The Annekenstein Monster

We Don't Want To Murder You. We Just Want Candy

2011-11-01T17:01:52-03:00

It was our first Halloween in our new house.

Actually, only partly true. It was the first Halloween for my wife and son. Our new house is the house I grew up in, so I've had probably two decades worth of Halloweens in the house. (We bought my parent's house and moved into it in September)

But for the sake of simplicity, let's call it our first Halloween in our new house.

We were told, by my parents, to expect about 25 trickertreaters, and sure enough, we had maybe 30 before the 8pm curfew. (there is an 8pm curfew, right?)

And two more after the curfew. Well-after the curfew.

About 11:50pm, as I'm just about ready to go to bed (everyone else except the cats had already retired to their bedrooms), our front doorbell rings. Now, if you're like me, you don't like doorbells to ring around midnight, and you don't like middle-of-the-night phone calls. So, I nervously approach the front door. I see two figures standing on the doorstep, both dressed in black cloaks, and both wearing white full-face masks. One was tall and thin, the other shorter and squat.

"Trick or Treat", says the taller one. He speaks with a slow, deep voice. Kind of slurred, but it didn't sound drunk-slurred. Just creepy-slurred. Anyway, I didn't recognize it.

"Sorry", I say. "Too late."

"C'mon, trick or treat", he says. There is no humour or levity to his voice. To me, it sounds ominous.

"No way, boys." I instantly regretted the "boys", because it sounded fake and desperate. I wanted to maintain a detached coolness to the whole affair, and didn't think this "boys" was helping me achievie my goal.

"Trick or treat. We want some candy"

"You gotta leave now. You're not getting anything." Strong and emphatic. Not a hint of the scaredy-cat heart-thumping I was experiencing inside.

At this point, a few things enter my brain. One is that these two guys are decoys, and the real threat (yes, I was feeling threatened) had already entered through the back door. Did I lock the back door? I look behind me, half-expecting to be hit by a blunt object. But, of course, nobody was there. Two, is the idea that both of them were about to pull bats out from under their cloaks and break the windows and enter and do who-knows-what. The movie "Funny Games" suddenly appeared in my thoughts and my brain kind of peed itself. Three, is the question "Are they friends of my son?" and simultaneously realizing I don't know them. None of these thoughts did anything to negate my growing nervousness, nor quash my ever-rapidly-increasing heart beat.

"We want candy." Only the tall, thin one was speaking. This only added to my anxiety.

"You're not getting anything. You have to leave now."

And this next sentence was the sentence that took this whole experience to a new level of freaky for me.

"We don't want to murder you. We just want candy."

You'd have to hear it to understand just how creepy and awful and passively threatening it was. My first thought was "We don't want to murder you" doesn't necessarily mean "we won't be murdering you". It just means they don't "want" to murder you, but they will, if they don't get candy.

"Okay, I'm calling the police."

A few more moments of more of the same lack of ground-gaining from either party. They insisting on getting candy, and me insisting on this being enough now.

Then they leave, and walk down the driveway. I watch them amble off across the street and into the yard of a neighbour. I go and get my cell-phone, ready to dial if I see anything untoward. I may have actually thought the word "untoward" in my brain at that moment. I wondered if this event would warrant a 911 call or should I call another number? What would that other number be?

They come back to the street and walk up to another neighbour's house, walk up to their veranda - I ready to call 911, even if it didn't warrant ti - and then the tall one picked up something off the veranda and walked back to the street. They start back toward my house.

I am so ready to call 911. i see he has a pumpkin. A good sized pumpkin. "Okay, it's going through one of our windows" I think. I brace myself for this.

But then, at the end of the driveway, he lifts the pumpkin over his head and throws it onto our pavement. It breaks into pieces. They wander off, up the street.

I watch them until I can't see them anymore. Then I watch them for another couple of minutes.

Then I go and check the back door. It was locked.

Then I go to bed and try to get my heart to stop beating, and feel kind of embarrassed for having my heart beating so much at what turned out to be a non-event.

Happy Halloween!

Letter To My 16 Year Old Self

2011-10-25T16:48:06-03:00

Saw this Dear Me Celebrity Extracts on The Guardian website, and thought I’d give it a go. Not the Charlottetown The Guardian, but the British The Guardian.

