Ordinary Life, Extraordinary Living

Danger: Aging Ahead

2009-12-08T20:43:00-07:00

I recently attended an arts performance that was part of a festival celebrating "creative aging." I went because it was in my own backyard (Boulder), at a convenient time (Sunday afternoon) and featured a performing group that I enjoyed (Stories On Stage) at a discounted price ($10).

The aging part didn't phase me until I arrived at the venue, and noticed that I was one of the few without white hair and with little patience for the slow check-in process. I told my sister, who is 60 but looks to be late forties, "I think I arrived here twenty years too soon." Photo by BlackPitShooting.

It's not that I haven't been around old people. My stepfather just turned 95 and my mother is in her mid-eighties. I see them on a regular basis.

One or two in a crowd is fine. Old age being the crowd is another story. I'll be honest. Being in a sea of senior citizens is disconcerting. These are people who no longer pretend to be young-looking by coloring their hair. They look their age. They have wrinkles. They wear hearing aids. My logical mind tried to calm me down. This crowd, on a Sunday afternoon, were sophisticated Boulderites, wearing trendy clothes, and looking healthy in both mind and spirit. These aren't people who lived in a nursing home. For god's sake, these are people who believe in aging well.

Still, I was uncomfortable. I realized that some day, people like the ones surrounding me at the festival, would be my peers. They would be my tribe. Instead of a future, I saw a past. Instead of potential, I saw a live well-lived. Instead of being the main course, I would be a side dish. Relegated to the sidelines, I would no longer be a player, but simply a spectator. Instead of vitality, I saw declining energy and ability. Photo by rileyroxx

What's scary now is realizing how entrenched this story is that I've been telling myself. Some of it is true. In twenty years, I will have more wrinkles, more white hair, and less energy than I have now. But how I live my life and what impact I have in twenty or thirty years is up for grabs. No one determines that but me.

What biases do you have that you weren't fully aware of? And what is the story that you tell yourself?

2009-12-03T11:12:54-07:00

Another fun video from ImprovEverywhere (http://improveverywhere.com): http://tiny.cc/FNSgm . Guaranteed to brighten your day within minutes.

2009-12-02T10:47:30-07:00

MP3 recordings of Networking Naturally Program available through 12/31. Discounted price of $40. www.naturalway2network.com .

December is Meltdown Month

2009-12-01T22:06:10-07:00

Several years ago, I was getting ready to go to my brother's annual Christmas party. It's more than just an intimate gathering and includes friends, family, colleagues, neighbors of my brother and sister-in-law.

Since starting my coaching practice, I had seen attendance not only as an obligation, but also as a networking opportunity. My husband sees it as neither and often stays home, as he decided to do that year. Party clothes on and make-up applied, I got into the car, with my two sons dutifully in the back seat. Photo by roland

And then, I began to cry. In that moment, I felt the enormous pressure I had put on myself to be cheerful, to look perfect, to network for business. Inside, I felt like I hadn't achieved enough for the year. I hadn't reached my financial goals. I was dreading the thought of someone asking me what I did for a living or how my year had been. I felt like a failure. December has a way of doing that. Photo by Muffet.

I turned to my sons and said quietly, "We're not going to the party." At this point, they were older than grade school but not yet into the teen years. They shrugged their shoulders and walked into the house, surprised, but not upset. My husband saw me retreat into the house, and gave me a supportive look, as if to say, "Hey, why do you think I gave up on holiday gatherings years ago?"

December is my preferred meltdown month followed by January as my laying-low-til-I-regain-the-mojo month. I distinctly remember spending one December baking dozens of cookies, not because I liked to bake, but because I was depressed and couldn't muster the energy to do much else. Another December, I alternated between spells of sobbing and quiet hiking and sitting in the dark in my home office. Attempting to make dinner for the family made me feel even more inept. Photo by tiny white lights.

It didn't used to be this way. When I was in the corporate world, December was kickback time. I could count on a few quiet days to clean out my files and clear off my desk and eat Christmas cookies. I still got paid my regular salary.

But since become a solopreneur (and now an entrepreneur), kickback time also means less income, sometimes a lot less. And since it's also the end of the year, it means a settling up, a moment of reckoning. My Gremlin runs rampant, providing an assessment of the past 12 months in stark business terms and making me feel like I wasn't good enough. It's perverse.

This year, I'd like to have a December without the pressure, without the meltdown. I'd like to put front and center the joy of the season, of connecting with friends and family, of slowing down to reflect (without the Gremlin), of giving thanks to all I have. I'd like to remember that I don't have to appear even close to perfect. I can stop working on my business for several weeks and pick up where I left off in January. I'm giving myself permission to just lay in bed all morning or take an afternoon nap, not because I'm depressed, but because I deserve it. Photo by John-Paul.

Whatever I have right now, in this moment, is enough. No more is needed. Really.

Is Your Soul Starved? Look for a Different Kind of Feast

2009-11-28T20:25:11-07:00

Two days after Thanksgiving, and I'm still sated. Not from a big turkey dinner (although I had plenty of turkey, mashed potatoes, yams, ribs, green bean casserole, cranberry relish, and pie at our extended family gathering.)

