Nothing in Particular

Dressing Warning

2012-01-26T17:53:47-08:00

A bottle of salad dressing that we bought has a bright orange sticker on it that says “Keep refrigerated at all times”. It suggests that the dressing won’t just go bad, but could actually detonate at some point. Suddenly it’s not a condiment, but some sort of IED. “Soldiers in Afghanistan have been warned to be on the lookout for bottles of Parmesan Ranch.”

“Keep refrigerated” means that the item could spoil if not kept cold. “Keep refrigerated at all times” means that you can only bring it to the table with the kind of portable coolers that they use for transporting donated organs.

Tired

2012-01-24T06:17:15-08:00

Our child woke up multiple times last night. As a result, my wife and I are slightly less coherent than someone who has been anesthetized. In fact, you could probably perform major surgery on us and we wouldn’t notice for at least a half an hour. “How long has my chest cavity been open like that?” And maybe small hospitals can use this technique in emergency situations. “Unfortunately our anesthesiologist is out of town, so we are going to prep you for the operation by having you spend the night with our sleep deprivation expert. Bring in little Timmy.”

Airplane Bathrooms

2012-01-22T17:18:09-08:00

An airplane bathroom is essentially a coffin that flushes. In fact, when a plane is going to crash, it is possible that the flight attendants make announcements like, “At this time we would like three of you to get into the lavatories. This way you will be prepared for burial when the salvage crew arrives.”

Sports Meets Entertainment

2012-01-11T13:20:39-08:00

Last night we went to a hockey game. Although professional hockey games feature an excellent display of eye-hand coordination and skating abilities, they also usually have the kind of brutality and physical contact that most parents hope to see at the end of a Disney On Ice show. After sitting through all of that singing and dancing, nothing would make most adults happier than seeing one of the animals get checked against the boards. Or, if instead of using magic to defeat the villain, what if the hero just beat him with a stick?

Clanging in the new year

2012-01-03T14:52:37-08:00

My new column is up on the website of the Cary Citizen.

Kay Jewelers

2011-12-21T10:06:38-08:00

Kay Jewelers has the slogan “Every kiss begins with Kay,” which is a nice way of saying, “You can buy her love.” In fact, it suggests that you have to. “Women who wear Kay jewelry only give affection once you’ve crossed the $150 mark.” Maybe they should change their slogan to “Kay Jewelers: Every kiss begins with a payment plan.”

Sleep Deprivation

2011-12-14T17:15:03-08:00

Our child has been waking up several times a night. As a result, we are a little sleep deprived and might accidentally back our car over one of the neighbors.

“Did I hit the trash can again?”

“I don’t think trash cans scream or spurt blood.”

Vodka And Charity

2011-11-29T12:49:56-08:00

A vodka ad in a magazine said that buying their product would help support a charity. That could really blur the line between philanthropists and alcoholics. “I raised several thousand dollars for charity before my liver gave out.”

They should be given credit, though, for finding a way to put addiction to good use. We can only hope that other groups follow their example. “The Medellin drug cartel announced that December 5th through the 9th they would donate half the profits from all coke sales to charity. So next week remember to lend a nose and snort for the less fortunate.”

The ad featured a picture of a pop music star and the quote, “We’re really making a difference and so can you.” I guess that won out over the slogan “Turn your drinking problem into a drinking solution.” Although, maybe they should have appealed to people’s willingness to sacrifice. “For the cost of just one hangover and a night of vomiting, you can help a worthy cause.”

Holiday Specials

2011-11-25T17:55:56-08:00

Holiday specials you never see - “We Sat Outside A Wal-Mart For Three Days, Charlie Brown”

What's In A Name?

2011-11-23T18:15:43-08:00

I found out today that there is an insurance company named “Chubb”, which I am guessing was named after someone’s overweight basset hound.

“What should we name the company?”

“Hey, Stan. What was the name of that dog you had -- the one that had to go on Jenny Craig?”

They obviously wanted a moniker that would grab people’s attention. “Chubb: We worked hard to come up with the least dignified name in America. Our first choice was banned by the FCC.”