Once innocence is lost...

Mercy in Me...

2006-08-10T00:07:13-07:00

reWell...It has been a while since I have written. Oops.

My Dad got transferred to his state prison. There are some ups and downs to him being there and him no longer being in county. There are some strict rules in state in regards to communication with family. So not hearing from him as much is hard. But we are making it.

Mama told me tonight that we are having some family trouble in the Phillipines. Seems the government decided they want a bunch of land to turn into a golf course and resort. Well, my family lives on that land - and they are about to be pushed out of it. Will lose their home and such. What we don't know is if the government is going to pay them for the land they are taking from them. If they don't pay them for it they will be in extreme trouble. My family there is literally 3rd world living. They are making their living on the 780 banana trees that are on their land. Which will be inevitably destroyed. So there is one more burden on top of my mom. I don't want to trust that they will give them money. The Philippines is a weird running country. The large amount of Guerrillas and Al Queda doesn't help either.

Everything else is going okay. Of course I am blessed to have what I have. I praise God for that. But I think I am losing my mind, and struggling with my faith. I can't exactly explain it.

I met a guy...well then unmet him. He is really a sweet guy, and I found myself interested in him. Things were going really great but then when I didn't get any phone calls from him I figured he lost interest. Found out from my friend who introduced us that he likes me too much to get involved with me. Do'h. He realized I am leaving in January and does not want to deal with the heartache. Gah. And I really liked him. Go figure!

Mercy in Me - Todd Agnew

A poor man on the corner
I could give to You by buying him lunch
But I rarely think about it
‘Cause I got a little but it’s not that much
And I pray Lord won’t You help me
Give me a little bit more for myself
And You say child won’t you let me
Take all that you got and give you a little real wealth

And I don’t know what You want
What You see in my life
And I don’t know what You mean
How You could be glorified
And I’m not to sure about this idea of sacrifice
What You mean by mercy, mercy in me
Your mercy in me

A young girl in an old house
Three kids and another on the way
She’s in desperate need of some new clothes
But I keep my old ones and tell her I’ll pray for her
But Your heart breaks for those kids
And that child of a mom who’s one of Your own
When a few gifts and a little time is another crown
I could lay at the feet of Your throne

And I don’t know what You want
What You see in my life
And I don’t know what You mean
How You could be glorified
And I’m not to sure about this idea of sacrifice
What You mean by mercy, mercy in me
Your mercy in me

Gorgeous Sail Boat in the Chesapeake Bay

Sleep

2006-07-08T01:48:09-07:00

So I realized that I do not like to sleep at night.

I would much rather stay up all night and sleep during the day.

Why that is? I am not sure. I have an idea. but it is so pyschologically wacked I need to think about it more before I try to write about it.

Dadgummit!

2006-07-02T00:18:18-07:00

Okay, so I have decided trying to have a private online journal is pointless. I came here hoping that I could be in hiding from certain people. Well, that didn't work - ended up being found...so it may defeat the purpose of me writing here. I wish I had privacy.

Anyway, on a different note...Charlie is about two steps from being kicked to the curb. We got into some kind of argument tonight. I don't even know why it became an arguement. I was just trying to talk to him and the next thing I know he is practically yelling at me while cursing every other word. Him and I have been getting to know each other for about a month now, and for him to think it is okay to talk to me like that is utterly wrong. And he will know it.

I always knew he was headstrong, but I thought I could just get to know him. But I think I am beginning to see why he is 32 and still unmarried. And I really like him - that is what stinks.

Anyway, too tired to say anymore.

Picture of the Day:

My "little sister" on a swing

Woes & Worries

2006-06-29T01:29:20-07:00

Well tonight was the first time I have been to church since my Dad was sent to prison. It was not that I was avoiding church, it was just that I was out of town. Anyway, it was really hard for me. It was just me and my mom. My little sister had to work. Usually the whole family is there (including my dad). Before hand people kept coming up to me giving me their sympathies and offering help if needed, which was a blessing but was hard to pretend to smile. I am trying to be strong for my family. I want to be the one with the solid head, who is able to keep her cool during the hardest.