No, I'm feeling the afterglow of gratitude and peace from spending several hours, the day after Thanksgiving, in a creative writing group. Twenty people showed up, all strangers to me except for the organizer, coming together to write and read aloud, in a living room of encouragement and play.

I had come because life had gotten dry. Starting up a new business, and using my left-brained engineering mind day in and day out, had taken its toll. I arrived, literally parched, having forgotten a water bottle. Still, I was happy to devote the next few hours to listening--to myself and what my soul wanted to write about, and to others and the stories that needed to be heard that day. Photo by _ltwp

The organizer, Tama, is a gifted writer and one whose appeal is the very fact that she is so honest about her own insecurities. She gives us all permission to be "not good," even horribly bad. Tama gets it that our inner selves are fragile. Only in an environment of non-judgment and gracious loving will our authentic voice thrive. Tama is the woman to create that space. She exudes love and understanding and most importantly, camaraderie. She is one of us.

The format looks like this:

You arrive at Tama's modest house, a humble bungalow, where color and style make up for grand entrances and expansive windows.

Find a chair or a pillow to sit on and join the circle in the front room, which serves as a gathering place for whoever shows up. It is what you think of as a writer's house, with interesting things on the wall that have a metaphorical meaning, well-worn hardwood floors, and incense and candles adding to the atmosphere. The furniture is mismatched and comfortable. You don't worry about putting your feet up on the couch.

Introductions consist of saying your first name and one thing about yourself. I immediately think of an AA meeting I went to with a friend. The anonymity of a first name allows for vulnerability and washes away any distinction, privilege or burden that our daily identities convey. There is no passing. Luckily, if what you have to say is "I have nothing to say because at the moment, nothing is coming to me," that's good enough. Photo by Grzegorz Łobiński

As we go around the room, each person adds pieces of their own story to the milieu. By the end, the room is bubbling with a rich stew of individuals from all walks of life (an attorney, a dentist, an emergency medical worker, a massage therapist, a data base administrator) who are there for the same reason--to feed their soul with the food of life. We are there to set free our creative spirit through the medium of writing. And to listen, deeply, to what's inside.

We get our first prompt, which launches us into 15 minutes of uninterrupted writing. Also known as "free writing," this is the technique suggested by Natalie Goldberg in her classic book, Writing Down the Bones. The idea is to keep the pen moving (or the fingers typing) no matter what, even if what you write is "I don't know what to write." Eventually, your self-consciousness and judging mind will give way to what you really want to express. Photo by ~Twon~

For me, all I need is the flash of an image or a word or a memory to start. Then I follow the breadcrumb, from one thought to the next. It is a form of meditation, reflection, and insight converging into one process, enveloped in emotions that are triggered by the topic. Hopefully, I don't stumble upon a topic that leaves me weeping inside and out, among people I've met for the first time. Those topics are reserved for the privacy of my home office, in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep and my unconscious is grieving for something buried deep inside of me, sometimes for decades. Luckily, nothing like that comes up with this first prompt.

After Tama calls for us to finish up our writing, it's time to read what we've scribed, channeled, or painfully crafted. It's time to hear what's been inside of us. The words always amaze me. Was that what I was thinking? Is that how it felt? Did I come away with that insight? Each piece of writing has a distinctive arc and rhythm to it, with the author's own style embellishing the raw word. Some are analytical in their descriptions. Others are casual in tone, as if gossiping with an old friend. Still others have the presence of a serious actor and the voice of a seasoned narrator. Some individuals are shy and quiet, letting their words speak powerfully, doled out like precious gems. All have something to say about the human experience. Photo by Bien Stephenson

These are not all accomplished writers. I find some pieces to be too self-absorbed or skimming the surface. Or the author prefaces the reading with too much of an introduction, as if to say, "Please excuse what you are about to hear." I'm not as generous as Tama. This is what is so striking about Tama. She finds something good about everyone's piece and lets the rest fall away. She loves every effort, no matter what the final package looks like. It is refreshing and inspiring.

We go through a second prompt and a reading of each piece. By now, we are into our third hour in a session that was only meant to last a little over two hours. Only one person excuses himself to leave. We are mesmerized by each others' stories and the collection of emotions and visuals and wisdom that come with each one. Like a good meal, we savor each bite. We end, well-fed, on many levels.

I have written about jumping off sandstone spires and the backyard of my childhood. I have expressed relief and gratitude and wonderment. I have felt the play of words and the flow of writing, when it comes through me, not from me. This, I cannot get from my everyday routine. It is a luscious moment, when your heart is wide open to whatever you know in the present, about your past or future. I have been brought into a trance-like state that moves to the beat of intuition, that trusts more than fears, that does an end run of my utilitarian censor. Photo by snowpeak.

The rest of the day, I am at peace. For the first time in many months, I don't feel compelled to do anything but enjoy myself, to nurture the smallest of desires. I see the gift in stopped traffic on the highway and waiting my turn in line and running into an old colleague at a crowded mall. I'm appreciative of free filtered water and a microwaved burrito and the first two sections of the local paper while I sit and eat. I arrive home seven hours later, not with jangled nerves, but with my innards settled down and surprisingly, with as much energy as when I left. The day has not been flawless, but it has been perfect. In more ways than I can express, I am home.