Dear Robert,
It’s you, from the year 2011. You’re now over 45 years old. For the most part, only your Mom and someone named Linda call you Robert anymore. Now, people call you “The Situation”. (This is a joke that you won’t understand until you get to be my age. And even then, you won’t find it that funny. Nobody calls you The Situation. The Situation is, obviously, a name nobody will ever be called). No, most everyone calls you “Rob”. For some reason, you decide to drop the “ert” in your first year of university.
So, other than telling you about your name-shortening (which I just did), I’m going to speak in generalizations so that the time-line doesn’t get altered too much, because I’m pretty content with the place I’m at right now, and don’t want to mess that up too much.
So, the first thing to know is this: You turn out pretty good, I think. Got a few issues to work out, but who doesn’t.

In no particular order:

- In a couple of years, if you find yourself hemming and hawing about it, GO to that Doug & The Slugs concert. Won’t say why, exactly, but it turns out pretty good for you, long-term.

- The biggest piece of advice I can give you - and this may fuck everything up for me/us in 2011 - is for you to be more forthcoming with speaking your opinion. Don’t let your shyness influence who you are. Speak out and become more engaged. You’ll soon be going to a party with a few friends at a cottage - it’s the same party where you discover the awesomeness of putting peanut butter on hot dogs - and, I implore you, don’t be so afraid to talk to the girls that are there.

- I know you have no expectation or even desire for this right now, but you’re going to make a pretty decent number of people laugh over the years. In this regard, I ask of you this: maintain perspective. Don’t let anything go to your head.

- There will come a night when you and a friend from university go out, with the intention of drinking, partying, etc. When that night arrives, I implore you... DO NOT drink so much tequila so quickly. Otherwise, your night will end at 8:45, and you will have discovered that vomit ruins bibles.

- Don’t stop playing tennis. And don’t eat so many potato chips. I’ll not say why these two items are together, but if you use your brain, you can figure out what I may be hinting at.

- Start a band. Not doing so will be a life-long “jeez, I shoulda...” disappointment.

Finally, just be yourself. If you decide to ignore most of these suggestions, no problem, you’ll still turn out pretty good, I’d say.

Sincerely,
You, from 30 years in the future.

Miss USA, Prettiest of the Morons

2011-06-20T16:35:34-03:00

I happened upon a couple of minutes near the end of the Miss USA pageant last night. Normally I wouldn't watch such claptrap, but they were at the "ask the beauties about themselves and see if they can construct sentences" portion of the show, so I had to see how they did.

Most of it was pretty vapid. And I don't mean Human-levels of vapidness, I'm talkin' a vapidness that surpasses even Beauty-Pageant-levels of vapid.
Just moronic, the answers were.

The highlight lowlight for me was Miss California.

(side note: look at this picture. She looks like an Alien monster. Seriously. This is supposed to be the epitome of American beauty?)

She was asked to expand on her apparent infatuation with history. What is it about history that you like?

She said she really likes history, is "a huge history buff", and is totally obsessed with the Tudor and Stuart era. I thought this was a rather specific and odd statement, but, okay, she likes that period of English history. Okay.

Then she said we can always find her in the history section at the Barnes and Noble. Nothing wrong with that.

Then came the home-run: To reiterate her love of history, she said she watches a lot of TV, like Game Of Thrones and Camelot.

Let me repeat that: As examples of history-based TV programs she watches, she singles out Game Of Thrones and Camelot.

Okay, I can forgive Camelot, even though practically everything about the King Arthur legend is pure speculation.

But there's no excuse for putting Game Of Thrones in any category even close to "history".

(the historically accurate map of Eastern Doesnotexist)

To her credit, she did quickly realize her own stupidity, and backtracked saying she realized those shows were more fantasy. But that doesn't negate the fact that she mentioned them as examples of history-based TV shows she likes. Moron.

Then, as if to re-prove how smart she was, and to prove that she did, in fact, watch programs of historical significance, she said she did watch and love shows like The Tudors.

The Tudors.

I derive joy thinking that she believes The Tudors is in any significant way historically accurate.

