One of our recent BT participants shared a question on Facebook that a lot of us have pondered. Here is the question she asked:

 "... it simply amazes me how people can live their life in total denial...how long can you live in a fantasy world before the real world SMACKS you in the face?"

While she was asking me in particular, I've seen that question a lot and asked it myself. Here is how I responded to her:

 "Denial is a powerful illusion. It's so looks like lying from the outside but inside it there is a kind of blindness that is described in Scripture as darkness. Some of us learned to have a high tolerance of pain and can stay in it longer. For some the only alternative imagined his death (not simply physical but emotional loneliness). It lasts until it stops working!"

For some of us, putting scripture together with modern psychological terms like "denial" seems awkward at best. But unless we can coordinate some of the first century language with our contemporary terminology we can't bring to bear the healing power of Scripture into our real world. But denial is as old as humanity and a significant barrier to spiritual wholeness.

This morning, as I was thinking about the Really Good News of Christmas, I came across a passage of Scripture that addresses the question of denial is a powerful way. The setting is the Gospel of John where Jesus is addressing Nicodemus, a respected religious teacher, who is standing making eye contact with the Creator and Redeemer of the universe and as blind as a bat to that reality. Here's how Jesus describes the power of denial:

"This is the crisis we are in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light sold the work can be seen for the God-work it is."

It is important to not see denial is simply something done by evil people, but rather it is the natural environment where evil thrives. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism and we've all used it, but rarely has it ever made anyone more healthy emotionally or spiritually. Nicodemus is a personal example of why Christmas - the Incarnation of Christ - was critical to all humanity:

What came into existence was Life,

    and the Life was Light to live by.

The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;

    the darkness couldn't put it out.... 

The Life-Light was the real thing:

    Every person entering Life

    he brings into Light.

He was in the world,

    the world was there through him,

    and yet the world didn't even notice.

He came to his own people,

    but they didn't want him.

But whoever did want him,

    who believed he was who he claimed

    and would do what he said,

He made to be their true selves,

    their child-of-God selves.

These are the God-begotten,

    not blood-begotten,

    not flesh-begotten,

    not sex-begotten.

By Word became flesh and blood,

    and moved into the neighborhood.

We saw the glory with our own eyes,

    the one-of-eight-kind glory,

    Like Father, like Son.

Generous inside and out,

    True from start to finish.

by Shannon Landrum

- By Mark Hanson

It has been my privilege to experience much during these two week deployments to Ashland, Ohio, for classes. Let me share one with you. One critical element of my DMin program has been “sanctifying the imagination” and practicing the presence of Jesus. What this entails is setting apart our imagination for God to speak to us and coming into the presence of Jesus where he can speak to us and minister to us. There is more to it but that will work for now. During one of these times, we were invited to ask Jesus how he shows us he loves us. This was done in a group setting but it was personal: “Jesus, how do you show me you love me?” Then we were to sit and wait for his answer. I waited. I then received my answer…Hostess Cake Donuts and Milk.

Let me unpack this for you. A couple days before we did this exercise, I was talking with Cheri, one of the prayer partners for the professor. Someone had brought Hostess powered donut gems as a snack that day. My conversation with Cheri centered around donuts and how much we enjoyed those powered little gems. I shared with her that I really liked the Hostess Cake Donuts with a glass of milk. The next day, I saw on the snack table Hostess Cake Donuts and a jug of milk in ice. Cheri saw me standing there with my mouth hanging open and asked me if those were the right ones. Cheri had felt impressed to get some and blessed me “a little slice of heaven” as I like to call it. 

Back to the exercise, I am in the presence of Jesus and have asked him how he shows me he loves me. I am waiting for his answer. It seems like an eternity goes by. Then he answers…Hostess Cake Donuts and a glass of milk. I started laughing. I thought it was a simple kind gesture that came out of a conversation. Little did Cheri know that God used her to show me that he loves me.

I would like to have Hostess Cake Donuts in the house all the time but that would be detrimental to my health. I can ask God to sanctify my imagination and then meet with Jesus at the table and see him and me breaking donuts together. Doing so reminds me of God’s love for me. 

So, how does God show you He loves you? I invite you to ask Jesus to sanctify your imagination and ask him how he shows you he loves you. Then wait for the answer. I pray you will be amazed at what you discover. 

First, Croc shoes had to go and now elevators. What's next? Oy vey!

Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, 99 year old influential Orthodox scholar, declared in September that Jews could not wear Crocs shoes on Yom Kippur because they were deemed too comfortable for the somber fasting holiday. Sounds like an advertisers dream "Our shoes outlawed on Sabbath for being too comfortable!"

For decades Orthodox Jews living in high-rise buildings have had access to specially designed "Sabbat elevators" to violate Sabbath observation.

For decades Orthodox Jews living in high-rise buildings have had access to specially designed "Sabbat elevators" to violate Sabbath observation. The elevator works going up and down; stopping at every floor, stopping at alternative floors, or rising to the top floor and stopping while going down without anyone having to push any buttons. Now, he has ruled that while the riders push no button, the weight of the passengers still increases the amount of electricity required to power the lift, thus violating Jewish law. Rabbiis have long approved exceptions for other essentials like using timers on lights and special hot plates that are turned on before Sabbath and off after.

Can you imagine the challenges faced by Orthodox Jewish families living on the 10th or 20th floors of a New York skyscraper? 

Thank you Jesus for the freedom of now no condemnation and freedom. 

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." -Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

BT alumnus and encourager, Brad Hill, recently posted on his blog a very insightful observation about how we can be blind to the love we have by looking at what we perceive others are receiving. I can certainly identify when I've been blind to the love I had by thinking "I'd rather have what they have." See if you can identify:

What I’m trying to get you to do is to relax” -Jesus

We have 2 dogs. Brodie is a “larger” beagle and Truman is a “shih-poo”. A couple of weeks ago I’m in the house…walked into the bedroom and both dogs are on the bed looking for affection. (A little background on the dogs. Brodie…very compassionate…very cuddly. Truman…fiery…inferiority complex. You get the picture.) I begin patting Brodie. With my other hand I start patting Truman. Both hands patting each individual dog. Perfect, right? They can be content, relax, all that, right? Not so much. Brodie is looking at Truman being patted and wanting that. Truman is looking at Brodie being patted and wanting that. Crazy. Both of them are not fully aware of the affection they’re getting…see the other’s “affectious” moment…want that to happen. 

My friend, Paul Fitzgerald would say “How does that mirror your life?”

How much energy do we spend seeking a love, a worth, that we already have but don’t see?

How many unhealthy roads have we gone down because we didn’t know we were loved as we are, where we are?

What does it look like to really relax?

Jill’s drive, to her knowledge, has always been there. There are signs stating otherwise though. The constant late hours at work. The restless nights. The lack of laughter. The lack of fun….of joy. The lack of meaningful relationships. She would say she has no time for these things. But maybe…maybe, it’s because she knows the road that’s ahead if she begins to “give” time there…the dominoes fall. “I, at least, appear to have everything together now.” Is that what life is really about? Impression management? Those questions lurk just beneath the surface. Where do they lead? “I can’t manage that!” Really lonely places. Her father’s voice “Get yourself together” whispers in the muddled distance within. On and on and on. What does it look like to relax here? Not the “ignore everything and pretend to relax” relax, but….breathe deep….relax…in the depths of your heart….relaxed. Free…easy….loved…enough….knowing who you are.

Listen to me, you are loved by love itself. The God (Papa, Son, Spirit) that is love has always loved you, will always love you, and you can take that to the bank. There’s nothing…nothing you can do to change that. If you let that root deep inside and let the light of that dive deep in the dark places, then you can live relaxed. Peaceful. It’s a tough journey, I don’t think any of us ever really complete the journey per se in this life, but it’s learning to live relaxed in love, by love, with the heart of love within. It’s shining the light on the “impression management” model and knowing that “love” that has to be bought is really no love at all. You lose your soul in the price…in the sell.

“What does it profit a man to gain all the world offers and forfeit who he essentially is?” -Jesus

It sounds so simple to say “I am loved by Love”. It can seem trite. But it’s a treasure that has to be taken to the depths of our abyss. To the lies of our darkness. To the pain and unfinished business of our lives. To the sunken ships that we’ve tried to convince ourselves are inconsequential and don’t affect us. That’s where light shines brightest. That’s where love beats loudest. That’s where life comes truly alive and awakening happens. So be it!

“I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me

Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now

Oh, oh
You know your name so punch it in
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Then don’t move or say a thing.”
-U2 “Unknown Call

Wayne Jacobsen's sharing of "Living Loved in Father's Grace" on is available as a free podcast.