Twelve Dollars and Lots of Gratitude

2009-11-26T11:50:47-07:00

Today is Thanksgiving, a holiday in the U.S. that brings to mind fussed over meals with too many side dishes that leave one feeling bloated and television commercials showing why it's good to make that trip to your local retailer at 4am the next morning.

Today is also a day to pause and reflect--to give thanks. Sometimes, it takes a shift in perspective to genuinely find that place of appreciation and gratitude, especially in this economy. That came for me, earlier this week, when an email showed up in my inbox, from a friend. Here it is. Photo by xybermattew

"Every once in a while, something happens that helps to keep this life in perspective. As Thanksgiving approaches, I recently had such an experience, and wanted to share it with you.

Today, I pulled into a customer’s parking lot, and sat in my truck with the windows down as I prepared for a meeting and the signing of a contract worth many dollars to our company. A man approached me, and asked if I had a minute. I was on the phone, and told him it would be a few minutes. He then sat on a bench under a large oak tree about fifty feet away. My immediate thought was that he wanted a job, or money.

When I got out of my truck, I turned to him, and he approached, and asked for a minute of my time. I said okay. While showing me his driver’s license and veteran’s ID, he explained that he was a homeless veteran who was expecting to move into some subsidized housing on December 1st. He said that he had been given some vouchers by the Salvation Army for temporary lodging, but that they had run out a few days ago. He asked me for twelve dollars so that he could have a roof over his head for the night.

I looked at him; he looked at me. He could tell that I was perhaps a little bit skeptical of what he was saying. I asked him if the money was for drugs or booze. And he said no. My gut told me that this man was honest, and that he truly needed help.

I opened my wallet, and gave him twelve dollars. That left me with one dollar in my wallet. But I knew that I had done the right thing by helping this man. He gave me a firm handshake, and then he expressed his gratitude. I then went on my way, and he went on his.

I thought about this the rest of the day. Things happen for a reason, and I recalled the times that others had helped me through difficulties. Something told me that I did the right thing to help this fellow. And it somehow seemed appropriate as Thanksgiving approaches that this contact with a stranger on a street corner made me even more grateful for everything that I have in my life. The “return” on the twelve dollars was far greater than I could ever express in words."

Happy Thanksgiving. And may you feel gratitude and appreciation, not just today, but everyday.

2009-11-26T09:09:54-07:00

"Full-time, home-based freelancers and independent contractors in the U.S. are expected to increase by 200K workers by end of 2009. " http://tiny.cc/56Rfj

2009-11-18T11:44:55-07:00

For Dan Pink fans: Free webinar 12/16 with Dan Pink, talking about his newest book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, http://tiny.cc/KG8WO

Why "The Dip" is an Enterpreneur's Best Friend

2009-11-09T12:08:00-07:00

While I've been absent from this blog over the last month, I've been very present to The Dip.

What is The Dip? It's the name of a book by Seth Godin, with the subtitle, "A Little Book That Teaches You When To Quit (and When to Stick.)" I read it for the second time recently, to get my bearings as an entrepreneur. To understand where was I after working like a dog for the last six months (www.naturalway2network.com), and finding myself taking out a business loan for the first time ever, to cover costs.

The Dip told me. I was in a dip and one that is worth getting through. It was not time to quit. Photo by juhansonin

In Godin's words:

"The fact that it's difficult and unpredictable works to your advantage. Because if it were any other way, there'd be no profit in it...The reason we're here is to solve the hard problems...You've acquired the equipment and the education and the reputation...all so you can acquire this Dip, right now. The Dip is the reason you're here."

And here's where my thinking really shifted:

"It's not enough to survive your way through this Dip. You get what you deserve when you embrace the Dip and treat it like the opportunity that it really is."

In other words, if my idea had been an easy one to implement, it would have already been done by someone else. Put your mind to it and the rewards will be there.

Godin also talks about how to determine if you are barking up the wrong tree. When this happens, it's best to recognize the opportunity cost of sticking with a losing effort and get the hell out as quick as you can. A losing effort is one in which you don't have what it takes to become "the best in your world" at what you are doing. This pointed to a disturbing question:

Should I have even started this new business six months ago?

This checklist from The Dip helped me sort that out:

Seven Reasons You Might Fail to Become the Best in the World

You run out of time (and quit).<---check back next year

You run out of money (and quit). <---check back next year

You get scared (and quit). <---what, me worry?

You're not serious about it (and quit). <---you don't know me well, do you?

You lose interest or enthusiasm or settle for being mediocre (and quit). <---loss of interest or enthusiasm for a few days but never, never settling for being mediocre

You focus on the short term instead of the long (and quit when the short term gets too hard<---this can be me, but fortunately, my resiliency keeps me in the game for the long haul

You pick the wrong thing at which to be the best in the world (because you don't have the talent.) <---Honestly, why would anyone bother if they didn't have the talent to begin with?

My thanks to Seth Godin for putting the entrepreneur's journey in such stark terms.

Over the last month, the dip has made me keenly aware of the importance of persistence. One of my business mentors gave me this advice upon hearing that I was in the dip:

Keep at it. Not for one year, but for five years.

Oh, my. Really. I know that's what it takes. I just didn't want to admit it. My mentor later emailed me this quote from Thomas Carlyle, 1795-1881:

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak."

