Ordinary Life, Extraordinary Living

Why "The Dip" is an Enterpreneur's Best Friend

2009-11-09T12:08:00-07:00

While I've been absent from this blog over the last month, I've been very present to The Dip.

What is The Dip? It's the name of a book by Seth Godin, with the subtitle, "A Little Book That Teaches You When To Quit (and When to Stick.)" I read it for the second time recently, to get my bearings as an entrepreneur. To understand where was I after working like a dog for the last six months (www.naturalway2network.com), and finding myself taking out a business loan for the first time ever, to cover costs.

The Dip told me. I was in a dip and one that is worth getting through. It was not time to quit. Photo by juhansonin

In Godin's words:

"The fact that it's difficult and unpredictable works to your advantage. Because if it were any other way, there'd be no profit in it...The reason we're here is to solve the hard problems...You've acquired the equipment and the education and the reputation...all so you can acquire this Dip, right now. The Dip is the reason you're here."

And here's where my thinking really shifted:

"It's not enough to survive your way through this Dip. You get what you deserve when you embrace the Dip and treat it like the opportunity that it really is."

In other words, if my idea had been an easy one to implement, it would have already been done by someone else. Put your mind to it and the rewards will be there.

Godin also talks about how to determine if you are barking up the wrong tree. When this happens, it's best to recognize the opportunity cost of sticking with a losing effort and get the hell out as quick as you can. A losing effort is one in which you don't have what it takes to become "the best in your world" at what you are doing. This pointed to a disturbing question:

Should I have even started this new business six months ago?

This checklist from The Dip helped me sort that out:

Seven Reasons You Might Fail to Become the Best in the World

You run out of time (and quit).<---check back next year

You run out of money (and quit). <---check back next year

You get scared (and quit). <---what, me worry?

You're not serious about it (and quit). <---you don't know me well, do you?

You lose interest or enthusiasm or settle for being mediocre (and quit). <---loss of interest or enthusiasm for a few days but never, never settling for being mediocre

You focus on the short term instead of the long (and quit when the short term gets too hard<---this can be me, but fortunately, my resiliency keeps me in the game for the long haul

You pick the wrong thing at which to be the best in the world (because you don't have the talent.) <---Honestly, why would anyone bother if they didn't have the talent to begin with?

My thanks to Seth Godin for putting the entrepreneur's journey in such stark terms.

Over the last month, the dip has made me keenly aware of the importance of persistence. One of my business mentors gave me this advice upon hearing that I was in the dip:

Keep at it. Not for one year, but for five years.

Oh, my. Really. I know that's what it takes. I just didn't want to admit it. My mentor later emailed me this quote from Thomas Carlyle, 1795-1881:

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak."

Okay, I'm sticking. Check back with me in 2014 and I'll let you know if I made the right decision.

Cracking the Code of Networking: Givers, Takers, and Protectors

2009-10-08T18:22:40-06:00

I’ve been going to networking events for years, first as a way to build my career and then as a way to build my business. For some, this may sound like hell on earth. I prefer to think of it as a long-term study in human behavior. Think rats in cages. Okay, just kidding.

I’m 48 years old. I’ve met hundreds, if not thousands, of strangers in ballrooms with overactive air conditioning and in restaurants with noise levels approaching take-off at O’Hare. I’ve had engrossing conversations and “ewwww” reactions. I’ve been bored silly eating appetizers in the corner and been the last person to leave because I found myself having so much fun. After all of this, I think I may have found the Rosetta Stone of networking. Photo by gaspartorrierio

Before we go any further, it’s useful to introduce the idea of a “stake,” the core driver for how one behaves in any situation. It’s the thing that one can count on when things go awry or when things are going smoothly. Some people might call this your intention but more often, it’s “unintention.” Most people are unaware of their stake at any moment. For me, my stake is usually to learn. No matter what I’m experiencing in life, if I’m learning, I feel okay. Learning is my homeostasis, my thermostat of life.

Now, dissect any conference hall crowd, formal social gathering, or group of industry seminar attendees. Create an expectation among normal adults that they will be interacting with people they’ve never met for the next thirty minutes. The Petri dish begins to reveal mixed emotions and intentions.

My theory is that you’ll find three types of individuals with three different stakes:

Givers. The stake for a Giver is to provide value to others, no matter what else happens. Givers operate from a sense of abundance. They give without strings attached. Givers are not looking for anything tangible in return other than a genuine expression of thanks. They feel good that they can be of service to others and are otherwise unattached to the outcome from their giving. Photo by Mykl Roventine

Takers. The stake for a Taker is to get something of value from others, no matter what else happens. Takers operate from a tit for tat mindset. They keep count of who is ahead and who is behind, in both giving and receiving, so that they come out ahead. They give with strings attached--to get something in return.

Protectors. The stake for a Protector is to stay safe, no matter what else happens. Protectors are wary of both Takers and Givers, because they can't distinguish between the two. For a Protector, all networking interactions carry the risk of being taken advantage of. Protectors neither give nor take. They remain safe by holding back and keeping their distance. Photo by UNC-CFC-USFK

Which one are you? At different times in my life, I know that I've played all three roles, Giver, Taker, and Protector. There’s no shame in that. What is important is that you consciously choose what role you take on and know the consequences of doing so.

The stage is set. Walking across a hotel carpet, with busy patterns designed to hide the spotty record of past networking encounters, we each assume a position—Giver, Taker, or Protector. What happens when the different pairings interact?

Giver-Giver. Nirvana. This is the ideal situation. Both parties feel like they are appreciated when they give, which engenders even more giving. Unfortunately, this pairing is not what most people experience when they are networking.

Giver-Taker. Tricked, again. This can work for awhile, until the Giver realizes that she is working with a Taker. Takers may even initiate giving first, with the intention that they will get something in return. At some point, Takers give themselves away by operating from an entitlement mindset (as in," I did this for you, so now you owe me.") The impact on the Giver is that this can turn them into a Protector.