I further imagine that she gets her knowledge of French/Gallic history from Asterix and Obelix comics.

I also imagine that, in 400 years, her great great great great great grand-moron will one day declare her love of history, saying she's obsessed with the Julia Roberts era of history, and loves watching history shows like Desperate Housewives.

Rob's Seven-Word Review of "Source Code"

2011-06-13T15:46:10-03:00

Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, Vera Farmiga & Jeffrey Wright

My review: Well-performed sci-fi. Wright's character misses. Pretty eyes.

7 Word Reviews of IMAF2011 Videos Seen

2011-06-02T10:17:34-03:00

So, for a while now, I've been thinking about writing up some 7-word reviews (that's kind of become my thing - 7 word reviews. Well, one of my things) of the videos I saw at this year's Island Media Arts Festival. Wanted to do it right after the screenings, to keep it fresh. Then I didn't do it. Then I thought "well, the time has passed" and decided not to do it. Then I thought "what the hell, just do it" and then I did it. That's a lot of "thens".

Overall, I enjoyed the two nights of screeenings I saw. Generally speaking, it's obvious that a lot of people have some pretty stout talents when it comes to shooting videos, and making them look really nice. I did find myself wishing, though, that there were more people who were more interested in telling stories than they were in making videos look nice.

Anyway, here are some 7 word reviews. With only 7 words, you might have to read between the lines quite a bit, and likely my meaning at times will be confusing as I attempt to have some specific word imply a whole paragraph of opinion.

FULL SCHEDULE – WEB WORKS AND COMEDY SCREENING:

And Yet I Blame Hollywood – Dave Stewart : A series of five two-minute movie reviews, in animated form.

My 7 Word Review: Sharply written. Distinct animation and characters. Succeeds. (disclosure: I did some voice-work for some of these episodes)

Bunny Bop; Episode One – Cheryl Wagner : Episode One of a 15 episode web series for kids. It features young kids in bunny suits at play in a wondrous garden setting.

My 7 Word Review: Cute, bright, short. Kids should love this.

Pabst Blue Ribbon – Jeremy Larter : A nod to David Lynch and Dennis Hopper.

My 7 Word Review: Didn't get any Lynch or Hopper vibe.

The New Neighbours – Susan Rodgers : When new neighbours move in to the apartment across the hall, they start making some strange sounds in the morning.

My 7 Word Review: Disliked this. Too slow. Too long. Unfunny.

Billy Pelican; Reality TV – Neil Wiley/Richard DesRoches : A short film done in “vlog” form.

My 7 Word Review: Dated. Mercer rant ripoff. Well performed, though.

Mr. Happy – Pamela Lovelace : A man with particular tastes gets more than he bargained for at this particular coffee shop.

My 7 Word Review: Liked at beginning. Bored by the end.

20 Steps Toronto – Jeremy Larter : 20 shots around Nathan Phillips Square in 20 step increments.

My 7 Word Review: Rather aimless and random. Looked nice though.

Colour Code – Errol Richardson : The band Colour Code rehearses to syncopated lights.

My 7 Word Review: Nice, but ran out of steam, visually.

A Time to Drum; Chapter Two – Susan Rodgers : Chapter two in a web series about dreams set against the backdrop of pipe band drumming. It is a passion project by a Mom whose son Christopher lives for music.

My 7 Word Review: Long and self-absorbed. Desperately needs editor.

Three Amigos Buy a Door – John Christenson : Three friends, member of the NB film co-op are tasked to improve the security of the co-op office by acquiring a new door. However, long-time friends or not, they soon find that they don’t quite work in sync.

My 7 Word Review: Amateurish, uninspired. Humour misses. Made by technicians?

Food Country; Brookfield Gardens – Adam Perry : One episode of the Food Country series featuring Chef Michael Smith as he tours PEI, talking to the people who produce the food we eat. And then making marvellous dishes.

My 7 Word Review: Visually beautiful. Charming, warm, educational. Well done.

Now and Then – Millefiore Clarkes : One episode of the ten part series produced by ‘this town is small’ featuring PEI musicians in locations of significance around Charlottetown.