Okay, I'm sticking. Check back with me in 2014 and I'll let you know if I made the right decision.

Cracking the Code of Networking: Givers, Takers, and Protectors

2009-10-08T18:22:40-06:00

I’ve been going to networking events for years, first as a way to build my career and then as a way to build my business. For some, this may sound like hell on earth. I prefer to think of it as a long-term study in human behavior. Think rats in cages. Okay, just kidding.

I’m 48 years old. I’ve met hundreds, if not thousands, of strangers in ballrooms with overactive air conditioning and in restaurants with noise levels approaching take-off at O’Hare. I’ve had engrossing conversations and “ewwww” reactions. I’ve been bored silly eating appetizers in the corner and been the last person to leave because I found myself having so much fun. After all of this, I think I may have found the Rosetta Stone of networking. Photo by gaspartorrierio

Before we go any further, it’s useful to introduce the idea of a “stake,” the core driver for how one behaves in any situation. It’s the thing that one can count on when things go awry or when things are going smoothly. Some people might call this your intention but more often, it’s “unintention.” Most people are unaware of their stake at any moment. For me, my stake is usually to learn. No matter what I’m experiencing in life, if I’m learning, I feel okay. Learning is my homeostasis, my thermostat of life.

Now, dissect any conference hall crowd, formal social gathering, or group of industry seminar attendees. Create an expectation among normal adults that they will be interacting with people they’ve never met for the next thirty minutes. The Petri dish begins to reveal mixed emotions and intentions.

My theory is that you’ll find three types of individuals with three different stakes:

Givers. The stake for a Giver is to provide value to others, no matter what else happens. Givers operate from a sense of abundance. They give without strings attached. Givers are not looking for anything tangible in return other than a genuine expression of thanks. They feel good that they can be of service to others and are otherwise unattached to the outcome from their giving. Photo by Mykl Roventine

Takers. The stake for a Taker is to get something of value from others, no matter what else happens. Takers operate from a tit for tat mindset. They keep count of who is ahead and who is behind, in both giving and receiving, so that they come out ahead. They give with strings attached--to get something in return.

Protectors. The stake for a Protector is to stay safe, no matter what else happens. Protectors are wary of both Takers and Givers, because they can't distinguish between the two. For a Protector, all networking interactions carry the risk of being taken advantage of. Protectors neither give nor take. They remain safe by holding back and keeping their distance. Photo by UNC-CFC-USFK

Which one are you? At different times in my life, I know that I've played all three roles, Giver, Taker, and Protector. There’s no shame in that. What is important is that you consciously choose what role you take on and know the consequences of doing so.

The stage is set. Walking across a hotel carpet, with busy patterns designed to hide the spotty record of past networking encounters, we each assume a position—Giver, Taker, or Protector. What happens when the different pairings interact?

Giver-Giver. Nirvana. This is the ideal situation. Both parties feel like they are appreciated when they give, which engenders even more giving. Unfortunately, this pairing is not what most people experience when they are networking.

Giver-Taker. Tricked, again. This can work for awhile, until the Giver realizes that she is working with a Taker. Takers may even initiate giving first, with the intention that they will get something in return. At some point, Takers give themselves away by operating from an entitlement mindset (as in," I did this for you, so now you owe me.") The impact on the Giver is that this can turn them into a Protector.

Protector-Taker or Protector-Giver or Protector-Protector. The drawbridge is up. I've combined these three pairings because the dynamic is the same. The Protector holds back from any meaningful interaction in order to remain safe.

Taker-Taker. It’s just bizzz-ness. What can I say? This is purely transactional and both parties know and agree to it. They know what the game is. Photo by AndyRob

I discovered several years ago that I enjoy myself more and get better results when I’m a Giver. The time goes by quickly and I’m energized when I go home. I make new connections and in some cases, new friends.

However, as you can see from the pairings above, just because I’m playing the role of a Giver, doesn’t mean that I will meet Givers. It may take me a few tries to find “my tribe” of Givers.

Whether you are a natural Giver, a born-again Giver, or like me, one borne from years of living, here are tips for Givers:

Don't take unpleasant interactions personally. You can't control how others behave but you can control how you respond to their behavior. For all you know, the person in front of you may have caught their spouse cheating last week, gotten laid off, and be taking care of a dying mother. Being a Taker or Protector sounds pretty good right now. Or it just may be the man or woman in front of you is a jerk. In either case, it’s nothing personal.

Know the signs of a Taker, so that you can steer clear when you need to. You will sense a “tit for tat” in the moment that something is given by the Taker. It may be very subtle but trust your own feelings. The giving will be less joyful and more purposeful on the part of the Taker. Often, Takers will have a laser-like focus as a way to make sure that they get what they want out of the interaction. They won't waste time on people who they perceive can’t give them something of value. They seek out others based on status, title, position, experience level, or closeness to someone else with power. Photo by Redvers

Know the signs of a Protector--wariness and holding back (not to be confused with introversion.) Even after you extend a giving hand and ask questions from genuine curiosity, Protectors won’t let down their guard. It's worth a try working with Protectors to shift their idea of who you are and what your intentions might be. However, at some point, if you don't sense a change, it's best to move on.

