To the countless U.S. veterans who have served this country:
We can never thank you enough.
We can never thank you enough.
WASHINGTON (SR) - Military investigators working closely with the Obama administration have unofficially determined that the deadly shootings at Ft. Hood last week were not a terrorist attack, but rather simply a case of an individual killing people he considered to be infidel enemies in the name of his religion.
An Obama spokesperson cautioned against referring to Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, the gunman, as a Muslim: "Just because this individual was a radical jihadist Muslim doesn't automatically make him a terrorist, any more than the fact he was pro-Al-Qaeda or advocated the killing of U.S. troops."
The spokesperson also stressed that Maj. Hasan's religious training and indoctrination by Anwar al Awlaki, an Al-Qaeda recruiter and radical Muslim imam, had no bearing on Hasan's actions. "Just because your religious leader tells you to kill people, doesn't mean you do it."
My comments: I don't know about you, but I feel better now knowing that radical Muslims operating within our military aren't going to be ostracized for their beliefs/actions.
Let's have a margarita and try not to think about this too much.
PS: Gee, I hope I don't get fatw'd for substituting pubic hair for Anwar's beard and hooters for his eyes (trust me, it's a big improvement). For some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do....
SCOOTER'S REPORT EXCLUSIVE - New evidence is emerging that strongly indicates the recent attack on our country was more than the product of one person's anger or mental illness, but rather a carefully planned and efficiently executed assault involving many.
"This isn't a matter of somebody going crazy, this is the result of a deadly plan conceived by a group of hateful subversives whose only goal is to destroy America and rebuild it in their own demented image," a high-ranking CIA official told our reporter. "These bastards hate everything this country stands for and will go to any lengths to change it."
Officials have yet to publicly identify other individuals that played a part, but say there is substantial evidence that the House health care reform bill voted in on Saturday was the work of "numerous shadowy individuals working within the Democratic Party," besides House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who has taken most of the credit for it.
The bill now goes to the Senate where experts say it faces strong opposition.
My comments: Holy cow! Pelosi, who everybody knows is an enemy of the core values of this country, creates this assault on our health care with the help of God knows who, yet we're surprised when the thing gets passed? Somebody was asleep at the switch and needs to pay for this!
Evidence says Pelosi didn't act alone
WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office said yesterday she would not allow the final language of the House health care bill to be publicly posted for 72 hours prior to the vote, contrary to her statement on September 24 that she would.
An unidentified House member said Pelosi's reason for concealing the final bill from the public wasn't because it still includes unpopular items like "death panels" and coverage for illegal immigrants, but because of its provision for taxpayer funded abortions, and the requirement that every insurance holder pay a monthly premium to fund them.
Despite the inevitable outrage from churches and pro-life individuals who would be among those forced by the government to finance the abortions, Pelosi was determined to include the provision. A source in Pelosi's office said, "We tried to talk her out of it, but Nancy just has a thing for killing babies - I think it's part of her religion or something."
My comments: Let's see if I have this straight: This Godless pinhead works for us, yet she's concealing numerous details of the bill she created for us because she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt we would never stand for it? Really?
As there's probably a law against dipping someone in hot fudge and strapping them to an ant hill (even if they really really deserve it), I guess I'll just have a few margaritas and listen to some music instead.
WASHINGTON (SR) - The Senate Environment and Public Works Committee approved a Democratic climate change bill Thursday requiring any industry that can survive to 2020 under the proposed law reduce their greenhouse gas emissions 20 percent, and for the rest who go bankrupt trying, by 100 percent.
Republicans on the committee unanimously boycotted the bill because of the certainty it would, if passed, drive thousands of companies out of business and crush profits for those that remain, ultimately transforming the U.S. into a fetid slum.
Committee Chairman Barbara Boxer defended the bill on the grounds that "business doesn't much matter when polar bears are catching fire." Boxer colleague Senator Frank Lautenburg also dismissed Republican fears of economic collapse, asking reporters, "What good is having a job if everything's frozen solid and you're so freaking cold you can't hardly move?"
My comments: So is this bill to make things colder or hotter? I don't know about you, but I need an answer from one of these clueless pinheads before I hit the GAP this weekend! Let's have a margarita while we wait for their answer.
Senator Barbara Boxer
Marrakech (SR) - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered millions in aid to the Muslim world Tuesday in an attempt to forge closer ties.
Clinton's speech in Morocco unveiled a new set of aid proposals aimed at building on President Barack Obama's promise to seek favor from the Islamic world through appeasement, huge gifts of U.S. taxpayer dollars, and a pledge of less violence toward Muslims attempting to murder our citizens around the world.