My 7 Word Review: Simple, well executed. Don't remember song, though.

How to Be Alone – Andrea Dorfman/Tanya Davis : A quiet film that explores the delight one can find in being alone.

(this video had technical difficulties so we didn't see it at the festival. However, I had watched it on the internet, so this is a review of that experience) My 7 Word Review: Turned it off halfway through. Too precious.

December in Toronto – Millefiore Clarkes : A sense-weaving journey to Toronto through the single gaze of the traveller.

My 7 Word Review: Visually rich. Bit chaotic and random. Liked.

Hat – Adam Perry : A farmer goes to his barn for some entertainment. Music video for Racoon Bandit’s song “Hat”.

My 7 Word Review: Like everything about this: idea, song, execution.

Trans-Anne – Jason Rogerson : Anne and Diana tear down the highway in a ’75 Trans-Am in this Thelma and Louise inspired re-telling of the LM Montgomery classic.

My 7 Word Review: Some funny bits, but too unwieldy, story-wise. (disclosure: I play the title character)

IMAF Gala: Ten of PEI’s Best Shorts

Lucky 7 – Jason Rogerson : A comedy that follows the insanity that ensues after an office lotto pool hits the jackpot. Lucky 7 was the winner of the first PEI CBC 321 Award in 2010.

My 7 Word Review: Good performances, but story ends three-quarters through. (disclosure: I act in this)

Rituals of December – Jeremy Larter : A moment of poetry with poet John MacKenzie.

My 7 Word Review: Liked performance, but video uninspired. Hide paper.

Reforestation – Laura Stewart : A man, fed up with everyday life ventures into the forest to find something new.

My 7 Word Review: Me likey. More like this please. Kudos.

The Invasion of the Horrible Alien Brain Monsters from Outer Space in 3D – Fox Henderson : A hommage to the films of Ed Wood. The Brain Queen comes to earth to find a place to breed her horrible alien brain monsters. It is up to Dr. Jack Hammer to stop her.

My 7 Word Review: Half liked, half disliked. Not funny enough.

None 2 Some – Dennis Trainor : A brother and sister duo loose their mother and come up with a unique way to try to find her.

My 7 Word Review: Liked its low-budgetness. Strong characters, well performed.

The Islanders – Brian Pollard : This documentary is a nostalgic look at life on PEI in the 19th and early 20th centuries – a time when inhabitants referred to the Island at their “country” despite its diminutive size.

My 7 Word Review: Too many pictures. Wanted to see interviewees..

Anna di Timpiani Verde – Rob MacDonald : What if Anne of Green Gables was a 1970′s Italian Art Film? That’s the premise behind Anna di Timpani Verde, a reimagining of the iconic characters from the novel.

My 7 Word Review: I have a large fondness for this. (disclosure: I wrote and directed this)

Harbour Town – Adam Perry : One episode of the ten part series produced by ‘this town is small’ featuring PEI musicians in locations of significance around Charlottetown.

My 7 Word Review: Starkness works. Well executed. Hide that cord?

Automocar – Gavin Keen : The Danks take a trip to the carnival.

My 7 Word Review: Good looking music video. Enjoyed watching this.

The Bath – JoDee Samuelson : The story of a elderly woman, as she finds reprieve from daily life in the simple act of taking of a bath.

(picture isn't linking)

My 7 Word Review: Haven't tired of seeing this yet. Great!

Vast – Harmony Wagner : A young boy wakes up to discover he is the last person on Earth and he has to find out why.

My 7 Word Review: Liked it, but found it too antiseptic. (also, and more than 7 words, I was bugged that the description of the video turned out to be a lie. SPOILER: boy isn't the last person on Earth and it's not really about him having to find out why. A minor thing, but it bugged me.)

Dear Hollywood: Ghost Car

2010-12-30T16:30:43-04:00

Have we got a show for you!! This is a TV show. A series. It's called Ghost Car. I know, awesome, eh?!?

Ghost Car.

I can't believe it hasn't been used yet. Dave S and I came up with it on one of our semi-regular luncheons. Yes, from the people that brought you Uncle Penelope Jones and Starr Gaudet bring you Ghost Car!!

