Everyday Goddess

How Liz Decides to Hit Snooze

2008-07-25T07:49:34-07:00

It's Friday, and I don't *really* need to wash my hair this morning.

I did just get my period.

I have so much work today and this weekend, I really need all the sleep I can get.

7 minutes later.

No one should have to get up to The Carpenters.

There will be shot design, and there will be actors.

2008-07-24T22:28:32-07:00

I came back from BlogHer, and I jumped into the slam.

day job (executive assistant)
night (and sometimes early morning) job (blogger)
weekend and every spare moment job (10-episode web series)

We're shooting three weekends in August, I'm in charge of casting by the end of July, and to date, I have six declined invites in my evite. (Things I've declined because of shoot dates.)

It feels great.

But I'll be embracing the short update for the personal blog in August. BlogHer posts will be as usual, of course.

It also occurs to me that I really better manage to do some laundry this weekend, or August is going to be a bad scene.

What can your choices tell you about what you really want?

2008-07-24T07:47:06-07:00

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

One of the sessions I attended at BlogHer this year that was somewhat personally challenging to me was "Who We Are: Women Without Children and the Blogosphere." I'm not someone who comes in contact with or thinks about children very often in my daily life.

But, I am 37 and I am a woman and I don't have children, so the question comes up. You can't really escape it. As women, there's this weirdness in the zeitgeist about us and children (vs. men and children), and I don't know about you, but I began to feel the need to have an answer - for myself and for others.

So when I moved to L.A. at age 30 and comprehended the long, difficult career path ahead of me, I thought about it. And what I decided was this: Should my life take a turn that leads me to have a child, then that will be a blessing, but children - to me - aren't something I pursue as a want. Rather, children are something I stay open to the possibility of. I feel like my choices in life speak to my true desires.

I brought this up in the session in response to a 30-something woman who was struggling with the children question - How do you know if you want them or not, and don't you have to decide? I wasn't sure if what I said would make sense or help. Denise twittered me, "But at some point you really are faced with the do I or don't I - and isn't that what she is struggling with?" (Which I didn't get the tweet until I got home because my portable tech is sad. 2001 laptop no tweet.)

Well, I don't know if I ever *will* feel like I am faced with "do I or don't I." Or put another way, I think I decide, and have been deciding, that question everyday with my choices and prioritization even when I wasn't thinking about it specifically.

I called off a wedding when I was 26 because I wanted something different. I chose to go to and borrow tons of money for graduate film school and move to L.A. I've chosen to pursue and will continue to pursue one of the most difficult to obtain careers (television directing).

These are not the choices of someone prioritizing or pursuing children. And they are also not the choices of someone who was thinking she'd get to it later, although the jury's still out - I'm fully aware that life loves to surprise us.

The thing is, I've always felt that if what I really wanted was be married and/or have children - over and above all other considerations - Well, barring health complications that's exactly what I would have done. I could have gotten married. I could have had kids then. Instead I called off my wedding and went to graduate school. And that's a major life choice that I own every day, baby.

Or, at least I will when I pay off my student loan at age 52.

What I'm trying to say is, whenever I do feel like I don't know what I want in life, I look back at my choices to see how they've led me to where I am and what they might be telling me. There's two sides to this.

You might look over your choices and realize you're going the wrong way - like when I called off my wedding. Or you might look over your choices and realize that it is the pursuit of what you truly desire that finds you where you are today.

Well, OK then. As I said in the panel, I work really hard to make the best choices for me every day, and then I have faith that where those choices lead me is a good place for me. Certainly I feel better and more sure of myself today than I did ten years ago. I've come a long way, and I'm still going. Somewhere.

And when I don't know what I want next year, or in a few years, or for the rest of my life, I think, well, what do I want right now? This week, this month, this quarter. What's ahead of me to do and what's the best choice from that? I take those choices and move forward from there.

Here's a smaller example: My upcoming weekend. I have a lot of work to do this weekend, but after the breakup I decided I needed to make a commitment to some of the regular fun friend things I do occasionally, and to seeing and spending time with the people in my life who I most value. Los Angeles can be a lot about meeting new people, new people, new people.

So this weekend I'm meeting a couple friends to knit for a couple hours, and I'm also boardgaming. In between those two things, it's work, work, work... And suddenly I realized that I'd scheduled myself out of attending a party where I would have reconnected with an old colleague and met a lot of new people - including, potentially, new men. "Potentials." And regardless, it would have been fun to meet new people.