Topics for further research (which may take the rest of my life to fully understand):

What causes a Taker to become a Giver?
What causes a Protector to become a Giver?
How can we create more Givers in the world?
How can you recognize Givers, Takers, and Protectors in the online world?

For now, let’s try this experiment: Independent of what role you naturally gravitate towards, the next time you find yourself in a conversation with a stranger, choose to be a Giver. Photo by Hamed Saber

Provide your results in a comment below.

P.S. If you enjoyed this article, check out my Networking Naturally Program, starting on October 27. You'll learn the secret to great networking (hint: be a giver.)

Remembering Dad, 35 Years Later

2009-10-05T13:42:00-06:00

I was startled this morning when I read an email about someone remembering my dad, who died over 35 years ago:

"...in Boston last week, there was a conversation about old time calculators and early computers and some else there said....I used to know a man in Fort Wayne who could run an abacus faster than those early calculators...."

That person went on to name my dad. It is striking to me that across time and geographical distance, a memory could remain lodged within an individual, to be recalled at just the right moment.

Dad was sharp as a tack, ambitious, and could juggle work, family, and school (he went back to college in his forties) like no one else. As the saying goes, the apple does not fall far from the tree. The math genes run throughout my family, with brothers who went into the sciences and engineering and teenage sons who are taking AP calculus.

I had forgotten how capable Dad was, without the advantage of an education or a nurturing childhood. Or that he too, dreamed of being an entrepreneur, and running his own show. Over three decades later, I can trace my internal drive back to being my father's daughter. Things have turned out much better for me than it did for him.

Dad died when I was 13 years old. Decades later, I'm still learning about him, and in an odd way, about myself.

Have We Become a Society of Driveling, Rude, Multi-tasking, Automatons?

2009-09-30T14:15:00-06:00

Factoids and observations over the last month have led me to wonder where modern society is headed:

Heard on NPR, teenagers send or receive an average of 2,272 text messages per month. That's nearly 80 per day. I can only imagine the content of those text messages....

In doing research for this post, I ran across a great resource on media use, Media Institute on Media + The Family. See their fact sheet on media use. If you don't have a teen in your household, it will surprise you. We spend more time in front of screens than anything else besides sleeping. Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography.

I've been using Twitter on a regular basis since January 2009. Increasingly, the people who are following seem to be focused on drivel, hype, gaming the system, or attracting attention with seductive profile photos. What happened to thoughtful discourse (yes, that can happen in 140 characters) and real people talking about meaningful things (note: quotes from famous people don't count)?

A friend emailed me an Ellen Goodman column on multi-tasking as as way of life, and by the way, one that doesn't make us smarter. I see it with my kids as a normal part of staying stimulated--ear buds are a permanent part of my younger son's wardrobe, no matter whether he's watching a Star Trek episode on his computer or unloading the dishwasher or doing his homework. Photo by Schmoomema

While I'm at it, I might as well add in that civility and common respect seem to be on the decline. No one seems to consider it rude to text or Twitter while talking to others. A recent Wall Street Journal article, Friends Don't Let Friends Bring Up Healthcare, points out our inability to agree to disagree without hard feelings. And I was dismayed by the general insensitivity at my nieces' high school graduation ceremony last spring. A number of women seated behind us talked at normal conversational levels on cell phones throughout the ceremony, as if they were in the privacy of their homes. Photo by kiwanga

If I sound like a middle-aged woman, yearning for a different time, that's not my intention. Rather, I hope that as we continue to use more advanced technology in our daily lives, we learn to become more thoughtful and tolerant, respectful and informed, and ultimately, more human.

Daniel Pink on What Really Motivates People and The Importance of Service and Persistence

2009-09-27T13:02:03-06:00

I admit it. I'm biased. Anything that Dan Pink writes or speaks on, I usually agree with.

It's no different with this TED talk he gave this summer on the mismatch between what social scientists know about motivation and how businesses apply incentives. He ties his thesis--that mastery, purpose, and autonomy are better motivators than the traditional carrot or stick--back to his previous best seller, A Whole New Mind.

Pink argues that the kind of work that is valued now requires creativity (e.g., lateral thinking) and traditional incentives in business (e.g., money or avoidance of getting booted out) stifle creativity. It's a natural next step in Pink's exploration of the world of work and careers and an insight that's sorely needed in the business world.

Yes, any seasoned manager understands this intuitively. Give your employees more control of their work, let them feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and make it meaningful and the results will be outstanding. But where Pink excels is bringing the facts to what we know intuitively.

For more great insights on careers from Pink, watch this commencement speech he gave in 2008 to the Minneapolis College of Art and Design (MCAD):

I'll be interviewing Pink later this fall on behalf of the Northwestern Alumni Association. (We're both alums.) We'll talk about his book, The Adventures of Johnny Bunko, a career book targeted to Gen Y, as well as his forthcoming book on intrinsic motivation, Drive. I can't wait.

Networking Naturally Program, Starting Oct 27

2009-09-18T06:56:00-06:00

If you've been thinking, "I need to do more networking" but aren't sure how to get started, now's your chance to get support--the kind of support that will make all the difference.

In October, I'm starting a 3-teleseminar series, Networking Naturally Program: Less Stress, More Joy, Better Results.