Here's the premise - still a work-in-progress, so lots of room for additions, suggestions, etc. (the premise from my POV as I remember it. Dave S might have another vision): A 70's or 80's style TV procedural - think "Rockford Files meets Streets of San Fransisco meets Miami Vice - and every city in between!". Two guys help solve the Crime/Story of the Week. Private detectives, beloved AND behated by various members of the police department. One is a Man's Man - (maybe a former cop?) older, been around the block a few times, stuck in his ways, brusk, bristly, hardened exterior, softy inside (when he lets it slip). The other is the young hotshot. Sarcastic, headstrong, full of himself, sophmoric. These two guys butt heads as often as not, but it's obvious they have a respect and fondness for each other.

Thing is: They Are DEAD! Yep. Ghosts. Both died in a tragic automobile accident while they were about to solve The Big Crime Back In The Day. (Backstory, told in flashback in pilot and/or opening credits)

Only thing is, when they died, they had unfinished business to take care of, so now they are forced to remain on Earth as ghosts - Spectral Dicks, if you will, until the unfinished business gets resolved. Unfinished business deals with the local crime syndicate - the same people that caused them to die - and can be spread out over the course of the series, as an ongoing storyline, along with the weekly one-off stories. (Spectral Dicks can be the name of the show if it gets picked up by a cable company like FX or something)

Each episode, they tool around the city in their ghost car (literally, a ghost car), a sweet American muscle-machine ride, and discover untoward events happening in nefarious locales. They forward this information, through ghostly means, to an up-and-coming police officer. (Maybe her aunt is a crazy psychic?) Did we mention, the police officer is a SHE, and she is sexy-tough-sweet. She's the only one who can see them, I don't know...??? We can figure that stuff out later, Hollywood. Anyway, each episode, SHE solves the case with the help/interference of Ghost Car. Yes, interference as much as help. See, it's not easy to navigate this plane when you're ghosts, so their attempts to help can get pretty "out there" and oftentimes as not, backfire on them.

What's important is this: We have a seriously awesome name for a TV show. We've got a hot young female lead. We've got a hot young actor in another lead. We've got a respected older actor in a third lead role. And we've got the hilarious young ethnic comic in a secondary role (forgot to mention this, because it just came to me, but SHE is not the only one who sees the Spectral Dicks - they're also seen by the homeless guy who says funny stuff and nobody ever believes him when he says he sees the ghost cops. He, therefore, refers to them as The Snuffleupafuzz). We've got some seriously cool wheels for them to drive around in and perform wicked stunts.

You can set it in the 70's if you want, 80's, today, I don't care.

Ghost Car - it's a Guaranteed Hit!!

3 Awesome Things In This Photo

2010-12-30T14:31:39-04:00

Can you find any awesome things in this photo:

Here are my three awesome things found in this photo:

1. The dude is defying gravity. Gravity defiance is special enough, but for a dude this size... <applause>

2. Dude is channeling the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield. Seriously, look at his face. Plus the "no respect" tie.

3. Quick access to his junk, terrific for drive-by urinalizing. Did that rip just happen during this event, or has it been there for some time? Question needs answering.

4. (bonus) The stellar powerpoint, or whatever it is, on the projection on the wall. Any ideas on what it's about?

If you can't add any more awesome things about this photo (like the dude's insane Don Johnson hair), perhaps you could write a short introductory play-let as to how these guys got to this moment that is frozen eternally.

Something like:

Skinny Dude: Dude, this powerpoint or whatever it is is lame squared. Let's up the party!

Heavy Dude (running and jumping): Karate chop kick!!

Skinny Dude: Dude, you're defying gravity!

Dear Hollywood: NBC Mystery Movie Revamp

2010-12-29T16:18:15-04:00

Okay, NBC, here's a free idea for you: Revamp the NBC Mystery Movie series. There you go, NBC. You're welcome.

For those of you NBC Bigwigs who don't know, the NBC Mystery Movie ran in the early-mid 1970s, and was a weekly series of recurring/rotating programs, most notably Columbo starring Peter Falk, McCloud starring Dennis Weaver, and McMillan and Wife starring Rock Hudson and Susan St. James. There were other, lesser, series throughout the run, but these three were the major players.

