Not too long ago I had a one day seminar with my coach trainees.  These are the women who have studied all my materials and tools on top of already being certified through another organization.

You know what we spent most of that day working on?

Goal-Setting.

It is so interesting how many of us full time coaches forget to do the basic techniques that are tried and true.  It seems the more we get into thought work and being present, the less we want to focus our on futures and creating our lives.

I asked each of the coaches to set a financial goal for the coming year.  I asked them each to pick a dollar amount they wanted to generate (knowing that this will get resistance). Sure enough, I got push back from some of them.  In general, they said, "What if you don't want anything more?  What if I am perfectly happy with the amount of money I have right now?  Why should I have to write a goal of getting more?"

Interesting.

Many of us are conditioned to want from a place of lack.  We write goals and lists of things we want- feeling badly as we write them.  Some of us believe that if we want more that we are somehow not appreciating what we have right now.

I couldn't disagree more.

I believe the only way to want (and write goals) is from a place of abundance.  I encourage my clients to write lists of things they want. On this list, they should include the things they want and already have.  For example: I want an awesome relationship with my husband.  I already have this and I want it.  I want it from a place of abundance and the wanting feels good.

Wanting is an amazing, inspiring, enlivening force when we want from a place of abundance.  It can be exciting and energizing to think about what we want for our lives.  It opens us up to our own growth and creativity to set big goals and cultivate the new thinking required to achieve them.

But (you may be asking) when is enough enough?

Right now.

I have enough in this moment and I love wanting more from a place of enough.  Wanting is only exhausting when we believe we can't have what we want or that if we don't have it- we can't be happy.

Wanting is what keeps life moving. Wanting what is and wanting what will be...

I have and want more joy.

I have and want more love.

I have and want more Chris, money, yoga, clients, family time.

I have and want this life.

And from abundance I will have it.

And want even more....

I love Christmas Eve.

I think the anticipation of Christmas morning is as good as the actual day.  My kids are buzzing with giggles and claps and peeks under the tree.  I am in Lake Tahoe where the ground is white and the trees are green and the lake is gorgeous as a background to our Christmas tree.

Today I will make clam chowder and do a puzzle with my husband and dad.  (I think we are the only family who has turned puzzle building into a competitive sport.)  This is the last time I will open my computer today-it was worth it only to connect with you.

I wanted to give you all a digital gift.  I asked Christine Kane if I could give you one of her songs as a listening treat.  She generously agreed.

The first time I heard this song, I high-fived my stereo.

It is so fabulous and so funny.  Enjoy!  And Merry Christmas Eve. 

Click link to listen.

 (No Such Thing As) Girls Like That

You can get the song at iTunes to download by clicking here...

This is the first line in a Mary Oliver poem.

This one line is so relieving, freeing, energizing.

When I heard this line read aloud, I almost fell over.

I don't?

Really? 

Are you sure?

Who says?

I noticed how just this one thought made me feel and act. 

If I don't have to be good, I am going to do it.

I am not going to begrudge myself when I am not good.

I am not going to quit, just because I am not any good at it.

What does it mean for us if we don't have to be good?  We have all been told and conditioned to believe we need to behave like good girls, do good homework, be good at work, be good at relationships, be good citizens. 

So many of us cannot embrace the part of us that isn't good.  The part of us that can't spell or eat -2 to 2 or have grace socially. (or the part that writes a fragment instead of a sentence)  But maybe that's the point.  Maybe the point isn't just to embrace  the part of us that is amazing, but also the part of us that just isn't any good.

I could like, or maybe even love, myself when I am not a good girl?

I don't have to be good?

Thanks for letting me know.

That changes everything.

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. Even if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other side of the continent, we find the very same problem awaiting us when we arrive."

-Pema Chodron

Emotional overeating (what I call fog eating) is one of the best teachers I have ever had.  The process (eating lots of food when I wasn't hungry) and the results (being overweight) lead me into myself.  I don't know if I would have ever found the life I am currently living and the person I currently am without this education.

