This weekend, I flew to Asheville to teach Self Coaching 101 at Christine Kane's Wide Awake Weekend.  I typically do not agree to fly across the country and teach at someone else's workshop, but there was something about her request that made my soul say, "I would love too!"

I just got back home after my 9 hours of travel, and I can't stop thinking about how much I am changed by meeting and sharing space with this amazing woman and her clients. From the moment I met her (five minutes before we started co-teaching our day-long workshop), I knew she was a special being who had much to teach me.

Not just from what she said, but by the combination of wonderfulness that makes up who she is:

She is drop-dead gorgeous. 

If you look at her beautiful picture on her site and add a glow of additional beauty, you will have a sense of her beautifulness.

She is completely humble and overly generous.

She insisted we share the stage at her seminar for the entire day, and she insisted on introducing me in a way that made me want to applaud the woman she was speaking of.

She loves her clients and wants to serve them unconditionally.

She didn't care if I helped them or she helped them.  She didn't care who took the credit or what tools we used, she just genuinely wanted her clients to be helped.

She is caring, intuitive and awake.

She remembered her clients names, even when she hadn't seen them in years. She wanted to hug each of them and talk about their lives.   She shows people that they matter to her by the way she listens to each of them.

She is funny and 100% authentic.

She told us all the truth about her life. She questioned me when she didn't agree with something I said. And she has an amazing sense of humor and a fantastic laugh.

So what did she teach me by being so fabulous?

She taught me that there is nothing more impressive than someone who has so much going for her being  gracious and supportive of another woman (me).

At the end of the seminar, she stood on the stage in front of all the participants and looked into my eyes and told me she thought I was brilliant.  She meant it. She held a space for it.  I believed her when she said it.  

Then she asked everyone to"give me a hand," and they did.

They gave me a standing ovation.

What I noticed, is that in that moment, no one was diminished.  Her telling me I was brilliant, took nothing away from hers.  In fact, it demonstrated it.  I felt we were both expanded by the experience.

What I learned from Christine Kane is that by acknowledging and appreciating someone else-we are being who we are meant to be at the very deepest level.

Thank you, Christine. Thank you.

My weight loss clients want to lose weight yesterday.

This is right in the middle of seemingly uncontrollable eating and weight gain.

They want to pay me for the u-turn.  When, after one week, they haven't lost ten pounds, they sometimes get frustrated and quit. 

It's such a shame when this happens.  When we don't allow ourselves the time we need to change, we may end up quitting the very thing that could facilitate result we ultimately desire.

So, I tell my in-a-hurry clients to allow themselves the space to stop gaining.  I tell them they need to learn how to maintain their current weight, so when they lose it, they can maintain their natural weight.

Sometimes this pause is one week.

Sometimes it's six weeks.

For some it might even be six months.

But when you do it right, then your done.  Done with out of control fog eating. Done with gaining thirty pounds without noticing.  Done with the beat-downs.  Done with the self doubt and panic.

Then, the weight comes off.  Patiently.  Without drama.  Without fanfare.  It quietly releases as our thoughts, feelings and actions change.

Then it stays off.

Losing weight when you are still fogging out is like paying off credit cards while you are still shopping out of control.  It is self-defeating. Exhausting.

Stop gaining.

Then lose it.

Forever.

Many of my Self Coaching clients come to me and want to "find themselves."  As if they are somewhere else than where they are in this moment.  I try to help them see that they are here.  They are found. This is it, folks, front and center. Some of us pretend to be lost, because we aren't living in truth.  Anne suggests that the way we discover ourselves, and find the happiness that already resides within, is to: "gently stop being who we aren't."

Genius.

Notice her use of the word, "gently."

We are not beating ourselves into submission, we are gently letting go of anything non-authentic. We do it through peace, not war.  Kindness is the path inward to ourselves.

Next, she reminds us that, " You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't."

It is like what I tell my clients:  If you live and tell your truth, the people who are meant to be in your life will be there.  If you try something and it doesn't resonate with you, change course and do something drastically different with no regard to "what other people might think."

I have made more mistakes than most of the people I know.  Big, expensive, painful mistakes.  But now I know.  I know that was the wrong direction and I have corrected. I have come back to myself.

I have stopped being who I am not.

But I had to try out who I am not, to discover just exactly who I am.

No regrets.

Just kindness.  Gently becoming more me with each and every disastrous mistake.

of something you don't really want.

I first heard this from one of my favorite authors, Geneen Roth.  She was talking about binge eating and describing why we keep eating huge amounts of food beyond fullness and sometimes even beyond feeling sick.  She explained: We are trying to get something we desperately want, from something that can't give it to us.

In all my years of working on myself and with my clients in my practice, I have found this to be a common, unevaluated pattern. We are never going to get love from an oreo, commitment from a uninterested man, or true fulfillment from being a workaholic.  Many of us desperately try harder and harder-but it is never enough.

Think about any overindulgence in your life.

What are you really wanting?

I wish I would have been twenty pounds thinner.

I wish I would have looked better in a bikini.

I wish I would have gotten some botox for these wrinkles.

I wish I drove a better car.

If only my house had been bigger.

I should have worn better jeans and carried a better purse.

I wish my hair would have been thicker.

I wish I would have spent less time with my kids.

I should have complained to my husband more.

I should have spent less time cuddling with my dog.

I should have made my boss happier.

I should have worked more weekends.

I should have cleaned out the garage.

I should have bought more stuff.

.

I wish I would have taken better care of myself, my health and my body.

I don't want to leave.

I love you.

I want more time.

Just sit with me.

I want to BE here with you.

I love you.

I love you.

 I love you.

Why wait?

What are you saying today?

I have two sons, Christian and Connor.