Obviously, they'd each have to be recast with today's crop of talent. No fear, I'm here to assist you with that, too.

Let's start with Columbo. In the original, Peter Falk played the wily, seemingly absent-minded LAPD detective who always ended up a couple of steps ahead of the Villain-Of-The-Week. I have the perfect actor for you, NBC. He's currently a hot-commodity movie actor, but you might be able to lure him into TV. Not only does he bear a resemblance to Falk (which, admittedly has its pluses and minuses), but he's an actor who seems to have that Falk naturalness and likability. Like I said, he's a perfect candidate. Call his agent right now. He is Mark Ruffalo:

He is, unquestionably, this century's perfect Columbo.

So, Columbo is cast. Let's move on to McCloud.

McCloud was another detective (actually a Marshall) series. It was about a New Mexico Marshall who was transplanted (along with his horse, even) to New York City, and starred Dennis Weaver.

Again, I have a terrific casting choice for you. Although, there may be issues since this actor is already involved in a tv series about a marshal. The FX show Justified. I think Timothy Olyphant would be a fantastic McCloud.

Like Ruffalo, he bears a resemblance to his predecessor. Slap a moustache and cowboy hat on him and let him go. Can you think of a better modern-day McCloud?

Now, onto McMillan and Wife. This was, admittedly, my least favourite of the three NBC Mystery Movie series. But I think there needs to be a rotation of three different series, so I'm going to include it.

It starred Rock Hudson (as a San Fransisco Police Commissioner) and Susan St.James (as his wife). Who to cast, you ask? Honestly, I'm not sure. Nobody is really coming to mind. The only name I came up with is Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld) which is not the right choice, I freely admit. So, Hollywood, I'll leave it to you to come up with new casting for McMillan and Wife.

WHO WOULD YOU CAST IN McMILLAN AND WIFE?

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You

2010-12-28T13:10:31-04:00

Five or six years ago, I wrote and directed this video for Sketch22's Christmas Show.

It's one of my favourite videos that we did.

When I was writing it, the *surprise* ending came as a surprise to me. At first, it was just going to be about an old couple and their grandson, out driving around looking at the Christmas lights during the day because the old guy wasn't allowed to drive at night anymore. A funny, sad kind of situation. But when I was trying to find a way to end it, the ending I came up with hit me all of a sudden, and it seemed so very good. It takes the funny/sad idea and cranks it beyond a whole other level.

Anyway, now that I had this awesome sadly funny ending, I knew it'd need some music to really amp up the sadness. I wanted something "oldy" sounding, something rather melancholic. I also wanted something old so as not to have to worry about copyright etc (although, I'm not sure the recordings I ended up with are actually public domain). So I started scouring through the internet, basically searching for something - a title or anything - that grabbed me. I searched for hours through the Internet Archives without any success. Literally hours scanning through pages of search results, not even sure what I was looking for. The Internet Archives led me to a few other archives, and a couple more hours of searching led me to a song entitled "When You're Gone I Won't Forget You". That title sounded exactly like the sentiment I wanted to convey. When I clicked on the Play button and listened to it, I couldn't believe how lucky I was. It seemed too good to be true. It was exactly the song I wanted/needed. It was perfect.

It was hissy and crackly, with a definite old-time sound. Sounded kind of like it was being played a bit too slow, too, which just added to its awesomeness. I fell in love with the song.

So, we shot it - Dennis and me and Jason performing, and Graham and I edited it. And the music fit so perfectly. Ryan Townsend, who was cameraman, came up with the idea of having the camera tilt a bit near the end, as an indication that things maybe were a bit off kilter, and I think that was a super idea, so thanks Ryan for that.

All of which brings me to the reason for this post: I absolutely love the song at the end of the video. But I had lost the recording of the song I downloaded, and for the life of me, couldn't find it again. Didn't know the name of the song, didn't know who wrote it, who recorded it. Only knew it was recorded sometime around 1920. Over the past few years, I'd try to find it, without luck. Couldn't quite retrace my steps, and had all but given up. (I had been searching for both songs in the video. There's also a Christmas song playing in the background of the "looking at lights" montage, but that song, while fitting the video wonderfully, didn't really grab me as much).

