We were all set to attend the fostering orientation meeting last night and then Louis was offered (and accepted) a very good paying job with the federal government.  In DC.  We do not live in DC.  Sigh.

As of the end of the month, we will be a "commuter family". We hope that he can find a federal job here within a year.  Until then, he'll live out there with occasional trips home.  Obviously, fostering is now out of the picture - at least until he is back full-time.

In our case, the plan is fostering but that doesn't scan correctly.

We're not pregnant, again, and we have only 2 vials left.  We talked about how to best use them.  Should we save them and have me fully tested (again - last time was in 2004)?  Should we try IVF?  Our insurance covers absolutely nothing related to infertility.  Even leaving Louis out of it, the diagnostic testing on just ME wouldn't be covered because it would be used to rule out... infertility!  What a bitch.  I really don't want to sink $3-6K on testing just to have them come back with a diagnosis of unexplained infertility (we have no reason to think it would be otherwise - I have very regular cycles with clear ovulation patterns based on charting).  So, we will be doing the last two vials at home again in two weeks.  I am not being negative but I'm not overly hopeful.  That leads us to our plan of fostering.

We looked into domestic infant and even overseas adoption but Louis' age is a huge strike against us.  In the process, I started looking deeper into the foster care system.  For out area, the average foster care child is younger than five (61%), likely white (53% white, 33% Hispanic, 8% AA, 4% biracial), and a mostly even boy/girl split.  64% of the children who are adopted through the state are done so by their foster parents.  I like those odds.  This may be an excellent way to help some children and, eventually, help ourselves.

Grab a shovel - I'm digging a canal!

For instance, would you rather be allergic to dairy and work in an ice cream store or be a recovered alcoholic and work in a bar?  Or better for our lives, would you rather have primary infertility or secondary infertility?  Does it matter?  Both options totally blow.   Its like asking would you rather die by decapitation or by hanging? Either way you're still dead.

Well, I'm one former alcolic* who is facing the noose at the end of the next cycle. We have one more week before this cycle is done but I've already got the whole gallow humor going. 

*not really - just follow the bouncing metaphor

Louis and I had a brief discussion after reading the article.  He said he should write one from our perspective.  I said hetero couples using DI don't have the same cache as lesbian couples or single mothers by choice.  In our case, people quickly become uncomfortable because they assume something is "wrong" with Louis.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see DI being portrayed as a positive way to build a family but I wish it didn't carry such a stigma for us.

After MUCH discussion, we decided to try a new donor last month.  Everything looked perfect and I was so certain that it would work.  Yeah, no dice.  We were using a donor who had no reported pregancies but that's not really a consideration.  Who knows why it didn't work.  I think that is one of my biggest gripes about this whole process - too many variables!! I like nice, constant "if, then" equations.  TTC, especially with DI, is just a big black box.  You throw it all in and who knows what whill come out.

But, I digress.

While that cycle was playing out, we received confirmation that we can purchase the last 5 sibling vials from another family (!)  Hopefully, everything will be squared away so we can cycle in February and March.  That will be 7 cycles trying to conceive a second child.  We've decided that if neither cycle works, we're done.  I don't want to waste Ben's childhood in TWWs.  I also don't want to spend all of our financial reserves so that we can't afford another child if we were to conceive. 

I feel at peace with this decision.  We have tried all we could reasonably try.  We have "found" far more vials than we ever thought we would and have been given multipe second chances but at some point you have to just say "enough". 

Then I started wondering, "where did this come from?"  My teeth aren't great - I have my share of cavities but that didn't happen until I was in my 30s.  My mother says her family has bad teeth and that my brother had really bad teeth as a kid but is that all?  Does the donor also have unusually soft enamel?  His donor profile doesn't make a mention of it but maybe it's a recessive gene? 

It's times like this that I wish I knew more.  I know I've mulled over the idea of genetic testing several times.  There are always two stumbling blocks: the cost and, more importantly, the concern that his genetic information would then be floating about and may some day be used in a way that I do not authorize. 

I think I may be close to the point where the benefits outweigh the risks/costs.  At least then we'd have his whole picture and not just a fuzzy half.

Our next cycle will be right before Christmas with a test date of January 3.  What a way to start the year!

It's funny, I remember how much we agonized over our original donor selections.  When we finally landed on our current pick, he wasn't even our top pick!  All of the others were sold out.  This time it's much easier as I've asked the bank to suggest some donors that match our current one.  Their top pick is the same as one I've been seriously considering.  It looks like we have a winner!

While I'm sad that this potenial child won't be a full-sibling to Ben, I know that it really doesn't matter.  He would be such an awesome big brother, regardless.  I'm really hoping we can make this happen.

I am a total Type A personality and not having control over this important aspect of my life drives me absolutely bonkers.  I let it stress me out way too much and I know that stress affects my cycle and health.  I need to stop.  I also need to stop obsessing about other pregnancies.  I'm becoming very jealous and spiteful.  I was even a little glad when my co-worker told me on Monday that she wasn't pregnant (they've been trying for a year).  Jeez, schadenfreude anyone?  I don't like the person I am becoming. 

How can I expect to become pregnant when my heart is so dark?

In between explaining to Ben about death and funeral homes and cemetaries ("you mean, there are people under those stones?!?"), Ben had a chance to meet a lot of aunts, uncles, counsins, etc.  He also met his 82 year old grandmother who looked at him hard and said "you must look like your mother because you certainly don't look like a "Smith".  Color me stunned.  I was too busy thinking about how to help Ben process the trip to think that someone might call us out like that. So many people have said that Ben looks like Louis over the years that I didn't that anyone, especially his mother, would say otherwise.  None of Louis' family knows that we used DI.  Frankly, I don't think they would understand or approve and it's really none of their business.  I just made noises about my family's genes being very strong and walked away but I'm really glad that Ben didn't really catch what she said.