We'll meet for three consecutive Tuesdays over the phone (or listen over the Internet), 75-minutes each time. Here are a few tips to give you a taste of what you'll learn in the program:

It's been a ton of work over the last few months to put all the pieces in place (systems, staff, process). At times, I forgot to have fun. I wondered if I had gotten myself into an endless do-loop.

This week, I remembered why I'm doing this work. I received a call from someone who had participated in the pilot of this program, last April. She started off by saying, "I didn't want to email you. I felt like I wanted to call you instead. I just want to tell you that things are falling into place for me, and it's all because of networking!"

We talked more and I could see that while this person had "done her homework," participating in the Networking Naturally Program made the difference between showing up, or going through life waiting for a tap on the shoulder. This woman decided to show up. She connected with others who could make use of her gifts and offer up new opportunities.

I forget that for many, it's hard to "put yourself out there." That's why your attitude about networking makes such a big difference. If connecting with others is about giving and being of service, it's a heck of a lot easier than if you've got a Gremlin saying, "Who would want to talk to you?"

Give first before asking for anything. That's just one of the principles that I'll be teaching this fall in the Networking Naturally Program. I hope you'll join me. Early registration ends on September 25, so don't delay.

BTW--this work is the reason I've recently been absent from this blog for weeks at a time. I miss having time to write, create, and ponder. I'm hoping to re-connect with my muse in the coming weeks....

Back to School Time

2009-09-16T02:54:15-06:00

Back-to-school time is bittersweet. Yes, we celebrate a new year, the start of the next adventure. And with a new start, there's also an ending.

For weeks now, I've been reminded of endings and beginnings, of the rituals that mark the passing of time. It started about a month ago, when I attended a family dinner, to say good-bye to my twin nieces, headed off to college for the first time. One left in August for the West Coast and the other left this month for the Midwest. They are half girl and half woman, with responsibilities and talents and intelligence that clearly puts them into the adult category and life experience that still puts them in the teen category. When we gather again for Thanksgiving, they will have moved a little closer into adulthood.

It is the end of a parent's "child under my roof" period, when daily living together is the natural (if not always comfortable) state of affairs. I may not have the same influence over your clothes and choice of friends as when you were younger, but I still see you at breakfast and dinner. A friend of mine with a senior in high school told me that she's already getting teary-eyed, and it's only the beginning of the school year. Just like women get pre-menopausal, mothers get pre-empty nesteritis. It's a nasty condition that is often accompanied by lumps in the throat and a dread of being no longer needed.

I've been reminded how far my own children have come in terms of independence. Just a few years ago, my husband and I were hesitant to leave them alone for a couple of hours on their own. Now, an evening out for dinner or a concert without them is stress free. My oldest is learning to drive and if it weren't for the "unreasonable" requirement to log 50 hours of driving with a parent, he'd already have his badge of true independence--a driver's license.

Every once in awhile, memories of my kids at different ages do a short lilt and jig in my head, a commercial break from reality. I remember one as the defiant toddler, and another as a third-grader in a new school, grasping for some sense of routine by wearing the same two shirts from the start of school until Christmas break, and both of them graduating from fifth grade to middle school in elaborate ceremonies that were much too pompous for the achievement bestowed upon them.

Where has the time gone? Back to school reminds me. Each year, on the first day of school, I take a few photos of my sons on the backyard patio and the front steps, to record the freshness of a new school year. Over the years, my kids have transformed from cooperative, excited boys to, well, teenagers, with a sureness about school that makes it uncool to document the process with photos. They have grown up.

A friend of mine, who lost her dad to a quick-moving cancer over the summer, told me that after some vacation time in August, she's ready to start anew again. Her clients are part of a year-long leadership program, that ends about now. They, too, will start again, with new perspectives and skills. What is it about the fall, that back-to-school time, that gives us hope and a sense of turning the corner, just when Mother Nature is getting ready to go out in a burst of color before going dormant? Photo by elbfoto

We start again, each year, in the fall. We wipe away the mistakes and regrets of the last year with new erasers and composition books that have no stray markings or ink spots, but which still shows some resistance when the front cover is opened. We open ourselves to another identity, one that isn't about being the expert in work, but rather the student in life. We fill our backpacks with reflection and dreams and commitment to the journey. Photo by Jamiesrabbits

Another friend, who came to this country 20 years ago from China, told me that in Asia, you don't get second chances. Black marks follow you for life. Not here, in the US. We are a country of immigrants, with second chances as easy to come by as a move to another state.

In a way, this entire year has been about back-to-school. Ending what we knew from past years, maybe how we lived and worked, what we trusted, and starting over.

What is back-to-school time like for you?

Creativity That Comes Through You

2009-08-21T08:32:00-06:00

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the best-selling book, "Eat, Pray, Love," gave a talk at the TED conference this year about adopting a new mindset on creativity, one that doesn't give full credit or blame to an individual, but to a greater force. Call it the Divine, God, Muse, whatever. The point is that creativity is borne from a partnership with something greater than oneself. Photo by creativedc

Here's the link to the TED video.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

The first half of this 20-minute talk can come across as self-absorbed. The second half is where Gilbert makes a compelling case for looking at creativity in a new light. She's spot on and in sharing her truth on creativity, it moved me to tears.