Make no mistake, I didn't see it this way when I was knee-deep into it.  I used to curse the fact that I was overweight and obsessed with food.  I used to think it meant something was wrong with me.  Why could my best friend, Erika, eat half her frozen yogurt and then throw it away?  Why did I have to inhale it and wish I had more?  I felt weak and inadequate. 

Overeating was painful.  It wouldn't go away.  I would starve myself and lose weight for a short period of time, but my relentless teacher would come back and ask me to do the work again and again.  It was much like a professor who requires a paper be rewritten until they are sure you have learned the material.  I tried all the tricks to get it done.  I went on new diets. I tried to embrace being overweight. I tried working out three times a day.  But these attempts were never acceptable to my teacher.  I had not learned what I needed to learn- and so the problem remained.

It wasn't until I did the freeing work of asking myself, "Why?" that I begun to learn what I needed to know.  Once I moved past the behavior and results (which were just symptoms of my thinking) and focused on the cause, I began to learn about the person I really am.  I learned to listen and trust my body. I learned to pay attention to myself and find out what really mattered to my soul.  I uncovered and removed programming I had received as a child that was not helpful or even true for me anymore.  I found out what I needed to know.

And the teacher went away.

I no longer have an issue with overeating and hating my body.  I no longer obsess about food or the size of my jeans.  I now know why I used to.  I know now, on a much deeper level, who I am and what I want.

I am so thankful for the relentless teacher of overeating. 

For you, it may be something different that keeps coming up again and again in your life.  Maybe, like me, you tell yourself that you are weak because you can't overcome this issue.  But what if you are wrong?  What if this "issue" with money or men or yelling or drinking is only a guide, a teacher trying to get your attention?  What if it is here on purpose to teach you what you need to know to live an even bigger life?

Maybe someday you with thank the current problem you curse.

Maybe it will end up being the best teacher you've ever had.

I am currently reading Katrina Kenison's book, "The Gift of an Ordinary Day."  I am really enjoying her insights about parenting and spending time with her family.  She reminds me to slow down and pay attention to the moments that will all to soon be memories:

My son opening the curtains in our hotel room and whispering, "Thank you, world,"  when he sees the view we have of Disneyland is precious.  But, just as precious, is the drive to soccer practice where he confides to me that had fun playing at recess. 

The other day, while the four of us watched Survivor as a family, I found myself staring at my younger son's face.  I can't believe how beautiful he is.  I can't believe he came from my body.  I am overwhelmed, in this ordinary moment, with the magnificence of my baby boy's face.

And there is so much more.....

My son reaching to hold my hand as we walk into the grocery store.

My husband's beautiful blue eyes when he opens them first thing in the morning.

The fist-pump between the soccer coach and Christian after a good practice.

The parent teacher conference where she tells us how much she enjoys Connor.

My brother's face after driving two hours to watch Christian play.

The sound of wrestling between dad and son from an upstairs room.

My mother, throwing her head back to laugh after a funny comment I make.

Christian holding the door open for me.

As I write, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all the gifts I have this holiday season.  I realize that I have so many opportunities to create a wealth of memories and connections without ever stepping into a store or placing one order on line.

You are creating your own life right now with the thoughts you think and things you do.  You may be creating so much more than you realize, just by being who you are.  So take a moment over the next few months and create moments of love and joy by noticing what is already there.  An ordinary day, paid attention to, just might be magnificent.

This weekend, I flew to Asheville to teach Self Coaching 101 at Christine Kane's Wide Awake Weekend.  I typically do not agree to fly across the country and teach at someone else's workshop, but there was something about her request that made my soul say, "I would love too!"

I just got back home after my 9 hours of travel, and I can't stop thinking about how much I am changed by meeting and sharing space with this amazing woman and her clients. From the moment I met her (five minutes before we started co-teaching our day-long workshop), I knew she was a special being who had much to teach me.

Not just from what she said, but by the combination of wonderfulness that makes up who she is:

She is drop-dead gorgeous. 

If you look at her beautiful picture on her site and add a glow of additional beauty, you will have a sense of her beautifulness.

She is completely humble and overly generous.

She insisted we share the stage at her seminar for the entire day, and she insisted on introducing me in a way that made me want to applaud the woman she was speaking of.