Protector-Taker or Protector-Giver or Protector-Protector. The drawbridge is up. I've combined these three pairings because the dynamic is the same. The Protector holds back from any meaningful interaction in order to remain safe.

Taker-Taker. It’s just bizzz-ness. What can I say? This is purely transactional and both parties know and agree to it. They know what the game is. Photo by AndyRob

I discovered several years ago that I enjoy myself more and get better results when I’m a Giver. The time goes by quickly and I’m energized when I go home. I make new connections and in some cases, new friends.

However, as you can see from the pairings above, just because I’m playing the role of a Giver, doesn’t mean that I will meet Givers. It may take me a few tries to find “my tribe” of Givers.

Whether you are a natural Giver, a born-again Giver, or like me, one borne from years of living, here are tips for Givers:

Don't take unpleasant interactions personally. You can't control how others behave but you can control how you respond to their behavior. For all you know, the person in front of you may have caught their spouse cheating last week, gotten laid off, and be taking care of a dying mother. Being a Taker or Protector sounds pretty good right now. Or it just may be the man or woman in front of you is a jerk. In either case, it’s nothing personal.

Know the signs of a Taker, so that you can steer clear when you need to. You will sense a “tit for tat” in the moment that something is given by the Taker. It may be very subtle but trust your own feelings. The giving will be less joyful and more purposeful on the part of the Taker. Often, Takers will have a laser-like focus as a way to make sure that they get what they want out of the interaction. They won't waste time on people who they perceive can’t give them something of value. They seek out others based on status, title, position, experience level, or closeness to someone else with power. Photo by Redvers

Know the signs of a Protector--wariness and holding back (not to be confused with introversion.) Even after you extend a giving hand and ask questions from genuine curiosity, Protectors won’t let down their guard. It's worth a try working with Protectors to shift their idea of who you are and what your intentions might be. However, at some point, if you don't sense a change, it's best to move on.

Topics for further research (which may take the rest of my life to fully understand):

What causes a Taker to become a Giver?
What causes a Protector to become a Giver?
How can we create more Givers in the world?
How can you recognize Givers, Takers, and Protectors in the online world?

For now, let’s try this experiment: Independent of what role you naturally gravitate towards, the next time you find yourself in a conversation with a stranger, choose to be a Giver. Photo by Hamed Saber

Provide your results in a comment below.

P.S. If you enjoyed this article, check out my Networking Naturally Program, starting on October 27. You'll learn the secret to great networking (hint: be a giver.)

Remembering Dad, 35 Years Later

2009-10-05T13:42:00-06:00

I was startled this morning when I read an email about someone remembering my dad, who died over 35 years ago:

"...in Boston last week, there was a conversation about old time calculators and early computers and some else there said....I used to know a man in Fort Wayne who could run an abacus faster than those early calculators...."

That person went on to name my dad. It is striking to me that across time and geographical distance, a memory could remain lodged within an individual, to be recalled at just the right moment.

Dad was sharp as a tack, ambitious, and could juggle work, family, and school (he went back to college in his forties) like no one else. As the saying goes, the apple does not fall far from the tree. The math genes run throughout my family, with brothers who went into the sciences and engineering and teenage sons who are taking AP calculus.

I had forgotten how capable Dad was, without the advantage of an education or a nurturing childhood. Or that he too, dreamed of being an entrepreneur, and running his own show. Over three decades later, I can trace my internal drive back to being my father's daughter. Things have turned out much better for me than it did for him.

Dad died when I was 13 years old. Decades later, I'm still learning about him, and in an odd way, about myself.

Have We Become a Society of Driveling, Rude, Multi-tasking, Automatons?

2009-09-30T14:15:00-06:00

Factoids and observations over the last month have led me to wonder where modern society is headed:

Heard on NPR, teenagers send or receive an average of 2,272 text messages per month. That's nearly 80 per day. I can only imagine the content of those text messages....

In doing research for this post, I ran across a great resource on media use, Media Institute on Media + The Family. See their fact sheet on media use. If you don't have a teen in your household, it will surprise you. We spend more time in front of screens than anything else besides sleeping. Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography.

I've been using Twitter on a regular basis since January 2009. Increasingly, the people who are following seem to be focused on drivel, hype, gaming the system, or attracting attention with seductive profile photos. What happened to thoughtful discourse (yes, that can happen in 140 characters) and real people talking about meaningful things (note: quotes from famous people don't count)?

A friend emailed me an Ellen Goodman column on multi-tasking as as way of life, and by the way, one that doesn't make us smarter. I see it with my kids as a normal part of staying stimulated--ear buds are a permanent part of my younger son's wardrobe, no matter whether he's watching a Star Trek episode on his computer or unloading the dishwasher or doing his homework. Photo by Schmoomema

While I'm at it, I might as well add in that civility and common respect seem to be on the decline. No one seems to consider it rude to text or Twitter while talking to others. A recent Wall Street Journal article, Friends Don't Let Friends Bring Up Healthcare, points out our inability to agree to disagree without hard feelings. And I was dismayed by the general insensitivity at my nieces' high school graduation ceremony last spring. A number of women seated behind us talked at normal conversational levels on cell phones throughout the ceremony, as if they were in the privacy of their homes. Photo by kiwanga

If I sound like a middle-aged woman, yearning for a different time, that's not my intention. Rather, I hope that as we continue to use more advanced technology in our daily lives, we learn to become more thoughtful and tolerant, respectful and informed, and ultimately, more human.

Daniel Pink on What Really Motivates People and The Importance of Service and Persistence

2009-09-27T13:02:03-06:00

I admit it. I'm biased. Anything that Dan Pink writes or speaks on, I usually agree with.