Then this Christmas, miracle of miracles! Cameron asked me if we had that song, and I said no. But his question inspired me to do another search. Not sure why it was a different outcome, but after about an hour of searching, I found it. Well, I found a different version of it. This time when I did a search for "When You're Gone", I got different results, which led me to the different version of the song. But that discovery gave me the names of the composers, and that led me, ultimately, to the version I used in the video.

The first version I found (which led me to the 2nd "correct" version) was recorded by The Peerless Quartet in 1921. It's not as good a version, I don't think. At least, not for my purposes.

The 2nd version, the one I used, was from an old cylinder and was released in 1920. The singers were Louise Terrel and George Wilton Ballard. Apparently, it was take 2.

So, anyway, here are the songs, if anyone wants them. Both of them, if you're interested for comparison sake.

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You (video version)

When You're Gone (alternate version)

2010-10-14T15:38:10-03:00

Sketch22 - Season Five La Tragedia del Castrato Draft: May 17, 2008

Lights up

A dressing room, such as in any theater anywhere.

Il Castrato sits at the dressing table. He addresses the audience.

Castrato:
Alas, my friends, attend this tale of woe.
For I, gelded on fame's throne lately sat
For tunes warbl'd, am falsetto castrat.
Cel'brated by all, like angel's rejoice
Melodies sung on high in pure of voice.
A pre-pubescent stunt, doctor performed:
My testicles chopp'd when not yet tenor
Left me permanently baritone deaf!
Now, my talents unequall'd, fame unmatch'd
Where 'ere I arrive, E! News is dispatch'd.
Fame, wealth, power. Invites to parties all.

Would give't all up just once to rub my balls.

A FEMALE FAN (obviously a man dressed as a woman, a'la Shakespeare's era) enters:

Female Fan:
Castrato! Tonight's performance was grand!!
That voice! That song! A marvel of God's hand!
Forgive my bold, but your fanatic I.
To sleep with you, perchance? Oh, I would die!

Castrato:
(aside) Her face, fair enough. Her frame most sublime.
What's this? My loins seem stirring their first time?
Could this wond'rous wench so eager for cock
Be the one who my belt of chaste unlocks?
There! Once and again! A rousing below!!
My dick comes alive for this fanatical ho!
(to fan) Fan, if by "sleep" with me, you mean to screw
Then bend over, slut, we'll menage a deux.

Castrato bends her over a chair,

Female Fan:
Sir! To take me this way is an affront!

Castrato:
You'll cry affront when I take you a-back!!

He moves behind her, pulls up her dress and begins pumping. After a moment:

Female Fan:
Your thrust's too soft to penetrate my slick.
Would speaking sexy words make firm your dick?

Castrato:
Yes! Yes! Speak wicked words to get me hard!

Female Fan:
Me so horny! Me love you long, long time!

Castrato:
Again! Dirty up thy tongue and spew forth!

Female Fan:
You moisten my pool like the morning dew!

More pumping, then he stops abruptly.

Castrato:
Alack!! Your teases are but wasted coin.
Sex seems a club my member cannot join.
For to climb inside your womanly quim
I'd need a sac in which my sperm could swim.

Female Fan:
Sperm spurn'd?!? Me?!? You ball-less fop! Prancy niece!!
I've told all my friends I'd collect your cock!
Instead I'll tell them the castrato balk'd!!

Female Fan exits. Castrato flops to the floor.

Castrato:
Oh woe is me!! Doom'd to eternal soft!!
Is it too much to ask to let me hard?
To just once grow seed in my scrotal yard!

A JANITOR enters, sweeping up the dressing room. He is wearing shorts. A long and hairy scrotum hangs out one leg.

Janitor:
Pardon, my grace.

Castrato:
Sweep up fast, Janitor!

Castrato resumes his moping. Janitor sweeps right past his face, making the balls impossible not to notice. After a moment of staring at the Janitor's huge sac:

Castrato:
What ho! What part dangles betwixt thy legs?
Envious scrotum!! Oh bountiful grapes!
Were I to wield such a pair of round shapes
My sad sac mood would be forever bagg'd!
(to Janitor) Good sir! How attach'd art thou to thy balls?