Why tears? Because I know that feeling when something is moving through me, that is utterly pure and wonderful. I have no idea where it has come from. I can't trace it to anything I've said or done before. It's just there. A phrase. An idea. A seed of a blog post. A knowing about the truth of someone's situation, without consciously putting all the pieces together. When I blurt out what's moving through me or quickly type on my laptop before I lose that feeling, I'm not so much the author or the speaker as I am the scribe. Yes, the scribe.

A favorite quote from Martha Graham says it all:

"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost."

This is not a new idea, that the genius guy or gal is the vessel or channel for something magical which humans can't fully comprehend. We may not be able to understand creativity, but we love it when we see it. Photo by alicepopkorn

Both Gilbert and Graham make another point that is often lost on individuals struggling through a creative endeavor. Your only job is to show up. That's it. If you are writer, make time to write. Even if you think what is coming out is no good, or that you don't have enough time, or you aren't in a good enough mood. Just write.

Photo by ms.Tea

Same goes for painters, dancers, computer engineers (yes, engineers can be creative as well!) Just show up. That's it.

My thanks to Deb Siverson, a friend, collaborator, and colleague, who emailed me the link to Gilbert's talk, with the subject line: "I watched this today and thought of you." Deb also is no stranger to working with the Divine.

How does creativity come through you?

Photo by Bohman

Awakening Again to Life

2009-08-18T11:34:26-06:00

This morning, in the midst of getting ready to take my sons to school (yes, the kids are back at school again!), I received an email that made me pause and take in the essence of life. It's that same feeling when I see a weepy movie. I remember that my heart is meant to soar and be broken and feel elation and sadness, all within a matter of seconds. As human beings, we are meant to feel, as much or more than we are meant to think. When I am jolted out of my "Step A leads to Step B" thinking mode and dunked, head first into the tank of deep emotion, barely able to get a breath before going under water, I am grateful. So very grateful. Photo by marieantuanetta

The email was from a friend of over thirty years, a kindred spirit from my days at music camp as a teenager. His wife died this morning, after a long fight with breast cancer. She left not only a grieving husband, but four children, the youngest being a grade schooler and the oldest being a college student. My friend was eloquent, only hours after his wife's death, in describing what her passing meant to him, his children, and his in-laws. He also professed his faith in God and His wisdom in choosing this to be her time to go. Photo by silver and gold.

I didn't know my friend's wife at all. We met only briefly while my friend was dating her in college. We've lived in different states our entire adult lives. Yet, I'm sad this morning, even weepy, because I can sense the impact that she had on those closest to her. I know from my friend's email that this was a woman who was loved and loved others, deeply. I know that her friends and family will miss her, not just today or next week, but for a very long time. This awakens me to life again.

Another friend once told me that the whole purpose for our lives is to love and be loved. My left-brained engineering side can never quite comprehend this. Until I see an email like the one my friend sent me this morning. And then I feel it, deep in my chest. Yes, that's it, isn't it? So simple and so powerful. Photo by David Paul Ohmer.

Today, as I go through my schedule of calls with clients and vendors and write marketing copy for a website and manage the details of implementing a new CRM system, I'll be aware of those sacred feelings inside of me. I may even continue to be weepy. I'll stop to hear the sounds of my husband in the kitchen, making his morning brew, with a new appreciation. I'll greet my sons, after their first day at school, with more than a brief appearance from my home office. I'll be genuinely happy to have them home again. I'll be more patient with the stranger on the phone, trying to sell me something I don't need or want.

Life is right in front of us, in this moment, ready to be savored, deeply appreciated, and loved.

When Dissenting Voices Are Quashed, Be Very Worried

2009-08-08T22:31:18-06:00

Thank you, Peggy Noonan, for telling it like it is.

Noonan's op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, 'You Are Terrifying Us,' is the clarion call that we are in trouble as a nation, not because of our economic woes, but because we have lost our objectivity around what it means to be a nation that is governed by the people, for the people. When dissenting voices in a national debate are meant to look like the enemy, we usually think of Capitol Hill rhetoric. When this happens in a town hall held by your local congressman, we all should be worried. Photo by Editor B

Difficult problems, like health care, can be worked through when there is honest discussion and when all the voices at the table are heard. It's not easy, but there's a chance of a reasonable solution. It's no different than the fight you might have had with your spouse last month or a disagreement at the office. More dangerous and harmful is when one side decides that they are right, period. And then decides to defame or call into question the legitimacy of the opposition.

It's no way for the President of the United States, or all the President's men, to behave. But that's what we have. (BTW--Longtime readers of this blog know that I don't discuss my political views here. This posting is about freedom of speech, not an expression of my politics.)

One of the most shocking things I've seen in a long time came from Noonan's op-ed:

"....most damagingly to political civility, and even our political tradition, was the new White House email address to which citizens are asked to report instances of "disinformation" in the health care debate: If you receive an email or see something on the Web about healthcare reform that seems "fishy," you can send it to flag@whitehouse.gov."

This is no joke. I wish it was.

As a voter, I'm insulted that someone in the political system would think this tactic of intimidation and painting the opposition at town halls as agents for large organizations would work. Do they really think people are dumb sheep, believing a charge that goes against common sense? Photo by Duchamp

Every side in a debate will color their argument to persuade others. That's not disinformation. That's freedom of speech.