It's no different with this TED talk he gave this summer on the mismatch between what social scientists know about motivation and how businesses apply incentives. He ties his thesis--that mastery, purpose, and autonomy are better motivators than the traditional carrot or stick--back to his previous best seller, A Whole New Mind.

Pink argues that the kind of work that is valued now requires creativity (e.g., lateral thinking) and traditional incentives in business (e.g., money or avoidance of getting booted out) stifle creativity. It's a natural next step in Pink's exploration of the world of work and careers and an insight that's sorely needed in the business world.

Yes, any seasoned manager understands this intuitively. Give your employees more control of their work, let them feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and make it meaningful and the results will be outstanding. But where Pink excels is bringing the facts to what we know intuitively.

For more great insights on careers from Pink, watch this commencement speech he gave in 2008 to the Minneapolis College of Art and Design (MCAD):

I'll be interviewing Pink later this fall on behalf of the Northwestern Alumni Association. (We're both alums.) We'll talk about his book, The Adventures of Johnny Bunko, a career book targeted to Gen Y, as well as his forthcoming book on intrinsic motivation, Drive. I can't wait.

Networking Naturally Program, Starting Oct 27

2009-09-18T06:56:00-06:00

If you've been thinking, "I need to do more networking" but aren't sure how to get started, now's your chance to get support--the kind of support that will make all the difference.

In October, I'm starting a 3-teleseminar series, Networking Naturally Program: Less Stress, More Joy, Better Results.

We'll meet for three consecutive Tuesdays over the phone (or listen over the Internet), 75-minutes each time. Here are a few tips to give you a taste of what you'll learn in the program:

It's been a ton of work over the last few months to put all the pieces in place (systems, staff, process). At times, I forgot to have fun. I wondered if I had gotten myself into an endless do-loop.

This week, I remembered why I'm doing this work. I received a call from someone who had participated in the pilot of this program, last April. She started off by saying, "I didn't want to email you. I felt like I wanted to call you instead. I just want to tell you that things are falling into place for me, and it's all because of networking!"

We talked more and I could see that while this person had "done her homework," participating in the Networking Naturally Program made the difference between showing up, or going through life waiting for a tap on the shoulder. This woman decided to show up. She connected with others who could make use of her gifts and offer up new opportunities.

I forget that for many, it's hard to "put yourself out there." That's why your attitude about networking makes such a big difference. If connecting with others is about giving and being of service, it's a heck of a lot easier than if you've got a Gremlin saying, "Who would want to talk to you?"

Give first before asking for anything. That's just one of the principles that I'll be teaching this fall in the Networking Naturally Program. I hope you'll join me. Early registration ends on September 25, so don't delay.

BTW--this work is the reason I've recently been absent from this blog for weeks at a time. I miss having time to write, create, and ponder. I'm hoping to re-connect with my muse in the coming weeks....

Back to School Time

2009-09-16T02:54:15-06:00

Back-to-school time is bittersweet. Yes, we celebrate a new year, the start of the next adventure. And with a new start, there's also an ending.

For weeks now, I've been reminded of endings and beginnings, of the rituals that mark the passing of time. It started about a month ago, when I attended a family dinner, to say good-bye to my twin nieces, headed off to college for the first time. One left in August for the West Coast and the other left this month for the Midwest. They are half girl and half woman, with responsibilities and talents and intelligence that clearly puts them into the adult category and life experience that still puts them in the teen category. When we gather again for Thanksgiving, they will have moved a little closer into adulthood.

It is the end of a parent's "child under my roof" period, when daily living together is the natural (if not always comfortable) state of affairs. I may not have the same influence over your clothes and choice of friends as when you were younger, but I still see you at breakfast and dinner. A friend of mine with a senior in high school told me that she's already getting teary-eyed, and it's only the beginning of the school year. Just like women get pre-menopausal, mothers get pre-empty nesteritis. It's a nasty condition that is often accompanied by lumps in the throat and a dread of being no longer needed.

I've been reminded how far my own children have come in terms of independence. Just a few years ago, my husband and I were hesitant to leave them alone for a couple of hours on their own. Now, an evening out for dinner or a concert without them is stress free. My oldest is learning to drive and if it weren't for the "unreasonable" requirement to log 50 hours of driving with a parent, he'd already have his badge of true independence--a driver's license.

Every once in awhile, memories of my kids at different ages do a short lilt and jig in my head, a commercial break from reality. I remember one as the defiant toddler, and another as a third-grader in a new school, grasping for some sense of routine by wearing the same two shirts from the start of school until Christmas break, and both of them graduating from fifth grade to middle school in elaborate ceremonies that were much too pompous for the achievement bestowed upon them.

Where has the time gone? Back to school reminds me. Each year, on the first day of school, I take a few photos of my sons on the backyard patio and the front steps, to record the freshness of a new school year. Over the years, my kids have transformed from cooperative, excited boys to, well, teenagers, with a sureness about school that makes it uncool to document the process with photos. They have grown up.

A friend of mine, who lost her dad to a quick-moving cancer over the summer, told me that after some vacation time in August, she's ready to start anew again. Her clients are part of a year-long leadership program, that ends about now. They, too, will start again, with new perspectives and skills. What is it about the fall, that back-to-school time, that gives us hope and a sense of turning the corner, just when Mother Nature is getting ready to go out in a burst of color before going dormant? Photo by elbfoto

We start again, each year, in the fall. We wipe away the mistakes and regrets of the last year with new erasers and composition books that have no stray markings or ink spots, but which still shows some resistance when the front cover is opened. We open ourselves to another identity, one that isn't about being the expert in work, but rather the student in life. We fill our backpacks with reflection and dreams and commitment to the journey. Photo by Jamiesrabbits

Another friend, who came to this country 20 years ago from China, told me that in Asia, you don't get second chances. Black marks follow you for life. Not here, in the US. We are a country of immigrants, with second chances as easy to come by as a move to another state.