During the praise and worship, when certain lyrics would come up, I would keep getting glances from the people. Kind of like them saying "These lyrics are for you and your family" to me through their eyes. Which was absolutely amazing that they cared so much - but trying to pretend your strong when you don't want to be makes it so hard.

(Jesus, You are my best friend...and you will always be...nothing will ever change that...Jesus, You are my best friend...and you will always be...and nothing will ever change that)

God has blessed us tremendously, even though things are rough and we are looking for answers and direction he is continually protecting and helping us. I am really trying to get back on track with God. I know what he has for me, and I know what he has called me to do, but I have been so dry the past few years it has been hard to get stronger.

Which leads to my next dilemma. Charlie. I like him a lot, and he is possibly going to come down here to see me next week - which I am absolutely excited about. He is such a sweet guy and we get along amazingly. But he is not a Christian. He is a Catholic, but does not have a relationship with God. This poses a huge problem if we were to get serious. I am trying to keep my heart in control, but I like him. I just don't want to be setting us both up for heartache. I am trusting that God is going to direct us, and if he is not going to come to God, then I cannot be with him.

Anyway...So much going on in my mind - Can't keep it all straight.

Picture of the Day:

Me and my "brother" Edward. By love and not blood.

Drama...

2006-06-28T00:28:36-07:00

This weekend has been a horrible weekend. Besides trying to get used to the fact my Daddy is in prison...my weekend was full of DRAMA.

I went up north to get some of my stuff settled up there since I will be staying home for another semester. I decided I wanted to see Charlie. Well, I saw him Saturday night from about 3am-6am. We had a blast. We talked, goofed, cuddled and watched TV. He is so sweet. Well I decided that I would get away and try to see him again and on Sunday night went back to his house. I was with him for about 15 minutes and then I heard Charlie's dog barking over and over. We both freaked out and I knew that the reason he was barking is because Jeff was at the door. I walked down the stairs and Jeff saw me and punched the glass front door (the main door was wooden) causing it to shatter all over the place. He starts yelling at me and was dripping blood everywhere.

Charlie about lost it, but thankfully kept his cool. He respected Jeff because of the role he plays in my life, he didn't understand why in the heck his door was busted in, so I did my best to explain his behavior without looking like a lunatic. It did not go over well.

I about lost Charlie. Him and I are not together but have been talking everyday for the past month. He is older than me so slightly intolerable of drama. So he was pretty upset at the situation. He told me he was not upset at me. He was just upset at the whole thing. But still, he didn't want to see me before I flew out today. So that was weird. But we talked on the phone a bit. I don't know if anything will happen between us because I am going to be several states away. But I think we are going to give growing closer a shot.

Jail Visit

2006-06-22T01:13:20-07:00

I saw my dad today, for the first time in my life I was in one of those booths, where you talk on the phone and there is a glass window. My dad was wearing surgical mask because they have to until their TB tests come back clear. All I saw were his pale blue eyes which were tinted red from him not getting any sleep and crying. He was wearing bright orange and thankfully was not wearing any cuffs.

Kristle saw him and started bawling, but I would not let myself cry. I wanted my Daddy to see me strong. But unfortunately it threw me into an emotional mess. So I have spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV and sleeping.

I know that this is going to affect me more emotionally than I am letting on. My pastor keeps telling me to let the emotions out. That I need to get them out in order to heal. I know all of this. I am studying to be a Chaplain. I know the process of grieving, and of overcoming. But it does not mean I am going to allow myself to do it easily.

I just am scared that if I let myself get emotional about it, then who is going to be strong for my sister and mom?

I never thought my Dad would be incarcerated.

My Daddy's Gone...

2006-06-21T01:59:40-07:00

My Dad got 8 years in prison, starting this morning. I am really sad that I was not able to give him a hug goodbye. They just ripped him from us before we could even blink. He is in county jail for the next few months until there is room to place him into a state prison. Until he is moved to a state prison I will not be able to hug him. I get to see him two times a week for twenty minutes through a glass window on the phone. What hurts the most though is my mom was not able to give him a hug and kiss goodbye. And when I told her that she would not be able to touch him for a while she broke into tears.