The disrespect for the common citizen is amazing. Noonan sums it up nicely. Referring to the charge that people showing up at town halls were sent by insurance companies, lobbyists, and the Republican National Committee, she states,

"....you can't get people to leave their homes and go to a meeting with a congressman (of all people) unless they are engaged to the point of passion....People are not automatons. They show up only if they care."

Show up. Care. As a nation, we all have a lot at stake.

PS. One of many YouTube videos of town halls being held around the country by members of Congress:

Take the time to do your own research. Go to YouTube and search on "town hall, health care." You'll see a number of videos uploaded in the last week, showing what people are saying and the passion that they have for their voices to be heard.

How to Change Your View on Life

2009-08-05T08:39:31-06:00

If you want to change your view on life, move a thousand miles away to a blighted urban city, work for a men's homeless shelter for not much more than a roof over your head and three (sort of) square meals a day, and write--about what you see and feel and think.

Photo by Diego Cupolo

Observe individual behavior from the viewpoint of a humanist, someone whose job it is to uncover the facets of what makes us human and how we are all so alike and so different, at the same time. Add in humor, when you would rather cry than laugh, when the irony strikes you, when there's no other way to accept what is.

Write about what it's like to live in a city where people show their frustration not just with words, but acts of violence and where flipping the bird is a mild form of self-expression. Write about the dignity and honesty of individuals who own up to their faults and misdeeds without flinching, because it's what they know to be true. Write about seeing hope, one moment at a time, one person at a time, and then realizing that hope is ephemeral and dissolves when you step back into the war zone. Write about living on a budget, without cable, and with Hamburger Helper as a nightly routine.

In between the chaos and despair of trying to make life better for those at the bottom of society's food chain, retreat into the serenity of nature. Let yourself be enveloped by beauty. Read what the zen masters (and a few smart aleck writers) have to say about life and living. Be silent. Be compassionate with yourself and others. Photo by Ryan Want.

Do this for a year.

This is exactly what my nephew, Ryan, did, when he took a position with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps last August, in Oakland, CA.

Last night, I stayed up past my bedtime to read about Ryan's year in California. You can read about it too, by visiting the blog that he kept throughout his experience. That's him in the picture on the left.

Ryan's writings go back to the roots of blogging, when it truly was a "web log" and a pure expression of one's thoughts, minus the self-absorption that you see in many blogs today. This is no small feat. Kudos to Ryan for pulling this off with grace and a clear, honest voice that we can all relate to. He has a gift for telling it like it is without being self-serving or maudlin and with a maturity that most of us don't find until we are in mid-life.

It also doesn't hurt that Ryan has a streak of humor that has earned him the title of "family smart-ass." Biting humor can be a relief when faced with bleakness.

While I'm not about to move to another part of the country and volunteer my time to help the homeless, Ryan has me wondering what's possible if I shake things up a bit, get out of my routine, and live on the edge a bit more. Thanks, Ryan.

How are you purposely changing your perspective on life?

Resources to Improve Your Life

2009-07-29T06:35:00-06:00

The great thing about living in the Internet age is that sharing resources is effortless. A few great resources that others have shared with me, which I now share with you:

Six TED Talk To Make You Reassess What You Are Doing With Your Life. If you haven't heard about the TED conference, it's an invitation only forum for the best and brightest ideas that will inspire others to connect, converse, and create. Fortunately for the rest of us (who haven't managed to get on the invitation list) there are TED talks that are videotaped and archived. Take time to go through this wonderful compilation of the best of the best. (My thanks to @brettkopf for pointing me to this compilation.)

The Female Brand by Catherine Kaputa. I first met Catherine in 2006, when I interviewed her for a Northwestern University podcast about personal branding, based on her first book, U R a Brand. Having worked for major ad agencies before launching her own business, Catherine has a concise writing style, that is punctuated with vivid stories and practical tools. In her newest book, she gives a fresh view of how women can leverage their innate talents to get results in the workplace. In the process, the book advocates the use of whole brain thinking. As women, we can play the game using both the feminine and masculine energies. Full disclosure: I'm one of several women profiled in the book, for my work on A Bigger Voice. It was both an honor and a curiosity for me to be interviewed for the book, to see how my story fits into a larger story of women with something to say.

Who's Got Your Back by Keith Ferrazzi. This book has a little something for everyone, based on the power of authentic relationships and a mindset of giving to others. Ferrazzi is the author of Never Eat Alone, one of my favorite books on networking. In this newest book, he goes one step further to explain how to create "lifeline relationships," the kind of relationships that can help you succeed in life and work. Ferrazzi starts with attributes of effective 1:1 relationships and expands those attributes to a team/group/organization to improve performance (as well as satisfaction and loyalty.) The ground that Ferrazzi covers is familiar. Organization development consultants and coaches will resonate with the book's major points. My big insight was the importance of lifeline relationships to my development as an entrepreneur, creating a business that will outlast me. A must for individuals who embrace the idea that entrepreneurship is a team sport as well as those who want a strong network to support their aspirations. Photo by johnthescone.

What have you read or seen lately that can help others improve their lives? Share in the comments below.