In a way, this entire year has been about back-to-school. Ending what we knew from past years, maybe how we lived and worked, what we trusted, and starting over.

What is back-to-school time like for you?

Creativity That Comes Through You

2009-08-21T08:32:00-06:00

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the best-selling book, "Eat, Pray, Love," gave a talk at the TED conference this year about adopting a new mindset on creativity, one that doesn't give full credit or blame to an individual, but to a greater force. Call it the Divine, God, Muse, whatever. The point is that creativity is borne from a partnership with something greater than oneself. Photo by creativedc

Here's the link to the TED video.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

The first half of this 20-minute talk can come across as self-absorbed. The second half is where Gilbert makes a compelling case for looking at creativity in a new light. She's spot on and in sharing her truth on creativity, it moved me to tears.

Why tears? Because I know that feeling when something is moving through me, that is utterly pure and wonderful. I have no idea where it has come from. I can't trace it to anything I've said or done before. It's just there. A phrase. An idea. A seed of a blog post. A knowing about the truth of someone's situation, without consciously putting all the pieces together. When I blurt out what's moving through me or quickly type on my laptop before I lose that feeling, I'm not so much the author or the speaker as I am the scribe. Yes, the scribe.

A favorite quote from Martha Graham says it all:

"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost."

This is not a new idea, that the genius guy or gal is the vessel or channel for something magical which humans can't fully comprehend. We may not be able to understand creativity, but we love it when we see it. Photo by alicepopkorn

Both Gilbert and Graham make another point that is often lost on individuals struggling through a creative endeavor. Your only job is to show up. That's it. If you are writer, make time to write. Even if you think what is coming out is no good, or that you don't have enough time, or you aren't in a good enough mood. Just write.

Photo by ms.Tea

Same goes for painters, dancers, computer engineers (yes, engineers can be creative as well!) Just show up. That's it.

My thanks to Deb Siverson, a friend, collaborator, and colleague, who emailed me the link to Gilbert's talk, with the subject line: "I watched this today and thought of you." Deb also is no stranger to working with the Divine.

How does creativity come through you?

Photo by Bohman

Awakening Again to Life

2009-08-18T11:34:26-06:00

This morning, in the midst of getting ready to take my sons to school (yes, the kids are back at school again!), I received an email that made me pause and take in the essence of life. It's that same feeling when I see a weepy movie. I remember that my heart is meant to soar and be broken and feel elation and sadness, all within a matter of seconds. As human beings, we are meant to feel, as much or more than we are meant to think. When I am jolted out of my "Step A leads to Step B" thinking mode and dunked, head first into the tank of deep emotion, barely able to get a breath before going under water, I am grateful. So very grateful. Photo by marieantuanetta

The email was from a friend of over thirty years, a kindred spirit from my days at music camp as a teenager. His wife died this morning, after a long fight with breast cancer. She left not only a grieving husband, but four children, the youngest being a grade schooler and the oldest being a college student. My friend was eloquent, only hours after his wife's death, in describing what her passing meant to him, his children, and his in-laws. He also professed his faith in God and His wisdom in choosing this to be her time to go. Photo by silver and gold.

I didn't know my friend's wife at all. We met only briefly while my friend was dating her in college. We've lived in different states our entire adult lives. Yet, I'm sad this morning, even weepy, because I can sense the impact that she had on those closest to her. I know from my friend's email that this was a woman who was loved and loved others, deeply. I know that her friends and family will miss her, not just today or next week, but for a very long time. This awakens me to life again.

Another friend once told me that the whole purpose for our lives is to love and be loved. My left-brained engineering side can never quite comprehend this. Until I see an email like the one my friend sent me this morning. And then I feel it, deep in my chest. Yes, that's it, isn't it? So simple and so powerful. Photo by David Paul Ohmer.

Today, as I go through my schedule of calls with clients and vendors and write marketing copy for a website and manage the details of implementing a new CRM system, I'll be aware of those sacred feelings inside of me. I may even continue to be weepy. I'll stop to hear the sounds of my husband in the kitchen, making his morning brew, with a new appreciation. I'll greet my sons, after their first day at school, with more than a brief appearance from my home office. I'll be genuinely happy to have them home again. I'll be more patient with the stranger on the phone, trying to sell me something I don't need or want.

Life is right in front of us, in this moment, ready to be savored, deeply appreciated, and loved.

When Dissenting Voices Are Quashed, Be Very Worried

2009-08-08T22:31:18-06:00

Thank you, Peggy Noonan, for telling it like it is.

Noonan's op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, 'You Are Terrifying Us,' is the clarion call that we are in trouble as a nation, not because of our economic woes, but because we have lost our objectivity around what it means to be a nation that is governed by the people, for the people. When dissenting voices in a national debate are meant to look like the enemy, we usually think of Capitol Hill rhetoric. When this happens in a town hall held by your local congressman, we all should be worried. Photo by Editor B

Difficult problems, like health care, can be worked through when there is honest discussion and when all the voices at the table are heard. It's not easy, but there's a chance of a reasonable solution. It's no different than the fight you might have had with your spouse last month or a disagreement at the office. More dangerous and harmful is when one side decides that they are right, period. And then decides to defame or call into question the legitimacy of the opposition.

It's no way for the President of the United States, or all the President's men, to behave. But that's what we have. (BTW--Longtime readers of this blog know that I don't discuss my political views here. This posting is about freedom of speech, not an expression of my politics.)

One of the most shocking things I've seen in a long time came from Noonan's op-ed:

"....most damagingly to political civility, and even our political tradition, was the new White House email address to which citizens are asked to report instances of "disinformation" in the health care debate: If you receive an email or see something on the Web about healthcare reform that seems "fishy," you can send it to flag@whitehouse.gov."