The programs announced include $76 million to build dog parks in Syria, $30 million for message schools in Pakistan, $45 million for Brazilian waxes in Somalia and $87 million for neighborhood feng shui in Libya.
"We are committed to building ladders of opportunity to help develop the enormous talent that resides in the people of this region," Mrs. Clinton said, "In return we pray you will stop killing us."
Later to the delight of her hosts, Mrs. Clinton performed a native belly dance.
My comments: Giving tons of money we don't have to those who wish to murder us sounds like a wonderful strategy, but wouldn't it be easier and cheaper just to kill them? Just saying...
WASHINGTON (SR) - The Obama administration is claiming that most of the embarrassing names on a White House guest list are actually "false positives" - other people who just happen to have the same names.
Released under the threat of an impending lawsuit, visitor names include Reverend Jeremiah Wright, William Ayers, Malik Zulu Shabazz, as well as the usual Marxists, homosexuals, Hollywood actors and directors, atheists, communists, racists, socialists, union leaders, anti war activists, abortion leaders, and radical Muslims.
White House press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the Reverend Jeremiah Wright listed was not the infamous head of the racist church Obama attended for 20 years, but actually a plumber that regularly visits the White House to unclog the First Lady's toilet after "pizza nights."
Gibbs also claimed the William Ayers shown on the list was not the convicted terrorist, but one the President's aunts, and that Malik Zulu Shabazz is the children's elderly Jewish nanny, not the New Black Panther chairman that shares a similar name.
My comments: This sounds OK to me, as I personally know at least ten or eleven Malik Zulu Shabazzes myself.
NEW YORK (SR) - CBS News, a close ally of the Obama administration, is the latest to report on the gathering controversy over the White House's claim that their stimulus plan has saved or created between 160,000 and 1.5 million jobs.
Among several examples given of how the administration had exaggerated or outright fabricated the optimistic numbers was a Cocoa, Florida childcare center that reported 129 jobs created by a stimulus grant. In fact, no jobs were created, as the money was really used to increase the compensation and benefits of 129 existing employees.
In another example, over $400,000 paid out to prostitutes over the last three months by government employees was listed as having created over 10,000 jobs in the Washington DC area. An Obama administration source claims the statistic is "absolutely correct," saying the money went "exclusively for bl*wjobs."
The White House has admitted there may be some errors in their tabulation, but insists that "the success of the stimulus plan is not really dependent on the number of jobs created or saved, but rather how effectively the money is being spent."
My comments: There's nothing to say other than "margarita anyone?"
Editorial by Scooter Van Neuter
(Scooter's Report) - OK, so it's Halloween and time for much of the populace to revel in dark and scary things, because I guess raging unemployment, failing wars, skyrocketing foreclosures, and our society's rapid slide toward atheism and Marxism aren't scary enough.
While I'm personally not into Halloween (I'm a Thanksgiving/Christmas person), I appreciate a good scare as much as anyone. I like some horror movies, have always been a big Stephan King fan, and have even paid money to have people scare me in haunted houses over the years. These things are "good scary."
On the eve of what I'm sure is her favorite holiday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Thursday resurrected from the dead a foul and bloated entity that if adopted, will seize my family and control our very lives, regardless of any desire we may have to be free of it. Once alive nothing can kill it, and as sure as day leads to night this mutating leviathan will cost this country trillions of dollars it does not have, and far worse, take countless human lives while doing so.
Ghosts and zombies are one thing, this health care monster and the Godless beings that created it are something else: Bad scary.
(Scooter's Report) - A prominent automotive site has determined that the government's Cash for Clunkers program actually generated sales of only an additional 125,000 cars out of the 690,000 sold, resulting in an overall net cost to taxpayers of $24,000 per car (!)
In order to determine whether these sales would have happened anyway, Edmunds.com automotive analysts looked at sales of luxury cars and other vehicles not included under the Clunkers program, and concluded that the vast majority of cars sold during the program would have been sold anyway before the end of this year.
Bill Adams, spokesman for the Department of Transportation, defended the Obama administration program, saying, "Hey, we helped dealers move a butt-load of cars, the cost thing doesn't really matter, we're the government."
A spokesman for a large automotive dealers association also strongly defended the program, but suggested next time the government just purchase the new cars for customers to save time and accounting costs.
My comments: I ponied up part of the 24 grand for my neighbor's new Honda? I'm going next door to demand my own set of keys (after a few margaritas, of course).
