats fans in the face of the piss-poor product on display at Nationals Park, Joe Beimel suggests that Nats fans don't care enough -- because most choose to cheer on the team - rather than give the team "a hard time" at home games. See Joe's quote above.

But surely we can address Joe's concerns, Nats fans. This is a call to arms!

First, join the Nationals Enquirer in lovingly Booing Joe Beimel each and every time he steps onto the field at Nationals Park for the rest of the season - or until he returns to LA, whichever happens first.

Then, join The Nationals Enquirer for an upcoming "Nationals Enquirer Brown Bag Night" at Nationals Park (date TBD), where we'll all get together wearing paper bags on our heads while we cheer on the home team and heartily boo that bleeping stiff, Joe Beimel. More details to follow.

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Pathetic!

2009-07-18T10:30:17-04:00

(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais. Eeeek! Welcome to NatsTown, where even the ballgirls Fail. Micah Hoffpauir shoves the ballgirl out of the way and dives into the stands to catch a Willie Harris foul pop in the third inning. Later, the ballgirl dove into the stands to avoid another foul pop in the area.)

Fire the Ballgirl! Fire Everybody!

"Players are playing hard. They're not accepting it. They're frustrated with the record, and they're anxious to turn it around. And we're gonna turn it around. ... I can tell you that. We will turn it around."
(Jim Riggleman, via Washington Times, 7/18/2009)

Cubs 3, Nationals 1: More Mannyball from Interim Jim's boys. They had Zambrano on the ropes early, but instead of delivering the knockout blow, they just blew.

Meanwhile...

Phew! There's nothing wrong with Zim's head, it's just his arm slot causing all those errors!
Scott Olsen won't pitch on Monday afterall. Welcome to the big leagues, Mr. J.D. Martin? Hendo explores some options?
Mark Zuckerman recounts the Soriano deal that never happened. So you can thank Jimbo for Jordan Zimmermann. Go ahead, thank him.
Guzman's bunions. Maybe that's why he looks like he's dogging it?
Soriano's pinkie owie might make him miss the rest of the series.

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Rigglemanny

2009-07-17T00:15:00-04:00

(Photo by Reuters Pictures. Interim Jim ponders the question: "W.W.M.D.? What would Manny do?")

Fire Jim Riggleman!

Cubs 6, Nats 2: He promised more of the same, and his team delivered.

It's like a checklist from the Manny Acta Era! A quality start from John Lannan; errors; baserunning blunders; no offense; and of course, pyrotechnics from the bullpen.

Meanwhile...

Scott Olsen, scratched from tonight's start with tightness in his back; Craig Stammen will start in his place. Hello, J.D. Martin?

Now, let the Julian Tavarez DFA Watch begin!

Bill Ladson reports that "contending teams" are interested in Willie Harris; and that Rizzo may be pulling a Jimbo with Nick Johnson, i.e. asking for sun, moon, and stars:

According to one baseball source, the Nationals are asking too much for Johnson. Teams are not willing to give up top young players for a guy who gets injured often.

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Meet the New Boss. Same as the Old Boss?

2009-07-16T07:13:09-04:00

(Photo of Jim Riggleman on TV by Nationals Enquirer staff. The new Nats Skipper put to rest any talk that he's a fiery personality with a snoozer of an introductory presser.)

"Everything that we’ve tried to do to this point was all correct - in theory, it’s all correct. Manny did all of the right things, so there’s not a lot of change to make; we’ve just got to get some results. … We’re not going to reinvent the game."
(Jim Riggleman, via Chatter/Washington TImes, 7/15/2009)

Interim Jim Meets the Press...

...and proceeds to simultaneously bore and scare the living crap out of NatsTown with his remarks. But wait, isn't Mr. Riggles supposed to be a hard-ass?

"I feel like I'm a bit of a softy. I think I'm pretty easy. I think I'm easy in the sense that if players are not playing well I understand that; it's a tough game. But if they're not playing hard, that irks me. If they're not respectful of the game, respectful of the uniform, respectful of the fans -- if they do that, that's a problem."
(Jim Riggleman, via Nationals Journal/Washington Post, 7/15/2009)

Softy? Say it ain't so, Jim!

The Jim Riggleman Era begins.

Best of luck to you Mr. Riggleman. We wish you nothing but success the rest of the season - just not too much success, okay? Whatever you do, please don't go and blow the #1 pick in 2010: we want Bryce Harper more than we want a few more meaningless wins in 2009. And don't look now, but here come the Cleveland Indians in the Chase for Worst Place:

Some teams enter the second half of the season bubbling with anticipation over the race to come. The Indians enter screaming. Contenders come out of the All-Star break with destinations unknown. There are divisions to win, wild cards berths to claim. How deep into October can we go?