This is no joke. I wish it was.

As a voter, I'm insulted that someone in the political system would think this tactic of intimidation and painting the opposition at town halls as agents for large organizations would work. Do they really think people are dumb sheep, believing a charge that goes against common sense? Photo by Duchamp

Every side in a debate will color their argument to persuade others. That's not disinformation. That's freedom of speech.

The disrespect for the common citizen is amazing. Noonan sums it up nicely. Referring to the charge that people showing up at town halls were sent by insurance companies, lobbyists, and the Republican National Committee, she states,

"....you can't get people to leave their homes and go to a meeting with a congressman (of all people) unless they are engaged to the point of passion....People are not automatons. They show up only if they care."

Show up. Care. As a nation, we all have a lot at stake.

PS. One of many YouTube videos of town halls being held around the country by members of Congress:

Take the time to do your own research. Go to YouTube and search on "town hall, health care." You'll see a number of videos uploaded in the last week, showing what people are saying and the passion that they have for their voices to be heard.

How to Change Your View on Life

2009-08-05T08:39:31-06:00

If you want to change your view on life, move a thousand miles away to a blighted urban city, work for a men's homeless shelter for not much more than a roof over your head and three (sort of) square meals a day, and write--about what you see and feel and think.

Photo by Diego Cupolo

Observe individual behavior from the viewpoint of a humanist, someone whose job it is to uncover the facets of what makes us human and how we are all so alike and so different, at the same time. Add in humor, when you would rather cry than laugh, when the irony strikes you, when there's no other way to accept what is.

Write about what it's like to live in a city where people show their frustration not just with words, but acts of violence and where flipping the bird is a mild form of self-expression. Write about the dignity and honesty of individuals who own up to their faults and misdeeds without flinching, because it's what they know to be true. Write about seeing hope, one moment at a time, one person at a time, and then realizing that hope is ephemeral and dissolves when you step back into the war zone. Write about living on a budget, without cable, and with Hamburger Helper as a nightly routine.

In between the chaos and despair of trying to make life better for those at the bottom of society's food chain, retreat into the serenity of nature. Let yourself be enveloped by beauty. Read what the zen masters (and a few smart aleck writers) have to say about life and living. Be silent. Be compassionate with yourself and others. Photo by Ryan Want.

Do this for a year.

This is exactly what my nephew, Ryan, did, when he took a position with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps last August, in Oakland, CA.

Last night, I stayed up past my bedtime to read about Ryan's year in California. You can read about it too, by visiting the blog that he kept throughout his experience. That's him in the picture on the left.

Ryan's writings go back to the roots of blogging, when it truly was a "web log" and a pure expression of one's thoughts, minus the self-absorption that you see in many blogs today. This is no small feat. Kudos to Ryan for pulling this off with grace and a clear, honest voice that we can all relate to. He has a gift for telling it like it is without being self-serving or maudlin and with a maturity that most of us don't find until we are in mid-life.

It also doesn't hurt that Ryan has a streak of humor that has earned him the title of "family smart-ass." Biting humor can be a relief when faced with bleakness.

While I'm not about to move to another part of the country and volunteer my time to help the homeless, Ryan has me wondering what's possible if I shake things up a bit, get out of my routine, and live on the edge a bit more. Thanks, Ryan.

How are you purposely changing your perspective on life?

Resources to Improve Your Life

2009-07-29T06:35:00-06:00

The great thing about living in the Internet age is that sharing resources is effortless. A few great resources that others have shared with me, which I now share with you:

Six TED Talk To Make You Reassess What You Are Doing With Your Life. If you haven't heard about the TED conference, it's an invitation only forum for the best and brightest ideas that will inspire others to connect, converse, and create. Fortunately for the rest of us (who haven't managed to get on the invitation list) there are TED talks that are videotaped and archived. Take time to go through this wonderful compilation of the best of the best. (My thanks to @brettkopf for pointing me to this compilation.)

The Female Brand by Catherine Kaputa. I first met Catherine in 2006, when I interviewed her for a Northwestern University podcast about personal branding, based on her first book, U R a Brand. Having worked for major ad agencies before launching her own business, Catherine has a concise writing style, that is punctuated with vivid stories and practical tools. In her newest book, she gives a fresh view of how women can leverage their innate talents to get results in the workplace. In the process, the book advocates the use of whole brain thinking. As women, we can play the game using both the feminine and masculine energies. Full disclosure: I'm one of several women profiled in the book, for my work on A Bigger Voice. It was both an honor and a curiosity for me to be interviewed for the book, to see how my story fits into a larger story of women with something to say.

Who's Got Your Back by Keith Ferrazzi. This book has a little something for everyone, based on the power of authentic relationships and a mindset of giving to others. Ferrazzi is the author of Never Eat Alone, one of my favorite books on networking. In this newest book, he goes one step further to explain how to create "lifeline relationships," the kind of relationships that can help you succeed in life and work. Ferrazzi starts with attributes of effective 1:1 relationships and expands those attributes to a team/group/organization to improve performance (as well as satisfaction and loyalty.) The ground that Ferrazzi covers is familiar. Organization development consultants and coaches will resonate with the book's major points. My big insight was the importance of lifeline relationships to my development as an entrepreneur, creating a business that will outlast me. A must for individuals who embrace the idea that entrepreneurship is a team sport as well as those who want a strong network to support their aspirations. Photo by johnthescone.

What have you read or seen lately that can help others improve their lives? Share in the comments below.

When Was The Last Time You Experienced Joy Like This?

2009-07-25T17:57:23-06:00

A friend on Facebook posted this video of a creative, joyful start to a wedding:

It's been awhile since I blogged, two weeks to be exact. While you may have been wondering about the absence (or not), I was doing the same thing. Why haven't I made the time to sit down and write?

