Kelleher International

Anticipating the first "sleep over": your place or hers?

2011-04-17T10:00:00-07:00

The date is going well. She is sending you the signal that tonight is the night. You've planned out the evening so far and now you've got to make the call: Do you head back to her place, or to yours?

The answer is simple: GO TO HER PLACE

Here are the three reasons why her place is the right place.

HER PLACE IS HOW SHE IMAGINES IT: if it takes candles to get her in the mood, she'll light them. If music sets the right tone, she'll put on her favorite album. If she only rolls dirty on 400 count Egyptian, they will be ready to go. All of the things that she wants/needs/imagines as part of your first night together are already in place -- she's done the work, don't let it go to waste.

YOUR PLACE WILL QUICKLY BECOME ABOUT THE FUTURE, NOT ABOUT TONIGHT: as soon as she walks into your place, she will be translating everything she sees into an assessment of you as a man. Too many mirrors - are you narcissistic? Too well decorated - did some other woman help you put this room together? Well stocked liquor cabinet - do you drink too much? When a woman is presented with this information-rich opportunity to learn more about you, she is going to be sidetracked from the "priority of the evening".

OWN THE EXIT: the next morning, there is a very different dynamic between wondering when she is going to go, and you dropping an "I've got to be somewhere" and bringing the evening to a close. Better that she is a little disappointed that the evening goes a little shorter than she had hoped than you begin to become annoyed with her overstaying a welcome.

Lastly, just because she invites "you in", doesn't mean she is necessarily inviting you "in" -- continue to read the signals as the evening progresses at her place.

Questions which predict first-date sex...

2011-04-10T10:00:00-07:00

Ladies -- you think about it as you make certain "wardrobe choices" as you get dressed for the night. Gentleman -- you think about it all through the date.

Will there be first date sex?

A research team asked tens of thousands of "first daters" about their evening -- food eaten, source of introduction, topics of conversation -- and have boiled down some important questions to ask to increase your odds of first-date-sex. I would probably call it more "funny" than "factual", but it makes for a humourous read. Here are some highlights from the study:

First dates are awkward. There is so much you want to know about the person across the table from you, and yet so little you can directly ask.

This post is our attempt to end the mystery. We took OkCupid's database of 275,294 match questions—probably the biggest collection of relationship concerns on earth—and the 776 million answers people have given us, and we asked:

What questions are easy to bring up, yet correlate to the deeper, unspeakable, issues people actually care about?

Love, sex, a soulmate, an argument, whatever you're looking for, we'll show you the polite questions to find it. We hope they'll be useful to you in the real world.

First—define "easy to bring up"

Before we could go looking for correlations to deeper stuff, our first task was to decide which questions were even first-date appropriate. I know each person has his own opinion on what's okay to talk about with a stranger. I also know that if I had to wade through hundreds of thousands of user-submitted questions like these verbatim examples:

If you were to be eaten by cannibal, how would you like to be prepared?

Q: do u own 3 or more dildos in your room?

Q: Do you have a decent job?

So, instead of judging each question's first-date appropriateness subjectively, I turned to statistics. I decided our candidates were the ones that (a) most people were comfortable discussing publicly, and (b) were mathematically likely to tell you something you couldn't just guess. I sliced OkCupid's question pool like this:

That blue rectangle is our highest-quality, least-invasive questions, and we next examined each of them for interesting correlations. (If you're interested in knowing more about the above graph, you can drop-down an explanation here, complete with an interactive scatter plot that took me forever to make.)

Now let's get right to the results. This is the shallow stuff to ask when you want to know something deep.

You are only as good as your scouts...

2011-04-04T10:00:00-07:00

We've been putting out theKELLEHER INTERNATIONAL SCOUTING REPORT for years and we haven't ever done a piece on Kelleher International's secret sauce -- our Scouting Network.

We have a huge team of over fifty men and women distributed across the US and a handful of major international cities whose sole raison d'être is to add great women to the Kelleher International Network. They attend fund raisers, gallery openings, society weddings and political rallies seeking out the hottest, most adventurous, accomplished and interesting women they can find, and enroll them into our network.

Have you read Moneyball by Michael Lewis? If not, it centers around the Oakland A's and their unrivalled scouting network and recruiting guidelines that deliver spectacular teams at a fraction of the payroll of other teams. The Oakland A's manager will tell you that "our team is only as good as the players our scouts bring us." Have you ever heard a rockstar tell stories of his own "scouts" that pick the best women out of the audience to meet the band at the after party?

This is what the Kelleher International Scouting Network brings to you -- giving your access to an unmatched group of beautiful, adventurous, incredible women, as well as making our way out into the audience to have the hottest girls meet you "back stage". Are you ready to find out what we can do for you? Pick up the phone and ask how we might put our Scouting Network to work for you at +1 415.332.4111.

There are no such things as stereotypes...

2011-03-28T10:00:00-07:00

"He was too much of a bad boy." "She seemed like a total princess." "He is still a Momma's boy."

It's natural to put a "name" or a "label" on something. It's the only way that humans are able to process all of the information they receive everyday -- by taking shortcuts to classifying new data.

This is dangerous and destructive when it comes to dating.

It's fun to read dating articles that tell us to look out for "Peter Pans" or "Drama Queens" or a host of other archetypes to describe the ocean of singles, but we set ourselves up for failure if we put too much faith in the descriptions. Almost no one is a pure "type", and if we use just a few indications to toss someone into a general group, then we may be cheating ourselves of a great opportunity. Let's say you meet a guy who plays tennis every Saturday with his college roommate and hasn't missed a home Broncos game in ten years. You could easily jump to "Frat Boy" and extrapolate to immature, lack-of-ambition and aspiring alcoholic. You could just as easily jump to "passionately loyal" and "forms long-term friendships". Both are valid -- which one of these sounds like someone you might want to be with? It works both ways. Let's say your date asks for dressing-on-the-side and says she could never share her apartment in the city with a dog. Is this "High Maintenance" or is it "works hard to look good" and "believes it's cruel to subject a dog to city life"?