Dr. C. Baxter Kruger's sharing"Dancing With the Trinity: Living Loved and Loving Life" is available as a free podcast.  

If you loved the God of grace that you read about in The Shack or that people say they encounter for the first time in attending BreakThrough, then you will relish the teaching of both Wayne and Baxter. - Dr. Paul

They are now available for either listening online or to download as mp3 files and listen offline. You can find them at www.talkradio.com using this link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/49394  Use this iTunes button or search for "HeartConnexion Radio" on iTunes as a podcast.
 

"Dancing With the Trinity: Living Loved and Loving Life" was the theme of Dr. C. Baxter Kruger's presentation October 16 & 17, 2009 for the HCM Community in KC. 

The sessions were recorded and divided into 7 sessions for more convenient listening. They are now available for either listening online or to download as mp3 files and listen offline. You can find them at www.talkradio.com using this link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/49394

If you have iTunes, you can download the audios as podcasts and subscribe to the HeartConnexion Radio podcast to receive updates as new programs are added. Use this iTunes Button  

Dr. C. Baxter Kruger, theologian, writer and fishing lure designer is the Director of Perichoresis Ministries. He and his wife Beth have been married for 27 years and have 4 children.

Baxter earned his Doctor of Philosophy from Kings College, Aberdeen University in Aberdeen, Scotland under Professor James B. Torrance. He is the author of 7 books, including The Great Dance, Jesus and the Undoing of Adam and Across All Worlds: Jesus Inside Our Darkness. His books are available for order through HCM Amazon.com Store.

He is an avid outdoorsman and holds two United States patents for his fishing lure designs. He is the founder and President of Mediator Lures.

Baxter builds on the Early Church Father's understanding of the extravagant love of the Trinity. Rather than spirituality being about "doing enough" to change God's mind about us, it is about discovering the false image we paint on God. In practical terms he shares how the heart of God is about us discovering the joy of everyday living as a dance into which the Trinity invites everyone.

Have you ever dialoged with God? Did you expect a direct answer?

I recently posted a "Homework Challenge" on Facebook for my BreakThrough Friends: "Three pages on how living my contract can continue to change my life." I did not expect many responses but for one person it became the source of another BreakThrough. She gave permission to share it with the HCM Community.

Here is her gut-level dialog with Father:

Friday night-midnight:
What do you do when your contract feels like a bunch of words on paper? When it is not etched into your heart nor has ANY meaning? You turn to Papa and ask Him for guidance. This is exactly what I did tonight. I cried out to Him asking Him to show me what it means to live loved and love life. I cried because I do not feel that love and am leading a life that feels so loveless.

From the outside, it appears I have so much love in my life. I have a husband who adores me and kids who think I am pretty cool too. I believe there is a heart connection with my boys that I have so longed for from my own parents. So again, I asked Papa, why don’t I feel it? What is it about me that does not allow the love to come in, to experience it to its fullest?

It was not something I did or did not do. It is the result of so many years of not feeling loved early in life, not being hugged, not being told how precious I was, not being kissed goodnight, and especially for not being able to express my emotions without some serious consequences.I used to blame my parents for all of these things that I did not receive; however, I have come to the realization there are things that they could not and can not give me.

I have stood up for myself and felt compelled to share some things with my mom. I have asked for support in sharing my emotions. These requests were not met with open arms. There were no harsh words but rather subtle phrases or gestures to let me know, "NOPE, I can not do that." While sharing a difficult experience and the resulting emotions with my mom, she proceeded to tell me that my reaction was wrong and that I needed to see things the same way she did. She debated the issue with me rather than taking her daughter into her arms and telling her that everything was going to be okay. As I met my professional goals, I would call my dad to tell him how I was doing things at work. I would ask for his advice. Then one day I realized that he never called me to ask how things were going, it was always me calling fishing for the words, "I am so proud of you." I have since stopped calling.

My parents came from a very difficult upbringing, which very much explains their behavior. I have come to realize that they can not give me the one thing I have wanted more than anything else, their approval and unconditional love. For that, I give them grace.

So where does that leave me now? I now have a family of my own. I met my husband over 20 years ago. I remember on our first date he genuinely took interest in my major and wanted me to explain to him exactly what I wanted to do for work once I finished my degree. Our first date started that way and he has taken a vested interest in me ever since. We have been through a lot together; a bicycle accident that almost cost him his life, three miscarriages and another loss of a child, living off nothing while my husband went back to school, the birth of our boys and balancing our careers and family life for the boys. Picture perfect, right? Here is the question I have asked Papa tonight and many times before, "If my life is so great, why am I so sad?" I know I have depression but there is more to it than that. So I threw it back to Papa and that is when He told me about the hole in my soul.

Saturday 7:00:
I just finished a 5 miles walk with the dogs with some good music. My mind was "pacing" the entire time I was walking. I asked Papa, about the hole in my soul. What is missing? Has it ever been filled? Papa nudging me that I have never let Him all the way in. "Heck, you have never let anyone completely in." Well of course I have not let anyone in; my heart has been broken so many times in the past.

"Has your husband ever stomped on it?" NO

"Have I ever stomped on it?" I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LET YOU IN BECAUSE OF WHAT I HAD DONE.

"Has your husband ever placed conditions on you?" NO.

"Have I ever placed conditions on you?" NO.

"Have you ever placed conditions on you?" ALL THE TIME.

"Why do you do that?" BECAUSE THERE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CONDITIONS. THERE ARE STILL CONDITIONS ON ME. OLD HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK.

"What do you want?" I WANT TO BE CONTENT WITHIN THE SADNESS. I FEEL LIKE THE SADNESS IS NEVER GOING AWAY. I STRUGGLE WITH THAT. WHEN SOMETHING HAS NOT BEEN RIGHT, I HAVE ALWAYS FIXED IT. I CAN’T FIX THIS. YOU KNOW I HAVE TRIED. BECAUSE OF THE SADNESS, I DON’T FEEL LOVED AND I AM NOT LIVING LIFE. I DON’T FEEL LIKE A STRONG, COURAGEOUS FREE WOMAN BECAUSE I AM WEIGHED DOWN BY THE SADNESS. I BLAME THE SADNESS FOR THE HOLE. I KNOW I AM BLESSED AND I FEEL SO MUCH LOVE FOR MY FAMILY BUT EVEN THEIR LOVE FOR ME DOES NOT FILL THE HOLE. I TURN TO OTHER PEOPLE TO TRY TO EXPLAIN THE HOLE OR MAYBE I WANT THEM TO FILL IT FOR ME. MAYBE THE BARRIER I HAVE CREATED DOES NOT LET ANYTHING INSIDE.

"Daughter, gradually let the barrier down with me. Let’s see what happens together. It is okay to feel all the things you do. They are your emotions. Don’t let anyone try to talk you out of them. When they do, they are not allowing you to feel what you are feeling, experience and learn what to do with it. You have experienced everyone else telling you what to do with your emotions and have had little opportunity to know what they really are. That is the hole in your soul. There are no conditions with me. Living your contract is a lot for you right now. You have taken the time to understand where all these emotions are coming from; now it is time to feel them, touch them, live them. Take them in one at a time. Don’t worry about being overwhelmed by them; just experience each feeling that comes your way. Remember I am right here by your side."

Sunday 5:00:
I decided to look at my contract again after the weekend of reflection. I am a STRONG, COURAGEOUS, FREE woman.

STRONG- Strong enough to overcome the pain. Strong enough to withstand the hurt that has happened. Strong enough to forgive others. Strong enough to forgive myself. Strong enough to never give up.

COURAGEOUS- Courageous enough to stand up for what I believe in. Courageous to see my way through the tough times. Courageous to do what is right, even when that is the harder way.

FREE- Free of the guilt, free of the shame, free of the self hatred, free to live my life the way I want, not the way others want me to live.
The words don’t seem so meaningless. They are more than words to me now. Last year during BT, I remember the words meant strong enough to still be standing even though I felt weak. Courageous enough to speak out to everyone what I considered my deepest secret and Free of the burden of that secret. In a year’s time, I see now that the words have more than just one meaning. The words may stay the same but the meaning changed significantly.
 
Monday-9:00am:
Fear of the unexpected keeps me from truly living loved and loving life. Fear that I will fall and never get up, fear that the sadness will never leave, fear that I will not live life to its fullest potential.

TRUST that Papa will carry me past all my fears. I have a tendency to only let Him in so far. I believe it is because I don’t know how to receive His love or others love well. When I spend that quiet time with Him, my mind starts to wonder. I feel like I hit a brick wall that I have to make an effort to tear it down. I don’t let Him into my heart. Is Papa going to break my heart? I doubt it. Is He going to be a disappointment? Probably not. I really do not know what it feels like to have someone take care of me, someone like a parent. My husband takes care of me but on a different level. I have wished for that for so long and only lately realized how much I have missed it. Instead of fearing what that relationship might look like, why not just jump in with both feet and experience it? When I took the job, I put all my trust in Him and look what has happened. I asked Him to care for my children and He has. I have asked Him to watch over my husband and He is taking care of him too. So why can’t He take care of me?

Monday 9:00pm:
I don’t believe God tests people. Being tested seems like a set up to me. I think He gives people an opportunity. Today, I was given an opportunity to go to Him when I was troubled and I did. I went to Him when I had to make some tough decisions. I went to Him when I was anxious and He calmed me. Chances are I will be troubled and anxious again, but I will go to Him every time and let him be PAPA. Papa wants me to live loved and love life.

Come to think of it, I want that too.

Stepping away from unwinnable games requires making a difficult choices. Therein lies one of the key benefits of having a personal coach. Remember, “You can’t heal or change what you do not acknowledge”? It’s hard to see how we are creating our own unwinnable games. An effective coach can help you sort out the games most important to you and make winning them faster and easier than you can by yourself.

Are you playing a big game that's important to not lose or settling for games you know you can't lose? Your choice. 

If you want to play a Bigger Life Game let me know and we'll explore how that could happen. 

Here's a challenge if you dare:

Although every human being is a universe within their very being...

some hardly dare explore outside the bare house they grew up in. 

A few travel to the edge of their inner town, 

fewer still to other cities. 

But is rare to find one 

that has lifted from the ground 

to set sail for places undiscovered. 

Fly high.

- Paul Young, author of The Shack, written to Kent Burgess in response to Kent's blog post People Who Make Me Think .... In Different Ways

I was describing to a friend, Kent Burgess, how a lot of people have self-described where they were before attending our BreakThrough Seminar. If you've attended you know that many talk about having "lost themselves trying to please everyone else" and being "stuck in living life." Losing one's self is a high price to pay. Fortunately, that is not where people are when they complete BreakThrough! If you are there, you don't have to be. If you are back there, you don't have to stay. Kent said it reminded him of lyrics from a song by an artist I am learning to love, Bruce Cockburn. The song is Pacing the Cage. Here's the lyrics Kent quoted and a link to the song. "I've proven who I am so many times The magnetic strip's worn thin And each time I was someone else And every one was taken in"

Kent's Blog Faithfully Dangerous

What kind of a God do you need? Sure, we all want One who makes us healthy, wealthy and wise (along with all the people we care about). We imagine One who gives us exemption from all the ordinary problems of life and logical answers to all of our questions.  Some churches actually that market that kind of God and attract quite a crowd by offering an escape from reality.

Personally, I want a God who is with me in all the darkness that life throws my way. One who is there as a "present help in times of trouble." Not one I have to call to come from where ever He (They) is/are to where I am. Isn't that Jesus said the Holy Spirit would be another Advocate with us forever (John 14:16, 17)? Yet, how often have I prayed in my darkness "God, where are you? It's time for you to show up." - as if He was not present. 

That misses the whole meaning of the Incarnation - God with us - Emmanuel - lowering Himself to become like us forever (the enfleshment of Christ was not a temporary condition that he could discard like a dirty suit when He ascended. He still sits inside our same skin.)

Here is a description of the God I need - and the One we all have:

Any gift Christ has for me depends on this, that he became poor. I need a God to heal the trouble of my life, but a God remote, inapprehensible, is no God for the heart. He may have all the fulness of strength and wisdom and love, but if these cannot display themselves they might as well have no existence. Wisdom does not sit apart from life, but proves itself wisdom by entering into affairs and guiding them to worthy issues. And love, also, is no abstraction; it shows itself in loving, entering into conditions which are foreign to it in order to prove its quality. It takes upon itself burdens which are not its own, it throws aside every privilege and restriction, and plunges into the thick of common life. All that is in God could not be known without an incarnation. Quoted in The Person of Christ H.R. Mackintosh, T. F. Torrance T&T Clarke Publishers, 2000

When I look into the face of Jesus Christ and see the face of God, I know that I have not seen that face elsewhere and could not see it elsehow, for he and the Father are one. H. R, Mackintosh The Person of Christ 

Wish I had said that! 

Dr. Paul

Theology discussions always involve assumptions that makes clear answers challenging. To address one part requires dealing with many other areas. For example, here the first part of Adam's question:

Dr. Paul: "The OT and NT Scriptures speak often of the anger and wrath (thumos) of God(Romans 1:18) and the "judgment" of God (Romans 2:5) and eternal punishment. Granted in my view these passages refer to non believers. But do you teach and address these attributes of God?

For example, Adam's phrase "eternal punishment" likely assumes that the primary meaning is "everlasting, without an end, or forever." And the same applies to "eternal life." I now see the meaning not primarily about a permanent state but about a quality of life beginning here and now. What is eternal life? Jesus' links it to a quality of relationship, "And this is eternal life, that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." John 17:3 (NSV) "Know" here is not about facts but intimate experiential knowing.

The early church Fathers assumed that of the characteristic unselfish loving, pure and dynamic relationship among the members of the Trinity was the essential nature of holiness and righteousness. Later theologians shifted to a legal definition of holiness, purity and righteousness.  John's "God is love" was twisted into "Yes, but God is just" and then "God must be just and justice requires punishment."

Today I am amazed and shocked that I believed that and at the same time read Jesus' description of the Father as the farmer who paid the late-hired workers the same wages as those who worked all day. Was that just? There was the humiliated father who danced his son home as if he'd never left. Was that just? I even missed that after elder brother attacked the father for being unjust and refused to come to the party, the father lets him off scott free to stew in his own anger. The brother had to sit in the hell he created for himself; a hell in which he heard the sounds of  joy, laughter and music to which he had a full invitation. Now that's punishment - but self-inflicted, not father-inflicted.

My answers will create interesting dialog.  I am creating, AudaciousGrace.org, to post answers there. Some may be comforting and others may seem quite dangerous. What I know is that "unlearning" is much more difficult than learning.

Grace and Peace
Dr. Paul

Larry King recently interviewed R&B singer Chris Brown along with his attorney and his mother after a judge gave him a sentence of 5 years probation and six months of community service for assaulting Rihanna, his girl friend at the time. 

It is an interesting interview for several reasons but I found the following exchange amazing. Remember, his mother, Joyce Hawkins, was sitting there with him. She  just tol dKing about how shocked she was that her son did this thing:

King: What do you think caused you to be violent? I mean, you have to think about it. Everybody -- we all think about ourselves -- why did I lose my temper, why did I get angry over this

Brown: I mean, that's relationships. I wouldn't say it's OK. I think, just in relationships in general, there's chances where you lose your temper or like arguments get heated or whatever the case may be. I'm not saying domestic violence is a part of relationships.

I feel like that we're young. We're both young. So nobody taught us how to love one another. Nobody taught us a book on how to control our emotions or our anger. I'm not trying to fall on the fact that I'm young. I'm just saying it's a lot of stuff that I wish I could have changed that night.   [Bold emphasis mine]

If you've been to BT and heard my shame lecture [or as a TA have sat through it several times] you may recall that there are two complimentary shame defense strategies that may be involved here: Attack Self and Attack Other. The Attack Other defense includes a willingness to accept abuse from others. "I don't like myself and I have people in my life who treat me that way." The Attack Other defense includes rage that can spiral out of control into violence. This person needs someone who will tolerate their rage, sarcasm and put-down attacks. 

Why do people stay in painful relationships? Often because it is consistent with the way they deal with internalized-shame issues.

Best wishes to both of them. I can't imagine he'll need it after his mother realizes what he really said about how he was raised.

This has to go in the Duh? Department. It seems surprising to researchers that put-downs among High School students is quite high. Just as surprising it seems:

The study from the University of Illinois suggests dealing with classmate put-downs can make it harder for good students to learn and make it more difficult for students who are behind to catch up.

After surveying 10,000 students in 650 school systems they found that one in five reported suffering verbal put downs by peers. [Apparently the study did not ask about teacher/administrator put downs.]

Here's the statement I found shocking:

"I think it's sort of a wake-up call for a lot of us that this kind of verbal harassment is going on in schools, and it's contributing to a learning environment that is quite disruptive for kids," said Christy Lleras, a University of Illinois assistant professor of human and community development, who worked on the study.

Where have they been and what schools did they attend that this the degree is a "wake-up call" and that it negatively impacts learning? It's the one of the most challenging experiences of shame because you are supposed to laugh at your own wounding. If you don't then you are open for more shaming in a "blame the victim" situation.

Here's the link to the article in CNN.com http://edition.cnn.com/2009/US/09/03/high.school.put.downs.study/

The interaction of mind and body is well known but not as well understood. Sometimes it seems that it is physical illness that leads to emotional distress and then at other times just the opposite. Amy Kiel, a recent participant in BT, shared the following very vulnerable reflection about her journey on her blog Una Vita Bella with the title New Armor.

Amy is a passionate advocate for suicide prevention and knows the depth of that kind of depression. You can follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Abeeliever.  Thank you Amy.

You may know someone who could benefit from her story and her sharing about attending BreakThrough.

Revisiting the past, recalling the memories, it reminds me of how much growth has occurred. I was just listening to parts of an interview I did about 9 months ago. In this interview I recount the details of receiving the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia approximately 4 years ago as well as the darkest depression I sunk into as a result. I discuss details of my suicide attempt and share the need for suicide prevention.

It is odd to listen to yourself tell a story like that…it is eerie in ways.

I absorbed some of the gravity of the topic this time as I listened. Often times I detach as I talk about these things, otherwise I suppose it would be too painful. What I heard reminded me of the seriousness of the things I have dealt with, none more serious than what you may be struggling with, but seriously painful memories to me. Instead of feeling a need to run, or to avoid, I can embrace it. There is a danger in that, though, for I certainly do not want to find my identity solely through my pain. But I can embrace the person that has emerged from the darkness of my struggles.

After the darkness of depression, chronic pain, trauma, etc. I have emerged more whole, more accepting of the person that I am. It is possible that I might find myself battling some of these same issues tomorrow, but I am changed now. I have new armor, new weapons to go to battle with, and a new battle plan that I did not have before. I have a new courage within… oh wait… for a moment my mind tried to tell me that isn’t true…but it is! I am victorious over pain because I can choose to have a different experience.

Today I struggled. I physically felt sluggish and a little bit useless. Right now even I am working to keep myself focused on my worth, and to not focus on the fact that I have remained in my pj’s all day. So here is how it goes in my brain…”You are worthless, you accomplished nothing.” My response is: “That is a lie. The truth is: I am loved and valuable just for being me, it doesn’t matter what I do or what task I complete. I am loved simply because I am.”

I could have told myself these same lines a few months ago, but something happened in my life that made it possible to believe. I experienced true grace. I experienced what it feels like to rest in that place of knowing, that place of knowing that I am loved, no matter what. It was a moment in time like no other and a feeling of complete joy and peace. I will not let go of it, I will hold on and remember it well. I experienced this at BreakThrough. I know I have mentioned this previously, but I must share that I can only say these things I say today because of that experience. God blessed me greatly at BreakThrough, and although I am not paid or rewarded to endorse, I want to encourage you if you are in a dark place to consider this seminar series as a possibility for you. Connect with me, ask me about it, and I will share with you what I can.

It would be wrong of me to hide this gift that exists, it is the gift of grace and the freedom from shame. This gift is so magnificent that I encourage you to go after it with all means necessary! You deserve it, because you are.

Years ago I was sleepless in Kansas and just pulled a Greek history off the shelf thinking it would surely put me to sleep. Instead, I read an amazing story.

A ancient and poor Greek village experienced the death of one of the wives by suicide. Life was very hard and depression is an ancient problem. Over the next few months there were several more village wives who also took their own life. It had to be a very painful experience for everyone the whole community watching the procession to the funeral pyre where the body would be burned.

[ASIDE: Let me interject here that the choice to take one's life is a complicated and challenging to understand. One of the common mis-understandings is that it represents "losing control." That perhaps suggests the degree we worship the idea of control. My observation has been that suicide is very often the ultimate form of control. It does not really change the external circumstances being faced (and often experienced as overwhelming) but at least I won't be here to be exposed as powerless or humiliated. The recent suicides by money managers who were fooled into recommending clients invest in Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme is perhaps an illustration.]

Back to the Greek story:

Something had to be done to stop the loss of village wives! The small population provided only so many options for marriage and this was becoming a crisis. So, men did what men do in a patriarchal society - they called a meeting of men to discuss what to do.

After a long day of debate and discussion they passed a decree: Anyone (female or male) who took their own life would be carried through the village naked on the way to the funeral pyre!

The author reported that it worked. After all the Greek statuary that portrayed the ideal body image, who would what to be compared to that? The imagined shame of being seen naked by other villagers was enough to scare life into them rather than out of them. 

Instead of thinking "I'd rather die than ....." it became "I'd rather live than be seen naked by neighbors."

Now, I think I'll take a nap.

Recently, I was asked two questions about the nature of shame that overlap:

Amy Keil asked, "Dr. Paul, what is your definition of shame?" Then Greg Keefer asking about my understanding about Phillip Garrido's (the kidnapper recently arrested in CA) statement that he had never felt an adequate amount of shame for the crimes he committed against children but since a recent conversion as a Christian he how feels the appropriate amount of shame. "Is this good shame?"

[HAVE YOU SEEN "UP"? Watch Doug's "cone of shame."]

Here's some additional news report about Garrido:

The case broke after Garrido was spotted Tuesday with two children as he tried to enter the University of California, Berkeley, campus to hand out religious literature. Officers said he was acting suspiciously toward the children. They questioned him and did a background check, determined that he was a parolee and informed his parole officer.... People who knew Garrido said he became increasingly fanatic about his religious beliefs in recent years, sometimes breaking out into song and claiming that God spoke to him through a box. … In April 2008, Garrido registered a corporation called Gods Desire at his home address, according to the California Secretary of State. During recent visits to the showroom, Garrido would talk about quitting the printing business to preach full time and gave the impression he was setting up a church....

It would be hard to not feel that anyone doing what Garrido is alleged to have done would not likely be a sociopath. That is, someone who lacks the ability to have appropriate shame and guilt about their actions. The sociopath seems to lack the ability to experience sympathy or empathy or healthy spritual "awe" since they are the center of their universe and answerable to no one. When is a " religious conversion" really "genuine" and can it be just another expression of being a sociopath? I plan to post an article about the  nature of religious conversion as I have come to understand it soon but for now I the second part of the question is more important. I don't know Mr. Garrido and I can't comment specifically on him but will make some general observations

Let's face it, there are lots of people who think that religion is a mental illness. Putting that position aside, it is quite common for people diagnosed with schizophrenia to express having religious delusions. One study observed that the delusion is generally about having a "special" relationship with God. They hear God giving them special messages - sometimes to inflict serious injury to themselves or to others. Other common messages they claim to hear is God is depending on them to pray excessively, go to church often, read their Bible or to stop taking medication because it hinders their praying. It's not up to me to be the judge but Garrido's reported behavior before and after his "conversion" seems to suggest it is likely a function of whatever mental state that let him do make these tragic choices.

Part of challenge in defining shame is its paradoxical nature. We use the same word in English (shame) to mean "having a sense of shame" as well as total humiliation. Having a "sense of shame" is critical for choosing our moral standards ["I would be ashamed if anyone thought that I would ever _______."] Without a sense of shame we have limited inhibitions and poor boundaries. When people do things that violate our moral boundaries we often offer "They ought to be ashamed" meaning they don't seem to have a sense of shame. 

An appropriate "sense of shame" would be an expression of healthy shame. There are people whose degree of shame sensitivity leads them to becoming overly sensitive to doing either something wrong or not doing enough good. The religious term is "having compunction of heart" that leads to repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation but an unhealthy compunction does not lead to peace but anxiety.

The model of shame that makes sense to me suggests that it is an innate affect present at birth. As such, it's easy to imagine that there may be a genetic factor in the degree of shame sensitivity in each person. It could be interfered with by illnesses affecting brain development. There are cultural, social and environmental experiences that impact our development of values which in turn directs our our sense of shame. That is the raw "affect" wired into our brain turns into an emotion as it acquires life experience and a history.

One more out-of-the-box suggestion: guilt is not an innate affect like shame. The experience of guilt requires learning that something is bad or wrong before making that choice a source for feeling guilty. Thus one way to look at guilt is as a type of shame about violating moral boundaries. Generally, when we have done something "wrong" and have shame about doing it it often leads to making restitution, asking forgiveness or doing something to make amends. On the other hand, we can do something we agree is "wrong" but have little or no shame about it and dismiss it without feeling a need to do anything about it. Conversely, we can also have internalized shame to the degree that even after taking actions to remedy our feelings of guilt, we continue to have significant levels of shame about ourselves for doing it.

Just a few observations today. More to come.