I realized yesterday that my creative spirit has been lagging--crowded out by a left-brain, get-a-new-business-off-the-ground, day-and-night work schedule. Under those conditions, it's hard to have the internal conversations and insights that inspire me to write.

I realized yesterday that joy, the kind that is so evident in the video above, had disappeared. At the start of the video, I was laughing and by the end, I was crying. Crying at the sweetness of pure joy, expressed in bodily movement and community clapping and lovely lyrics.

I'm not completely back, but I'm getting there. A little yoga, a weekend bike ride, some music-making on my flute (it had a been a year since I had played), and maybe even an inaugural foos ball game (found at a garage sale this morning) with my kids and/or hubby. All of these things are just as important as a sales pipeline, trademark applications, systems requirements and marketing plans.

If I forget, I'll be sure to watch the video again.....

Are You Preparing For Your Own Demise?

2009-07-09T09:49:00-06:00

That sounds worse than I really intend it to. What triggered that thought was an article from the Wall Street Journal, titled "Netflix Boss Plots Life After DVD." Quoting from the article:

"...Netflix's chief executive officer, Reed Hastings, thinks his core business is doomed. As soon as four years from now, he predicts, the business that generates most of Netflix's revenue today will begin to decline, as DVDs delivered by mail steadily lose ground to movies sent straight from the Internet.....His position offers a rare look at how a CEO manages a still-hot business as its time runs out. "Almost no companies succeed at what we're doing," he says."

A couple of years ago, I blogged about how a management guru had used sigmoid curves to explain the same predicament for all businesses. Companies ride a natural wave of ascending and descending but usually don't take heed until too far into the descent (think newspapers.)

Photo by ODHD

The same goes for careers. Most people wait until the "arc" of a first career is nearly done before taking steps to plant the seeds for the next career. We can easily get caught up in the soothing blanket of success and not realize that time is running out. Time could be running out due to changes in technology, a whole industry, or just what gives you joy when you get up in the morning. In any case, pay attention, so that you won't be caught flat-footed.

Where are you on the arc of your career?

Perspective on Bad Times

2009-07-07T00:08:00-06:00

When people ask me about my work history, I talk about my first job out of school, in 1983, working in a nuclear power plant. I talk about the experience of working in a heavily unionized, male-dominated environment, and walking to my office in the middle of the plant with a hardhat and steel-toed shoes on.

Photo by Paul J.

What I don't talk about is just as important. I don't talk about having only one job offer that year, even though I graduated in the top 10% of my engineering class from a top-notch private university. I don't talk about seeing a majority of my classmates scrambling to find jobs that year. I don't talk about commuting 40 miles each way to work to a small town 60 miles outside of Chicago, in the middle of nowhere.

Why don't I talk about these things? Because I've forgotten what it was like. I just did it, lived through it, and moved on. I didn't know things were "bad, really bad." I just knew it was hard to find a job and I would have to make some sacrifices in terms of location.

1983 is often put up as comparison for what we are going through now. ("We haven't seen numbers like this since the last recession in 1983.") But if someone hadn't reminded me that the economy was bad in 1983, I wouldn't have known.

This is not a "I walked ten miles to school and you should be able to do it, too" story. But it is meant to give one perspective on bad times. We live through them and forget what it was like, not because our memories are that bad (although mine is getting worse with age), but because it's human nature to focus on today and last week and last month. Photo by aflcio2008

Yes, times are bad. Mainly because we have only today and yesterday and last month to think about. Did we make great strides in the last 25 years, since 1983? Yes. Are we still living in one of the most affluent societies (I'm talking about first world countries around the globe) that mankind has ever known? Yes. Do I feel lucky to be where I'm at today? Yes, absolutely.

The next time I hear someone talk about how bad things are, I'll just close my eyes and think of 1983.

How Good Are You at Self-Advocacy?

2009-07-02T10:59:53-06:00

It's been awhile since I posted here. I've been learning about advocacy and self-advocacy.

In preparing for a talk in Houston next week for the Juvenile Arthritis annual conference, I looked up the definition of "advocate." (The title of my talk is "Advocacy: Finding Your Voice." Contact me if you are in Houston and you want to meet for drinks while I'm in town.) Photo by Leonid Mamchenkov.

Here's what Webster's says about advocates:

1. one that pleads the cause of another
2. one that defends or maintains a cause or proposal
3. one that supports or promotes the interests of another

As a coach, I sometimes play the role of an advocate for the client. One way of being an advocate is crafting a confidentiality agreement between a client and the person who is hiring me (e.g., a manager, parent, or even son/daughter) so that the client has as much freedom to express himself during the coaching, without worries that it will get back to a third party.

But more often, I'm an advocate for the client by helping their best self to emerge. People have many "selves," not all of which are helpful in every situation. In fact, many of us have a self that tells us we are not good enough, don't have permission to do what brings us joy, aren't entitled to things that we would easily accord our spouse or favorite pet, and basically criticizes our every move. I'm learning there's a name for this: Negative Ego. (Many thanks to Keri Kuerbis Lehman for deepening my understanding of this concept.) Photo by hi, i'm sammmm

Clients need an advocate when their Negative Ego starts running the show.

Even better than being an advocate is helping clients to develop self-advocacy. It's the difference between "giving fish" and "teaching to fish." I can be there during a coaching session to beat back someone's Negative Ego. But the client is much more empowered when she can do it for herself.

I'm working on this for myself. I was recently coached at a time when my Negative Ego was screaming: "You don't have time to waste! Keep working or you'll never get it all done! Forget about that bike ride on Sundays with Evelyn. I'll be sure to make you pay for the afternoon you took off last Friday." And on and on....you know those voices, right?