Here's the punch line for both genders -- "typing" men and women should be a leisure activity to throw a fun light on dating, but in the real world of meeting people and exploring new relationships will only close you off to opportunities.

Lessons from the Sweet Sixteen

2011-03-22T10:00:00-07:00

Gentleman. #11 Marquette took out ‘Cuse. The city of Richmond has as many teams in as the ACC. Play-in team VCU knocked off #3 Purdue. This isn’t a commentary on expanding the field or the NCAA Committee’s ability to select and seed. The lesson to be learned here is that the “standard” criteria for identifying an expected “winner” is turning out to be flawed. Big Conference. Average Height. Strength of schedule. All of which might seem like rational selection criteria but miss out on some of the things that have propelled Richmond, Butler and FSU to the Sweet Sixteen: momentum, heart, and an apparently insatiable will-to-win. Ask any true sports fan and they’ll tell you that the big stats of size, conference and FG% are the only way to sort through hundreds of teams and make some choices. However, when it comes to picking that perfect “winner” in a five-on-five battle to select “the One”, that same sports fan will talk about heart and the hot-hand. This is a deep and revealing metaphor for understanding the differences between online dating and matchmaking. The only way to navigate the ocean of half-accurate online profiles is to use the rough-cut criteria needed to sort through large unqualified lists of people. You’ll get results like the NCAA Tournament, with a huge failure rate in expected victories. Online dating is about narrowing choices, using a matchmaker is about picking a winner. At Kelleher International, we have a network of elite singles – a Final Four for each of our clients – and it is our proprietary matching approach and more than twenty-five years of experience that enables us to find “the One” for our clients.

ERIN GO BRAGH: KISS ME, I'M IRISH!

2011-03-14T10:00:00-07:00

At Kelleher International we love the transition of Valetine's "Won't you be mine?" to the more assertive "Kiss me, I'm Irish" of St. Patrick's Day. That simlpe phrase embodies a lot of the characteristics that can make you succesful in your search for love -- confidence, focus and desire.

St. Patrick's might be the number one kissing day of the year.

You've heard us say many times, women love confidence -- and asking a stranger for a kiss is a strong sign of self-esteem. At Kelleher International, we work with our clients to focus on what is important in finding "the One", perhaps not as focused as the singular objective of "kiss me", but definitely zeroed in on success. Finally, the passionate plea for a kiss, combined with the vulnerability of a request is a killer combination. Maybe St. Patrick was a matchmaker in his day?

At Kelleher International we hope you are having a great March, and if you are ready to move beyond hoping for the "Luck of the Irish" in finding your perfect match, then give us a call at +1 415.332.4111.

Core vs. Related Qualities

2011-03-07T10:00:00-08:00

I've had bad luck in the past dating men older than myself, but you keep encouraging me to be "open minded" -- what am I missing here that is keeping me from making this jump?

First, let's clarify. There's nothing wrong with having age as a selection criteria -- what you want is what you want. When we say "open minded", what we really mean is that we want you to consider the possibility that age is not really one of your core requirements for a partner, but rather a "related" quality. For example, height is not a required characteristic for an NBA player, but a "related" one -- it's good to be tall in the NBA, but there are plenty of 6'10" players that get cut, and at 5'7" Spud Webb beat out his 6'8" teammate Dominique Wilkins in the All Star Game Dunking Contest.

You may be at the top of your game for your age -- you are super fit, healthy, and full of life. If what you are seeking is youthfulness, vibrancy, and adventurousness, then putting a false ceiling on age may be eliminating some great opportunities for you. Richard Branson is 60 and I would put him up against any 45 year old I know. Catherine Zeta Jones is 41 and is more beautiful and energetic than most 30 year old women I know. This is the role of the matchmaker, to work within Kelleher International's elite network of singles and find "the One" that we believe could be the perfect partner for you. Our other role is to help you evaluate what will really be important for a lifetime of happiness, and not let you get tripped up by pre-conceived ideas and biases.

So let me rephrase the 'be open-minded' encouragement you are hearing with 'we have an opportunity to make an introduction to a man who will shatter all of your beliefs about age and adventure, vibrancy and life'.

We are here to make great introductions and to help you make great choices!

Too many first dates, not enough second ones...

2011-03-07T10:00:00-08:00

You're ready to find "the One".

Through friends, family, work and philanthropy you're meeting new people and setting first dates. But for some reason, you're not getting any second dates. It feels like the evenings are going great, that you're connecting, but when you follow up, you just can't seem to make the transition to the second date.

First date failures tend to fall into two categories: SELECTION and PERFORMANCE.

SELECTION: are you picking the right women? Is the image you are projecting to make your date the personality you show on your date.

PERFORMANCE: do you dominate conversation, into your blackberry, still doing the stuff hat got you the date

What do you do: act like you're trying for the 2nd date, get some advice, get a coach

Recovering from a Valentine's Day Miss

2011-02-27T10:00:00-08:00

You planned out a great weekend. Booked the right restaurant. Got a gift you thought was a winner.

But Feb 14th was a bomb.

Valentine's Day was a bust, and is now hanging over the two of you as a couple, and you're not sure how to recover.