Connor is my youngest at eight years-old.  He is so naturally talented at most things, that my husband and I spend a lot of time looking at each other wondering where he came from.  He was reading the TV at two, memorizing his time tables at six, and winning his soccer games almost single handedly by seven.  He doesn't really have to study or practice, he just shows up and shines.

Christian, on the other hand, works his butt off to get the same results.  He has to study and read and re-study and practice to get the results he wants.  He puts hours into practicing soccer to get the same results as his brother gets with very little practice.  He has to read for two hours to get through the same amount of pages his brother reads in thirty minutes.  He puts out so much effort for the exact same reward.

It is frustrating for him.

All I can do is agree with him.  It might be difficult having Connor as a brother when you are only one year apart and very competitive.

But here is what I have noticed....

Christian knows how to work.  That boy can work hard.  He has a work ethic that will carry him very far in this life.  He is determined to be the best he can be and he is willing to put in the time and effort to make sure that happens.

I try to explain to him what  a gift this is.  I try to teach him that working hard and accomplishing things on your own sweat is what creates the best feeling in the world: pride.  He gets to own his accomplishments from a deeper place because he worked so hard for them.  He is developing his "overcome" muscles.  He is learning to manage his emotions and not let them manage him.  He is building the tools to put in a tool belt that will serve him as a man.

Connor has a much harder time when faced with an obstacle.  He is so used to being the best with so little effort, that when he isn't "winning" he has a complete fit.  He doesn't see that as a cue to work harder, he sees it as a cue that something has gone wrong.  He is much more apt to quit.  He is much more prone to acting out his emotions in self-destructive ways.

I try to teach Connor the tools I know so he can overcome his life's obstacles.  I coach him.  I explain to him that if he can take his natural talent and combine it with a work ethic, there will be very little he can't do in this life.  It is much harder for him to understand.  His experience and belief system supports things coming easy.

As I watch my boys, who are so very different, I am fascinated.  I know adults who have similiar struggles. I have clients who share similiar beliefs.  As I think about this, I am determined to find a way to teach both of my kids the value of hard work.  Working hard for yourself and something you believe in is powerful stuff. It feels amazing.  It develops your character.

I am not talking about struggle. I am not talking about the kind of work that spins you in circles and feels defeating. I am talking about not feeling sorry for yourself when it doesn't come easily.  I talking about being grateful when you accomplish something that took a bit more effort than the next person to accomplish.

The truth is...you don't know what went into anyone's accomplishment.

The other day, someone told Christian he was the best nine-year-old goalie they had ever seen.  They said, "It must be wonderful to have so much talent at such a young age."

Little did they know.  Christian made his talent.  He created it with hours of practice and very hard work.

When is the last time you looked at someone with "talent" or "success" and thought how nice it must be for them to have so much?

Did you chalk it up to luck or genetics or brains?

Might have just been some old fashioned hard work.

Hard work feels good.

If you aren't already, you should try it.

At a recent extended family party,  one of my relatives asked me when I was going to "settle down."

"Hopefully never," I replied.

He was referring, of course, to how often our family moves.  We have lived in six houses in twelve years.  Most of my friends email me Christmas cards because they are unsure of where exactly I reside.

I notice it makes some people very uncomfortable that we move so often.  It feels to them as if something is "wrong"  if we can't just settle down in one house and stay there.

The rebel that I am thinks this is funny. I like to watch others squirm about my life.  My amazing, abundant, beautiful life.  It makes them nervous because it isn't like theirs.  It isn't traditional in the pick-a-damn-house-and-live-in-it-for-more-than-three-years, way they are used to.

But now I am off point.

The thing that made me think was the way he used the words "settle down."

It reminds me of what I was told repeatedly as a child.

"Brooke, settle down."

I cringe as I say it out loud in my own head.

I didn't want to settle down in the way my teachers and parents wanted me to.

I wanted to be big and loud and energetic and MOVING.

Wow. Not much has changed.

Except for, of course, my address.

I didn't/don't want to settle.

I want my life to be outrageous-not normal.

I know many of you have taken the advice of well-meaning people and settled when you really didn't want to.  For some of you, it is your significant other you settled for. For others, it is your job.  And maybe even some of you are living in a house or city or school district that you have settled for. (The horror!)

I just want you to know that you don't have to.

I am giving you permission right now to never settle for anything you don't want.

You have permission to change your mind (or your house, your job or man) as many times as you want to find the best life you can live.

It may not look like your parents who were together in the same house for 50 years before they retired from their lifetime jobs.

Or it might.

But it is up to you whether you settle down or not.

It's up to you.

This question rocks.

Answer it.

As a coach, I love questions. I know that the better the questions we ask ourselves the better thoughts we think.  About six months ago I started asking myself, "What is perfect about this?"  This question, asked repeatedly, has changed my whole life.  It helps me look at problems with potential and therefore find amazing and unexpected solutions.  I have taught this question and asked this question to each person I work with in my practice.

And now. I have a new favorite question.

Who am I becoming?

I love the possibility of it. I love the promise of it. I love the future-focus of it.

It infers growth and movement and realized potential.

Write this question at the top of a blank page and then answer it.

I did.  Here is s sampling:

I am becoming more of who I am and who I am meant to be.

I am becoming a better and more outrageous mother.

A fairly good water skier.

An incredible abundance attractor.

A more available and considerate friend.

Much more social.

A yogi.

Unapologetic for who I really am.

An amazing and understanding wife.

More free and accepting.

A "guided" coach capable of genuinely helping others in even just one hour.

An amazing athlete.

A more loving, doting daughter.

A contributor.

What are you becoming?

I'd rather earn 100 million than win it any day.

Originally posted August 07