My coach simply said, "You can have it any way you want." She was telling me that my sense of urgency was an illusion. Which made me think about, "What would happen if I don't get X, Y, and Z done by next month?" The consequences didn't seem so bad. And it made my life not just a whole lot easier, but more manageable and sane. That was advocacy. Photo by Matter=Energy.

Self-advocacy is hearing the voice that doesn't serve me, and saying, "It's a lie! It's a f---ing lie!" Now that would be a bit harder. But it's where I want to go and where I want my clients to go.

How good are you at self-advocacy? And how do you celebrate when you are successful at self-advocacy?

Standing Up to the Bullies (With Kindness)

2009-06-19T23:08:43-06:00

In the course of making a living, it's easy to compromise our values and principles. Think of the client you don't want to offend or the VP who treats you and rest of the staff as part of her fiefdom.

The most precious thing that you have is your self-respect and dignity. Others may try to strip you of it, but only you can give it away.

Viktor Frankel showed the power of this in his remarkable book, Man's Search for Meaning, where he wrote about his experience in a concentration camp during World War II. By most standards, Frankel had nothing. The Nazis had taken away all material goods, the manuscript to a book that he had been working on, his freedom, and his family. Yet he still possessed a few things that really matter, especially under such bleak circumstances. He kept his dignity, self-respect, imagination, and humanity.

I can't stand bullies--people who take advantage of a situation, such as having more stature in a community or positional authority in an organization or holding the purse strings (or in grade school, being bigger and older.) Bullies may make unreasonable demands or undermine your self-esteem. In all cases, they ignore clear boundaries. They cross the line, sometimes repeatedly. Photo by kevindooley.

When I was in kindergarten, I was walking home from school. A boy pushed me into a mud puddle. I remember my red wool sweater, knit by my mother, dirty and wet. I cried all the way home.

I've never forgotten that feeling.

There would be times as an adult when others bullied me. More often than not, I didn't say anything. This took the form of lewd remarks in an environment hostile to women, or practical jokes that went too far. I let them strip away my dignity, by not saying anything, by not standing up for myself.

In my thirties, I started to find my voice and with that, stand up to the bullies. A few days after giving birth to my first son, with hormones raging, I received a call from the person who took over my duties at work, asking a few reasonable questions. On the second call, I realized this person wasn't going to take heed of the boundaries that I had set up for my maternity leave. I called my manager and complained. He apologized and made sure I never received another call during my leave.

Photo by Eddie~S

In my forties, in starting my own business, I ran into plenty of bullies --from clients to colleagues to business contacts. In some cases, I had the courage to address the bully immediately. In other cases, it took longer.

Several years ago, I met with three men who were in a business partnership. One man, who didn't feel that he was being treated fairly by the other two, brought me in as a potential coach/consultant. He wanted to create a more equitable partnership. After some complimentary work, the three men got excited about what was possible in working with me. We started talking about how often to meet and when we could get started, items that would later be confirmed in a proposal.

The alpha male, the one clearly in charge, made an off-hand remark that made me uncomfortable. It was not only sexist. It was designed to strip me of my dignity, disguised as a joke. I stopped in my tracks and simply said, "I'm feeling uncomfortable and I don't want to work with you. Thank you for your time." Afterwards, the two other men called to apologize and asked me to re-consider. The offending alpha male never contacted me. I referred the other two men to a colleague.

More recently, I woke up with this internal message from my wisest self, "Be kind to yourself and to others." I realized it fit perfectly when I read an email, from a potential client, who attempted to bully me. Apparently nice people who don't get their way make the worst bullies. It's unseemly.

I was kind to myself. I gave myself permission to get smarter and disengage from working for this person. I was kind to the potential client by not lashing out, but rather saying simply, there wasn't a fit.

I used to think that standing up for myself meant that I had to get angry, like when I called my manager while on maternity leave. Now I know that holding my ground, when the line is crossed, can be done firmly and yes, with kindness, for all involved.

How do you stand up to bullies?

Divine Timing

2009-06-14T21:51:32-06:00

Recently, I've been playing with the notion of "divine timing." It's the idea that everything happens at the exact right time, that nothing has to be forced or rushed. Divine timing doesn't necessarily mean slower, unless that's where my energy is naturally taking me. Just as often, things happen faster, like when I pick my spots to write a blog post and it comes pouring out of me. Divine timing is knowing when that exact right time is, not from looking at a clock, but by feeling it. Photo by fdecomite

I was first made aware of this special relationship with time when I was working with a client in front of another coach, to get feedback on my coaching. I was to coach my client for no more than fifteen minutes and was given the opportunity for a "two-minute" warning when my time would be up. I declined that option, relying on my own internal clock. No sooner had I wrapped up the coaching then I heard, "That was exactly 15 minutes!" This has happened more than once.

Divine timing is waking up in the morning or after a cat nap, at exactly the time I wanted to wake up, without an alarm clock. Photo by Michael Fillion

Divine timing is meeting strangers at just the right time. Often they are able to help me with an issue I'm struggling with at the moment. Last week, I asked for advice on Twitter, about choosing a webinar service. A partner in a start-up, specializing in support for webinars, saw my tweet and responded immediately. We scheduled time to talk the next day and 90 minutes into the call, we still had more to talk about. It was only by coincidence that he had searched on Twitter with keywords that matched my tweet, just a few moments after I posted my request. He joked that if there had been something good on television that night, he never would have seen my tweet!

Divine timing is re-connecting with friends at the most opportune times, for me and for them. A friend emailed me about getting together, after I delayed getting together last month. On the day her email arrived, I noticed that I was attending a networking meeting that evening and invited her to attend as well. Later, I found out it was exactly what she needed in the moment, to get her bearings again after a hard week. Photo by glennharper

Diving timing is when a client calls a few minutes late, just enough time for me to grab lunch or get settled in after coming home from a business appointment.