Janitor:
I fail to understand your intent sir.
I am surely attach'd in every way.

Castrato:
My intent is this: a bag-swap proposed.
Your ball-bag in exchange for my coin purse.

Castrato tosses a bag of money at Janitor. Janitor checks its weight.

Janitor:
Such a grand sum just to lighten my load?
Let's do it quick, before my nerves erode.

Castrato:
Fast, then! Up the table for de-balling.

Janitor climbs on table, lies on his back. Castrato holds up the sac and moves the scissors into place.

Castrato:
Oh bright and thrilling anticipation!!
To think that after a quick castration
This wondrous pair will be sewn with pleasure
Betwixt my pegs to fondle at leisure!!

Janitor:
Wait! Might I play them one last time? Then snip?

Castrato:
Rub away, good sweep! But do not tarry.

Janitor gets off table, walks around massaging his balls.

Janitor (aside):
Such delight! Happiness below my waste!
Perhaps my choice was made with too much haste?
Yes, it would be nice to have coin in bank
But what is life worth if one cannot wank?

Castrato:
Enough, Janitor. Let's untie this sac!

Janitor:
Yeah, about that... I'm having change of heart.
With these glorious balls I cannot part!

Castrato:
A deal struck! Contract signed! These balls are mine!

Castrato grabs the janitor's balls and leads him around the room.

Janitor:
Unhand my sac! Undo your grip at once!

Castrato picks up the scissors, holds them menacingly, still with balls in hand, janitor in tow.

Castrato:
The choice is yours, sir! Your balls or your life?

Janitor:
My life and my balls are both in your hands.
You'll clip one or t'other as you demand.
I'm resolute in thought. No choice to make.
My life, yours. To Heaven my balls I take.

Janitor grabs the scissors and stabs himself with them, and stumbles around. Grabs onto Castrato and then dies. Castrato falls to his knees. Holds up the dead Janitor's balls.

Castrato:
What foolish notions mortal men behold.
For some to crave things like silver and gold.
Whilst others' desires lean more towards fame
There's those think conquest the name of the game.
Yet all their wishes seem scholarly fair
Compared to my wont for pleasure down there.
Two balls in hand, though none below my bush
It's with shame as off to Heaven I push.

Castrato grabs up the scissors, stabs himself and then dies.

Charlottetown's Best Car Wash

2010-08-21T20:56:56-03:00

Get your car washed at the Tip Top Car Wash!!!

I was never really much of a car washer. For a while I tried to do the weekend-get-out-and-wash-the-car-in-the-driveway thing, but never liked it.

Over the past number of years, whenever the car would need a cleaning, I'd take it to one of the automatic car washes around town. Parkdale Irving used to have a good wash. Lately it's been the car wash bays on North River Road. These, of course, were strictly exterior car washings. Yes, I could, I suppose, use the vaccuums, but that seemed like too much work. Just like washing the car myself.

But now. Now I've found my new car wash place. Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive (off Brackley Point Road, just before the airport). It's run by a couple who moved here a couple of years ago, from Montreal. They came here to retire, and then found themselves opening this car wash about five weeks ago.

You drive your car into the bay, and a crew of five workers get to it. They clean the interior (not sure if it's more than just a wipe to remove the dust) and vaccuum the interior, vaccuum the trunk if you want (I didn't get my trunk vaccuumed today as there was too much junk in it). Then they wash the exterior. Then they beat the exterior with chamois cloths until it's nice a spotless dry.

All the while, I chatted with the wife, who sits behind the desk. A very nice lady. Her husband, meanwhile, oversees the guys who clean the car. He seems like he's very diligent about making sure they don't slag off. He appears to be the kind of person who expects good results from good work.

About 15 minutes later, I had a very clean car, inside and out. The cost for a car is $15 plus tax, so just over 17 dollars. I gave them a 20 dollar bill and said keep the change. I'd gladly have tipped more if I had it in my pocket.

It's a great place. If you want a good cleaning of your car, you could do worse than visit the Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive.

Oh, and every visit you can fill out a ballot for a weekly $25 gas card.