For a team like the Indians, a team of strangers, their destination is written in stone. When the season ends on Oct. 4, they'll go home after a year filled with injuries, strife, poor performances, votes of confidence and being compared to the Washington Nationals. And that was just the first half.
(via Cleveland Plain Dealer, 7/15/2009)

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Obama Hates the Nats

2009-07-15T08:07:25-04:00

(Photo by Reuters Pictures. President Obama walks onto the field at Busch Stadium last night, minutes before taking a shot at the Nationals on FOX.)

National Punchline.

First, back in April, The President of the United States of America snubbed the Nationals, declining an invitation to throw out the first pitch at the home opener (while extending an invitation that same week to the Phillies to visit the White House). Okay, we understand: he's a busy man.

But during last night's All Star game, while visiting with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver in the FOX broadcast booth, Mr. Obama piled on the hopeless Nationals. Over at the Bog, Dan Steinberg provides video evidence (via StetSports dot com). To our ears, the Presidential diss sounded like this:

"Everyone around the country has a little bit of hope for their team...Maybe with the exception of the Nationals."

Insert laugh track here.

Over at Washington Times/Chatter, Mark Zuckerman has a transcript of the Presidential diss, with a slightly different translation.

It's just the latest proof that the Nationals have become a national punchline.

Regardless, Obama's comments are at least proof that the The Prez is aware that there's a Major League Baseball team playing right around the corner from his house (despite the fact that the majority of the time they don't resemble a Major League Baseball team). After blowing off the Nats in April, we weren't so sure he even knew baseball had returned to Our Nationals Capital. Heck, at least "W" showed up once in a while to root for the home team from time to time when he was in office.

Final note to the Prez: if you do decide to throw out the first pitch at Nationals Park some day, please leave your White Sox jacket at home.

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Let us know when it's time to start worrying about Strasburg.

2009-07-15T08:05:35-04:00

(Photo by Getty Images. Stephen Strasburg could potentially break the fragile heart of NatsTown.)

Should we start worrying yet?

After Bud Selig's comments yesterday: Yes.

It's been a few weeks since the Strasburg Negotiations heated up when Stan Kasten smashed up Scott Boras' car, but with the August 17th deadline looming just over a month away now: is it time for Nationals fans to start worrying about the team's ability to sign Stephen Strasburg? We've been trying to block it out here at the offices of The Nationals Enquirer. We're not particularly concerned thatthe Nats haven't spoken directly to Strasburg since Draft Day, as Boz reported yesterday:

Strasburg said that "I haven't heard from the Nationals" since he was drafted, other than receiving a minor league contract -- a technicality that prevents him from becoming a free agent.

What really matters is that Rizzo has been talking to Boras (also via Boz):

While the Nationals have not spoken directly to Strasburg, acting general manager Mike Rizzo has been in frequent contact for weeks with Strasburg's agent, Scott Boras, according to Nationals President Stan Kasten.

That's all well and good: team talks to agent rather than player during a negotiation. Par for the course. But Bud Selig's comments yesterday on the Strasburg negotiations had the effect of pushing the panic button:

"They're very sincere about signing Strasburg, and I'm hopeful that they will, and I know they are going to make him a very meaningful offer. Now, what happens from there is going to be up to Mr. Boras and Mr. Strasburg and what they want to do, and what the Nationals want to do."

"I look around. I think about this subject a lot. Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Ryan Zimmerman, Ryan Howard. They all signed at slot or under -- [and] they're all doing pretty well. Let's be honest, in this economy, the numbers that are being spent [on young players] are pretty good."
(Bud Selig, via Nationals Journal, 7/14/2009)

In other words: No surprise, but Bud expects the Nats to toe the party line. And they probably will. And Boras will take his ball and go play somewhere else. Time to start preparing for the bad news, NatsTown.

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Bud threatens contraction for Nats

2009-07-14T21:33:35-04:00

(Reuters Photo. Ted and Mark in happier times. Smile Ted, the money is still rolling in!)

"They bought a team from Montreal that didn't really have anybody there. [And they have run this thing straight into the ground. In hindsight, I should've just contracted the damn Expos. And I should have known a bunch of mall rats weren't fit to own a baseball team. I apologize. I'm considering just contracting the franchise and putting everyone out of their misery.] But they understand what they have to do, and I have every confidence they will do that. I don't think they need me or anybody else to defend them."
(Bud Selig, via Nationals Journal, 7/14/2009)

Actually, Bud thinks the Lerners are "on the right track." Go figure.

Earlier this afternoon, Bud Selig held a Q&A session with the Baseball Writers Association of America. Dave Sheinin (Post) and Mark Zuckerman (Times) transcribed the Nats-related details online. Not surprisingly, Bud refused to admit there's a problem in Washington, rushing to the defense of the Lerner Family (via Chatter/Wash Times):

Q: On what basis can you say they understand what they're doing and you have confidence in them to do that?