She loves her clients and wants to serve them unconditionally.

She didn't care if I helped them or she helped them.  She didn't care who took the credit or what tools we used, she just genuinely wanted her clients to be helped.

She is caring, intuitive and awake.

She remembered her clients names, even when she hadn't seen them in years. She wanted to hug each of them and talk about their lives.   She shows people that they matter to her by the way she listens to each of them.

She is funny and 100% authentic.

She told us all the truth about her life. She questioned me when she didn't agree with something I said. And she has an amazing sense of humor and a fantastic laugh.

So what did she teach me by being so fabulous?

She taught me that there is nothing more impressive than someone who has so much going for her being gracious and supportive of another woman (me).

At the end of the seminar, she stood on the stage in front of all the participants and looked into my eyes and told me she thought I was brilliant.  She meant it. She held a space for it.  I believed her when she said it.  

Then she asked everyone to"give me a hand," and they did.

They gave me a standing ovation.

What I noticed, is that in that moment, no one was diminished.  Her telling me I was brilliant, took nothing away from hers.  In fact, it demonstrated it.  I felt we were both expanded by the experience.

What I learned from Christine Kane is that by acknowledging and appreciating someone else-we are being who we are meant to be at the very deepest level.

Thank you, Christine. Thank you.

My weight loss clients want to lose weight yesterday.

This is right in the middle of seemingly uncontrollable eating and weight gain.

They want to pay me for the u-turn.  When, after one week, they haven't lost ten pounds, they sometimes get frustrated and quit. 

It's such a shame when this happens.  When we don't allow ourselves the time we need to change, we may end up quitting the very thing that could facilitate result we ultimately desire.

So, I tell my in-a-hurry clients to allow themselves the space to stop gaining.  I tell them they need to learn how to maintain their current weight, so when they lose it, they can maintain their natural weight.

Sometimes this pause is one week.

Sometimes it's six weeks.

For some it might even be six months.

But when you do it right, then your done.  Done with out of control fog eating. Done with gaining thirty pounds without noticing.  Done with the beat-downs.  Done with the self doubt and panic.

Then, the weight comes off.  Patiently.  Without drama.  Without fanfare.  It quietly releases as our thoughts, feelings and actions change.

Then it stays off.

Losing weight when you are still fogging out is like paying off credit cards while you are still shopping out of control.  It is self-defeating. Exhausting.

Stop gaining.

Then lose it.

Forever.

Many of my Self Coaching clients come to me and want to "find themselves."  As if they are somewhere else than where they are in this moment.  I try to help them see that they are here.  They are found. This is it, folks, front and center. Some of us pretend to be lost, because we aren't living in truth.  Anne suggests that the way we discover ourselves, and find the happiness that already resides within, is to: "gently stop being who we aren't."

Genius.

Notice her use of the word, "gently."

We are not beating ourselves into submission, we are gently letting go of anything non-authentic. We do it through peace, not war.  Kindness is the path inward to ourselves.

Next, she reminds us that, " You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't."

It is like what I tell my clients:  If you live and tell your truth, the people who are meant to be in your life will be there.  If you try something and it doesn't resonate with you, change course and do something drastically different with no regard to "what other people might think."

I have made more mistakes than most of the people I know.  Big, expensive, painful mistakes.  But now I know.  I know that was the wrong direction and I have corrected. I have come back to myself.

I have stopped being who I am not.

But I had to try out who I am not, to discover just exactly who I am.

No regrets.

Just kindness.  Gently becoming more me with each and every disastrous mistake.

of something you don't really want.

I first heard this from one of my favorite authors, Geneen Roth.  She was talking about binge eating and describing why we keep eating huge amounts of food beyond fullness and sometimes even beyond feeling sick.  She explained: We are trying to get something we desperately want, from something that can't give it to us.

In all my years of working on myself and with my clients in my practice, I have found this to be a common, unevaluated pattern. We are never going to get love from an oreo, commitment from a uninterested man, or true fulfillment from being a workaholic.  Many of us desperately try harder and harder-but it is never enough.

Think about any overindulgence in your life.

What are you really wanting?