When I'd received the invitation, I was more than a little pleased and also a little nervous. But my weekend prioritization cut out attending the party.

I may think and think and think about trying more casual sex. I know that I'm ready to date again. But for now at least, I don't really *want* to kiss or have sex with someone I'm not romantically into, and I'm so over cold dating.

I can think and think and think about what I want, but at the end of the day, sometimes my actions tell me loud and clear.

The blogosphere speaks:

Lesson Plans - Love this thoughtful post from Andrea at A Garden of Nna Mmoy about learning to be different in relationships.

How to See if He's the One - Interesting, she's got like a relationship how-to blog going here.

Thoughts on career and life decisions - Love this post from Journey to Jordan, and I'll leave you with this, which I certainly believe applies to more than just career:

The more I explore the career paths available to me, the more I see that it’s like the train at night with the headlights that can only see 100 yards into the darkness. You don’t see the whole path when you set out on it, but as you move along, step by step you see what lies immediately in front of you and can act accordingly. Each new step gives you a new view and a number of options, and you arrive at the next step based on what decision you make. Even though you don’t know the final destination when you start out, you figure it out as you follow what you’re most interested in. The key is just to throw yourself in and take the little steps as they come. If you stand around and wait until you see the big picture, you’re not going to go anywhere.

Maybe.

New Sarah Haskins!

2008-07-22T21:24:25-07:00

Enjoy.

No kids!

When, Oh When, Will I Have Sex Again???

2008-07-21T21:27:07-07:00

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

I gotta tell ya, my sexual peak has pretty much been a bust. It's not that it hasn't happened - Oh, no, it's here, baby. It's that I moved to Los Angeles when I was 30, I've been single more than I've been coupled, and I've had exactly no luck finding someone to spend my life with.

I'm a monogamous relationship lover. I'm just not going to have amazing, mind-blowing sex when love isn't there. And here I am, single again. Most of my thirties have felt like one long, frustrating dry spell. It sucks.

I started having sex when I was 16. Serial Monogamy Queen. Now I look back to my teens and 20s and think, Thank goodness I had tons of sex when I could! I didn't have the drive I have now, but at least there was lots of great sex in those years.

At least I have the memories.

And a new Pearl Drop Vibe I finally managed to get open. (Suzanne, you just pull it apart really really hard and it pops open.)

Sigh. Masturbation is such a sad substitute for the real thing. The Pearl Drop Vibe would be much more fun to play with with a partner. At least its adoption into my nightstand means I can throw away my current small vibe which I've nicknamed The Battery Monster because it kills a double A every time I use it.

I've given my ongoing sexual situation a lot of thought in the last 6 years. I've considered if it would be possible to find a monogamous sex partner in L.A. - That is, someone who isn't the one, but you only have sex with each other, while you're dating openly. Friends with benefits. I had that once before, a million years ago, but I felt like he was becoming too attached no matter how clear my communication and his protestations otherwise, so I ended it. Other times, I was the one who wanted more, so I couldn't agree to the arrangement.

And honestly, because of happenings in my L.A. years since, I don't think I could trust anyone like that anymore, because I did open my heart to him and care about him, of course. I couldn't have it any other way.

I've considered embracing casual sex. Even to the point of walking completely away from hoping to find a life partner. My life is fulfilling and driven in so many ways; maybe I could just compartmentalize my happiness. Find sexual pleasure one place or places and find love in my friends and my artistic passions.

I've never really had completely casual sex. Try as I may to wrap my head and my heart around it, the thought of it is basically the equivalent of a cold shower. Which pretty much kills that idea.

So there's really no solution. I feel compelled to honor my heart right now, no matter how frikkin' frustrated it leaves me. No matter how much it makes my heart ache.

I think I've just figured out why I hate the word "abstinence." Because it totally SUCKS.

The Blogosphere Speaks:

How to deal with sexual frustration - a girl's solution. - Milwaukee Girl from Single in the City shares her process.

The single life is good - Freak from The Big Whinger learns that single and sexually frustrated is better than being with the wrong guy. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Clearly.

Nifzeta Chizala from The Voice in my Head blogs on July 14th, 2008 about being really into someone and not knowing what the deal is and not being able to make a move or understand (admit?) why he doesn't.