Divine timing is delaying working on a project until just the right moment, not because I'm procrastinating, but because it hasn't yet been "fully cooked." This could be working with an attorney on a trademark, or with a graphic designer on a logo, or working with a possible collaborator for a speaking engagement. In all of those cases, I knew when the time was right to dig in and when I could allow things to develop further before spending time and energy. Photo by thunderchild tm

Divine timing is contacting a prospective client about a proposal, getting to the root of why it's been taking so long to get a decision made, and then offering up as a reference a repeat customer who had just contacted me that morning and had all the right credentials to address the prospective client's concerns.

Diving timing means I no longer worry about being late or behind. I pay attention to when my energy is right for tackling the task at hand and go with it. I trust my sense of timing, knowing when it's time to work on each item on my to-do list, because it becomes present for me.

Divine timing is all about trusting the moment, whatever that looks like, and letting my energy guide me. Life is a lot easier since I've become aware of divine timing. Delays and reschedules don't bother me when I know there's a better time for whatever I was going to do. Photo by R'eyes

Do you experience divine timing? If so, what does it look like for you?

Leaving a Steady Paycheck to Be An Entrepreneur

2009-06-09T06:07:00-06:00

Someone recently posed these questions to me:

"If you didn't have the means (financially) by which to pursue an entrepreneur's lifestyle and build your own business, would you still do it?"

"If you still worked for a corporation, would you still pursue an entrepreneur's lifestyle and build your own business?"

Photo by divemasterking2000

I've been pondering these two questions for the last few days. The short answer: Yes and maybe.

While the general population asks:

"What do I currently have that I would be at risk of losing?"

Most entrepreneurs are driven by:

"What do I stand to gain that I currently don't have?"

The difference in mindset is striking, isn't it? You could sum it up with the polarity of Scarcity vs. Abundance thinking. I think that would be glib. There's more to it than that.

When I started my business in 2003, my husband, who manages our finances said to me, "We have enough to live on for 2-3 years. Focus on building your business and we'll do just fine." That timeframe included burning through our 401K savings, which many people consider untouchable until retirement.

Would I have still started a business in 2003 after getting laid off, if my husband hadn't reassured me on the financial front? Yes, absolutely.

The financial cushion made it easier, because it gave me more time to build my business. But I would have made the leap to self-employment anyway. Why? Because my drive to gain what I didn't have as an employee--full creative expression, control of my own destiny, the satisfaction of matching my gifts and talents with the marketplace needs, and freedom, sweet freedom--overshadowed any fear I had of losing what I had at the time. My nod to less money in the bank: I would have been more aggressive in creating a revenue stream from the get-go.

Photo by ClickFlashPhotos

In fact, other than money in a 401K, I didn't have much to lose when I started my business 6 years ago. I didn't have a job. I didn't have status. (When you are unemployed, you automatically lose status, no matter what title you held previously). I didn't feel that I was at risk of losing my identity, as I had been transitioning out of engineering for a couple of years by then.

As with many other things, YMMV (your mileage may vary). If you require a bank loan to start up your business, are you willing to lose your credit worthiness if things don't work out? If you're used to a certain standard of living (e.g., vacations abroad, expensive dinners out), are you willing to change your lifestyle? If you have two kids in college, are you willing to have a family discussion on alternative ways to fund their education? If you have a spouse who is not supportive of hanging out your shingle, are you willing to work through the consequences? None of these were issues for me, but they may be for you.

Another way to look at this decision of becoming an entrepreneur:

What's the opportunity cost?

If I stick with being an employee, what will it cost me in terms of professional growth, satisfaction, new relationships, personal development, lifestyle, and yes, money over the long term?

Not everyone is cut out to be an entrepreneur. If you have even the slightest inkling that running your own show is something you would enjoy, you owe it to yourself to consider the opportunity cost of staying with the status quo. I'm fond of saying to individuals who are on the fence to committing and moving into action on something important to them,

"You don't have time to waste."

My friend, Ilene, taught me that lesson. Before she died in 2006 of ALS (aka Lou Gehrig's disease), she relayed a story of training new coaches and watching their reaction to her deteriorating sense of balance and strength in her legs. She proclaimed wisely, "I'm the lucky one. I know that my time is limited. You are still under the illusion that you have all the time in the world." How true, dear Ilene. How true. Photo by littledan77

I'd like to expand on my answer to the second question,

"If you still worked for a corporation, would you still pursue an entrepreneur's lifestyle and build your own business?"

The short answer is: Maybe.

If I still worked for a corporation, in this economy, I might be able to employ my entrepreneurial instincts inside a company. Hard times, painful conditions, often breed innovation, because the old ways don't work anymore. Maybe I'm being an idealist. Depending on the company and the top management, you may get the chance to help reinvent an existing company. That can be just as exciting and satisfying as starting your own.

On the other hand, if I were working for a company where the management was clearly going the death march route (think: newspapers who haven't come up with a new business model), I'd be the first one to create Plan B. Better to throw my lot with my own creative resources than to bet on a dying paradigm. Photo by tommy THE pariah

If you are contemplating the leap to become a solopreneur/entrepreneur, what are your biggest fears? What are you at risk of losing that you currently have? And what do you stand to gain by taking a new path?

If you are a fellow entrepreneur, how did you make the decision to start your own gig? Leave a comment below.

Sir Ken Robinson on Talent and Passion

2009-06-04T06:04:00-06:00

Ready for a humorous, entertaining and educational conversation about talent and passion? The following video is a presentation by Sir Ken Robinson, an expert on creativity. It's over an hour long and well-worth every minute:

Notice his wonderful use of story and then articulation of the main points that lead us to new ideas on old ways of doing things (e.g., education). I also love the discussion about revolution--everything you thought was true is no longer true. A wry commentary on Western society.