First, let's adjust your assessment of the night -- almost no evening is a make-or-break in a relationship. A romance is the sum of a couple's experiences, not the average of the highs and lows. This past Valentine's Day was just "non-progress", not the beginning of the end.

Here are three things to do to get back on track...

Acknowledge It: a common mantra at Kelleher International is "openness". Great couples don't play games and hope the other person figures out what's going on. The first step to a full recovery of a bad experience is calling it out. When you share your disappointment with the evening with your partner, avoid phrases that begin (or include) things like "when you did this" or "and then you said...". Instead, focus on phrases like "the evening made me feel like...", or "this conversation made me wonder if...". Make the discussion about the relationship, not the activities of the evening.

Redo It: If the evening went south because of a series of snafus and logistical misses, then rebook the entire evening -- same restaurant, same flowers, another gift. Have the great evening you had planned, and laugh about the "redo". If you had a more personal bad experience with her family, his friends, or between the two of you -- create an opportunity to get it right the second time. Book another trip to the family compound, suggest that you host a group dinner for her friends, or plan an evening at home together and revisit the bad discussion.

Create a New Couple "Habit": the strongest forests grow from scorched earth. Figure out a way to convert the "miss" on Valentine's Day into a positive couple habit. If the tension came from a lack of thoughtfulness on one side, plan a deliberate date once a month around really knowing the other person. If you somehow offended a special friend, suggest you set a standing monthly dinner with them and express the importance to you that you have a great relationship with them.

Let It Go: it's just like it sounds. Relationships are the sum of a couple's experiences.

The Day After: February 15th – Building on Success

2011-02-21T10:00:00-08:00

Fellas, this is another one for you.

If you’re in a relationship you most likely had some type of “couple event” last week on Valentine’s Day. Hopefully we helped a little to put it in perspective and prime your creativity in finding the right gift.

It went SPECTACULARLY! What do you do next?

A top primetime comedy this week answered the question of “How do you recapture the thrill days later when the ladies come down off their See's Candy high, they crash and everything else by comparison is humdrum” by forming a Justin Bieber tribute band. I hope our advice is a little more practical and impactful, but the show does point out that there are dynamics in the post-Valentine’s days that can either build or destroy the momentum of Feb 14.

Here are three easy things to do to harness the positive trajectory of Valentine’s Day to continue onward-and-upward through the rest of the month:

REVISIT SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS: If you created some great memories or had some spectacular experiences on Feb 14, seek out ways to bring back the greatest hits of the night. If you gave her some breathtaking jewelry, tell her you want to take her out somewhere specifically to have a place to wear her new pieces. If you had a romantic drive up the coast, plan out three more ocean drives and play the same music you listened to on Valentines. Think back through the highlights of the evening and find ways to recreate or revisit the most special moments.

EXPAND ON THE THEME: If the restaurant was outstanding, let her know you have made reservations at the three other restaurants opened by the same Chef – each dinner will start out with the “halo effect” of that first meal. If you jetted away for the weekend to a beach bungalow on St. Barths, plan out the next five islands you will visit in the next year. If it “worked” on Valentine’s Day, it will most likely work all year long.

USE IT AS A RELATIONSHIP BUILDING BLOCK: think back to that night and identify any activities or behaviors that brought the two of you closer and how you might make it a core part of your relationship. If cooking a meal together felt like a great couple moment, commit to a monthly “date night ‘in’”. If you “surprised” her with two pane tickets and some lift passes, decide to have one “surprise” a month. Don’t treat Valentine’s day like some disconnected event, but rather as a wonderful and intense event that points the way to new ingredients for your relationship stew,

That’s it, congratulations on your great Valentine’s Day and keep the momentum rolling!!!!

Playing their Hearts Out

2011-02-15T10:00:00-08:00

We recently completed an interview forSports Illustrated and it's in this week's issue!

PLAYING THEIR HEARTS OUT

Okay, sports superstars don't normally advertise in the personals. But that doesn't mean it's any easier for them, celebrity, wealth and all-star physiques notwithstanding, to find true love. Is it any surprise then, in this era of The Millionaire Matchmaker, that there's a similar service playing Cupid to the sporting elite?

Amber Kelleher-Andrews, co-owner of the California-based "personal-search" firm Kelleher International, estimates that 20% of her clients are current or former pro athletes, a roster that includes former NBA and MLB All-Stars, baseball executives and six-time Pro Bowl receiver Terrell Owens (left). These guys have no trouble getting a date for Friday night. But finding a soulmate, when groupies target athletes with the help of websites like BallerAlert.com, can be far trickier.

Kelleher's company vets candidates from a vast database, and though the service, at $25,000 to $150,000 at the "elite" level, doesn't come cheap, for many athletes it's well worth it.

"A client once told me $100,000 is nothing," Kelleher-Andrews says. "He'd just spent $4 million on his divorce."

Owens, for one, says he takes dating very seriously. "You really need to be smart with who you choose to let into your life," he says. Still, he's always open for a pass.

Online daters are richer, taller and better looking than the rest of us...but not really...

2010-11-15T08:10:00-08:00

I was just reading a recent study done by a large online dating service that quantifies how much consumers exaggerate their online profiles. The report skips over the big spectres of online dating, including people who aren't who they say they are and married consumers pretending to be single.

One of the critical services a matchmaker performs is the "screen". At Kelleher International we have interviewed everyone in our network and completed initial data verification on basic identity and marital status.

Here are a couple of my favorite findings from the study....

PEOPLE ARE TWO INCHES SHORTER IN REAL LIFE

[read more]

Planning an Engagement: Part 2 of 2

2010-11-08T15:59:00-08:00

Congratulations! This is the second installment of a post I started a week ago for lucky couples that are thinking about becoming engaged this Fall. In the last post [read here] we talked about the importance of "making a memory" during the engagement and divided the experience into two parts: THE PROPOSAL, and AFTER THE PROPOSAL.

After the Proposal is how you are going to take the thrill of moment and magnify it by 10X, the secret to [read more]

Elite Athletes Seek Elite Coaching

2010-11-07T19:53:45-08:00

Did you catch our segment on ESPN? An elite athlete like Terrell Owens knows how to hire the right coaches and advisors to make him the best at whatever he chooses to do.

Is finding love a sprint or a marathon?

2010-11-06T13:04:00-07:00

This weekend is the New York City Marathon. If you’ve never had the chance to experience it first hand, it is worth the trip to Manhattan to navigate the throngs of Central Park (you have to be near the finish line!) and be witness to hours of personal triumphs.

What lessons in love are there to be learned from the NYC marathon? Is romance a sprint or a marathon?

I won’t try to overplay the metaphor, but there are many parallels:

The initial thrill: just like the runners first crossing the Verrazano Bridge to start the race, there is high adrenaline on your first couple of dates with a new romance

[read more]

Do you have what it takes to date an Alpha female?

2010-10-23T15:04:00-07:00

Kelleher International is an amazing network of the highest achieving singles in business, sports, entertainment, education and philanthropy. It’s wonderful to work with the "elite and eligible" from every corner of the globe and help them find “the One”. We've all seen the books, articles and new stories about the powerful “Alpha Male” and what makes them tick, and our network is full of these incredibly successful men.

But our network is also full of wildly accomplished women. Whether they are [read more]

Deciding on a second date...

2010-10-20T15:21:00-07:00

She seemed nice, but the date wasn't very memorable. He looks great on paper, but it didn't really come through over dinner. There were bright spots during the evening, but you're not sure about going on a second date.

Dates that are spectacular and disastrous have one thing in common -- the next steps are obvious. But what about a date that was just so-so? At Kelleher International we are very thorough in our screening of new members to our network, and take every match we make very seriously. Mostly our matches result in dates that have both members bubbling the next day, but occasionally there is a match that doesn't feel like a bullseye after the first meeting.

A critical role that we play is "advisor", helping our clients navigate the rushing rapids of romance, and our counsel around making second date decisions if you're not sure, is to focus in on the critical differences between "value issues" and "performance issues". [read more]

Popping the Question: Part I of II

2010-10-13T15:34:00-07:00

Gentleman, this post is for you. "Advisor" is a critical role that Kelleher International plays with their clients, providing guidance through finding “the One” and then the many stages of courting and romance. Over the last twenty-five years we have worked with thousands of couples have had the great pleasure of introducing hundreds of now-married couples.

If you are lucky enough to be in a relationship and are considering a proposal, then my top piece of advice for you is “make a memory”. Whether you are 25 or 55, your engagement day can be a shared memory that continues to build the excitement to your wedding day. [read more]

An Economist's View of Online Dating

2010-10-07T10:00:00-07:00

There was a very interesting article recently in the Harvard Business Review that discussed the inevitable "bad equilibrium" of online dating. For everybody out there who is a little removed from your Macroeconomics 101 course, a "bad equilibrium" is "a strategy that all the players in the system are able to adopt and inevitably converge on, but it won't produce a desirable outcome for anyone." Or more simply, in online dating participants generally choose a relationship style that results in failure.

The premise of their study was that online dating is geared less towards SUCCESS and more towards NOT FAILING, and that analysis of early email exchanges were dominated by safe, and inevitably boring topics which led to diminished interest. Of course it's easy to point out what's wrong in this model, but their study also tested how things might be different if participants were forced away from the "bad equilibrium". The results were fascinating and very much in line with [read more]

Straight from the Heart - October 2010

2010-10-01T10:00:00-07:00

I want to start this note with the most important word to anyone serious about finding "the One".

That word is TODAY.

We all use different time markers to set our life priorities, e.g., "I'll get it done in Q4", "by this time next year...", "EOD Thursday", etc, and unfortunately, making the most important choice in your life is often place out somewhere between "cleaning out the garage" and "finally going through that pile of pictures". We push things off for two reasons, one is to manage our personal bandwidth and the second is because a task is unclear and the joy of the outcome is not fully understood.

It is time to put a lifetime of love on the TODAY list [read more]...

Halloween for Couples

2010-10-01T09:00:00-07:00

It is almost All Hallowed's Eve and this is one night of the year where you can really step out as a couple. Will you be remembered for the great impression you made, or the big miss? Let us help! Here are two great, and one not-so-great themes to consider when picking your costumes!

Famous Couples from History: be inspired by loves of the ages

More costumes [read here]...

Matchmaker Spotlight -- Tiffany

2010-10-01T07:00:00-07:00

My new romance and I have been together less than four months and he is constantly showering me with very expensive gifts and paying for luxury travel. I love the attention, but the expense is starting to make me a little uncomfortable. How do I send the right message without hurting his feelings and focusing on how happy I am?

Let me start by saying how thrilled we are that you are finding love. Let me also say that this opportunity will be a great chance to really promote the open communication that will be important to the success of your relationship.

I would love to express some sincere empathy – in the abstract if you ask any woman if she could ever receive too many gifts, you would expect to hear [read more]...

Radio and Romance Highlights

2010-10-01T06:00:00-07:00

Have you been keeping up with our weekly radio show on KFWB? Every week we explore a new dimension of dating, romance, and long term joy. Here are some of our recent highlights:

Inspire Strengths
How to find someone that brings out the best in you. [listen]

Style and Grooming
For the fellas -- some quick guidelines to sprucing up that wardrobe! [listen]

Secrets to a Fun Marriage
The fun is just beginning at "I Do" [listen]

Decoding His Little White Lies
Why he does them and what do they mean? When does it signal danger, and when is just nature? [listen]

Fresh Feedback - October 2010

2010-10-01T04:00:00-07:00

Each month we like to share some of our favorite notes from our clients...

"Yes, all is FABULOUS! Today is our 15 month anniversary and we moved in together last week! We're blissfully, and as our friends/family say, 'disgustingly' happy! Since I bought my place last year, [he's] moved in with me and he's renting his home out. Thanks for checking in and take care!"

"I can't believe I waited so long to do this. [She] is great. Smart, sexy, and able to keep up with me 24/7."

"You promised. You delivered."

Cities of Love - Huvagen Fushi Island, Maldives

2010-10-01T03:00:00-07:00

Romantic Hotel

Huvagen Fushi Spa

Romantic View
From "Lime" the underwather spa.

Romantic Restaurant
Celsius, Maldives

Going "In" for a date...

2010-09-28T10:00:00-07:00

Another Saturday night and you're hitting the hot restaurant down by the water, or catching that new play by that one playwright that wrote that one other thing... It is a great way to spend a Saturday night, but can also become to predictable an evening and lose some of its thrill. There are a million permutations on “drinks, dinner and a show” but I still find myself talking to clients every week and hearing “do you have any great date ideas?”

I was recently speaking with a friend of mine who had a recent "night out" that was really a "night in" and she was raving about it. It combined all of the things she was looking for in a great partner -- it was fun, it was planned (as I've said a million times, women love a man with a plan), and it involved her beloved Westie. [read more]

The Many Varieties of Intimate Relationships

2010-09-22T20:25:00-07:00

Someone recently forwarded me a marvelous snapshot of the universe of different types of intimate relationships. Human interaction is complex and this breathtaking graphic paints an interesting picture of the spectrum of love. One of the things I found most interesting is that of the 30+ little circles, most of us aspire to only two or three of them. This fun infographic's greatest value probably lies more in sparking dinner conversation than creating insight into human relationships. Enjoy!

Lessons from the NFL

2010-09-17T10:00:00-07:00

Bum-bum-bum-bum (imagine that is the NFL theme music!)

The football season is in full swing and we're feeling great about the prospects for our 49ers this year. My husband would be happy with a thirty game season, and even though it is not officially the "National Pastime", there is something about the NFL that grips men (and women!) all around the world.

Much of the chatter these past few weeks have been about "off season strategies" -- things each team has done to prepare themselves for a winning season. There are many lessons for love here...

[read more]

The Role of the Matchmaker

2010-09-08T09:35:00-07:00

Kelleher International has been bringing together elite singles for more than twenty-five years now. My Mom and I rigorously screen every member of our network to ensure the highest standards. But what happens next? What is the role of the matchmaker once you've joined the Kelleher family?

More than anything, we want you to find "the One", and the role of the Matchmaker ranges from talent scout to executive coach. In addition to my Mom and I, the Kelleher International family also includes a team of seasoned Matchmakers that provide extra support to our clients on a daily basis, helping to translate our clients' priorities into great matches, and then helping to guide our clients through the raging rapids of romance. The role of the [read more]

Some of our Favorite Posts...

2010-09-07T06:53:00-07:00

Every week we post our latest thoughts, advice, insights and secrets to finding "the One". Here are some of our recent highlights:

What I Learned at Camp
Lessons in dating from two summer weeks of canoeing, archery, arts and crafts [read]

Romance and Fitness
Three truths about the connection between great health and great love [read]

Lessons from the Bachelorette
Ali has found her love, what can we learn from how she went from twenty men to “the One”? [read]

Obama on Dating
Advice for recent college grads on the distraction of online dating [read]

Subscribe to our blog here.

How important is pretty?

2010-09-02T09:43:00-07:00

Kelleher International is a matchmaking service, not a dating service. This means we aren't in the same business as "DateAModel.com", instead, we use our two-and-a-half decades of experience to find our clients "the One" partner for a lifetime of happiness.

So does that mean that looks don't matter? Does someone have to be "pretty enough" if they hope to find love?

I'm going to skip over my politically correct disclaimers and 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and get to the straight truth:

Attractiveness matters - but at least as important as 'what you've got' is 'what you do with what you've got'. Somewhere between centuries of evolutionary conditioning and the latest Abercrombie & Fitch ad there has been created visceral reactions to 'pretty', none of us benefit from either denying it, or being angry about it. Whatever your starting point, what else you do-with-what-you-got is going to make the more powerful impact. Is your hair well coiffed, are your clothes nice, have you been to gym in the past six months -- all of these things tell a deeper story of personal pride that are at least at powerful as the physical gifts you received.

We encourage clients to focus on what is important to them, but we also urge them not to deny what they 'like', because that is the short route to unhappiness. [read more]

FOUR WAYS TO PREPARE TO MEET "THE ONE"

2010-09-01T19:00:00-07:00

At Kelleher International we meet very few singles who want to be alone. I hear a lot of excuses as to why people are alone; I receive a lot of promises that “next month I’m going to get serious”; and mostly I watch the weeks turn into months and (sometimes unfortunately) turn into years without some singles taking the first steps necessary to find “The One”.

If this is you, then I say that this is the day to change your strategy of “hope” into “do”, and begin down the road to finding your great match. To get this started, and to set yourself up for a lifetime of happiness, I want you to do four things:

Say Goodbye to the Past Congratulations on your decision and commitment to finding “The One” -- it is the most important thing you will ever do. But before you can open your heart to new possibilities, you have to release yourself from past successes and failures in love. No new relationship can compete with the romanticized-memory of some past amor, and no potential romance should pay the penalty for any past love that didn’t work out. Wash away the past and begin this next chapter free and clear!

Focus on Values As part of the Membership process at Kelleher International, we work closely with our clients to identify those important characteristics in a match that will make for a lifetime of happiness. If you have talked to us even once about our network, I’m sure one of the first things we did was to try to get you to shed your old dating checklist and just focus on the two or three things our matchmakers need to look for in a match that line up with your values. Values are the path the love, checklists are the path to grocery shopping.

Expect Success You attract what you project. You receive what you radiate. This isn’t some new age visualization advice, this is just a reality of human nature. There is something in the natural attraction that occurs between men and woman that is amplified by positive expectations. I can’t tell you if it’s pheromones or Cupid’s arrows, I can just tell you that after more than two decades bringing together elite singles all across the globe that without positive expectations, our clients almost never enjoy positive results.

Select the Expert. It’s very simple. You work with a personal trainer to stay fit. You hire a search firm for your business expansion. You seek a specialist when looking for medical advice. Your love life is no different. The most important decision of your life is who you spend your life with. Kelleher International is the most experienced team of professional matchmakers in the country. We search daily through our exclusive database of the most eligible single menand women and arrange exciting dates in romantic cities. What are you waiting for? Isn't it time we select your perfect match? For the most important things in your life you reach out to the professionals that can help you be successful. It is no different when searching for “the One”; you should seek help from great professionals that can help you find love.

Today could be the day you start down the path to love – take action and call now for your free consultation! 1-800-401-MATCH (6282)

Waiting for the "G" Word

2010-09-01T17:00:00-07:00

We’ve been dating for four months, but he still doesn’t refer to me as his “girlfriend”. Is this a sign that I shouldn’t ignore?

This has to be one of the most eternal questions in love. Ever since you kissed that first boy behind the bleachers at the football game or you had your first Valentine’s day with a special girl, both sexes have battled with “does he/she think I’m his/her boyfriend/girlfriend?”. This question is a common thread in relationships from age 8 to 80, but fortunately is a question that becomes simpler, not more complicated, as we become adults.

People are often on different timelines as a relationship progresses. That doesn’t mean that you give a man an open calendar, but it does mean you focus more on “progress” than on milestones against a timeline.

So what does that mean in regards to using the “G” word?

Part of the Kelleher International membership is access to a team of experienced Matchmakers that can help you navigate some of the turbulent waters of new relationships. When faced with the “G” word anxiety we ask our client two questions:

What are you “looking for” that will be satisfied when you hear the world “girlfriend”? It’s probably not the sound of the word. Are you looking for a statement of commitment, or some confirmation of feelings or badge of exclusivity?

Can you name two things that your new romance is already doing that seems to be exactly in line with what your expectations? Do you spend the Holidays together? Do your days roll into evenings, and weekdays roll into weekends? Have you met the children, friends, work colleagues? Do you have a key to his/her home?

The word “girlfriend” changes a lot for people the further away they get from High School – for some it is a normal relationship term like friend, colleague or neighbor, but for others it still conjures that late-teen anxiety of “does he like me as much as I like him”.

Look for the many ways that he may already be calling you his “girlfriend” -- everyday kindnesses, forward looking statements and openness. These are all twenty times more important that those ten little letters.

A common mantra in the halls of Kelleher International is “be direct” – you are both adults and you should be comfortable asking him things like “what do you like best about the two of us dating?” or “how would you compare us to your best friend and his wife?”

Examine the answers and see if you are already his girlfriend!

Love and Tomatoes

2010-09-01T14:00:00-07:00

Last week I was having a lunch with a girlfriend. It was one of those gorgeous summer days, and as we basked in its glory she shared with me that one of her greatest summer joys is her garden. Beautiful, sweet smelling flowers that she cuts throughout the summer months, and home grown vegetables that add a constant dash of freshness to great outdoor meals. Of all of the children of her green thumb, none is more precious than her beefsteak tomatoes.

She plants them in late May. She waters them endlessly in June. She waters them endlessly again in July. And then, finally, in mid-August, almost overnight, she has an abundance of juicy tomatoes destined for the tops of burgers, diced for salads, or enjoyed in slices with a little salt. She waits and she waters and she waits and she waters, and then in August she has so many tomatoes that I she's giving them away.

"What a labor of love!" I said. Which naturally, then, gave me pause.

I realized that there is a great metaphor in the growing of tomatoes when it comes to searching for “The One”. I work with many clients that partner with Kelleher International and expect to immediately be introduced to their perfect match. But the reality is that you have to have patience and perseverance. You have to stay the course. In essence, you have to Water the Tomatoes.

If you are serious about really finding “the One”, then you have to expect that the quality of the relationships you build will have a lot to do with the time and “water” you invest in them.

Good luck with your gardening!

Kelleher International Cover Story!

2010-09-01T08:00:00-07:00

The new issue of European CEO magazine in on the newsstands and Kelleher International is the on the cover! We have had unbelievable success in Europe over the past two years and this article comes fast on the heels of the recent "Leading Global Matchmaker" award we received on the floor of the London Stock Exchange.

This feature story and rapid growth on the Continent is really a testament to our great client base and spectacular team of matchmakers. Building on our 24+ years of experience in the US we have quickly built up an impressive database of elite singles and already have a steady flow of matches flowing across the Atlantic.

Next stop, Asia and South America!

Read the full text of the article here.

Creating Financial Intimacy

2010-08-25T10:00:00-07:00

True intimacy has many facets, and a very important one is Financial. One of the top problems, and a leading source of divorce in the US are financial issues that divide a couple.

First, let me make a statement about the money problems that destroy relationships – it’s almost never REALLY about the money, but rather it is about what the money represents, what spending vs. saving means to individuals, and the proxy that money represents for personal values.

We’ve all seen the cycle, excessive personal spending during courtship is called “attentive” and that same spending post-marriage is called “irresponsible”. But, just as the strength and power of financial fights can be the downfall of a relationship, the healthy engagement of the financial aspect of your love can build extremely strong bonds.

At its simplest, how you spend money often is a reflection and representation of your values. Fights about money, are really fights about values. I had a great guest on my radio show recently, the worldly and wise Dave Ramsey, and he gave a great insight around couples that don’t combine their bank accounts are more importantly not combining their goals. [read more]

Can your match be too old/too young?

2010-08-18T16:38:00-07:00

You might think one of the first questions in our screening process is "age range?"

It isn't.

Love, life and joy come from shared goals and personal intimacy, and "age" is rarely a driver of finding "the One". Especially among the elite singles in our database, a lot of the stereotypes fo 40+ and even 50+ just don't hold. Three of our clients in their 50s recently ran the Boston Marathon in a time that would make most runners in the 20s jealous. And yes, one of them was a woman.

Of course, there are some age-related values we have to take into account -- if you are a man interested in having children-of-your-own, a woman in her 40s is probably not a great match. And vice-versa, if you are a woman looking to start a family, there is likely an age among men when that drops off of their goal list.

How about the other direction? Some of the most worldly women I know are in their early 30s, more than a match for a sophisticated 50+ male. Similarly, we have some men in their late 20s in our network for whom the right 40+ woman would be a perfect match.

So back to the original question: is there such a thing as too young/too old in a match? My answer to that is to re-orient yourself around the characteristics you are looking for in a partner, and while junior age or advanced age might negatively correlate with those values, we'll use the values as a filter, not days-on-earth. Richard Branson is 60, do you know many 45 year old women that can keep up with him? Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher seem to bridge the age gap while Hugh Jackman is happily married to a woman 15 years his senior.

My advice: drop the question and instead re-center on what is going to bring you a lifetime of happiness.

Lessons from Summer Camp

2010-08-09T07:00:00-07:00

It's August and school is about to start all over the country, and along with the first week of school comes "what did you do this summer?"

Millions of kids went summer camp this year for two great weeks of canoeing, midnight campfires, archery and sneaking into the "girls" camp after dark. The memories are sweet and the friendships as strong as the smell of mosquito repellent -- and most of the kids have forgotten the weeks leading up to the first day of camp. Do you remember fighting your parents before heading off to Camp Running Bear when you were seven? Why do parents do it? Why do they force their children to go to camp amid tears and protests?

Because it is good for their children to step out of their comfort zone to have great new experiences.

If you are single and still haven't found "the One", re-read that paragraph and think about the lessons for dating....

At Kelleher International we [read more about the Lessons from Summer Camp]

How Long does it Take to Find the One?

2010-07-25T14:51:00-07:00

Unfortunately there is no good answer to this question, it's like asking "how long is a piece of string?" It's as long as it is.

At Kellerher International we have clients that go on one date and are immediately exclusive and headed for the altar. We have others that take months to make the right connection. I usually get this question from singles who believe it's taking too long and are looking for some reassurance that "someday" is out there.

The first step I take with someone who is growing frustrated is re-ground them in the values they are searching for: have they really looked into their own heart to determine what is important for a lifetime of happiness. I then ask them to think about the last couple of dates they have had -- are the values they just shared with me in line with the reasons they liked/rejected their last opportunity. If not (e.g., if family values is a top criteria, but they rejected the last guy for his political views), then I challenge them to refresh their values. Then I ask them if the amount of effort they are putting out is in line with the importance of finding "the One". Looking for love isn't something you fit in and around the rest of your schedule, but rather it is the thing that other events get moved and canceled for. Have you been available the past four Friday and Saturday nights, or have you been skiing/playing poker/at the ball game?

There is no satisfying answer to "how long", but if you are well-rooted in the important values in a partner and are prioritizing the pursuit of "the One", than the answer to the question is "sooner" than if you weren't doing these things.

First time Meeting the Parents

2010-07-20T08:00:00-07:00

The premise of the movie is funny because at some point, all of us have had that pit in our stomach in anticipation of "meeting the parents". The anxiety of meeting the parents hangs over your head whether you are 15 or 50. Sure, the dynamics change (fathers of high school girls are protective in a very different way), but it is still an important rite of passage in a relationship. If the big meeting is coming up, how can you prep for success? A common mantra here at Kelleher International is “be direct” – don’t try and guess what the right behavior is for success when you can ask and find out. Here are three things to do to prepare for the big event:

Ask your partner what they consider an “A+” outcome – does she want you to have bonding time with her dad, does he want you to befriend his younger sister, does she need to be accepted by the family Weimeraner? Set yourself up for success.

[read more]

Love across the Miles

2010-07-06T10:00:00-07:00

If you missed my broadcast this past weekend you missed a great interview with author Armin Brott, whose book "The Military Father: A Hands-on Guide for Deployed Dads". Armin brings into focus the true sacrifices the true sacrifices our current military make, specifically parents (women and men) who apart from their children while deployed. Armin helps us understand how three stages of this very unique flavor of long-distance relationship have very direct parallels in any long-distance romance.

The Kelleher International client base is truly global, with thousands of miles separating even some of our domestic clients who have expanded their searches across multiple cities. Some of the Armin's lessons line up exactly with the advice we give clients in the early stages of long-distance relationships.

Pre-Relationship: a local relationship [Read More]

Life Under the Seven Principles

2010-07-01T12:00:00-07:00

As you spend any time in Hawaii, you slowly adjust to the "Aloha" lifestyle. Aloha can mean many things -- from "welcome" to "farewell", "best wishes" and even "I love you". With all of its meanings, the concept of Aloha is central to the Hawaiian philosophy on life. Aloha is part of a broader set of life guidelines called the Seven Principles of Huna. Along with Aloha, the Principles are Ike, Kala, Makia, Manawa, Mana and Pono.

IKE What we believe is what is real for us. Your experiences are not simply what has happened to you; more importantly, your experiences [Read More]...

Hawaii Sunsets

2010-07-01T10:00:00-07:00

There are few things I find as beautiful as a Hawaii sunset. From the stunning blues of early dusk to the vibrant reds and oranges as the sun lands on horizon, I find each and every sunset unique and breathtaking.

I spent a few weeks in Hawaii this summer, and here are a few of my favorite shots of sunset...

Romance and Health

2010-06-29T10:00:00-07:00

Matchmaking and fitness go hand in hand when you are seeking "the One". If you are thinking "what does a Matchmaker know about health?", just give me a half a minute to show you how health, romance and a lifetime of happiness are connected.
Truth #1: Your outlook and approach to fitness reflects your attitudes about romance and partnership. Imagine that instead of looking someone in the eye and saying that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you tell them you want to spend the LONGEST LIFE POSSIBLE with them!! The second statement is electrifying!
[Read More...]

Two Critical Answers

2010-06-15T10:00:00-07:00

Another weekend, another wedding -- we’re in the throes of the summer wedding season and the joyous stream of matrimony is making the summer disappear! All weddings are beautiful, but eventually there are two guests in the back row evaluating evaluate every flower, bridesmaid dress, chair layout and music choice. Eventually someone asks the big questions: “is he the right guy/is he ready?” You almost never hear this same question about the bride – another gender difference
As the Matchmaker in the crowd, I often find myself respond at my reception table to the question “How do you know if a guy is ready?” [Read More]

Confidence is Sexy

2010-06-12T12:26:00-07:00

Confidence is sexy. I can’t say it any more directly than that. Women love to see confidence in their men. Not arrogance (confidence + superiority), or cockiness (confidence + vanity), but just plain confidence with a dash of humility.

At the heart of confidence, and especially confidence that is not arrogance or cockiness, is self-esteem. Self-esteem is a person’s evaluation of their own self-worth and is the kernel that confidence forms around. Sometimes a lack of confidence is an important safety mechanism – it might be a good idea that you aren’t confident that you can drive your car 200 mph! So when is a lack of confidence natural, and what can you do to increase your confidence? I had the chance to sit down with two experts this past weekend and explore that very question!!

I spent some wonderful time on Saturday with Drs Leslie Sokol and Marci Fox who have recently published a breakthrough book titled “Think Confident, Be Confident”. They identified that there is a self-esteem and confidence problem when your feelings are keeping you from doing something that you believe you should normally be able to do. The lack-of-confidence is almost always rooted in same past experience or relationship. This is great news, because it means that there is a path to achieving the self-confidence you hope for. Drs Sokol and Fox detail four steps to achieving ultimate confidence:

Step 1: Label It – put a “name” on the lack of confidence and embrace it, for example, if you are not confident about choosing the right restaurant, call it “Restaurant Fear”.

Step 2: Question It – ask yourself if your fear or perceived lack of ability is true.

Step 3: Rethink It – replace your doubt-driven rules with confident beliefs

Step 4: Take Action – get out of your head and change your behavior!

Men, if you lack confidence in any important areas, then pick up this book!!

Basic Wardrobe Building Blocks

2010-06-05T08:00:00-07:00

I was lucky enough to sit down with Tom Julian, fashion advisor and author of two books – The Nordstrom Guide to Men’s Everyday Dressing.

Here are his starting tips for a man to build a basic wardrobe – and his great advice for women trying to create some momentum for a man to build his basic wardrobe: show him, don’t tell him: show him what great life is available to him if he dresses the part.

Ladies and Gentleman of the Graduating Class of 2010...

2010-06-03T07:00:00-07:00

I love graduation season. I don't know if it's the sense of boundless opportunity, the milestone of accomplishment, or our seasoned knowledge that graduation is not the finish line for education, it is just a mile marker.
Do you remember the song "Everybody's Free", that fictional Kurt Vonnegut graduation address with all the great life lessons like "Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft."? This song always winds its way back onto my play list at the beginning of each summer, and today I've been thinking about what update I would make for this song for Kelleher International clients.
It's time to graduate from your current singleness and I have a couple of guidelines for capturing your boundless opportunity. These lessons ... [read more]

It's already June...

2010-06-01T22:00:00-07:00

It’s hard to believe that it's almost July! The sweet days of Summer are in full swing and the Fourth of July is just around the corner. By now I’m sure you’ve heard ten other people say “I can’t believe it’s the end of June” and reflect on a year that has flown by.

We’re all the busiest we’ve ever been – the economy is crazy, technology has us connected 24/7, there are always another ten things on the todo list – and this makes the days seem long and the months seem short.
It's time for a reality check... [read more]

Four ways to heat up the summer

2010-06-01T21:00:00-07:00

Summer weather opens up dozens of creative opportunities to help spark new love or fuel romantic renewal. A little bit of sun, a little bit of wind in your hair and a little bit of planning could help create some great memories this summer. Here are some of my favorite summertime classics to get you moving in the right direction…
Three of of my favorites: a Drive In Movie, an Historic Stroll, and a nice long ride in a convertible... [read more]