Nothing in Particular

Tie Dye

2009-12-03T09:33:39-08:00

Last week at a craft fair there was a person selling tie dye shirts. Tie dye designs attempt to recreate the bright swirls of color you see after prolonged exposure to hazardous chemicals. As a result, when you see a tie dye design, you immediately worry that the building has a gas leak. On more than one occasion, a Grateful Dead fan walking into an office complex has led to an emergency evacuation and a search of the grounds by the fire department.

The Frog and Peach

2009-11-28T17:52:23-08:00

A classic bit from Dudley Moore and Peter Cook.

Hail to the Chief

2009-11-18T17:24:57-08:00

For some reason the media keeps making a big deal out of the fact that President Obama did not get much coverage on Chinese TV while he was visiting China. To be fair, though, I can't imagine the president of China would get much TV coverage here if he visited the US. I don't think the networks would even interrupt "Wheel of Fortune" for that.

TV reporter - "The Chinese president just said he intends to buy the White House and turn it into a really nice Arby's. Shouldn't we be covering that?"

TV producer - "We can't cut away now! That lady just asked to buy a vowel!"

Hockey

2009-11-17T17:15:29-08:00

It seems like, in addition to the sticks, hockey players should be allowed to carry shields. Nothing too unwieldy. Just something with the circumference of a radial tire.

After all, some of those plays get pretty rough. It's like they are re-enacting scenes from "Braveheart". You expect the Zamboni to come out to not just smooth the ice, but also to sweep up blood and severed appendages. It's to the point where you can't believe that high sticking is even considered a penalty anymore. "And Lereaux is given two minutes for decapitating the goalie."

Drug Pushers

2009-11-04T05:58:10-08:00

Many drug commercials nowadays encourage you to ask your doctor about the medicine they are selling.

"The commercial on TV said I was supposed to ask you about Viagra."

"I'm a dentist."

It is becoming so prevalent that any day now I expect to see commercials for not just prescription medications, but illegal drugs as well. "Ask your doctor if crack is right for you." Or maybe it will go the other way and the drug companies will start encouraging viewers to get their products from people who smuggle them across the border. "Ask your drug mule to cough up a baggie of Lipitor for you today."

Getting back to the current ads, I'm just not comfortable throwing out medication suggestions to my doctor. For one thing, I'm not sure his years of medical education and practice are trumped by the fact that I watched a 30 second advertisement during "America's Funniest Home Videos". I mean, I just got through watching a montage of people who accidentally set themselves on fire during wedding receptions. I don't think that qualifies me to start overruling his dosage recommendations.

Wal-Mart Caskets

2009-10-31T12:41:23-07:00

Top 10 Slogans for Wal-Mart's New Line of Caskets:

10 - Now with free flame decals.

9 - Also great for serving dip.

8 - I can't believe it's not cardboard.

7 - Some assembly required.

6 - Conveniently located next to the frozen meats.

5 - It's like you've died and gone to . . . well, Wal-Mart.

4 - The new easy-lock lids seal in the freshness.

3 - Never mind that they look a lot like our large, party coolers.

2 - Try our new 2-for-1 special.

1 - This Christmas get grandma something she can use.

Massages, Flowers, and Questionable Mojo

2009-10-28T08:25:01-07:00

It's difficult for me to bring home flowers for my wife. When I do, our cats eat them and then throw up. It's kind of a mood breaker. I mean, there's a reason that FTD doesn't sell a "Feline Vomit Bouquet". "Want to surprise her this Valentines Day?"

The fact that this has happened repeatedly makes me worry that our cats are experimenting with bulimia.

"You know, Fluffy, I just can't keep the weight off like I used to."

"Have you tried sticking your paw down your throat? It did wonders for Cuddles."

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Recently I got a chair massage. The name makes it sound like they somehow rub you down using office furniture. "Hold still. I'm going to shove the armrest into your neck."

Really though, it is called a chair massage because you sit in a chair for it. This is as opposed to the traditional massages where you lie on what appears to be a modified doctor's examination table. And maybe that was done on purpose. After all, most people are used to the idea that, when they see one of those tables, at some point they will have to remove their pants. You could put one in the food court at the mall and people would start lining up at Subway in their underwear. "Yeah, I'd like a foot long tuna and a hernia exam."

With the chair massage, you don't have to remove any clothing. To me this is a big plus. I'm not what you would call an exhibitionist. If it wouldn't hamper the cleaning process, I would wear a wetsuit in the shower.

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Tonight we ate at one of those family-friendly restaurants, the kind that brings crayons to your table, even if you don't have children. And I realize those places are not seen as establishments of high cuisine, but I really like the food they have. I'll admit, it is not gourmet. Everything comes with a side of fries, even if you only ordered a baked potato. I think even some beverages come with a side of fries.

"Here are your fries, sir."

"But I just stopped in to use the restroom."

It's the kind of place where the menus are laminated. And you know a place is classy when they have menus capable of going through the dishwasher. The menus also have bright, colorful pictures of the food. These photos look better than some shots of our family. In fact, I'm tempted to hire their photographer to do portraits of our son. "We're looking for the beauty and quiet dignity you captured in that shot of the mushroom cheddar burger."

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A friend recently said I had mojo. However, I think you have to be cool to have mojo. Samuel L. Jackson has mojo. I'd be lucky to have mo. And even that might first require a meeting with a loan officer.

Really the only way I could have mojo is if it were a kind of breakfast cereal. "New Kellogg's Mojo: Fortified with vitamins, minerals, and the kind of funky goodness you can only get through witch doctors and banned substances. It stays crispy in milk. Rum too."

Of course, imagine the warning label that would come with. "Warning: It is a crime to transport Mojo across state lines. This cereal has also been banned by the International Olympic Committee."

Marketing Experts

2009-10-20T05:43:23-07:00

Suddenly every other person you meet is a marketing expert.

"I can help you take your brand to the next level."

"OK, but really all I want right now is a side order of fries."

Sometimes they will even declare themselves a marketing guru, which I believe is a marketing expert who occasionally eats Indian food.

Movie review: Where the Wild Things Suck.

2009-10-19T06:13:02-07:00

The dialogue is a transcript of junior high school students who have been exposed to paint fumes. The camera work is done by someone who has frequent seizures.

Late Night Philosophy

2009-10-15T09:00:00-07:00

Both funny and philosophical: