Uncomfortable Question #298 - How much have you saved for your wedding so far? I can feel you squirming already. Yes, dear Lazy Bride, this is the topic no one likes to talk about - the 'how' of paying for the wedding. Perhaps you're lucky and your parents are footing the entire bill. Or your fiance's parents. But if you and your beloved are paying the piper, this is something you need to seriously think about, because the consequences of not figuring it out now can be expensive down the road. 

Speaking from the voice of experience, my starter wedding of 130 people back in 1995 came in at $13,000. And that was on a shoestring. Church hall where the babas did the cooking so the buffet was $13 a head, we brought in our own alcohol, made my own table decor (goldfish in bowls which I don't recommend if you have drunk friends), friend was a florist and gave me a discount, professional photographer friend gave his day of shooting as a gift. It was a DIY wedding but beautiful and a wedding that was for a long time the benchmark all other weddings were secretly judged against. But we didn't have the funds saved so we took out a loan. Long story short - the loan payments outlasted the marriage and we spent about $6000 in interest. Ouch.

photo by Dan Power Photography

Fast forward to my second marriage six years ago, which was on a beach in Costa Rica, with only 30 people, lunch and very few extras. Came in under $2500 and we paid it all in cash. Was it the decor wedding of my dreams? No but we loved it and we did not go into debt for it. Lesson learned. The one regret I do have is not hiring a professional photographer and if I was able to have a 'do-over', I'd make that a priority.

My question to you is a) how much are you spending on your wedding and b) how are you paying for it? Credit card? Unless you are incredibly self-disciplined and pay it off every month, this can be a financial albatross around your neck. It's so easy to 'up' the limit and suddenly, that $2000 dress is the 'must have' even though you'd budgeted $1000. "I'll just put in on my plastic" says your little voice. Well, if you paid the minimum of 2% of the balance, at 14% APR, it would take you 26 years and almost $2500 in interest payments to pay off that dress. Sobering. For more info on the real cost of carrying credit card balances, check out What's the Cost. 

That leaves getting a loan (again, debt load and interest) or saving up for it. Now, if the average wedding is priced at $28,000 and the average bride marries at 27 years old. Using these figure,  Ramit Sethi, author of I Will Teach You to Be Rich and the like-named website, created this spreadsheet, which shows how much you'd need to save monthly in order to pay off your wedding in full. 

Bit unsettling, isn't it. So, what do you do if you haven't save this much money and your wedding is next year?

a) Start saving now - yes, it's not too late. By setting aside 10 - 20% of each paycheck and putting into a high interest account, such as ING, you can make some serious gains in your savings. But the trick is to be rigorous about it. 

b) Prioritize - weddings are building grounds for marriage as they teach you the art of compromise. Decide what are the top three items for you and have your fiance do the same. Then decide what are the last three items on the budget for you. From there, decide where and how much to cut. Usually, the two or three 'big ticket items' (food, bar) may have the most room for trimming and helping the budget. Work with your vendors to see what creative ideas they can offer to bring your vision alive without killing the budget. 

c) Stay Real - it's easy to get caught up in the throes of bridedom. When shopping, have a 'voice of financial reason' along with you (like a really good friend or family member) who will help keep you on budget. And if you absolutely, positively, can't live without it - put it aside, think about it for a few days and then make the decision. If you still must have it, figure out what must be sliced and diced from the wedding budget to keep everything in balance. Chances are, that 'must have' is suddenly a lot less appealing.

What steps are you taking to save for your big date?

Let's be clear upfront - yes, you are on a budget with your wedding. Everyone is. Even those people who say 'I have no budget' are on a budget. It's the way Life is - like breathing or eating or feeling the need for a snack attack when talking about wedding budgets (I know you're reaching for the Hallowe'en stash as you read this). All your vendors know you're on a budget too so trust me that no one thinks your pocketbook is endless nor are they out to 'get you' just because the word 'wedding'  pops into the conversation.

Yes, weddings are definitely more expensive than that backyard bbq you threw for July 4th. No doubt about it. And some reasons for the sticker shock you're experiencing include  a) how many large parties have you thrown recently? b) how many floral orders have you made in the last year with a florist and c) how many photographers/venues/planners/limos/etc. have you hired this quarter? Weddings are treading into a very different world than most people live in on a daily basis.

Photo by Pennington Photography, design by Weddings Costa Rica

Wonder why that bouquet of flowers costs $250? Check out florist Nancy Liu Chin's very astute and sobering post about why wedding flowers cost what they do and how much the owner of that fancy-shmancy flower shop is really making. You'll be thanking yourself that you choose a career in HR rather than flowers. 

The reality is, the vast majority of wedding vendors are not paying for a summer home in Nantucket or sending their kids to Harvard. For many, they are making a lot less in salary than you might be comfortable living on. There are a limited number of 'wedding weekends' in a year and only XX number of possible wedding dates they can work. Less work days = less business = less profit. Think if you only worked 20 days a year  - how much would you have to charge to make your present salary? And if you add in overhead (rent, phones, insurance, advertising, lights, water, transport, professional association fees)? Yikes!

People in the wedding biz are largely there because they are passionate about weddings. Yes, it's a business but they aren't out to be Donald Trump or Warren Buffet. They really want your wedding to be amazing and everything you want. Truly. If it was just about the money, they'd be doing something else, like playing pro-baseball or studying plastic surgery.

So please, dear bride, keep that in mind when those magazines tell you to 'negotiate negotiate negotiate'. You and every other bride tries the same tactics and guess what - vendors find it annoying. Asking for a deep discount is belittling as it shows a lack of respect and understanding of the work/experience/art they bring to the table. Be realistic about what your budget can afford. If you want oodles of orchids, don't play hardball and try to pay for carnations. Weddings aren't used cars, where dickering about price is part of the game.

That's not to say you cannot try to get a little something extra. If the venue is charging for cake cutting or plating, see if they can do better on that fee or waive it altogether. Maybe the photographer is willing to include an extra hour or some additional prints. There is no harm in asking, as long as you aren't demanding about it. Put yourself in the vendors' shoes and think about how you'd like to be approached and how you would best respond. My mother always said you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar so be sweet, be nice  and be reasonable.

And if your budget is coming in over? Rather than try to slice 10% off of everything, pick two or three 'big ticket' items where you can cut and make a difference. Maybe it's using ranaculus rather than peonies or cutting out the champagne toast or having a 3-tiered cake instead of six. Be creative.  Talk to your vendors. This is what they do full time and they have wonderful ideas on how to make your vision fit your budget. Your vendors are part of your 'big day' team so work with them.