Bud Selig: Because I've been talking to them, and I know what they want to do, and I know what they've done in their farm system, and I've had other people evaluate their farm system and their organization. And while obviously this has been painful for them, I have every confidence they know what they're going to do and they're going to do it.

Feel better now, NatsTown?

Meanwhile, if you haven't read Thom Loverro's piece from earlier today, it's required reading...

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This much we know: it wasn't Pat Corrales.

2009-07-14T11:11:37-04:00

(Photo of Pat Corrales graciously provided by Miss Chatter)

"It's a huge part of the puzzle. It's a huge part of the makeup of a championship-caliber club. I've been on several championship clubs in the big leagues, and you don't win unless you have guys in the clubhouse that have character, that stick together and that play as a unit."
(Mike Rizzo, via Washington TImes, 7/3/2009)

Character, character, character!

Via Deadspin, the Houston Chronicle's Jose de Jesus Ortiz posted on his blog on Sunday about the sleazy exploits of a married MLB player attempting to pick up a 20-yr. old intern in Houston:

"...after a recent game, a Major League Baseball player asked a female intern from another media outlet if she'd like to join him at a club in Houston later that night.

That was the first stupid decision made by the player, who just happens to be a married father. The young lady then accepted his phone number, which was a major no-no in the context of how it was offered.

As if that weren't silly enough, the young lady, who has nearly 700 "friends" on Facebook, decided to post this message on her Facebook account for over four hours: "Was asked out by (team name and player name) last night and I have his cell phone number to prove it."

Naturally, it turns out that the failed pickup attempt was perpetrated by a current member of the Nationals: Courtesy of Steinberg's Bog this morning, Jeff Pearlman reported yesterday that the player was indeed a Washington National. Of course, given the new focus on the importance of character around NatsTown, the team responded swiftly: by considering a ban on interns in the clubhouse.

"According to a baseball source, the ballplayer ... was a member of the Washington Nationals. Furthermore, because of the incident, the Nationals are now considering a permanent, all-encompassing ban of interns from the team's clubhouse."

Our own Anonymous sources, always with no knowledge of the situation, confirmed for us that the player was definitely not freshly-minted bench coach Pat Corrales.

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The Nationals Enquirer

Julian Tavarez gets dumped by his 600-pound J-Lo.

(AP Photo. Julian Tavarez: Looking for love in all the wrong places.)

Strap on your beer goggles: Julian Tavarez, DFA.

Breakdown.

(AP Photo/Evan Vucci. It can't get any worse. Right?)

Fire Jim Riggleman.

Swept Away

Cubs 11, NAAAts 3 (Sunday): Yuck. A seven-run fourth, and the rout is on...

Cubs 6, Nats 5 (Saturday): A Sori state of affairs.

Hey Joe Beimel: YOU *bleeping* SUCK!

(AP Photo. Dear Nats fans: "Ordinary Joe" Beimel doesn't think YOU care enough.)

"I've been kind of shocked no one gives you a hard time around here. Maybe they just don't care enough."(Joe 0-5 Beimel, via Washington Post, 7/18/2009)

Bum Beimel Rips Uncaring Nats Fans!

Pathetic!

Fire the Ballgirl! Fire Everybody!

Cubs 3, Nationals 1: More Mannyball from Interim Jim's boys. They had Zambrano on the ropes early, but instead of delivering the knockout blow, they just blew.

Rigglemanny

(Photo by Reuters Pictures. Interim Jim ponders the question: "W.W.M.D.? What would Manny do?")

Fire Jim Riggleman!

Cubs 6, Nats 2: He promised more of the same, and his team delivered.

Meet the New Boss. Same as the Old Boss?

(Photo of Jim Riggleman on TV by Nationals Enquirer staff. The new Nats Skipper put to rest any talk that he's a fiery personality with a snoozer of an introductory presser.)

Interim Jim Meets the Press...

The Jim Riggleman Era begins.

Obama Hates the Nats

(Photo by Reuters Pictures. President Obama walks onto the field at Busch Stadium last night, minutes before taking a shot at the Nationals on FOX.)

National Punchline.

Let us know when it's time to start worrying about Strasburg.

(Photo by Getty Images. Stephen Strasburg could potentially break the fragile heart of NatsTown.)

Should we start worrying yet?

Bud threatens contraction for Nats

(Reuters Photo. Ted and Mark in happier times. Smile Ted, the money is still rolling in!)

Actually, Bud thinks the Lerners are "on the right track." Go figure.

This much we know: it wasn't Pat Corrales.

Character, character, character!

Hey Joe Beimel: YOU bleeping SUCK!

"I've been kind of shocked no one gives you a hard time around here. Maybe they just don't care enough."
(Joe 0-5 Beimel, via Washington Post, 7/18/2009)