My stupid neighbor selfishly guards her (and my) new car
WASHINGTON (SR) - During his first nine months in office, President Obama has quietly rewarded scores of top Democratic donors with VIP access to the White House and lavish gifts.
One top donor described in an interview being given a birthday visit to the Oval Office and being allowed to carve his name into the Presidential desk. Another was allowed the use of the Presidential limousine for his son's prom night. Sources say the most popular gift for many high level financial supporters of the Obama campaign has been the free abortion/wine tasting package.
The biggest "reward" event so far was the lavish White House reception for 39 top donors, bundlers ($300K total), and hundreds of their friends on St. Patrick's Day, where the fountains on the North and South Lawns were filled with champagne dyed green, and a pile of "too old" White House furniture was transformed into a large bonfire on the East Lawn. Kanye West and Ludacris provided the entertainment, and police records show 19 people were arrested.
My comments: Wow, I feel like I was shortchanged! All I got for my $200 donation was a photo of Michelle in a thong! (So far no amount of delicious margaritas has been able to wipe that image from my memory. I must try harder...)
Top Obama donors and friends party at the White House
(SR) - Leading authority on global warming, Lord Stern of Brentford, warned that unless there is a dramatic decrease in farting, the earth as we know it is doomed.
In an interview with The TImes, Lord Stern said that people will need to turn vegetarian if the world is to conquer climate change, citing the fact that emissions from cows and pigs create a significant amount of greenhouse gases.
Lord Stern, the author of the influential 2006 Stern Review on the cost of tackling global warming, said that eradicating delicious farm animals is only the first step: "We must bear down on farts," Stern sternly warned. "For example, Rosie O'Donnell and two bean burritos could effectively melt an inch of arctic ice and kill at least one polar bear. This must stop."
My comments: For all his sissy-boy titles, this putz is a moron. Here's my plan: Mix a little Beano in with the cow and pig feed and kill Rosie O'Donnell. World saved.
Thank God margaritas aren't a major contributor to climate change, let's have some while we grill some steaks.
WASHINGTON (SR) - The White House fired another salvo at the Fox News Network Monday morning when Senior Advisor David Axelrod issued a statement accusing the network of "totally fabricating everything they've ever reported concerning anything having to do with Barack Obama or members of his administration." The statement also claims Sean Hannity, the host of a popular Fox News program, is "very possibly a reincarnated convicted pedophile and animal abuser."
While Fox News has yet to issue a formal response to the White House's charges, the network's lead story this morning reports on allegations from an undisclosed Obama administration insider that David Axelrod has been involved in a "drug-fueled" three-way affair with White House Communications Director Anita Dunn and an unidentified bi-sexual porn star, and that Dunn is "likely" pregnant with a child by one of the men.
Fox is also quoting an unnamed source as saying White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel may "conceivably" be the son of the notorious Nazi, Dr. Josef Mengele, known as the "Angel of Death." The story alleges a young Rahm Mengele conducted sadistic experiments on natives in Brazil with his father, before being smuggled into the United States by prominent Democrats and given a new identity.
The White House is expected to respond to these allegations later today.
My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope! Just when you think you know somebody!
It's going to take more than a few delicious margaritas to get the picture of Axelrod and Dunn naked together out of my head!
Young Rahm Mengele/Emanuel?
WASHINGTON (SR) President Obama appeared to be near tears when he told reporters Friday morning that former Vice President Cheney's recent critical comments did not bother him.
"The former Vice President is free to think whatever he wants, but personally attacking me, when I've never done one bad thing to him, is just mean," the President said with a cracking voice and watering eyes. "He's mean and he's a bully and he just needs to stop. Please make him stop."
The President's comments were in response to Cheney's speech Wednesday night where he verbally kicked Obama in the testicles, accusing him of "dithering" with critical troop decisions, repeatedly questioning the President's masculinity, and making fun of First Lady Michelle's "gigantic commie back porch."
The White House later insisted the President was not crying, but simply suffering from an allergic reaction to criticism.
My comments: I do believe Cheney maybe went a little too far when he called the President a "little girl," but the rest was pretty much right on. Un-bunch your panties and grow a pair if you don't want to get picked on, Mary.
WASHINGTON (SR) - Among the nation's pressing issues - wars, raging pandemics, economic calamity, health care reform, etc., by far the biggest story of the day revolves around the question "What the hell is wrong with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius's face?"
Sebelius appeared Wednesday before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee to answer questions concerning the government's H1N1 flu preparations, but the hearing was quickly canceled when many of the senators were too distracted by her bizarre appearance to continue.