My little sister is who I am worried the most about though, my parents were her only stability in her life. Rock solid, never changing. She was so relient on my dad, she used him as her rock. She was the definition of a Daddy's girl. Now that he is gone she is really distraught. Little things set her bawling. Pepsi in the refrigerator, His John Deere collection in his office. I am so worried about her.

Then I am worried about my mom. She is from another country and my Dad has handled most of the finances and the logistical stuff around the house. Now that he is not here she is really lost. I told her I would handle the financial stuff, and thank God Glenn is here to help me figure it out. I don't know how in the heck any of it works.

I try not to let myself cry around them, I am trying to be the voice of reason that always says "everything is going to be alright", "God is helping us through", and all those things that usually come out half hearted. But the truth is, I am scared to death for my Dad. First off for his safety, then for his spiritual side and his joy and then for him being gone for so long. The lawyer made it clear to him, that when people ask him why he is in for him to say "drugs" because if he told them what it really was he would be beat up in ways I can't bear to think about.

My family is so close, I love my Dad so much. I could never wish for anyone better...but my heart is broken.

D-Day

2006-06-20T02:55:00-07:00

Tomorrow morning at 9am I will be sitting in a court room for the first time - petrified.

My Dad's make or break court date is tomorrow. It is really a sentencing hearing, and we are appealing for probation. What my Dad did was wrong, but he never acted on it. It was just all talk that got him in trouble. He has a squeaky clean record, so there is a chance we may leave there with him having probation. Which is what we are praying so hard for.

I have not cried about the situation since he got arrested last November. A few weeks ago I found my dad sobbing on the floor and my mom with him - but I just did not shed one tear. I stood there, cold as stone. Not upset or mad or anything like that. Just emotionless. I think it may be the way my mind and heart wants to handle it. I have a feeling once I get on that stand to testify for my dad, and the situation starts to sink in, I may lose it.

I am praying so hard that my dad gets probation and does not have to do time. If he has to do time everything will be turned upside down and we will really just be fighting to keep afloat.

So tonight - I will lay down in my bed - but probably not sleep.

Father's Day

2006-06-19T02:04:00-07:00

I love my Dad so much. He is such a wonderful man.

This father's day was exceptionally hard for the family being his court date is a day away. We dont' know what is going to happen to him.

My dad is the reason why I want to join the Air Force. He retired after putting 20yrs in, so I was definitely a military brat. So I pretty much bleed blue because of him.

He cried a couple times today, I knew he would. He is distraught over the decision he made that has the family hanging in the balance.

I love him so much though.

Impure

2006-06-18T01:39:00-07:00

I am sitting here crying for so many reasons tonight.

I don't know what is going to happen to my dad. His court date is in two days and everything is hanging in the balance. I am praying that he does not have to do time. If he has to do time everything in my family will fall apart and I am not sure where to start picking up the pieces.

I miss Aaron everyday. We were together off and on four years. I can't believe how things just fell apart. I love him so much still. Even though he repeatedly hurt me, and repeatedly was flirting and lying about the other girls. I don't know when we went wrong. I don't know what little steps we took that led us to our end. I can't stand to listen to certain songs. "What Hurts the Most" does it for me everytime. I finally watched the music video and it killed me.
If something ever happened to him...I don't know what I would do. We still have not really talked about everything. I just don't know how to move on.

I met another guy. Hop is his nickname on the football team. He is such a nice guy, and I do genuinely have interest in him. But from day one, I knew that it was not right. He is a wonderful man, but I know he just does not fit what I am looking for in a guy. I decided I would go out on a few dates with him, see if it changes as we hang out together more. I have not been able to go out with him yet because I am back in Texas for a bit. When I make my way back up north I will get to finally go out on a date with him. We have been talking on the phone at least twice a day for about two weeks now. It has been fun doing so. I just wish I could talk to him about stuff without it always turning into something sexual. I am not a sexual person. I think just because with everything that happened I feel dirty or something. I don't know. I want him and I to have a good pure relationship. But I have a feeling it has been messed up already with some of our topics of conversation.

Don't get me wrong, we haven't had phone xes or anything like that. We just have mentioned the topic and talked about likes and dislikes a bit. I feel really bad about talking to someone so quickly about that topic :(

I feel...impure...