Despite some reports that Sebelius recently had a minor surgery on her forehead, several senators expressed fears that she had actually mutated into a zombie-like creature, possibly due to exposure to the H1N1 virus or vaccine. "I had no idea the flu thing was this bad," said an obviously shaken Illinois Senator Roland Burris, "but I'll tell you this, somebody needs to whack that b*tch before she starts eating brains."
My comments: I saw Sebelius on TV and she absolutely scared the crap out of me. Nothing short of a full-blown zombification could produce a face like that. Thank God for margaritas!
Sebelius now a zombie? You decide.
WASHINGTON (SR) - House Democrats are looking at re-branding the public health insurance option as something else, in an attempt to make it more attractive to the American public.
Many Democrats favor re-naming the public option as a variant of Medicare, a program the public is already comfortable with. Suggested names are "Medicare Gone Crazy" (Medicare Part GC), "Medicare But Not Really" (Medicare Part NR), or "Medicare For Morons" (Medicare Part M).
Other Democrats believe the public option would be easier to sell with a name suggesting something more appealing than insurance. A few suggestions put forth are "Zest," "Fresca," "Ferrari," and House Member Barney Frank's choice, "Anal Delight."
The strategy could benefit Democrats struggling to bridge the gap between liberals in their party, who want the public option, and centrists, who are worried it would drive private insurers out of business.
My comments: Hey, you change the name of this steaming pile of socialist pony-loaf from "public option" to "Ferrari," and I'll take some!
Congressman Barney Frank promotes "Anal Delight"
BERKELEY (SR) - A poll released over the weekend shows that only 34 percent of Californians approve of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's job performance, and even a majority of those people would like to see the politician ripped apart by rabid weasels.
The study, conducted by the Field Research Corporation, also showed that 44 percent of the respondents disapproved of her job performance while 22 percent held no opinion, but both groups said they would pay money to see Pelosi filleted like a trout, then set afire.
Democrats overwhelmingly approved of Pelosi's performance by a count of 51-23, but that number was reduced to 25-23 when substance abusers and/or the mentally retarded were factored out.
Republicans overwhelmingly disapproved of her performance: 7 percent approved, 79 percent disapproved, 14 percent said they held no opinion, and all said they would give everything they own to see Pelosi tormented by a gang of Jehovah Witnesses while being sexually abused by giant hamsters, then deep fat fried and fed to bloated, ill-tempered toy poodles.
The study polled 1,005 Californians by phone from Sept. 18 to Oct. 5.
Comments: Wow, she's more popular than I thought! Let's toast crazy Aunt Nancy's popularity with a cool, delicious margarita!
WASHINGTON (SR) - After weeks of what some have called foot-dragging, President Obama has pledged to commit whatever resources are needed to defeat the enemy.
In a statement read by White House Press Secretary Robert GIbbs to reporters Monday, President Obama said he "could no longer sit idly by as an emboldened and savage foe attempts to erode our hard-fought gains." Gibbs said the President is "prepared to invest whatever manpower and money is needed to decisively win this war."
While Democrats cheered the President's move, most Republicans were outraged. Congressman Joe Wilson called Obama's declaration of war against Fox News "mind-numbingly idiotic" and implored the President to commit the same energy and resources to defeating our real enemies overseas, saying, "Even an ex-crackhead community organizer from Chicago should identify the Taliban as a more serious threat than Megyn Kelly."
My comments: It's nice to see the President finally ready to fight an enemy - too bad it's a TV station. Maybe the Taliban should start covering Barry's health care proposal.
I suggest we have a margarita and try to not to think about this too much.
CHICAGO (SR) - Incredibly, 115 out of the 800 girls attending Chicago's Robeson High School are pregnant. Parents and school administrators are looking at underlying factors in the community that may be responsible.
Despite classes dealing with abstinence and birth prevention, the number of girls getting pregnant continues to increase at an alarming rate. Many point to the number of absentee fathers at home as a key factor, along with a lack of communication between parents and teens. "It can be a lot of things that are happening in the home or not happening in the home, if you will," said on teacher.
While high teen pregnancy rates are not that uncommon in some depressed inner city areas, The Englewood community where Robeson High is located is better than many, thanks primarily to area renewal efforts spurred by former President Bill Clinton establishing his new Midwest office next door to the high school earlier this year.
My comments: Is it just me or does it seem like nothing but bad news comes out of Chicago? It's almost like the city is some kind of gateway to Hell or something...
Let's enjoy a delicious margarita and be glad we're not in Chicago.